Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 11 - Lifetime Supply - full transcript

After having a doctor's visit but then missing the call with the test results, Phil automatically jumps to conclusions and starts saying his goodbyes. Meanwhile Javier pops up unannounced again and takes Manny to the horse races for a belated birthday celebration, and a subtle competition ensues when Mitchell brings home an environmental law award and it becomes a game of who has the bigger trophy.

So how's the family?

Kids are gettin' so big.
Haley's about to go off-

You can stop holding your stomach in.
to college.

You still exercising?


I look at a Clint Eastwood
or a Chuck Norris ...

and I think, "There's no reason
I can't stay tough like"-

Oh, tickles.

But- Ow.

That hurt?
No. Not-



It's probably nothing.
You feeling okay?

Yeah. Maybe we'll just run a
couple of tests just to be safe.

What kind of tests? If there's
anything wrong, I'll give you a call.

Oh. Okay.

So, how's the real estate
market doing?

Well, interest rates are low,
so it's a great time to be a buyer,

but if you're a seller,
you really have to-

Bend over. True, but a
quality property is still-

No, no, no.
I need you to bend over.

On. Right.

Well, let's dim the lights, crank up the
Norah Jones and get this over with.


Oh, hey, how'd it go?

I was so proud of him.

Oh, thanks, honey.
I'm kinda proud of me too.

Look at what they gave me.

"California State
Bar Association Award ...

for distinguished service in the
field of environmental law."

Wow. You
should have seen it.

They called his name. He went up on stage.
He gave a great speech.

It was humble, inspirational,
with a touch of dry humor at the end.

It was very Colin Firth.
Oh, Cam.

Thank you, but it's hardly an Oscar.

In the environmental law community,
it kind of is an Oscar.

How was Lily?
I hope you weren't too bored.

Oh, please.
Are you kidding me?

I love talking to her.
She knows more words than Haley.

Oh, that looks great
up there.

How impressed are you
with your uncle right now?

So impressed.

I didn't want to ruin their moment by
telling them how many awards I've gotten,

but let's just say I don't get out
of bed for a trophy that size.

Darn it!

I'm trying to send an e-mail.
This mouse keeps sticking.

Pretty big reaction. it's]0 bucks, tops.

You just reminded me
about my dream last night.

I was in the middle of a meadow,
coming down a staircase.

Then suddenly
a black mouse showed up.

He stopped,
stared at me in the eyes ...

and opened his little mouth.

What'd it say?

What did he say, Jay? He was a mouse.
They don't know how to talk.

Now you're playing logic police? You're
standing on a staircase in a meadow?

In my country, when somebody
dreams about a black mouse,

it means that something bad is going to happen.
Ah, don't worry about it.

I dreamt about a lucky blue cow.
We're good to go.

Hey, Jay, this is what I'm
wearing for golfing tomorrow.

Wanted to give you a heads up
in case there's some overlap.

- What are you going for here?
- Matt Damon in Bagger Vance. You didn't get that?

I did. I think you
look just like him.

It's the whole reason
I asked you to teach me to golf.

Any sport where
you can wear this, I'm in.

Who is that?
It's]0:00 at night.

I'll get it.
Hold on, Gatsby.

it's Javier. Open up!


There's my campe?n.

There's your black mouse.

Hola, Javier.
What are you doing in town?

I missed Manny's birthday.
Plus, I have a free week.

You're staying a week?
Make that go away.

So, Manny, tomorrow, in honor
of you becoming a man,

I am taking you to the racetrack
to enjoy the sport of kings.

That's so cool!

Actually, Manny and I have plans
to play golf tomorrow.

Golfing? Psht! That is for old men
and for women who like women.

Come on. Your dad is in town.
Let's go to the races.

- Yeah! Can we all go?
- Ay, no, baby, I can't.

I promised Haley that I was
gonna help her with her Spanish.

But Jay's going to go with you.

I'm not gonna let Manny
take off with Javier by himself.

