Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 17 - Leap Day - full transcript

Come on, boys!
it's Leap Day, not Sleep Day!

Whoo!

I love Leap Day!

it's kind of a
big deal in the Dunphy house.

This year, we even
got Manny involved.

You're given this gift
of 24 extra hours.

You can't waste it
at work or school.

You have to do something
extraordinary, something shocking.

Mmm. This year, the entire family
is taking a trapeze class.

How extraordinary is that?
It was my idea.

How shocking is that? I can be
spontaneous every four years.



I can't wait.

Leap Day is stupid.

You're not understanding
the logic behind it.

A year is actually 365.25 days.

Every four years,
we gain one day.

If we didn't adjust
the calendar, in, say, 40 years,

February would almost be January.

That's not my problem.
And it's definitely not your problem.

Look at this. The housekeeper turned
another one of my whites pink.

I can't wear this
to a sports bar.

They're not going
to be looking at you, Jay.

Somebody's feeling
pretty good about herself.

They're going to be
watching the match.

You meant you a little bit.



Okay, put it in there.

All right. Very quietly, we're
gonna go to Daddy's bedroom,

open the door and-

Happy birthday to me.

I'm 10!
Forty!

I was born February 29,

and there have been
10 of those in my lifetime,

therefore I'm 10!

It's fun.

It's so much fun.

Anyway, I've spent
the last four years...

trying to figure out what kind
of party to throw this one.

Honey, you know
I'd be fine with just...

a nice casual evening
at home with you.

Don't- Don't even.

No, no. That's what
he said last time.

Okay, birthday boy.
What's it gonna be?

Rom-com or horror?

Or we could do both
and watch Maid in Manhattan.

What you doing?

Canceling our baby.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

Okay, love to Dad. Bye.

Daddy, what are you doing? Oh.

- Yeah, Daddy, what are you doing?
- I was-

Snooping for hints
about your birthday?

Wow. Get.

No, I'm just excited,
and I want to be helpful.

I know party planning
isn't your thing.

Wow.

You need to trust me, Cam.

I know. And I do.

It's not like you're gonna do
anything tired,

like appletinis
or ice sculptures.

Or synthetic napkins
or anything Mylar.

Cam, that's enough.

I've been paying for your
last party for four years.

And I find it a little insulting...

that you don't think
I could pull this off.

You know what?

I trust you. I'm letting go.

Okay? Okay-

- You know orange is over, right?
- it's a simple party. I can do it.

Simple.

Perfect.

Yeah, just a simple party.

I'm simply taking Cam's favorite
movie,

The Wizard of Oz,

and turning our house
into an Oz-themed extravaganza.

Yellow brick carpet,

waitstaff in full costume...

and custom-made
ruby slippers for Cam.

Whassup?

So is this safe?
it's a trapeze.

Relax. More people are killed by
knife-wielding strangers than from trapezing.

I'm thinking about
going home now.

# In the arms of the angels #

These animals
need your help.

Honey, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm fine. Just-
So sad.

Oh, no. Not today.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

No, your mom's
just, uh, feeling emotional.

She was like this
last month.

And the month before.
And the month before.

What? I could kill someone!
No, I can't hear you!

This stupid phone gets no reception
in this stupid house!

Dear God, no.

I heard rumors. Yeah.

We all had.

That females living or working
in close quarters...

could eventually
get on the same cycle.

But I always assumed that was a story designed
to keep women out of the submarine corps.

This isn't milk. What's wrong with me today?
My brain's not working right.

No! I can't foc-

Won't you help ?

Three legs?

It's not fair!

I know. it's so sad.

Oh, my God.
They're gonna ruin everything.

No,no,no. We-We just need
to be extra sensitive.

Phil, honey,
when do we need to leave?

Whenever's good for you, sweetie.
Maybe 20 minutes?

Twenty minutes? Well,
which one is it, Phil?

Whenever is
good for me, or is it 20 minutes?

Whenever you're ready.

It happened.
Satan's trifecta.

The day I most dreaded had
fallen on the day I most loved.

