Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 14 - A Slight at the Opera - full transcript

Cam is left without a lead on the first school performance of "Phantom of the Opera," Phil and Mitchell play golf with Jay, and Haley and her boyfriend help Claire take care of the baby.


Okay. Hold still, honey.

I'm afraid you're going
to hit me again.

Don't worry.
I'm just putting this time.

I'm not the strongest golfer, and I
think it's holding me back in business.

Too bad deals aren't closed
in a trampoline park.

I'd just lazy back into a rudolph, into a
quadriffus, right up the corporate ladder.

Hey, Dad. You coming
to my play tonight?

Your play?
You only painted the sets.

Yeah? And Michelangelo only
painted the Sixteenth Chapel.

Maybe don't keep your face
so close to the paint cans.

Sorry, buddy. I'm getting a golf lesson,
then I'm playing with a client.

But I'll try to make your next performance.

Phil!

- Little busy.
- Oh, you always do this.

You cram stuff in the freezer
without thinking about it.

I opened the door, and a frozen turkey
almost fell on my foot.

Keep pulling it to the left.
Are we sure the house is level?

Are you not the least bit sorry?
I could have broken a toe.

Honey, I'm sorry for dozens of things
every day that actually happen.

If I start apologizing
for things that don't happen,

how productive of a person
would I be?

Hey, your golf pro's here!

Hola, hola.
Hello, everybody.

Hey. Thanks so much
for the quick lesson, Jay.

Just think of me as a blob of clay
waiting for your experienced hands...

to caress and coax me-

First rule of golf:
Shh!

Okay.

If you're going to be
a grump all day,

why did you even say that
you were going to teach him?

Because he's how
my grandkids get food.

There he is!

Ay, thank you so much
for taking care of the baby.

Cam has me running
all kinds of errands for the play.

Yeah, well, you gotta keep
your eye on the caller I.D.

I have to go to the dry cleaners
to pick up the costumes,

then I have to go get
the dry ice for the fog machine.

And maybe
I'll go get Cam some flowers.

- Oh, Alex can help you with all that.
- Oh, perfect.

Okay, let's go. We can't be late, or
there won't be any dry ice in the house.

Good one. What?

You guys have fun. Go on. Nothing to worry about.
I got it handled here.

Be careful. Don't worry.
Just keep your mouth open.

We're fine. It's fine.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey♪ ♪

Okay. Can I have
everyone's attention, please?

Reuben, hit me with a spot.

That's a little harsh.
Throw a pink gel on that.

That's great. Perfect.
All right.

I will be recording
today's rehearsal,

but don't let that make you
self-conscious.

I'm only using it
to pinpoint your mistakes.

Secondly, I have granted
full set access...

to Maureen Schick,
who will be reviewing our show tonight.

Uh-oh. She's vicious.

Our last music teacher,
Mr. Namagachi,

never recovered from
her article, "Anything Blows."

But in fairness,
I saw that production,

and the lead soprano
was an absolute disaster.

No offense, Sophie. You've blossomed
since then, sweetie. Okay?

But no batteries
in her mike, okay? Great.

And lastly, Marcus Talbot-

Guys, he's feeling a little
under the weather.

Fear not. He's home,
resting his instrument,

and he will be ready for
the show tonight.

But I will need a Phantom
for this rehearsal, so anyone-

I guess I could help.

I don't know how Marcus
ever got the lead.

But I know how he got sick-
from chewing all that scenery.

This was my chance to earn it back
from that insincere phony.

But first, a silent prayer
for our fallen captain, Marcus.

Godspeed, old friend.

This is boring.
Is he dead?

No, he's not dead.
He's just sleeping.

Babies need to sleep a lot so
they grow bigger and stronger and smarter.

Hey, Mrs. D. Hey, Lucy.

Every time.
Mmm.

- Well, that's a nice shirt.
- Thanks. I designed it myself. It's my best seller.

I'm so jealous you know what
you want to do with your life.

I wish I was inspired like you.

Or, you know, aim higher.

Open yourself up to some new
experiences and find out what-

Are you okay?

Fine. Just slipped on one of
your father's stupid golf balls.

