Modern Family (2009–…): Season 3, Episode 10 - Express Christmas - full transcript

Phil proposes that the entire family celebrate "Express Christmas" together on December 16, when they discover that they won't be spending Christmas Day together.


Ay, finally!

Look who's wearing
her itsy-bitsy bikini.

He can comment
because he's gay.

He was talking about Lily.
So was I.

Ay, Cam,
you make her look so pretty.

Guess who's not coming
for Christmas.

And the spotlight shifts. Mom.

- She canceled.
- What?

In a voice mail, no less.
Unbelievable.

And by that,
I mean believable.

Why isn't Nana coming?
I don't know.

Something about her new boyfriend
whisking her away on a cruise.

I just got my gift. What boyfriend?

Carl, the cruise ship captain.

It was in her
holiday newsletter.

Oh, I can't read
that whole thing. No.

Yeah, after two pages
about the bird she rescued?

And by the way, I don't think you can
say you rescued something if it dies.

It died? She wrote
a poem about it.

A little too free with
the free verse for my taste.

But fine,
we'll call it a poem.

I stopped reading after she
talked about suing her book club.

Oh, I stopped reading after "Dear
friends, family and others."

I'm sorry. Who are "others"?

Me. No, you're not-

Uh, maybe you are.

Actually, she's kind of
at her best at Christmas.

She makes a mean cookie.

What other kind could
she possibly make? Come on.

A y, it's so sad that you guys are not
gonna be with your mom this Christmas.

It's fine. Yeah,
it's more than fine.

Let's just- Can we move off of Mom?
Yes, please.

Yeah, and the upside now,
Mitchell,

we can spend Christmas
in Missouri,

where it actually feels
like Christmas.

Wait, hang on a second.
Just because Mom isn't coming ...

doesn't mean we're not gonna
spend Christmas together.

I mean, it's about family.

Who do you think we're seeing
in Missouri? The Oak Ridge Boys?

Hold on. I thought we were all gettin'
together Christmas Eve this year.

We're on a flight to Mexico
the 25th.

What do you mean, you're getting
on a flight on the 25th?

You two needed time
with your morn.

I've already served my time
with your mom.

- Oh, Dad.
- Well, when are we gonna have Christmas, then?

I heard kids are getting
snatched in Mexico. What?

Kids get snatched here
just as much.

It happens all the time.
Don't be scared.

And when you say
"all the time"-

Okay, well, what about
next weekend?

'Cause we don't leave
till the 21st, right?

Yeah, we leave tomorrow. We
don't come back until the 21st.

Hey, math club, could you
get me some more lemonade?

Are we saying that this is the last time we're
all going to be together as a family ...

until after the holidays?

And for you, maybe ever.

- Well, this stinks.
- Yeah. We can't do this!

- We always spend Christmas together.
- Who dreamed this up?

Yeah, we have
to do something about it.

Ho, ho, hold up a sec.
We're all free today.

We've got four hours to shop,
cook, wrap, get a tree.

By tonight, we could be
celebrating Christmas, right?

I guess we could do that.
Of course we can.

Have you ever heard
of express Christmas?

No. No, you haven't, because
I just invented it.

Express Christmas, T.M.

It's when you can't have it on
Christmas day- Yeah, we got it.

Get on with it. We're wasting time!
We're wasting time!

Everyone in the house! We'll make a plan!
Time is of the-

Ow! Hot! Hot!
That's just too hot!

Oh, Phil!

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

So we're really
doin' this, huh?

Yes, Dad. Let's go.

'Cause I had stuff lined
up for Christmas Eve.

Yeah, Jay, it's Manny's last chance
to enjoy a family Christmas.

Until next year,
you mean.

Well,
with all the snatchings-

Get out of my head, Luke.

Okay, who's gonna get the tree?
Oh, Oh, I will, I will.

Because, you know, get the wrong
kind, people get upset.

You get upset.
I'm people.

Fine. I'll get the turkey.
What about gifts?

Jay, did we finish shopping?

Yeah, but
we're not wrapped.

I can help with that. We have
a mobile wrapping station.

God, has that thing
paid for itself.

Really? 'Cause I feel
like I paid for it.

Okay. We've got lights and
ornaments at our place.

Oh, you know what'd be great
is the angel. The angel!

Yeah, where is it'?

Gloria, it's up in your attic.
Would you get it?

A y, no,
not the attic!

It's dirty, and
there are spiders.

Oh, but it really won't
be Christmas without it.

It won't be Christmas with it.
it's December 16.

Luke will help Gloria.
He's not scared.

Oh, good. You won't
find me in any attic.

- That might be exactly where they find you.
- Mom!

Uh, I have a party tonight. You promised
I could go if I got a "B" on my test.