They're gonna ruin trapezing.

I bet they don't
even catch me.

Why are you so afraid of them?
They're reasonable.

Why don't we just suggest they stay home,
considering they're all on their mens-

Shh! The first rule of
dealing with the cycle:

You never mention the cycle.

You tiptoe around it.

The woman's actually taking great pains
to hide the monster she's become.

But if you acknowledge it,
that brings the monster forth.

My God.
And there's three of them.

It's okay. I have a plan.

It's kind of traditional
for people to lean in...

when somebody says
?I have a plan.?

Okay-

Ja! Ja! Ja! Ja!

Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja!

No! No!
S?! S?! S?! S?! S?!

Go! Go!

You should call your country the
Never-lands because you never-

Ja, because we are never going to win.
You said that a billion times.

Just go home.

Why don't you
Dutch people go home?

Someone should shut
your Colombian mouth.

Okay, I want to see you try.
ls there a problem over here?

Yes, there is a problem,
and you are married to her.

Really? Well,
let me make a suggestion.

Why don't you sit down, I send you over a
beer, my wife and I watch from over there.

That way,
everybody enjoys the game.

Except me, 'cause I prefer
a game where something happens.

Gloria, let's go.

I thought you were going to
punch that guy back there.

Ah, I got 60 pounds
on the kid.

Yeah. it's just that I'd heard so
many stories about you fighting.

It's just not worth the trouble.
Yeah, and he has all those friends.

Well, his friends
had nothing to do with it.

Just sometimes it's better
to take the high road.

Yeah, it's better
that you walked away.

Gloria, I get- I get the impression you're
disappointed I didn't punch that guy.

Of course not. Who needs all that
manly ?protect your woman? stuff?

No, see, like right there.
You're saying one thing,

but it feels like
you mean the opposite.

No.
That's a yes.

Look, Jay. I just came
to watch the game.

I don't want to fight.
Neither do I.

I know.

So, in keeping
with the film,

this area will be in black and white,
and then an explosion of Technicolor.

Best part, as
the guests are coming in-

?Auntie Em! Auntie Em!?

A simulated tornado.

Yeah.
Oh, he's gonna love that.

So the
appletinis are canceled-

Yes. the little Toto
dog is ordered, and-

Please tell me that you are
not mixing punch in costume.

Oh, no.
What is Cam doing home?

Hey-
Hey-

- We're the monkeys.
- Yes, hi. Come on inside.

Quickly, quickly. Hi.

Okay, one second.

Hey. What you doing home? Are you
checking on me and the party again?

No, no. I left my cell phone in your car,
and I gotta be in touch with Mama today.

She's talking to the insurance
agency for the first time...

to see if they're gonna
rebuild Grandpa's farm.

Rebuild the-

Because of the tornado.

I totally
missed the connection.

A month after the most devastating
twister to ever hit Cam's hometown,

I throw a party based on gay
cinema's most famous tornado.

Yeah. You know,
it's been a month,

and she hasn't heard anything,
and she's just beside herself.

And then- You know what else?
Lily succumbed to her injuries.

- Your Aunt Lily died?
- No, the family pig.

Aunt Lily was a-
We named our daughter after a pig?

Can you just witness my pain
instead of criticizing?

I just want to be in touch
with my family today.

Get all this tornado stuff
behind me...

so I can enjoy the fabulous
party you're planning for me.

Yeah. Gotta get outta here.

Okay. Hey, listen. Hey, Cam, you just
call your family, tell them I said hi.

And don't worry about being back at 6:00 on the dot.
There's a little breathing room.

Oh, what, are you kidding me?

The sooner I can start to party,
the sooner I can start to forget.

But then again,
hey, if you keep running from...

every reminder of the tornado,
doesn't the tornado win?

Mitchell, my grandpa runs to his
pickup truck every morning...

because he thinks the pitchfork
is gonna come back down.

The tornado always wins.
Yeah.

Okay. Well, it's
gonna be so much fun tonight!

- I know. The big 1-0!
- 4-0!