Good. You woke him up.

Maybe he's hungry.
I just fed him,

but I don't think bottles
can live up to the real thing.

Maybe I can calm him down.

Oh, that's very sweet of you,
but he's super fussy today,

and when babies are fussy,
they're-th-

Wow.

Yeah, I'm good with babies.

You should see him play peekaboo.
He's amazing.

No, I'm good.

I know a guy in Chicago.
He's amazing.

Dang it!
Are you kiddin' me?

That divot flew out of there
like a rocket.

I decided to
go gentle with Phil,

which didn't come easy in me because I've
always been a bit of a drill sergeant...

when it comes to sports.

With the new baby, Gloria's been
bugging me to have more patience.

But come on.
He's been alive a month.

How hard is it
to support your own head?

What the hell?

- Hello, boys.
- What a sweet ride, Pepper.

What are you guys doing here?

I've been golfing
for a few weeks.

Pepper's been teaching me.

I grew up golfing with my father,
the great Chaim Saltzman.

Or as he was known around the
clubhouse, Chad Treadwell.

Well, we should play together
as a foursome.

- First time that word's creeped me out, but okay.
- Care to make it interesting?

Think your pants have already done that.
How 'bout a hundred bucks?

- Me and Phil will play you and Mitch.
- Fun!

Mitchell? Care to go first?
Oh, I do-

Oka-Yeah, I'll-
I'll give it a whirl.

Running into my dad
was no accident.

I wasn't the best athlete
growing up,

and my dad never missed
an opportunity to point that out.

"Nice throw, Nancy."

Nancy was our neighbor. I could
never throw as well as she could.

I'd pretty much given up
on beating my dad at anything...

until Pepper dragged me
to a golf course one day.

Turns out I wasn't half bad.

Six months' practice later, I
was ready to kick my dad's ass.

I knew just how
I was gonna do it too.

I'd walk up to the tee,
all nervous,

do a few clumsy practice swings,

and then I'd hit that ball
dead center,

watch it arc through the sky,
land on the green...

and totally wow my dad.

No. No.

Wow.

It's over now.
The music of the

Night

Okay. Great job, everyone.

Thank you, but it was really everyone.
Give yourself a round.

Oh, Marcus's mom. Shh.

Fingers crossed.

Why is it taking you so long?
How hard is it to paint a wall?

A lot harder than
your so-called singing.

At least this is
supposed to be flat.

I once saw a monkey
paint a wall.

Yeah? Did you say,
"Good job, Mom"?

Mono? But he's my lead.

My career depends upon this. The district
is this close to cutting my funding.

And my fingers are very close together
right now. Just let me talk to Marcus.

Nighttime sharpens

He would never turn his back
on this company.

We are like family here.

Stirs imagination

I'm sorry.
We're going another way.

Silently the senses

Abandon their defenses

Any news about Marcus?
Why are you whispering?

Saving my voice, just in case.

Oh. Well, Marcus is out. But luckily, I
found an even better Phantom right here.

I wouldn't say "better,"
but since you did-

Luke. I was just about to ask him.
Luke?

He knows the show.
He sings like a nightingale.

And he has a certain theatrical
madness in his eyes you cannot teach.

That's just from all the paint.
Uh, Luke!

Stop it! Are you trying to spook him?
What are you talking about?

He's already intimidated by you
after you criticized his sets.

Oh, please. I could not be the only person
that found his unicorns distracting.

Let me talk to him first.

If I can't get the job done,
then you step in.

Kind of like the way an understudy
would traditionally take over...

when the lead finds himself-

Yeah. Just do it.

Hey there, Luke.
Or should I say "Phantom"?

You want to get to the point?

'Cause I'm kind of on a schedule,
and this paint keeps making me fall down.

Marcus is out, and Cam
wants you to take over.

Really? Well, I do know
all the songs.

Stop trying to talk yourself out of it. You're doing it.
It's only for two nights.

You're doing it again-
looking at the negatives.

Look at the bright side.

What if you don't screw up, humiliate
yourself and get mocked forever?

I'd get mocked?
Only by the cool kids.

But who needs them?
You're one of us now-

the theater geeks.

