Modern Family (2009–…): Season 5, Episode 21 - Sleeper - full transcript

Phil has to tell an elaborate lie to Claire when he messes up a household task. Gloria is put in charge of the family portrait, and Jay enters Stella in a dog show.


Honey, Mitchell helped me
pick out the shirt.

You're gonna love it.

Ooh, I wish I could
pick you up some lip gloss...

but we're already at the car.

Okay, bye, honey.

♪♪ Getting pretty good, huh?

Yeah, but you were always good.

I'm just glad you stuck with it.

- Seriously?
- What?

- It's playing itself.
- Well, I didn't know.

You honestly thought that
I just became a piano virtuoso, Dad?

You've known me my whole life.
Have you ever seen me take a lesson?

- I thought maybe you were self-taught.
- Oh, I'm sorry. You're right.

- Like when I taught myself to play the clarinet.
- Exactly.

- I never played the clarinet.
- Can we drop it?

Let's go get an ice cream.

- What about my lactose intolerance?
- Oh, I'm not loving this game.

Oh, this sucks.
My teacher gave me mononucleosis.

As a parent, I feel
I should ask about this.

Slow down. it's not like she gets
that many tugs on the line.

It's for A. P. bio. We have to write a report
about a disease, and I got the worst one.

- This is a joke.
- Actually, it's pretty serious.

Back in college,
I caught mono from my roommate Ling.

Served us right for fooling around.

Never share a flute, kids.

Can you drop me off at the library?

Sorry. I'm meeting some friends
at that coffee shop on Lake.

- You mean the one next to the library?
- That's a library?

I thought it was a church
for a religion that didn't allow makeup.

When is the washing machine
gonna get fixed?

I'm wearing a swimsuit
underneath my pants.

Everybody's gonna
have clean clothes soon.

The repair guy's supposed to come today
between 10:00 and 2:00.

Oh! Honey, can you be here for that?

Can I sit around in an empty house
and wait for someone?

Baby, I'm a Realtor.
I have a license for that.

- You sure you don't mind?
- Go. Run your errands.

- It'll give me a chance to get started on these dishes.
- Oh, good.

All right. Come on, Luke.

All right. See you guys later.

Oh. More dishes than I thought.

That lasagna's gonna be a tough one.

Somebody's gonna need a scrub brush.

Hello?

What?

No... way.

June 10, 1988.

Carla Concannon and I spent the afternoon
frolicking at the public pool.

Later, at her house, things got private...

while a 45 of Carly Simon's
"Nobody Does it Better" played.

It was my first time, her first time...

with me.

I always thought
it'd be fun to own that 45.

When the record store
finally called that morning..

I ran right down
so I wouldn't miss the repairman.

I had to have it.

It was the chance to relive
those magical three minutes and 42 seconds...

which was also the length of the song

But then it dawned on me.

I was cheating on my wife
with the red-hot memory of another woman.

I could not let Claire find out.

I had to destroy the evidence.

Luckily, I'm cool under pressure.

Ow!

Ow.

What? No!

When did he- Come on!

There were a couple of snags...

but I think I covered my tracks
pretty well.

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey, hey♪

♪ Hey,♪♪

I'm so sorry it took so long
to get you these clothes.

I left them in the back of my car
and completely forgot about 'em.

Sounds familiar.

I was in the pharmacy for three minutes.

You had a cracked window and a juice box.
Let's retire that story.

Can I wear this for the family photo?

Oh, honey, that's adorable...

but Gloria wants us in jeans and a black T-shirt,
classic and casual.

Then maybe afterwards, we can stop by...

and change the scenery
in a high school play.

That is a really cute dress.

Oh, yeah, thank you.
Just got it yesterday.

Really? it reminds me of
something I gave you six months ago.

Do you ever put her
in the girls' hand-me-downs?

- Oh, yeah. All the time.
- Really?

Because if my girls' old clothes
aren't to your taste...

I could always just...
give 'em to somebody else.

Okay, calm down, Claire.

Your voice is getting to that pitch
that disturbs our cat.

Hey. Oh, my God.

You will not believe what Dad just said.

- So, we're at the mall, right?
- Mm-hmm.

And there's a piano there.
I sit down behind it.

Come on, Mitchell.
He's just not wired for compliments.

I'm sure your playing was great.

I don't play the piano.
I've never taken a lesson.

