Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 17 - Best Men - full transcript

Look, I know you're tired,

but just think how good
you're gonna feel tomorrow

when you wake up and
we have new shelf paper!

I wish I didn't get what
you are talking about,

but I do.
I just do.

Hey, who could be
calling at this hour?

- Oh. It's Sal.
- Mnh-mnh.

No. Not answering that.

Whatever earth-shattering drama
she's going through can wait.

Until she gets here.

Oh, God. I hope we have vodka.



We don't, Mitchell.

Sal was our best girlfriend
from back in our party days,

but over the years, we've kind
of gone in different directions.

We chose forward.

Why won't this open?

Uh, something's wrong
with that door.

Okay, whatever.
I have the most amazing news,

and I'm super excited,

but I won't be if
you don't want me to be.

Ready?

I'm getting married!

- Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!
- Oh, wow!

- I know!
- Who's the guy?

Oh, the love of my life.



Oh, so you finally
bagged your boss?

Oh! Yes, but it's not him.
And I don't work there anymore.

- His name is Tony.
- Okay.

- I met him three months ago.
- Mm-hmm.

He's the greatest guy ever.

And seriously,
are you guys okay with this?

Of course.
Why wouldn't we be?

Well, you know,
because I can get married,

and you guys... ugh! Cant.

So? That doesn't mean you shouldn't.

Really?
Because I will not go through with it

if you don't want me to.
Seriously.

Not necessary. I mean,
what kind of people would we be

if we denied you
or anyone the right to marry?

♪politics.

This makes me so happy

because I want you two
to be my best men.

- Yes! Yes! Of course!
- Of course! Shh.

Okay. The wedding
is gonna be super cute,

just us, a little dinner after.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, and it's next Friday.

- Oh.
- What, it's next Friday?

- Yeah. - How will we have
time to do best man stuff?

You know, like help
you pick out your dress,

get your flowers,
get our hair blown out?

He's never been
a best man before.

Oh, my God, we're getting married!

We're getting married!
Let's have a drink.

- Yeah, we're out of vodka.
- I will see you on Friday.

And initial here and here and here.

Ay, my arm is starting to hurt.

Just a couple more.
What's going on?

Nothing.
I have to get this package,

but there's so much signing.

Get out of here, you perv.

What's the matter with you?

You don't do that
in front of strangers.

At least throw a blanket over.

- I am not ashamed.
- Obviously.

They're out all the time--

in front of Manny,
at the club,

at Claire's dinner the other day.

Phil almost ate a candle.

Fine. Next time, I will feed
your baby inside a dark closet.

I'm just saying
pick your moments, huh?

Like let Daliya open the door.
That's why we hired her.

Daliya?

My mother raised six children

while working
at a construction job.

She would be so ashamed
if I had a nanny.

I don't see a lot of shame
from your mom

when she's cashing
my checks every month.

- Hey, Daliya, we gotta go see
Manny's teacher. - Mm-hmm.

Would you try to coax
a burp out of this one?

Come here, little guy.

Can you hold him a little higher?

I will. I'm just
letting him get settled in.

Okay, we're going.
Bye-bye, Joe.

He likes to bounce a little.

Can you cup your hand

- so that he doesn't feel
like you're slapping? - Okay.

She knows it.
Stop micromanaging.

Ow. Cup your hand.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Hey, can one of you guys drive me
to my cello thing tonight?

Honey, I wish we'd known.

- Yeah. We got a dinner thing
with the Flendersons. - Mm.

Okay, you don't have to stay,

and those aren't even real people.

Sorry. I panicked.

I got stuck between
the Flemings and the Hendersons.

Oh, my God. Are those new boots?

Yes.

I love them.
They're so cute!

They are?

Oh, I forgot to tell you--

Danielle Gunston-- first one
in my class to get pregnant.

You totally called it.

Did you hear that?

My money was on Denise Modick.

No. First she complimented
my fashion sense,

then she told me
I did something right.

Phil, I think it's happening.

Raising a kid is like sending
a rocket ship to the moon.

You spend the early years
in constant contact,

and then one day,
around the teenage years,

they go around the dark side
and they're gone.

