Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Manny Get Your Gun - full transcript

A birthday dinner for Manny at a family restaurant turns into a race for Phil and Claire and a chance for Cameron to socialize at a shopping mall while looking for a gift.

Good afternoon. Thanks for coming.

It's so nice to spend my birthday

surrounded by so
many smiling faces.

I was almost too
depressed to come today.

I realized I let my
childhood slip away.


come on, everybody!

We're gonna be late
for Manny's birthday!

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

I'm ready, mom.

-You sure, honey?

Then take a quick
peek at your feet.

Oh! Come on, Luke!

Are you gonna walk faster,
or should I get Lily's stroller

out of the car and push you?

Would you relax?
The restaurant's like

five minutes away from here...
ohh, free lotion.

Stop stopping to smell the roses.
Manny's present.

Ohh, you are such a pritchett.

What's that supposed to mean?

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

I'm looking for the keys!

Of course you are.

I like being on time.

It's easy 'cause I'm organized.

Not my wife.

You'd think growing up

in a place full of death
squads and drunken uncles,

she'd have learned to
move a little bit faster.

Ay! Sorry, sorry.

I couldn't find my earring.

So, what were we talking about, huh?

Honey, come on.
We're gonna be late. Let's go.

Yeah, yeah, just filling out
the application to family camp.

-You don't win the "dirty dancing" competition

and not go back to
defend your crown.

Hmm. That's right. Come on, honey.

But shoot for the king...

You better kill him.

Every summer, we spend
a week at family camp.

It's just like regular camp,
but with the family!

Yeah. I don't think that
needed any clarification, Phil.

Somebody's still a little toy

-about losing last year's color war.

-She was on team blue...

Or as I like to refer
to them as team blue-zer.

-And I was on white.
-That's good.

-And if you ain't white...

You ain't right!

Phil! Have you learned nothing?


my good man.

Okay, come on, everybody.
Front door! Now!

Claire, relax. It takes
15 minutes to get there.

It takes 20 minutes.

If we take your route.

Well, my way is the most direct.

Directly into traffic.

Uh, your way is directly into...
The suckiest way.

Want to make this interesting?

Yeah, I don't think
that's possible.

We take two cars and see
who gets there first.

Fine. Fine.
Let's do that. It's on.

Yeah! It is on!

I'll take the girls.

Luke, your dad and
I are splitting up.

Why? Another one of
their stupid arguments.

Okay. I'll go with dad.

No, no. Buddy. Come with me.

Prepare to be... my shoes.

Come on, Phil!

How do I look?

Like al Capone.


Happy Birthday, kid.

Whoa! A bb gun?!

Enjoy. That's the best
gift my dad ever gave me.

My keys are nowhere!

We're gonna have
to go in your car.

It's in the shop.

Where was the last place
you put your keys?

Oh, so now it's my fault?

Where was the last place
you put my keys? Mm-hmm.

In your hand when I
bought you the car.

Hey, Jay, on the box,
it says "ages 16 and up."

Is this an appropriate
gift for me?

Are you kidding me?
You were born 16.

You know, we wouldn't
be having this problem

if you hadn't lost the spare set.

I didn't lose them.

Somebody came in
here and stole them!

And left the car.

What do you mean, I was born 16?

I'm just saying,
you were never much of a kid.

And that's a good thing,
'cause I never liked kids.

You know, you ought
to try the fridge.

'Cause that's where we
found your cellphone.

It was only one time, Jay.

And you know I always eat
after I talk to my mother.

Happy Birthday, old man.

Well, I've forgotten a
lot of things in my life.

But what Jay said hit me hard.

I'd forgotten to have a childhood.

Dad, that was a stop sign.

I'll stop twice on the way back.

Oh, good, it'll give
us a chance to pick up

that hubcap you lost cutting
through the temple parking lot.

Yellow... yellow!


Are you seeing this?

We are making every light,
and we don't even have to speed.

The system works.


I know, I went a
little fast back there,

but, really, 40 is the same as 35.

You say that a lot.

I don't think you two
appreciate what's at stake here

our lives? You know
I love your mother,

but I think you also know
a certain look she gets

that says, "just listen to me,
I'm always right."

You mean her face?

N-now we're getting this.

If we're right this one time,

then we never have
to be right again.

When she says, "that balloon
can't carry a person, Phil,"

I say, "Manny's birthday."

"Take your jacket, Alex.
I think it's gonna rain."

"Manny's birthday."

Don't look at me.
Look at the road.

"Manny's birthday." No,
dad! Look at the road! There's a truck!

Sweet baby!

We are so kicking your dad's butt!

We are the best ones!

How come you and dad
are breaking up?


If it's just a
little disagreement,

can't you just work it out?

Oh, sweetie, you thought

that when I said we
were splitting up...

No. No, your dad and
I are fine, honey.

We just were gonna
take separate cars

to see who could get to
the restaurant faster.

Oh, that's a relief.

