Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 19 - Election Day - full transcript

It's Claire's election day, and the entire family tries in vain to pitch in to help her win the vote. Meanwhile, Haley anxiously awaits her final chance to get accepted into a college.

Councilwoman Dunphy, how do you respond

to allegations that you look super sexy in your new suit?

Uh, I haven't been elected yet.

Come on, kids! We gotta vote!

- Honey, come on. Please stop filming. - I'm just excited!

After today, you are going to be a councilwoman,

and I am going to be a first husband.

And if you don't stop filming,

you're going to be my first husband.

All right, everybody, come on!

Do you know what you're doing, kids?

You guys are manning the phone banks.

Alex, you're in charge of that.

Wh-why is she in charge? And what's--what's a phone bank?

That's why.

- Phil. - I got it.

I will be driving 50 of our finest senior citizens to the polls,

assuming, of course, that they remember that I'm coming for them.

- Where you at? - High-five.

Old people occasionally forget things.

Okay. All right, everybody, let's go. Let's go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Real quick!

Sorry. Everybody get in there. Jump in there.

I just want to say how proud of you we all are.

You're an inspiration.

Who would have thought that 20 years ago

when you were still in the bloom of your youth--

Okay, I'm gonna go start the car.

Claire likes to win.

When she was 8, a little girl scout friend of hers

bragged she could sell the most cookies.

Damn if Claire didn't walk the neighborhood

till she got blisters on her feet and won by ten boxes.

Best part is

Claire wasn't even a girl scout.

The choice is Claire!

Vote Claire Dunphy for town council.

Aw, I love it!

- What do you think, huh? - I love it.

We got it on Craigslist.

Came off a taco truck.

- It did. - I love that you're doing this for me.

- Thank you! - You're welcome.

I know how important winning is to Claire.

And I love to festoon things.

We're her dream team.

So we cleared the whole day, dropped Lily off at school,

and voted first thing.

Although, uh, one of us had a bit of a dimpled chad situation.

Can you tell me how this machine works again, Chad?

Oh, sure. No problem.

Just wanna look in here. Just--

Thank you. Thank you.

- Bye! Bye!- Thank you, guys!

I can see Clairely now that Duane is gone.

Bye! Thank you! Oh, my gosh.

Okay, everybody, get in the car. Let's go. Let's go.

Good luck today, Claire.

Oh, Laurie, thank you.

Hey, by the way, we have some really good news.

- What's that? - Becky got into the University of Oregon.

Oh, congratulations!

Any news, Haley?

Uh, uh, no, not-- not yet,

but, you know, super psyched!

This whole waiting-to-hear thing has been a nightmare

since the very first letter.

I'm too nervous. I can't do it.

"Dear miss Dunphy,

we regret to inform you..."

What?! Don't leave me hanging!

After that, I decided to only tell my parents good news.

I have one school left,

and the only good news I've gotten

is that my annoying neighbor Becky

is moving back east to Oregon.

- Manny, write this down. - I didn't bring a pen.

Election day is America at its finest.

The people speak, and the government listens.

I don't know what they do in Colombia.

No one does, and don't ask.

I mean, we know that voting's a privilege,

but for my daughter to have her name on that ballot,

it just means so much more--

You know what? I think I'm gonna vote later.

What? Where are you going?

Ah, the line is too long.

It's only three people! And nobody has a gun!

We're here, we're Claire,

get used to it!

You know, I'm not sure if that's tracking.

Here, let me try one.

You don't have to be Clairevoyant to know who to vote for.

Vote Dunphy for town council.

Uh, uh, uh, Claire Dunphy.

Uh, C-Caire's her first name.

I'm sorry if that wasn't Claire.

Oh, my God. Look at that. There's a trash can right there,

and that guy just threw his paper on the sidewalk.

Hey! You in the yellow jacket.

Pick it up and put it in the trash.

- Oh, my God. He did it. - Yes, he did.

Ooh, here. Let me try one.I'll try...

Hey, dragon tattoo, no jaywalking!

oh, my gosh.

This is an instrument of power.

How could they not sell tacos?

You know what we could do with this thing?

Cam, we could really make a difference.

We could be the voice of change.

Ooh, I got it!

Let's go yell at the dry cleaner that lost my shirt.

Come on, gang.

Today is the Dunphys at their best.

I'm from the "Weekly Saver." Mind if I ask you

- a couple questions about the big election? - Not at all.

Fire away.

Who are you voting for today?

Claire Dunphy.

Finally. I've been waiting for someone to say that name.


Uh... Because I am Claire Dunphy.

Oh, sorry. They moved me over from ad sales.

We take turns reporting.

How do you feel about your chances today?

Not as good as I did a few minutes ago.

No, she feels great.

Um, her spirits are high. The whole family's high.