Once, when Manny was six,
Javier took him to the Petting Zoo,

which later I found out that was
the name of the stripper club.

A real petting zoo
would have been cleaner.

But I was looking forward to-
You're going.

That I don't miss.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

Would you look at that.

Oh. Yeah, you know, I never saw us
as "trophy on the mantel" people,

but yours looks
so gosh darn good up there,

I figured, why not be proud of
what we've done?


"First place,
bass-catcher spring fish-off.

Missouri North Division."

Two-day total
of 10 small-mouth bass ...

weighing 34.24 pounds,

with a four-and-a-half pound
kicker. Boom.

So you beat all the other boys
aged 12 through 17?

Mm-hmm. Sure did.

Look at our trophies
up there.

We're a couple of winners,
aren't we?

Are we?

Where are all my razor blades?

- They're not in that box?
- No.

- I guess they're gone.
- They can't be gone.

In my 20s, I went on a game show and
won a lifetime supply of razor blades.

Okay, Phil, time is up.
What is your answer?


Oh, I'm sorry, Phil.

The correct answer is "banana
cream." Banana cream.

Banana cream.
Well, you got me there, Chip.

But you're not leaving

No, you're going home with a lifetime
supply of Genesis twin-blade razors.

What? Two blades in one razor?

Man, it'll never get better
than that!

You must have used 'em all up.
They said a lifetime supply.

Honey, you got 15 years
of free razor blades.

Put that in the "win" column
and move on.

Mom, is it okay
if my friend Walt comes over ...

to play Rebel Fighters 3?

Honey, don't you think
it's a little weird ...

that one of your best friends
is an 80-year-old man? No.

It makes it more fun
because he was in a real war.

He says cool things like,
"See ya in hell, Klaus."

I don't even
know what that means.

Oh, hey, Dad.
Some doctor called for you.

Dr. Sendroff?
Yeah, that's it.

You were in the shower.
What did he say?

He wants you to call him
right away.

Oh, well.
See ya in hell, Klaus.

What's wrong?

I don't know. He ran a few
tests on me yesterday.

He said he'd call if something
was wrong, and now he's calling.

Hi. This is Phil Dunphy.

I'm returning Dr. Sendroff's call.

Are you serious?

He's on a flight to London.

Is there any way I can reach him or,
uh, someone else I can talk to?

Okay. Fine.

Please, just tell him it's urgent.

Thank you.

- Oh, boy.
- Honey, I'm sure it's nothing.

Claire, I'm tender under my arm.

Maybe Luke hit you with his broomstick
when you guys were playing quidditch.

I'm way too fast.
He never touched me.

I can assure you,
you are perfectly fine.

That's very comforting, coming from a
marketing major at a party school.

like the number four horse.

He loves this track.
His dad won the Preakness.

Last three finishes
were in the money.

I like Miranda's Miracle.

There's this girl, Miranda, in my
class, and she's really pretty.

And if she liked me back,
it'll be a miracle.

Would you bet two dollars
on that one for me, Jay?

Sure, but you're throwing your money away.
You both are.

The winner of the race will
be number seven, My Hometown.

Number seven.

Well, he's carrying three extra
pounds and he hates the distance.

Those are just words
on a page.

I look the horse in the eye,

and he tells me he is the winner.
Tells you, huh?

Perhaps this will sound crazy to
you- No need for the qualifier.

But I have always been able to
see into the soul of a horse.

It is a gift,
and I do not question it.

Just like I always end up on
the shortest line at the bank.

Maybe I should bet
on your horse.

Are you kidding me?
These aren't just words.

They give you
all this information ...

so you can make an informed
decision and beat the odds.

Yes, of course, and this is why
everybody with a racing form is rich.

Now come on.
It's time to place our bets.

What's it gonna be, Manny?

Two dollars on My Hometown. You
really think he's going to win?

Well, I only know what he
tells me with his eyes.

Don't ask me why,
but maybe in some previous life ...

I was a horse.

Or part of a horse.

Hey. Alex called. She left her cell phone here.
She's gonna come back and get it.

