Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 20 - Australia - full transcript

The family joins Phil in Australia as he fulfills his late mother's wishes to discover where his parents had their honeymoon.

Are you getting this?

Manny: I'm getting the shot.

I'm just not getting
what you're trying to do.


We're in Australia... it's
on the bottom of the globe,

so everyone here but me is upside-down.

It's geography.

It's a good time to tell you...

I dropped Luke on his head when he was 1.

Oh. Phil: Okay, I'm up.

Did you drop him, too?

Grab my leg, buddy.

Here we go. Oop.

I come from the land down under.

He doesn't.

I was conceived in Australia
on my parents' honeymoon.

It was a romantic summer
night... their summer...

On a blanket in the park.

I still have that blanket.

Phil's mom left us money for a trip
there, and when the rest of the family,

they all just jumped on board.

My mom's grandfather was Australian,

and she'd spend her summers...
Their winters... visiting him.

It was a very special place for her.

She always wanted me to see it.

Wait... you still have that blanket?

Yeah, silly. It's the one on our bed.

(Muffled) You sure you don't
want some of this vegemite, Gloria?

You don't know what you're missing.

Ay, I don't eat anything
unless I know what's in it.

I've seen this woman
scarf down a pig's nose.

Sometimes, one must travel
halfway across the globe

to get the clearest view of home.

This was my whole flight.

What's she talking about?

My college-application essay.

They want students who are worldly.

Oh, why don't you write
about our trip to Hawaii

when you drank straight from a coconut?

I feel like Harvard's gonna
get a lot of those, so...

Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thanks
for being a part of this pilgrimage

to majestic Australia, which
was once a penal colony.

(Chuckles) Grow up.

This place was really special to my mom.

She actually left me a list of things
that she thought we should do...

Visit the great barrier reef,

see the bush...

(Giggles) Really?

...and climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

(Australian accent)
What do you say, mates?

I'm sorry, honey, but you
know how I am with heights.

Ah. Is that why you never wear high heels?

(Normal voice) You
guys are with me, right?

Absolutely not. Nah,
I'm not doing that. No.

Really? No.

Oh. No worries.

That's Australian.

I'll, uh, I'll do that
one on my own if I have to.

I'm just so excited
we're all here together.

Actually, we have to go. Yeah, so...

Back in the day, we knew
this guy from Australia.

New Zealand. Same thing.

He didn't have a lot of friends,
and we felt sorry for him,

but the truth is, he was kind of annoying.

He was one of those
guys that was always on.

Big relief when his visa ran out.

Anyway, through no fault of my own...

Wait, no, wait... you announced on Facebook

that we were going to Australia,
which is where he lives.

Fergus invited us to
lunch. I couldn't say no.

I could have said no.

Which is why you have
12 friends on Facebook.


Claire, honey, I got to tell you,

you really knocked it out of
the park on the Hanover deal.

Oh, come on, dad. That was all you.

No, it was you.

No, it was you!

It was you. It was your baby.

(Scoffs) This was my whole flight.


Claire took the lead on her
first project at the company

and scored a big one.

Best part is, she beat out
that arrogant gasbag Earl Norton

over at closets, closets, closets, closets.

I wish I could see the look on his
stupid face, face, face, face.


So, what's first?

I think Manny wants to see the opera house.

Actually, it was a long flight.

I was thinking maybe just...
Hang out on Bondi Beach.

That's a great idea, Manny.

Bondi Beach is topless.

Thank you, tripadvisor.

Beach it is.

Let's get this aussie party started!

Oh, my God. What's wrong with your mouth?

Ay! Your lips are huge!

I think you're allergic
to the ve-he-mi-te.

(Australian accent) No worries.

I'd be a little worried.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen

(Speaking Spanish)

(Cellphone beeps)

My mom said that Joe is fine,

he ate, he slept, he woke
up, and then he ate again.

Classic Joe.


So, uh, Luke and I are gonna
take a break from the sun.

