Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Fulgencio - full transcript

Jay fights with his mother in law over naming the baby, Phil unsuccessfully tries to solve his kids' problems, and Mitchell and Cameron try to curb Lily's snarkiness.

As great as it is bringing
a baby home from the hospital,

there's one sound you absolutely
dread waking up to.

¿ Te acuerdas, Sonia?


Te ves-Te ves divina en esta foto.

I really never saw
these wedding pictures, Mamá.

How handsome and young
Papá looks.

Ay, it makes me sad.

Ay, I know that you miss him.

No. Look at my ass.

There are two things in that
picture I don't have anymore.

Ay, Mamá, qué loca.
Sonia, can I help you?

No, no, she's fine.
It keeps her busy.

We need more corn. Gloria, where's your garden?
I will harvest some.

They don't live that way, honey. Gloria,
give me the keys. We'll go to the market.

Hey, you're all awake.
I didn't hear you.

Oh, look at
my two handsome men.

Miniño, my little
Fulgencio Umberto.

You know, about the name,
we're not entirely sure-

Sonia, vámonos.
Good-bye, Fulgencio.

Say good-bye to Fulgencio.

- Bye-bye, Fulgencio.
- His name is Joe.

You tell her
that we're not naming him...

after her dead husband
or his father before him.

His name was-
Please don't say it again.

Jay, I cannot go
against my mother's will.

But she likes you.
Maybe if you convince her-

"Fuljencio" Umberto-
The initials are F.U. Pritchett.

Which is exactly
the way it feels right now.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey♪ ♪

Is there some kind
of dress code for godparents?

You're not wearing a fedora, Phil.
Can you pick up the dry cleaning?

sounds like an offer I can't refuse.

Yeah, we're not doing that.

So I got delayed picking up
Lily from dance class.

Now Gloria's got me running around doing
a thousand things for the christening.

Son of a bitch.

It's not that bad, really.
I'm just-I'm venting.

I couldn't believe it.

Somebody's balloons
were blocking my billboard.

Philboard. My Philboard.

Can we wear the same outfits
at Crispin's party...

that we're wearing
to the baptism?

Oh, you know what? I don't know.

Because you wanna be subdued
at church...

and then fabulous at night.

You know who would
make a fortune?

The designer who comes up with
the little black dress for men.

I'm bored.

I know, sweetie,
but daddies are talking...

about what we're
gonna wear tonight,

and that's
a difficult conversation.

Cry me a river. Lily.

I-I'm not loving this attitude.
You seem a little mean.

Sorry. Should I call you
a wahmbulance?

Oh, my gosh. She has been
so snarky lately.

I know. I've actually
been getting nervous...

when we're making her
late for something.

Because of what she said
the other day?

"Today, ladies."

You know,
she hears us doing it.

So we-we should try
and be less negative.

Model some better behavior.

Well, you know, if it's
a model she needs,

she's come to the right place.
Oh, boy.


I wish Lily was in here, so she
could hear me not comment on that.


I get it.
You're modeling.

Hey, it's Phil Dunphy again.

I-I got cut off
by your machine.

I'm, uh, not sure
where I left off there,

but I'll attempt to be brief,

as I do appreciate
when people do the same for me.

Anyhoo, uh, your balloons
are co-

Damn it!

Is anyone home? Mom!

- I need her first. Mom!
- She's out.

Why is she always gone
when we need an adult?

I can help.

What's with the cage?
Science project.

Mom, where are you?

- It's just the three of us.
- Four.

- I need her.
- Rats!

I know, right?

Guys, I'm right here.
What do you need?

It's okay. We're good.
Never mind.

No. No, no, no, no.

Family meeting. Everybody
grab some 'za.

We're gonna talk about this.

Listen, I know you guys
like to go to Mom...

because she's Mr. Tough
Guy problem solver.

She gets results.

Yeah, she does.
She does. You're right.

Like the last time we got pizza
from our favorite place here.