Ohh, you must have been
feeling awful back there.

I am so sorry.

It's okay.

Why did you say you'd
go with your dad?

Great. Mom gets to be right again.

Hey, bad attitudes lose races.

No, swerving into a curb and
popping your tire loses races.

We should call the cops and
say mom's car was stolen.

They arrest her, we win.

No, they trace those calls.

But this is great.
Thinking like a team!

Good practice for family camp.

We're, uh, we're doing that again?

Oh, yeah!

And this year I predict
total white domination.

Can't go back there.

I heard this summer there's
gonna be a hoedown.

I can't.


I can't! I can't.

Eight minutes talking to the
lady at the stationery store

and still no present.

You know, I think a new
friend is like a present.

Yeah, I read that card, too.

Can we please just buy
the next thing we see

and get out of here?

You know, why can't
you enjoy this?

It's a beautiful afternoon,
Lily's with a sitter.

The day is ours!





Oh, look at that. Another friend.
Off we go. Very busy.

No. Stop.

You are too tied to
your rigid schedules.

You're missing life.

It took all of two seconds
to help this nice man.

W-w-wait. Wait. There's more.

Two seconds. Yeah.

Tell her I'm so sorry,
I've always loved her.

He says he's so sorry!

And that he's always loved you!

Please come up and talk to me.

Please come up and talk to him!

His life would be
empty without you!

I'm sorry I'm going off script.
It just felt right.

Oh. Good. Oh.

-T-too late. -No, you know what?

Give him your cellphone.

I'll chase Helen down
and give her my phone.

They can hash it out.

Are you... are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious
as a heart attack.

You always do this.

Now we're gonna be
late to our own party.

Stop shouting.

Well, technically,
I wasn't really...

uh, yes, hello.
Is Seymour butts there?

I'd never made a prank call...

Never mixed different
sodas together

to see what they'd taste like.

So I knew I had to make the most

of what little
childhood I had left.

Not "lutts."
I'm looking for butts.

Yes, I'm trying to
get ahold of butts.

Very funny. I don't have
time for this foolishness.

Maybe if you had a system
for where you leave things.

I have a system.

I put down things,
then I remember where I put them.

And that would be preferable

to, say, putting them
on the key holder

which just happens to
look like a large key.

Stop screaming!

What are you doing?

Turning back the clock.


Don't judge me.
You've never been married.

This never happened.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

That's a good man.

Boy. I'm a boy!

You all right? You okay?

W-why do you ask?

Oh. Okay. Well,
I think this is for you.

I-I don't know what to say to him.

Just open your heart
and listen, Helen.



I dropped your phone.

Yeah. I was here when it happened.

Okay. It's all right.
We'll just...

I can't. I-I just can't.

Helen, you have to try.
I once almost let my own fears

stop me from embarking
on a relationship,

-and I would have lost the love of my life.



Hang on. Hang on, Helen!

I'll have you down in a jiffy!

Hold on tight! Ow. Nails.

-Helen. Nails. Nails. Nails.

Helen, please just
give me a chance.

Give him a chance!!

She's right here.

Cam, come on.
We're running out of time.

We're running out of time?

Go to him.

Ohh, I-it's nice that you
care so much about us.

Without love we're nothing.

But what about his wife?

It was a pure meeting you both.


I get it, Luke.
You think he's the fun one.

That's why you'd go with him.


You think your dad is
more fun than I am.


-Dad's, like, crazy-fun. -Mm-hmm.

But you're nice.

I'm nice?!

Well, not now.

Tell him.

-Tell me what?

Hey, what do we call
daddy's car, girls?

The cone of trust.

The cone of trust. Exactamundo.

Where you can speak your
mind with no judgment.

So, what is it? Boys?

Your bodies are changing? Eggs?

No! No.

We were just thinking
that maybe...

if you're open to it...

dad, we love you,
but we do not want

to go to family camp this year.

Dad? Are you upset?


Then what was that sniff?

Sniff? What sniff? I'm...
I'm, uh...

I'm actually relieved.

The day that I've been dreading,

uh, the day when you
two finally outgrow me,

has finally arrived,

and I'm handling it really well.

Dad, are you crying?


-Are you sure you're okay?

Oh, my God. He is crying.

I've never seen dad cry before.

But, dad, if you cry,
then I'll cry!

I'm not crying.

We made our daddy cry!

You called me daddy?

Because you are our daddy!

I'll always be your daddy!

Don't cry, mom.

I am not crying.

Let me fill you in on
a little secret, Luke.

When I met your dad,
I was fun, too.

But I had to give all that up,

because you can't
have two fun parents.

That's a carnival.

You know that kid Liam who
wears pajama pants to school

and pays for things
with a $100 bill?

Two fun parents.
Mark my words. Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God! Ohh!

You're fun, too, mom. Uh-huh.

I just said I'd go with dad

because I think he'd need me more.

How come I do all the looking
and you do all the sitting?