Yeah. We're kind of tired.

Tired of not seeing boobs.

Watching the natives take
nourishment from their land

has made me acutely aware of the fact
that I am just saying words now.

(Scoffs) What is wrong with me?

I'm totally blocked.

So am I. Scooch.


How's it going?


Why weren't you all over
that? He's totally gorgeous.

This country's number-one
export is hot surfers.

I'm not gonna buy the first one I see.

I'm still browsing.

Ooh! Kangaroos! I'm going to buy one.

Lily, what did I just say?

I don't know. Something
about shoes, probably?

Your dad gave you enough
money for one souvenir.

Don't buy the first thing you see.

You'll regret it your whole trip.

You're right. I have enough regret.

You got to be kidding me.

We got outbid!

What? By whom?

I'll give you four guesses.

Damn it.

Wait a second.

They're giving us 48
hours to submit a new bid.

We can do that. We can totally do that.

Let's go back to the
hotel and figure it out.

Can it wait? Yeah, we're on vacation.

Oh, sorry, guys. We have
to do this. This is my baby.


Dad! Claire.


Fine! You two go back to work.

Phil and I, we're going
to walk to the ocean,

and we're going to have
more fun without you.

Yeah, we will.

No, we won't. Not at all.

Why would you guys even say that?

So, after sitting there for 40 minutes,

I tell the waitress,
"I'm actually in a hurry.

Any chance of getting the eggs
before they turn into chickens?"


(Chuckles lightly) You know?
And she's a total bogan.

She's like, (High-pitched)
"I've got five tables!"

(Normal voice) You know how they have
the tray? She's sashaying with the legs.

"Oh, who's got the waffles?!

Who... who's got the waffles?!"

(Laughs nervously)
All right, we get it. We get it.

People are looking.

Oh, nothing I can do to stop that.

Well, I can think of one thing.

Well, listen, Fergus, it has
been great catching up, yes.

But we really have to spend
some time with our family today.

I'm... I'm so sorry. Um, Mr. Anderson?

We are huge fans.

Could we get a picture? Is that possible?

Of course. Come on. Bring it in.

(Slaps leg) Sit down there. There you go.

I won't get up.

What's happening? I don't know. Google him.

(Camera shutter clicks) I didn't
spring for an international data plan.

Thank you so much.
You like that? All right.

(Giggling) Oh, my God!

Hey, remember your old downstairs neighbor

that could put his
entire fist in his mouth?


I think my fist got bigger.

Wait. Fergus, you have your own show?


Yeah. It's just a little talk show.

Wha...? No big deal.

It's a big deal here, I suppose, but yeah.

It's a shame you guys
have got to leave so soon.

Well... oh, well, you know, we
could stay for a little bit longer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine.

You never finished the story about the
waitress and the... yeah, with the...

(High-pitched) "Who had the waffles?!"

(Both laugh)

Waffles?! Waffles?!

I just feel bad that Claire and Jay

are missing such a beautiful
day in this gorgeous country,

which is also a continent.

You have a lot of facts.


I think this spiritual journey
of yours is a wonderful thing.

I think it's gonna make you
feel closer to your mother.

I hope so. I miss her.

It's the biggest reason
I came here... to connect.

Is that weird? Not at all.

I talk to my late grandmother all the time.

She would have loved this place.

I wonder if she's here with me now.

No, she doesn't like to fly.

Isn't it wild that my mom
and dad made footprints

in this very sa... aah!


Aah! Something bit me!





What is this? Not one topless woman.

Calm down. You're gonna spook the boobs.

Uh, wait... 2:00.


Hey, Luke!

Luke! How deep is it?!

Be cool! We don't want to look like idiots!

I lost my bathing suit!

Manny, help me find it!

I don't have my nose plug!

Little boy, are you okay?

Uh... uh...

Manny, say something!

Miss! Miss! He lost his bathing suit!

Oh, honey, I can help
you find it. It's okay.

