Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 18 - Las Vegas - full transcript

On a trip to Las Vegas, Jay wheels and deals to get a better room, Claire tries to win back the money she lost last year, Phil tries to get into a magician's club, and Cameron chooses a bachelor party over a spa day with Mitchell.

Woman: Thank you for flying
jetblue. Welcome to las vegas.

Here you go,
here you go.

That was quick.

You skip the line when
you're on the excelsior level.

Three rooms adjoining,
top floor.

Silver, pretty.

Platinum, so don't wave
that around everywhere.

People'll get jealous.
Maybe wave it around a little.

[ laughter ]

My friend burt tanner
runs the hotel.

He comped us a few rooms

Because we sold him some closets
for his high-roller suites.

Zebrawood, heated sock drawer,
the works.

Hey, luxury bathroom,
it's me, lowly closet.

Watch your back.



A-- d-- hey, cam,
I-it's langham and tim!


What are you boys
doing here?

Bachelor-party weekend.
We're getting married in June.

Oh, we really wanted
to invite you, but tim's
family is huge --

Relax. We're getting
married in may and
you're not coming, so...

[ laughs ]

Oh, look at us
moving on.

It's almost like you never
dumped me in an e-mail

The morning after I told you
that I loved you.

Well, y-- in my defense,
e-mail -- it was
new back then...

...And it was
still a blurry line

As to what was
appropriate and...

Well, we have
a pretty packed weekend.

Oh, we do.

But if you guys have some time,
here's our itinerary.

Come play.

Oh, yeah.
Fun. Bye.

You guys,
Thank you.

Oh, my gosh,
an actual gay agenda.

[ chuckles ]

Looks like we're not gonna see
much of you two this trip.

No, no.

We are not participating
in any of this.

They're very judgy about
bachelor parties.

I offered to throw them one,
and I got a whole lecture.

We're 40.
We have a child.

We've been together
for 10 years.

That's the one.

It's just not
who we are anymore.

Listen to this -- "bananas and
cabanas pool party." oh, cam.

Yeah. "most creative
speedo wins tickets to
the kilty pleasures."


What is
the kilty pleasures?

We will be maintaining our
dignity in the spa, thank you.

I mean, come on,
have you ever seen

A scottish person this tan?

I'm embarrassed
even looking at it.

Then stop.


Whoa, that warmer drawer
really works.

It's like my mom's
hugging my feet again.

I'm gonna go do
some shopping.

Oh, well, maybe
we'll catch up later.

No, you have your day,
I'll have mine.

Well, how 'bout the bar
at like 5:00?


She was icing me,
but I deserved it.

For the first time in my whole
life, I was neglecting her.

I'd been invited to audition

For a secret magic society
in las vegas,

But in all my rehearsals,
I'd paid no attention to claire.

I even left her alone
in a movie theater once.

[ cellphone rings ]

Oh, no.

I let phil think
I was still mad at him

Because I needed
a little time to myself.

Come to mama!

Years ago,
phil and I put aside money

For a trip
on our 25th anniversary,

But I lost that money
on a girls' weekend in vegas.

Since then,
I've been on a secret mission

To win that money back,

And if things go well
this weekend, I am even.

Vegas, you have
a gambling problem,

And her name is claire.

[ knock on door ]

Man: [ british accent ]

Mr. Dunphy, I presume?

Yes. Who-- hi.

I'm leslie higgins -- it's
a boy's name where I'm from.

I'm your butler.
Oh. Butler. Cool.

Yes. As an excelsior guest, uh,
I'm at your beck and call 24/7.

Anything you need,
big or small, I can --

Can I just segue, sir,

To the importance
of discretion in my job?

I'll just pop those --
oh, no, no, no.
Never mind those.

As you wish.
They're for an appointment
I have later.

The less you know
about that, the better.

A myriad of apologies,
[ chuckles ]

If there's
nothing else...
Oh, hang on.

Actually, do you know where
I can get a cape laundered?

Opera or superhero?
I'd rather not say.

I overstepped the mark
by asking.

Uh, could I just, uh,
quickly point out

Our luxury bath service,

We have five
outrageously decadent baths

That I can prepare for you
at a moment's notice.