- There's your headline. - Phil, no.

Uh, how about a photo of all of you?

- Yeah. Sure. Yes. - Mom, mom, mom. Tag.

- Tag's still on. - Oh, my Goodness.

Thank you.

That would have been a really awkward picture. Okay.


What is that?

Is that a tooth?

- Ew! - Awesome!

How old are you? No!

- Do it again! - How does that even happen?

It's a-a fake tooth from an old ice-skating injury.

- It just fell out. - Oh, my gosh. Why today?!

- What about the... - Let's not overreact.

- Let's--let me see it. - Okay. All right.

Got it. Thanks.

What happened back there?

Line was too long. I couldn't wait.

I've seen you wait 45 minutes in line for sherbet!

Well, I happen to like sherbet, okay?

That place I take you

has the greatest sherbet on the west coast.

They got lime sherbet, they got coconut sherbet.

Why are we talking about sherbet?

He's clearly changing the subject.

Why aren't you in school?

He's doing it again.

Manny's right. You're being very ardilla.

- "Ardilla"? - Yeah, you know, the--

The one that--that--

- Rabbit? I was being rabbit-y? - No, another one

- With the cheeks and the tail and... - Chipmunk?

- Possum? -Okay, obviously she means squirrel.

You were being squirrely then,

- You're being squirrely now. - Better than being a rat.

Manny, give us a minute.

Oh, sure. I served him up on a silver platter.


All right, it's no big deal.

There was a woman working there.

I didn't want her to see me.

- Who is she? - Her name is Dottie.

She's the first woman I dated after my divorce.

You dated a Dottie after Dede?

Y-you're focusing on the wrong thing here.

The--the point is it ended badly.

I tried to let her down easy, but, uh,

she didn't take it too well.

Actually, I don't know how she took it,

'cause I wasn't there.

We dated a few weeks, then after we... You know,

I slipped out of her house before she woke up

and never called her again.

Put my pants on in her yard, put the car in neutral,

let it roll down the driveway, lights off.

Hey, I can't talk about this anymore.

So because of this woman,

you didn't vote for your daughter?

It's Claire! We need her to win!

I don't want to be around when something that tight comes unraveled.

I'll figure out something.

Maybe those poll workers take shifts.

Stop hiding in your little cave like a--

Like, you know. Like the-- the--the--

- I really don't wanna do this again. - No, the--

No. No. The big one, like, uh, the monster furry one.

Ay, why can't I remember any animal names?

Climb aboard the Dunphy Express.

Next stop--democracy.

- Well--no, no... - Please don't go.

I won't do that anymore. I promise.

Oh. Uh, we need to make a quick stop.

I gotta pick up my new glasses.

No can do. I, uh...

I got a lot of people waitin', so...

It'll just take two minutes.

I can't even see the ballot without my glasses.

I mark the wrong box,

next thing you know I'll be married to a guy.

Yeah, I-- I don't think it's mandatory, Walt.

I'm a good dancer. They'll come for me.

Oh, yeah.

They will break all your buttons...

and say you brought it in that way.

Okay, go, go, go!

Turns out we had a lot of axes to grind.

And a hybrid, so there was virtually no stopping us.

Do not see that movie!

You will neither laugh nor cry!

"Best pizza in the city"?

Not even the best pizza on this street.

They do not do the hair of the people on those pictures!

"Totally free checking"?

Don't bank on it!

Okay, that was really fun,

But now we gotta go back to campaigning for Claire.

We've been saying that for two hours.

Yes, but now I-I really mean it.

- Oh, my god, there's Sandy! - Sandra Bullock?

Yeah, Sandra Bullock.

We're such good friends, I call her "Sandy," So...

No, Sandy who works at Lily's preschool.

- Right there. - Oh, yeah.

- You know, she got engaged. - No!

- To the gay boyfriend? - Totally.

Oh, how does she not see it?

If I was with somebody that gorgeous,

I'd overlook a few quirks, too.

First of all, thank you.

Second of all...

point well taken.

I don't know. Poor Sandy. I feel so bad for her.

- Well, it's better than being alone. - Is it?

She's looking over here.

- Oh, my god. - Mitchell, you're sitting on the button.

What? No--no, I'm not. No, I'm not!

The--it's stuck!

And you're the one that had it last

- when you were talking to the cheese shop! - Because you know what?

If you advertise truffle cheese,

- there are certain expectations... - Hi, Sandy.

Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Claire Dunphy.

- What a beautiful name. - She used to be a citizen.

I'm calling on behalf of Claire Dunphy for town council.

All right. How about this?

if you vote for Claire Dunphy...

You won't have to pay taxes for the rest of your life.

Vote for Claire!

Luke! What are you doing?

You can't say that!

Oh, like she'd be the first politician

to make a promise she can't keep.