Hey, Mitchell!
I'm over here.

I could've hit you. But you didn't.

I'm doing
my ?I Love You? dance.

Okay. I'm doing
my ?I Love You? car dance.

Look at me.
Look at you.

Stop that.
Fish move!

Okay, go!

This is dangerous. Go.
Okay, okay.

Get out of here, you.
it's my birthday!

All right, guys. Come here.

We need to talk.

There they are.
Stop rushing us!

Buddy, what's wrong?

Yes, you've been
a little off all morning.

I've been feeling
a lot of stress lately.

My head's all foggy,
and I'm kind of emotional.

Oh. Well, I sure hope
you feel better soon,

'cause you really need your wits
about you when you're trapezing.

This is weird, because the three of us haven't
exactly been feeling our best today either.

Really? Can't
find my other sock!

- Try looking under the one you have on.
- I am not you.

I don't do that. See?

God, I am you.

- Would you mind if we sat out trapezing?
- Really?

Yeah. Are you sure?
Okay.

Why does he do that?
Every month.

Yeah, I get a little moody,

but unrelenting physical discomfort
will do that to a person.

Doesn't he know that tiptoeing around someone
like they're crazy makes them crazy?

All right. You and Manny go ahead.
Luke can just stay here with us.

- Wait. What?
- Luke's actually looking better.

I am better. Well, let's
not take any chances.

He can stay here. You go ahead.
Dad?

- Um, I-
- Daddy?

- See you later, buddy.
- What are we going to do?

We leave no man behind.

I think I'm just
gonna go home.

We have time. Just take down the
decorations and have a normal party.

And throw a boring party
in our house...

that looks like I just threw
it together this afternoon?

Think!
Okay, we have a few options.

I can get you
the back room at Amelia's.

Spilled juice on the owner's white rug
and almost killed her toddler. Next.

Bowling alley?
Not classy enough.

What have you got?
Uh-

You're no help. You. Well, last
weekend I did a party on a boat.

- You said you were visiting your parents.
- You're suffocating me.

What's this boat?
Tell me about the boat.

Okay, we did an elegant dinner party
on a luxury yacht for about 25 people.

It takes you around the harbor,
dancing under the moonlight.

Okay. Okay. Maybe we can
make a theme out of this.

Cam's life is like a long voyage.

Sometimes choppy, but always
forward- ever forward.

- We have two hours.
- Book it.

Hey. You survived
trapeze class, huh?

Didn't happen. And common decency
prevents me from telling you why.

- How was the soccer match?
- Thrilling.

1-1 tie. One of the goals
was an accident.

I'm sure my mom
was happy you went.

I don't know what to make of her today.
She got into it with this guy,

and I swear she was pushing me
into a fight with him.

Now, is that something she'd want?
I don't know.

I always thought of women
as the more evolved sex.

But after today-
I've seen things, Jay.

As you know, I had my share of
fights in my time. You know that.

Mmm, it's-
it's too warm for me.

I remember this time I was
crossing the street with Dede,

and some jackass
almost clipped her.

I had the guy on the ground, my foot on
his neck, before the car stopped moving.

Yeah, we've heard
all the stories.

Maybe my mom wouldn't mind
a glimpse of that Jay.

That's her. She wants me to help pick out Cam's gift.

I'm still that guy,
you know. 100%.

What the hell? How do you cut
your finger on a cracker?

Anyway, if I thought there was a
fight worth fighting, I'd fight it.

Ow! Now I got salt in this.
That stings!

Next time, don't scream at your boss...

so that he doesn't make you
work during the weekends.

Y pueda venir a ver
a tu hijo, por favor.

S?. Ad?os.

Hey, Mom.
Who were you yelling at?

Your father, baby.
He cannot make it this weekend.

Okay, I admit it.

I wanted Jay to kick that little
Dutchman's ass at the bar.

But two seconds
on the phone with Javier,

and I remember what that stupid
hothead behavior gets you.

Nothing. it's better
to be calm, like Jay.

Like Jay and me.

Like Jay.