All you can do is wait
for that faint signal

that says they're coming back.

I think Haley
is sending me that signal.

And?

- And Phil gave me that analogy.
- Yeah.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna ask her out
to dinner tonight.

Do you think she'll say yes?

If you want, I can pass her
a note in study hall.

Hey!

What did I do?

Oh, my God. Nothing.

I just wanted to know,
if you weren't busy,

you know, if you wanted
to have dinner with me tonight?

Dinner? Just you and me?

I mean, you don't have to.
It's cool. Don't worry.

No, sounds fun. Let's do it.

Okay. Let's meet
by the front door, then.

You know, 7:00?

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I totally think she likes you!

I think so, too.

First of all, I just want to say
what a pleasure it is

to have Manny in art class.

- He's talented--
- Can we just skip to what he did wrong?

Who said that he did
something wrong?

Hit it.

We do have an issue.

- Told you.
- Manny seems to have quite a fascination

with the female nude.

So? He's a romantic.

Well, this is all his art work
over the last few weeks.

Holy moly.

There were even more,

but I think the janitor
took some home.

- Look at this.
- Mm.

And this.

And these.

Look, I'm an artist.
I'm free.

I used to have an earring up here.

But some of the other parents
have complained.

Well, the moms.

He must have learned
that at school.

Because we have filters
in the computer,

and I have thrown out
all of Jay magazines.

Don't know what
she's talking about.

There is no way that Manny
has seen this sort of thing

at our home.

We'll take it from here.

Hey, buddy.

It's just you and me tonight.

Sounds good. I'll be right down.

All right.

I knew it!
What are you hiding?

- Porn.
- Don't lie to me!

Fine.
I'm trying to send a message

to a girl on Facebook,
but she's so out of my league.

Look at her.

Oh, yeah. She's cute.

I've been sitting here forever

- and I can't think of anything to say.
- Well, you are in luck.

If anyone knows the art
of wooing the fairer sex,

it's this guy.

"Hey."

- Wait!
- Send.

Why did you type that?

Now she knows
I'm thinking about her.

Smiley face.

Oh, my God.
Stop now.

We can only screw it up from here.

Please. You're in the hands
of the master.

I think I know how
to pick up a 14-year-old girl...

For you.

"What's the haps tonight?"

Boop.

"What's the haps tonight"?
Nobody says that.

"Going to the mall. Wanna meet?"

"Dinner at Rosa Grill in an hour?"

Question mark. Boom!

Kids don't eat dinner.

What do you mean,
you don't eat dinner?

What do you do?

I don't know. You just
walk around and jump off stuff.

You can't invite a girl
to jump off stuff.

Well, it's way better than--

"See ya then. X.O."

You're in, buddy.

I gotta get ready.

All right, let's go
before this wears off.

I think we have a few days.

Well, thank you, dimples.

Oh, you better get
that out of your system,

'cause in two hours,
you're gonna be...

Mrs. Anthony Lombardo.

So does this Italian of yours cook?

In every room of the house,

if you know what I mean! Ooh!

- We have a lot of sex.
- Yeah. Got it.

Okay, now let's have a proper toast.
All right.

- Mm. Mm-hmm.
- To wild Sal.

You gave it a good run,

but like every legendary gunslinger,

there comes a time when
you need to holster your weapons

and ride off into the sunset.

But you took on every man
who came to town.

- I really did!
- You sure did.

Also, you know,
I'm just getting married.

I'm not dying.

No, no.
We're just happy you're happy.

And we're excited that
we're gonna get to see

so much more of you now.

- Yes. We'll be couple friends.
- Mm-hmm.

- We'll go to movies...
- Take classes...

Oh, our game nights on Saturday...

- Huge. Mm-hmm.
- They're epic, yeah. Do you play Cranium?

Well, if I'm playing board games
on a Saturday night,

you can shoot me in my cranium.
But I love you!

I need to take a whiz.

I'm so happy for her.

I think we might have
freaked her out, though.

Oh, no, Mitchell. Come on.
You're a smart man,

but you are awful
at reading people.

Sal's been different this week.

