Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 18 - The Wow Factor - full transcript

Claire and Cam clash over a fountain as they try to flip a house, Mitchell confronts a playground bully, Jay spends the day alone with Joe, and Phil tries to teach the girls about home repairs.

So we're gonna change that one.

I'm back.

Okay, let me see,
let me see, let me see!

You guys are want to, um...

Oh, my God!

I love it!

All clear.

Okay, so--

So good! It is so good!

For the last few months,

Cam and I have been redoing
a house together

that we're gonna flip,

and I have to say,
it has been goin' great!

We make an amazing team.

- Yeah. The key is trust.
- Absolutely.

The key is, I let Claire
think she's in charge.

I hide what I want in something
bigger and more expensive.

Then when she rejects that,

we "compromise"
on what I wanted all along.

I call my method "the Trojan horse."

You know how I got Lily?
I asked Mitchell for triplets.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh?

You are going to love

what I found
for the kitchen countertops.

It's from Carrarra, Italy.

It's where Michelangelo
got the marble to make the "David."

Oh. Now we know why the "David"
couldn't afford any clothes.

Okay, well, uh...

I also found this one.

It's not as nice,
but it's less expensive.

Well, it's still over budget, but...

I guess it's okay.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

By the way, we couldn't get
the powder room fixtures you wanted.

What? Why?

Well, they're 23%,
or $982, over the budget.

Keeping in mind, that space
is only 12% of 1,462 square feet.

Whenever I need to rein
in Cam's spending,

I employ something that I like
to call "the number dump."

So... unless you wanna cut 16%,

or $1,764 from somewhere
in the flooring budget,

we've gotta find another 4% overall.

Yeah. No, as long as they're pretty,
it's fine. It's fine.

Yesterday, I accidentally
said "eleventy-five."

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg

So everybody knows how hard
I worked on that project.

I mean--

Hey, wait. What are you doing?

Trying to put the sugar
back in the thing.

Well, just go get the broom.

I'll eat it for a dollar.

What did I say about
eating things for money?

Charge the most.
Then people will think you're worth it.

That's right.
That's at least $5.

- Hey, he said a dollar.
- Broom.

Hey, dad, I can't find my scarf,

and the closet light's burnt out.

- So just change it.
- I can't reach it.

Oh, if only there was
some magical way

of getting up closer to the ceiling.

Okay, now you just
sound like Dylan.

- I'm saying get a step stool.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

One thing at a time, okay?

What is happening?

I'm sweeping.

No, you're not sweeping.

You're just spreading it all around.

It's gonna cost more if
you want me to eat it now.

That's when it hit me--

my daughters know nothing
about home care and maintenance.

I don't want 'em to be dependent.

It's up to me to show them
what a modern,

self-sufficient woman looks like.

Careful. Keep that up,

he'll have to hit "numero dos"
when he calls the DMV.

By the time he's old enough to call,

it will be "numero uno."

Ay, there he is.

Manny, why did you
have breakfast alone outside?

I felt like eating
breakfast alfresco.

Does that mean
he had his pants off?

Because if I can't, he can't.

Jay, he's been eating outside
on his own all week.

Do you think that he feels left out

because of all
the attention I give Joe?

You know, I've been
wondering the same thing.

Tell you what-- why don't
I have some father-son time

with Joe this afternoon

and give you some time with Manny?

Ay, that's so sweet.

You can take Joe to his baby class.

Gloria, I think he already
knows how to be a baby.

I love you,
but I can't laugh at that again.

Manny, how about
I pick you up after school,

and we both have a special day?

Well, I did talk to Jay

about getting some tickets
for this reading.

What reading?


The stage reading of "Moby Dick"?

I told you about it last night.

I have zero recollection of this.

I knew I shouldn't have
poured you that second scotch.

Sorry, buddy,
but I already committed

to spending the afternoon with Joe

so you and your mom
could have more time together.

Hey, maybe she can take you.

- Can we, mom?
- Of course, mi amor.

