Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 14 - Me? Jealous? - full transcript

Phil woos a potential client, Tad, who turns out to be a lingering kisser, which disturbs Claire. While spending three days together under the same roof, Cameron and Gloria get on each other's nerves. Mitchell has a work meeting with a deejay that Jay admires. And Haley annoys her siblings while mentoring a 'little sister'.


Oh, I hope Tad likes salmon.

It's a bit of a risk
serving fish ...

to a first-time diner
at Dunphy's.

Maybe I should marinate
a steak for backup.

I think someone
has a man crush.

First of all, I would never
date a potential client.

That's first of all.

Secondly, I really need this to go
well so he makes me his Realtor.

This guy's flippin' properties like
they're extras in a kung fu movie.

So you're just kissing up
to this guy for his money.

Not just.
I really like him.

He travels the world doing charity
work, rock climbs, flies planes.

How does he have time
to do all that?

Got divorced
and his whole life opened up.

Guy's livin' the dream.

His dream. Not my dream.

I'm living my dream.

You're my dream.
You can stop.

I so don't want to do this.

Recently, Haley got a little creative
on one of her college applications ...

and listed herself
as a Big Sister.

Technically,
I am a big sister.

She capitalized
the "B" and the

Which makes sense,
'cause it was.

So Claire and I
suggested that- Forced.

That she volunteer
for the organization.

We couldn't be prouder.

We could. A little bit.

Hey, Dad, did you
accidentally leave ...

this hilarious book of lawyer
jokes in the guest room?

I'll tell you if you can
answer the following question:

What's the difference between
a catfish and a lawyer?

I don't know. What?

Well, one's
a bottom-feeding mud dweller.

The other's a fish.

Zing! Aaah.

Okay, everyone, dinner is served.
Let's get it.

Our house is being fumigated,
so Jay and Gloria ...

invited us to stay here
for a few days.

I'm very excited to have 72 hours
with this one.

We don't get to spend
much time together,

so I know that we're
gonna be like, um- um-

Fred and Ginger? Who?

Movie night!

It's noisier than usual
around here.

Oh, gosh.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

Tad, this wine is fantastic.

Spend a week in Mendoza,

and you'll find a dozen
or so Malbec producers ...

that'll give most Bordeaux a
real run for their money. Hmm.

I'm sorry.

"May cause pretentiousness."

"May be fascinating."

Oh!
Oh, gosh.

Oh, that's like the ninth time
this screw has popped out.

Oh, you know what? I need the angled screwdriver.
I left it at the office.

I, um- I keep it there
because of all my signs.

I'll, uh, put up
a "for sale" sign,

and next day, of course, I gotta
put up that "sold" banner. Yeah.

Then next day, same deal.

For sale, sold. Mm-hmm.

For sale, sold. For sale, sold.
Great, great salesman.

I'm getting that.
For sale, sold.

Right. Listen, I gotta
go relieve the babysitter.

My ex-wife took 50% of my stuff
and left me 100% of my kids.

They're great.

Hey, listen, um, thank you
so much for coming. Yeah.

Oh, no, thank you, Phil,
so much for the salmon ...

and the steak and the
chicken and the shrimp.

I mean, it was all just delicious.
Great.

This guy is very lucky
to have you. Oh.

Okay. Thanks.
Yeah.

All right.

Let me grab that.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

- Did you see that?
- A handshake that almost became a hug?

Yeah, I saw it. I lived it.
I think I'm in.

No, honey.
He kissed me on the lips.

Another good sign!
it's not a good sign.

Sweetie, you don't think
that's weird?

The guy's a world traveler. He
has a time-share in Costa Rica.

That's probably
how they do it there.

Oh, no, honey.
it felt like he lingered.

It's a progressive culture.

Most of 'em travel
by zip line.

Mmm.

Biscuits and gravy?

Yep. My grandma Bitsy's secret
recipe, given to her ...

by her housekeeper, Delilah, who
raised her and was her best friend.