- Are you sure?
- Oh, my God. My own family doesn't even know me.

Mitchell, please. Don't be so sensitive.

You don't see me pitching a fit...

because Cam is too much of a snob
to use our hand-me-downs.

- Sn- I'm sorry. Snob?
- Mm-hmm.

I will have you know
I come from simple farm folk.

There is permanent dirt underneath
these fingernails from working the soil.

Really? I had no idea that repotting
your orchids counted as "working the soil."

They're in soil- You know what?
I don't want to talk about this.

I don't need to listen to this.
I'm gonna go out and get some air.

- I know the feeling.
- Retire it. Seriously.

Does Joe look a little pale to you?

This whole country looks pale to me.

I think he needs a little color
for tonight's photograph.

What do you think is the minimum age
for spray tanning?

Now that Joe is here
and that his head is finally normal-shaped...

I decided to take a new family portrait.

- ¡Hola!
- How did it go at the mall?

Bought a shirt, angered my son.
Another successful outing.

Ooh. I've been wanting to do this.

Quick. What's the ring
around an angel's head?

- What?
- Halo!

You did the angel one!

Ordinarily, I'd be delighted,
but this isn't gonna be one of our fun chats.

You mean like that time you called me
when you saw that blimp?

It was so low they waved back.

I'd done a pretty good job
eliminating all traces of that record...

but there was still one loose end

You know earlier today,
when we ran into each other on the street?

I didn't see you. You didn't see me.

Okay, so you're saying
whatever either one of us...

might have been doing will remain forever-

I didn't see you You didn't see me.

Just to be c- Hello?

Jay's so cool. He gets it.

I didn't know what he was talking about,
but I needed him to keep his trap shut.

You see, lately, I may have been
dabbling in something that...

strong, virile men like me
aren't supposed to be dabbling in.

And it wouldn't exactly fit my image if
people found out I was considering entering...

a certain adorable dog...

in a dog show.

Gloria thought I was out
getting my tires rotated

Actually, I was buying Stella
a decorative show collar.

You know, just in case.

I figure if she looks beautiful,
she'll feel beautiful.

Guess who we ran into at the library.

- How would I know? I was here the whole time.
- Sanjay Patel.

- He's got Crohn's disease.
- No!

I know. So lucky. He's totally
going to win that science scholarship.

He should use it
to find a cure for baldness...

'cause that kid is 16 with a comb-over.

That's it!
I'm just gonna pick a new topic.

I want a disease that everyone
in the school is going to talk about.

All right!

- Hey!
- Hi! Wow!

- Why are you standing there?
- 'Cause I missed you.

- I love you so much.
- Oh!

- Mwah.
- Oh, wow. Love you too.

How'd it go with the repair guy?

"The repair guy came, but I missed him."

"Why? What were you doing?"

"Listening to a record." "What record?"

"it's not important." "Phil!"

"The soundtrack to my first sexual experience
that I think about from time to time.

Honey, where are you going?
Don't take the kids!"

- He didn't show up.
- What? That is so annoying.

I know. Put away your groceries.
I'll call him and reschedule.

No, no, no, no, no.
You are too nice. I am calling.

- I am not resting till I get to the bottom of this.
- It's no big deal.

- It's not the first time I've been stood up by some guy.
- Listen to your words, Phil.

Yep. Yep.

She called me a snob, Mitchell.

Oh, I'm sorry if I don't rush to throw Lily
in every bargain-bin rag Claire tosses our way.

You're not really shedding
the snob tag with that.

Look, why don't we just put Lily
in one of Alex's shirts for the picture tonight?

- She'll see right through that.
- No, you're thinking of Haley's shirts.

No, I mean it'll look like we're doing it
just because she brought it up.

Well, I know. That's why
I'm looking for a photo of Lily...

in a hand-me-down to show Claire,
but I can't seem to find one.

By the way, I'm barely in any of these.

Mitchell, are you suggesting
what I think you're suggesting?

Yes! Sometimes I feel like
this family looks right past-

You're suggesting that
we stage a photograph...

put Lily in some hand-me-downs...

make it look like it's from the past-
Christmas, say-

just to prove Claire wrong?

Simplicity itself.

That's not remotely what I'm saying.

Mitchell, don't second-guess yourself.
It's simplicity itself.

Yes. Once again,
I would like to speak to a supervisor.

