Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Little Bo Bleep - full transcript

The family helps Claire prepare for her upcoming televised debate with Duane Bailey for the town council seat, but will they do more harm than good? Lily is going to be a precious flower girl for the first time, but the problem is she's just discovered her first expletive and Mitch and Cam don't know how best to deal with this new parenting test. And Jay is very concerned with Stella's recent strange behavior and puts the blame on Gloria.


Did you see it?

Does she know?

This is the last thing
she needs today.

No!

Busy day at the Dunphy compound. We have
a wedding tonight, and this afternoon,

Claire is debating Duane Bailey
in the race for town council.

And now the Weekly Saver says
that some voters find Claire,

quote, "Angry and unlikable."

To those voters I say,
wait till she sees this.

No one can mention it
to her.

We can't have some unscientific
poll shaking Claire's confidence.

Phil. What poll?

Too late.
She knows.

- Who told her?
- What is this, a witch hunt?

Oh, my God.

I have to go.

Well, I just don't think
it's a big deal.

I mean, how many people
read the Weekly-

Saver?
Saver anyway?

22,000-ish.

My company advert-

used to advertise
with that newspaper.

And how am I angry and unlikable?

Can I take this one?

I wouldn't.
You seem angry now.

I am angry- at that poll.

I think it's the yelling.
I would tone down the yelling.

Honey, I don't yell
for no reason.

You yelled at my teacher
for calling me special.

Honey, that was not
a compliment.

Sweetheart,
you're not unlikable.

Thank you.

You just seem unlikable.
But if we work on it,

it's totally fixable.
How? How?

Phil, how are we gonna
work on it?

First of all, lose the
snippy attitude. Mm-hmm.

Then, I don't know, maybe
we could have a mock debate.

Oh, good idea. That way Morn can
rehearse her views on the issues.

Yeah, and we can point out all the little
things she does that turn people off.

Like that look.
I would lose that look.

Spooky, but better.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

All right.
Thank you very much.

Hey, Lily.
Come here, honey.

Hi. Do you know what this is?

A box.
Containing?

She doesn't know "containing." Well, that's
how she learns new words- by us using them.

Or that's how we lower her self-esteem- by
bombarding her with confusing vocabulary.

What's the box containing?

Told you.
Okay. it's your dress.

It's finally here.
Ah!

It's every little girl's dream
to be a flower girl in a wedding.

It's Lily's chance to shine.

I was a three-time
ring bearer.

It's Lily's chance to shine.

Oh!

Pretty.

Oh, no. Cam, Cam.

She's gonna look like Little Bo Peep.
Or Little Bo Cheap.

Look at this fabric.
It's already pilling.

Maybe it'll look better on.

You mean ... turned on?

No, it does not. Cam!
Oh!

- I love it!
- No, you don't.

Oh, my gosh. Are we really
gonna let her wear this?

You know what? If the bride
wants to have a tacky wedding,

she can have a tacky wedding.

Lily will be the bright spot.
Literally.

Heard it as soon as
I said it.

Stella!

Where's my good girl?

Gloria, is Stella up there?

No. But I am.

Why don't you say hello
to your wife when you come home?

Well, why don't you greet me
at the door, wagging your tail?

Stella, honey, where are you?

Stella!

My baby!

Stella, I'm coming.
I'm coming.

Okay? You okay?

Why are you
swimming in your clothes?

Because I'm self-conscious about my body.
Stella fell in the pool.

It's my fault. I let her out, and
then I got caught up in my couponing.

Any coupons for swim lessons?
'Cause Stella needs some.

Seriously. Manny you teach to
swim by throwing him in the pool,

but the dog
gets swimming lessons?

I gotta say, it was
unpleasant but effective.

We have to teach Stella how to
swim, otherwise she could drown.

Why don't you teach her
not to jump in the pool?

She didn't jump in the pool.
She fell in the pool.

Why suddenly would she jump in the pool
when she doesn't know how to swim?

Why does she bark at the vacuum?

It's a thing. it's never
going to play with you.

Are you saying
that Stella is stupid?

Are you covering her ears? Let's
have a little compassion.

She's probably still traumatized
from her near-death experience.

Again? What's happening?

?Ay, no!

Welcome, candidates. Mrs. Dunphy.
Thank you for having me.

- And Councilman Bailey.
- Gosh, thank you so much, Alex.

I'm deeply honored to be here,
and I remain, as ever,

a humble servant to the greatest
little town in the greatest darn-

Eye rolling.

Playful eye rolling.

Uh, how do we, as voters, know it's playful?
I would avoid it.

Okay. No eye rolling.