Vermont is snowy
Las Vegas is showy

And those are the
capitals I remember

What if this had been
at the top of the stairs?

I mean, I really could have
gotten hurt, right?

Uh-huh.
Lily, I made you lunch.

Peanut butter.
My favorite!

It's just hard to believe that
somebody could be so oblivious...

to a situation
that is clearly dangerous.

Look at us. We're like a little family.
I know.

We're the parents.
I know!

I know what
his response would be:

"But you're fine. Why are you
getting all bent out of shape?"

But what if I wasn't fine?

What if he walked through the door and he
thought he had created a horrible accident?

This is so fun.

Good. She's gone.
Grab your camera.

I'm gonna make his little
hand flip us off again.

No, it's not just me.
Three mothers are giving the party,

and we need all our names
in the card-

Gloria Pritchett,
Sara Leoner, Dee Chaw.

What do you mean that there's no more room?
Dee Chaw must go on.

Okay. Come on. That one
had to be on purpose.

Okay.
We'll be there then.

They won't be ready
until one more hour.

You maybe want to take a
shift carrying this dry ice?

No, I just had a baby.

I've watched you
carry Manny to bed.

I know what we can do
to kill time.

My psychic
is around the corner.

Please tell me
you just said "sidekick."

I used to think that
I knew everything too.

We'll go in for a reading. I'll
let her know that we're coming.

Um-You have got
to be kidding me.

I'm trying to remember
the telephone number.

What is happening to me?

All right. What are we,
three strokes down now?

I think someone needs
a Pepper talk.

Ah! Ow!

How was that a Pepper talk? You
need to get angry, play aggressive.

That man's been Mitch-slapping
you your entire life.

I know, but he-
he's being so nice to Phil.

And Phil is way worse
than I ever was.

I don't know. Maybe he's not the
unsympathetic jerk he used to be.

Okay. So you got off to a rough start.
Let's simplify.

On this shot, I want you to just
concentrate on bending your knees.

You got it?
Bend my knees.

Bend my-Dang it!

Straighten my knees. Son of a bitch.
You're a hopeless embarrassment.

You're kickin' up more sand
than a sea turtle layin' eggs.

- Did you see that?
- Yeah, that wasn't half bad.

Hey, listen.
I'm sorry I yelled.

No. That's what I needed. My tumbling master
in college used to yell at me all the time.

It just made me better.
Really?

Oh, yeah. He'd say terrible
things about my manhood.

He'd throw the chalk bag at me. He'd call me
and taunt me over the summer to keep me sharp.

So bring it, Jay.
You stink, Phil.

You're the worst thing to happen to
golf since they let people wear shorts.

- You just told me-
- No, no. This is part of it.

Did you hear that? And he
wasn't just talking to Phil.

He was talking to 10-year-old
you and 12-year-old you.

Suck it, Nancy!

I was just trying to help.

Just listen with an open mind.

- She doesn't believe in psychics.
- It's not just psychics.

It's all unquantifiable
phenomena.

I'm going to
save you some time.

She doesn't
have a boyfriend.

Maybe not now, but soon.

You see? That means-
Shh. Go on.

You are going to meet
someone special.

I see a handsome man
on a horse-like a knight.

Well, I am going to a
Renaissance fair this weekend.

Yes, I know.

There's no Renaissance fair.

Even if there was,
I wouldn't go.

I'd be the laughingstock
of the Young Astronomers Club.

But I couldn't tell Gloria
her fortune-teller was a fake.

Not until I had a little more fun.

I see that you're smiling.
You're enjoying yourself.

I know it sounds crazy, but could
you please tell me what happened...

to my bunny Buttons, who
ran away when I was five?

Never had a bunny.
Hate bunnies.

I see a farm with a red barn.

I know who's in the barn!

It's like Scrabble with Haley.

After a while, you're just
playing against yourself.

Okay, everyone. Look sharp, please.
The press is here.

As I was saying, Maureen,
I was really at an advantage.

Having seen the Broadway production,
I was able to learn from their mistakes.

For example, in my production,
the Phantom appears in the first scene...

because, after all, it's not called
Christine and Raoul of the Opera.

