Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Dance Dance Revelation - full transcript

Claire is threatened when Gloria becomes her co-chair for a school dance, Jay bullies Phil into taking a stand during a trip to the mall, and Mitchell and Cameron discover that their daughter is a biter.



- Okay, I'll... I'll get that.

- Hello?

Hey, Manny's getting his outfit together
for the dance tonight...

I was just taking
some supplies out to the car.

Isn't this exciting,
the boys' first dance?

Greatest day of my life.
Does Phil have a green pocket square for him?

- Teal.
- Teal.

I don't know. I don't think Phil's really
a pocket square kind of a guy.

Wow.

Wow.

Why don't we conference in Mitch?

Ay, look. This might work.

Well, except that it's turquoise.

Oh, and a bra!

Do you think the kids in my village
have pocket squares?

Here we go with the village.

- Dad, you still there?
- Unfortunately, yes.

Please ask Claire what time do I need
to be at the school to help set up.

- Gloria wants to know...
- No, I heard. I heard.

Um, tell her thank you so much, but we
have all the help we could possibly need...

and she doesn't even have to come
tonight if she doesn't want to.

- Claire said...
- I heard.

- Hello?

- Oh, hey, Mitch. Where are you?
- Oh, we're at the park.

You would not believe how
some of these people dress their kids.

Lily's friend just pulled a Britney Spears
getting out of a sandbox car.

So Dad's on the line.

Do you have a teal
pocket square for Manny?

Cam, Manny needs a teal pocket square.

- Oh, I've got teal, I've got aqua, I've got seafoam.
- Yeah, Cam's got one.

- Cam's got one.
- Yes!

Oh, you know what? I lent it to Andre.

Uh, he lent it to Andre.

- Flag on the play.
- What's that mean?

What's it mean?

Now I got to go to the mall.

Is this okay?

Oh, hey, Luke has to go to the mall too.

- What?
Phil.

Let's go, Incredible Hulk.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Is that your little girl over there, Lily?

- Yes. Look at her.
- Yes.

Uh, this is a little bit awkward,
but she bit Tyler.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, my goodness.

I... I don't even know what to say.

She's never done anything like that before.
How did it happen?

I don't know. I didn't see it.

- Uh-huh.
- Mm-hmm.

It's time to play everyone's favorite game.

"Let's blame the gay dads."

- You know who had straight parents... Adolf Hitler.
- Charles Manson.

- Shall we go on?
- Naomi Campbell.

I know it happened.

He's got bite marks on his arm.

Oh, wow, yeah. Oh, gosh.

Someone really sunk
their teeth into ya, huh?

It's 'cause you're such
a yummy little guy. Yes.

Our daughter didn't do that.

- But he said...
- Right.

He's probably just confused.

You know who I bet did it, though? Billy.

Rhymes with "Lily."
Plus, he is very aggressive.

His babysitter is right over there.

She's... She's not much
of a disciplinarian.

Because I can assure you...

if our child did something like this...

we would be on her like white on rice.

And I know that sounds
a little bit like a racial slur...

because we're white
and she presumably likes rice...

but I didn't intend it that way.

Ah, finally. There's a spot.

Oh.

Guys, I am just bursting
with pride right now.

Your first dance.
Soon you're gonna be men.

I want you to know
there's more to being a man...

than just shopping for fancy outfits.

Yep. Pretty soon you get
some hair on your chest.

You start answering the phone,
people don't think you're ladies.

Come on. Today, Miss Daisy.

Actually, Miss Daisy was the one
being driven, not the one driving.

- Never saw it.
- It's called Driving Miss Daisy.

You got a real lip on you today,
you know that?

Hey, that was our spot!

What are you doing?
You gonna let him snake your spot?

Not worth it.

Boys, here's the only thing
you gotta know about being a man...

never let someone take what is yours.

Unless it's just a parking spot
and there's plenty of others.

That's sweet, Phil.
You ought to write that down.

You got any lipstick in your purse?

I love Jay.
Are you kidding me? He's my boy.

Yeah, he gives me a hard time,
but that's the deal with a father-in-law.

The key is, I never let him see
just how much it devastates me.

- It's Dunphy.
- That's what I said... Dumphy.

No, not "Dum." Dunphy.

Dumphy.

- Say "Dun."
- Dun.

- Say "phy."
- Phy.

- Dunphy.
- Dumphy.

All right, just bring it this way.
This way.

There it is. Perfect. Thank you. Perfect.

- Claire!
- What?

Can you ask Gus to fix that light?

- I asked him, but he just growled at me.
- Oh, gosh. Okay.

Gus, stop scaring Bethenny
and fix the light, please.