And don't purse your lips like that.
It makes you look annoyed.

Mm-hmm.

And don't touch your face. Yeah,
no face touching. Seems nervous.

Some of this is subjective.

What? What now? Finger.

It looks like you're scolding us.

I will keep my hands
at my sides.

Not on your hips. You're not Superman.

Can we get started?
We haven't started?

- I've prepared some questions.
- Oh, goody. Actual questions.

Honk. Sarcasm.
Just go.

Okay, Mrs. Dunphy, why are you
running for local office?

Okay, that's, um-
that's good.

L, um-

Mom, you really shouldn't stutter
over a basic question like that.

You should at least
know why you're running.

I thought the moderator
was supposed to be objective.

Not if she's the only one in the room
who has actual debate experience.

- Now, why are you running?
- I saw the need for a stop sign-

Liar!
Phil.

I just think you should
be ready for anything.

I saw the need for a-

- What?
- Sorry. Accidental buzz.

I saw the need for a stop
sign in my neighborhood,

and although I collected
the necessary signatures ...

and did the paperwork, I found local
government to be entirely unhelpful.

What?
Too long. I'm bored.

Yeah, next question.
I feel like I'm in school.

Some say the political system
is bogged down ...

by ideological hard-liners unwilling
to compromise. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

How would you respond to that,
Councilman Bailey?

I would like to use
my lifeline.

I'll take this.
If elected,

I would consider
all perspectives,

and I would not ignore
opposing viewpoints.

Helicopter. Just keep going.

I would consider all
perspectives, and I wouldn't-

- You suck!
- Luke!

- You have to be ready for hecklers.
- He's right.

Mmm. Okay, I'm doing over.
No buzzing.

If elected, I-

What?
Too close to the mike.

Phil, it's a hairbrush.
Okay.

If elected, I would
consider all opinions ...

and not ignore those
of the opposition,

as Councilman Bailey
has done for six terms.

What? That
was a great answer.

Well, I couldn't hear it because you were
showing me the bad side of your face, so-

I have a bad side?
Yeah, the left.

- No, it's the right.
- Dad, it's totally the left.

- I mean, look at it.
- Sweetheart, why do you think I chose my side of the bed?

Okay, okay. Thank you.
Thank you, family.

This has been
super-duper helpful.

Hands, lips, sarcasm,

eye rolling,
wrong side of the face.

Oh, yeah. Now I see it.

Yeah.

She's ready.

And it's this, and it's this.

Not this, but this.

Okay.
Okay, that's good, Cam.

Save- Save some petals
for Lily, all right?

Let's do it over here, sweetheart.
Try, honey. Okay.

There you go. Like you're coming
down the aisle! Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Not too many at once.
You're doing great, Lil.

Oh, she is, isn't she?
Forget the bride.

All the eyes
are gonna be on her.

Oh-

I cannot believe you laughed!
I am sorry.

children cursing and old people rapping.

Cam, we have to tell her
it's a bad word. No.

That just gives it more power.
The less we make of it, the better.

Let's just pretend
like it never happened.

Okay, well, maybe it-
maybe it didn't.

Maybe we- Maybe we misheard.
Yeah.

Maybe she said "truck" ...

or- or "duck."

Or "luck."
She could've said "yuck."

Daddy, can I have
some ice cream?

No, honey, if you're hungry,
you can have some fruit.

Fruit-

Oh, God!

I have two children.

Phil. Phil,
is this televised?

I didn't tell you because I
didn't want to make you nervous.

Great plan. Really. Good plan, throwing
me for a curveball at the last minute.

Mom, chill. It's just public access.
Mm-hmm.

My debate team's on public access, and the
only people who watch me are you guys.

Yep, all the time.
So maybe nobody'll see this?

No, we want people to see this.
That's how you win elections.

That's the whole point.

Then Mom should do something
so crazy and stupid it goes viral.

- Mom, please don't go viral.
- Okay, I'll add that to my list of things not to do.

Don't touch my face,
don't roll my eyes,

don't point my fingers,
and definitely don't go viral.

Do any of you
still believe in me?

Of course we do.
We're on your side.

The right side,
not the left.

Let's grab a seat.

Here we go.

- Right. Not left.
- Okay. Mom, just be confident.

Based on what? I just lost a debate in my
living room, and people think I'm unlikable.

That's just the word men use for powerful
women because they feel threatened.

So just forget everything else
and be proud and powerful.

- How did you get so smart?
- I've always assumed adoption or baby switch.

- Mmm.
- Hey, hey. No kisses.

- Proud and powerful.
- Sorry.

And no apologizing. Yes.
Shut up and get in there.