Kind of like The Help,
except Delilah was white,

and was actually herself
quite the racist.

Eat up.

Good morning!

Hi, Mom.
Hi, sweetheart.

Ah. Where did those come from?

- Yeah, I thought amaryllis were out of season.
- Oh, I got a guy.

You know, I just thought they'd
brighten up the house a little bit.

Oh, that was so thoughtful
of you.

I didn't realize that my house
needed brightening up.

There she is!

Gloria, Gloria!
?Ay!

Let me fix your hair.

Oh, well, isn't that sweet.

I didn't realize
her hair was broken.

Oh, that smells delicious,
but nothing for me.

I've got
an early work lunch.

Really? I didn't hear an ambulance.

Yeah, it's funny because it's
what I've dedicated my life to.

Oh, is this that meeting with
the deejay with the funny name?

- Booker Bell.
- Booker Bell.

- Booker Bell?
- Everybody now!

Booker Bell was only
the greatest deejay ...

in the history
of drive time radio.

Yeah, well, now he has some
wetlands that developers want,

and we're trying to get him
to donate for preservation.

When I was on the road selling,
I used to listen to Booker all the time.

He practically invented
the prank phone call.

Okay. Wish me luck. Good luck, sweetie.

Booker would play a prank, the sucker
would be twisting in the wind,

and just when you couldn't
stand it anymore,

he'd say, "Guess who just got
their Bell rung?"

God, I'd love to meet him.

Oh, they're just goin' down to Ray's.
You should pop down.

I'm sure he'd love to meet a fan.
I don't know.

I met Boz Scaggs once. Got all tongue-tied.
Oh, you'll be fine.

Oh- Oh, Lily,
it's time for school, sweetie.

Oh, I can take her.
Yay! Yay!

Oh. That'd be great.

Yeah, that'd give me some more
time to clean the kitchen.

Maybe do a little dusting.

- Delicious, Cam.
- Mm-hmm.

Annie was amazing.

So funny and cute and sweet.

- Yeah, you've said.
- She made this for me last night.

Look how she signs her name ...

with that big loopy

I'm totally going to frame this.

I made this for Haley
four years ago.

You think this got framed?

She tossed it
in the garbage-

right after she wrote "Mrs. Haley Jonas
Brothers" on it, like, 30 times.

The tax write-off alone
makes financial sense,

you know, even if you take
the environment out of it.

Well, don't take
the environment out of it.

Without the wetlands,
there's no ducks.

Without the ducks, there's
nothing for me to shoot at.

Okay, well, we're shootin'
from two different angles,

but, uh, hopefully we'll
end up at the same place.

Mitch.
Dad.

I just had to stop down
and meet this guy.

Booker Bell,
I'm Boz Scaggs-

No, I mean- Jay
Pritchett, damn it!

- It's nice to meet you.
- This is such an honor.

- You are hands-down my favorite radio personality of all time.
- That's kind of you to say.

Okay. Well, thanks
for stopping by, Dad.

I gotta tell you one thing.
I'll see you back at the house.

One time, when I was driving
from Youngstown to Sugar Creek,

you called this guy
at a kitty litter company ...

and you asked him to bring
over 900 pounds of litter.

And in the background, you heard
all these lions roarin' and-

L- I laughed so hard,
I almost had an accident.

The car or you?

Funny as ever.
Anyway-

Hey, are you still in touch
with the old gang?

Grandma Groovy?
Spaceman Clyde?

- Are you kiddin'? I am the old gang.
- No way.

I may be old,
but I still know how to boogie.

My God, it's like she's here!

She is here.

How are you still not getting this?

That's her.
Excuse me for a second.

What are you doing?
What? I'm a fan.

I came down to say hi.
This is a business meeting.

Do you have any idea
how inappropriate this is?

No. No, of course you don't, because
as far as you're concerned,

all a lawyer does is walk into a
bar with a rabbi and a polar bear.

