Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 19 - A Hard Jay's Night - full transcript

Jay's plans to host a family evening are derailed when Phil gets in trouble trying to sell Gloria's old apartment and Mitchell doesn't approve of the wedding topper Cameron's father made.


We got a package from my dad.

No air holes in the box.
That's a good sign.

Lily loved having that chicken.

One more time
than she realized.

Listen, I just got an e-mail
from our wedding singer.

- He has a small request.
- Another one?

Since when does the wedding
singer send us requests?

Well, no, he just wants to change
a few songs in your medley

to avoid overlap with the stuff
that he's performing.

Well, I hope
it's none of my showstoppers.

Oh, they're all showstoppers.

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, you're too kind.

Oh, my gosh, it's us.

For our wedding cake.

Couldn't you just die?

I really think I could.

My dad made this.
He's a world-class soap carver.

You know, once,
when I was a kid, I cussed,

and my mom washed my mouth out
with the leaning Tower of Pisa.

She still blames herself
to this day.

Oh, I would have nixed
that wedding topper immediately,

but Cam and I have an agreement.

We-- we each got three vetoes
of each other's wedding ideas--

no questions asked.

And it-- it worked
for... a while.

I think you're gonna love
my wedding board.

I'm pretty excited, too.

- Veto.
- Veto.

- Veto.
- Veto.

- Veto.
- Veto.

[ Voice breaking ]
I'm sorry I'm so emotional.

It's just
the nicest thing ever.

You don't think that I look
just a little bit--

I mean, my dad carved
through his arthritis!

Maybe it's the kicky leg.

I mean, the hours
his ruined hands put into this.

He found us in soap.

Today, Mitchell, I know love.

I no love, either.

Subtitles by n17t01

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So, take your time
looking around.


Phil: I'm helping Gloria
sell the old apartment

that she and Manny lived in
before she met Jay.

It's in an up-and-coming

with a distinct
multicultural bent

that's undergoing
an exciting urban renewal.

That's a fancy way of saying
"the gays found it."

I can't believe that
I lived here for five years.

Even turning the lights on
was a pain.

Look at this.

[ Laughs ]

Mrs. Rivera:
Keep it down, you bitch!

[ Voice breaking ]
Ay. Mrs. Rivera's still alive.

I am really digging this place.

Phil: Right?

The gas stove,
the moldings--

they don't make 'em
like this anymore.

I'll probably gut it.

Rip it out.
That's what I'd do.

[ Grunts ]

I want my contractor to
swing by, but I really like it.

All right. Thanks.

- Bye-bye.
- Talk to you soon.

So nice to meet you.

I'm not selling to him.

What? Really?

He's a quality buyer.

You're tired
of finding renters.

This is a family building.

Generations have lived there,
and usually at the same time.

He just wants to flip it.


I got a backup I can
probably get here in an hour.

You want to wait in there?

You walk in that door,
you never come out.

No, no, not the bar--
the coffee shop.

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.


But we can wait next door.

That's my old hair salon
where I used to work.

You can get drinks there, too.


Rita: Gloria!

[ In Spanish ]
How are you doing, girls?

[ In Spanish ] You finally brought Jay
so we can meet him!

[ In Spanish ]
No, no, no, no. This is not Jay.

[ In Spanish ]
Ah, so you got yourself a lover.

[ In Spanish ]
Give it to me when you're done with him!

- [ In Spanish ] So mean!
- [ Laughing ] What's so funny?

What's so funny?

She thinks you're my lover.

[ Laughing ]
That is funny!

I don't know if it's "a room
full of women laughing" funny,

[ Laughter ]

Ay, Rita, no.

Phil is a friend of mine,

and we're just killing time
before an appointment.

I hate to ask, Gloria,
but my new girl hasn't shown up.

Any chance you could help?

Ay, of course!

It will be so much fun!
[ Laughs ]

Oh! I don't want
to ruin my nails.

Phil, would you do
my shampooing?

Well, I-I guess so.
We've got the time.

Just a warning--

I haven't shampooed
professionally since college,

and that was only part-time
to pay for my cheer gear.

Wow. That was super-braggy.
[ Laughs ]

What do we got, double sinks?
What's the nozzle sitch?

Claire: Not to sound too braggy,

but your mom was kind of
a badass at work this week.