Don't make me come over there.

I'm busy. You fix it.

Is this because I said
I wouldn't come to the dance with you?

Gus, I'm a married woman.
People would talk.

One dance with me,
you'd forget all about it.

Yeah, I already have a husband
who doesn't fix lights.

Please?

- Thank you so much.

This school would literally
fall apart without you.

Oh, well, I don't know
about "literally," but...

? Hola! ? Hola! I'm here.

Oh, you came anyway. That's great.

I think it's great too.

A few weeks ago, they asked for someone
to be in charge of the school dance...

and I volunteered.

The school asks for volunteers
so that everybody will feel included.

But who are they kidding?
They want me to do it.

I've put on every school dance
since Haley was 12. It's my thing.

They made us cochairs...

which means we're supposed
to do everything together.

But Claire won't take any of my ideas.

She suggested an Arabian Nights theme.

Isn't it a little soon?

Okay. Hey, everybody...

do you know Gloria, Manny's mom?

- She's here to help us out today.
- I'm the cochair.

Oh.
Mm-hmm.

So the kids are gonna be here in two
hours, so everybody back to work.

Everybody back to work.

I just said that.

And I just co-said it.

I mean the nerve of that lady,
accusing Lily.

Mmm. You know what?
You can't change people, Cam.

I mean, we just have to rise above.

- Ow! Ohh!
- What happened?

- She bit me.
- Are you serious?

Ohh! She did it again.
It's like Twilight back here.

- No. No ice cream for you, Billy...

because the lady say you biting.

- Okay, go, go!
- Yeah.

- Go, go, go. Drive.
- Okay.

Are you sure this is teal?

'Cause I'm starting to get
a real strong green thing here.

That's the fluorescent lights.

Do you mind if I walk this
over to Lamps Galore?

I need you to worry about this less.

Guess who fit into the suit
on the mannequin and saved us 20%?

Here's something I didn't know about
mannequins... they don't have a wiener.

What the heck is that?

It's a nicer word for "penis."

No, I mean, what the heck is this?

- It's a tie.
- It's teal.

I don't care.
I just grabbed the first one I saw.

- Well, grab a different one.
- No!

Now I like it.

Uh, I think we were here first.

I just have one thing. I'm in a big rush.

- So are we.
- That's fine. Go ahead.

- Seriously.
- Jay, it's not a big deal.

And can you give me the sale prices
for some things I bought last week?

Oh, for God's sake!
Now this is what I'm talking about, boys.

You give people an inch,
they'll run all over you.

Or you could just be nice.
Pay it forward.

They don't make movies out of bad ideas.

All I know is you gotta fight
for what you want.

If there's one job available, this guy just
got it and they go hungry at the Dumphys.

Dunphys.

Okay, I don't get it. Why is she biting?

- Lily, why are you biting?
- She's not biting, she's teething.

On people. All right, she starts biting
her playdates, she's gonna be a pariah.

- Try piranha.
- Really, Cam?

It was right there.

All right, you should also
know that I, in no way...

in no way blame you.

- Thank you. Why would you blame me?
- I don't.

- Well, good, because I don't blame you.
- Well, obviously.

- Uh, okay, well, now I'm starting to feel the blame.
- No.

No. Don't. It's...
It's just that you're with her all day.

Oh, wow. I have a daughter who bites
and a partner who stings.

Okay. Okay, you want to know the truth?

- Sometimes you send her some mixed signals.

I'm gonna bite your feet.
I'm gonna bite 'em right off.

Oh, I'm not the one
who uses my teeth like a multi-tool.

Here we go.

Cookies for Lily...

wine for us.

Okay.

I can't believe you would equate that...

Don't bite my head off.
I'm not a pack of batteries.

- Whoa!
- ?Ay!

- Why is this box here?
- I am sorry. We did because we were moving the tables.

Why are you moving the tables?

- So the kids have more space to dance. It's better this way.
- Is it really, Gloria?

Because right now it kinda just looks like
a clump of tables and a big open space.

Look, I'm sorry, but we've
always done it this way.

And I think it's gonna throw people off
if you move them around.

Oh, my God.
These tables look great. Who did this?

- I did.
- I love it.

Hello.

We haven't been properly introduced.
I'm Gloria.

I'm Bethenny.

I don't know if anybody's ever told
you this, but you're really pretty.

No. No, Bethenny,
no one's ever told her that.

I am seriously freaking out
about these tables.

You know what? Let's just put a pin in
where we're gonna put the tables.

Yes, we're keeping the tables.

So what else can I do?

- Um, you can... help me with the chairs.
- Okay.

