Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 19 - The Future Dunphys - full transcript

When Phil takes Claire to the hospital for her angiogram, they encounter a family that is basically their future selves, and they're not sure they like what they see. Manny drags Jay on a visit to a prospective private school, and Mitch and Cam organize a fun "girls day" for Gloria and Lily -- but it becomes a spontaneous "cultural day" instead.

Yes, I promise I'll call you
as soon as I get the results.

Yes, I am aware that hospitals
are a hotbed of infection.

Thank you, Manny.

A couple of weeks ago,
I had a minor heart incident.

I am fine.

But just to be safe,
I'm having an angiogram,

which is when they inject a dye

to make sure
there's no blockage.

It's--it's no big deal.

- We're not worried.
- No.

If something were to happen,
which it's not...

Not gonna.

I would turn our bedroom
into a shrine to Claire.


And this room into a hall of magic.

Luke, please stop
taking appliances apart.

- I'm making something.
- You're unmaking something.

- 'Cause I'm giving my notice today.
- Wait. What?

But wouldn't we rather have toast
that's already buttered?

I love that you're asking
these kind of questions.

If only the springs were stronger,

the toast would be catapulted
into the pool of butter.

Really strong springs,

like the ones in your mattress?

You're unbelievable.

What do you mean you're quitting?

Your manager
just started letting you

open and close the store.

It's boring.

And Jennifer said that I could
get a job at the jewelry store.

Honey, you need to learn
to stick with things.

You just got the big keys.

Where's the coffeepot?

Oh, you mean
the soon-to-be coffee bot?

- Luke!
- I need caffeine today.

You can have juice.

How late were you
at that party last night?

Oh, please.
She snuck in at 10:00

and spent all night reading
under the covers with a flashlight.

Alex, what have I told you

about staying out
past your curfew?

- I need to do it more often.
- Exactly.

You need to learn
to have some fun.

You are going on that
spring break trip with Nicole.

- No! No, I can't.
- Mm-hmm.

I have to study for the P.S.A.T.s.

Luke! Phil, talk to your children.

All right. Everybody listen up.

Haley, you're not quitting.

You're resigning.
It sounds better.

- No. Unh-unh.
- Alex, you have all of spring break

to lock yourself
in your room and study.

No, no, no, no, no.

And, Luke, coffee bot
is a non-starter.

But I do like the idea

of popcorn kernels
in the pancake batter...

so they self-flip.

Stop talking!

Step away from the children.

?Qui?n es el hombre
m?s hermoso de esta casa?

Ay, perd?n, ?qui?n es el otro
hombre m?s hermoso de esta casa?


Huh? I am telling you
how handsome you are.

Oh. Well, next time,
tell me in English

so I don't miss it.

You're forgetting all your Spanish.
You never practice.

Perd?name, mami,
soy embarazada.

You just told me
that you're pregnant.

You're glowing.

Really? That's what you're wearing?

Really? That's how you talk
to your meal ticket?

Besides, those snobs
don't care what I wear,

as long as I bring my checkbook.

Today I have an interview
with the Dryden Academy.

It's only the most prestigious
prep school around.

Their school song has 36 verses,

and I know all of 'em.

Settle in.

And the reason
you're not bringing him?

He says that I make him nervous,

that I care too much.

That's why I'm not even allowed

to bring him
to his haircuts anymore.

I never went to private school.

Hell, I never even finished college,

and look at me.
That Danish I just ate cost 6 bucks.

I didn't even blink.

I've always felt out
of place in public school,

like a lone petunia
in an onion patch.

You felt out of place?

Let me tell you something
about your prep school buddies.

When I was younger, I had a job

checking coats at a country club.

These smug rich kids
used to waltz in there

and throw their coats
at me like I was nothing.

That was before
your high-tech fabrics.

They weighed a ton.

You see that scar?

The one you got in the war?

That's what I tell people.

I caught the scalloped edge

of a Burberry duffel coat toggle.

Still not sure there
isn't a piece in there.

Kids will always want to quit

when things get hard if you let 'em.

This is a girl who
was kicked out of college.

The least she can do
is stick it out at a little--

- Uh, Phil?
- Sorry.

