Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - Virgin Territory - full transcript

Alex accidentally reveals a secret about Haley to their dad, Cameron fakes a back injury to catch Claire in a lie, Mitchell confesses a secret about one of Jay's proudest moments, and Luke helps Manny try to impress a girl.

Ooh! Individual frittatas.
What a treat.

You're a lucky man, Phil.
I'm always saying, I'm-

Phil. Sorry.

You left the milk
out again.

Mmm. I may have to take
one of these little guys home.

Claire, did you ever find
that Tupperware I lent you?

Sweetie, for the hundredth time,
I gave it back to you. Remember?

I remember you telling me a hundred
times, yet my pea soup is in Baggies.

Did you check your car,
in the, um- Trunk.

Because that's where
you found that thing...

that you thought that you
gave me long time ago.

Pizza cutter.

- Good. Give me another one.
- Yes, I was wrong that time.

It's a piece of plastic.
You're ruining brunch.

Don't sweat it, Cam.
I forget things all the time.

Like I can never
remember the name...

of that weather guy
that I liked.

Uh, Thunder-something.

Flash Storm? Ah!
Whatever the hell it is.

I don't know.
Just eat your eggs, Jay.

Yeah. Just eat
your eggs, Jay.

Ay! Qu? linda!

Grandpa got told!

Look at them.
They all think Lily's so great.

The novelty will wear off.

We used to be
the cute ones.

Now she gets
all the attention.

We need to take her down.

I should remember
his name, too,

because your mom and I
got in a big fight over him.

She was using the convertible,
and I told her,

"Put the top up because it's
supposed to rain tonight...

according to"-

P-P-P- Partly McCloudy-
whatever the hell his name is.

Anyway, she didn't.
Ruined the car.

Well, not to be the one that
always comes to Mom's defense-

What? It was 20 years ago.

What, you think
he's gonna ground you?

- It was you?
- Yes.

Yes, I left the top down,
and I let Mom take the fall.

- And then they got divorced.
- Twelve years later.

- I'm just saying.
- Oh! You're ruining brunch.

Relax. It was years ago. There's a
statute of limitation on this stuff.

In that case, I should
probably let you know...

I let the top down to let out
the cigarette smoke.

Not mine. Not mine.
My bad friend- Eleanor.

"Eleanor" being
her boyfriend, Allan.

Statute of limitations. Relax.
it's okay.

Remember when I told you that I couldn't
get to your figure skating semifinal...

- because I was stuck at work?
- Yeah.

Well, by "stuck,"
I meant drunk.

And by "work,"
I meant the golf course.


- Oh, Dad.
- Oh, no. I got one. I got one.

Remember that time we
went golfing together,

and you got a hole in one? Yeah?

You never got
a hole in one.

I got bored,
and I kicked it in the hole.

This is fun.
Here's a corker.

They didn't used to label babies
as carefully in hospitals.

- So for two days-
- Not now, Phil!

What do you mean,
you kicked the ball in the hole?

What, was it on the edge? Yeah. It was on
the edge of that, uh- that sandy thing.

Gee, it's sure gonna be fun
to face my friends today.

You don't have to tell them.
They call me Ace, Mitch.

I haven't paid for lemonade
down there in 20 years.

You're mad at me? Mmm.

Great, Daddy.
You ruined brunch.

Ay! Qu? linda!

You did.

This ends today.

Is that what
you're calling them?

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

A little help here.

You can't expect me to focus...

when Miranda Cornell lives
right down your street.

She's like a dream
wrapped in a wish...

poured into jeggings.

Yeah, yeah. That's nice and all,
but we got a trap to set.

Are you sure
this is going to work?

Trust me. We'll use
these cookies as bait.

Lily's crazy for them.

Asian metabolism.

When she grabs one with
her grubby little hands,

off goes the trap.

Boom- big puddle of milk.
She'll get in so much trouble.

My mom hates messes.

I'm familiar with Claire.

Lock ... and loaded.

Mmm! These cookies
are so good...

and so easy to reach.



Oh, my God! Cam!

What happened?
Are you okay?

That milk fell, and
I must have slipped in it.

Did I leave that out again?
I'm so sorry!

Oh, my back.
Oh, my back.

Can I give you a Swedish
massage, accent optional?

Oh. Oh, no. I just
need to lie down.

Come on. Let's get you
over to the sofa.

Oh! Do you think it
would be offensive...

if I ask our daughter
to walk on my back?

I'd say so. I just offered
to give you a massage.

Oh, no! You broke Beatrice.

Now she can't
feed the dolphins.

What is she talking about? Oh.
it's a My Sweet Companion doll.

