Modern Family (2009–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - Heart Broken - full transcript

Phil and Claire's Valentine's plans land Claire in the emergency room, Jay and Gloria try to be intimate for the first time after the baby, and Mitchell has a wild Valentine's night after drinking and blacking out at his party.


Clive Bixby...

what a sexy surprise...

- Quick question:
- Hmhmm?

Did it hurt when
you fell from heaven?

Because you--uh...

I'm gonna come in again.

We are watching baby Joe
on Valentine's day

so my dad and Gloria can...

- Make love.
- Ew. Don't.

- Oh. - The point is, we are
celebrating a day early.

So they can finally be intimate.

You've... more than made that point.

I'm just saying it's a long
wait after giving birth.

- Six weeks.
- Ugh.

I couldn't keep my hands off
this one for that long.

I can only imagine what
Jay's going through.

Voila.

Square knot. Impressive.

I can make any kind of knot.

It's like I have
a sailor in my mouth.

I should check on the kids.

Haley took 'Em to a movie.
She's not even gonna answer.

I know, but, sweetie, I have
a good reason to worry.

Luke had that nasty
nosebleed this morning,

and Alex, as usual, fainted.

She's fine, and Dunphy men
get nosebleeds.

I told you this when we got married.
It was in my vows.

I'm still a little unclear as to
why you put them in your vows--

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Just finish that drink, pretty lady.

We got a big night ahead of us.

Okay.

First, we have a date with romance.

- A threesome, if you will.
- Oh.

From here, we move on to
an old-fashioned blimpnic.

Now is that the one where the man
has to face out at the woman...

It's a picnic on a blimp.

- Hmm. - Champagne, cheese, and
this beautiful city beneath us.

That actually sounds really romantic.

After that, we swap our
earplugs for some earmuffs,

and take a few moonlit turns
around the local ice rink.

Oh.

From there, it's a quick
trip back to the hotel,

- where...
- I'm spinning.

Well, I wouldn't start with that,

but, uh, we--we can
work our way up to it.

No. I'm feeling really weird.

Catch that, Clive? Just
tell me what you want.

Juliana?

Claire?

One of you needs to answer me.

Blood pressure's still good.

I think I can send you home.

Great. So it was probably just
low blood sugar or something?

See, honey? I told you it
was nothing to worry about.

Well, it's not nothing.

You did have a small heart episode.

Dr. Coben, this may
have been my fault.

I think I was being... too sexy.

Yeah, I don't think that's an issue.

You sure about that?

Um, doctor, you're not saying that

I had a heart attack
or something, right?

Not at all. What you have
is a very minor arrhythmia,

known as Wolff-Parkinson-White
syndrome.

It's hereditary,
so you're off the hook.

Oh, yeah. My mom has that.

We'll treat it with medication

and have you back
in a couple of days.

In the meantime, just take it easy.

Okay. Thank you!

I guess we should tell your dad

we can't watch the baby tomorrow.

No. No.

I don't want everyone
to know about this.

They're just gonna get worried

and--and make a bigger
deal of it than it is.

Sweetheart, promise me?

I promise. I know it's
not that big a deal.

This is a huge deal...

For which I'm partly responsible,

in spite of what Claire's
lesbian doctor says.

Hey, honey, I was just reading
about this Wolff-White thing.

It's not that serious.
You're gonna be fine.

I know.

Who's ready to hit the ice?

- What?
- Come on.

Somebody promised me
a moonlit skate.

But didn't the doctor say
you needed to take it easy?

Oh, that's just one of those
things they have to say,

like, "you can't drink
when you're pregnant."

Come on. We're not gonna
seriously blow off Valentine's day,

are we?

No. I just thought why...
ice things down

when we could heat things up?

- Oh, I like where this is going.
- Right?

- Yes.
- Yeah?

Ye--no!

Honey, I know what you're doing.

You're treating me like a patient,

- and you promised that you wouldn't.
- No.

No, no, no, no, no. I
just had a better idea.