Uh, I should
just point out, though,

That our pharaoh's fantasy
does take a dash longer,

Normally, because our nubian
lives off-site.

Um...If there's
nothing else,

I'll just help you
with your case.
Uh, no, uh --

I'll get that.

Yep. All right.
Thank you.

I love cucumber water.
I know.

If I were president --
I know, I know.

in the reservoirs.

Giant cucumbers.

Mr. Pritchett?
Yes, hi.

All right, I'll see you
in 90 minutes.

Thank you.

Mr. Tucker?

Mr. Tucker?

[ dance music plays ]

We had a few no-shows for
the britney concert, so...

One, please.

Uh, what about

It's vegas -- he doesn't
need to know what I'm doing.

I don't need to know
what he's doing.

So if you see him, maybe
don't mention what I'm doing.

Oh. Understood.

So, do you have anything
on the aisle?

[ buzzer ]
man: Yeah?

Rasputin's dalmatian drowned
in the volga.

I thought he was allergic
to dogs.

You're thinking of merlin.
And it was peanuts.

[ door unlocks ]

[ sighs ]

Okay, everybody.
We have a visitor.

Welcome phil dunphy.

Man: Hey, phil.
Woman: Hi.

[ chuckling ] hey.
I'm so honored to be here.


You may recognize
my -- my screen name,


That's you?

You're up in the middle
of the night a lot.

My wife
grinds her teeth.

But let me tell you
another story.

It's about the miracle
of metamorphosis.

Uh, phil --
they say the only constant
is change --

Phil, we're gonna get to
your trick in just a minute.

Oh. I'm sorry.
[ laughs nervously ]

Got a little excited

The heroes of the
underground-magic blogosphere --

"flashpaper" finelli,
kaiser mayhem, the kid.

When you think about it,

It's crazy they're all alive
at the same time.

Jay, I'm feeling
a little cold.

Maybe I should
buy a scarf.

Sure, get a couple
of 'em.

[ gasps ]

[ chuckling ] why, I know
it's a little extravagant,

But we're excelsior now --
might as well look it.

Many years ago,
when jay was in las vegas,

He bought barkley,
the doggy butler.

I hate barkley.

I knew if jay saw rebarka,
he would want her too.

Yeah, that's her name --

Uh, but, uh --
you know,

If we're going to gamble,
maybe I need my lucky sweater.

Can you go and get it
in the room?

Who has a lucky sweater?

You wore two different shoes
to watch the super bowl.


No, jay!
Other way.

I like that way.

[ elevator bell dings ]

Sorry, sir.
This is a private elevator.

No need to apologize.

I'm glad you're on top
of this stuff.

That's only for
the excelsior level.

This elevator goes
to the top floor.

I thought excelsior
was the top -- 62.

Mandalay bay
has 63 floors.

Top floor is
excelsior plus.

Wait, they're allowed
up there?

They're wearing

61, 62...63!
Son of a bitch!

Come on,
let me see an eight.

I want to see an eight.
Seven out.


We'll get 'em
next time, baby.

Give me your key.

I need to charge something
to your room.

Hang on a second.

Point is four.

Okay, odds on four
and a five each on "c" and "e."

What are you
talking about?

It's the lady version
of barkley.

I have to put it on hold

So that jay, if he sees it,
he can't buy it,

And then I will cancel
the charge before we leave.

Winner --
four the hard way!

Oh, yes!

[ laughs ]

Can I have
the key?

No, no, no.
You're not going anywhere.

You're my
good-luck charm.

Give these a blow,

Oh! And how was
your massage?

[ loudly ] so re--

[ normal voice ]
so, so relaxing.

Sorry, my masseuse
was blasting the enya.

So, what are you
gonna do next?

A long soak?
A long sauna?

Ooh, I think
a sauna.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna
do a soak.

Ooh, a soak
does sound nice.
Maybe I'll do a sauna.

Is that -- is that
glitter on your face?


Yeah, I think my masseuse
might moonlight.

[ laughs ]

All right, I'll see you
in an hour.
Okay. Yeah.

Enjoy it. Really have fun.
Relax, mitchell.