They all have these
elaborate backstories.

Beatrice works with
blind dolphins and models.

There are blind models?

That's so sad. They cannot see
how pretty they are.

Okay. Hold on. Give me some. Give me some.
Give me some.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me buy Lily
a new doll.

It's my fault Cam fell.
No, no need.

The My Sweet Companion store actually
has a hospital with an on-call doctor.

I can go. I'm taking the
girls to the mall anyway.

Oh, that'd be great. Yeah. And don't worry.
She has medical insurance.

And I think we've met our
deductible for the year.

- So you should be good.
- Yeah.

Do you know what a doll
is in my village?

An apple on a fork.

I never really got dolls.
Does that make me weird?

it's on the list.
You're not weird.

You just kind of skipped
the "little girl" stage.

And jumped to the "I dare you
to ring her doorbell" stage.

The only stage you're ever going
to jump on has a pole on it.

Hey, at least I have
the body- Oh, please!

Okay, okay! We're gonna have to settle
this dispute in court- the food court.

The Honorable Judge
Cinnabon presiding.

The food court? That place smells like
the inside of Luke's bicycle helmet.

I like the food court. Me too.

Don't worry, girls. We're not
gonna deprive ourselves...

just 'cause
Haley's aversion-

Oh. Oh. Haley's aversion.

I thought you said-
Never mind.

Okay. So after you have turned on the
monitor and selected your input,

you can change the channel
with this guy.

But if you need to change
the volume- You know what?

I think I'm fine. Why
don't you just go ahead?

I know this sounds
really confusing,

but there's actually a very
simple way to remember it.

# Input one is the cable box #

# Cable box, cable box- ##
I think I'm just gonna take a nap.

Okay. I'm goin' to yoga.
That sounds like so much fun.

- You should go with her, Gloria. -We
should definitely do that sometime.

I would love it. Bye.

Do you see how she gives me
the cold shoulders?

I don't even know why I try.

Oh, well, that's just Claire.
You know? She's a Pritchett.

You gotta break
through those walls.

- The sooner, the better.
- You really think so?

Yeah. Why don't you go? Now.
Forge that friendship.

Okay, I go. I have
my gym bag in the car.

Feel better!
Okay. Thank you.

I'm just gonna lie here, some ice on my back.

I knew for a fact Claire
never returned my Tupperware.

I just needed a few minutes
alone to find it.

And when I did, I'd never have to
hear them snicker again.

"Oh, silly Cam."
Or "forgetful Cam."

Because revenge is a dish
best sewed cold.

And even better two days later
out of a 24-ounce,

burp-sealed Pak-N-Stor.

Oh, hey. I thought you were
going to the pharmacy.

I forgot my phone.

Oh! I think I'm just upset about
this stupid thing with my dad.

Sweetie, I'd love
to hear about it...

when you come back with my
heating pad from the pharmacy.

Because I hurt my back,

I mean,
did he overreact or what?

It's just a game, right?

Well, unless there's
something more to it.

Maybe you should
go talk to him.


I should've just
kept my mouth shut.

I mean, it was
such a great day.

After he thought he got that hole
in one, he took us out to dinner.

He bought me my first beer.
Well, there you go.

He's probably hurt because you marred
a very special father-son experience.

- You think?
- You marred it.

But you can fix it.

He's down at the club
right now.

Go, Mitchell!
Un-mar that memory!

You know what?
I'm gonna do it.


Don't worry.
I'll be back soon.

Okay. I'll miss you.
Call first.

What were you thinking,
saying that in front of him?

I'm sorry.
It slipped out.

Besides, I figured he knew.
Mom knows.

Only because she
dragged it out of Dylan.

And she promised not to tell
dad until I left for college,

which means he might
have never found out.

Stop panicking. We don't even know
for sure he heard what I said.

Okay. Beatrice
is with the nurse.

They'll call us.
Shouldn't be too long.

We can just wait until she's
married- Until she's... ready.

Which, apparently,
everyone is these days.

Funny, I used to think it'd be years
until everyone was ready,

but I guess I was wrong-
wrong and naive.

Oh! Gloria!

My God.

I came to do yoga
with you.

Yeah, I wasn't expecting
to see you here.

A y, that's why
I say "Surprise!"

Yeah. This is awful,

because I was just thinking
I might have to bail on yoga.

I have the worst headache
all of a sudden.

But yoga is good
for that, Claire.

For the meditation,
for the-

Yeah, yeah.
it's just right now,

I wanna go lie down
in a dark room and breathe.

That sounds like yoga.

L- I realize that. Yes.