That is a woman in love.

Looks like a woman in love.
Wow.

Look, nobody's as happy
as I am about you loving the ladies.

All I'm saying is,
you gotta pull back a little.

- Okay.
- Ay, Manny,

this is all my fault.

I am too free with my body.

- It was okay when you were
a little boy, but-- - Was it?

But now that you're a young man,

- then...
- I didn't hear a word they said.

All I could think about was Daliya.

Every drawing, every poem,

every historical novel
I wrote was for her.

She was my muse.

Toss in a body that doesn't quit,

and I think we got a soul mate.

So there's a lot of other
things you can draw.

You've got your landscapes.
You've got your bowls of fruit.

Trees.

A barn. The ladies
with the fruit on the head.

I said fruit.

But you didn't say the ladies
with the fruit on the head.

I'm trying to get him
away from the ladies.

Ah, good. Good. Good.

This is so stupid.

What if I spill on her,

or accidentally brush
my boob against her hand?

I mean her hand against my boob.

Dude, stay cool. You got this.

I'm gonna be at the bar
the whole time.

If you start to panic,
just come get me.

Shh. There she is.

What was that?

I don't know.
I've never heard it before.

Try not to let that happen again.

- Hi, Luke.
- Pretty good.

Uh, I mean, hi, Simone.

Uh, this is my dad.

Dad, this is Luke.

You're funny.

Looking.

Clutch.

What are you still doing here?

What the hell got into me?

Besides the bartender's tongue?

Yes. Yes, well,
that was a little inappropriate.

But let's not overreact.

It's perfectly natural
to have a panic attack

before making a big life decision.

What if it's the wrong decision?

What if Tony's not the guy?

What if he's the guy?

Or him? He is cute.
When did he come in?

Okay, you need to focus, Sal.

You are about to make a sacred,
lifelong commitment.

Aah! You are not making this better!

Oh, God, it's Tony.

I'm supposed to pick him up
and drive him to the wedding?

Everybody shut up for a second!

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna marry him.

What's the worst that can happen?
I get a divorce.

People do it all the time.

Oh, you're suffocating me!

It is not too late.
You are not married yet.

You're right.

Okay. That's good.
Get it all out.

- Here. Stand up.
- Okay, mom?

Mom. Mom. Oh, my God,
mom, I think I got it.

I've been lugging this thing
around for ten years.

Okay. Well, you sure
you don't want us to stay

and-- and hear you play?

Mm, that's okay.

Yeah, I agreed to dinner,

not tickets to
the Electric Light Dorkestra.

Don't be so mean to your sister.

No, that's our band's name.

So you wanna go back
to that vegan place?

Ooh. Leather jacket.
Can't take the hate.

Haley!

Gabby! What are you doing here?

I just stopped in
for a bump of coffee

before I meet up with Zoe
and those guys at Noodlecat.

- Do you wanna go?
- So what's--what's Noodlecat?

Oh, it's this really
cool Asian place

that sells, like, a million
different kinds of noodles.

And hopefully, no cat.

- Well, that sounds cool.
- So you don't mind if I go?

Oh, I kind of thought we had plans.

Oh. Yeah. You're right.

So I can meet you guys there after.

- How long are you gonna be there?
- No.

It's fine. It's fine. Go.

I'll stay and watch Alex.

- Oh, now I feel bad.
- Mm.

Love you! Mwah.

Excuse me.

You're Luke's dad, aren't you?

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm Valerie, Simone's mom.

- Oh. Phil.
- Hi.

I recognized you

from when you hosted
the school's talent night.

- Oh.
- You were incredibly limber.

Ah, when you wear the right pants.

- Please, sit down.
- Thank you.

Yeah.

So how is the big date going?

I don't know.

Simone was so nervous.

When they were chatting
on the computer,

I had to write everything for her.

That's so funny.
I did the same thing for Luke.

So the whole time we were
talking to each other?

Wait, does that make this our date?

Well, a good father,
funny, handsome.

A girl could do a lot worse.

You know what, Mitchell?

Forgive me
if my Missouri is showing,

but what she is doing
is not marriage.