Look, all we can do is give Haley
the time to find out who she is.

Or we could save that time,
and I could tell her who she is.

Let me know how that works out.

Excuse me?

Oh, sorry, but my TV doesn't work,

and you're all I've got.

- I'm Norman.
- Good to meet you, Norman.

What are you in for?

- Triple bypass.
- Awesome.

And it sounded like you were agreeing
with my parenting style,

so, please, continue.

Well, I've raised three kids,

and the main thing I learned is you
have to let them be who they are.

Thank you, Norman.

Just because he's behind a curtain
doesn't make him a wizard.

Dad, I made you this necklace.

It's good for healing.

There's no scientific evidence
to back that up, dad.

- I married a doctor.
- I have three degrees.

Girls, where's your little brother?

He didn't get his arm stuck
in a vending machine again, did he?

Are you getting this?

- Yes.
- They sound just like our kids,

- and they all got together
to visit their dad... - Mmm-hmm.

Who apparently did
a pretty good job raising them.

He sounds like an old hippie.

A wise, insightful, old hippie.

- Mm-hmm.
- A Jeff Bridges hippie.

- Hey, dad.
- There he is!

Look at that sharp suit.

Oh, my God, Luke gets huge.

You've seen this.

I wore it to Angela's wedding.

Oh, yeah.
It's just like the one I had made

for my little Jonathan.

Okay, Mrs. Dunphy.

- Time for your prep.
- Okay.

See what happens when
parents get out of the way?

Weddings, babies, sharp suits.

You might want to wheel her
by the burn unit.

She just got scorched.

Wait. You made a suit for Jonathan?

He's a cat.

He's a hairless stray.
He needs the suit for warmth.

You know, that thing

all of your husbands eventually
stop feeling for you.

I did not come here to be insulted.

I came here for dad.

Dad, I need $500.

How can you need money?
You have four divorce settlements.

Yeah, sorry I'm not
some sad, lonely exorcist.

Archivist. I'm an archivist.

Ugh. This arguing.

I might as well have
just stayed in court.

Please be a lawyer.
Please be a lawyer.

How'd it go?

I got probation plus
time served. Suck it!

Well, maybe now you'll stop

siphoning electricity off the grid
with a meat hook.

Hey, look at me for a second.

When you die alone in your bed,
Jonathan's going to eat you.


Lily! Time for girls' day!

We've always tried
to make sure that

Lily has a feminine
influence in her life.

Because I'm sure
it is so difficult for her

to be around so much
masculine energy all the time.

Yeah, and recently, uh,

she's been asking a lot of questions
about the female body.


Uh, we are not exactly experts,

so we d--just sit on 'em.

We decided to call in the big guns.


Hi, Gloria!

Lily is so excited for girls' day.

Yeah, but don't keep
her all afternoon.

- You know how we miss her.
- Mm-hmm.


When am I going
to get real boobs?

Okay, so we'll see you whenever.

Um, uh, absolutely.
You know, just have a really great time.

Vamos, mami, vamos.

So we'll do a little shopping,

we can have our pretty nails done...

And our pretty hair.

- Do you think that's fun?
- Yeah!

And you know what the best part
of having a girls' day is?

That you can ask me
anything you want.

Did you know I'm gay?

This is lucky.

At 2:00, the school's
award-winning bell players

will be performing a medley
of civil war drinking songs.

What do they call that?
Unhappy hour?

Hmm. Interesting.

This was an all-boys academy
when it was established in 1901.

Thank God they went away
from that tradition, huh?

Yeah. I bet the place
is one giant orgy now.

Jay, please.

Hey, do you want to grab a coat?

Grab your own coat, college boy.

Uh, I meant for you.

They want us all to wear
a school blazer for the tour,

get the whole Dryden experience.

Right. I-I'm sorry, buddy.

Hello, parents, perspective norsemen.

Our tour will begin this direction

with a view of our renowned
equestrian center.

It took me right back
to 40 years ago--

candy-ass preppies
with too many privileges.

You know what I hated
most about those guys?

They all had these little noses.

What is that?

To your left, the world-class
Campbell observatory.