But still, I-l should go.
Come on.

I'm not gonna
do the class by myself.

Okay, so let's go
and get massages.

Or there's
a nail salon there.

I would love to do that some other time.
I really would.

But right now, I need to
get home and lie down.

- You understand, right?
- Of course.

You go!

And lie.

You're better! Oh!
Barely. Barely, yeah.

- I was just getting something cold for my back.
- Gravy?

Well, if it can save your mom's
turkey, it can save anything.

I thought you were going
to see your friend Miranda.

This one chickened out.

For someone who says
he likes girls so much,

he sure is afraid of them.

It's a dance, Luke.
Chicken dance.

Well, since you're back,
what if I give you 20 bucks...

and YOU guys...
go wash my car?

Is that 20 bucks for each
of us or both of us?


That's what I thought.

Uh-oh, check it out. Ace is
drooling over his plaque again.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
smell you idiots come in.

Listen, I've been thinking, maybe
it's time we retire the name "Ace."

You mean the name you had
printed on your golf cap?

- And his robe.
- You know, guys, about that-

Remember how mad he got when I yanked
that cap off his head and put it on?

"You got to earn that!"

I'm just glad one of those cheap
hair plugs didn't get caught in it.

For the millionth time,
they're not plugs.

So what, your hair just
came back when you turned 50?

Unlike your wife.
Hey, that was a blessing.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be taking
out Natalie Hobbs tonight.

Taking her out
or doing her taxes?

I'm trying to find a way to come clean about
the hole in one, when it occurs to me-


One idiot lies
about his sex life.

The other dumbbell has a Ferrari
"in the shop" for years.

And moron number three
is a Hollywood stunt car driver...

who gets sick when he rides
backwards in the golf cart.

So, you ladies ready
to tee off or what?

Just gotta
settle up our tab.

- I took care of it.
- You said you were going to the restroom.

Ah! Can't trust a word
out of this guy's mouth.

Twenty years we've been
falling for this.

I-I'm sorry to interrupt, but
my dad never lied to you guys.

Mitchell. No, he didn't
even know until today...

that he never made the hole in one.

But the fact that he couldn't live
with himself when he found out...

and he raced down here
to confess to you,

that just shows
the kind of man he is.

He is a "hole in one"
kind of man.

You never
got a hole in one?

I didn't tell them.

So this is the gang.
Introduce me.

Ah! Score!

It's not like me and Miranda
are perfectly suited.

For one thing, she likes bad boys.
That's just not me.

I'm gonna turn on some music.

I'm sorry. I can't unlearn
how to treat a lady.

But where does that leave me-
waiting till I'm 40,

when she looks me up on Facebook
after her failed first marriage?


What are you doing? I'm sick of
hearing you whine about Miranda!

It's time to make her notice you!
But we can't!

We got a full tank of gas, and
she's right down the block.

Now buckle up.
Are you crazy?

You tell me.

Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

Lily, what is this?

Wouldn't you rather have a
chemistry set or some flash cards?

She's pretty.

No. No, she's dirty.

Look. Look at the dirt.

Let me wipe her off.

Fix that.

Her braid's coming loose.
Come here.

Fix that right up.

So I've completed the examination.
She did really well.

What's the prognosis?

We can fix
most of her arm,

but she'll never regain full
mobility in her shoulder joint,

because they don't make
that part anymore.

Well, that's pretty good,

I mean, she'll look exactly the same.
No one will know.

I'll know.


I'm just saying
I liked her the way she was.

She was such
a sweet little doll.

I'm sorry, Doc. I'm having
trouble adjusting to all this.

Uh, Dad, she's still
a sweet little doll.

No, she's broken.

No, she's just
changed a little.

It happens. Dolls grow up.
Well, actually-

Uh, could you-
Yeah. Sure.

I actually have to go give a
little girl some pretty bad news.

So, Haley.

The thing is-

Fact- Haley's almost 18.

Fact- I am the cool dad.

Haley, I understand
that sex is a part of life.

I can't say that I'm thrilled to hear
this, but I'm sure you're being safe,

and I hope that you'll feel free
to talk to me about this anytime.

We should- We should probably get
Beatrice, like, a cast or something.

We can all sign it.

Uh, yeah. Sure.

Fact- I blew it.

This repair's probably
gonna take a little while.

Why don't you run up to the
food court and grab us a table?

I'll get Alex and Lily.

Do you want the counter
or a booth?

Whatever seems right to you.

I trust you.

I have a cool dad.

Okay. Your turn.
Uh-uh! No way!

Do you want to get
her attention or not?