It was hard enough
with grandpa being sick

and me suddenly in charge,

but it was
just one crisis after another.

Luke, honey, we're going!

Fire in the warehouse,
surprise inspection from Osha,

our biggest buyer
tried to pull out of a deal,

and I have to
talk him off a ledge.

It's over now.

I don't want to bore you guys
with this stuff.

So, when I get to work
on Wednesday,

Margaret is already in tears,

and there are two cops
in the waiting room,

and I say to them,

"One of you had better be able
to drive an 18-wheeler,

because I've got 100 rosewood
panels to get to Victorville,

or it's coming out
of my paycheck."

I told you guys about
the drivers and the bad tuna?

- Bad tuna, yes.
- Yeah. Yes, I did.


Hey, mom, I forgot
how fun this car was.

And these automatic doors
and that TV in the back.

You know what else was fun?

The party they threw for me
at work on Friday.

I mean, it was
a little bit embarrassing.

I didn't even know
"she-ro" was a word,

and there it was, in icing.

[ Laughs ]

Hello, hello!

Welcome to Jay's night.
Names, please.

Want to make sure
you're on the list.

Just excited.

Appetizers on the bar,
scrabble on the coffee table,

and our feature presentation,
"The Great Escape."

Speaking of which, Haley...

Don't worry, grandpa.
I'm not leaving.

I have no plans for the night.

Me, either.

But when I say it, it's news.

When you say any complete
sentence, it's news.

Okay, girls.
Dad, you feeling better?

You had a rough week, huh?

Nah. I'm fine.

Looks like you had a big week.

You heard about that?

Yeah, I got the blow-by-blow
on all the office drama.

By the way, sincerely...



great guacamole
on the bar, there.

Wow. That's it?

Everything you did for him, and
he doesn't even say "thank you"?

I get it.

It's "hero"
with a "she."

[ Scoffs ]

Okay, I'm up to speed.

Yeah, that was cold.

It's just his way.

After years of disappointment,

I have learned not to expect
a pat on the head from my dad.

He's not capable of it.

But it has taught me
a very important lesson

that you girls
should learn, too--

approval comes from within.

I knew that, mom.

'Course you did,
'cause you're smart.

Hey, is Lily out of the tub?
We got to be at my dad's soon.

Cam: Oh, no!

It's not that big of a deal.
We can be a little late.

No! Lily had the cake topper
in the tub with her!

Oh, no. How could such a
terrible mistake have occurred?

I think she must have just thought
it was a toy or something.

Well, I hope it's not
completely ruined forever.

Oh, no.
Are you kidding me?

My daddy uses a special shellac
on this thing.

This is water-resistant,
heat-resistant-- you name it.

- Good to know.
- Yeah, but put it someplace safe.

It could still be slippery,
so be careful.

Is it?

Oh, yeah, it is!
It's slippery!

- Is it okay?
- Ah...

not a scratch.
[ Chuckles ]


I'm tougher than I look.

Hey, boys. Having fun?

You know it.
Love us some Jay's night.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, we're out of here.

Kristy Hughes,
AKA "Kristy Huge Ones,"

is having a pool party
two blocks away.

What about Jay?
He thinks we're at a party.

He'll never know.

We sneak out, work the room,
cannonball, cannonball,

and we're back
in time for dinner.

Were you even invited?


But that's only because
I don't know her

or any of her friends.

We're not invading her house.

Besides, this hair
at a pool party--

one dunk, and it goes off
like an airbag.


What's this?
You made sauce?

Well, you were sick. I didn't
know if you could handle it.

Back in Vietnam,
I had hepatitis.

Still managed to cook
Thanksgiving dinner

for 300 soldiers.

I think I can handle sauce.

- Well, I saved you the trouble.
- [ Chuckles ]

So, Margaret tells me I'm using
some new delivery trucks now.

They're hybrid.

Now, they cost a little more,

but when I factored in the tax
rebates you get for going green,

we come out ahead.

Speaking of "green,"

you went a little heavy
on the vegetables, huh?

I'm not sure I can stomach
anything that's healthy.

Gosh, mom, that truck thing
sounds so amazing.



It's fine, dad.

Only do what
we're capable of, right?

Oh, damn.

No, Stella, stay. No.

Good girl.

Thank you, Stella.