Now, of course, if it's stars of
the Hollywood kind that you like,

our award-winning
theater is just here,

where this June

Ms. Nicole Kidman
will be appearing in "Picnic."

Okay, gun to my head,

maybe I was a tiny bit jealous
of those guys back then,

with their cars and
their fancy hair products--

your brylcreems and your VO5s.

We'll now take a short break,
where you're free to explore

the treasures of
our rare book library.

You know what was
a rare book in my school library?

One that didn't have
genitals drawn all over it.

Who am I kidding?

I wanted what those kids had then,

and 40 years later,
I still wanted it.

Manny, write down what
they said about the library.

They're liable to ask you
about that in the interview.

And get the lead out.
We don't want to miss the bell players.

Excuse me!

But she's so young.

Do you really think
that she already--

I knew when I was 5.

- Everybody knew when you were 5.
- Not true.

Not everyone knew until I threw myself
my second 5th birthday party.

Come on, Lily is not gay.
It's probably just a phase.

Oh, my God. Did I just say that?

Do not tell anyone I just said that.

I got my sweater. Can I go now?

Here. Yeah, sweetie.
Have a seat.

Oh. Imagine if this was a hay bale,

and she was wearing
a prairie skirt.

It would be a total flashback.

Stay with us.

Um, so Gloria was telling us
about something that you said.

- Mm-hmm.
- Something about you being gay?

What about it?

Okay, very aggressive.
Just saying.

Um, w-we're--we're just
wondering, you know,

why did you say that?

Because I'm gay.

But why do you think
you're gay, sweetie?

We're learning about it in school.


My friend Aldo's parents
are Italian, so he's Italian.

And you and daddy are gay,
so I'm gay.

First of all, adorable.

But that's not how it works.

When Aldo's talking about
him being Italian,

he's talking about his heritage.

Yeah, and that's a totally
different thing than being gay.

See, heritage is, uh...

Well, it's something
that you're born with,

and--oh, my God.
What's wrong with me?

And with respect to your heritage,
you're not gay.

You're Vietnamese.

What's that?

Well, Vietnam
is a beautiful country,

and it's near China.

Uh, it--it's known for, uh...

Its--its farms, with all of the, uh...

- Uh, water buffalos.
- Water buffalo.

And... bikes.
Lily, there are bikes everywhere.

- Oh! There are so many bikes.
- So many bikes.

- People are biking around. And, uh...
- Mm-hmm.

And then--and they're wearing hats.

- Hats.
- They have these beautiful sun hats.

That swoop. Yeah. Yeah.

Can I go and play now?

- Please. Go. Yes.
- Yes, gosh. Would ya?

Love for you to.

Is that all you know
about her culture?

No. I mean, w-we're-- we're saving

some of the things until she
gets older to tell her about.

I-I wanna say the windmills
and the tulips?


No wonder she has
so many questions.

She doesn't know who she is.

Well, I guess we
kind of dropped the ball.

Yeah. You know what?
Forget the pretty nails.

We are all going
to a Vietnamese restaurant,

and we are gonna give her
a taste of her culture.

Which one is the best
restaurant around here?

- I wanna say Saigon.
- There's little, um...

You know nothing.

I'll look in the Jelp.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Hey, we should go.
Mom's gonna be here soon.

Why don't you stay and say hello?

She'd love to see you.

Why? So she can tell me
how to live my life?

Yeah, I've got my
probation officer for that.

We'll see her on her birthday.
When's the next important one?

I know it's none
of my business, but...

is it possible that your mom
doesn't want you

to make certain mistakes
'cause she cares?

Oh, my God.
You sound just like her.

Let's roll.

Haley, you are not
quitting your job.

Where is this coming from?

It's coming from the future--
your future--

and it ain't pretty.

I don't understand.
In the future, I'm not pretty?

No, you'll hold up okay.
But this path you're on,

flitting from one thing
to the next,

it ends in a pile of ex-husbands
and nicotine fingers.

- Can I talk now, dad?
- No!


Alex? You don't have to go
on that trip with Nicole.

You can study
as much as you want.

Just know that I love you.


Listen to me, Haley.
You are dangerously close

to getting on a path
you can't get off of.

Dad, stop yelling.