Grizzly, 'cause otherwise, when the
bartender says- Dad, I'm working!

You're embarrassing both of us.
Please, you gotta go.

All right, I didn't realize that.
Yeah. Yeah, you didn't.

I'm sorry. Go.

Hey.

Hey, where's my stalker? Oh, he's gone.
Got rid of him.

Sorry that
he attacked you like that.

Attacked? Nah. I don't mind a
little smoke up my bloomers.

Well, I just thought since
this was a business meeting-

And you thought maybe having somebody
make me feel good would wreck it?

There's-There's been a lot of
tension between me and my dad.

I'm actually staying
at his house, and it's just-

Oh, so you chased away
a man who's opened his home to you.

I get the sense
that I'm losing you.

Could I talk
to Grandma Groovy?

Honey, I'm home.

Well, I didn't expect you
so early, dear.

What? You?

Yeah, look who came by
to fix the table.

Well, I had some time
to kill,

so I thought I'd drop by with
that tool your wife needed. Mmm.

- Wow. What a guy.
- Mm-hmm. He also brought some wine.

Well, you said you liked it
last night,

so I had a couple
extra bottles lyin' around-

Boy, do you know the way to this gal's heart

I didn't just come here to fix your
table and get your wife drunk.

I actually decided to give you that
listing on the Sycamore property.

- Really? That's great.
- Yeah.

Why don't you come over
for dinner tonight ...

and, uh, we'll work out all
the details- One entr?e.

Okay.
Claire, you should come too.

Oh, no, no. No, no. If it's
business, I'm- I insist.

He insists. We'll be there.
We're coming.

Shall we say, uh, 7:00?

7:00 sounds great.
Okay.

All right.

I'll let myself out.
Okay.

Wow.

Wow is right.

Mm-hmm.
I just got Sycamore,

a house that sells itself
and gives me the commission.

How does that not bother you?

Claire, it's an expression.

There's work.
Inspections, appraisals-

He brought me wine. He took his
shirt off when you weren't here.

Um, he brought us wine, and it doesn't
look super-vacuumed down there.

I'm surprised
he kept his pants on.

Okay. Okay. I can see
what's going on.

You're just so focused
on getting his business ...

that you don't see what's
going on in front of you.

Okay. Now I do see what's going on.
What?

Come here, pretty girl.
What?

You are, you know.
You don't hear it enough.

The other night, when you put on
makeup, I was like, "There she is."

Oh, my God.

You think I'm making this up
as some part of an ego boost?

Do you realize
how insulting that is?

What are you doing?

Helping my little sister
with her homework.

That seems ... mean.

Annie, this is Alex- that other
sister I was telling you about.

Hi. So nice to meet you.

Um, if you're going
to study there,

you might need to correct
numbers seven through 10.

This bed has higher standards
than that bed.

I'm going to get
some more lemonade.

I think your sister's mad
at our sister.

- We're back!
- Oh, well, there you are.

I guess "lunch, then home" means
different things to different people.

We had a girls' day.

Lily, Lily, come. Show
your papa what we bought.

Matching jackets!

It's like she's the baby
leopard and I'm the mama.

Or they just happened to have two
jackets, one large, one small.

What happened here?
Where is my tea?

Oh, it's in this drawer
over here.

As a thank-you,
I took some time ...

to rearrange your kitchen
so it makes sense.

To who?

To everyone. There's a flow now.
Watch.

Tea, mug, kettle.

You're welcome.
I didn't thank you.

You don't have to.
I won't.

Cam, our shared bathroom is not the place
to work out whatever's going on here.

I'm a child of divorce.

Conflict resolution
is something of a specialty.

The key is, tell a personal story
that applies to their situation,

even if you have to
make one up.

That way, they really hear
what they need to hear.

I'm sorry. You're right.

No. I'm sorry I snapped.

I'm just going through some stuff
with this girl I like, Danielle.