We need a lot of them.
They're under the stage right here, so...

It's like dirty and dark there, no?

Yeah, I know. Bummer, right?

Ew!

- Off you go.
- It smells funny, Claire!

- So sorry. Keep going.

What? We needed chairs.

What are you guys talking about?

No, nothing. He was just saying
how much he loves the tables.

If I had the receipt,
I wouldn't need you to look it up.

At this rate, I'm gonna
miss the first dance... at my wedding.

I thought he only had one item?

Tell your dad if it were up to me, we'd have
been in and out of here in about 10 minutes.

- You mentioned that.
- And I'll probably mention it again.

- Because thanks to someone, we're gonna be here a while.
- Yeah, I get it.

- Luke, you should order that suit in a larger size...
- I get it.

- Because by the time we get out of here...
- Pay for the suit.

- Where the hell are you going?
- Luke needs socks.

Make 'em teal.

You're playing a very dangerous game.

Hey, boys.

Look who it is, the guy
that stole our parking spot.

Are you going to hit him?
I'd totally hit him.

I'm not gonna hit him, but I'm gonna
give him a piece of my mind.

Now, boys, pay attention. You wanna be men?
This is how you handle a jerk like this.

Hey, chief.

- You know, you stole our parking space today.
- What?

That's right. I was waiting for the parking
space, you sneaked right in there.

That make you feel like a big man?

- Did I? I didn't even notice.
- That's no excuse.

I'm really sorry.

My dog died today.
I had to put him to sleep.

Fourteen years.

He was all I had.

Now I can't stand the thought of
going back to my empty apartment.

- So I just keep wandering around the mall.
- You know what?

Forget about the... spot.

God! That was his name!

Do not hit him.

Oasis for Men?

That's funny.

You made that sound like a question,
then you didn't wait for me to answer.

- What?
- Here, let me show you.

You go... You go, "Oasis for... Men?"

You see what I mean?
You went "Oasis for... Men?"

You should have said, "Oasis for Men."
Then I go, "Yeah. Give me two."

But instead, you went, "Oasis for... Men."

- Okay, I get it.
- You see what I mean?

- I get it!
- No, I'm not sure you do! You sprayed before "men."

You went "Oasis for... Men."

- Okay. Okay.
- Men. Men.

- Okay, stop it.
- Men! Men!

- Men! Men! Men!
- Stop it!

- Men! Men! Men! Men! Men!
- Stop it! Stop it!

- Men! Men! Men! Men!

- Hey, Phil.
- Hey.

I don't know what happened.

I just... I... I don't know what happened.

Look, I might have come down
on you a little bit hard today. I'm sorry.

I remember pretending
to go look for some socks.

I mean, it's, uh, my fault.
I pushed your buttons.

My father-in-law was the same way
with me. It was horrible.

Grandpa Lucus? He was a sweetheart.

Yeah, after the stroke mellowed
him out good. Before, an animal.

We named Luke after him.

Everything I did was wrong.

If I said it was white,
he'd say it was black.

Although he never said anything was black,
'cause he was a pretty big racist.

- I wear his watch.
- I hated him.

Hated him!

And I was thinking, I don't know...

I don't want you to think
the same way about me.

You ever think about maybe
not being a jerk to me so much?

You see, you got to stop taking
that stuff personally.

I'm like that with everybody.
I'm tough.

And mean.

I don't like to take guff.

- Or people's feelings into consideration.
- Okay, okay.

I can't swear my way is the right way.

I see you smiling, skipping around...

and I think sometimes, I don't know,
maybe the boys would be better off...

if they were a little bit more like you.

You know skipping burns more calories
than running, that's...

We're done here.

Oh, hey, listen. They didn't tell me, but
what did you do to that guy? Did you get him?

- Yeah. I sprayed him with cologne.
- I'm sorry I asked.

No, but like a lot of cologne.
I just like got way up in there.

Good boy.

- Did you find anything yet?
- Yes. There's a whole section on biting on this mommy forum.

Oh, good. What does it say?

"My son was biting,
so I got a stranger to yell at him.

Being disciplined by someone else outside
the family scared him into stopping."

- Idiots!
- Cam.

I am not hiring some hobo to come
over here and traumatize my child.

She's already prone to flashbacks,
if you know what I mean.

Okay, you know she didn't
fight in Vietnam, right?

I don't know anything anymore.
What else does it say?

Okay, well, this one says,
"When my daughter bit her brother...

I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth.

She cried and cried,
but she never bit again." Smiley face.

Oh, well, the smiley face makes it okay.

I waterboarded our toddler. LOL.

All right, what do you suggest we do?