It's your special day.
We'll do whatever you want.

Great. This is gonna be
four hours you'll never forget.

Hey, buddy.
Looks like it's just the dos of us.

Why do I feel that
you did something shifty?

I have no idea.

But I gotta say,
it's not your best quality.

All right, sweetie,
you have a good day.

Watch me play handball, daddy.

Oh, okay.


That's Milo. He beats everybody.

Next loser!

- He's mean.
- Yeah, I'm gettin' that.


Another girl?

Hey, sweetie? Sweetie?

You're gonna do great, okay?

If you say so.


Uh, Milo?
That-- that was my fault.

I distracted her,

so maybe she could just go again?

No do-overs. Next!

Well, I'm next, and I would like
to give her my turn.

No switcheroos.
Are you playing or not?

- No.
- Chicken. Next.

I hate bullies.
I've hated them my whole life.

I hated them when they
were named Scott Dworkin

or Greg Pechenko
or Katie Greenwald.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna play.

But, daddy, he's really good.

Well, I'm really good, too.

- But it's a sport.
- I got this.

You done talking?

You know, it's really appropriate
that we're at a school,

because I'm about
to teach you a lesson.


All right.
Sorry, sweetheart.

Here, I'll walk you to class.

No, thank you, mister.


Whatcha doin'?

I think I have an idea.

Okay. Every house needs
a "wow" factor, right?

- Mm... - What is the one
thing this backyard is missing?

- A qualified buyer?
- Now don't be silly.

No. A water feature
with a fire element.

Oh, God, no.

No, no, please.
Now just imagine--

this entire back wall

cascading into a reservoir
that erupts into flames

on the quarter hour.
How does that sound?

Like we need a white tiger.

Maybe I'm being a little ambitious.

So let's just do a couple
dancing water fountains,

- call it a day.
- No, wait. Cam, Cam, Cam.

That's gonna still put us, like,

$3,500 over our landscape budget.

Right now, we're
40-12 percent higher

than I thought we'd be at this point

because Smitty added
that 8% surcharge.

I'm sorry--
Did you just say 40-12 percent?

Mm, no, I didn't.

Yes, you did.
You do this all the time.

You just throw numbers at me
to frighten and confuse me.

And here I thought we were
working so well together,

and you're just being manipulative.

What about you, Cam?

Pitching these crazy,
over-the-top ideas

just so you can slip in
what you really want.

Oh, how dare you accuse me
of Trojan horsing you.

You have a name for it?

No, I mean--

You know what?
I will not stand here

and be accused by the likes of you.

And if there was a door here, missy,

I would slam it your face.

Oh-ho! I thought we weren't
flaming till the quarter hour!

Gloria and Manny
left me alone with Joe,

and it was great...
for about 20 minutes.

Then the little bugger
turned on me.

I tried everything
to calm him down--

Bouncing. Bottle.

Brightly colored objects.

Bigger bottle.

So I did the old
"put him in the car" trick.

But I could still
hear him out there.

I'm just kidding.

I drove him to his little class,

but he dozed off
right before we got there.

Or he took a page from
the Jay Pritchett playbook--

saw the crap he was in for
and pretended to be asleep.

Mr. Pritchett?

- Yeah.
- Rachel Lissy.

Claire's friend from
High School, remember?

How could I forget?

You knocked down
my mailbox with your K-car.

Again, I apologize.

- How you doin'?
- Couldn't be better.

I've been married for 15 years,

two great boys over there.

Cooper! Unhand your brother!

I'm taking them
to the James Bond movie,

and they don't want me
to sit with them.

I miss babies.

Oh, they're a lot of fun, huh?

- So nice to see you.
- Nice seeing you.

Great kids.

Ugh! No, you're not!

Joe, I found a better way
for us to bond...

James Bond.

My dad taught me everything
there is to know

about maintaining a home,

and today,
that tradition continues.

Voila! Light bulb changed.

Hey, I have an idea.

Let's get to know the house, huh?