She came over the other day,
and Stella was all over her,

and I got jealous,
which is crazy, right?

I mean, Stella was only playing
with her because she was new.

Manny, sounds like Danielle was trying
to get between you and your puppy,

and that ain't cool.

She seems immature,
and you can do better.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm goin'
through somethin' myself right now.

So chin up. Okay.

It may not work every time, but
you only need one fish to bite.

Who is this Danielle?

She's my study partner in my history
class, and we share a notebook.

But her notes are really
confusing, so I put them in order.

Instead of thanking me
for making our lives easier,

she got all mad because she
thought I was judging her.

This girl
is very bad news, Manny.

You stay away from her.

Hey.
Hi.

We're Phil and Claire.
Hey. I'm Tony.

Come on in. I'll go get my dad.
Okay.

Great. Thanks.

Wow. I don't like the way
that kid was looking at you.

We are not friends right now. I am only
here to help pump up the college fund.

Claire, if Tad even makes a move
towards you, his ass is grass.

Really?
I thought that was just my ego.

So far, yeah, but just know
I'm ready to grass his ass.

Hey, hey, hey, guys.
Oh, hey.

Hey, how are you?
Good, good.

Good to see you.
Yeah.

Hi. That's good.

Well, I love the place.
Did you remodel this?

Uh, actually, my ex-wife. She had a,
uh, passion for modern architecture ...

and at least one
modern architect.

I have
to sell this one next.

Really?
Wow. I love how open it is.

Do you mind if I poke around?
Yeah.

It's beautiful.
All right. Thanks.

Tad, if you don't need my help
anymore with the kids,

I'll be going.
Thank you so much, Ellen.

You're welcome. Mmm. Okay,
we'll see you later.

I saw this house
eight years ago.

There used to be a wall here, right?
That's right. That's right.

That was all covered.
Yeah. I'm a detail guy.

Hard to get much past me.

Hello, hello.
Hey, how are you?

Good, Tad.
How you doing?

Bye, Daddy.
Bye, sweetie.

Bye, Dad.
Have fun.

Okay. See you later.
All right, bye.

Come on, guys. Let's go. Bye.

These stairs used
to be teak, am I right?

This guy's good.
Yeah. He's good.

He's sharp.
I forgot my bag.

You do that every time.

Yeah.

I don't miss much.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you trying to read?

You're the one
who tries to read.

Oh, my gosh!
I am not that stupid!

Seriously, Haley, you think you
are the coolest person ever.

Stop just judging me
about everything that I do!

Enough! Enough!

I am so sick of you two
fighting all the time.

You're a bad big sister,
and you're a bad little sister.

And you're both
bad big sisters to me.

Be normaler.

Wow. I've never
seen him like that.

Well, we do kind of neglect him.

And if you think about it,
he is kind of our little sister.

Remember how we used
to dress him up?

I miss her.

I hear you, and I don't
like where this is going.

You get the lipstick. I'll get
the bra and tennis balls.

Betty Luke!

I will burn this house down!

Where is the cheese grater?

Where is the cutting board?

Where would you want it to be?

Yes, right here,
next to the cheese grater.

I know it's hard to tell
by looking at me,

but I am not
a natural homemaker.

So when Cam came
and organized my kitchen,

I felt insecure
and lashed out.

In a way, I'm no better than
Manny's crazy friend Danielle.

Can we just focus on the cooking?

Daddy, we forgot
to give you this.

It's like our jackets.

I love it.

I guess I've always been a little
sensitive about Lily not having a mother,

and Gloria's so good at it.

I got jealous.

Maybe I should tell Manny
this story.

It might help him with that
train wreck, Danielle.

You know what? Why don't you
turn that music back on?

It was kind of nice.

Hey, Dad? Don't need
to talk about it.

I was out of line comin' down there.
It won't happen again.

- Scotch is at the bar.
- No, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

- I guess we're gonna talk about it.
- I was rude to you.

I think I was just annoyed
by all the lawyerjokes.

