Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Mother Tucker - full transcript

Jay and Manny's online diagnosis of Jay's illness makes matters worse. A visit from Cameron's mother sends Mitchell into a frenzy. Phil is more upset about Haley's breakup with Dylan than she is.


So, the rate of diffusion
equals something...

times the square root of something...

I give up.

Aw, so close!

- Shut up!
- Don't worry. You'll get it.

You know, a lot of famous scientists
are women.

They're fat though, right?

Come on, Alex.
It's time for your cello lesson.

How's the tutoring going?

Are you familiar with the term
"throwing good money after bad"?

Are you familiar with the term "Dunphy,
party of one"? Because you will be.

- Girls.
- Haley's coming along really well, Ms. Dunphy.

Good! The key is to take a lot
of little breaks...

so you don't get frustrated
and want to quit.

Got it.

I was talking to David.

Come on, sweetie.

I'm just saying,
she's never gonna get a job.

And how do we know the right
Middle Eastern businessman...

wouldn't treat her great?

I left my shopping list inside.

For the record, we thought
she could live with you.

Like I'm gonna tell any of you
where I live.

Oh.

Haley!

What? We only do this
when I get one right.

Mama should be here by now.
I wonder what's keeping her?

Cam, that depends.

Did she take her jalopy
or one of them new fancy flyin' machines?

Missouri's more cosmopolitan
than you give it credit for.

It's got a very vibrant
cowboy poetry scene.

Not sure you're making
the point that you think.

- That's her. Come on.

Look alive. Look alive.

- Mama!
- My baby!

Oh, little boomer!
Oh, puppy kiss!

- Mitchell, get over here!
- Oh! Hey, Barb!

My baby's baby!

- Ohh! Oh-ho-ho!
- Oh, yeah!

Well, I don't wanna overstate this...

but my mom is the greatest woman
that ever lived.

Cam loves his mom.

She raised four kids,
two barns and a whole lotta hell.

That sounds like a country song.

And that song would be called
"The Greatest Woman That Ever Lived."

Cam loves his mom.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##.

From the minute I met Barb
she has been open...

and loving and caring.

Oh, I have missed these shoulders.

Ohh... Aaah!

If I had one complaint...

and I do...

it's the...

inappropriate putting of her hands
on my body.

Hey, Barb. Got you the cranberries
you wanted for the stuffing.

Oh, bless your heart.

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Let me get in there and help ya.

Ohh. Ohh! Ohh!

- And a horsie bite!
- Ohh!

-
- This is how I like to cuddle.

It's-it's been going on a long time.

Jay, you wanna go to the mall with me?

No, actually, my stomach's
a little funny today.

Oh, I am so sorry, papi.

Maybe we'd stop first at the crib store...

and you lay down and I buy you
a little dress, hmm?

Gloria thinks Americans are babies.

Well, in Colombia we couldn't go run
to the hospital for every little sniffle...

or dislocated shoulder.

Okay, good.

5-6. I serve, huh?

Jay, what are your symptoms?

Nausea? Bloating?

What did I say about getting off
that crazy doctor Web site?

I'm just worried about Jay.

Stomach pains can mean a lot of things:
Intestinal blockage...

- Do you have a fever?
- Stop it! Manny, he's fine.

- Tell him you're fine.
- I'm fine.

- Okay, good. Get in the car.
- Uh, home fine, not mall fine.

Jay, you know what happens
when I shop angry.

- I'll clear a space.
- Mmm.

- I'm not loving your color.
- Go play.

Don't be a hero.

So, dumb guys go for dumb girls...

and smart guys go for dumb girls?

- What do the smart girls get?
- Cats, mostly.

So, Haley, how long have I been paying
this guy to make out with you?

Uh, about a week.

First it was just to shut him up,
but now I'm starting to like him.

If you really like him though,
you have to break up with Dylan.

What? No!

Believe me. And it's best for everybody
if you just do it quickly.

I can't believe we're having this conversation.
He's like part of the family.

Trust me. It's the right thing to do.

Just end it.

Okay, but be gentle.

Boys are surprisingly sensitive
at that age.

- Water polo girl story.
- Yes, I'm gonna tell the water polo girl story!

- 'Cause it hurt!
- Mmm.

Okay, so I'm working
in the principal's office.

She walks in, hair all silver
from the chlorine...

tells me she wants
her varsity jacket back.

I tear up a little. Then I tear up a lot.

I'm begging, I'm begging.

At some point I realize I'm sitting on the
button to the high school intercom system.

Yuk it up, ladies.

Wasn't funny then. Is not funny now.

It was traumatic, Haley.

Don't do Dylan like
Linda "The Cannon" Concannon did me.

Honey...

that was a long time ago.