Remember that?
We got shortchanged,

she cursed a blue streak
and got our money back.

How's that pizza, by the way?

Pretty good.
It's okay.

Liars! It's garbage.

That's not Scardino's.
It's Scandoni's.

You know why? 'Cause
your mom's little blow-up...

got us banned from Scardino's
for life.

So maybe your mom's way
isn't always the best way.

Now why don't you guys
tell me what's going on?

I'm having a '60s-themed
birthday party next week.

Hippies, bell-bottoms,

Karen Sullivan heard about it, and
decided to have the same party-tonight.

Not groovy.

I accidentally
called my teacher "Mommy."

My "friend" Reuben went around
and told everyone.

Oh, hey, Reuben, do you remember
that class field trip to the zoo...

when the zebra rushed the fence
and you peed your pants?

I didn't tell anyone,
not even on the bus ride home...

when he had to
sit next to Mom-

Miss Bockman! Damn it!

Our neighbor's out of town,

and she's paying me to move her
car on street cleaning days.

Now I would just
park it in her driveway,

but she already has a camper
and a cord of wood there.

Pretty sure she's a lesbian.

Anyway, easy money, right?

Oh, my God.
I can't see anything!

Hard starboard!
What does that even mean?

How much longer
do I have to block people?

I'm late for the airport.

Dylan, you are being
no help right now!

Sorry, but I'm already
in trouble with dispatch...

for drinking
all those little waters.

Drive! Do it now!

How do I tell her I snapped a
branch on her beloved lemon tree?

I mean, she boils the leaves to add
a scent to her own work boot oil.

Did I mention she plays
in two softball leagues?

What are you guys gonna do? You
gonna have your mom go around...

and yell at all these people
and burn a bunch of bridges,

or are you gonna talk
to your Reubens,

your Karens, your lemon lady?

Tell 'em how you feel,
appeal to their human side.

The choice
is pretty simple, huh?

So she's out all day?

I'll try her cell. It's off. I
texted her while Dad was talking.

Pilar, I brought you a coffee.

I put a little
something extra in it.

Jay, you devil.

Hey, by the way, look-

It's beautiful, no?

It's the dressing gown
for Fulgencio's christening.

All the man
in our family wear this.

What's one more son in a dress?

Oh, tradition.
It's so important.

I have a gift in here
for little Fulgencio...

that has been in my family
for three generations.

You know, about
this naming thing-

In America, it's not real common
to hear the name "Fuljencio."

It's "Ful-hen-cio."

- Hen?
- Hen.

I don't need to practice it,
'cause I can't name my son that.

I'm just being honest with you.

No. No, no, no, no,
that's good.

That's good. I should be more
honest with you sometimes.

Well, we know each other
a few years.

I don't like you, Jay.

Nah. We can act like everything
is fine for the family,

but, you know,
I have never liked you.

The way you take whatever
looks good to you, you know-

like my daughter or the
last piece of meat.


You're always too busy
to pick me up at the airport.

You send a total stranger
with a cardboard sign.

Hey, Grandma.

Hey, buddy.
Get over here.

I sure do love the
cross you got me.

But do I have to wear it today?

It's kinda hard
to close my shirt over it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You do
whatever you want, padrecito.

I know that's the way
in this house.

But if you wear it,
ooh, you'll make me proud.

It's been in my family
for five generations.

I'll walk you out, buddy.

Is anything in her family new?

Just you.

Okay. Excuse me. Sorry.

All right. Here we've got
the deli platter,

and there's more in my car.

But those are not
from Rumpernook's.

No, because
the cheese at Rump-

I don't go there anymore.

I'm going to do the laundry.

Okay, Sonia.
I love you so much.

- Wow. Pretty cozy with the new housekeeper, huh?
- She's my sister.

Wow. Pretty weird
with your sister.

She likes to keep busy.
But I feel bad for her.

I have so much,
and she has nothing.

Okay. Well, people
make their own choices.

- It's not like you're responsible.
- No, no.

Maybe just a little bit.