Cam, did you do something to
your fish trophy? Oh, yeah.

I forgot about
this fun middle part.

Now it looks like the fish
is jumping out of the water.

Yeah. Right over mine.

Do I sense something,

You know, just because mine's
a little taller than yours ...

doesn't make yours
any less important.

Oh, no.
That's not what I was feeling.

Not even a little bit.

Oh, my God, you don't like
that I put my trophy up.

I just think it's a little weird that
immediately after I win a trophy,

you feel the need to dig this thing
up and plop it down next to mine.

I'll have you know that I've wanted
to display this for quite some time,

but I put it in a box in the garage
with all my other awards-

yes, awards-

out of courtesy
to a sadly award-less you.

It looks ridiculous.

Mine is a distinguished professional
award given to me by my peers,

and yours was
given to you on a pier.

Okay. For your information,
when I won this, it was a very big deal.

I cut a ribbon at the grocery store
and signed autographs.

"Best fishes, Cameron Tucker."

Oh, you know what?
I just remembered.

Mine comes with
a really fun pedestal too.

Ohh! Look at that.

Oh, and proper hierarchy is restored.

Unless you suddenly remember
that your fish came with a top hat.

Okay. Well, you know what?

I'm going to go get Lily from her
party and go to the park. Okay.

This award has changed you,

You may be flying high now,
but pretty soon ...

you're gonna be
free fallin', Tom Petty.

Because you're petty.

Tom Petty. Hmm? Get it?

About three sentences ago.

Hola, Haley.

Hi, Gloria.
Thanks for comin' over.

En espafiol, par favor.

Uh, hola, Gloria.

Gracias for comin' over.

No, the whole thing.

I don't know the whole thing.
Why do I even need to learn Spanish?

I live in California.
I'm never gonna use it.

That's the problem with Americans.

They expect all of us
to know their language,

but they don't even
make the effort to learn ours.

Win a war some time.
Then we'll start talking like you.

Huh! So wrong.

- Oh. Hey, Gloria.
- Hi, Phil. How are you?

- I wish I knew.
- Why? What's wrong?

Oh, I don't want to bum you out.

My doctor did some tests and said
he'd call if something was wrong,

and he called this morning.

What did he say? I don't know. I missed the call.
Now I can't reach him.

The black mouse.

What? In my dream.
It was a bad omen.

But probably not for you.

The staircase!

No, no, no.
You're fine, you're fine.

Am I? Get this.

Fifteen years ago,
I won a lifetime supply of razor blades.

They ran out ... today.

What's with the spitting?
Are you warding off death?

No. When I did-

I think I suck in a little bug.

Sixteen for the first race,

ten from the second race,
plus 34.

Sixty dollars!
You're a genius, Dad.

Well, I cannot
take all the credit.

It is a particularly chatty group
of horses today.

I love gambling!
it's so easy.

It's not easy.
Well, not for you.

- You've lost, what, three in a row?
- Oh, burn, Jay.

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.
This is all so heady.

Fifty dollars on Little Bacon to win.

Yeah, uy.

- What? What ooh-ee?
- There is something not right about that horse.

I think I saw it too.
You didn't see anything.

This horse is a heavy favorite. The rest of
the pack couldn't beat a merry-go-round.

- I'm stickin' with Little Bacon.
- It's your funeral.

Who are we goin' with, Dad?
Nobody in this race, papito.

It was quiet down there in the
paddock just now. Too quiet.

Oh, gee. You know what?
Make it 300.

Oh, my.

I'm tellin' you, kid, this is the one.

And you know how I know?

'Cause it said-

They don't talk like that.

"Maria bought a beautiful
white dress for her wedding."


Maria compor? ...

un hermoso vestido bianco
para su-

I- I'm sorry.

I cannot concentrate
with him here.

What are you doing?

Just taking it all in.

You're a beautiful,
intelligent woman,

and don't you ever forget it.

Wow. He is so weird sometimes.

No, he's not weird!