That we log off the Spanish Inquisition
Web site and handle this with love.

Okay, Lily.

# Take a bite of an apple #

# Take a bite of a pear #

# Take a bite of the cookie
that you left over there #

# Here's one thing
you should never do #

# Don't bite Taylor
or Brandon or Sue #

# Because people aren't food
People aren't food #

# Your friends will run away
if they're scared of being chewed #

# And as a side note,
private parts are private ##.

Well, problem solved.

I know you're being sarcastic,
but you don't know that it's not. Ow!

Honey.

- Did she just bite you again?
- No.

- That is it. I am getting the pepper.
- No. No, you are not.

Cam, you're not doing her any favors
by being soft.

Why don't you just skip the pepper, I'll get
some pliers and we'll pull her teeth now!

- Relax. It's a seasoning.
- Okay, well, then, why don't you try some?

- Stop it.
- No, try a little.

- Stop it.
- No, try a little bit.

- Stop it.
- Don't you hit me.

- Stop it.
- Here, put some in there. Ow! You bit me.

Well, why don't you
sing me a song about it.

##

##

Oh, look at you two in your matching ties.

- Don't get me started.
- Oh, come here.

- Luke, sweetie, are you wearing cologne?
- No.

Dad attacked the perfume guy
and then hugged me.

Okay.

I saw the boys in those
adorable little suits...

and it made me realize
this dance is about them.

It's not about me and my
petty little competition with...

with Gloria.

##

Who wears that to a kids' dance?

I know. She looks amazing.

Okay, I'm gonna slow things down with
a blast from the past for our chaperones.

- Give them a hand.
- ##

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's not a problem.

# Now I look into your eyes #

# I can see forever #

# The search is over #.

- Oh.
- # You were with me all the while #

##

I'm... I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

- I don't need a paper towel.
- I'm sorry. I didn't even see you.

No, of course you didn't.
Of course you didn't.

'Cause it's Gloria's night.

That's right.
It's all about Gloria, Gloria, Gloria.

When you're done getting married...

maybe you could mop this up a little.

What was that?

It's this damn uniform.

##

- Okay, we need to talk.
- No, I am fine. I do not need to talk.

Well, you've been pushing me away the whole week.
You've been fighting all my ideas.

That's because this is
my thing, Gloria.

Why can't it be my thing too, Claire?

Because everything is your thing.

This... This is the one thing
that was my thing.

This is my only thing.
Oh, my God. This is my only thing.

And then you come along
and you steal my thunder...

with your tight dresses
and your great ideas.

I was the one that all the moms looked
up to. I was the only one Gus liked.

Please, if you like him so much,
you can keep him.

It's not the same now
that I know he likes you.

That sounds really insane,
but this isn't actually about Gus.

Really? Because you've been
talking a lot about him.

Gloria, Gus is a symbol.

A sex symbol?

Oh, stop it, Gloria. I'm already crying.

Claire, I didn't come here
to steal your thunder.

Your thunder is your thunder
and my thunder is my thunder.

I know. It's just that God
gave you so much thunder.

Yeah, maybe too much.

I hate how those woman look at me.

You think I don't know what they're thinking?
"Ah, here comes the hot one...

with the big boobies
that is gonna steal my husband."

And maybe they don't
let their kids play with Manny.

I volunteer because I want them to see
that there is so much more to me.

Why didn't you tell me that?

Maybe for the same reason you didn't
tell me you had a weird thing for Gus.

- It's embarrassing.
- Okay.

I am sorry. I made this whole thing
into some ridiculous competition...

and I'm pathetic.

- You're not pathetic.

Okay, that's a little bit sad.

We like to think we're so smart...

and we have all the answers.

And we want to pass all that
on to our children.

But if you scratch
beneath the surface...

you don't have to dig very deep
to find the kid you were.

Which is why it's kinda crazy that
now we're raising kids of our own.

You know what? This is a milestone.

We're accepting that
our little angel isn't perfect.

That's right, and it's okay.

I... I take it back.

- She is perfect.

I guess that's
the real circle of life.

Your parents faked their way through it...

you fake your way through it...

and hopefully you don't
raise a serial killer.

Ow!

That's not funny.

I am so sorry.

I am so sorry.

No, just come over. We'll watch a movie,
put the whole thing behind you.

Okay, see you in a bit.

- That was Longines. He's in a very bad place.
- Oh, no. What happened?

Well, apparently some maniac
went crazy at the mall...

and attacked him with Oasis for Men.

Oh, well, I think we all knew
that day was coming.

All right, wish me luck.

Good luck.

Okay, honey, please don't hurt daddy.

All right, ahh.

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