What?

Side-by-side couples massage.

Oh.

Just you, me, and a couple Cambodian
guys to work us over good.

Specific.

What is that?

You think the kids are home?

That sounds like more than our three.

Oh.

Oh, they think we're not home,
and they're having a party.

- I'm killing them.
- No, no, no. No, no, no.

"A": it's my turn to kill them.

"B": you need to order up
those massages.

Mm-hmm.

It's under "best number one U.S.A.
Coca-Cola good time massage."

What the hell is going on?!

Dad? What are you doing home?

So this is how it is?

- We're gone for a minute, and
you guys throw a party? - No!

Just texted mom we're having
a good time at the movies.

It works every t--aah!

- So this is a regular thing?
- No!

You know the drill.
Coolers our b--aah--ack!

Enough! Turn off the music.

Everybody who I did not create,

get out of my house right now!

I don't want to get upset.

I've been through enough tonight.

What happened?

I'm not supposed to tell you.

When you say it like that, we
make it worse in our heads.

Fine. It's no big deal.

Your mother had to go to the hospital.

Oh, my God! What?!

That is so much worse than
it would be in our heads!

She's fine. She just passed out a little.

Something to do with her heart.

- Like a heart attack?!
- Mom had a heart attack?!

- Mom almost died of a heart attack?!
- No!

She had a little episode,
probably triggered by me.

She just needs to rest.

For once, let's not think
about ourselves.

Phil, everything okay?

Fine! I'm coming!

Just act like everything's normal.

Oh, and if, uh,
two Cambodian guys show up,

send them to our bedroom.

Kids had a few friends over.

I handled it.

So you're good at handling things.

You like?

Me love, but is this
appropriate massage wear?

They were busy, which is
what we should be getting.

Honey.

Honey, are you sure this
is okay for your--aah!

Mm-hmm!

Mmm. Ooh! Salty.

I still have a few moves.

Mm, that's the chips, sweetie.

Oh, sorry. Right.

Mmm.

Mom, we need to talk to you.

Dad told us not to say anything,

but we're really worried about you.

- You told them?!
- No!

You had a heart attack?

- Phil!
- That is not what I said.

Kids, everything is fine.

Call 9-1-1! Oh, God!

Her heart exploded!

- Oh, my God! I did it again!
- Phil, it's your nose!

- Oh.
- Ugh. This is the one thing,

the one thing I ask from you is
not to make a big deal of this,

and you couldn't even do that.

Honey, you need to stay calm.

No, I don't, because I am fine.

We are all fine.

Oh, God. Haley, revive your sister.

Not in the mood
for an apology, Phil.

Good, 'cause you're not gettin' one.

I'm allowed to worry about you.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, when there's
something to worry about.

But this was nothing. I
told you, my mom has this.

Which I just found out about today.

How has that not
come up in 20 years?

I was... getting to it.

Look, I know you feel like

you have to be
the rock for this family

and worry about everybody's
boy problems and nosebleeds

and... who has enough greens.

They're supposed to cover half the plate.

Claire, stop it.

I'm saying you could
let us take care of you

every once in a while.

Like for example, when you
clutch your chest and collapse.

This house isn't gonna
crumble in the dust

if you let yourself be vulnerable.

We don't know that.

We could find out.

It was kind of scary.

Of course.

- Until I knew what it was,
and then... - Don't ruin it.

I just have one more question.

Hmm?

Did it hurt?

Well, I blacked out before I...

When you fell from heaven?

Nailed it.

You just take care of Claire.
We got Joe.

Gloria?

Sí, mi Amor?

Wow. Happy Valentine's--

Wait. Wait. Wait. Time-out.

That was Phil.
They can't watch Joe today.

Claire was in the emergency
room last night.

- Is she okay?
- She's gonna be fine,

- but, you know, she had a
little bit-- - Okay, good.

I love how you look in this suit.

Let's see how it looks
on the floor, okay?

Okay, but I gotta be in
a meeting in one hour.

Ay, that's so cute that after six weeks,

you think you're going to need an hour!

Happy Valentine's day!

It's the one time of the year

when the world tries to be as
romantic as I am all the time.

- Good luck, world.
- Get out.

Anyway, since you're almost
done dressing Jay...

- Mm-hmm.
- How about we head to school early?

I'll check my hair
and meet you in the car.

Gloria, I'll be back
in two hours, tops.

We decide who does
what when you come back.

I got a ticket running a red light...

So let's make this worth it.
Put the kid down.

I can't.
He's being a real pritchett.

We need to come up with a
different term for that.

Watch.

Watch.

Okay, I used to have a TV
got reception like that.

Let me try.
Hey, Joe Joe. Hey buddy.

- Guy to guy, you're blocking me
a little bit. You know that. - Ohh!

Yes, you do. Yes, you do, Joe.

Hey, how about a half-hour?
What do you say, pal? Huh?

Can you do it?

Attaboy!

I've never been
more attracted to you.

Prove it.

- Are you kissing?
- That's a bit of a mood killer.

My daddies kiss a lot.

And flatlined.

Mitch and cam are having
a party for Valentine's.

Claire was supposed to take
care of her, but now she can't.

Lily, we're so happy
to have you here.

I have a big surprise for you!

Look! A brand-new, shiny TV remote!

Looks complicated.

Just keep hitting all those buttons
until something good happens.

That's my plan, anyway.

Woof!

Where were all these distractions

the night that Joe was conceived?

I'm kidding. He's a blessing.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm Harlan. I'm here
to do your baby proofing.

Jay, I've been waiting for
this appointment for weeks.

I've waited longer for mine.

The human race has survived
for a thousand years

without these foam bumpers
and--and gates everywhere.

Hell, I used to drive
to the supermarket

with Mitchell and Claire
on the hood of the car.

When did everybody
get so overprotective?

Maybe when kids
started flying off cars.

How long?

Normally I have help, but Dale, uh...

You met Dale at the shop. He's a tall guy.

- He's my sister's kid--
- Hey, listen,

you and I are gonna bang
this out in about an hour.

Where do you want it?

I know a lot of people think
that I'm attracted to Jay

because of his money,
but they're wrong.

I'm attracted to him
because he's sexy,

and he's never been
sexier than today.

The suit...

The carrying of the boxes...

No, no. You listen to me.

You've had my wife's car four days.

Figure out what that
screeching noise is,

or you'll be making one yourself.

The yelling on the phone...

Give me that.

And the drilling.

So much drilling.

Time to go, Harlan.

Okay. You want me to walk
you through any of the--

- No, we'll take it from here.
- Okay. Uh, listen.

Give me a call if you have
any trouble with the gates,

- because they're a little
tricky, you know? - Yeah.

You gotta be gentle with it.

Ten seconds, or I start without you.

Ready or not, here I...

Can you...
Come on!

Okay, you have to lift it.

It's not a lift. It's a squeeze.

Okay, then squeeze it!

I'm squeezing it!
It's impossible!

Jay, please.

Best day ever!

I just got invited
to a Valentine's party

by a secret admirer!

- You should go.
- Sounds great! Go!

I obviously need
to get dressed first.

Can you keep it under a half-hour?

You're funny.

Manny, come on.

Let's go!

- Relax.
- Come on!

You don't have to drive me.
It's just down the street.

Oh, I thought I... had to drive you.

What's with the hat?

My secret admirer requested

I wear a hat with a feather in it.

I'm like, "which one?"

Really?

This secret admirer have
any other requests?

Uh, yes.

She asked me to bring some
poetry to recite at the party.

These, uh, kids at the party...

They wouldn't be the popular
ones by any chance?

The most popular. Why?

No reason. Just... have fun.

I will.

No, Jay.

It's squeeze.

What? I have cigar breath?

It's not you.

Ay. Did you already...

What?

No!

No. I'm worried about Manny.

I think he's being set up for

some kind of humiliation
at that party.

Oh. That's so sweet of you to worry.

Just when you thought that
you couldn't get any sexier.

- Yeah, he's fine, right?
- Yeah, he's fine.

Come here...

Oh, I think I gotta check on him.

There was something about
some kind of secret admirer

- getting him to...
- Bring his poems?

Yeah, he told me when
I was lint-rolling his jacket.

And you're not worried it's a prank?

Of course I worry.

I worry about him all the time.

But like you said, we can't
protect them from everything.

So I'm just trying to,
like, let go a little bit.

Let him ride on top of the car?

No, that's just crazy.

That's the hardest part, isn't it?

When you realize you can't stop
the world from hurting them.

Now you're making me want to cry.

This is not what
this day is all about.

You're right.

Okay.

I'll go and get us some champagne.

Good idea.

Manny?

No, nothing.

Just wanted to know
if everything is okay.

Hi, honey. Sorry to bother you.
I know you're resting.

I heard you had
a little scare last night.

Hey, uh, when are you
going back to the doctor?

'Cause if you want,
I can go with you.

This year for Valentine's day,

we decided to throw
a lonely hearts party

for all of our single friends.

Sometimes when we're around them,

we feel a little guilty for
having found each other,

like we're waving
our love in their faces.

There's gotta be a better
way of saying that.

Anyway, it was supposed
to be an elegant affair.

Ogle me.

Showtime. Put the cat away.

Okay. Yeah. Great.

- Oh, and, Mitchell, please... hey.
- Yeah?

Please try to have fun tonight.

I always have fun.

No, I know you're great
at stay-at-home fun

and sit-on-the-couch fun,

but this is party fun,
and sometimes you--

Okay, this is not fun.

Get the door.

I will show you some fun.

Things got a little hazy after that.

Hello?

Yeah, hi--hi, dad.

No, no. I'm up. I am up.

Yeah, bring her by at any time.

Okay. Good night.

Oh, Cam.

Oh, God, that was some party last night.

Yeah. Well, I'm just glad
you made it home safely.

Wha--made--made it ho-- I don't--

I don't even remember
leaving the party.

Oh, I-I think I got a little tipsy.

Tipsy?

You were like all of the "Mad men."

Oh, no, no, no.

Don't make it out like I did a
lot of crazy, out of control--

- I was hoping I dreamt that.
- Mm.

Come on. Like--like you've
never had a few cocktails

and died a cat pink
with cherry kool-aid.

Okay. Well, is there anything
else you need to tell me about?

Not that I remember.

I'm remembering this.

Oh, my gosh, Mitchell,

are these Burt and Dottie Winchell's

Christmas decorations?
How could you?

They never take them down, okay?

I was doing the whole
neighborhood a favor.

Oh, God.

Cam, I... you know, I think--
I-I think there are pictures.

I remember Pepper
and Longinus were--okay.

Mm. Oh, my gosh.
Those poor reindeer.

Oh, it seems like Prancer
is the belle of the ball--

no surprise there.

Oh. You must be ViXen.

Okay. Okay. Not funny, Mitchell.

Look at this place.
What were you thinking?

Okay. Cam, I... yes, I went
a little nuts, all right?

I-I'm sorry.

But I didn't do anything
that can't be undone.

Hey, roomies.

Hey, thank you so much for
letting me move in here.

Yes. Could you
excuse us for just a...

a moment, Dylan?

Yeah. Take as much time as you need.

It's your house.
I just live here now.

Cam, did--did I tell him
that he could live with us?

- Obviously.
- Oh, my God.

Was he even at our party?

Yes. He's been driving a
limousine for some company,

and J'Marcus hired him for the night,

and now he lives here. Are
you all caught up there?

I-I don't remember any of this.

Well, let's create a new memory--

-one where you tell him
he can't live here. - Oh.

Can I say one short thing?

I came to this house a broken man

after my mom threw me out
for her new boyfriend.

And then I found out

I was getting let go
from the limo company

the same night Haley goes
to a party without me.