He's a saint, and you will
miss him when he's gone!

One day.

Hey, Uncle Mitchell.

Your, uh, phone's on the table.

- Uh, what's that?
- Oh, Cam's old fishing trophy.

Yeah, when I woke up this morning,
that's where I found it.

- Right after you got yours?
- Thank you!

Oh, my God.
Welcome to my world.

Last week, I got this beautiful plaque
from the debate team ...

for outstanding achievement,
and what did my morn do?

She found one of Luke's
participant ribbons ...

and a certificate Haley got for
showing up somewhere on time ...

and put all three of them
together on the same shelf.

It's, like, so unfair.

I was so glad
I talked to Alex ...

because she agreed with every
single thing I was feeling,

which made me realize that I was
acting like a 14-year-old girl.


Yeah. Yeah. Aaah!

Come on, kid.

I just lost an arm because of you.
Now get your head in the game.

Sorry. I can't concentrate
with my dad staring at me.

I just love you so much.

I hope he's talkin' to you.

Uh! Oh, great. Now I'm dead.

I'm going to the bathroom.

You know,
they say that happens.

Hey, Walt.

You ever think about death?

I'm 85.
Death is my roommate.

I got a call from the doctor.

There's a 60% chance I'm gonna die.

Ha! Doctors. Said I'd
be dead 10 years ago.

Look at me.
I'm healthy as a-

Oh. Gotta go change my tank.

- Phil, you gotta let this go.
- I'm sorry, Claire.

I don't know how to react
when I find out ...

there's a 70% chance I'm gonna die.

Honey. Listen to me.

You're gonna be fine.

You really think so?
I know so.

Claire's my rock.

You know when you're on a plane
and there's turbulence,

you look at the flight attendants,

and if they're still smiling
and serving drinks,

you know everything's
gonna be okay?

That's Claire.

I could also picture her as a cop.

... and into the
final furlong, it's Little Bacon,

followed by Brad's Wax Jacket-

Go, Little Bacon!
Go, Little Bacon!

You got this.
You got this.

- Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- And the winner is number nine, Little Bacon.

Yes! I knew it!

You see that, Manny?
Dumb luck always runs out.

But if you live in the real
world and you use your head,

not have it in the clouds like
Dr. Dolittle there, you'll do okay.

Guess you should've listened
to Jay on this one, Dad.

You got that right.
You should have listened to Jay.

I'll tell you somethin' else.

You can't look in a horse's eyes
and tell there's something wrong.

You can't even look in their eyes at the same time.
One's here and one's here.

Come on, let's go
to the window, kid.

I may need some help
carrying my winnings.

Oh, wait.

Jay, look.


What's that? It is when a horse
has committed an infraction.

Possible infraction. Usually
it's nothing. I'm sure-

The number nine horse,
Little Bacon,

has been disqualified
for interference.

What? The winner is number
six, Brad's Wax Jacket.

Ah. You see?

The eyes-

they do not lie.

Tough break, Jay.


Little something for gas.

Cam was right.
I was being petty.

So I found his box
of old trophies,

and! decided to surprise him by having
them on the mantel when he got home.

Well, I was the one
who was surprised.

I had no idea
how many trophies he had.

First place, and all of them
for different things.

Music, football, an' show,
science fair, a chili cook-ofii

A lifetime of accolades hidden away,
just so I wouldn't feel bad.

Ugh! That's a mouse.
That's a- Oh!


Oh, disgusting!

No, no. No, Cam.
I-l was gonna make a big display.

I believe you have.

No, no, Cam,
there was a-

Oh! Gross!

Listen, Manny, do me a favor and get me a
cappuccino from right over there, okay?

No, it's okay. I got it.


You want to talk about what
happened back there? Not at all.

You know, it is not just the horses whose
souls I can read through their eyes.

All right. You really want to know?
I'll tell you.

Okay. I'll leave you alone.
Ah, listen, hang on.

I'm sorry I went after you
like that in front of Manny.

That was wrong.