Phil, you're up.
Phil: Okay.

The miracle...
Of metamorphosis.

They say the only constant
is change.

Well, all of that is about
to ch-- be different.

Note the simple burlap sack,
the kind you'd find in any home.

If you'd be so kind
as to assist me,

The -- the -- the kid,

I'll endeavor to prove
that some change is glacial,

While some change
is instantaneous.

Now, if you'd be so kind as
to raise the simple burlap sack

Above my head
and pinch my wrists.

You'll note, the clock
says exactly 4:02.

I have 3:15.

Yeah, I have 6:35.

Kaiser mayhem!

It's what I do.

Wait, it's 5:20? I actually
have to call my wife.

Uh, no, phil, you can't just
stop in the middle of a trick.

That's a cardinal rule.

Guys, it's an emergency.

Don't tell me you've never
had to call your spouse.

Oh...There's --
there's people for you.

Come on, claire.
Please pick up.

And the lady wins again.
Yes! Yes!

I did it! I did it!

I did it!
I won back my money.

Oh, suck it, the house.
[ laughs ]

Claire, the key.
Yeah, okay, here you go.

And, hey,
buy yourself something sparkly.

Gloria, there's a floor
above us.

I know.
It threw me, too.

Excelsior plus.

But to the people on that floor,
we're excelsior minus.

Mm, what is
up there?

You need a black card
to get in.

All we've got
is this stupid silver one.

Oh, I thought
it was platinum.

It's crap.

Uh, why -- why don't you
call your friend burt

And tell him that
we need the black card?

Because he's not my friend.
I never really even met him.

I think I heard him cough
one time on a conference call.

I don't know why he would
treat me this way.

Oh, come on!

Oh, come on!
You're jay pritchett!

You're gonna find
your friend burt

And tell him who you are,

And you're gonna get
the black card,

Because when you set
your mind on something,

Nobody can stop you!


Go that way.

Excuse me, how much
is that doggy in the window?

I had finally taken back from
vegas what vegas took from me.

That's a feeling of satisfaction
I can't describe...

Because it didn't last
very long.

Oh, hey, claire.

Have you seen cam?

Although...We should stay
in one place so he can find us.

How about
a blackjack table?

Oh, no, I'm really worn out
from my massage, the sauna...

It was just -- it was
a lot of detoxing.

You know what you need?
Some toxing.

Hand of blackjack,
couple of tequilas.

Come on, it'll be fun.
Do it.

You sound just like
the kid who bullied me

Into smoking
my first cigarette.

Maybe this time
you won't tell on me.

And then hit.

And then hit.
And then stay. Ah, ah.

I know. I have it.

18, 19, 18.

You are in a great position
right now.

Oh, the dealer
has 21.

Hers is better.
I am so sorry, mitchell.

I promise you,
we did everything right.

Don't be mad.
I'm not mad.

T-that was --
that was thrilling.


My pulse is racing.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you so much
for making me do this.

I'm going to play
another hand.

We're going to play
another hand.
No, alone.

Not with you.
You're bad luck.

Go -- far.

The minute I got rid of her,
I couldn't lose.

Oh, gambling's fun.

And easy.

Hey, big spender.
What are you doing?

I'm a gambler now.

Look at you,
letting loose.

Yeah, I guess I figure

Whatever mischief one
might get into in vegas

Kind of remains here within the
limits of the city, you know?

That's a cool way
to think about it.

You know, I'm really glad
that you came over here.
Why is that?

Well, I always hated the
way that things ended
between us, you know?

Maybe now we can go out
on a better note.

That's nice.

[ laughing ]
oh -- oh, my god!

6-2-3-3, that's --
that's my room number.

Um, hit me.



That's 21, huh?

Yes! Yeah! Ah!
[ laughs ]

[ sighs ]
check you out.

I guess tonight's my night
to get lucky.

I would say.

80, okay.
Thank you.

Maybe I will run
into you again, huh?

Oh, you...

$120, $140, higgins,
for nothing -- nothing!

I want to do something crazy.
Okay, I'm gonna order a bath.

Sir, it seems to me
like you've gone mad.

[ both laugh ]

Okay, this is
what I want.