'Cause you do all the losing.

Oh, and you're this close

of doing all the sleeping
in a tent in the backyard!

Did you check your purse?

Yes, of course!

It's a big purse.
You might want to look again.


I check. You rest.

No. There's nothing.

You're sure?

Yes. I've looked twice now.

There's nothing. Okay.

Then you better call us a cab!



What the hell?
Where'd that thing come from?

Christmas. Two years ago.
Never took it out of the box.

"Who would enjoy that?" I thought.

A kid, that's who.

Well, come on.
We've got your party.

What's the point? You were right.
I-I was born 16.

I've lost my childhood.

Why did you want me to look
again in my purse, Jay, huh?

Is it because you put
the keys in there?

No. Why did you find it?

Yes, I found them because
you put the keys in there!

Manny, what the hell
are you doing there?

He wants to cancel his party
because he missed his childhood.

The party that I have
rescheduled three times,

changed the restaurant twice

so that the whole family
could be together?!

Please send my regrets.

Now, if I could have
a little privacy...

Privacy?! Esto es lo
que me faltaba a m?.

Privacy?! ¿en esta casa?

Is that a skateboard down there?

The second thing that slipped
right out from under me today.

Okay, time to get out.

The first was my childhood.

I get it!

I am so sick of stubborn men!

You, you act like a little boy

that doesn't want to
accept that he's wrong.

And you like a sad old man
that doesn't wt to be happy!

That's it!

-You could have shot me!
-Come on, Manny.

I could've unbuttoned
your shirt if I wanted to.

Now come here, or sink!

And I'm taking this
with me in the car.


I know that face, Mitchell.

Okay, a-and we're walking.

It means you were
right and I was wrong

for trying to help two people.

-Fair enough.

A-actually, the most
adult adulterers ever.

But my impulse was still right.

-Oh, God. Here we go.
-Life is about being...

yes. You know what? Here we do go.

It's about being spontaneous.

It's about throwing
yourself into something,

not working long hours
every night at the office.

It's like you're living your l...

what is this? I don't know.

Excuse me, constable,
what... what is going on?

Oh, it's a flash mob!
It's a flash mob!

Ooh! We saw it on YouTube.

People get together and
choreograph big dance numbers!

We should go.
T-this is kind of weird.

No, this is joyful, Mitchell.

You, of all people, should...

cam's right.
I can be a little rigid.

So when Chad from accounting,
who I always thought was gay

but apparently is not,

um, told me about this flash mob,

I thought, "hells yes."

Uh, we've been practicing after
work a couple of nights a week.

And it's... it's been
a big commitment,

but it's totally worth it.

This dance is my
love letter to cam.

Okay, so, this is why I
was rushing you around.

Huh? What do you think of me now?

How could you, Mitchell?

What? Cameron.

-Not now. Donald!

You do fun stuff.

You put that potato
chip in my sandwich.

That was a crunchy surprise.

Nope, that was your dad.
Everything fun is your dad.

Second Christmas,
Italian-accent night...

This race.

Which we could've won.
Your way is way faster.

It is, isn't it?

Buckle up, Luke.

Today you have two fun parents.

Come on, mom. You can do it.

That's right I can.

Tell me the truth, Jay.

Did you put the key in my bag?


I won't be mad.

In order to prove a point,
I may have...

I knew it! Ow!

Why did I get you
such a big watch?!

Why, Jay?! What point
did you have to prove?!

I'm trying to teach
you to be organized.

Your mind is scattered, Gloria.

Your mind is gonna be scattered.

Manny, hand me the gun!

I appreciate the gesture,

and I'm not proud of how
I'm feeling right now,

but the fact is,
you cheated on me.

In what way did I cheat on you?

U cheated on me with choreography,

and that is the worst kind.

Well, it really isn't.

You danced without me, Mitchell!

If I'd known it was
my last summer there,

I'd have gone for the
lead in "pippin."

Dad, look up ahead.
Coming at us. There's mom!

Beat her!

I don't think he's in the
mood for that right now.

Hold on. No.

If ever a man needed a win,
it's this man.

What do you say, dad?

Okay. This one's for family camp.



Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Ohhh...

-This is so inappropriate!
-I love you!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

-Mom, look out!


Anybody hurt?

I am.

I was almost too
depressed to come today.

I realized I let my
childhood slip away.

Look at Luke there...

Making one big straw out of three.

Never change, Luke.

I really thought it
was too late for me.

But watching all you
acting like children,

it hit me... I've got plenty
of time left to be a kid.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me.

Happy Birthday, Manny.

Happy Birthday, Manny.

I have been a child.

I'm sorry I hid the keys.

I'm sorry I shoot the island. Mmm.

We're totally racing home.

I'm way ahead of you.

As usual.

They say it's going
to be a rainy weekend.

They don't know.

I do. My knee's been
singing all morning.


Mother of g...

put them down and walk away.

You know, Gloria...

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