Hey, I have an idea--

let's lock him in.

Okay. Let's go over
this baby right here.

What are we lookin' at, huh?


In a sense, yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

Uh, photosynthesis
converts carbon dioxide

into food for plants,

this water heater converts
cold water into hot.

What converts this
conversation into over?

Girls, you need
to learn these things.

You might find yourselves
living alone at some point.

I long for the day.

Okay, we're just gonna start with
something really basic, all right?

I am turning the pilot light off.

These things go out occasionally.

- Why?
- I don't know. No one knows.

Let's just say gremlins do it.

But if it happens to you,
what do you do?

- Call a guy.
- Or a girl.

Oh, my God,
we're literally in a closet,

- and you just said that.
- Focus.

You don't call anyone.
To re-light the pilot,

turn the valve to "pilot,"

you press it down
to begin the flow of gas,

you wait a few seconds...

Where you guys from originally?

And you just press the igniter.

There you go.

That's odd.
Why is it not working?

Oh, I got it.
Why don't we just fill it up

with hot water from the tap?

Found another light that's out.

Claire and I were at a stalemate
on the water feature.

So I brought in
an experienced professional

to help break the tie.

Pam also happens to be a friend

and a fellow gay parent
at Lily's school.

Am I trying to stack
the deck against Claire here?

No. I would never be so...



Oh. Oh, Claire, this is Pam.

- Pam, Claire.
- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

- You, too.
- Pam is a licensed contractor.

- Done a lot of houses.
- Uh-huh?

I thought it'd be nice
to bring in a third party

that's objective, to help
settle the fountain dispute.

Oh. Objective, right.

Well, my son does
go to school with Lily,

but believe me, that is not
gonna sway my decision

- any more than the fact
that you are beautiful. - Hmm?

Thank you. You are, too.

Thank you.

Let me grab your cans.

Your paint cans.

There you go.


Hey, what's the matter, Joe?

Hey, that's a boy.
That's a boy.

Come here. There you go.

Here you are. There you go.

There you go.

You know, I'm happy
to take him outside

- until he stops crying.
- Oh, no, I wouldn't want you to miss this.

It's fine. Once Daniel Craig
put his shirt back on,

- I lost interest.
- Are you sure?

- Absolutely.
- Okay.

Here-- just go ahead.

Thank you very much.

I'll be right outside.

- Okay.
- Shh!

You shush, Nathan!

Stupid thing!

Dad, we've been
standing here forever.

Can't we just call the guy?

No. There is no guy.
I'm the guy.

Here's what I need you to do.
Run to the hardware store,

get me a T6 torx screwdriver.

- What?
- Just ask the guy.

I thought there was no guy.

There is one there!

- Could be a girl.
- Eh?

Just go!

I didn't need a torx screwdriver.

I've always wanted one, though.

But I needed them
out of the house,

so... I could... call... a guy.

Dad, help me.

Are we gonna do that thing again

where you try on different outfits
like in "Pretty woman"?


Saw you sinkin' some
J's back there, huh?

Box and one. Cover two.

Sh-Shaq-a-hack? Am I right?

Not even close.

- What's up?
- Well, word has it

that you were a pretty good
handball player back in the day.

Yeah. And Neil Armstrong was
a "pretty good" trumpet player.

I see you spent a lot
more time on the court

than you did in the classroom,

so clearly, I've come
to the right place.

Look, I need you to teach me
everything you know.

How come it's so important?

Well, there's this kid,

and he's been kind of bullying
Lily and all her friends.

And I tried to teach him.

I tried to put him in his place
on the handball court,

and I lost.

And I-I could just see
the disappointment in Lily's eyes.

Like there's any emotion
in those eyes.

Are you gonna help me or not?

- Okay.
- Yes!

But I need you to give it 105%.

Ah, no.
It's 110%, buddy.

That's impossible.

I think the fountain's a little pricy.

But you know what? It's gonna
more than make up for itself

when a family comes in here

and falls head over heels
in love with this home.