That's more like it.
Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

- There she is. Go get 'em, Claire.
- Hi. Thanks.

Don't worry, we're going to cheer
for you, no matter what you say.

Oh, good. More support
from my loving family.

Honk. Sarcasm.
Why'd you bring Stella?

She keeps getting out
and jumping in the pool.

We don't want to take any
chances, because she can't swim.

Then why does she keep
jumping in the pool?

I've been thinking about it. I got a theory.
She might be suicidal.

What? That's crazy.

There's "not" such thing
as doggy suicide.

Hi. Duane Bailey. Uh, sorry. I
couldn't help but overhear.

In addition to being
a public servant,

I'm also an award-winning
breeder of Puggles.

I won the Puggly- twice.

And I'm afraid that doggy
suicide is all too real.

It's just the mainstream media
doesn't report on it ...

'cause it's not as sexy
as feline AIDS.

Stella is not suicidal.
She's just stupid.

Well, that might be
part of your problem.

She senses you don't like her.
You have no idea.

This one's been against this little
angel from the very beginning.

Yeah, well, dogs pick up on that.
You know, they're very sensitive.

I like to call them, um-
bottomless pits of need.

But not to their face though.
That would just destroy them.

- Not you.
- So now this is my fault?

I think he knows what he's talking about.
The man won a Puggly.

Two. I won two-
We're done here.

In two thousand-
Yeah.

Do you have any idea
what station this is on?

Oh, here, I'll look online.

It's a webcast? That would have been
helpful to know 900 channels ago.

No, it's on public access
or something.

I want to watch Aunt Claire.

Okay. Well, first, honey, we
need to talk about something.

It's about that word
you said this morning.

- What word?
- You know, the one that starts with

Flower?
No.

Fruit?
No.

If she doesn't remember it,
we shouldn't remind her.

Oh, well, she said it
three times.

Oh, you mean-

Cam, leave the room.

No. I can do this.

- Lily, that is a bad word.
- Bad word.

And you are not allowed
to say it ever.

- But it makes you laugh.
- Okay, well, Daddy shouldn't be laughing,

and you should never
say that word.

- Do you understand?
- Maybe.

Okay, this is not a game,
all right?

If you say that word one more time, I'm
gonna take away all your toys. I'm serious.

She knows I'm not serious.
What about the wedding?

What if she says it there?
She's like a ticking time bomb.

- What are we gonna do? Cancel?
- Yes. Maybe we just call and say ...

we're not going to any more weddings
until the gays can get married.

Oh, so now we're political.

We leave town on gay pride weekend
because we don't like the traffic.

But there's no substitute
for experience.

For example, I doubt
my opponent is familiar with ...

town ordinance 26-12B.

26-12B has to do
with noise pollution,

something, sir, that
you are guilty of right now.

Oh, no, she didn't!
Go, Mom!

- Ladies and gentlemen-
- Look at her eyes.

I know. They're a little too close together.
It's been bugging me for years.

No. She's in the zone.
She's ready for anything.

I do like to talk-
about the issues.

Uh, speaking of issues, your
husband seems to have some. Hmm.

I'm sorry?

Am not sorry.

- What?
- Oh.

Well, I wouldn't want to bring
it up, but since you ask, um,

in February of last year,
your husband,

one, uh, Phillip Dunphy,

was questioned
at a local hotel ...

for lewd
and lascivious conduct.

Oh, geez.

That's not true. Ma'am, according
to this police report,

he, uh, broke into
a stranger's room,

stripped naked and then posed
provocatively on the bed.

That is technically true.

But in all fairness,
it was Valentine's Day.

Oh, oh. I'm- I'm so sorry.
It was Valentine's Day.

I'm not sure if your husband was born in
this country- perhaps he snuck in illegally-

but here in America, we celebrate
Valentines Day with chocolates,

not our private parts.
Mmm.

This is my new favorite show.
Shh!

No, sir. He was looking
for me, his wife,

and he walked into
the wrong room.

If you believe that, I have some
talking Puggles I'd like to sell you.

Do you believe this?

Talking dogs?
I'm skeptical.

I won the Puggly- twice.
Be strong.

I am glad that my opponent
brought this up,

as I feel that it speaks to
his character more than mine.

I think that we should raise
the level of discourse ...

and get back to the issues that
the voters really care about.

When he was naked,
what were you wearing?

I don't think
that's relevant.

- Are you sex freaks?
- My personal life has nothing to do with this.

Uh-

My opponent
has brought this up ...

to distract
from his own record,

which shows that
in- in six years,

he has achieved nothing more
than writing one ordinance ...

that allows private parties
to have more than eight dogs.