- I loved her.
- Okay.

I know.

You know what? Maybe I'll call Dylan
after he talks to Haley.

He's gonna need someone to lean on.

That someone should not be
his ex-girlfriend's father.

Honey, when Dylan is out of her life,
he should be out of ours.

You've always hated Dylan.

I have not always hated Dylan.

I have always thought
that Haley could do better.

Plus, the new boyfriend is so smart.

It's done. We broke up.

- What?
- I texted Dylan. It's over.

- Bet that's him.

Yep.

Sad face emoticon!

You can feel the hurt through the phone.

Cam's mom spent half of dinner
with her hands all over me.

It was like she was blind and wanted
to know what my thighs looked like.

Are you sure?

Are you really the best judge
of this kind of thing?

- You've had boundary issues since you were a kid.
- I have not!

Okay. Sorry. My mistake.

Must be Cam's mom.

Her issues.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing. Just getting a spoon.

- Stop it.
- Is it bothering you?

- Yes, it is.
- Hey, Mitchell.

- Claire, stop it!
- Mitchell, Mitchell, Mitchell.

- Force field!

That never stops being fun.

Good. Listen, this is...
this is not in my head, Claire.

And it's actually getting worse.

- What does Cam say?
- Well, he never seems to notice.

And I certainly can't
talk to him about it...

because God forbid
I say anything negative about his mom.

One time I added salt
to her casserole...

and he went into the garage
and punched the car.

Okay, Mitchell, if this is happening,
and I'm pretty sure it isn't...

Thank you. Supportive.

Then you need Cam to see
his mom feeling you up...

- and then make Cam deal with it.
- Eeeww.

- Think about it.

Hi, Dylan.

- Hi, Mrs. Dunphy.
- Mmm.

Or I guess now that Haley and I broke up,
I should call you Claire.

I actually think we're gonna stick with Mrs.
Dunphy. Come on in. How you doing?

- Not so good.
- Hmm.

I mean, everywhere I look
I see her face.

- Hmm.

To be fair, Dylan,
that is a family portrait.

- I gotta go get some of my stuff. Is that cool?
- Oh, sure. Yeah.

There she is again.

Don't look on the bookshelf.
You're just gonna...

Hey, kid, you got a minute?
I need the name of that medical Web site.

Can this wait until I'm home?
I'm having the round of my life.

I've been thinking I might have a couple of those...
those symptoms you were talking about.

Oh. I see.

You might as well play through.
It's gonna be a while.

I'm probably wrong,
but I just wanna make sure.

- Is that Manny?
- Work.

- Hmm.
- So tell 'em I'll get that order out this afternoon, huh?

Did she buy that?
Because it sounded fake on this end.

- I'll talk to you later, Tom.

- Tom.
- Mmm.

Dylan!

Aw, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan, Dylan.

Hey, Mr. Dunphy.

Hey, now that you guys are broken up,
you can call me whatever you want.

Phil, Vitamin P, P-Daddy.

- Okay, Phil.
- Okay.

I'm gonna miss that bad boy.
Might have to get my own ax.

Sometimes I come in here
and noodle on it.

Actually, I've been writing
a little song of my own.

Might be able to pluck out a few...

You know, I keep on hoping
that this is just a dream...

that Haley and I didn't really break up.

But it's not a dream.

Unless the whole thing was a dream and
we never even dated in the first place.

- Weird. This is kinda what my song's about.
- Yeah, weird.

Hey. I know this is tough,
but you're gonna be fine.

You know,
I was a lot like you in high school.

Except my hair was shorter
and my guitar was a flute.

Well, if you want your own guitar,
I mean, we could go out and pick you one.

Oh, I don't know
if that's such a good idea.

- Yeah. Yeah, totally.
- Yeah.

Well, I guess I'll get going...

so... I can...

well, be alone forever.

Uh, what... what the hell.

Yeah!

Let's go guitar shopping.

Awesome!

Uh, do me a favor.
Don't tell Mrs. Dunphy.

Yeah. Definitely. You got it.

- All right.
- Well, I guess I'll see ya.

Okay.

- Y... You, uh...

You can go ahead and exit
through the front door.

Oh, right. Habit.

- My old yearbooks!
- I saved 'em all.

Ohh!

- Oh, look.
- What?

"You're the cutest boy in school.
We're gonna have an awesome summer.

Smooches, Brenda."

Oh, Brenda, you're about to have
the most confusing summer of your life.

- Hey, guys!

- Hi!
- Oh, there's Mitchell.

My little corn silk!

Ahh... Ohh!

- Oh, Barb, oh, you are such a good hugger.
- Well, gosh.

Isn't she the best hugger?

Oh, thank you.

- Oh, and look what I got you, Barb.
- What's tha... Oh!