I want something romantic,
but also a little dangerous.

Romantic, dangerous -- might
I suggest, sir, the techno bath?

Your heart will throb
with the bass

While your eyes take in an
off-the-scale laser light show

From that most intimate
of v.I.P. Arenas --

Your own tub.

Okay. I want that.
That's what I want.
[ laughs ]

Methinks the little red riding
hood may be a big, bad wolf.

I'll be back shortly
with supplies.


Ah, mr. Dunphy!
How are...

...We this evening?

Not so good.

I'm in a tight spot
with my lady.

You know what might help?

One of those -- one
of those luxury baths.

Ah, get yourself out of some hot
water by getting her into some.

Wow, so good.

Might I suggest
the michael bublé bath?

You are a mind reader.

I'm not a mind reader, sir.

I've just been in
the bath-buttling business

Since the early '90s,
despite my fresh face,

So I tend to know
what these situations need.

I'll get
the water going.
As you wish.

Same price either way.

Burt says he's gonna be here
any minute.

We got to really lay it on
for this guy --

Best scotch, put on
something sexy.

[ gasps ] I...
Have a great idea!


A man like burt appreciates
a good cigar.

Good thinking!

Of course, upstairs, the butler
would be here already.

I'm telling you,
we might as well

Be sleeping
in the basement.

I said hold it,
not deliver it!

[ breathing heavily ]
okay, there.

Come here.

Stay in claire's room.

[ thump ]

Hey, honey.
I'm in the bathroom.


Okay, I-I know I messed up,

But sit tight -- I got
a little surprise for you.

you got a minute?

60 an hour. They all
belong to you, sir.

I need a couple
of primo cigars, a.S.A.P.

I'm not a stickler for
how they got in the country.

I'm also expecting
a special scotch delivery.

I need a shave.
Burt can't see me like this.

Unfortunately, the
shaving butlers are all --

I know,
excelsior plus.

[ door opens ]

Are you decent?
I am.

Well, not for long.

My partner should be here
any minute.
Is it me, sir,

Or is the air positively fizzing
with erotic anticipation?


Oh, I forgot the ice.
Oh, yeah,
I'm gonna get it.

Oh, I couldn't ask you
to do that.

No, not a problem.
As you wish.

Same price either way.

[ elevator bell dings ]

[ sighs ]

Oh, I-I'm sorry.
I-I'm looking for mitchell.

Oh, yeah,
he's expecting you.

In fact, he's asked me
to draw the two of you a bath.


This is crazy.

I believe
that's the plan.


Thank you.

Oh, good. You're back.
How's claire seem?

I'm sorry?
You must have seen her
out there. Is she mad?

W-what's she doing?

Uh, she's dusting,

Oh, she always cleans
when she's mad.

Do me a favor --

Bring her a drink and tell her
to get comfortable on the couch.

She's -- she's allowed
on the furniture, is she?

[ both laugh ]

She's my wife.

[ whistling ]
oh, good!
I've been looking for you.

Well, you should
have been looking

For somebody who
was looking for you,

Because that's
what I was doing.

Come on, I have a surprise
for you.

[ muffled techno music plays ]


Yeah, I-I've been

We need to stop
being so uptight.

We are in vegas.
Let's have a little fun.

Well, I'll have to wrap
my head around that, but okay.

Now, I have just the way
to kick it off --

Something we could
do together.

It's a little extreme,

But I think it might be
just what we need.

Go on in.

[ techno music playing ]

Are you crazy?

Oh, come on, cam,
we deserve this.

All right,
you get started,

And then I'll jump in
when it starts to heat up.

Come on. Then I will
throw you into it, tiger.

Rub a dub dub.

[ laughs ]
dear, no.


[ music stops ]
both of you?

Huh. Well, okay.

No. No. No, not okay.
What are you doing here?

You gave me your room key.

Don't act so shocked.

You told me
at the bachelor party

You two
lead separate lives.

You went
to the bachelor party?

Yes, and I was starting to feel
bad about sneaking around,

But I guess
I shouldn't have,

Now that I see
what you're up to.

I'm not up to anything!
I left my key by mistake.

We're all obviously tense.