No, I get it. Nobody likes
to lose at the races, hmm?

I don't owe this guy anything.

He stops by a couple of times
a year to see his kid.

It used to be a relief.
Gave me a nice break.

But now Manny and I,
we got our own thing.

Look, I know I'm not his dad.

Maybe I don't like the reminder.

Hey. What's up?

Oh, my gosh.

We came as soon as we heard.
Heard what?

We heard Phil got bad news
from the doctor.

No. Who told you that?

No. I didn't say
that he got bad news.

I said that he was
getting bad news. Shh.

You don't know
that he's getting bad news.

I saw a black mouse.

I saw a black mouse!

So he says.

- Okay, you guys-
- This is worse than I thought!

No, it's not.
Listen to me. Listen.

Phil is fine. As a matter of fact, you
should go before he even knows you're here.

No, no. We're staying. We're staying.

We got here as soon as we could.
Oh, my God.

- Did you bring the coffee cake?
- Yes, I have it right here.

He carried it in from the car.
I paid for it.

Listen. Listen to me.

I am very sorry for what
you are going through.

Thank you.

- Who is this?
- Who indeed?

I am Javier Delgado,
Manny's father ...

and Gloria's former
husband and lover. Oh.

I hope you do not think
this is insensitive,

but you are a beautiful woman, and
you will have no trouble to find a-

Javier, the body
is not even cold yet.

The body is upstairs watching basketball.
He is fine.

Gloria said he was sick.
No. He went to the doctor.

He had some tests.
The doctor called. That's it.

Plus, today he ran out
of his lifetime supply of razors.

That's a sign.
This is a lot of hocus-pocus.

I can't believe I bought
a coffee cake over this!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, I'm-I'm confused.
What did the doctor say exactly?

I don't know.
We missed his call this morning.

- The doctor called on Saturday?
- Yeah. So?


Not nothing. Not nothing.

Well, it's just that, uh,

doctors don't usually call
on Saturday with good news.

But they could call.

I mean, he could call
with anything.

Do you think he's sick, Dad?

What's- What's going on?

Nothing. Nothing.

Everybody just came by
for absolutely no reason at all.

- You look worried.
- I'm not worried.

Oh, God.

The plane's in trouble.

You put away the drink cart
and you're strappin' in.

You're gonna be fine, kid.
You are gonna be great.

I wish I looked
as good as this kid.

Stop. Please.
You're freaking me out.

- Are you gonna die?
- I don't know!

There's still
a five percent chance I'll make it!

It's Dr. Sendroff.

Guys, I don't know what's on the
other end of this phone call,

but whatever happens,

I just want you to know you've already
given me a lifetime supply of happiness.

I remember once, as a-

The phone!
Answer it!

Do it!

Dr. Sendroff.

What's the word?

- Are you serious?
- What?

- That's it?
- What is it?

Hold on one second.

He's calling about a real estate listing.
I'm fine.

Oh, my-
Ay, no.

Yesterday, you said you'd call
if something was wrong.

Then you called.
Then you disappeared.

That is the most irresponsible,
unprofessional thing ...

I've ever heard of
in my entire life,

and do you have anyone to represent you
in the sale of your current house?

Look into his eyes.

I don't care what the doctor says,
I give him six months.

Stop staring.

So, Phil Dunphy, tell
us a little bit about yourself.

Well, Chip, I'm married
to a great lady- Hi, Claire-

and I have a baby girl.

Um, I'm a real estate agent,
and I enjoy playing checkers-

both Chinese and American.

And, uh, I am a fan of hip-hop.

Well, good for you.

Though I try to stay neutral in the
whole East Coast West Coast thang.

Next up, we have-
Oh, one quick thing.

Shout out to my, uh, college
buddy, Ling,

who built his own helicopter and
is taking his first flight today.

And, uh, I also want to wish a happy anniversary
to my in-laws, Jay and Dede Pritchett.

Your eternal love
is an inspiration to us all.

Okay, that's enough.

Next up, we have homemaker from
West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.


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