I studied. I read stuff. What
was the point of all that?

The point, young lady,
was- Who can remember?

Express Christmas
will be done by 9:00.

Claire, I'll text you the gift list.
Okay.

You and Haley
do the shopping.

Manny, you're coming with me.
We're gonna get groceries.

Dinner, our house, 6:00.

Let's move!

On Dasher, on Dancer,
on Prancer and Vixen!

Hey, that kind of worked out.

- Jay.
- Come on, Haley.

Jay, you are gonna love this
wrapping- it'll be fun.

A lot of fun.
We can go to Target, okay?

- Let's go. Let's go!
- Let's go!

So it's just me and Lily
getting the tree, then?

Hello?
Hello?

My mom tells me
it's "Xmas" in a text?

Yeah, well, my mom canceled
in a voice mail ...

and told me she had a boyfriend in
a newsletter, so ... join the team.

Put some clothes on.
We're gettin' a tree.

Sweetie, come on.

Luke!
At what?

What do you mean, at what?
I said "Luke."

I am looking.

I know you are.

Stay on the beams.

Maybe it's here.

Ay, dios mio!
El diablo is back!

What is so special
about that angel, anyways?

I don't know.

I guess Nana made it for Morn and
Uncle Mitchell when they were kids.

Ay, that's nice.

0w!

- Look where you're going!
- To open more boxes.

Ay-

Oh, you said, "Look where
you're going," didn't you?

Yes.

Every time you said "Luke,"
I think you're saying "Look."

I don't hear the difference.
it's not that hard.

One is my name.

Juan is not your name!

Stop kidding around
and look, Luke.

Ay, I get it!
"Look" sounds like "Luke."

Yes.
Thank God.

I've been carrying that one
around for three years.

There's, like, a
hundred things on this list.

I know. But it's just the two of us.
it's fun.

Okay, it's not
fake Mother's Day.

Oh, this place is huge!
Oh, plus we have to cook dinner!

This is impossible.
Listen to me.

Your whole life
has led to this moment.

All the training,
the hours of dedication.

There's not a soul alive who can
touch you when it comes to shopping.

And baby, you know it.
Look at me.

Be you.

Give me that list. Never
been more proud in my life.

Come on.
No!

This way.

What about this one?
Let's see.

No, no. I'm sorry. I know I'm
really being O.C.D. right now,

but there's something very
particular that I'm looking for.

It needs to be a Douglas fir at least eight
feet tall and look good from all sides.

Exactly.
No bald spots.

Yes.
Thank you, thank you.

The key is symmetry,
rig ht?

# Oh, symmetfy
Oh, symmetry #

How come we never
go shopping together?

Because I hate shopping.
I do too!

Huh.
Okay, this one.

Wait.

Oh.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

I think I know
what you're lookin' for,

and we just got a shipment
that might be perfect for you.

Okay. Wow.

Just because my uncle
is clearly gay ...

doesn't mean he'd ever want
your tacky pink tree.

And frankly, we'd rather throw
some lights on a coat rack ...

than have to deal with knuckle-draggers
like you today of all clays.

December 16.

Okay, first of all,
amazing.

Second of all-
I was pointin' to the truck.

It's full of eight-foot Douglas firs.
it's behind the pink tree.

Yeah. Second of all-

Uh, we're gonna go ahead and-and
take, uh, this- this tree. That one.

And we're going to tie it
onto our car ourselves.

You bet you will.

I have two daddies.
He gets it, Lily.

Yeah.

Oh, finger.

All right. Mmm.
Cam and Jay.

You know, sort of sounds
like a bird.

"The migratory patterns of
the Cam-and-Jay."

Got any more tape
in that thing?

Do I have more tape in that?

I got a tank full of tape,
mister.

What do you want? Invisible?
Satin finish?

Uh, double-sided?
Whatever, whatever.

Okay.

Well, that's interesting. I
doubt that it is, but what?

Well, I mean, the way you wrap a gift.
It's a lot of tape.

Nobody can get in.
Kind of like, you know-

I mean, well, you let me in.
But in general, why-

Why so much tape, Jay?

Why are you wearing a sweater
when it's 95 degrees out?

It's my Christmas sweater.

Based on those stains, you
are the Christmas sweater.

Well, who's
been a very good boy?

Mmm. So-

Okay, are we gonna talk about
the elephant in the room?

Which is ironic,
because it's so tiny.

A man doesn't give another
man a gift this small.

Oh, what do you think it is?
A ring?

Uh, was there wine
with this cork?

Yes, there was,
and we drank it on-

Well, we drank it on-
Yeah.

Um, on that boat.

You have no idea.

I can't even remember
my own anniversary, Cam.

How would I have remembered having
had wine with my son's boyfriend?

