Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 16 - Bad Hair Day - full transcript

Claire runs into an old lover at her college reunion, a mishap causes Cam to give the baby a disastrous haircut, and Jay has to put his bowling match on hold to build up Manny's confidence.

OK, here's the number
for poison control.

Ask for Carol.

Honey, we're gonna be fine.
Enjoy your reunion.

Oh, it'd be a lot more fun
if you were there.

I really am sorry about that.

- I just can't miss the chance
to bowl on Jay's team. - Mnh.

That's why I ordered
these glide rights.

If you break 'em in properly,
they're supposed to give you

a completely frictionless--

If I'm being honest, the reunion
might be a little more fun

if Phil isn't there.

Otherwise, I spend the whole
weekend telling him who's who

and explaining inside jokes.

And if all that explaining
is going out,

the alcohol is not going in.

Hey, mom. Before you go,
you have to sign this for school. Mm.

You don't have to read it.
It's all boilerplate.

Honey, I am running really late.
Ask your dad.

Right here, buddy.


I have to get the letter signed

because I failed my assignment
on the revolutionary war.

I recreated the Battle of Bunker Hill

using one of my old
science projects.

Seemed pretty revolutionary to me.

The brave patriots made
their way up the hillside,

prepared for whatever the devious
red coats might inflict next.

Now you work?!

- So, dad--
- One second, buddy.

The salesman said when
you're breaking these shoes in,

it's easier to move side to side.

Son of a gun.

He was right.

What do we got here?

Sync by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg | Sync to web-dl by aneurysm

I've waited a year for this day--

the annual trade association
scratch bowling tournament.

Last year, we lost
to our biggest rival.

Frazier had Ali.

Pritchett's closets has closets,
closets, closets, closets.

It's a stupid name,
but those cats can bowl.

Ay, I knew the pancakes
would bring you down.

Just coffee for me today.

Black, like I feel on the inside.

Ay, Manny.
Please, it was only one bad audition.

No, three bad auditions--

fall assembly, "Phantom,"
and now the spring sing.

I'm a disaster.

You're always so dramatic.

Dramatic, mother?

I am sure that Cam is gonna call you
today and give you the solo.

You're always so hard on yourself.

Remember that you said that
you didn't have a face for hats?

- And?
- I look great in every hat.

I can't hear you.

I look great in every hat.

Well, enjoy that while it lasts.

I had a pretty good hat run,

but then I saw a photo of myself
from the dude ranch.

I looked like Reba
at the Grammys.

I see that you found the fur.

Yes. Uh, you wouldn't happen
to have a feather boa, would you?

Are you wearing that
to your Oscar party?

No, Manny. We're not cliches.

Cam's decorating the party

with photos of Lily dressed
as different starlets from the--

w-we--we're cliches.

Hey, Gloria,

look what I found in my bowling bag.

Second place prize
in last year's tournament--

A spa day.

Oh, but it expires today.

Oh. Sorry.

I just wish that I could use this.

But today's the nanny's day off,

and I have a million things to do.

I have to buy diapers,
I have to go pick up the stroller,

I have to go to the doctor.

I hate wasting this, but...

I just don't have any time today.

Yes, I would have loved
to go to the spa,

but having a baby
has changed completely

the way that
Jay's family look at me.

I am not anymore just Gloria
that has her hair done,

Gloria that goes to the gym.

Now I am Gloria the new mother--

the "I don't know
how she does it" lady.

If the feather boa is not here,
it's at my cousin's.

I will go get it after the doctor,
after the pharmacy,

before the baby store, okay?

Honestly, Gloria,
I don't know how you do it.

Ah, found it!

- Help me.
- Careful.

- G--ooh! Oh, Gloria! Are you all right?
- Ay! Aah!

Ay, I told you to help me!

- I am so sorry!
- I twisted my ankle.

Okay. Sit down right here.

I don't have time for this.

No, you-- you can't walk around
on that all day.

No, I'm good. I'm good.

No. I will use...

the baby carrier as a...
as a cane. Okay?


Now hold that. Hold that.
Good, good, good.

Now smolder. Smolder.