Thank you for listening.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Who's my best girl?


Okay, girls, we are ready
for Scrabble.

I'll grab some snacks.

Uh, potato chips, please.

Oh, so I can hear about how much
you hate yourself all night?

Hello, Luke.

[ Sighs ] Come on!
We've got to go!

That party's
full of sophomores.

Those women have lived.

No, we're going back inside,
we're eating Jay's food,

and we're playing
his board games.

More like boring games.

They're already called "board." You
don't make it more clever by--

[ Sighs ] Never mind.

[ Sighs ]

Okay. Thanks.

Did you work everything out
with the wedding singer?

Oh, yeah-- I'm just dropping
my big finale

because he's doing
the same song.

- "My Way"?
- His way.

Hey, guys. Sorry we're late,
but we come with wine.

- Oh!
- And whittlin'!

- Oh!
- Check it out.

This is a beautiful gift
my father made

for the top
of our wedding cake.

I guess he ran out of soap
before he got to me.

- Darn.
- For you.

Ladies, check out your Uncle
Mitch and Cam in soap.

Oh, wow!
That's soap?

Cam: Mm-hmm.

Alex: - It's beautiful.
- Oh!

This is my worst nightmare.

You shouldn't have
blown through those vetoes.

This is how Cam's dad sees me--
like some fawning damsel.

If anything, Cam's the damsel.


Thank you.

A lot can happen
before the big day.

Believe me, I've already tried.

That thing is indestructible.


What if it went missing?

Things disappear around here
all the time.

Do they?

All the time.

Let's just say I have a friend

who helps me
in these kinds of situations.

I'm listening.

The less you know, the better.

I'm not listening.

We never had this conversation.

This is
a non-versation.


I am giving you
the... no-ahead.

[ In Spanish ] Remember when
I put a sausage in my bag

when I was coming back
from Barranquilla?

[ Laughter ]

Oh, I miss you girls.

Nobody in my white family
thinks that I am funny.

[ Laughter ]

Honey, Hector had a life
before he met you.

So I have to eat dinner
with his ex?

Well, you certainly
don't want him going alone--

not with his history.

- [ Sighs ]
- Hey.

Who are you really mad at?

Ay, I don't know.

Come on, Luisa.

[ Groans ] Raul!

Hector's going to hurt me
just like Raul did!

There it is.

But Hector isn't Raul, okay?

They're just cousins.

[ Sighs ]

We need to get a move on.

The client's gonna come over
to the apartment at 4:00.

I am swamped.
I can't just leave.

Gloria, we're here
to sell your apartment.

We don't work at the salon.

[ In Spanish ]
Thank you very much, Bianca.

[ In Spanish ]
Don't you text him any more.

It's for a young couple
with a baby on the way.

They're not flippers.

They're looking for a place
to settle down and make a home.

Okay, just move them.

If they really want it,
they'll come back.

But, Gloria--

Ay, please, just help me
with Anna's foils.

I have a weave emergency!

- Something's not right.
- [ In Spanish ] What? What happened?

- No, no, no, not with you. You look great.
- [ Sighs ]

You know who's gonna hate this,
is a certain jealous sister.

Cinco de my, oh, my.

How am I supposed to do this
with so many I's on my rack?

Oh! Sorry.

Where's Luke?

How long does it take him
to get the dictionary?

We described it for him

Wait a minute.
He's not coming back.

Move your S.

I-I'm going
as fast as I can.

Mitchell! It's gone!

What is?

The cake topper.

Lily, have you seen
the little daddies

you were bathing with earlier?

Ew. Don't say that.

I saw Stella playing with it.


Jay: Oh, look at her.
She's all muddy.

She must have brought it outside
and buried it.

She does it all the time!

Oh, no.
We have to go find it.

Good luck. That thing's
as good as gone.

Dang it! Oh!

And the worst part is, we don't
even have a picture of it.

- Do we?
- Okay, we can't give up.

Let's go out into the yard
and look for it.

Careful. I wouldn't come between
Stella and anything she's buried.

She's a wild animal.
No telling what she'll do.

[ Sighs ]

That's a very aggressive

[ Sighs ]

Luke! Wait!

Oh. Look at that.

You left your yard, and your
little shock collar didn't go off.

- Luke--
- Okay, so, here's the new plan.