I'm back! Wouldn't you know, I
forgot my ding-dang sunglasses.

Oh.

Huh. Luke,
could you give me a hand?

What were the chances
that Phil had come back...

to apologize
for all the game-playing...

and have an open conversation
with me about what I was feeling?

Okay, I got a bottle of fake blood
out of the Halloween supplies.

Put a dab on your finger,
say you cut it,

I say I need to run you by
the doctor, easy trapezey.

Got it? See you on the
other side, brother.

Just once, I would like Phil
to have a little empathy.

Give me some sense that he
understands what women go through.

You feelin' any better?

Hate to see
the whole team on the D.L.

- Ow! My finger!
- I don't like the sound of that.

- I said a little bit.
- The cap fell off. I decided just to go with it.

Okay, we gotta get you out
the back-

- What happened?
- Oh, it's just a little cut.

But to be safe,
I'll run him by the doctor.

No! Are you crazy?
Call 911!

Oh, no, they're so busy.
Where's the wound?

- We need to put pressure on it, right?
- I'm gonna be sick!

Oh, he needs a tourniquet!
Where do I put it?

Stop. There is nothing
wrong with him.

- Luke, what's going on?
- I cut my finger.

- Dad?
- How crazy is that?

They were in my pocket the whole time.
I'll see you.

Phil!
What is going on, Luke?

Dad staged the whole thing so we could
go on the trapeze without you three.

- Why?
- Because- Because-

You're all monsterating!

Luke, no!
Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God!
I'm sorry.

I know you told me not to
say it, but- Phil.

Is this what you've been
teaching our son?

That women are some kind of
unclean lepers...

that should be hidden away
under sheets for a week?

- Do you have any idea how offensive that is?
- I do, honey.

And from the bottom
of my heart, I am so...

scared.

Oh, no!

Oh, my.

Okay. Three, two, one!

Surprise!

Oh, my gosh! Oh, it's amazing!
Yeah, it's a boat party!

Oh. Because?
Your life is like a voyage.

Oh. Well, everyone's is,

but I love it because none of our
other friends have ever done it.

Oh.

Oh, that's so sweet.

It must be easy with no dirty,
broken woman in the relationship.

What are you laughing at?

Okay. Everybody follow
the birthday flag.

What'd you call me?
Oh, the- Uh, yes.

Oh, my gosh. it's so elegant.
Pepper must be dying.

Oh, you know, actually, Pepper
couldn't come because he hates boats.

You know, after the navy, so- Oh.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, I guess Longines
got over his fear of water.

No, no. Why don't we just focus on the 30
people who are here having a great time?

Eee! Smells like
somebody's dead.

What is that smell?

That faint odor is-
is a tiny, tiny blue whale,

who apparently has indeed died,
uh, nearby.

But- Yeah, but it's
getting all over my coat.

I don't smell anything. Maybe that's because
you smell like a bouquet of flower-

Ow!
Oh, yeah.

Watch out for that.

It smells like puke married
poop and had the ceremony in my nose.

You paint with words.
Okay. Don't worry, everybody.

Soon we'll be way, way out at
sea, bouncing on the waves...

with all of his sweet-smelling
brothers and sisters, okay?

Mitchell Pritchett?
Oh, yes. Hi.

Hi. I'm your captain tonight.
We've got a problem.

I can't fit
this many people on my boat.

No, no. I was told you could take 30.
I have exactly 30 guests.

Plus six in help.
You gotta drop a few people.

Come on. There must be
something that we can do here.

Well, we have bigger boats, but this is
the best I could do on two hours' notice.

Uh-
What is the problem?

Apparently Mitchell started planning
my birthday party two hours ago.

Mm-mmm.
No, no. I-I-I did not.

Uh, apparently we have too
many people for his boat, so-

That's crazy. I've seen more people
clinging to a floating door.

I'm sorry, lady.
it's a safety issue.

Oh, no, you're going to have
a safety issue...

if you don't take me away
from this whale.

- Okay, a little too much finger, a little
too much attitude. -What's all this?