Okay, that's a valid point.

It is a bit of an empty
space out there.

Thank you.

Well, I mean,
I see what you're saying.

Sorry. It's hot in here, right?

Oh, well, you know, that happens
to women of a certain age,

like with my mom.

Are you kidding?
What are you, like, 35?

What are you, like,
an angel sent from heaven?

I see what you're saying.

I just feel that we might be pricing
ourselves out of the market.

If a family wants to come in here,

and--and build
themselves a fountain,

they can do so themselves.

That's true.

Um, okay, well, you know, Pam,

- um, there are lots of families
like... ours... - Mm-hmm.

Moving to this neighborhood
for the schools.

P.S., saw Connor's art project--

Talent runs in the family.

Anyway, I'm just saying
I think a family would respond

to having a little drama
in the backyard.

I think Pam's made it pretty clear
what she likes. Am I right?


Oh, no.

Now my shirt is all see-through.

And so are you.

Please tell me you are
not falling for this.

I'm not, but I am enjoying
this little show tremendously,

so thank you.

Yeah. As for my professional
opinion on the fountain,

don't do it.

I mean, if you were
gonna live here yourself,

I'd say go for it.
But it's too expensive for a flip.

Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Thank you.

- Cam?
- Fine.


I can't believe I just went
garter shopping with my son.

When you find a better way to keep
my socks up, let me know.

Hey, as long as we're in the mall,

you wanna stop in the baby class
to see Jay and Joe?

No. They need this time
to make a connection.

It's not like mother and son,

that the bond is naturally strong.

Hey, isn't that Joe over there?

No, that's some weird baby.

He's not perfect
like my little Joe.

But he's got the same blanket.

What are you doing here?

You gave our baby to a stranger?!

She's not a stranger.
She's Claire's friend.

- Shh!
- Shut up, Nathan!


The gas is on, dad.

I can see the spark
from the igniter.

I don't know what it is.

- That's your thermocouple.
- Oh.

You get a little sediment in there

or some rust,
and you're done for.

The thermocouple. Of course.

Why didn't I think of that?

Thanks, dad. I-I shouldn't be
buggin' you with this stuff.

Are you kiddin' me?
I love to help.

Makes me feel like
you still need me.

Of course I need you.

You're the best
when it comes to this.

Anything else you need fixin'?

Yeah, actually,

I've been havin' a little
trouble with my thumb.

Oh, the old thumb.
That's simple.

Just push it back in and
make that popping sound.

- Oh, yeah, you're right.
- There you go.

Hey, make sure you tell Claire
how pretty she looks tonight.

A woman needs to hear that.

You do the same with mom.

No, your mom's a little tired
of hearing how pretty Claire is.

Good one!

All right. Love you.

Love you, too.

Dad, we're home.


That was the least fun
I have ever had shopping ever.


Honey, that's a torque wrench,
not a torx screwdriver.

Okay, you're just screaming now.

Can't you just go get it?
You're the best at this stuff.

Yeah, plus the car
is doing something funny,

and there's a light
on the dashboard

that looks like
a little genie lamp.

My kids are helpless,
but maybe that's okay.

Because years from now when
they have their own houses,

they'll call me on
their hologram phones

and say, "help me, dad.
You're my only hope."

And I'll be the happiest
father in sector 7...

Or sector 12,
if we're doing really well.

I don't know why
your mom's so mad.

Maybe it has something to do

with giving your son away
to a complete stranger.

You're next.

And what were you two
doing in the mall, anyway?

I thought you were
seeing "Moby Dick."

It was sold out.

Maybe that's how
you can make it up to her--

take me to the "Moby Dick"
reading tomorrow.

Nice try.

Doing something selfless
for her other son

could make up for
your monumental blunder.

Maybe flowers or jewelry.

I like to throw money
at the problem.

Hello, pretty lady.

What do you wanna do for dinner?

How about we exchange
the baby for a cheese pizza?

- Is this about today?
- I'll call for those tickets.