It's a mockery of marriage.
It's mockerage.

- And I'm gonna stop it.
- No, no, you're not.

I can't help but think
you're infusing the situation

with just a touch
of your own frustration.

Why, because we've built a life
together for the last ten years?

Because we're raising a child?

Or because I was
the first person to think of doing

an elaborately choreographed
dance at our wedding,

and now it's been done to death?

Makes you feel any better,
I was never gonna do that.

But... I get it.

Well, you know what?
She can't get married

if the best man doesn't
hand over the wedding ring.

- You wouldn't.
- Yes, I would.

Where is it?
Give it to me.

- Give me the ring. Cam.
- Stop. Stop.

- You have to give me--
- Oh, well, this is a mystery solved.

Thank you!

- Okay. Let's go do this.
- Okay.

How hot does Tony look?

- On a scale of 1 to bartender, or--
- Reel it in, Cam.

I think this is broken.

We're gonna have
to find another spot.

No, we'll be late for the movie.

Are you sure you're doing it right?

We both know I know
how to use a credit card.

All right, I'll put
a note on the meter.

Let me get a piece of paper.

Maybe this is a bad sign.

Maybe I'm not supposed
to be in the movie theater.

I'm supposed to be
at home with my babies.

Honey, we know that Daliya
knows how to take care of Joe.

And what about Manny?
He's supposed to run his own bath?

You know, considering
what's been going on with him,

it might be good for you
to give him a little space.

I mean, this was his idea.

- What was?
- That we go out tonight,

so that we could get
some alone time.

Oh, that's sweet.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

We gotta get home.
Look--Manny's notebook.

More drawings and a poem--
"Ode to Daliya."

So those were not my boobs?
They were Daliya's boobs?

Yep. This is not a
"Nude descending a staircase,"

this is a "Nude
vacuuming a staircase."

Okay, Manny. Joe's asleep.
What do you want for dinner?

Actually, already taken care of.

- You shouldn't play with your food.
- What are you doing here?

I knew you were upset I left,
and I felt bad, so I came back,

You're here out of guilt?

- I know. I'm growing up.
- Oh.

Why are you rolling
your eyes at me?

I'm doing a nice thing.

Because I want you to be here
because you want to be here.

Okay, you're being
really needy right now.

Oh, my God. Are you
going through the change?

Stop asking me that every time
I express an emotion.

And no, I am not.
It's just so damn hot in here.

I am disappointed, that's all.

When you were little,
we used to do everything together.

And I thought maybe
you were coming back around,

and we could be friends again.

I just... miss being part
of my daughter's life.

Hey, everybody.
Thanks for coming.

I thought this was supposed
to be some sort of classical thing.

Me, too.

She sings?

I don't even know who that is.

Oh, my God, Phil,
you are hilarious.

Yep. That's how I got
my wife of 20 years.

Could we get the check, please?

Oh, I got this.

Ooh, funny and generous.

If my husband
were more like you...

maybe I'd still be married.

Well, if my wife were here,

she'd want me to be clear
that I'm fully committed to her.

You know that, right?

What?

No, I just wanna make sure,

because you unbuttoned a button,

and I... love my wife, so--

you were the one who was flirting

- and saying we're on a date.
- That was a joke,

but I'm-- I'm sorry
if I misled you at all.

Thank you.

But there was a lot of touching.

I touched your shoulder
for a second.

No, it was more of a stroke,
like this--

Okay. I'm so sorry

for touching your hand
with my boob.

I mean my boob
with your hand.

Is this your little game?

You cop a feel on a sad divorcee

and then pretend
I'm the one coming on to you?

- How does that feel?
- Oh. Weird.

- You like it? Yeah?
- Oh. Uh...

- Little bit of that?
- Whoa.

- Yeah.
- Little bit of--whoa. No.

You probably like this.
Don't you? Yeah.

Oh, stop it.
Your daughter's right over there.

My minivan is right outside.

That is not what I meant.

This pizza is delicious.

I like it, too.
We have so much in common.

Have you seen
the back of your menu?

"With silken hair
and supple olive skin

and hands that wash
the laundry of my kin..."