[ Doorbell rings ] You hang
back while I break the ice,

and then,
when the time is right--

Manny! You made it!

[ Music plays ]

Who's this?

"Who's this?"

Excuse me, Kristy Huge Ones,
I have a name.

Okay, come on. Stop. I'm tired
of chasing you all day.

Then don't.

Stay as long as you want
at that lame party.

You want to talk?

You're the dorky sidekick,
not me.

Want to talk nicer?

How could you be invited
and I wasn't?

I don't know.

It's like the stuff that used
to make me kind of weird,

people are starting to like.


I'm the same as I always was.

Well... maybe you could
upgrade a little.

Uh, we're tired
of the Yoda voice,

and if a girl tells you
she went to London,

maybe don't ask
if she also saw France.

[ Sighs ]

I liked things better
when you were the one

who was ostrich-sized.


You know,
like a freaky outsider--

the way an ostrich feels
around regular birds.

You know what else girls like?

The mysterious, silent type.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What are you doing
with my sauce, there, cookie?

That's yours.
This is mine.

I prepped it this morning.
I figured, why not make it?

Um... maybe because
I already made sauce?

- Can't have too much.
- Can't ya?

Hand me that ladle, huh?

[ Sighs ]

What are you doing?
I got it.

- What do you say?
- What?

What do you say when somebody
does something for you?

What do you say?

You want me to thank you
for handing me a ladle?

You thanked the dog
for staying--

which is basically
doing nothing--

so I know you know the words.

Fine. Thank you
for handling me the ladle.

You sure those are ready?

You didn't throw one
against the wall.

Oh, dad,
nobody does that anymore.

Oh. I guess we have new ways
for doing everything now, huh?

I didn't say that.

I'm just saying
that you can taste your food

instead of flinging it
at the wall like a chimp.


How's it taste?

Huh. Uh...

actually, mm,
that's pretty good.

But it could use
a little, um... sauce.

Let me just--
ooh, hot.

[ Blows ]

Try a little Parmesan
with that?


I should probably
get that bread in the oven.


Okay! Hey!

Hey, hey! How about
we take over in here

while you two
get cleaned up for dinner?

- Yes, good idea.
Claire: - Uh-huh.

Yeah. Okay.

Approval comes from within.

Thank you.

Your sauce needs garlic.

- Okay.
- Okay.

And that's a clock.

Okay, well, do another one.
I've done like four.

This dog is a worse hoarder
than your Uncle Clayton.

He's a collector.

Of expired yogurt?

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]
Getting tired.

Cam, can we just stop, please?

I feel like
we've done our best,

but we're just not
gonna find it.

Found it!

Yay! Oh! Good.

Thank God.

I hadn't even told you
my biggest plan for this yet.

Bigger than the top
of our wedding cake?

I'm gonna have a mold made of it
and give a reproduction

to everyone
who comes to the wedding

and everyone
who can't come to the wedding.

Imagine hundreds of these
across the country.


No! No!
Absolutely not!

I hate it! It's awful!

I knew it!

I knew it!

It just shows up
in Lily's bath,

and then, all of a sudden,
the dog has it?

You have it in
for this beautiful topper.

Look at this.
Look at it. Look at it!

Come on, you're all heroic
and Paul Bunyan-y,

and I'm--
I'm, like, some sissy man

with-- with pinkish cheeks
and a turned-out heel.

- It's a caricature.
- [ Sighs ]

What matters
is what it represents.

My daddy making this for us

means he's accepted us
for who we are!

Don't you get that?

I never really
thought about it that way.

No. You hadn't.

I'm just being sensitive.

I need to have a thicker skin.

I-I'm really,
really sorry.

No, don't-- don't--
don't be sorry.


And I-- n-- I don't want
something at the wedding

that makes you uncomfortable.

Well, no,
that doesn't seem fair.

I've used up all my vetoes.

Well, if it--
[ Sighs ]

I guess,
if it makes you feel better,

I could give you
one more veto--

if you give me one more, too.

Okay, sure.

And in the future,
if there's anything--

The wedding singer.

Okay. Thanks, daddy. I'll send you
the perfect picture to model it on.

After today, I'm convinced
our landfills are 10% hair.

Oh, yes.

I forgot
how exhausting this is.