I was older, and I had
opportunities to travel,

and I took them.

- Well, it didn't prevent her from going anywhere.
- No, no.

Maybe just one time.

There was a letter that arrived from
America about a job opportunity.

And it was only for one person,

and I went.

But it's not like the envelope
was addressed to her,

and you opened it and-

You're evil.

I had to get out
of there, Claire.

You just strapped on those high heels and
walked right over her back, didn't you?

Maybe a little bit.

Where is the river?

- Hey, boys!
- Crispin.

Shouldn't you be preparing for
your annual party of the century?

It's done, and it's perfect. In my
mind, I'm already into next year's.

I'm here with Brett. I don't know
if you've seen his new look,

but you are going to have
a heart attack and die.

No one's dying.
It's just an expression.

Hey, handsome.

Yep, I did it. Pulled the
trigger and got a perm.

You sure did.

Did it myself,
right in the kitchen.

You don't need to spend a
million to look like a million.

Uh, you know, my coffee's
probably ready, so-


Okay, that's like
a Chia Pet, right?

Maybe a drag production
of Annie?

Oh, actually, Lily, I think
Uncle Crispin's forgetting...

that Brett has feelings and we
need to try and not hurt them, so-

Yes, and maybe we
should remind Uncle Crispin...

that when you say nice things to
people, they say nice things back.

Well, consider me reminded.

Gotta run. Yeah, we'll
see you tonight. Bye.

Can't wait. Can't wait.

He's funny. Yes, he is, but
he can also be biting.

He bites people?
Well, with his words,

not with his teeth
like Xander from art class.

We need to
confirm he got his shot.

Yeah. Oh, my God.
Okay, Crispin-

"Too many R.S.V.P.'s.
Have to make cuts to party.

Maybe next time."
Sad face.


Because we refuse to abuse, we get
banned from the party of the century?

Does somebody need
a wahmbulance?

No. I do not need
a wahmbulance.

Hey, kids.
How was your day?

I knew the answer
to that question.

I'd had kind of a busy day going
around solving everyone's problems.

I started by going to see
my buddy Stavros the florist.

- Stavros, I assume?
- Yes.

I just wanted to
welcome you to the neighborhood.

Well, thank you. Yeah, I brought
you some sandwiches, by the way.

How good is lamb, huh?


Oh! Gotcha.


Get back in-

I'm so sorry. Is there
anything I can do for you?

Oh, no. No, I-


That's when I realized
my kids didn't understand...

the concept of killing with kindness
because they'd never seen it.

So, I decided
I'd prove it to them...

by going on
a hugicidal rampage.

Is that Reuben
rockin' the Potter specs?


Hey, listen, buddy, I heard about
Luke calling his teacher "Mommy."

Epic fail, by the way.

But, you know, since
you're one of the cool kids,

maybe you could get the other
ones to ease off a little?

Cool. Air bump.

Hi, Lee. It's Phil Dunphy from
down the street. We haven't met.

I was actually calling to leave
a message for your wife...

just to say thanks
for hiring my daughter Haley.

Listen, we'd love to have you and the
missus over for a glass of wine,

or, uh, maybe you and I
could go out for a boys' night.

But anyway, if you could-

Damn it!
Oh. Oh.

Hey, Karen Sullivan.
Alex's dad.

Well, look whose teeth
got so nice and straight.

Who wants to go first?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
One at a time!

You called Miss Cooper a man!

No, I didn't. I got her husband,
Lee, on the machine.

There is no husband!
She's Lee!

Weirdly deep-voiced,
alcoholic, gay Lee Cooper...

who you invited out
for a glass of wine!

Thanks to your little
charm offensive with Karen,

one thing did change about
her party-I'm not invited!

"Epic fail"?

Now the whole school is just
laughing at both of us.

Stavros, hey!

Why not?


Change of plans.
This isn't over.

I want you to wear
something beautiful tonight.

So please, choose.

What is this room?
This is the closet.