Mom, stop crying.
I know I'm not a big nerd.

Here, mom wants to talk to you.

Dad wants to talk to you.

- Hello?
- Hello?

Alex, book down,

run a brush through your hair.

You're going on that trip
with your friend.


Haley, I love you.

If you don't want
to work in that store,

I'll help you find something
you like better.

Is this reverse psychiatry?

No, honey.
Actually, nothing is.

I just want you to be happy.

Mom, you're freaking me out.

Why is everyone screaming?

- Here!
- Here!

This is Luke.

Why are mom and dad
acting so crazy?

I don't know, but it's creepy.

Something's going on.

Do you think it has to do
with mom's heart thing?

Like it's more serious
than they're saying?

- We have to go to the hospital.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay, everybody, calm down.

Here's what we know.

Mom had to go to the hospital
for a simple procedure.

Then mom and dad
start calling us, acting weird.

Open your eyes, people.

They've been kidnapped.

Well, now that the tour's over,
we can probably take these off.

I don't see the rush.

And you gotta be mentally
sharp for your interview.

How you feeling?

Pretty good.

You know, parents
are allowed to sit in,

but if you don't feel like it...

Are you kidding me?
I wouldn't miss it.

This is where it all starts.

Sure seems like you've
come around on this place, Jay.

How could I not?
This place is unbelievable.

I'm already picturing
those jerks at the club

seeing my son walk in
wearing a Dryden jacket.

Manny Delgado?

I-I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I like books for reading them.

You care to elaborate?


Did you ever see one
of those slow-motion movies

where they destroy an old casino,

and it just implodes?


So who are your favorite authors?

That's a long list.

I'd probably have to start with...

Go ahead. Hard as you can.

- Mmm! So good.
- Mmm! Mmm!

- I want a cheeseburger.
- But this is a special soup called pho.

You told me not to say that word.

It is delicious.
This is the food of your people.

Can I get you anything else?

Actually, um, we're just trying
to teach our daughter

about your country.

And as I'm saying that,
I'm hoping you're from Vietnam.

I was born there.

Uh, so was Lily.

Oh. It's a beautiful country.

Um, my family still lives there.

I hate Vietnam!

Lily, honey, we don't hate.

I hate Vietnam.

Okay, um, we need just a second.

Lily, that was rude.

I wanna go home.

No. It's important
that you celebrate

the culture of your ancestors.

You are Vietnamese.

No, I'm not.
I'm gay! I'm gay!

Honey, no, you're not gay.
You are just confused.

Oh, my God. What is wrong
with me? It's like I...

Oh, please. We have
tons of lesbian friends.

Odd that you would reference
our friends and not us.

- I know. I know.
- Also gay.

- We should just go.
- No, nobody's going anywhere

until she finishes the whole soup!

No, Gloria, it's fine.

- We don't wanna push her.
- No, no, no, it's not fine.

That's the problem
with this country.

Nobody cares where
they come from.

They just want cheeseburgers
and prep school,

and they have forgotten
about Colombia!

Okay, I can't help but feel

that maybe you're bringing something to the table

that's possibly,
uh, not at all about Lily.

I think you're right.

It's just that I feel like
I'm losing my children to America.

They're just going to grow up

and become boring
old white people.

Uh, most of our friends
are white, actually.

Uh... okay, can everybody
just calm down

and go back to
their own conversations?

Just... thank you.

Hey. Hey, what's going on with you?

Manny has forgotten
most of his Spanish,

and Joe--I'm sure he's not
even going to learn it.

I know this is silly,
but I just don't like

feeling like I'm so different
from the rest of my family.

Oh, honey.

- It feels so lonely, yes.
- Oh, wait just a second.

Lily, is that why
you want to be gay,

to be more like your daddies?

Oh, honey.
No, the three of us are a family

even though we come
from different places.

You know,
you were born in Vietnam,

and I grew up in a city,

and even though
he never talks about it,

your daddy grew up on a farm.


The point is, is that we're a family
because we love each other.

- Okay.
- And you know what?

You just caused
a scene in a restaurant...

And you can't get any more
like your daddies than that.

Maybe I'll just take Manny and Joe
to Colombia this summer.