Perfect. Perfect.

Let me guess--

you couldn't remember
if I said "boa" or "baby,"

so you brought both.

Gloria hurt herself,

and it was kinda my fault,
so I offered to watch Joe.

Can I take a break?
I wanna be alone.

Okay, where was that attitude
when we were doing Greta Garbo?

Okay, fine. Take five.

Hi, baby Joe.

Why don't you just sit a spell?

We're just makin' pictures.

- Why are you being all Missouri?
- I don't know.

I guess I'm excited to go back
to the farm. Is it that obvious?

- You said "dagburn" at breakfast.
- Have you booked our tickets yet?

You know, I-I'm sure
if I can get off work.

Yeah, but you have
to get the tickets

before all the good seats are taken.

You mean the ones that
aren't on a plane to Missouri?

Okay, sweetie, break's over.

It hasn't been five minutes.

Yes, but it has been
five animal crackers.

Which is five too many
to eat on a shoot day. So...

No more! I quit!

Oh, my gosh.
What has gotten into her?

We've been doing
this for six hours,

and now all of the sudden,
she doesn't love it?

You know, I have a theory.


Well, we're only halfway through

all the pictures that I wanted to do.

Hello, baby Joe!

Well, you may as well be

a dead hobo in the woods
of a small town

after a rainstorm, because
you have just been discovered.

I'm looking less and less forward

to this trip to Missouri.

Hey, handsome.

Uh, can you sign this?
You don't need to read it.

Never do!

Right there.

Oh. Quick--
Nature's sure-fire sunburn remedy?


Hey, Jay. Super excited
about our big match.

I dreamt about it last night.
Guess what? We won!

Phil, I like you
too much to sugarcoat

what I'm about to say--
You're off the team.

Good one. Loosen me up with
some pre-match humor. I like it.

Nah, I found somebody better--
Rudy Sorrenson.

He's in, you're out.


Stickin' with the bit.

I love that this is
our relationship now.

This match is too important,
and you're a wild card.

I'm sorry.


I'm not sure I like
where this is headed.

Phil, this is nothing personal.
It's bowling.

No, no, no. I get it.

Listen, um... I should get goin'.

My allergies are starting to cry.

Hey, Gloria. I was just
about to leave. What's up?

Manny just texted me.
Did he tell you the news?

Yes. Wonderful.
We'll celebrate later.

No. He didn't get the solo.

I think he's very upset.

- Aah!
- My glove.

Where are you?

At the doctor.
He's checking my ankle.

Jay, I think you should
try to cheer him up.

Why don't you take him shopping?

Gloria, my match is at 5:00.
I have a ritual.

I walk the lanes.
I play two or three warm-up games.

He's fine.
I'll let you talk to him.

Darkness, please.

Aw, shoot.
He's out in the pool.

What do I have to do
to make you go away? Sing?

Uh, I'll have him call you back.

My life is a music-less,
gray hellscape.

Wow. Well, this doesn't look

like anything shopping
can help you with.

It's worth a shot.

Sorry I was so indecisive back there.
I'm out of it today.

Well, you got what you want,

and that's what today is all about.

Turn that frown upside-down.

Now you're gonna take
this 15 local to get home.

Keep both your hands
tight on that bag

because it goes through
a few sketchy blocks.

You're not driving me?

Well, you kinda used up
your drive time

deciding between
those identical belts.

Okay. It's just hard.
You know, Jay?

I mean, I've never been a quitter.

Well, new chapter for you.
You got any change?

I mean, I always imagined
I'd be a performer for life.

I guess some dreams
you just have to give up on.

Know when to fold 'em.

Here's a $50.
Someone will have change.

I can't sing, period.

What am I thinking?

The 11 goes right by the house,
and there she is.

Now text your mom
when you get home.

Good luck with your bowling!

Thanks, kid!

Yes. Yes!

We've had my dad's baby
for 45 minutes,

and he's already in a dress.

Okay, Lily, I think we're ready
for our most important setup--

- miss Shirley Temple.
- Here.

Oh, wow. You're an even better
assistant than you are a model.

I don't care.