Well, all we have to do

is meet the clients
back at the apartment,

and then we can head home.

Ay, no.
I'm too tired now.

Let's reschedule.

Really? Again?

Yes. Let's meet them
next week.

And besides,
we're late for Jay's party.

Well, I'm not letting you
go home looking like this.

You're a little ratty
back here.

[ Gasps ] Ay, no.

No, no, no.
I got it. Yep.

You just relax.

[ Sighing ] Oh.

What a day, huh?

Being back here must bring up
a lot of memories.

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, yeah.

Maybe even some emotions.

It feels weird.

No, weird's an adjective,
not an emotion, but go on.

Well, it's just that my life now
is so different than before--

so much easier.

And that makes you feel...?


And also...?

And bad.


I don't know.

Come on, now, Gloria.

I don't know. I guess it just
makes me feel a little ashamed.

Now, what in the world
do you have to be ashamed of?

It's just that, you know,

when I used to live here,

I used to work for every penny.

I would stand
on my own two feet.

Now I just stand
on expensive shoes

that Jay buys for me.

Is that why it's so hard
to let go of the apartment?

No, Phil,
it's not that--




[ Sighs ] Yes.

It's the last piece
of the old me.

No, no!
You're going too deep!

Oh. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but I think you're
looking at this all wrong.

The old you
hasn't gone anywhere.

I-I-I see it in the way
you're raising Manny and Joe,

the way you care for Jay.

You never take anyone
or anything for granted.

You worked hard for years

without knowing that things
were gonna get better.

And then the universe
rewarded you.

There's nothing
to be ashamed of.

So you're not mad at me because I
don't want to sell the apartment?


You'll know when you're ready,
and I'll be here.

Aw, Phil.

You're the best.

[ Laughing ] Aw.

There's no one like you.

[ Sniffs ] Mmm...

mnh-mnh. Yuck.

Claire, that looks so good.

I can't wait to try it.

Thank you.


Something has happened here.

Well, you'll all
be happy to know

that our search
for the cake topper

unearthed a number
of family treasures.

Come on, Cam.
We're eating over here.


Didn't I give you this
for Father's Day?

And that.

You see how this dog is?

[ Gasps ]
My karaoke microphone.

Jay, check it out!
The other walkie-talkie!

Shame on you, Jay Pritchett!

You have used this dog to bury
the things that you hate.

Haley: - What?
Alex: - Yeah!

Since when do you need help
burying things?

Calm down. She buries
stuff of mine too. Look.

Everybody at the office
bought me this clock last month.

Honey, what's the matter
with you?

- That's a question that maybe you should
answer. - Oh, my gosh! My headphones!

That's the worst.

[ All talking indistinctly ]

Claire: "Here's to 40 years
in the business.

Enjoy your new timer,

Suddenly, it made sense.

In my dad's mind,

I was reaching for a torch
he wasn't ready to pass.

Sure, someday, I'm gonna
take over his business,

but not tonight.

Tonight is still Jay's night.

So, dad...

turns out, I did have a bunch
of questions for you last week,

but I didn't want
to bother you with them.

I didn't want you to think
I couldn't handle it.

There's no shame
in asking for help.

You can always call.

Well, I won't need to.

You'll be in the office
down the hall, right?


Phil: Goldilocks to Papa Bear.
Goldilocks to Papa Bear.

Come in, Papa Bear.

This is Papa Bear.

On location in the garage,
Papa Bear.

Got some cocoa
with your name on it.

What's your 20?

- Oh, what the hell?
- What's going on?

The kids unfriended me again.

How am I supposed to know
what's going on in their lives

if they never talk to me?


I got this.

Yeah. It's been
kind of a rough year.


New school, new kids,

and now I'm taking advice
about girls

from a kid
who has his own shoe buffer.


[ Voice breaking ]
I tried beer.

[ Sighing ] Ohhh.

Wow, dad.
This feels great.

Good. Good.

You're-- you sure there's--
there's nothing on your mind?

[ Sighs ] No.

Why do you ask, dad?
You seem upset about something.

It's just,
you reach a certain age,

and you start to wonder,
"Am I everything I wanted to be?"

I mean, am I selling houses,
or am I just selling out?

Anything else?

Alex tried beer.


Subtitles by n17t01

Resync for WEB-DL by gabrielmanipula

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