I'm fine! Aah!

The water's really clear.


(Dance music plays)

(Laughing) I love your limo!

You don't think it draws
too much attention to me?

(Horn honks) What are
you talking abo-o-o-o-o-ut?!


We ended up spending a little more
time with Fergus than we planned.

Which, honestly, felt like growth to us, yes.
Because I think

sometimes we judge people
before we get to know them.

(Crowd murmuring,
camera shutters clicking)

I cannot believe they let us in here.

How famous are you?

Well, sometimes, I feel
like I'm the one in the zoo.

Only difference between me and
this guy is I won't pee on you.

Right? (Both laugh)

Seriously, they will pee on you.

Oh, for real? He will pee on us?
Okay. Is that so?

Turns out, we have a lot in common.

For example, we all hate standing in lines.

Make sure I get copies of those.

(Laughing) Isn't he funny?

We're with him, so we're just gonna...

Come on. Through you go.

Sorry. Classic Fergus,
getting us in like this.


Where's the next gift shop?

I cannot look at another souvenir, Lily.

You did this.

Lily, relax. You'll find the perfect one.

(Sighs) I want to believe you,

but that lifeguard was the
cutest boy I've ever seen.

I know.

Hey, guys! Found 'em
in the business center.

Come on. We got to catch
the bus to the bush.

What time did you wake up?

5:00 A.M. Claire has an
incredible work ethic.

She's like a young me.


Yung-mi was our accountant from Korea.

Died at her desk.

Okay, enough work. It's time
to enjoy our vacation. Yeah.

Yeah, we just got to finish
up a few quick, little thi...

No, you're done.

Done. We're done. Let's go.

Jay, I miss you.

And besides, I don't know that
I can keep Phil safe anymore.

I think he's going to die here.

(Cellphone chimes)

Oh, it's Fergus.

What? Why did he text you and not me?

He invited us to a party
today on Hugh Jackman's yacht.

What?! Not today! No!

I want to meet Hugh Jackman!

I do, too. I do, too.

But, you know, w-we can't
bail on my family again.

That makes us complete
star you-know-what-ers.

Plus, cam, this will be fun, too. Come on.

Everybody have their
sunscreen and bug spray?

I got the snakebite kit.

Hey, guys, we just got
some really bad news.

Yeah, so...

(Inhales sharply)

Walking the paths once trod
by the first Australians

has made me... what?


Now, if we're lucky, we'll see

some of Australia's more
famous indigenous species...

Kangaroo, dingoes, koala.

Quick question.

Oh, good... another one.

Isn't it true that baby
kangaroos, or... or Joeys,

are born without hind legs?

Yes. Once again, you've correctly
answered your own question.

I just got a text from Earl
at closets, closets, closets...

I know what it's called, dad.

Listen to this...
"Better luck next time. Ha ha."


He always knows what to say to get my goat.

I'm waiting for a quote
from the lumber supplier,

but this hike is three
hours... I'm gonna lose signal.

Let's go back.

Dad, we can't just up and leave
without a plausible reason wh...

(Gasps) Claire's hurt!

Gloria: What happened?

Well, you know what a klutz she is.

Honey, are you okay? Not really.

Yeah, well, I... let
me get her back to camp.

We're just gonna slow you down.

Come on, sweetheart.

Yeah, you guys have fun.

How dumb do they think we are?

Sometimes, Claire leaves me pictures
of food instead of a shopping list.

I'm so nervous.

Are we gonna see Hugh
Jackman in a bathing suit?

What do we say to Hugh
Jackman in a bathing suit?

Oh, my God. It's so big.

That's a bit direct, but, you
know, he might be flattered.

Oh. You're talking about the boat.


Fergus! Hey!

Oh, guys. (Sighs) Thank God you're here.

Just had the worst fight with Hugh.

Oh, no. What happened?

I took a shot at Russell Crowe
in "Les Mis." Hugh took offense.