Let's take a deep breath...

Get in the tub...

That's not happening.
[ knock on door ]

You want to tell me

How you "accidentally"
gave someone your key?

You want to tell me
why you spent all day

Sipping tequila
out of some guy's navel?

You saw that?
I guessed.

Hi, guys.
What's going on?

Hey, claire. Can you
please just come back?

We're in the middle
of an argument.
Bet I know why.

Are you guys getting
in the bath?

Or I'm way off.

[ knock on door ]

It's tim.

He can't know I'm here.
He has insane trust issues.

[ knocking continues ]
are you in there?

Go out
this door.
In here.

Gloria, hurry up, will you?

[ door closes ]

He's on his way up.
I need to shave.

Oh, you're here.

Jay pritchett.
Thanks for stopping by.

Nice robe.
Like hef, back in the day.

I'm gonna cut to the chase.

I like your lifestyle.
I want a taste of it.

Well, s-sure,
that's flattering, but...

Gloria: Okay,
the bathroom is all you--
it's burt tanner!

That's not burt tanner,
that's long-ham.

[ knock on door ]


What's that thing
doing here?

Just enjoying a dirty
martini before a cleansing
romp in the bath.

That's not
who the bath is for.

[ door opens ]

Oh, my mistake.


You're certainly gonna
be clean by the end of
the night, aren't you?

Jay, I forgot
all my hair products!

I'm going to borrow
from claire.

the coast is clear.

[ door closes ]


Huh? Jay!

Go, go, go,
go, go, go.

Phil, there you are.

Ducky! How'd you know
where I was?

run this town.


No. I'm a shaving butler
up on plus.

Look, I felt bad about
how things went down today,

And I-I just wanted
to give you another shot.

[ door opens ]
[ gasps ]

Right this way.

I really think you're gonna
like what you see.

Okay, let me just get
everything set up.

[ clears throat ]


They say the only constant
is change.

I-I'm sorry, what --
I-- s-- what is that?

Oh, I don't even know.
Something my wife bought.

Let me just get rid of it.
Here we go.

Really, uh, rubbing it in
on that wife thing, huh?


[ chuckles ]

Nice of you
to come down a floor

And see how
the other half lives.
[ both chuckle ]

If you will,

Raise it above my head
and pinch it at my wrists.

Go ahead and make it
good and tight.

Don't be easy on me.


[ clears throat ]

As the lowly caterpillar
becomes the majestic butterfly,

As the tiny acorn
becomes the mighty oak,

So, too, do we complete

So, it's
the governor's bluff.

Well, it's a huge twist
on the governor's bluff.


No, no, no, no, no!

There were other elements.
You just kind of threw me off.

I forgot -- I was gonna -- as a
flourish I was gonna use one --


A-- that's amazing!

Y-you lull me with this --
with this hacky quick change,

And the whole time,
you're changing the fake
dog into a hot maid?

It's brilliant!
It's magic!

No, that's metamorphosis!

Like you, burt, I enjoy
the finer things.
[ knock on door ]

As a matter of fact,
that's probably the cuban
I ordered for you.


Cam, if you wanted
a bachelor party,

You should have just
said something.

Well, I didn't know I wanted one
until we got here.

And you're so
"eh, eh, eh,"

I-I was afraid
to say anything.
Okay, all right.

Lucky for the two of you,

I know you better
than you know yourselves,

And what the two of you need
is a little guilty pleasure,

Or should I say...

The scotch delivery you had me
on the lookout for, sir.

[ bagpipe music plays ]

I like your style,

You're in.


This reminds me
of my late grandfather.
He was scottish?

He was a stripper.

There we go.

You've got the touch,

I was blessed with my mother's
small hands, sir.

Shall I order
your complimentary,

hot-stone massage?


All part of the excelsior-plus
experience, sir.

Might be nice after a dip
in your private lap pool.

Oh, where has this been
all my life?
[ chuckles ]

You know, I saw a harpist
in the elevator.

Can we get that
for our brunch tomorrow?

If it was up to me, yes,
but unfortunately,

That is reserved for our
excelsior-ultra guests only.

62, 63, 64!
Son of a bitch!