Two hours of Mitchell's
hard work going down the drain.

Look, I can't fit
more than 30 people on the boat,

as I was just explaining
to the lady here.

Well, first of all,
that lady is my son.

- He wasn't- He wasn't talking about me.
- I was talking about her.

Oh, her. Oh, it's ?her? now.
Well, ?her? happens to be my wife.

You got a problem with her,
you got a problem with me.

No, no, Jay, calm down.

I didn't have a problem before,
but now I'm starting to.

No, your problem is about
to get a lot bigger.

No, Jay. I know you think this
is what I want, but it's not.

I got this, Gloria. No, Jay, I
was just being stupid today.

I like that you're calm, that you
think first and you act second.

I need that in my life.

Yeah.
So walk away, Grandpa.

You know what-

Nobody calls him Grandpa!

I do.
Okay, that's it.

No boat. Everybody off my dock,
or I'm calling the cops.

Wait, wait. So no party now?
No, no, of course.

Just- Just give me
a minute, okay?

Well, after what you did with two hours, I
can't wait to see what you do with a minute.

Cam-

Poor Cam.
He seems so upset.

Oh, is that hard for you, Phil? That
he's having a feeling around you?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Too many emotions?

Okay, okay, I give up!

Yeah, I made a mistake today.

But only because the three
of you ganged up on me,

like when the Wolf Man, Dracula and
Frankenstein show up in the same movie,

except this wasn't awesome!

I have been on an emotional
roller coaster all day today.

I'm afraid. I'm mad.
I'm mad because I'm afraid.

Now I can't even think straight because I'm in
so much pain from what just happened over there.

And the whole thing makes me so
sad, and I'm not even sure why,

and I'm nauseous from that smell,
but I'm so hungry.

Yeah.

Cam, the-the boat wasn't
even part of the plan.

No, it's fine. it's my fault for
letting my expectations get too high.

I'll get over this one too.

No, no, I had this whole
Wizard of Oz party planned,

only today I realized that it
might be a little too tornado-y.

Today?
Yes. I'm sorry.

I didn't make
the connection, okay?

Probably 'cause I've been
planning for months...

so that you could have the
perfect party and be happy,

which now I don't even
think is possible.

Oh, I'm sorry that I would like to
have a nice 10th birthday party.

Well, you can't have it, Cam. You
want to know why? Because you're 40!

You're a 40-year-old man!

I am 40.

I'm 40.
Yes.

Okay, stop it.

I'm 40,
and I'm on this stupid-

Wait, what is that?
What is this... thing?

Suddenly it all made sense. Cam's
craziness all day wasn't about a party.

It was about turning 40.
And once he realized that,

everything got much worse.

I've done nothing
with my life!

What? Stop it. Come on.
How can you say that?

You're a wonderful father. You-
You graduated from clown college.

You've been to France.

I don't want to be 40. it's not fair.
I know.

Nothing's fair.

Two miles from here is an amusement park full
of happy families swinging on a trapeze.

That's all I wanted
for my special bonus day.

What?

I'd been trying so hard to figure out
what Cam wanted for his birthday.

He'd been telling me all along.

He wanted to be 10.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Seriously?
There's nothing you can do?

I'm sorry.
You just missed the cutoff.

How about
we see you next time?

How about you make an exception
and strap him in there?

Yeah, we're like 10 minutes
past your deadline anyways.

And you don't want to
make us angry today.

Ladies, I really can't- ?Ladies??
No, no, no.

Seriously?

And that was how
they apologized to me.

- Whoo!
- Come on, Phil!

Go, Dad! Oh!

Go, Phil!

Go, Daddy!

At least I- I think it was.
I could never ask them.

This is so satisfying!

Best I've felt
all day!

Can I rent one of these
on a monthly basis?

Yeah!
Yes!

Oh, yay!

Oh!

Best 40th birthday party ever.

No, no. Tenth.

Really?
Yeah.

In fact, you're still
that sexy little...

eight-year-old
I fell in love with.

Oh, um- No, just go.

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