Well, maybe I don't want to talk to you, either.

Maybe you are the one that is bothering me!

How do you like that? Eh?

Gloria, I'm gonna have to ask you again

to please stick to your script.

But everybody's saying no to me!

I don't get it.

Usually when I ask someone to do something,

they just do it!

Maybe it's because these people can't see you.

I don't like it.

Can't you just hook me up to some sort of camera?

Well, thank you, Maggie, for the vote.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Here's your seat.

Thank you. Um, you'll have to excuse me.

I'm a little nervous. I've never been on the radio before.

Don't worry about it.

- Just think of it as a conversation. - Okay.

Here are your headphones. Volume control.

- Don't get too far from the mike. - Okay.

Make sure your cell phone's off.

Oh. Cell phone. Right. Um...

And you're not chewing gum, are you?

No, I'm not. I just had some temporary

dental work done.

The last thing I need--

And welcome back to "A matter of record."

I'm Cecil Van Gundy.

Joining us now in studio is district 43

town council candidate Claire Dunphy.

Thank you, Cecil.

It's a pleasure to be here.

So... You're a first-time candidate.

Tell us what got you involved.

It all started with a, um...

With a stop sign.

I was concerned about safety in our neighbourhood

and I was not getting any satisfaction from city hall.

What's wrong with mom?

Oh, this isn't good.

She sounds drunk!

That's not her drunk voice.

Tell us about some of the other issues facing our town.

Where do you stand on the city's

sewage and sustainability initiative,

the so-called S.S.I.?

One cannot really talk about

s-s-sewage and sustainability

without first discussing... recycling.

This city can do more...

- What the hell's wrong with her? - with the recycling program...

She sounds drunk!

- ...currently... - It's a tooth thing.

What's wrong?

Oh, I'm almost out of air. Oh, boy.

Is that serious?

Is oxygen serious?

You know what? I lost a ton of time getting your glasses.

I'm just gonna drop you at home.

You can get your air. I can drive other people.

I don't have any more tanks at home.

Why? That seems like bad planning.

Well, I forgot to order them.

My pills make me forget things.

Oh, shoot! I gotta take my pill!

Please tell me you have it with you.

Of course I do, but I have to take 'em with food.

- Don't I? - Are you asking me?

Uh, yes! I do take them with food!

Ooh. I don't feel so well.

Okay, I'll get you whatever you want!

I'll get you the air, I'll get you the food.

Then I'll vote for your drunk wife.

That is not her drunk voice!

Thank you so much for voting.

We appreciate it.

Hi. I'm terribly sorry. Excuse me. Jay Pritchett.

Uh, can I get in-- in and out really quick?

Thank you. This is all I needed.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

All right. Claire, Claire, Claire.

Claire, Claire-- ahh, ahh. Here.

I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

Hello, Dottie!

Jay! It's so nice to see you!

- Is it? - Oh, why wouldn't it be?

That was a long time ago. Water under the bridge.

- We're good. - Oh, that's great.

Thank you so much for voting.

You remember my daughter Claire. She's--

She's running for town council.

- Oh, isn't that neat? - Yeah, I'm so proud.

So you're gonna put it in there, huh?

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Definitely.

cause every vote counts, you know.

Thank you so much for voting.

- You know... - Yeah.

Boy, I'd sure like to see the sweet sight

of my vote... counting.

Why would I say I'd do something and not do it?

That would make me a liar...

instead of a trusting widow

Who fell asleep in the warm embrace

of a man who promised to make breakfast.

Okay, here it is.

Look, I am so sorry.

You were the first woman I'd been with besides my ex--

35 years.

I panicked.

An-and it wasn't 'cause y-you weren't pretty naked

or anything like that.

I'd have run from Angie Dickinson.

- Oh, lucky her. - Dottie--

- Good-bye, Jay! - Dottie, Dottie, please.

I'm just trying to get my ballot in the box.

oh, yeah, that sounds familiar.

Yeah, but you don't have to do anything.

Just let me put it in!

Uhh. Shouldn't have said that.

We are so sorry.

We did not mean for you to hear any of that.

Yes, and you know what?

We shouldn't have been gossiping in the first place.

But what if you're right?

What if Gregory is gay?

When my mom said it, I didn't believe her.

She lives in Iowa.

But coming from you two!

- Means nothing. - No.

We barely know your fiance.

- If he says he's straight, he's straight. - Mm. Straight.

We're getting married in a month.

People are flying in.

He signed us up for dance classes.

Oh, my god!

No. No, no, no. Hey.

- This is what gays do. - Yeah.

- We gossip. - We gossip a lot.

He gossips!

No. No. You're missing the point, okay?

We see a great-looking guy like Gregory,

and we say he's gay because we want him to be gay!

- Really? Really? Are you sure? - Yes. Yes.