You were supposed to spend
quality time with the baby.

Joe was asleep. He didn't even
know he missed the puppet show.

It was the baby class!

Okay, call it what you want.

I saw a hippie with
a frog on his hand.

And for your information,

I'm takin' Manny
to that reading tomorrow.

Now you're just trying
to dig yourself out of a hole

because you know that
you were caught in a lie.

- So here's something--
- Not now, Manny.

Oh, let him talk.

I called the theater,

and they have tons of tickets
for tomorrow's show.

And it turns out today's show
wasn't sold out, either.

- Ay, Manny, not now.
- Let him talk.

Mom, why'd you say it was sold out?

Yeah. Why'd you say it was sold out?

It was a mistake.
This is not my first language.

I don't understand
English very goodly.

Don't play that card.

You didn't wanna go
any more than I did.

Fine. I lied,
but I earned that lie.

Ay, Manny, I am so sorry.

But you know that I am always
trying to do everything

for everybody in this family.

But you.

You only do what's good for you.

Let me tell you something,
Jay Pritchett--

when it comes to raising kids,

you get what you give.

Well, you rattled
that off pretty goodly.

You don't have to do this, daddy.

I know, but daddy really
wants to do this, okay?

No, no, no.
No, what do you think you're doing, Sadie?

No cutsies. Come on.


Hello, Milo.

Hello, one of Lily's dads.

All right, let's make
this interesting, okay?

If I win, the new rule is this, okay?

No player can play more
than three times in a row

without getting back in line

and letting the other kids play.

- What if I win?
- Then I'll give you $20,000.

- You're on.
- All right. Let's do this.

Yes! Whoo!

One point for me.

One point for me.
That's right.

Milo, the ball's over here.

Nah, nah.
Doesn't count. It was out.

Aah! Little too high for you, huh?

Three bounces to the wall
makes you a lo-ser,

makes you a lo-ser

Final point.
I get this, I win.

Oh, sweet lord Jesus.

Whoo! Yes! Yes! Winner!

Cham-pi-on! Cham-pi-on!

Cam's gonna be doing
drop-offs for a while.

We got a letter.

I'm sure you're both wondering

why I summoned you here tonight.

I now present to you
the "wow" factor.


I cannot believe
that you went rogue.

I am with Claire on this.

You'll soon see why.

Prepare your senses...

for dancing waters.

- Wow.
- Wow.


Now imagine a prospective buyer,

so entranced by the aqua ballet,

they're compelled instantly
to make a rich offer.

I've even stocked the pools

with fish of gold.

They're just goldfish,

but they're--
they're right here.

This is...
this is really impressive, Cam.

What did you spend?

Quite a bit, actually,
but I don't wanna get into that.

Let me turn this up
to eleventy-five.

- Wow.
- Wow.


Hey, Cam, are fish of gold

supposed to swim
backwards like that?

No, not to my knowledge, no.

Yeah, it's kind of like they're all--

they're gathering
towards that thing.

- It's like a--
- Oh, no!

- Ew! Ew!
- You're killing them!

Claire! Unplug it!

It's half a fish!
That's a half a fish!

There are certain queer
times and occasions

in this strange,
mixed affair we call life...

when a man takes
this whole universe

for a vast practical joke...

Though the wit thereof
he but dimly discerns...


"boom-boom" goes the dynamite,

"boom-boom" goes the dynamite!

And more than suspects
that the joke

is at nobody's expense but his own.

- All right. Close your eyes.
- Why?

- Just trust me.
- Okay.

- Ow!
- Never close your eyes on the court!

- But you told me--
- Don't let me get in your head!

Pop 'em! Pop 'em all before
they hit the ground! Go!

I don't really understand how...

Make a fist with
your thumb on the side.

Now bring your thumb to the front.

Okay, now do it again.

Ha! You just spelled "ass"
in sign language.

Okay. Close your eyes.

It's okay. We're off the court.

You're never off the court!

Synced by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg