Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 18 - Send Out the Clowns - full transcript

This week, the world
lost a great man,

and I lost a mentor.

For nearly 60 years,
Professor ringmaster Al Uzielli

helped young hopefuls like me
find their clown persona.

"Professor ringmaster"?

It's a very prestigious title
at clown college.

One step below
piemaster general.

Where's Lewis?

Who knows?

Okay, guys, it's just us.

Lift on three.



Hey, how come you guys haven't
accepted my friend requests?

I didn't know
you were on Facebook.

Yeah. You said it was
only for teenagers

and people looking
to have affairs.

Well, I figured if you
can't fight it...

Not the having the affair.
That's still bad.

No. Not that, but there's
nothing wrong with catching up

with a few old friends, right?

Or doing a little social
networking with by B.F.F.s?

Mm.

Social networking
or social not-working?

Oh! You know what we gotta do?

We gotta get a picture of us
all together on a boat.

I think that's a thing now.



So what do you say?
Accept my friend thingy.

Sorry, mom, I-I didn't get
a friend thingy from you.

Yeah, you know, they have
a lot of blocks on there

to protect kids from weirdos.

Mm. Okay. Good, good.
I'll send it again.

Great. Please do.

Please don't.

We got her request
the first time, but ignored it.

I can't have her on there
snooping around

seeing what I'm doing
at parties.

Or posting pictures of us
on family vacations

wearing old, dorky clothes.

What?
What's wrong with this?

Dad, check it out.
I made one giant oreo.

Luke, what are you doing?

You gotta eat it
like it's an ear of corn.

- Genius.
- Aw.

Wow. New suit?

New everything.

Kids, gather 'round.
It's time for a life lesson.

Aren't we already gathered?

Let me tell you something.

Hard work, determination,
and perseverance always win out.

I am living proof
that nice guys can finish first.

Today I have a chance

to get the biggest listing
of my career.

Oh, I have never seen
this man so focused.

I'm like a boxer
before the big fight.

That's why I didn't have sex
with Claire last night.

Sorry, honey.

Mm. It's... it's okay.

But as soon as I get
this listing... ding!

Let's just stop. Stop.

I see you.

What? I'm scratching.

Hey, mom?

Is it okay if I have a friend
come over tomorrow?

Who? Reuben? Or the nervous one
that gets the nosebleed?

It's Griffin Cooper.

Griffin Cooper?

Griffin Cooper is, by far,

the coolest kid
in Manny's grade.

He's a terrific athlete,
he's confident.

Manny's a great kid, sure,
but he's not exactly cool.

He can't even open a door cool.

Salutations, Wyatt.
I'm so glad you're joining me

for an afternoon of mirth.

Ah, good evening,
Reuben-San.

May I ask you
to remove your shoes?

Tonight, we are going Japanese.

Ah! Hebalaboo ridabeley
lai mubay rumboo.

I invented a new language
this morning.

When did you guys
become buddies?

Was it a football game
in the yard?

- You made a great catch?
- No, that didn't happen.

But the librarian told me
one day I'll be a great catch.

I'm really not getting
that relationship.

Why can't you just be happy
that Manny's making new friends?

No. 'Cause
it doesn't add up.

Cool kids like
Griffin Cooper...

they don't hang out
with kids like Manny.

Manny's very cool.

Maybe those kids are finally
catching up to him.

Wait a minute. I get it.

Couple of days last week,

I took Manny to school
on my motorcycle.

Griffin must think
I'm pretty boss.

Yes, Jay.
It's all because of you.

Kids are looking
for role models.

Why do you think fonzie
was so popular?

He told people
that they were rich,

but really took their money
with his scheme?

No, that's a...

Yes.

Those people were victims
of a fonzie scheme.

Mm.

It's showtime.

Hey, Dunphy.

You gettin' ready
for your one-woman show?

Mitzi.

Mitzi Roth...
a notorious poacher

in the world of high-end
residential real estate.

We call her
the "nightmare on elm street,"

because she sold a lot
of houses on elm street.

What are you doing here, Mitzi?

I have an appointment.
This is my listing.

Oh, I didn't think that was
dotted line yet, jazz hands.

No worries. I may have
an interested buyer.

- I'll bring him to you.
- Really?

Okay, but could you
come back later?

I really need to have them
to myself right now.

Oh, yeah, okay.
I completely understand.

Okay, thanks.
You're welcome.

Wait. What?

What are you doing?

Watch this.

- Hello?
- Oh, it's Mitzi Roth.

And Phil Dunphy.

I may have a prospective buyer
for your beautiful house.

- I was wondering if maybe I could come in...
- Hey, Stan! Hey, Patti!

And just have a look
for a little while.

- We've got a lot to talk about.
- Come on in.

Um...

Hey, guys. Yeah.

I'm wondering if maybe we
shouldn't be alone for this.

I'm in.

Go back to condos, Dunphy.

Oh, my God! This place
is absolutely gorgeous.

Stunning. Stunning.

- You are in such good hands with Phil.
- Hey.

How are you guys?

I mean, fingers crossed,
though.

You know, so many new companies
go belly-up.

- Terrible.
- Well, good to... good to see you, Mitzi.

- Guys, how are you?
- Oh, no. No, no, it's fine.

- It's fine. Come and take a look.
- Yeah.

- Oh, thank you. Thank you.
- Mitzi, please!

Mitzi, please! Please!

- What are you doing?
- Oh, my God! He shoved me!

- What?!
- He shoved me!

- For God sakes!
- Phil! Oh, my God!

I thought you had your
anger problem under control!

- Ow! Ow! Ow!
- I don't have an anger...

I don't... anger problem.

I don't have an anger problem.

Whoa. Hey. It's over?
What the hell?

You're an hour late.

Huh. Good to see you, too,
chuckleberry.

Look at that. Your oversized
pants are starting to fit.

Hello, Lewis.

Hello, Fizbo.

For several years,
I was one half

of the renowned clown duo
Fizbo & Lewis.

We were huge.

In children's parties.

Anyway, I disbanded the group
shortly after I met Mitchell.

It's hard to have a relationship
and a clown career.

That's the reason there are
so many single clowns.

Just one of the reasons.

Anyway, um, Lewis
hasn't spoken to me since.

He's still bitter,
and I don't blame him.

It's kind of like
I broke up The Beatles.

Of children's parties.

What do you say we hit a bar?

Tip a few back to Al, huh?

I heard you were in jail.

Yeah? I heard you're still doing
that lame giant scissors bit,

you blue-haired hack.

Who's in?

- I'll go.
- I'll go.

- Yeah, sure.
- Just give me a minute. I gotta redo my lips.

- All right.
- Cerveza.

What about you, fizzy?

You gonna come or you gonna
break up this party, too?

Hey, shotgun, bitches!

I should, you know,
probably go.

- You know, for... for Al.
- Oh, yeah, no, of course.

But, hey, listen, don't let him
get to you, all right?

No. It's fine. It's all
seltzer under the bridge.

Just one drink,
and then I'll be home.

Okay.
Just drive me home first?

No, you, uh, you... you take
the car.

I, uh, I'll go with the guys.

In that tiny car? How are you
all possibly gonna...

Forget I asked!

It's 5:00 in the morning.

Daddy's juggling!

Lily, honey,
what are you doing up?

- Are you just getting home?
- Yeah, things got a little out of hand.

Somebody had a flower
that squirted Tequila.

What do you mean "somebody"?
I want full credit.

What up, red?

Really?

Teach me to juggle!

It's very simple.

The key is to be aware
of where everything is

at all times.

Oh!

And don't forget
the importance of balance! Oh!

- Whoa!
- Okay. Okay. Come on.

I think I cracked my eggs.

We're out of eggs?
Are you yolking?

And I haven't eaten
in five days!

Five days! Are you cereal?

Whoa!

Lily, don't ever do that.

Okay. You two are deliberately
not confirming me.

Everybody else has accepted
my Facebook requests...

Your father, Uncle Mitchell...

Adele.

That's right. Adele has
agreed to be my friend,

and my own daughters haven't.

Yeah, you may just be
a fan of Adele, and...

What is so private
that I can't possibly see it?

Nothing.

Nothing. You just don't
want to be my friend.

Great. I can see
my next status update...

"My daughters are monsters."

You're not gonna believe this.
Mitzi got the listing.

Oh, no, honey.
That's awful.

She cheated, she lied,
and she won.

Kids, gather 'round.

Again, we are gathered.

You wanna get ahead?
Don't play by the rules.

Turns out nice guys finish last

in this cold,
dog-eat-dog world.

It's not fair.
Why don't you play dirty, too?

You could take her down.

Honey, 'cause your dad
is a better man than that.

- He has values and morals and...
- Shh.

You. Keep talking.

Well, just off
the top of my head,

you could take my spy pen
and record her

admitting what she did.

And then you could play it
for those people

so they realize
what a jerk she is.

Your dad is never gonna
do that...

You're a regular
chatterbox today!

Get me that pen!

- I got it!
- Remember, pal, keep it simple.

Hey, Manny.

Griffin... legendary creature
of Greek mythology

with the head of a lion
and wings of an eagle.

What'd you say, Jay?

Never mind.

Jay Pritchett.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

You know, I, uh, I saw
a little of that basketball game

of yours last week.
You were lightin' it up.

Thanks.

I was lighting it up, too, Jay.

Who's hot? We're hot!

Mustangs are hot!

Hey!

Hey!

Hola, Griffin.
How are you?

Oh. 13.

I'm fine.

So what do you boys
have planned for today?

Well, it's kind of
a surprise for Griffin,

but let's just say
it involves decoupage.

- Oh, jeez.
- Come on. Let's go.

Good-bye.

Oh, no.

- What?
- You were right.

This boy is not here
to see Manny.

I told you. You see
the way he looks at me?

No, fonzie,
the way he looks at me.

He couldn't talk.
He kept staring.

He was just like
my teachers back in school.

Gloria, you're very pretty.

But the kid idolizes me.

Really?

Griffin! Manny!

Do you want to go with Jay
to ride his motorcycle,

or you want to go with me
to the supermarket

and buy a couple of onions?

Motorcycle rides!

Onions sound good.

Huh.

Guess he has a thing
for you, too.

Hey! We're back!

Hey, I-I just finished
cleaning the kitchen,

so if anyone has to do
a spit take,

please do it over the sink.

We felt really bad about that,
so we got you a present.

What... what's the deal
with this?

I open it up and snakes
fly out, or a fire?

No, we just know
that you like to read.

- Yeah.
- So open it.

Aah! Got him!

No. No. That's exactly
what I expected.

'Member, when I told you?

Okay. Look,
it's almost go time,

so we should have a shot
and go white up.

I'm sor... excuse me.
"White up"?

Oh, yeah. Lewis got a call to do
a birthday party this afternoon,

so we're gonna put
the old act back together.

Yeah, Fizbo & Lewis,
together again.

And they said
it would never happen.

Said. Hoped.

Could I talk to you
for a second?

Uh-oh.
Trouble in queer-a-dise.

Okay, look, gonna go out
to the car for smokes.

Please tell me "smokes"
is not another clown,

'cause I don't think I could
handle another one of him.

Oh, Lewis is not that bad.

Well, what do you see
in that guy, cam?

I don't know. Maybe the fact
that he doesn't roll his eyes

every time I talk
about the art of clowning...

Like that.

He may have had his faults,
but we were great together.

We had an unspoken language.

We finished each other's
balloon animals.

But you would never know,

because you have never been
to one of our performances.

Birthday parties.

You hate my clown side.

No. No.
No. I don't hate it.

Just admit it. I basically
already know you do.

Okay. Okay.
Cards on the table.

- It's not my favorite thing that you...
- Oh, how dare you?

I am a clown.
It's who I am!

If you squeeze me,
do I not honk?

Eye roll!

Oh, like I had a choice!

Knock, knock.

What are you doing here?

Hey, um, I-I brought you
some... soup.

You know, I thought about it,
and maybe I did push you.

So... how's the ankle?

Oh, come on, Dunphy.
You know I flopped.

Haven't you ever seen
an nba game?

Oh, I'm sorry.
In your case, WNBA.

So that was all a ruse?

The oldest trick in the book.

You need to step up
your game, son.

You know what? I almost
feel sorry for you.

Come here. Give me a big hug.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No hard feelings, huh?

- None at all.
- Good.

Because I just recorded
your entire confession...

Right here on my...

Spy pen?

Second-oldest trick
in the book.

Um...

Oh, God. A real man would have
just poisoned the soup.

Are we... done here?

Ah. Thank you.

Hey, mom. Guess what?

Griffin invited us all
over to his house

for a pool party
and barbecue tonight.

Pool party, huh?

Yeah, and he said
bring your swimsuits.

He was pretty adamant about it.

It's 50 degrees outside.

Sounds fun.

Great. I'll call him.

You know, you're basically
agreeing to a date

with a 13-year-old boy.

Jay, we use this go get us
tables at restaurants,

why can't we use this
to get Manny a friend?

Because he's not really
getting a friend.

Oh, but when you thought
that he was trying

to ride your motorcycle,
it was okay.

Maybe now I don't like
what he's trying to ride.

Manny likes Griffin.

Maybe someday, if they spend
enough time together,

Griffin will like Manny.

What? Griffin doesn't like me?

No, no, no, papi.
He loves you.

But you just said
someday Griffin will like me.

That means
he doesn't like me now.

You know what, kid?

We think that Griffin
might be hanging out with you

because he's got a little crush
on your mother and me.

- On you?
- Wow. I can't believe it.

- Listen, it's fine. You're gonna be fine.
- Okay? I'm sorry.

Are you kidding?
It's fantastic!

How is it fantastic?

I'm only hanging out with him

because I have the hots
for his sister Chloe.

You've met Griffin.
The kid's a doorknob.

So you're just using him?

Yeah, and I felt really guilty
about it until now.

Now it's a win-win.

Not for me!

Just suck it up, mom.

I've done a lot for you
over the years.

Jay, you, too.
This girl could be the one.

Then I'm out of your hair
forever.

Pool party, mom.
Dress accordingly.

Can you help me
reach that box of cereal?

Ugh.

Hey. You're Mitzi Roth.

I recognize you from your ads.

Smokin', right?

I'm Luke Dunphy.

My dad's Phil Dunphy.

I'm sorry.

Why do you hate him so much?

It's just business, kid.
It's not personal.

Well, it's personal to us.

I've never seen my dad
so worried before.

I have this spy pen,

and I heard him
talking to my mom,

and he's scared about paying for
my sister's college next year.

And I guess he's nervous
about some kind of party,

because he said
there's a big balloon payment.

Anyways, he's like
the best dad ever,

so maybe you could be
a little nicer to him.

There you are, buddy.

Check it out. They're giving
away free jelly beans.

Hey, Mitzi.

Dunphy.

You have a very nice kid there.

He's mine.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, so I was thinking
after, uh, little Fizbo,

we could do the ladder bit.

Ah, crap.
I forgot the ladder.

You know what?
I'll remember it next weekend.

What's next weekend?

We got a town fair
in thousand oaks

and a birthday party
in Pasadena.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I-I can't do that.

W-what do you mean?

I'm the one with outstanding
warrants in Pasadena.

We're taking Lily
to the aquarium next weekend.

You know, Lewis, this was
just a onetime thing, right?

What happened to "we're putting
the act back together"?

Well, that was just for today.

Oh. Oh, sure.

- I'm... I'm sorry if you thought...
- No, no, no.

I get it.

You're a family man now.

Hey...

Let's go out there
and make this the best show

Fizbo & Lewis have ever done.

You got it, partner.

Ladies and germs,
boys and girls,

say hello to my good friend...

Little Fizbo!

Hello, big people!

Hi!

Let's get this party started!

Wow, all this dancing
sure has made me hungry!

Wish I had something to eat!

Heh! Oh!

Oh, forgot I had
that fish over there.

Don't know why
he's so mad at me!

He was fine just a minute ago.

Ohh! Okay!

Somebody's
a little punchy today!

Oh. Hey.

What's the frying pan
doing here?

When did we add a frying pan
to the act?

We don't need...
Nope! Don't need the frying pan!

Ow! Oh, gosh!

Why are you doing that?
Stop doing that.

Screw you, you traitor.

Ow! That hurts!

Seriously, stop it!

Know what hurts?
Abandonment.

Listen to 'em laughing.
We could have been something.

We could have been some...
I can't do this bit by myself!

Uhh!

Somebody! Somebody!
This isn't pretend!

Someone grab an adult, please!

Mitzi.

Your kid forgot his cereal.

There's a surprise
in every box.

Spoiler alert...
it's diabetes.

You drove all the way
over here for this?

Okay, look, here's the deal.

- You can have that listing if you want it.
- What?

Yeah, the couple
are a real pain.

I'm too old
for that kind of headache.

Just keep your mouth shut
about it.

- Thank you so much.
- I just said "zip it"!

- Oh. You did.
- Unbelievable.

I'm so sorry.
But thank you.

Bye!

Kids, gather 'round!

- We are right here!
- Oh.

Let me tell you something...
people are fundamentally good.

The key is, you find
that goodness deep within 'em.

Twist it,

and turn it to your advantage.

Hello. Psh!

And... there she is.

What are you gonna hit?

College, balloon payment,
greatest dad ever.

Nice. Do you want me to squirt
some tears in your eyes?

Dad, please.

I was fake crying
before I could walk.

How do you think I got out
of eating all those salads?

Can you help me reach
that box of cereal?

Ugh.

Oh, hey.
You're Mitzi Roth, right?

I recognize you from your ads.

Smokin', huh?

I can't believe
you got that listing back!

- Sweetheart!
- Honey! Oh.

- Honey?
- Mm-hmm?

Ding?

You sure you
wanna ding a chatterbox?

- Mnh-mnh.
- Oh. Uh...

Honey...

Buddy, quick...

What's the trick
to those fake tears?

The three stooges are all dead.

Yeah, that's good.

Well, it looks like
somebody likes Coldplay.

Mm. Right. You saw.

Uh-huh.

Did you see the pictures
I posted from Thanksgiving?

Totes adorbs.

- I'm going to kill myself.
- Hmm.

You gotta check out my wall.
Right there.

"Spring break, 1990,
New Orleans."

Is that you?

What?

Some guy from your college
tagged you in a picture.

What is "tagging"?
What is "tagging"?

Why are you drinking
out of a funnel?

And why is his hand on your...

Untag it!

Oh, my goodness!

Un... untag it!
Girls, I'm serious! Untag it!

Tear down the wall!