I have two sources telling me your
lead is home with chicken pox.

Uh, mono.
Make that three sources.

Damn, you're good. Um, permission to speak...
off the record.

Denied.
Okay, fine.

Well, then see for yourself
in just a moment.

Tonight, a star will be born.

Cam? Not now, Manny. I'm
birthing something.

Sometimes in the theater, the real drama
happens before the curtain rises.

Observe.

Luke Dunphy,

how would you like
to play the starring role...

in Cameron Tucker's Andrew Lloyd
Webber's Phantom of the Opera?

Nope.
Hmm?

Luke Dunphy, is it true you passed
because of creative differences...

with an overbearing director?

Say nothing to that jackal!

Manny, what happened?
I tried my best.

He started hyperventilating
just thinking about it.

I guess some people are just
uncomfortable taking center stage.

Okay. Well, maybe we can pump Marcus full
of whatever they gave those bike riders.

He's too sick. But don't worry, Cam.
You'll think of something.

It's always darkest
right before the-

Reuben, could you
keep that thing still?

Okay. Well, I guess
we only have one option.

I'll do it.
Hmm?

I was gonna say,
"Play the role myself,"

but, you know, I guess it really
should be about the kids.

Now, if I had tripped
on your father's golf ball,

say, top of the stairs,
probably would have-

Oh, no! Taken out
some pictures.

- Look what you've done, Phil!
- Mom!

It's okay.
It's finally sleeping.

Hey, we should take
a picture of all of us.

Once you get going, you know,
you just can't stop.

You're taking everything
down with you.

Oh!

And then, to make it perfectly clear
to your father what happened,

I put the golf ball right here, because
some people can't see the danger...

unless it's right
under their nose.

Having kids is fun.

And easy.

Maybe this is what
I should do with my life.

Oh!

Oh, he's such a little angel.
I want one.

Shh, Haley.
Little dude needs his sleep.

I wanted to tell Haley about the dangers
of starting a family too early,

but what could I say
that couldn't be said better...

by a screaming baby?

Mom!
Oh, sorry.

I don't know what's wrong with me today.

Mom!
Still good.

Sorry. Would
you just get out of here?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.
Totally. Sorry.

Sorry.

When he wakes up, we should
all go out for ice cream.

I was thinking the same thing.

What are you doing?
Minding my own business.

Wait. Ice cream might
ruin Lily's dinner.

So?

So I spent
all afternoon cooking.

I thought ice cream
would be fun.

All you've done today is have fun
while I did all the work.

I'm just trying to make
the most of it with these kids.

I don't have as much time with them as you do.
What, by spoiling them?

Who's that?
Who's texting you?

It's just about work.
Typical.

Even when you're here,
you're not here.

Why are you this upset
about ice cream?

If that's what you think this is about,
then you haven't heard a word I've said.

I-I'm confused.
Why do we even have these kids?

I don't know!

I'm going home!
Good!

Oh. Fantastic.

One stroke down
on the final hole.

It's such a big putt-
such a big, big putt.

I like big putts,
and I cannot lie.

Money.

You know what would be sad?

You doing
all that practicing...

to finally be able to beat your
old man and comin' up just short.

I almost... can't watch.

You're up, ace.

Oh. I was the same way
with my father.

It's always complicated. Not for mine.
My dad was just supportive.

Never missed a tumbling meet
or a break-dance brawl.

Heck, I'd set up the sound
system for our school assembly,

he'd be the loudest voice
in the crowd.

"Hey, everybody!
Check out my son's equipment!"

Aw.
Yeah.

Hey, seriously, good luck.

- You played good. I'm proud of you.
- Really?

We should
do this again sometime.

Don't listen to him.
He's "Cat's in the Cradle" -ing you.

- What?
- He's playing on your emotion so you lose your edge.

- I do it to my son all the time.
- Did he say "son"?

Yes. He's a Navy SEAL.

I've said too much.
What's "Cat's in the Cradle"?

You know, that song about the dad who misses
all the important moments in his kid's life.

Stay strong,
just like Kyle did in Yemen.

Oh, my God.
I'm a sieve.