So all the people of the town, they
leave their nice clothes with you?

These are all my clothes.

But... I do miss
the simple things at home.

So tell me, how-how are
things in the village?

- We had a flood.
- Ay, but it-it wasn't a bad one, right?

- We had a boat.
- Ay, that's great.

We had a boat.

Are you dating anyone?

You remember Antonio Marquez?

Yes, of course.

The most handsome boy in the
school with those beautiful eyes.

His father
with the wooden leg-

He lost it in the flood.

So is it serious?

Don't look at that.
I won't. Trust me.

Please. It's pathetic.

Crispin getting all our friends to text
us the details of his great party.

Such torture, huh?

Oh, catering
by Amelia's. Ow!

Topless valet parkers.


No, Sting is at the party.
Mitchell, I wanna be there.

Cam. No, come on. Who are we kidding?
You do too.

Today, ladies!
Okay, right there. That.

That is why we are making this
sacrifice-for our daughter.

No, yeah, you're right. I mean, I'm the
last one who should be complaining...

when, let's face it,
Lily's snarkiness is my doing.

Well, what's done is done.

Let's just
get ready for church.

Yeah, I mean, it's just hard to not feel
guilty, you know, when it's mostly my fault.

I get it. Just don't
beat yourself up.

Hey. Pocket square,
no pocket square?

Really? You're taking zero
of the responsibility, or-

Oh. Were you trying to get
me to take the blame?

Yeah. Maybe just
a little. Uh-huh.

Oh, and deny you
the chance to play the martyr?

Look, Cam, if you're looking
for me to be the bad guy,

you're snarking up
the wrong tree, okay?

You are the one who can't let a single
situation pass without making a comment.

Oh, well, maybe
I'll just start today.

I think it'll make you feel better.
I think I already do.

Right to my face, "I don't like
you." Nobody doesn't like me.

I'm Jay. I'm-I'm salt of the earth.

Why are you inhaling my baby?

Oh, they only smell perfect
like this for a little while.

Yeah. That's the stuff.

From day one, I've treated
this woman like a queen.

I've flown her back and forth.

I've-I've tasted
her native food.

You know what chin tastes like?
'Cause I do.

And now to find out-

What? I'm listening.

You're rubbing yourself
with a baby.

I have seen you
French kiss your dog.

She was taking a treat out of my mouth.
That's a trick.

I am sure you know what I find
funny about this situation.

- What?
- You have an in-law who, no matter what you do,

no matter how hard you try,
you can't win over.

What about it?

Wait. That doesn't sound familiar?

- You're not saying-
- Mm-hmm. Yeah, I am.

Son of a bitch.
I'm Phil.

Hey, Pilar, it's awfully cold. Here.
Why don't you take my jacket?

Sure, yeah.
Make me the rude one.

Look, I'm sorry that I pointed out that
we're both to blame here, all right?

But let's not turn this lovely
event into a competition.

Here you go, sweetie. Oh, you know what? You're right.
I shouldn't be picking at you.

But don't forget
to light your candle.

I think everyone in
the immediate family's doing it.

Oh, yeah? Okay.
Good-Good idea.

The hell is that? Some
kind of a gay protest thing?

It's a candle, Dad.
What are you talking about?

- Your purple panty tail.
- Oh, no. Oh, come on.

We're in a church, Mitchell,
not some disco.

You did that on purpose!

Oh, this stained glass
is beautiful.

Listen, before we dunk the kid, you
mind if I make a few casual remarks?

I think you already did.

Claire asked me a good question.
How did Phil win me over?

Well, he hasn't yet.

But when he stops
trying so hard...

and he acts like a real person,
he comes close.

And that's what I needed
to do with Pilar.

I'd like to tell you the story of how
I came to meet my incredible wife,

because up until the birth of this child,
it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Mmm, well,
that feels good, huh?

So it's morning.
My car's getting waxed.

I hop in the diner.
I hear this adorable accent.

I turn. I see this pretty girl talking to her friend.
I send over a piece of pie.