Oh, Manny...

You still have 12 lines to go.

Spoiler alert-- I love you.

Okay, back away from the nanny.

Oh, my God, it looks like
a Madonna video in here!

- Why aren't you at the movies?
- We need to talk right now.

- What have you done to my son?!
- I didn't--

She didn't do anything.

Why do you have to embarrass me?

Embarrass you?
Maybe if you didn't fall in love...

Stop this!

You're going to wake the baby.

Now Manny and I are
having a private discussion.

So please, give us a minute.

- I'll give you your minute right
this minute. - Mnh. Gloria. Gloria.

Go ahead, Manny.

I'm not saying we need
to do anything right away.

I'm just asking you
to wait a few years.

You are so sweet.

Whoever ends up with you

is the luckiest woman in the world.

That could be you.

No.

I am unlucky, because
I was born too soon.

And I can't have you wait around.

Poets have to live.

Besides, in a few years,
you'll feel differently.

You're wrong. I'll feel this way
for the rest of my life.

Well, Manny, wait.

- Ay, Manny, papito lindo--
- Leave me alone.

Sorry about that.

Don't be. It's the sweetest offer
I've ever gotten.

I am so sorry that
I screamed at you.

It was so nice what
you told him in there.

I take Manny,
you take the little one?

Okay.

- You probably just--
- She knows what to do, Jay.

Tiramisu.

I love his tiramisu.

Marriage is a promise.

It says to the world
that you share a love

and a commitment to each other

that will only grow deeper
as the years go by.

Now have you two written vows?

Yeah, I'll go.

Marriage terrifies me.

Take Mitch and Cam.

I used to think their life
looked so boring.

I could never do it.
Pay bills? Wash dishes?

Wake up to the same face every day?

I felt sorry for them.

Where is this headed?

But they're not bored.

It turns out when
you're with the right person,

you can change shelf paper
at 10:00 at night in your pajamas

and not wanna be anywhere else.

That's how much
they love each other.

We sure do.
And when I just saw your face,

I remembered...

that's how much I love you.

Thanks for being here.

We wouldn't be anywhere else, Sal.

And do you have
anything prepared?

Hit me, baby.

I made out with
a stripper last night.

Sorry. I just
wanna start this clean.

I made out with a bartender...
an hour ago.

You're not just saying that
to make me feel better, are you?

Back me up. Didn't I?

- She totally did.
- I totally did!

- Yeah. He was hot, too.
- He was very good-looking.

- Nice.
- Well. That was different.

Who's got the ring?

Hand 'em over.

Thank you guys so much.

Alex, honey, amazing.

Why didn't you tell us?

- Oh, I-I don't know.
- That was so good.

- Uh-huh.
- If I didn't know you,

- I'd be all like, "that chick is cool."
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, guys, hi. I'm Alex's mom.

You were terrific.

Hey, and I'm her sister.

We're gonna go get some dinner.

Do you wanna come with us?

You can bring
your friends from the band.

Um, no, thanks.
We're actually going out,

and I have a ride home,
so see you guys later.

- Okay.
- Oh.

Oh, my God. Sorry about that.

Did she just apologize for us?

- Yep.
- But we were just being nice.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Luke, I'm sorry Simone's mom
dragged her away so fast.

It's okay. I was running
out of things to say.

Guess I kind of blew it
for you, didn't I?

No. Now that her mom
doesn't want her

going out with me anymore,

Simone wants me more than ever.

I guess she's heading
into a rebellious stage.

Best time to get 'em.

Never be afraid to go after
a girl who's out of your league.

I did.
That's how I got your mom.

Yeah, I always wondered
how you pulled that one off.

She was in a rebellious stage, too.

Yep, grandpa wasn't always
as crazy about me as he is now.

I'm gonna go pop the champagne
and get some glasses.

- Yay!
- I'll help.

I'm gonna get Cranium.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry you couldn't come
to the wedding.

It was no kids.

It's okay.
I'll go to your next one.

Wow.

Yeah.
She-- she just means when

she's not a kid anymore,
you know?

She knows what I mean.

I don't like you.

I'll get over it.