Scratchers!

- Thank you.
- Mmm!

- Nice! A lot of 'em.

- Oh, that's your tea. I'm gonna get your tea.
- Thanks, honey.

- Well, I need a quarter.
- Oh.

- Let me have that quarter.
- Oh. Wow, yeah.

Feel free to fish around in there.

Cam? Cam!
I'd like a cup too, please.

Just a second.

Oh, Barb, you know what?
I strained myself so bad today.

- Oh.
- Well, what's hurtin' on you?

It's this area between my lower back
and upper thigh.

- Sounds like your fanny.
- It's my fanny.

It's really knotted up.

Well, you need someone
to work on that.

Oh, I would love that.

It's really seized up. Just put
your fingers all over my... my fanny.

Your magic fingers.

- Barb.
- Mama, your tea.

- Mitchell.
- Thanks, sweetie.

See you in the room for a minute?
Thank you.

- It's very hot. Don't burn your tongue.
- All right, honey.

Okay, I am not gonna cry,
but I wanna know why, Mitchell...

why you are presenting to my mother
like a baboon.

I wanted you to see her fondling me.

- So you do want me to cry.
- No, no, Cam.

She's always touching me inappropriately,
and you never seem to notice.

Show me, Mitchell.

Show me on Lily's doll
where my mother is touching you.

Look, I know you don't want to hear this, but
she's handsy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Oh, my God. I know what this is.

You're just not used to
having a mother that shows affection.

- Do not make this about my mother.
- I didn't.

But it is normal for a mother
to be physical...

and it is not strange...

for an occasional hug
or a little pat on the fanny.

Okay, these aren't pats, Cam. No.

She squeezes and lingers!

Show me where she squeezes
and lingers.

Cam, put the doll down.

I don't know if this
is just sexual or Crazytown...

but your mother cannot keep her hands
off of me and it's creeping me out.

No. Oh...

- B-Barb. I'm sorry.

Let me show you
where you stabbed my mama.

Thanks for helping me pick out my ax.

You were so right. The one
with two necks would have been overkill.

- If you want, you can have some of that.
- Diet starts tomorrow!

Don't tell Mrs. Dunphy about this either.

I, uh... I... I always wanted to go to this place
with Haley, but she said it looked stupid.

She's a girl with strong opinions,
like her mother.

Claire hates
this new sweatshirt I bought.

She says it looks like something
a girl would wear to the beach.

- Yeah, it does.
- But I wear it anyway.

See? I figure, why be alive if you can't
do the things you're passionate about?

What are you passionate about, Dylan?

Uh, I always wanted
to drive to Graceland.

Fun!

- What else?
- I know a guy who can get me a pet bobcat.

Yeah... No, you don't really
know what they're gonna do.

The point is, you got
your whole life ahead of you.

Enjoy being single.

I really oughta play that song for you.
This is all in there.

- Yeah!
- Awesome!

Be right back.

Hey, hey, come here.

- Is that guy over there with someone?
- Uh-huh.

- Could you tell if there was anything going on between them?
- I don't know.

They were talking about
taking a trip to Graceland together.

He just wants to go 'cause
he thinks it's an amusement park!

I gotta tell you, this is looking
more and more like diverticulitis.

Do they say how to treat it, like a heating pad or...
There it is again!

- Describe the pain.
- It's like I'm being stabbed.

But also like I ate a bad scallop...

that's stabbing me from the inside.

That's colorful,
but there's no box for that.

What are you guys looking at?

- Girls!
- Huffington Post! Uh, girls.

Manny, let me see that screen.

What did I tell you?

It's not his fault. I asked him to look.

- I'm starting to think I have a serious problem here.
- Yes, you do! That computer!

You read it there,
you think it here, you feel it here.

You wanna feel better?

There. You're cured!

Give me 15 minutes, then tell Florence
Nightingale I went to the hospital.

- ##
- ##

- ##

I'm gonna kill her!
I'm gonna kill him!

- I'm gonna kill both of them!
- What happened?

Dylan has a new girlfriend!

- When did that happen?
- Who cares?

I'm just surprised
he didn't say anything... to you.

He's not answering my texts.
How could he do this to me?

Uh, honey, you were
the one who broke up with him.

I didn't think he was gonna
find someone so fast.

- Maybe he's better than I thought.
- No, he's not.

What? No, he's not better.

No. You know who's better?
David. David the tutor.

Smart-smart David?

- Maybe that's him right now.

Do you want the house to yourself?
For just a little while?

- I got your texts. You swore a lot.

- Who is she?
- Who is who?

Your new girlfriend. I need her name
and address so I can mess her up.

I don't have a new girlfriend.

- Don't play dumb, Dylan.
- I'm not.