All right, Mitch.
It's showtime.

Five, six,
a-five, six, seven, eight.

Ha! Yes!

A hundred bucks!
We did it!

Now I can afford the shirt
that matches these pants.

So, drinks in the clubhouse?

Can't. My kid's in a play. Yeah, I'm meeting
a client for another round of golf.

Hey, if you see Luke, will
you give him a hug for me?

Will do. Hey, I was serious about
we should play again sometime.

It's a crazy thing, but if I had been
less of a hardhead when you were a kid,

we could have had 20 years
in this dumb game.

Nah, it was half my fault.
I mean, I used to be pretty sensitive.

So, you really weren't
"Cat's in the Cradle" -ing me back there?

Of course not.

How have I not heard of this
song you keep talking about?

- You have. It's the worst.
- It's the schmaltziest.

Unbearable. I'll play it on the way back.
I have it on my iPod phone.

♪ And the cat's in the
cradle and the silver spoon ♪

♪ Little boy blue
and the man in the moon ♪

♪ "When you comin' home, Dad?"
"I don't know when ♪

♪ But we'll get together then ♪

♪ You know we 'll have
a good time then" ♪

I should have golfed with you sooner, Dad.
I never made the time.

Luke!

I need to call my son.

What time is it in Damascus?

Why don't I
just draw them a map?

Ready to play, Phil? I can't, Carl!
My boy's sets are in a play!

I get the feeling that something wonderful
has happened to someone you know.

Yes, it's Manny. He got the
lead role in the school play.

Yes, that's it.

Okay. I think you might have
met her halfway on that one.

Do you feel that?

A presence has just
entered the room.

Or the AC kicked in.
Gloria, I have to say something.

It's your abuela.
Which one?

Is she smoking a pipe
or is she smoking a cigar?

- A cigar.
- My mother's mother.

I miss her so much.

She says she misses you too.

I wish that she was here now
to see Fulgencio Joe.

She has seen him,
and she says, "He's beautiful."

He is, isn't he?

Ay. Tell her
that I love her.

She knows.

Thank you so much for that.

You see now?

I think I do.

The music
of the night

Okay, Manny, quick question. Did you forget the
notes I gave you or choose to ignore them?

- Where you going with that?
- We need an extra one in front. Mr. Namagachi decided to come.

You mean the disgraced teacher I replaced
suddenly has an interest in this production?

He's parking his Peugeot right now.

Wow. The vultures
are officially circling.

Okay, Manny, it's no secret that you
were not my first choice for this-

or my second-

but it's not too late for you to
make this your very own Phantom.

So I want you to watch what Luke did
and copy that.

♪ Silently the senses ♪

♪ Abandon their defenses ♪

He was glorious. Every note, every nuance.
I was transported.

And I was furious.
But my quarrel wasn't with Luke.

It was with God.

Save a seat for your sister.

Excuse me.
I think that's my seat.

Dad! What are you
doing here?

You kidding me? My grandson
paints the sets for a play,

and I'm not gonna drive in
from Florida, huh?

Is this one taken?

All yours. Hi.

That sweatshirt-
I'm on the tennis team.

We're the
Valley Science Knights.

The Knights?

Nighttime sharpens

Heightens each sensation

What? Darkness stirs

It's Luke!
No.

And wakes imagination

Silently the senses

Abandon their defenses

That could have been you out there.
It wouldn't have been right.

I'm sure you would have
gotten some of it right.

Not what I meant.

By right

Hey, thanks for
meeting me here.

No reason we can't mix business
with a little pleasure, am I right?

I'm just excited to find someone
who enjoys this sport as much as I do.

Well-
I'm gonna be straight with you, Carl.

You got a ton of inventory to move,
and you're in need of a serious Realtor.

Up, up!

So how firm are you
on your commission?

As I think you can see,
I'm quite flexible.

I'll be honest, Phil. I like you.

- I think I'm ready to move forward with this.
- Really?

Well, I'm thrilled!

Hey, you know, we could
make this official.

Nice form, Son. I'm talking about
that contract, of course.

You still got it, Dad.

That's my dad.
Hi.