Listen, if my husband
said nobody came, nobody came.

- Dad, it's your move.
- No, I think I should just play it cool for now.

I'm so sorry.

Score! I got a disease
that's rare and fun- narcolepsy.

The company swears that
the driver was here at 10:00.

They're putting him through to me right now.
I'm gonna chip away at his story.

- Mm-hmm.
- Let's see how you get out of this.

- I'm thinking.
- It's a neurological condition...

where people under extreme stress
actually fall asleep.

It's like a way for the brain to escape.

I bet he was doing
something he shouldn't have.

I'm just gonna let him keep talking
till he makes a mistake.

Everybody makes mistakes.

- And the noose tightens.
- Why were my headphones in the couch?

Oh, good. You do keep G. P.S. logs
on all your drivers.

There's no way out.

Let me just write down your name.

Hey, does anybody need a receipt
from Flipside Records?

Damn it! I didn't even see that!

Wow.

I see you're registered for tonight's show.
First one, huh?

Yeah.

I'm not sure I'm comfortable...

with that whole prancing-in-a-circle thing
in front of everybody.

Can someone else
run her through her routine?

- It has to be the owner.
- I suppose that's the best. We have a rapport.

All right. See you at 5:00.

5:00. Uh, I got a family thing at 5:00.

- Do these things tend to start on time?
- Of course.

It's not a cat show.

Well, I better speed it along. Come on.

I can't believe
Mom made me take you here.

- This is my only black shirt, and
Mom needs me to wash it. - Wow.

It's only when I see the less fortunate...

that I realize how lucky my clothes are.

All the machines are taken.
We're gonna have to wait.

Oh, I am not spending any more time
in fluorescent lighting than I have to.

You're gonna sneak your shirt in
with someone else's load- like that guy's.

Go that way. I'll distract him.

Excuse me.

- Haley?
- Oh, my God. Kevin.

It's Keith. You really don't remember
the guy you abandoned at Coachella?

I didn't abandon you.

I-i texted you.
That deejay put me in a trance.

Yeah. it's- it's almost like
you were using me for tickets.

That's crazy.

Can you get those again, or was that just,
like, a one-time thing with your uncle?

It was a one-time thing.

- Okay, so, good seeing you.
- Yeah.

- Remind me never to date you.
- You wish.

- Please. I could totally get you.
- Like to see you try.

All right. Lily,
can you come in here, please?

It's Christmas already? Yay!

Ah. Probably should've prepped her.

No, it's not actually Christmas.
We're just gonna take a fun photo.

Which I am going to be in because I am
a member of the- Where is my stocking?

Oh, relax. it's not in the shot.
Neither are you.

Here. I want you to take the picture
from right over here. This way.

Okay, great. Lily,
I want you to put this on...

and stand in front of the tree,
and we'll pop a shot off.

Ooh! Look at all the pretty presents!

Those are just empty boxes.

You're killing me.

I don't know which one it is!
I didn't see him put it in!

Wait. I think I found it.

- He's coming!
- What? No!

- What are you doing?
- Uh, I-I saw that your laundry was done...

and I was gonna fold it for you
to make us even...

for what you thought that I did
that I didn't do.

Even? I held your popcorn for eight hours
waiting for you to come back.

I walked all the parking areas twice,
checked every medical tent.

By the time I got back to my car, it had
been broken into and the battery was gone.

I had to trade my festival pass
for a ride home in a horse trailer.

But looks like
someone got a concert T-shirt.

Dad, is there anything bothering you
that might be causing...

I don't know, major psychological stress?

No. I've been acting normally,
haven't I?

- Did something happen earlier today?
- Uh, nothing at all.

- Because you seem a little tense.
- What? No, I don't!

Stop badgering me! I love your mom!
Let's listen to some music.

- ♪ Nobody, does it better♪
- Boy, the way you cook things up sometimes-

- Dad!
- What?

You fell asleep.
It's like the fifth time today.

I think it has something to do with that guy
not showing up to fix the washing machine.

Well, that's not exactly what happened.

You snuck out to buy "Nobody Does it Better"
from Flipside Records, and he showed up?

That's more exactly what happened.
How do you know all this?

I've been watching you all day.

I think the guilt from that
has been causing you to fall asleep.

- So you know about Carla?
- I do now.

- Dad!
- What is happening?