No, I do this.
This is my fault.

L- I attach too much
meaning to things.

I mean, we watched our first football
game together five years ago,

and I feel the need to save the cork
from the bottle of wine you served.

I mean, who does that?

It's not your only gift,
by the way.

There's a duplicate bottle
in that box right over there,

which I had engraved with the date and the
final score, because I have a problem!

I feel too much!
I gotta get goin' to Claire's.

- Cam-
- No! Fresh wound! Can't talk yet.

Fine.
We'll put a cork in it.

Let it scab, Jay.
Let it scab.

Oh, there you are.
I thought I'd lost you.

Oh, sorry. I may have taken a
few minutes to try out a futon.

It's a young woman's game.
Okay, where do we stand?

I think we have everything. Yes!

Oh, except the ladybug
night-light for Lily.

Haley, your
whole life has led-

I got it, Mom. I got it. Okay,
great, I'll see you in line.

Yes, Ronald.

I not only found it,
I got the last one.

Yes, the ladybug,
not the turtle.

I also got the doll, so I'm all set.
I'm gonna leave in five.

Or maybe I just want paper. Paper. Paper.
Just paper all the way. Yeah.

Haley!

Too late to change my mind?

Sir, would you like me to hold your
merchandise up at the register ...

while you
finish shopping?

Oh, aren't you a dream?

Pack of gum.

And ... one more pack of gum.

People drop in
this time of year, you know.

'Scuse me. Sorry.
Pardon me. Sorry.

'Scuse me.

Night-light you were looking for, ma'am.
Ring her up, Madison.

Thank you.

There you go.

You're leaving me
alone here?

No, no, no, no.
I- it'll, uh-

it'll just take me
two minutes.

I need to get Jay's
super-secret special gift.

Great. First you lose me
in the grocery store.

Now I'm in
a deserted parking lot.

Why don't you just put a sign
on me that says "Free kid"?

I think that might be him.

You don't know the guy we're meeting?
That's how Craigslist works.

Total strangers sell you things like
signed vintage baseball cards ...

that make your father-in-law
respect you for an afternoon.

I don't like
the looks of this guy.

He looks
like everybody else.

Great. You can just tell that
to the police sketch artist.

Joe DiMaggio?

Phil Dunphy,
but I get that a lot.

Kidding.
I'm your guy.

Can I see the cash?
Yes.

Can I-
Can I see the card?

Mint condition.

That's why I want
another 50.

I only have the 200.

- Ah, deal's off then.
- Come on, it's Christmas.

At our house.
it's a long story.

- 225.
- I just spent all my cash on groceries.

- Fine. But I'm taking the Butterball.
- I don't know about that.

- That's it. I'm getting mother's little helper.
- What?

- My mom keeps a stun gun for emergencies.
- This isn't an emergen-

Now it is!

I thought he was
going to snatch me!

A Butterball is a tur-

- What'd he say?
- I think he said, "A Butterball is a turkey."

I was reaching for the turkey.

Oh. Well, we can't
give you our turkey.

Yes, we can.

Here's the ... money.

Yeah, buddy.
Joe DiMaggi-

Joe DiMagg-

Mint conditi-

Near mint condi-

Fair conditi-

Garbage.

Huh,
never saw this before.

"An angel for my angels.
Love, Mom."

A y, that's beautiful.

And it smells like mothballs,
just like Nana. Luke.

Th-Thank you. M-Merry Christmas.
Just give it up.

Yeah.

He hates us.
Don't beat yourself up.

I do that,
like, once a week.

The good news is, we never
have to come back here.

Watch out!

The tree! I can't watch!

Look.
Ay, yes, I said "Luke."

You told me already. I did it right.
No! Look!

?Ay!

Never look back.
Never!

Maybe we can salvage it?

Are you okay, papi?

Yeah.
Good.

That's because we had
our guardian angel-

AM a spider!

Hey, Morn.
Check it!

The gum!

Oh, and you made it pretty.
Honey, put it on the table.

- New tradition?
- Oh, yes. Yes.

Mmm. Christmas gum. I take one.

Tough to decorate the tree
with no tree, huh?

Mm-hmm, yeah.

How long you gonna
ignore me, Cam?

Until the shame cloud
clears.

You know, I push.
I'm a pusher.

You gotta give yourself a break. See, the thing
about me, I'm not as open with feelings as you.

You've gotta lower
your expectations.

Oh, I get it.
Baby steps.

No steps. This is it.

See? Did it again. Push,
push, push, push, push.

Now I've pushed you out of the room.
That's- That's fine.

How is she? I got the
tire marks off her wings,

but I can't get her head
to stay on.

Okay.
That's what this is for.

Now, stick it in the top of the tree
with the good part facing out. Go on.

