Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 12 - Egg Drop - full transcript

Luke and Manny have a big school project to design the best capsule that would protect an egg in a two-story drop, but when Claire and Jay catch wind of it, their own competitive drives kick in... and eventually take over. Meanwhile, Phil solicits the help of Haley and Gloria to sit as plants in the audience during a huge real estate presentation he has put together, and Mitch and Cam meet with prospective birth mothers and must try their very best to be charming and likeable.

So the five keys

to investing wisely in a down
real estate market are...

Keyp your cool...

Keyp informed...


I recently became a partner
in a new agency,

so I put together a seminar

to recruit first-time
home buyers.

I want to give 'em
a step-by-step description

of exactly what
I can do for them.

Am I worried that
they might write it all down

and just do it themselves?

Quite frankly, I hadn't thought
about it until just now.

Do I really have
to go to this thing?

Yes. You're a big part of today.

You're my support staff.

Then why am I not getting paid?

That is a good question.

And I think I'm gonna
text you the answer

on that cell phone we pay for.

Honey, do you wanna
practice your part again?

Uh, no. It's just one question.
I think I got it.

Yeah, but it's the most
important question

because it launches me
into my big finish.

- Yes.
- That way, people leave excited.

Oh, I think people
will be excited to leave.



I'm sorry. It's for school.

I have to design a container
that'll protect an egg

in a 1-story drop.

Yeah, so, um,

you thought you would go
with an egg carton?

What if the best idea was
under my nose the whole time?

You're gonna need to come down
and clean this up now.

Ugh! I wouldn't have
to do any of this

if Alex would just
let me use hers

- from when she took the class.
- Never.

That design is
my intellectual property.

I think it has applications
for unmanned space flight.

Keep talking like that

and you'll go
through life unmanned.

- Funny.
- Girls.

Luke, honey, listen to me.

You're gonna need to do
this project on your own.

And you can do it.
Just... really think.

I've got it!

What if I'm the container?

There's a thought.
You could be...

No, Luke! Luke!

Sync by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg


Okay, si, te quiero.
Mwah, mwah, mwah!

I understood "crazy old witch,"

"go kill yourself,"
then "I love you."

I'll never get this,
how you all yell at each other.

That's how you know
that your family loves you--

when they feel free
to scream at you.

Oh, I guess I owe
my ex-wife an apology.

Apparently, she was nuts ab.

Darn it!

Try the next one
over a frying pan.

I could use some breakfast.

This is so frustrating.

At least you're getting
your hands dirty for a change.

It is a nice break

- from the life of the mind I usually live.
- That's the spirit.

Plus it's a metaphor
for the human condition.

Aren't we al just fragile eggs

hiding behind
bubble wrap and bravado?

And we're back.

Well, I'm sure that
your egg-droppy thing

is going to be
the best in the class.

Hmm. Except for Luke's.

Really? Our Luke?

But isn't he, like, a little, like...

I bet Claire's gonna help him,

just like she did with
his self-portrait for art class.

There was life in those eyes.

It was haunting.

Tell you what.
I'm gonna nip this in the bud.

You deserve a fighting chance.

Hey, I'm calling about that, uh,
egg project the boys are doing.

Parents aren't supposed
to help out on that, right?

Why would the parents be helping?

Why do they cut grapes
for 8-year-olds?

I figure if you can
eat a chicken finger,

you can tear your way
through a grape.

Again, dad?

Oh, I'm sorry, it just...

bugs me, is all.

The point is, I'm not helping,

and I hope no one else
is helping, either.

Okay, dad.
Thanks for the heads-up.

Love you. Bye-bye.

Well, my dad is doing
Manny's project for him.

He called to tell you that?

Oh, no. He called
to tell me that he wasn't,

which is exactly what
you say when you are,

but you don't want
anybody to suspect it.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

What would you say if you had
issues with your father?

Claire and Jay
are incredibly competitive.

Tennis games, card games,

Who knows why?

Claire is the son
that my dad never had.

I mean, he just wanted someone
to throw a ball in the backyard.

I did once, but...

he did not attend.

Looks like fun.

It was, but now it's hard.

Oh, I'm sure you're
gonna do great, buddy...

- Eee...
- Claire?

Uh, I am just showing interest

in our son's project,
which any parent would--

Think! Think... to do.
Thinking... I am,

that maybe I should stay here

in case Luke has any questions.

Do you think you can
find somebody else

to help you with your seminar?

I don't know.
That's a little last-minute.

You're kind of irreplaceable.

Well, I mean,
it's just one question,

and the seminar
isn't for a few hours...

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hey, Gloria? Quick favor.

Okay. See you there. Bye-bye.