Okay, well, that came
through in her modeling.

Our daughter.

Okay, I know,
but it just hurts, Mitchell.

It's the first one of our things
that she's outgrown.

Well, you know, but isn't it great
that we've raised her

to have opinions and
interests of her own?

But this early?
She's still so daggum young.

Okay, is that
another Southern thing,

or are you just trying to remember
her vietnamese name?

Oh, my gosh.
This thing is stuck.

What? How--how could it be?

- It is stuck.
- Oh!

I glued it.

W-w-why--why would you do that?

Because the Jane Crawford wig
kept falling off him.

- It's Joan Crawford.
- 'Cause that's what's important here.

Okay. It's--it's glued
to his actual hair.

Okay, Lily,

this is bad.
This is very, very bad.

Sorry. I was trying to help.

Okay. Well, I should've seen this coming.

I replaced her
with somebody younger,

and she sabotaged Joe's shoot
out of sheer jealousy.

Maybe she does have
what it takes to be a model.

Can you...

- Sing!
- What?

I've heard you sing in the shower.

You sing in the car with me.
You never miss a note!

Your problem is doing it
around people. Sing!

- You want me to sing now?
- Yeah!

It's all in your head!

When you get over
that little stage fright,

you'll never choke
an audition again. Sing!

♪ I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate ♪
- Thats's not singing. Attack it!

♪ a pawn and a king. ♪

♪ I've been up and down and over and out
and I know one thing ♪

What's that thing?!

♪ Each time I find myself
flat on my face ♪

Yeah, now you got it!

♪ I pick myself up ♪
- Get that big, I know you want to!

♪ and get back in the race. ♪
- Yeah!

♪ That's life! ♪
- Sing it to me, baby!

♪ That's what people say ♪

Oh, my God. Is that Janie Gibbs?

Yikes. Her skin looks like

crumpled tinfoil you try
to smooth out and use again.

Remind me not to
get old in front of you.

I don't even see the kids'
faces anymore.

I know them by the decals
on their laptops.

Professor Cooke.

Still the sexiest man on campus.

- Wanna know a little somethin'?
- You dated him.

How did you know that?

We were so careful
with that secret.

You wore an oversized
tweed jacket to breakfast

and called my rabbit
convertible "Bourgeois."

Well, it kinda was.

- We were so jealous of you.
- Mm.

He was so hot,

jogging around campus
in those dolphin shorts.

And that wasn't even
why I was with him.

It was his mind.

Do you know those people

who make you feel smart
just by being near them?

I watched you guys once.


Claire's friend!

He remembers me.

Hello, Professor.


It's so good to see you.

Clearly, the academic life
agrees with you.

Oh, I guess we're
all doing pretty well.

- Mm-hmm.
- Cheers.


Here's lookin' at you, too.

- Oh.
- Were you always like this?


Oh, my God. No way.

- Tater! Oh, my gosh!
- Aah!

I heard you're hugely successful.

Yeah, well, you know, when all
the hot girls call you "Tater,"

you tend to try a little harder.

Adorable. Adorable!

- You're adorable!
- Claire!

- Mwah!
- Honey! Hey!

- Hi, Phil! What are you doing here?
- Hey.

Uh... your dad dumped me
from his bowling team,

so I thought I'd surprise you.

Okay. Wait.
Come here a second.

I-I thought you'd be
happy to see me.

I am! No, I am!

I am happy.

Is something wrong?

It's just--
it's a little bit embarrassing.

The guy that I dated
right before you is here, so...

Oh. Well, that's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

We all have exes.

So the guy you dumped
right before you met me is here.

No big deal.


Mnh, he might've dumped me.

I thought you said
you'd never been dumped.

Well... maybe one time.

So... he dumped you,

you healed completely,
and then you met me.


I've regretted throwing away things

way more beaten up than Claire.

So if this campus Casanova
had thoughts of reclaiming her,

guess what, hot shot?

Legally, I still own her.

Man, I always wondered
who'd be lucky enough to marry

the beautiful Claire Pritchett.

No luck involved, hombre.

She saw, she liked,
she got pregnant, she had to.