Oh, that stuffing looks good. All we
need now is a turkey to surround it.

Well, relax. Phil just texted,
and he's on his "wax."

Okay.
Here comes the tree.

Finally.

Here comes
more of the tree.

Hi, honey.

Oh, my gosh.
What happened?

Well, uh,
someone ran over it.

But that's okay, 'cause we are gonna
put it back together. Right now.

It's gonna need
a lot of gum.

Oh, thank God. Here comes
Phil and the Butterball.

I have a name!
Huh?

I am sorry,
but there is no turkey.

There's no turkey?
What's the plan, Phil?

Cornish game hens.

If you get real close, they look like
turkeys, and everyone gets their own.

- Sounds like fun.
- Not fun. Not fun.

I asked you to pick up
a cooked turkey.

The store was out of turkeys. It
was an hour to express Christmas.

Please just make it work, okay?
Please.

Not even defrosted.

- Fine, Claire! You want 'em defrosted?
- Yeah.

Merry ... freaking ... Christmas!

No!

Is that my stun gun?

Yep, and it works great!

Okay, okay.

Um, we can make this work.
This can work.

- Dad, you and Mitchell reassemble that tree.
- All right.

And I am going to defrost these birds.
We'll cook 'em in shifts,

and we'll just push
dinner back by a bit.

Oh, how long? 'Cause I
still have my party.

- What the hell happened to the angel?
- No!

The real question here is how come
we still have the dog butler?

Oh, you found him, huh?

Well, this thing is-
it's filthy and-

What happened?

It got run over.

Probably by the same maniac
who ran over the tree.

Oh, my God, is that?
Yep, that's gum.

That is gum.
Okay, I'm- I'm out.

I'm done. I am out.
No, no turkey, no tree,

and now this looks like
the lady she used to be ...

before she died
and became an angel.

All right, relax, Mitchell.
it's an ornament.

No, he's right. We're never gonna get this together.
I'm goin' to my party.

No, no. No, you're not. You are not.
You're staying right here,

because you're not going to
abandon your family on Christmas.

It's not Christmas.

Exactly, exactly.
Right. it's not.

It's not Christmas, Claire.
it's not Christmas.

Okay, fine. Fine.
You know what?

I am really tired of trying to
make this work on my own.

- I will see you people in a year.
- And nine days.

No! Nobody goes anywhere.

I know what the problem is here.

You two miss your mommy.

I do not miss my mommy.

Admit it.
it's sad.

She used to make you
cookies, the angel.

Now, she talks to you
in a newsletter,

and she cancels
for no reason.

- Come here, my little ones.
- No, it's fine. We're good. It's not a big deal.

It's Christmas.
You need a mommy.

You're not our mommy.

And it's not Christmas.

Come here.

It's okay to miss her.

Can I put in my two cents
on fake Christmas?

- Express Christmas.
- Let it go, Phil. It's not sticking.

It needs time.

We all gave it our best shot
to make this thing work.

It just didn't happen,
all right?

What do you say
we cut our losses?

Let's go out to
a nice Chinese restaurant ...

and have a traditional
Jewish Christmas.

But I risked my life
grocery shopping.

Save that story
for Wang Fu.

Now, let's go. Come on, everybody.
On me!

Gut!
Verybody Out!

Dad, no. M.S.G. Wang Fu.
it's on me. Let's go!

- Come on, baby girl.
- Guys, there's always next year.

- Come on, honey.
- This stinks.

We have the snow!

Dad!
Aw!

You hate Chinese food.

Not bad, huh?

Jay, Jay, Jay. You want
to hug me, don't you?

I kinda do.
Four to five seconds.

Forty-five seconds?
Four to five seconds.

Oh, okay.

- Hey, buddy.
- Look at me!

Family is family.

Whether it's the one
you start out with-

Hi, Mom. Merry Christmas.
Hi, Mom.

Thank you. So, um, tell us
everything about the new boyfriend.

Oh, yeah.
Don't leave anything out.

Mmm. You can leave
some things out.

The one that
you end up with-

Or the family that you
gain along the way.

Do this!
Snow angels!

Which makes every day
December 16.

It's good.

Hey, Jay, um, I'm sorry about
the baseball card.

L-I did get you a-
a backup gift.

It's- it's nothing. Oh.

I picked it up
when we stopped for gas.

Dog antlers.
I know.

You got us snow,
and I got you dog antlers.

- I love these.
- I thought you might.

Honey, look, come here.
There we go.

There.

How cute is that?
Where's my camera?

Gloria, you gotta see this!

Come on, Stella!
Gloria!

Dog antlers.
He loves dog antlers.

Oh, no. Oh, okay.

Oh.
Oh, gosh.

You okay? Oh!

I'm so sorry.

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