I'm never playing dumb.

I saw you at that stupid restaurant...

sharing a sundae,
with her ugly sweatshirt on the chair.

- Oh, is that the skank?
- No. No, there's... there's no skank.

- Well, then why aren't you answering it?

- Because I wanna talk to you.
- Well, I wanna talk to her.

I'm gonna call her back and tell her to
keep her hands off of what belongs to me.

Haley...

- Hello?
- Dad?

Haley?

Oh, my God.
The sweatshirt.

That was you with Dylan?

Wait, you're the other girl?

No! We're just friends.

- Phil...
- Shh!

Okay, put the phone down.
What is going on?

He needed someone to talk to.

He took the breakup pretty hard.

- But...
- You did?

- Yeah. I kept on hoping we'd get back together.

Thinking of you with someone else
just... just drove me crazy.

Oh, me too, baby.

But then your dad helped me figure out
maybe it's best if we're apart.

Nice.
- I mean...

- I think I just need a little time to date Dylan.
- Mm-hmm.

And I mean me,
not another guy named Dylan.

So, we're still broken up?

Yeah, I think so.

Well, okay.

Um...

I don't... I'll see you.

Yeah.

- Um...
- Bye!

Are you okay, baby?
Do you need another pillow?

I know you think this is nothing,
but he did say it could be an ulcer.

He also said it could be gas.

Do you want me to burp you?
Come here. Come here.

Dollars to doughnuts it's diverticulitis.

Actually, it's not.

Aha!

You have acute appendicitis. We need
to get you into surgery right away.

Emergency surgery.
I told you it was something.

- Aha!
- That can't be right. You have to check again.

The tests are conclusive. Everything
will be all right, Mr. Pritchett. Let's go.

No, Jay! If that's true, then I'm the
worst wife in the whole wide world!

I made you suffer for two whole days!

- Honey, it's okay.
- No, it's not okay!

Why? Why do I always
almost kill my husbands?

And I wanna hear this story sometime, but
I'm sorta counting down to a rupture here!

No! You can't go without forgiving me!

- What if you die in there? What do I do without you?
- I forgive you!

- But nobody dies of an appendectomy.
- True.

It's usually the anesthesia that gets you.
You're over 60, right?

I will never forget you, Jay!

Could you go back to not caring, please?

Mitchell, it's Barb.

Oh. Barb, I'm so sorry.

Well, no, h-honey, you hush. Look, I...

I've been thinking about what I heard...

and... maybe I do touch you too much.

And I could say
it's 'cause we're family...

but, you know, I don't know.

I guess I have been
having some fun with you, and I...

I-I-I thought that it was harmless...

but I would never want
to make you uncomfortable.

Barb, it's my fault too.

- So we're okay?
- Yes! Yes, of course.

Thank God.

Because I couldn't live with myself...

if things stayed weird between us.

- Uh, Cam! Cam!
- What is it?

- Well, we got it all worked out, sweetie!
- Oh, great!

- Let me get my camera.
- Okay, that's not necessary, h... No!

From now on, if I go too far...

- please, you just tell me about it.
- Okay.

What is th... Oh!

Almost lost my bracelet.

- Oh, wait a minute!
- And there it is. Okay.

Oh, dang it!
- I'll get it.

Oh, no. I saw where it fell, honey.

- Force field! Force field!

- What's going on?

- I lost my bracelet in here.
- Mama!

Listen, I think this might be
one of those situations...

where Mitchell feels like
you're crossing a boundary.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- This too?
- Yeah.

Well.

L...

I've gotta have a good, long think
about how I conduct myself.

I'm truly sorry, Mitchell.

It's okay. It's okay.

- Well, let's take one quick picture...
Yeah.

- And we'll get out of his way.
- Absolutely.

- Scooch together there.
It's all right.

Okay.

Hey.

I miss him.

Yeah.

He was your first real boyfriend.

I keep expecting him to show up.

He used to come by at night
and I'd sneak out to see him.

- Yeah, I know.
- You knew?

His car's 30 years old
and doesn't have a muffler.

And he honked.

I loved that car.

I rode in it to the guitar store.

I felt like I was flying.

I know it hurts now, sweetheart, but...

that's how you know
it was a relationship worth having.

Oh.

Thanks, Dad.

So, Dylan, are you lovin' Graceland?

So, Dylan, are you lovin' Graceland?

Yeah, that's true.

Probably would be cooler
if they had roller coasters.

Still, it's fun to see
where the King lived, huh?

No. No, no, no. That's just an expression.

America doesn't have a king.

Yeah.

Oh, sure. Uh-huh.

When?

Well, that's not always the case.

Huh?

So, did you get a chance to
listen to that song I sent you?

No? You got seven minutes?

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