I think that's a great idea.

I really think that keeping
in touch with your heritage

only enriches our culture.

Absolutely. I think
we would all be better off

if people would go back
to where they came from.


- I'll pull the car around.
- Yes.

All I can think about are
the good times I had with mom.

Who's gonna walk me
down the aisle?

Stop spinning out.

There's no point in imagining
some horrible future.


- Hey, buddy.
- Hi.

- You made it.
- Mm-hmm.

You're in heaven.

- That's not funny.
- Okay.

Knock, knock.

Don't bother.
She's not in the mood for jokes.

Your results are great.

Minimal plaque.
Your heart is strong.

Oh. Thank you.
That's such good news.

Well, keep taking your medication,

- you'll outlive all of us.
- Thanks.

Honey, you nailed it.

You weren't worried, were you?


Mm. Me, neither.

I wasn't done with that.

Me, neither.

God, do you soak
your hair in cigarettes?

Do you wash your clothes in tears?

I have to get home.
My roommate needs these shoes.


Luke, don't be so mean.
I can't take it today.

I may be your sort of mom now...

And I'm practically
a child myself.

Okay, let's calm down.

Mom could be fine.

Oh, come on. They wouldn't be
freaking out if they were fine.

Right, 'cause mom and dad
never freak out over nothing.

They don't. They're perfect.

Remember the time
when dad was switching jobs,

and mom threw away
all of our junk food?

That was completely different.

No, no, actually, it's not.

They don't know
how to deal with their stuff,

so they obsess over us.

Maybe that's all this is, right?

I can't believe how relieved I am.

Me, too.
I'm just texting the kids.

It's like at a certain age,
"it's probably nothing"

becomes "it's probably nothing."

Like they add italics at 40.

- Well, the good news is...
- Mmm.

These situations just bring us
closer and closer together.

By the way, you did a great job
of keeping your cool.

Well, I didn't want
to scare the kids.

You did a pretty good job yourself.


I have a secret.

What's that?

We're pretty good
at this parenting thing.

I think we are.

Kiss me.

I'm gonna try.

"Mom OK"?!

You guys are the worst parents ever.

It's the same every time!

One of you guys goes
through something stressful,

and instead of dealing with it,
you freak out on us.

"Quit your job,"
"don't quit your job"?

"Read more,"
"read less"?

Be better at being adults!

Come on, Luke. Let's go!

You're not my mom
anymore, but okay!

Save the judgey looks
for another 15 years.

What the hell happened in there?

I don't know.
I've never choked like that before.

You think it's a definite no?

Well, you pointed
to a picture of the dean's son

and asked when she's due.


Sorry I let you down, Jay.


I saw how much it meant to you.

It's like I was
on the football field.

You were up in the stands,
all proud of me, rooting me on.

I'm not used to that.
I just whiffed.

That's not even the right sport.

Why am I trying to blame you?

Probably 'cause you should be.
Sit down.

I think I put some
stuff on you that...

Is about some guys 40 years ago

with tiny noses and perfect hair.

You're losing me.

There's only thing
I want you to understand.

If today was the first time

you've felt that
I was proud of you,

then I should be apologizing,

'cause I'm proud
of you every day.

Thanks, Jay.

Let's go.

Did I really bet him

I could fit his whole
cell phone in my mouth?

Forget about that guy.
You're never gonna see him again.

I'm not sure about that.

Wait here.

- Kernels in?
- Check.

- On the right side only?
- Check.

You know this is the last
of our batter, right?

Our backs are against the wall.

Last chance at mastering
the self-flipping pancake.

You mean "popcake."

I was thinking "flipjack."

Oh, of course!

It's okay.


This is the one. I feel it.

If this works,
centuries from now,

someone's gonna dig
one of these things up

and wonder what the heck it is.

5... 4...

3... 2...


Flip, damn you!

- It's over.
- No, it's not!
- It's over!

It's all right.

We left it all out there
on the griddle.

We live to fight another day.

Yeah. I guess.

I can't believe
we wasted all that batter.

Ah, I guess you can't make an omelet

without breaking a few eggs.
Am I right?

Or can we?

To the grocery store!