What was that?


He needs help with
a seminar that he's giving.

Why can't Claire help him?

- He didn't say.
- I'll tell you why--

because she's knee-deep
in Luke's egg drop project.

She said that she
was not going to help.

That's exactly what
I would say to me

if I was helping my kid
and didn't want me to know.

Why would you be talking to you?

I'm just saying
it's unfair to Manny.

The kid doesn't
stand a chance on his own.

I'm tagging in here.

Jay, he doesn't
need you to baby him.

I'm just gonna give him a few tips.

Kid, get yourself a snack.

Okay, I'll cut him some grapes.

Damn it!

Not like that, Jay.

Like this. Look.

It just irritates me,
you know what I mean?

We're meeting with
prospective birth mothers.

We've had a few
of these meetings,

and they're very nerve-racking.

You want to look good,

you want to make
a good first impression--

kind of like a first date.

Actually, it's--it's
the opposite of a first date.

You don't wanna have sex,
but you do want a baby.

I have to say,
Lily is adorable,

and such a good eater.

Oh, not all the time.

She just happens
to love my tuna salad.

Dolphin safe, of course.

Oh, who cares about that?

Well, I bet the dolphins do.

It's okay to eat tuna,
but not dolphin?

My theory is, a fish is a fish.

- Mm.
- Well...

A dolphin's actually
a mammal, so...

Eh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.

More like tomato, cow.

Mitchell, can you help me
with the scones in the kitchen?


Excuse us.

Okay, this is not really
about the scones.

Oh, really? You didn't need
help carrying six scones?

No, this is about
your need to correct

everyone's every little mistake.

I am sorry.

I thought that she could
use a basic biology lesson.

Well, let me give you
a basic biology lesson--

you and I can't make a baby.

So if she points to a lamp
and calls it "Uncle George,"

what are you gonna say?

"Pleased to meet you,
Uncle George."

Very good.
Now let's get out there,

smile, nod, and
get ourselves a baby.


And those are your five keys.

Now if there are
no more questions...

Ah, yes, the lovely
home buyer right here

on the edge of her seat.

I was wondering...

I was wondering,

is there a sixth key?

As a matter of fact,

there is.

We'll work on that.

It's the key to the new home
you've purchased below market

thanks to Woosnum,
Keneally, and Dunphy.


Fire the confetti cannon,
drop the banner,

autographs, autographs, autographs,

and we're done.

We still have, like, an hour left.

Can I go shopping?

No. I-I have vocal exercises to do,

and I need you to do
a sound check for me.

Ay, I was hoping we could
go to my hair salon.

It's nearby. I didn't have time
to finish my hair this morning.

Really? That just happens?

Ooh, and I can get my nails done.

Is it okay?

Okay. Sure.

Oh, oh! Could one of you guys

stick this under a chair
on your way out?

One of the lucky attendees
is going home

with a brand-new mouse pad.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

I don't wanna see which chair.

I wanna be blown away
like everyone else.

Yes. Now that is feng shui.

Doesn't that feel better?

Oh, yes.
This is wonderful for conversation.

Yes, this is nice.

It gives the room a nice flow,

which I'm really liking.

Sometimes, your furniture
tells you where it wants to be.


Do you mind if
I use your restroom?

Not at all. It's--
it's just down the hall.

Just be warned--
there's some furniture in there

that kind of likes where it is!

Okay, I know it's killing you
to do this whole song and dance,

but I think it's going great.

Cam, there's a limit, okay?

We already promised her
that we would show her son

all 52 states.

Oh, wow, you have a keyboard.

Oh, yes. That's mine.

You're musical. I love that.

It's very important to me.

Oh, well, you're
preaching to the choir.

Literally. I've sung in several.

Yeah, we sing to Lily...

All of the time. Mm.

I wish I could hear you guys.

Oh, well, that's very sweet.

No, now.

The baby's father is a musician,

and I would love to know
that he's growing up

in a musical household.

- Okay.
- Great.

Okay. Now we are actually
doing a song and dance.

Okay, well, look at it this way--

we're not only adopting a baby,

we're saving it from a life spent

searching for east Dakota.

Oh, God.

This is actually nice.

This is actually
very nice to lean on.


It broke again.

Mm. Yes, I saw.

We'll just need
to double up on the cotton.

Here, let me save you a step.


Knock, knock!

Dad! Hey!
What are you doing here?

Manny needs that
soldering iron I lent to Phil.

One of the screws on his project
keeps coming loose.

Other than that, it's flawless.

Huh. His latest test run,
he dropped it off the roof,

he walked downstairs,
it hadn't landed yet.

I had nothing.
I had to get in Claire's head.