Hey! Stop hogging this guy.

I haven't seen him in 20 years.

- Mm. Mnh.
- My Tater.

Look, I've gotta run,

but I'd love to have
you guys by my apartment

for a cocktail before dinner.

Oh! We are totally doing that.

Oh. We might have
to go back to the hotel--

No, no, no.
Ah, that's what this weekend's for.

- Having a laugh, meetin' new people.
- Yeah.

I don't want to miss any of it.

And I don't miss much.

Close the door!
You're letting the steam out!

Is the wig coming loose?

Oh, yes, Mitchell.
It's completely off his head.

We're just staying in here

because there's nothing babies
and big guys love more

- than 100% humidity.
- Oh, my God.

Do you realize what Gloria's
gonna do when she sees this?

She punched me when I got
Manny that henna tattoo.

And not the side-of-the-hand
way that I do it.

This had rings and knuckles.

Don't worry.
I'm working on a plan "B."

Or should I say...

- Plan Bieber?
- No.

Huh? No, I just gave him
a little bit of a haircut.

Give me the baby.
I know. Yes!

I mean, that's the great part
of my schedule.

We make it to Europe
almost every summer.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I'm sure you guys travel.

Well, honestly, I don't think
I've been anywhere

without a water slide in 15 years.

That's funny.

She's mentioned Esther, Dougie,

Tripp, afro Judy...

The name "Tater" has literally
never even come up once

in the last 20 years.

Oh, I don't know why I'm surprised.

I was madly in love with her
for four years...

And I was basically invisible

until the day I choked
on that tater tot.

Wait. Uh, I-I thought
you were her ex.

I wish.

Oh! So, Phil,
are you here all weekend?


Well, that's too bad.
I was gonna suggest some activities.

The Palmer center is doing

a wonderful retrospective
of impressionists.

Oh. That is a shame.

That's a field I know
quite a bit about.

- Ah.
- Phil. No.

Uh, you can see the influence,
can't you,

of the, uh, early impressionists?

The, uh...

Rich Littles,

the Frank Gorshins,

on the...
Jimmy Fallons, if you will.

He meant the painter kind.


- Freshen your drink?
- No. No, not done.

You'd know if I was
finished with something,

- and I'm not.
- Oh. Hmm.

- Oh. Just the one then.
- Yeah.

What are you doing?

Sorry. Did I embarrass you
in front of your ex-boyfriend?

Yeah, I know about that.

Because I told you. Come on.
You can't seriously be jealous.


Phil, it was 20 years ago.

Reign it in.

Come on.
You're embarrassing me a little.

Fine, but do you deny
that part of the reason

you wanted to come back here
by yourself is that guy?

I'm not even sure
it's a bad thing, Claire.

We all wonder about
the paths we didn't follow,

but you could admit it.

Well, you can't be mad
at me if I do admit it.

I won't.

Well, I'm not... admitting it,

because I couldn't be happier
than I am in my life with you.

But, mm...

I mean... maybe...

A tiny part of me just wanted to sort
of peek through the window

and... see the life
that might've been.

Never get tired
of those three flights.


Say hi to everyone.

In a second, angel.

Mama's had a day.

Oh, I thought that was the bedroom.

You're in the bedroom, honey...

And the living room and the study

and the gym.

Mm. But anyway...

Listen to me. I'm being rude.

How is everybody?
How's things?

- Not too bad.
- Actually--

No, I'm literally asking you,
how is it to have things?

Oh. Yep, right on schedule.

Keep it down, ya hood rats!

Maggie, you were once a student.

I remember.

That's when I boarded
this little rocket ship to the moon.


Phil, wait. Thank you.

- For what?
- Everything.

I'm not sure how that guy
got to be a Professor.

He'd have to be pretty stupid
to dump you.

Hey, the party's starting,

and there's a really
good-looking guy

I was hoping to do
a little dancing with, so...

- You mean me?
- Yes.

Wait. Before we go,

are there any more exes
I should know about?

Honey, what do you think I was like?

Hey, Claire Pritchett!

Hey, Dean Stoller!

Super quick story.