Oh, well, he has to know Russell
was horribly miscast. He has to know.

It's not his fault. It's not his fault.

He was... the acting was fine, but...

Okay, let's get on this boat and
fix this. Come on. Yep. Fix it.

That's not the boat. They've already gone.

Hugh was standing on his deck
in a skimpy, little bathing suit,

disappointed look on his face.

Wait. I'm s... wait. Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa. Skimpy?

I'm sorry... standing on his what?

On his deck.

Of the boat. Got it. Okay.

You know what? We don't need them.

I'll hire a boat. We'll have our own party!

This is the life, eh, boys?

Oh, s... so we're not
taking this to a bigger boat?

(Laughs) A bigger boat!

Have a meat pie.

No, thank you. No.

No, thanks.

(Birds chirping, cawing)

Are you okay, Phil?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I just wish Claire was
here to see all this.


Plus, my foot's twice its normal size,

and the mosquitoes are really
going after my jellyfish bites.

(Gasps) Look! A sign!

(Gasping) What?

You wanted to see a
kangaroo, and now you see one.

I think this is your
mother trying to tell you

that the rest of the trip
is going to be magical, Phil.

(Voice breaking) That is so my
mom, to say it with a kangaroo.

(Gasps) Look.

So beautiful.

Okay, but be careful.
You're gonna scare him.

G'day, mate.


Hey, aren't you gor...


This one. (Breathing heavily)

No, this one!

No, this one!

I can't breathe!

Shopping with lily is the best
birth control in the world.

(Scoffs) Yeah.

But you know it's not, right?

Ooh! This one!

(Sighs) Thank God. Hurry up and buy it.

Wait. What if there's a better one later?

Let's keep looking.

No, no, no! You are buying that.

You're never gonna find anything better.

I never found a hotter lifeguard, okay?

This is perfect, and it
is right in front of you.

Here. Thanks.

Hey. I really love your accent.

(Exhales deeply)

Wow. Thank you. (Giggles)

I would like to return this.

Penny for your thoughts?


Me too!

What's our problem?

I freaked out when those things came at us.

I think I could've handled
one, but they ganged up on me.

Hey, boys.

How would you like to participate
in an aboriginal walkabout?

No, thanks. Why don't you
ask those girls over there?

This walkabout's for men only.

Trust me... we're not men.

Sounds like you need this more than anyone.

Quick... come here.

Perfect. Now we're wearing makeup.

Ohh. You have got to be kidding me.

Okay, can we walk to the bush?

Nah. Dispatch is sending a cab in an hour.

An hour. What?!

No, cam, we deserve this.

We deserted our family, we abandoned
our daughter, and for what?

Huh? We're not just
star you-know-what-ers.


You know lily's not here, right?

(Vehicles approaching, motors revving)

Oh, my God.

Mitchell: Please be cool.

I'm always cool.


There's some pretty fancy shoes.

Thank you...?

So, listen, we don't want any trouble,
uh, but my... my friend and I...

"Friend"? Really?


We... have a little cab...
Problem. Our cab broke down,

and we are trying to get to our daughter...

The daughter my friend and I have together.

Well, that ain't right.

Daddies should be with their little girls.

Seriously, where can I
get a pair of them shoes?

He wants your shoes. Give him
your shoes. What? All right.

I don't want your shoes.
I want to get me own.

He doesn't want your
shoes. Put your shoes on.

I knew it!

Gloria, don't be mad.

Too late!

I know this looks really bad, but you
have to understand that this is my...

Your baby?! I know.

And you should be ashamed of yourself!

You have a husband who
is on a spiritual journey

and was punched by a kangaroo!



Honey, I just heard.

How did you get punched by a kangaroo?

Really hard.

In the face.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Oh, boy.

Is there anything I can do?

Could you stop working and
sit with me for a while?

Yes, of course I can. Thank you.

Okay. Be... be soft.

Okay. Thank you. Aw, baby.