I was skeptical about
the jeans and T-shirt, but I like it.

Any chance the photographer
could fire off a couple solo shots?

Look at the bottom of Joe's face.

What happened?
Did you leave him in the sun?

No, I took him out for five minutes
to give him a little color.

I must have not closed the visor
all the way down.

Why is it so important to you
that he has color?

Because we're sending this picture
to our family in Colombia...

and I have a son
that doesn't even look Colombian.

Now they're gonna look at this picture, and they're
gonna think that I am a terrible mother...

that I can't even
take care of my own child.

I think your reputation is set.
I can still do this with my arm...

'cause I slept in a sink till I was three.

Halo!

- People are here. I'll deal with Joe.
- Okay.

Come on, buddy. Oh. Come on.

Hola. Claire is on her way.

Dad, you have to confess to Mom.

- Clearing your conscience is the
only way to make this stop. - Really?

I hope so, or else I have to rewrite
the whole end of my paper.

Just the two of you? Where's the rest?

I had hoped to get this picture thing
wrapped up by 5:00.

- They're all coming separately.
- Cam, do me a favor.

Call Mitchell and light a fire under him.

- I'm right here, Dad.
- Oh. Good. I didn't see you come in.

You opened the door for me. You thanked me
for bringing a bottle of Chardonnay.

Doesn't sound like me.

- Hey, guys. We're here.
- Finally!

Let's do this.
Luke, where's your black shirt?

- Right here. I'll get changed.
- All right. Shake a leg.

- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi!

- Hey.
- Hello.

Hey, Lily, be careful.
Don't get anything on that beautiful outfit.

Recognize it? Look familiar?

Yes, I do, but I hardly think that putting her
in one of Alex's hand-me-downs...

proves anything after I pitched a fit.

First of all, I think it's really healthy
that you do admit it was a fit.

But if you need further proof,
I'm sure I could find a photograph over here.

Sure. Go ahead.

- Mm-hmm.
- No me. No me. No me.

Ah. There we are.

- Christmas morning last year.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, it's Alex's old pajamas!

I'm so sorry. I owe you an apology.

Sometimes I can be really-

What's that?

Uh, the calendar open to December...

the half-eaten cookies for Santa Claus,
the nibbled-on carrots for reindeer?

I don't know.

No, that looks like
last month's VanityFair.

Oh, well, you know,
every month's "Young Hollywood."

Mmm, and didn't Lily just lose that tooth?

It's still there. it's just dirty.
Christmas morning chocolates.

Uh, and I am quite sure
that's a reflection of Mitchell...

in the clothes
he was wearing this morning.

Oh, yay, I finally made it into a picture.

- Just couldn't change, could you?
- You are a snob.

Okay, you know what?
It hardly takes a snob...

to recognize the clothes you put
your children in are uninspired at best.

- Claire, Cam, enough.
- Oh, really?

Everybody in this family has good taste.

It's just different.
It's causing too many fights.

That's why today I just put everybody
in a simple T-shirt and jeans outfit.

There's a new rule from now on. Nobody
gives clothes to anyone else's children.

- Well, I think that's probably for the best.
- Okay.

Thank God I don't have to spend one more of
Joe's birthdays with a funny smile on my face.

Thank you, Cam. He loves it.

Twinsies!

Yay!

Okay, everybody, it's picture time.

- Where's Luke?
- Right here.

Honey, what are you wearing?
Is that a girl's shirt?

I guess I grabbed the wrong one
from the Laundromat.

If I'm being honest,
I don't hate the way it fits.

It must be that guy's girlfriend's shirt.

- Is it bad that that makes him more interesting to me?
- Yes. Stay away.

Don't worry about Luke.
We'll stick him in the back row.

Not everyone can look their best
in the picture.

Joe's ready.

- What did you do to him?
- You want him to look more Colombian.

What's more Colombian
than the Colombian flag?

He's perfect.

Not a banner day for my male heirs.

Claire, you're in the back.
Phil, you're behind Claire.

No rabbit ears. I don't want you
messing around behind Claire's back.

- Dad.
- Cameron, Lily!

Come on in. it's picture time.

- Honey.
- Mm-hmm.

- There's something I need to tell you.
- Mmm.

Um, you know how you can treasure
special moments in your past...

that in no way diminish
the special moments in your present?