All right, it's not
too late for plan "C"--

We drop the baby and run.

What? No. You have
to tell her what you did.

You scalped her baby.

I had to cut that wig off.
What did you expect me to do?

He keeps pulling his hat off.

Okay, well,
you could've let me do it.

I have 32 hours
of Vidal Sassoon training.

What? I left the program over
creative differences. Shut up.


- Hola!
- Hola!

Oh! There's my little angel.

Mm. How was he?

Uh... there-- there's
a funny story here.

Gloria! Um--

forgot about that baby...

And check out this one!

You beat closets, closets,
closets, closets, closets?!

We destroyed them!

And it's closets,
closets, closets, closets.

- What did I say? - We went
through this for a half-hour yesterday.

I can't do it again.

You're gonna have to tell her.

What? Why?

Because she has two new rings.

That--that's gonna take
the meat right off the bone.

Okay, Cam,
you take the fall for me,

and I will go with you to Missouri.

I'll even go for a whole week.

Make it ten days.

Okay, fine.

But I don't want to meet
anything on Monday

that I'm gonna eat on Friday.

Oh, well, that's gonna happen.

Oh! My perfect angel!

You got this. You're good.

You know, Gloria, do you remember

that chafing dish I lent you
a couple months back

that you returned
with a chip in it?

Every time that Luke comes over,

he takes things out of the attic
and leaves them just...


Oh. Yeah.

Well, you know, funny thing
about that chafing dish

is it was my grandmother's,
and it was given to her--


Oh, hey, Manny.
Glad I ran into you.

Listen, I'm gonna give you the solo.

Really? You must've heard
what happened to me today.

I feel confident now
and I know I can do--

yeah, I don't care about,
any of that stuff.

I just need you to tell you mom

that you gave your brother Joe
a haircut, okay?

No problem.
How bad could it be?

Anyway, I heard you need
a letter from school signed.

I kinda nailed my Declaration
of Independence replica.

Forged every signature
with this pen.

- So--
- Stop.

We have a deal.

I'll say I cut the baby's hair.

And you give me that cool pen.

- What? No. No, that's not what
I was going to-- - A deal's a deal.

A thief, Lily.

That's who ate
my last piece of cake

that my mother send me
specially from Colombia.

It helps you make the milk.

Such a cool trophy.

Say, how'd that new
guy Rudy Sorrenson do?

He was great.

It's funny how he has
the same name

as one-time pro bowler
Rudolph Sorrenson,

which would be
against league rules.

Well, I'd find it funny.

Jay, hurry up. You have
to take the kids to the movie.

And why does the baby
still have that hat on?

He's going to burn up.

Gloria, I have a confession to make.

I gave Joe a haircut.

It's bad.

Why would you do that?

My dad used to cut my hair
when I was a kid,

and I thought it'd be a nice way
for the baby and me to bond.

But I just made a mess of things...

Like I... make a mess of everything.

Let me take a look at this.

- Oh! Ay, dios mio!
- Hey! Wow. It's really bad.

Dad, why would you do that
to your own son?

He's just a baby.

Plus you ate that cake.

Okay, enough.
Leave him alone.

He could have invented
some crazy story,

but instead he decided
to tell the truth.

That's what families do.

- Yes, it is.
- Mm-hmm. Right.

Okay, go. Go, go, go.

Okay. Uh, Lily, sweetie,
we're leaving! Come on!

I know that they expected me
to go all Colombian crazy.

But this was just another opportunity
for me to show them

that I was not the superficial
Gloria that I used to be.

Plus I was very relaxed
after the day I had.

Aah! Where are you?

At the doctor.
He's checking my ankle.

What? Did you think I was gonna
throw away a whole spa day?

I'm coming, Fulgencio!

Why am I doing this again?

Dad'll get a kick out of it.

Like when we were young
and used to wear his shoes.

Now get up and
take a few steps.

Did dad ask for this?

No, but he'll love it.
Maybe dance around.

Okay, now jump.

What kind of video is this?

You know what?
I've gotta go to work. I'm sorry.

Okay, thanks!

What the hell?


Sync by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg | Sync to web-dl by aneurysm