So I had nothing and no one.

And then you...

Okay. Come on. Tell him.

Let him finish.

I'm sorry.

I mean, gay dudes have
always been nice to me--

I mean, super nice.

But nothing like this.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

Oh, my God. He's gonna sing.

♪ So many years
living life underwater ♪

♪ Came up for air in
the room of your daughter ♪

♪ I never knew
I would find my answer ♪

♪ in my ex-girlfriend's uncles' house ♪

♪ with the tiny pink pink panther ♪

Dylan, Dylan. I'm--I'm sorry.

Oh, gosh, I--this is...

This is really hard for me to say,

but we--we just cannot...

Not wash our cat.

I'm sorry.

And yet when I did that
drunk, not a scratch.

Oh, my gosh, this place is
cleaner than when we moved in.

Best houseguest ever.

No, we are not keeping him.

Do you think he took the
Christmas decorations

back to the Wwinchell's?

Oh, well, I think he thinks he did.

What? Okay, yeah.

Dylan! Dylan!

Dylan! No, no, no!

Oh, hey, guys. I'm up here.

Yeah, hi. Listen, Dylan,

those decorations were on the yard...

Of that house.

Oh. No good deed, huh?

Yeah, well...

Hey! I can see our house from here.

- Oh, jeez. Are you kidding me?
- Dylan! Dylan!

- This day...
- Aah!

One night. Just till his bone sets.

Yeah, but there's always gonna
be a reason not to tell him,

isn't there?

Okay. What if we, um--

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No "we." You made your bed.
You lie in it.

Don't lie there. I just made it.

Sorry.

Not looking. Not looking.

It's okay, Dylan.

I made you guys some soups.

Oh, Dylan, you didn't have to do that.

Well, Cam didn't have to
offer to let me stay here,

but he did.

So here are soups.

Cam offered?

Well, I know he was
speaking for both of you.

You weren't home yet.
Is that a problem?

Not for me.

Oh. Dylan, can you
give us just a moment?

Not looking. Not looking.

I'll get it!

So I guess in a way,

we're both responsible.

Yeah, but in the real
way, you're responsible.

Take care of that.

Come on.

Let's do it.

Oh, my God. I hate myself right now.

What kind of monster

throws an injured innocent
onto the street?

You can't live here. Get out!

Lily. Lily.

It's weird. You're a big boy.

- I'm sorry, Dylan.
- She doesn't mean that.

No. She's right. Everyone says it.

I need to stop running from conflict.

It's time to be a big
boy and patch things up

and move back in with my mom.

I'll get my things.

- Okay. Sorry.
- Sorry, yeah.

I guess I got off easy.

She is blunt but effective.

Maybe we should have her
talk to the gardener.

Hey, C-Cam, um...

Do you really think
that I'm not any fun?

What? Last night, you said that I--

This isn't a hotel!

Yeah, you made your point, honey!

He's got it.

No, it--I only drank
like that last night

because I...
I was trying to be more fun.

Oh. No, I didn't mean it like that.

I'm sorry.

You know I have party anxiety.
I was nervous.

No, but you're not entirely wrong.

I mean, I-I could be a little...
less uptight

and loosen up a little bit.

Yeah. Maybe we could, you know,

aim for middle-ground fun.

You know, if--if
you're up for a do-over,

I recently heard of an idea

that could put us in the low end

of upper middle-ground fun.

Okay.

Do you believe
in love at first sight,

or should I walk in again?

- Jay?
- Coming, honey! Oh, God.

There you are, Jay. I thought
you'd never wake up.

Turns out my night
with my secret admirer

couldn't have gone better.

We danced all night.
And the best part was,

- her eyes were just...
- Manny. Manny, Manny--

dying to hear it.

Wait ten seconds and come
in and tell both of us.

Jay, you took so long.

I'm not done with you.

I'm not done with you, either.

Best Valentine's party ever.

So there's this girl--

I should start from the beginning.

So first a little history...