Yeah, sweetheart.
It's called having a memory.

Okay, I wouldn't mind a friendlier tone
as I move through this.

- What did you do?
- Up, up, up, up, ah!

No, that's the wrong way, sweetheart.

What fell out of Lily's pocket?

- Is that a diamond ring?
- Ha. That'll go great with your shirt.

- It looks real.
- It is real.

A small occlusion,
but very good color. This is Claire's.

- No. Claire's got hers on.
- Yeah.

Ay. Phil, please.
You cannot tell the difference...

between this beautiful
but small diamond...

and that chunk of glass that should have
made her finger fall off weeks ago?

I feel like I am getting you in trouble.

- Picture time!
- What's happening?

Okay, don't be mad. Um-

I lost my real ring a few months ago...

and I just realized it must have fallen
in the box of clothes I gave to Lily.

- Why'd you take it off?
- Well, I got pulled over...

and I wanted to flirt my way out of the ticket
by pretending I was single...

and it worked, and I-I kind of liked it.

And then I felt so guilty about liking it
that I just wanted to erase the whole thing.

- So you lied?
- Yes. I lied. I'm sorry.

- Does that make me a terrible person?
- No, no.

- Are you kidding me?
- No?

We've been married for a long time.
Of course we're gonna have our little secrets.

- The important thing-
- Mm-hmm?

Is that we know the difference
between a harmless indulgence-

- Mm-hmm.
- and a real indescre-

Gloria?

- Left.
- Thank you.

Okay, it's picture time!
Everybody, hurry up.

Get in your positions. All right?

All right, I think that everyone is here.

Okay, ready? And smile!

- Are you kidding me?
- Oh.

Nobody noticed I wasn't here.
What does it take with you people?

Ay. Joe, my baby, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, maybe that's
what it takes for you to pay attention to me.

Throw a temper tantrum like Joe.
I could just...

throw a big... temper tantrum that-

Or make a mess of everything and-

I feel like that was aimed at me.
You want to talk about it?

- Or I could just play some piano.
- So I'm in the ballpark.

Look. if it seems sometimes
like we don't notice you...

maybe that is because we are focused
on our own stupid problems...

- and you're so steady.
- Oh, you mean boring.

- No.
- Yeah.

Calm.

Because you live your life
the way you want to.

In fact, you inspired me recently.

- How so?
- Well-

Fine.

I've been going through this thing lately.

It all started when I noticed
a group of guys in the corner in the park.

And, uh, honestly, when I first found out what
they were doing, I thought it was kind of weird...

but I found I kept thinking about it.

And I thought I'd give it a whirl.

O-Okay. Go on.

I think you know where
I'm going with this, but-

One of the older guys showed me the ropes.

Next thing I know, I'm hanging out at that park
in that corner every day and loving it.

Uh-huh.

But I must have also
got some shame about it...

because it feels good
when I'm doing it, but-

Is that me now?

A guy with a show dog?

There it is! Okay, see, I-I knew what
it wasn't. I just wasn't sure what it was.

In fact, there's a show right now, but-
Ah, I'm not gonna go.

No, no.

D- I could tell this is important to you.

- No.
- You should go. You should go.

I don't want to sneak out,
and I don't want people to know about it.

Dad.

A wise man once told me, "I don't get it...

but if that's who you are,
don't you dare be ashamed of it."

I did handle that kind of well.

- Yeah, yeah, well.
- And it wasn't easy.

I just never pictured my kid a lawyer.

It's scary to let people see the real you..

Even when those people
are your own family

But aren't they the ones we should be least worried about?

The ones who will love us without judging..

Who forgive our faults
and celebrate our imperfections...

maybe even encourage us
to let our true selves shine through.

Wait, wait.
Hang on. Wait, wait.

Okay.

- I think you look beautiful.
- I look old.

All my cousins are going to see this.

Click the button
that makes my wrinkles go away.

- What happened?
- Nothing.

It's not nothing. You're limping!

Were you trying to do
the Russian dance again?

It was just something stupid
I was trying out...

and I don't even know why,
since it's basically impossible.

Gloria. Gloria!

Check it out. Is this not
the cutest thing you've ever seen?

She did that on her first try.

- He loves it too.
- Oh, sure. Rub it in, Joe.

Attagirl!
Here she comes this way.

- Now she's just showing off.
- Both ways.