Sometimes the best thing
to do in race to the top...

is grease the pole behind you.

Wow. So Manny's still working?

Luke finished a couple hours ago.

Is that why all these
eggs are on the floor?

Oh, well, you know,
after so many landed safely,

we thought we should test 'em,

make sure we weren't working
with a super strong batch.

Sounds like you knocked it
out of the park.

We did.

Um, so dad, if I find out what
Phil did with that soldering iron,

I'll run it over.

Great. 'Cause, uh,

we're gonna test it
later today at the school.

Fun. Maybe we'll meet you.

We can come anytime, right?

'Cause we don't have a--
a spring problem.



Okay. Bear with us.
We're a little rusty.

Yes, and please put
all cell phones on vibrate.

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ I couldn't if I tried ♪

♪ Honey, if I get restless ♪

♪ Baby, you're not that kind? ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ When I was down ♪

♪ I was your clown ♪

I really am a clown.

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I gave you my heart ♪

♪ So don't go breaking my heart ♪

♪ I won't go breaking your heart ♪

♪ Don't go breaking my ♪

♪ Don't go breaking my heart ♪
- Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.
- It was wonderful.

Oh. I'm confused, though.

I thought Cameron was the singer.

Yeah. Oh...

Yes, yes, I am.

Really? Because Mitchell
has such a lovely voice.

Well, I think he was
following my lead.

You know, a good leader
can make all the difference.

Actually, you were a little pitchy.

But it was terrific, really.

Thank you.

Yes. Thank you for your opinion.

Faster! Faster! We're going
to be late to your father.

Why did you have
to do your toes, too?

Well, there's this really
cute boy at school

who's kinda into my feet.

Be careful. That can
get really creepy fast.

Ay. Where is the car?
I parked it here!

It's a tow zone.

Somebody just put that there,

because that wasn't here
when I parked!

It looks pretty old to me.

Haley, don't lie.
That was not here!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Get ready for one of the giants

of residential real estate...

A salesman's salesman...

Where are you guys?
I've been calling you!

A realtor's realtor...

You were supposed to do my intro.
Now I have to.

2-time nonconsecutive winner

of the realtor of the year award...

Just get back here by the end.

Future investors,

stop making excuses!

And start...
making your dreams come true!

Ladies and gentlemen, Phil Dunphy!


How are you?

Thanks, Mike. I appreciate it.



You see?
They don't stop because I'm latina.

Or because that
was just a yellow car.

My dad is gonna freak out.

You have to take
the blame for this.

Why me?

Oh, because he'll never
get mad at you.

He totally puts
you on a pedestal.

That's not true.

Yeah, it is.

Let me just call the cab company.


It's not rocket science, people,
it's just a little red card.

Okay. I guess nobody
needs a mouse pad.

How's my favorite kid doing?


Yeah, I know, we're not
supposed to have favorites.

But you know what? We do.

And the good news is, it's you.

I'm not giving you my design.

Who said anything about giving?

We can work out an arrangement.

It's cheating.

What do you want? Money?

I got a little something set aside.

Okay. I shouldn't even be
giving you this hint, but...

first get a mirror.

A mirror?

Then you're gonna look in it,

and you're gonna see
a crazy woman.

She needs your help.

You know, I made
the egg that made you,

that made that project,

so in a lot of ways,
that design is already mine!

Oh, you're fine.

Are you sure that
there are no more questions?

- No more questions?
- Yes!

If we could just get that over
to the mustachioed gentleman.

Yes, I was--

Oh, hey, I think we're
all tired of that sound.

Let me just come to you.

I bet I know what your question is.

You're probably wondering

if there's sixth key.

No, I was wondering about--

I was wondering
about accelerated escrow.

If it works for both parties,

it's a great way
to expedite the deal.

But back to your first question

about this mysterious sixth key.

- I didn't say anything--
- The sixth key is the key

to the new home that
you purchased below market

using the simple principles
that you learned here today...

But not so simple
that you don't still need

the professional services
of Woosnum, Keneally...

and Dunphy!

Thank you for coming.

Son of a--

So, is there anything
you want to know about us?

I don't think so.

In fact I don't think I need
to interview any more people.

You guys are perfect.

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

Well, I'm not supposed to say
anything to you directly,

but I think you guys should be
expecting good news.

Aah! Oh, gosh!

Oh, I know, I know,
you're not saying anything!

But what you're not
saying is wonderful!

Um, all right. I'm gonna get
some sparkling cider?

- Yes, yes.
- Okay, okay.

It wouldn't be a celebration
without cider

or a celebratory song.

But this time, I want you
to sit right here.

So have a seat here.