- All class.
- Mm-hmm.

Couple of minutes later, who comes
over to thank me but Gloria,

the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen.


She sits down,
we start talking,

and we haven't stopped
talking since.

Aw. But
here's the crazy part.

I didn't send the pie to Gloria.
Her back was to me.

I sent it to her friend, who went
to the bathroom and missed it.

And that person is here today,
Gloria's sister Sonia.

Isn't it funny how a simple
twist of fate can change the whole-

You stole my life!
No, Sonia!

Wait, wait, wait.
Hold it, hold it.

I got Sonia! I got Sonia!

No more. I want my own life, my
own bed, my own e-mail account!

Yeah, and leave
your poor old mother alone.

Don't worry, Mamá. You can come and live with us.
Whoa. Pump the brakes here.

Why? You have a problem
with my mother?

No. Your mother
has a problem with me.

- You think she's helpless. Ask her what's in that box.
- Isn't that the family gun?

Jay, if anything should happen
to Gloria, I am there for you.

What, Sonia?
What's going to happen to me?

You might go for a walk in your
closet one day and never come back!

You see what
you're missing? Huh?

Where is Luke?

I think he's the one standing
next to Matthew. Phil.

He was feeling a little under the weather.
I let him stay home.

Or is he just too embarrassed
to leave the house?

Why would he be embarrassed? Because
Dad tried to fix all our problems...

and instead
ruined all our lives.


You girls are so dramatic. Do I
need to call you a wahmbulance?

Wah-wah, wah-wah.

Did you hear that?

Claire's been driving Lily
to dance class all week.

That's where she gets it from.

We're not bad parents.
Claire is. Huh.

Oh! I said I wasn't gonna cry,
but, oh, boy, here it comes.


No, no, Cam.
Not with those.

Okay! That's it!

We're in
a house of God, damn it.

Fine. Everyone
just abandon me.

Pilar, all due respect, no
one's buying the martyr act.

Not even this guy.

You ask me, you've been keeping
this one under your thumb...

'cause you're afraid
of going on with your life.

But you're an attractive woman with a lot to offer.
This could be an opportunity.

Hell, I don't even think I knew
what happiness was till I was 60.

And the hits
just keep coming. Okay.

Sonia, we're gonna help you get your
own place, have some independence.

And if you ever get lonely, you
come visit us as much as you want-

within reason.

And we'll send this one
down to visit you. What?

But he's not gonna become
a priest, 'cause he likes girls.

Can't get 'em,
but he likes 'em.

So, everybody think about it.

But not for too long. There's a A.A.
meeting here at 6:00.

Sonia, please,
let us do this for you.

I really want you to be happy.
Can you forgive me?

It will take some time.
As much as you need.

And some dresses.
As many as you want.

And some shoes.

You're angry now.

happened with the kids,

I don't want you
to feel bad about it.

I don't.

I now invite the godfather
and the godmother to join us.

Don't worry. I will take
care of everything tomorrow.

That may not be necessary,
my wife.

Phil and Claire, as godparents,

are you ready to help the parents
of this child in their duties?

We are.

Do you renounce Satan?

I do renounce him.

And all his works?

I do renounce them.

Hey! Hey!

And all his empty promises?

Oh, my God!

I do renounce them.

Godfather, is it your wish
that this child be baptized?

It is.

In the name of the Father and
the Son and the Holy Spirit.

What name
have you given the child?

Fulgencio Joseph Pritchett.

May God be with you all.

Thank you, Jay.

We're never gonna call him that.

So I heard that somebody
released a bunch of rats...

into Karen Sullivan's party
the other night.

And Lee Cooper's camper
just rolled into her lemon tree.

Luke isn't having any problem
at school anymore...

because Reuben admitted
he made the whole thing up.

Isn't that crazy,

how all of our kids' problems
just disappeared?

Don't ever ask me
about my business, Claire.

What are you talking about?

Don't ask me about my business.
I wasn't.

Good. Don't.