- Hmm. Hmm. - it's like
watching the Hindenburg.

It's the most horrible thing
I've ever seen in my life.

Excuse me.
Stand by.

I am Phil Dunphy,
and I am not a pervert.

I, like a lot of men
in this town,

enjoy making love
to my wife.

I mean, uh-
I mean with their wives.

Not me. Them.

Look. I should probably just sit down
and say nothing, but it's too late.

I am standing,
and I'm obviously talking,

and now you're looking at me, and
I feel the need to keep going.

First of
all, no charges were filed.

Everyone had a good laugh-
about the situation.

Not- Not about me.
Everything's fine down there.

Anyhoo.

Where were we?

All over YouTube.

We went viral.
Some sick bastard Auto-Tuned me.

# I, like a lot of men in this town #

# I enhoy making love
to my wife- wife #

# And I don't know how to stop #

# I am a pervert
Pervert
Per- #

Jay, Manny, we should have
been there already.

Gloria, I'm tying my tie!

I'm accessorizing.

And I thought I was the woman.

The door!

?Ay!
Stella, no, no!

?Ay, no, no!
Stella, don't do it.

Don't kill yourself. You are a
perfectly fine dog. I don't hate you.

Stella, okay, I was a little mean to you,
but that's no reason to kill yourself.

You are young. You still
have so much left to smell.

?Ay!

I-I go! I'm coming!

I'm- Manny!

?Ay! Come on, Stella!

What happened?
Are you okay?

She did it again.

And you jumped in
to save her.

No, Jay. I wanted to take a little
swim before going to the wedding.

Get her a towel.
She's shaking like a leaf.

Oh, no, no.
I meant- I meant-

Thank you, Jay.
The dog towel for me.

For the wife.

- Hi.
- Hey, guys. Hi.

Hi. Hey, what's shakin'?
What's cookin'?

You saw the debate,
didn't you?

The de-what?
No, that wasn't-

Was that on today? That was today.
Oh, I didn't remember.

You are the worst liars.

It was phenomenal television.

Oh, Lily.

What a ... dress.

Oh, well.
You ain't seen nothin' yet.

How 'bout there?

- Wow.
- Yikes.

- She looks like a Lite-Brite.
- Luke, honey.

Lily, sweetie, are you
excited to be a flower girl?

Yeah?
You a little bit nervous?

Yeah?

Why isn't she talking to me?
Did she see the debate too?

Nope, she's on verbal lockdown.
Oh.

She's been dropping
a certain curse word all day.

Yeah. Yeah, so we're just hoping the next
one doesn't happen during the wedding.

If it does, it'll be the second most embarrassing
thing to happen to our family today.

Phil, you said
it wasn't that bad.

That was in the car. We're
in a church now. Honey.

Somebody turn her off.
I think I'm having a seizure.

Oh, buddy. Oh. Yeah.

Oh, good. I thought that we
were going to miss Lily.

Ships at sea wouldn't miss Lily.
Where have you guys been?

I had to jump in the pool
to save that stupid dog.

Who she loves.
Ay-

That I didn't let her drown
doesn't mean that I love her.

I barely got Manny back in the
pool after that possum incident.

I thought it drowned, but turns
out it was just playing possum.

Yes, papi.

Good job.

You know what the
worst part of today was?

I imagine
it's hard to choose.

When everything
was melting down,

I realized I had an answer to
your question- why I was running.

I wanted to make my family proud,
and I did the exact opposite.

No. No, I did. I totally
embarrassed you.

No. No, Dad
embarrassed me.

I was proud of you.

I think it's cool you're
running for local office.

I mean, it's totally nerdy,
and that's kind of my thing.

Mmm. Maybe
it's kind of our thing.

Someday I'll
walk you down the aisle.

If you're not in perv jail.

Please be seated.

Friends, family,
thank you for-

Really? Well, you know
I cry at weddings.

Oh, no. What?

Stop. Stop crying. Just because you have
ice water in your veins doesn't mean-

No, no, Lily.

No, Lily.
He's fine.

Daddy's not sad.
Daddy, Daddy.

See? I told you it was funny.

There, that oughta do it.

Go on, you little motorboat.

Ah, look at her go.

Where's she goin'? Ah, geez.

I think she's tryin' to get
herself sucked into the filter.

What'd you say to her?

I didn't say anything.

Wait a second.

Jay, look!

See?

She was not trying
to kill herself.

She was just trying to get
to the squeaky wiener.

That must be why
she's been jumping in.

It must have been there
all the time. That's hilarious.

?Ay, s?!

No, it's not!
Not now.

I'm saying it will be.

Later.

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