Let's just get this mop
out of the way there.

♪ If you leave me now ♪

♪ You'll take away
the biggest part of me ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, no,
baby, please don't go ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh,
no, I just want you to stay ♪

Yes, she was upset,
but on a positive note,

what I take from
this experience is, I can sing.

Uh, what we didn't take away
from the experience is a baby,

because she decided to keep it.

Ay. No.
Did we missed everything?

Yeah. They cleared out
of here pretty fast.


More than a bummer, Haley.

This was really important to me,
and you blew it.

Ay, no, Phil, it was my fault.

It was not her fault.

Okay. What's done is done.

Can you take the brochures
out to the car?

Wow. It's still full.

Yeah, it is.

So it was not very good?

Um... no.

I kind of need to sweep here.

But-- but I'm so sorry, Phil.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay.

We came late and we ruined
your whole presentation.

These things happen.

Yeah, it happens and
people get angry.

Gloria, it's fine.

No, it's not fine!

I'm trying to have
a real conversation,

and all you do is
put me on a pedestal!

Wait a minute.
You're mad at me?

Yes, because
that's not how family's

supposed to treat each other!

You know how family's
supposed to treat each other?

They're supposed to actually
think about each other!

I asked you to do one thing...

and you were too selfish
and irresponsible

to come through for me
on a day that, believe it or not,

was really important to me!

Oh, my God.
You're crying. I'm so sorry.

No! That's what I want!

You yell at me
because you love me!

Well, you made me mad.

And you should be.

Well, I'm not anymore.

- Don't treat me like that, Phil.
- Because now I'm furious!

Ay, mi familia! Si.

Oh, how do you do that?

It makes me so...


That's a pretty nice
piece of handiwork

- for a 13-year-old.
- Yeah, Luke did pretty good, too,

for a kid who still needs help
getting out of his backpack.

- Still your grandson.
- Felt bad when I said it.

Okay, let's do this.

Watch out, kids!
They're coming down!

One, two, three.

How'd we do?

Both eggs are okay.

Great. So we both win.


We're going up another level.

Come on. Third floor.

Meet us there, Alex.
Let's go.


You don't have to do this.

The assignment was
for a 1-story drop.

We both get A's.

We're doing this.

I don't like this.

The two of them talking up there--

they're gonna figure out
what we did.

We did what we had to.

We're gonna get caught.

Look at them down there.

They're not even paying attention.

This is the best part.

Actually, Manny
looks kind of upset.

Why would he be?
He's about to kick Luke's butt.

Oh, knock it off.

Luke and Manny had
as much to do with this project

as they did with
the Manhattan project.

You think that's what's going on?

They're upset because
we took over for them?


They were supposed to--
to learn from this,

and-- and we ruined it.

- We should go talk to them.
- Yeah.

Boys, we need to talk.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Just stay frosty.

So, uh, we realized
a couple things up there,

and I think apologies are in order.

OK, we admit it.

We tricked you into
doing our projects for us.


This is the first
I'm hearing of this.

We knew you'd do all the work

if you thought you were
competing with each other.

So I told you I thought
Claire was helping Luke,

and then you called Claire...

Which got me involved, and...

All right.
Here's what's gonna happen--

you're gonna get in the car,
we're gonna drive home,

- and you're each gonna do
your own projects. - Mm-hmm.


- Hmm.
- Hmm.

You know, this is your fault.


The way we compete
with each other it's-- is sick.

It's so sick, two 13-year-olds

know how to take advantage of us.

And you know what?
You made me this way.

How do you figure that?

Dad! You pushed me into sports.

You never let me win.
You know, that stuff--

it does something to a girl.

For your information,
you came out of the womb like that.

I'm not entirely sure
there wasn't a twin in there

you bumped off.

If you saw that in me,
why didn't you discourage it?

Why would I discourage
something that I love?


You kidding?

You're a fighter.

The thing I love about you
is you never give up.


Even though I clearly designed
a superior egg container.

Out of your mind, old man.

Only one way to find out.

Give up.

You're all just
playing for second.

There's something wrong
with that one.

I'm not wrong.

Mum can be crazy, right?


Thank you.

At the same time, I feel guilty
when I get mad at her.

I don't think that's weird.

Just really proud of my project.
I don't wanna share it.

Everybody has their own thing.

Thanks, Haley.

I know I may sound dorky,

but this late-night conversations
really mean a lot to me.

They're the only time
that I feel like I...

OK, Corey, just one picture.

Hold on.

Ugh, my feet look fat
from this angle.

Hey, Alex, wake up.

I need you to take
a picture of my feet.

Sync by YYeTs, corrected by gloriabg