Absolutely. Look at what we do with movie stars.


You know? Hugh Jackman-- he sings, he dances,

He's dreamy!

So obviously we would want him on our team!

- Yeah. - But he's straight.

Trust me, I know.

I said hello to him once in a restaurant,

and there was absolutely no chemistry.

Well, if that isn't proof...

Three weeks later, Sandy and Gregory got married,

and everyone said the wedding was beautiful.

Gregory did the flowers....

Which is perfectly normal for a straight guy.

The Greeks do one thing right, and it's lamb!

All right. Let's go vote.

Why the hell does your wife want to be a politician, anyway?

You heard her. She wanted to put up

a stop sign at Bristol and Greenleaf,

But then she ran into--

Wait, wait, wait!

That's near where I live!

Yeah. We're neighbors. Let's go!

No way I'm voting for that!

Too much government already.

I didn't fight a war so some politician

could tell me where I have to stop my car.

You don't even drive!

That's 'cause that Barack Obama took my license away.

I don't think he was involved in the decision!

I left the house today to get 50 votes for my wife.

I'm not going home with zero.

The least you can do is walk right in there

and punch a hole for the woman

who drags your garbage can up your driveway every Tuesday!

I don't like it! Goes against everything I believe in.

Really? A stop sign?!

But I'll do it, 'cause you're a good kid.

And I had a nice day...

till you started yelling at me.

So sorry. Thank you.

Here you go.

You know, my wife was an alcoholic, too.

Okay. Let's just go vote.

That's veteran political reporter

Walter Shapiro.

Hi, everyone!

- Any news? - Not yet, not yet,

But even if I lose, at least now I know

I have a future in radio.

I couldn't. People need to see me.

Before we get the results, I just want to thank you all

for everything you've done for me.

Mitch and Cam, for campaigning for me all day

in your little Claire-mobile.

- It's the least we could do. - Yeah.


We probably did more for Hugh Jackman's career

than we did for Claire's.

And, Manny and Gloria,

thank you for making all those phone calls.

And, dad...

for all your support.

I don't think I convinced anyone to vote for Claire.

I don't think I even voted.

And my husband...

who drove around

I don't know how many senior citizens today to the polls.


And my beautiful children,

whose faith has given me the confidence

to believe that I can do this.

I can--oh.

- Somebody else answer it. I lost. - Mom. Mom.

- I can feel it. I-- - Mom.

You can do it. Mom. Answer the phone.


This is she.

Thanks so much for calling.


I have some bad news.

Because someone's gonna be busy now that she's a councilwoman?

No, no, I wasn't doing that fake thing.

- I really lost. I lost. - Ay, no.

I'm so sorry. But you know what?

We are still just so proud of you.

Yeah! I-- I don't know about you,

But, um... I could use a glass of wine.

Ohh. Now you're gonna hear her drunk voice.


You okay?

Yes. Fine. I'm good.

I'm fine. I'm not fine. I wanted to win,

And... and I'm so embarrassed.

I mean, everybody out here worked so hard for me,

and they believed in me,

and I let 'em down.

Oh, honey.

Oh, sweetheart.

Well, don't cry. I'm gonna be fine, sweetie.

Really, I am.

Just knowing you care so much makes me feel better.

No, I got four rejection letters

I never told you guys about.


I got rejected from U.C.S.B., Oregon, Wisconsin...

- Oh, no. - And Northwestern.

Well, we were overshooting on that one.

What about, uh...

It came today. My last chance.

I'm too scared to open it.

Whatever it says in there,

your father and I are crazy proud of you.


I did start trying this year.

I know you did. You did.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Neither do you.

It's a little bit different.

No, it's exactly the same.

Except you tried really hard the whole time,

not just at the end.

You're right.

It is the same.

We have nothing to be ashamed of...

So let's open that together.

Yeah, open it.

What? No! What are you doing here?

No. Come on, haley. We believe in you.

Do it!

You can always work for me.

Come on. You can do it. You can do this.

- Come on, Haley. - All right.

Open. Open, open, open.

"Dear Miss Dunphy,

We regret to inform you..."

Oh, honey.

"While we cannot offer you admission at this time,

"You are a promising candidate, and therefore

We would like to place you on our wait list!"

Oh, my god, I got wait-listed!

We will take it!


Congratulations! Congratulations!

Our daughter might be going to college!

Phil, look.

A stop sign.

It's addressed to you.

"Dear Claire, I won. You lost.

"Here's your stupid stop sign.

"Next time you think about bothering me,

"Please take its advice.

Your councilman, the honorable Duane Bailey."

Honey, you did it!

I did it.

I made our neighborhood a little bit safer.

I may have even saved life.

You idiot, there's stop sign! Can't you read?

we need speed bumps.

No, no. No! Honey!