# Yeah #

# Ah! Ah! #

# Uh! #

# Yeah
Uh! Uh! Uh! #

# Yeah #

# Uh let's- let's ride
Gotta hit the street #

That was amazing!

Did you see the look
on Miranda's face?

No. But you did good,

Please stop calling me that.
I hate that movie.

What movie?

Uh-oh! Dead end.
You gotta make a U-ey.

I don't know
how to do that.

# Ride, gotta hit the street
We pack the heat ##

She pretended
to have a headache, Cam.

She doesn't want
to spend time with me.

Maybe she just wanted
to be alone.


Because some people really
value their privacy,

and you have
to respect that.

I have to go.

Hola, Claire!

Gloria, you've gotta
stop doing that!

Were you going back to the
yoga class without me?

No, that is not
why I came back.

I don't understand you.

Why you don't want
to spend time with me?

Everybody wants
to spend time with me.

Even the lady that did my nails
wants to take me to Pilates.

I didn't come back here
to do yoga.

I don't do yoga.
it's a cover, okay?

Look. I know that,
from the outside,

it seems like I have
everything together.

No, not really.

My point is that my life
can be very stressful.

And I have found a way
to cope with that stress.

And it's my little secret,
and I'm not proud of it.

Hey, Claire. See you inside.

Is that what you do?

No. No!

Okay. You're coming
with me. Come in.

But listen to me, Gloria.

It has to stay between us.

This is my sacred space.

It's just
such a great release.

- Thank you for not judging me.
- Why would I?

If anything, it makes me
like you more.

Mmm. So, how often
do you come here?

Not that often. No.

Hey. Maybe a little often.

That's so sad.

I live with four teenagers.

You live with two adults.
You have no idea- No,no,no.

It's so sad that you
come here so often...

and that's the best
that you can shoot. Oh!

And that's
with pretty nails.

But improper stance. I- Okay.
Practice more.

Here you go, Ace.

I mean- What is
your real name?


Dad, I- I told you,
forget about it.

All right. Look.

I just want you to know I
get why you're upset, okay?

That day you got the hole in
one, it meant a lot to you.

And... l- I marred it.

But it meant a lot
to me too.

We had a steak dinner,

you gave me my first beer,

it was one of the greatest days
we ever spent together.

And it wasn't about some meaningless
hole in one. It was about us.

No. It was about
a hole in one.

Yes. Yes.
A-A little bit, maybe.

But mostly, it was
about how we bonded.

I thought I hit a ball
straight from a tee...

really, really far
into a tiny hole.


God, when will I learn?

And it wasn't
your first beer anyway.

Yes, it was, Dad, but I wouldn't
expect you to remember.

It was your 14th birthday.

You asked me
for a sip of mine.

Your mom yelled at you
in front of all your friends,

said you were
just a baby.

You ran outside in tears,

which, unfortunately,
supported your mom's argument.

Anyway, I came out
with a couple of beers.

We drank 'em on the porch, watching
the storm clouds coming in.

I had completely forgotten
about that.

You know, you're- you're unbelievable.
Just when I peg you as-

Storm Stevens!
That's it!

Give me something. I'm
gonna write it right here.

Before I forget. "Storm
Stevens." Stevens.

What were we just talking
about, just now?



Come on, Lily.
Let's see if Beatrice is ready.

Hey, Dad.

I know I'm way
too old for this,

but do you think
I could get this doll?

Her name's Genevieve, and she's
developing a vaccine for-

Yes, you can get the doll. You can
get as many dolls as you want.

It's $200.

Or one is fine.

I know you're here.


I have a bad
feeling about this.

What if one of your
neighbors saw us?

Maybe we should
just confess.

We will... in 20 years.

You heard Grandpa.

There's a statute
of limitations,

which is a good thing, because
we still need to take Lily down.

Nah, let her be
the cute one.

We don't need that anymore.
We're bad boys now.

Yeah. I like that.
Bad boys.

Your mom!

Oh, my God.


Um, this had a lid.

I'll see you guys later.
I'm going to Abby's.

Bye, honey. Have fun. Have fun, you.
With Abby.

We've confirmed
Abby's a real person and a female?

Yes, sweetie. We met her.

Honey, we can't treat
Haley differently...

just because we both know
what we know about her.

I know. I just need time.

So Dylan told you?

Why didn't he tell me? He and
I used to share everything.

You're upset
about a lot of things.

Okay, I won't obsess over it.

I just wanna ask you one thing.

How long have you known?
Three months.

So this giant thing
happened to our firstborn,

and you kept me in the dark
about it for three whole months?

I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure
how you'd- Okay.

Thank you.

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