I mean, let's be honest.

You don't exactly beam with pride
over what I do for a living.

Mockery is the sincerest form
of flattery.

I'm pretty sure that's
not the saying, but-

Um, you know, Manny told me a
story about his friend Danielle.

Whew. She sounds like a real
piece of work, by the way.

But, uh, it made me realize that I
take myself a little too seriously.

Listen,
it goes without saying ...

I've always been proud of you, and
I brag about you all the time.

So if I say, "What do lawyers
use as birth control?",

and the answer is,
"Their personalities,"

I want you to know
I'm not referring to you.

You don't need
any birth control.

Hello.

Yeah, this is Jay Pritchett.

- What? When?
- What happened?

It's the police.
My car got stolen.

Yeah, 2012. Gray.

No, not pewter.
More like a light- like a-

No, not slate. Um-

I don't even know
what Coastal Fog is.

Just put down gray.

Kilo? That's not my car.

Yeah, she's Colombian.
What does that have to do with-

No, I'm comin' down there.
Hang on.

Grab your keys.
I think I might need a lawyer.

Guess who
just got his Bell rung?

That's good.
It's good.

Here you go.
Have a seat.

I got a bottle of port
from 1899.

Whoa.
Wow.

Okay, I got it for 18.99,
but it's a good one.

Fun night, right?
Yes.

Great dinner.
Yes.

And Tad is great,

and I know I was giving
you a hard time- Hey.

Hey, hey, Claire. but I feel like
I should say that I'm sorry.

You don't need to explain.

Your apology
is apology enough-.

Oh, I forgot the best part
of the Costa Rica story.

So we get home, and they've
taken over the living room.

They've taken over the kitchen.

I mean, they're in the food.
They're on the bed.

And finally, after two years of
complaining to Diego about this,

he finally stops and says,

"Okay, now I see it. You
do have a monkey problem."

A monkey problem! Yeah, I
heard him the first time.

You can kiss my wife, you can take her
to bed, but you cannot make her laugh.

I want to go back.

You can kiss my wife,

but only I can take her to bed
and make her laugh.

I want to go back.

Only I can take my wife
to bed, comma,

and make her laugh.

I mean,
they were in everything.

The only thing they didn't
the bananas.

Monkeys love bananas!

You would think they would love the bananas!
Yeah, we should go.

They'd want the bananas. Yeah, we need to go.
We gotta get goin'.

Oh, no, no, no.
Yeah, we're late.

But we just opened the- We're
late for getting home.

We're having-
Let's go.

Okay. Okay.

What is wrong with you?

You laughed like it was
"Who's on first?" What?

He's on second.
Don't try to cheer me up.

I know what's going on here.
You're jealous.

Of him?
Uh-huh.

He's not even funny. What's he
got, like a soft 10 minutes?

And he goes to the Costa Rican well
a little too much for my taste.

Oh, God.

Really? This is still about the monkeys?
No, no, no, no.

It's you. You are making
me so happy right now.

You stormed out of there, and
you're acting like an idiot.

You like this? Because I'm
really uncomfortable.

Honey, I love it.

Makes me feel special.

Sometimes I really don't
understand you.

I know it's stupid,

but it's nice to know that
sometimes you'll fight for me,

and all I have to do is laugh
at some other guy's story.

But no one makes me laugh
like you do.

As long as it's always genuine.
Mm-hmm.

You can fake anything you want
with me, but not your laugh.

I'd like to go back.
Yeah.

Stop it! Leave me alone!

- Oh, hold still!
- Stop moving!

I hate you! Get off me!

What is going on?

You guys are in a lot
of trouble.

Haley, I told you
to clean this mess up.

And, Alex,
your books are everywhere.

Betty Luke, sit down
while your dad gets the camera.

Got it.

Last time,
you made a funny face ...

and we didn't really get
a good shot,

so let's work on our smile.

Okay. Good to see you,
Betty Luke.

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