Oh, my God. Phil. Ow. Ohhh!

Honey! Ow!

Phil! A wild dog took my laptop!

Seems like a missed opportunity.

Honey, if you want to work, just say so.

No! It happened! It just happened!

I didn't see anything.

I didn't see you get hit in the face
by a kangaroo, but I believe you.

Come on! Help me get it!

No! You're on your own!

Like I've been this whole trip!


For God's sakes!

Gloria, stop! Let me explain!

Fine... but the explanation better not be

that this is an important
account and you're on a deadline

and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!

Oh. Well, I'm gonna need a minute to think.

I did not leave Joe, fly across the world,

to see you spend all your time working!

You're missing the whole vacation!

Not the first wife to tell me that.

So how many wives need to
say it before you listen?

(Men chanting, instruments playing)

What's that?

I'm not gonna tell you.

If you were here, you
would know what that is.

I don't know what that was.

But I was not going to
give him the satisfaction.

(Breathing heavily)

(Insect buzzing)


Damn it!

Why, Australia?! Why?!

Hey, mate.

How's... it going?!

Everything okay here?

Not really.

You don't mind me saying,
you look a bit beaten up.


I love your country, but your
country doesn't love me back.

Australia's rejected me.

You see this right here?

That's from a croc bite.

This one here on my back...

I was hit by a tram in Melbourne.

This right here...

That's an irregular mole.

Should probably get that checked out.


Point is... Australia is nice to tourists,
but it's tough on its own people.

Congratulations, mate.

You're one of us.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

I think I am.

I'm crocodile Dunphy?

That's... not what I was saying at all.

(Bird clucking loudly)

Is that a kookaburra,
which are born blind, or...


There you are.

Oh! Dad, the laptop is gone.

We've got to get back
to the hotel right now.

It's still fresh in my mind.

I think I can just piece it together...


Yeah? Let it go.

What? No!

I-I poured my heart into this.

And don't you want to stick it to Earl?

Doesn't matter.

Go be with your family.

Remember when you were a kid?
We'd take the family trips?

I'd disappear for days to work.


Don't be me.


I feel like I'm letting you down.

What are you talking about?

I finally get to spend a little
vacation time with my daughter.



(Vehicles approaching)

What is that?

Lily! We're here!

Daddies love you!




Oh, my gosh!

Oh, this place is beautiful!

(Horn honks)

That's our bus! Time to go!

What do you mean?

Who are these guys? Who's this guy?

Oh. (Chuckles)

Honey, I am so sorry.

From now on, I am all yours.

I promise... whatever you want to do.

(Colin Hay's "To Have and to Hold" plays)

Phil, this is not what I had in mind.

You're doing great, honey.

Alex: What is a bridge?

It's a connecter, a supporter, and
sometimes, it's a metaphor for the love...

Oh, my gosh! Stop!! Come on!

♪ Into the desert, I run ♪

♪ Into the blinding sun ♪

All: Hello, from the great barrier reef!

♪ I know that you will come ♪

♪ To have and to hold ♪

Whoa! (Laughs)

That was awesome!

♪ I may be searching
my whole life through ♪

♪ I may be standing right next to you ♪

♪ This time, I'll know just what to do ♪

♪ To have and to hold ♪

(Laughs) Yes!

♪ And I can see ♪

♪ Quite clearly now ♪


Thank you for choosing to fly Qantas

on our nonstop flight from
Australia to Los Angeles.

I feel a little guilty sitting
up here without the family.

I don't. Me, either.


Don't you think it's a little rude
that they're sitting up there?

I would never do that.

Boy, you tense up fast after a vacation.

I swear, that's Hugh Jackman up there.

I saw him when we boarded.

I don't think it's him.

Oh, well, I'm gonna go find out.

Cam, no. Cam, come on.

Let him go, or none of
us will get any sleep.

Hey, guys. Just saying hi.

'Scuse me.

I don't think he belongs up here.

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen