Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 17 - Two Monkeys and a Panda - full transcript

Phil spends the day at the spa while Claire tries to replace Haley's favorite sweater, Cameron discovers Mitchell's dirty secret about Lily's adoption, and Jay and Gloria argue over their final resting place.

How many people have ordered
DVDS and haven't paid for them?


I could stop by on my way to school.
It's really important.

Um- Uh, Cheryl,
can I call you back?

Okay. Great. Bye.
Yes, Phil. what?

I was going through your drawer in the
bathroom looking for some lip stuff...

'cause my-
Lips were dry.

God, you know me.

Remember the spa certificates we got
at the children's hospital auction?

Mm-hmm. Well, look at this.
They expire tomorrow.

Oh, well,
what are you gonna do?

Claire, I don't think you're grasping
the magnitude of this package...

valued at over $250.

- Sweetie-
- If you don't use 'em,

then all our money
just goes to charity.

Somewhere between dropping off Alex at
orchestra and picking up Luke from practice,

oh, and burning a bunch of DVDS
of the talent show,

I'm gonna What,
pop in for a quick salt scrub?

I thought Cheryl
was doing the DVDS.

She's supposed to,
but somehow she's got me doing it.

Here's what you do.
You say, “Cheryl, no can do today.

Need a little me time.
” [Laughs] Have you met Cheryl?

That'll be my new nickname. I'll be Claire “Me
Time” Dunphy. It's not worth the headache.

Just say you're sick. Then I'll run
into her and it'll be a whole thing.

If that happens, say you were
on your way to the pharmacy.

Phil, darling, no. Not helping.

Fine. I'll give them
to Florence Gunderman at work.

Her hands are gross
ever since she took up the banjo.

Hey, Mom, I need some money for lunch.
We're all gonna go-

Oh, my God! Take off my sweater!
Mom, tell her to take it off!

Alex, take it off.

Last week she wore my sweatshirt
without asking. That is true.

Oh, please, that was an honor
for your stupid old sweatshirt.

It was the first time
the top half got any exercise.

Now, Mom, that's my favorite sweater.
I just got it.

You know what you girls need to learn to do?
You need to learn to share.

Because that's
what sisters do.

All right, Haley, nothings
gonna happen to your sweater.

Right, Alex? Hmm?

Okay, fine.

Then I will just go put on
your favorite nerdy T-shirt,

the one with the guy
from Back to the Future on it.

That's Albert Einstein.
And it is not nerdy.


[ Door Opens ] [ Mitchell ] Hi.

- Hey, Daddy. How was the farmer's market?
- Well, it was great.

- But guess what the new spinach is.
- Um, radicchio?

- Kale.
- No!

I know. I was just
as blown away as you are.

Oh! Well, I guess we're going
to have to adopt- yay-

a new attitude towards kale.

Maybe we'll even adopt...
a new Vinaigrette.

Adopt. Yay!

Okay, what's going on here?

I'm taking the negative charge
out of the word “adopted” Yay.

What did Oprah do now?

She had a girl on who at 16
found out that she was adopted,

and felt betrayed and ran
away and became a stripper,

and not the heart-of-gold kind,
the by-the-airport kind.


All right, go get your gavel,
Judge Judy.

No, not at all.
I'm adopting- Ah-

a tolerant attitude
toward your flights of lunacy.

Adopting! Yay!

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

Alex, come on. Hurry up.
The later we are, the more Cheryl texts me to do.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Tell me again why the violin just wasn't you.
It's too happy.

[Cello Falls]
[ Sweater Rips ]

Oh, my God. Okay, hang on.
Hang on. Hang on. Let's see.

It might not be a big deal.
Here we go. Let's see. Oh! Okay.

Is it bad?
No, it's gonna be fine.

You're gonna be okay.

Oh, honey.

Hey, I forgot my phone.

Nothing. I love you.

So weird. You better not spill
anything on that. Okay, dork?

Relax. Half the 11th grade's
been inside this sweater.

- [ Scoffs ]
- [ Claire ] More than anything,

I want my girls
to stop fighting and be close.

I want them to share clothes and do
each other's hair and gossip about boys,

like I used to do with Mitchell.

Gloria, let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

Hey, Jay, have you noticed
a spring in my step?

Oh, kids say cruel things.
That doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.

No. We have something in common.
I'm seeing a younger woman.

- How much younger are we talking about?
- Thirteen months.

Her name's Chloe.

- She makes me feel like a fifth grader again.
- Good for you, kid.

Mmm. There they are-
my two dirty old men.

Hey, pretty soon
you're gonna be north of 40,

and I'm gonna have
to trade you in for a newer model.

Am I right, buddy?
That's my mother, Jay.

You ready?

It's such a beautiful day.
Why do we have to do this?

Because when this thing is behind us,
we never have to think about it again.

Come on.
[ Groans ]

I went to a funeral last Saturday,

and it got me thinking about where Gloria
and I were gonna end up after we die.

Yeah, it's been a fun week.
I don't like loose ends. So I made a few calls.

I found these people selling a couple of
primo plots in the best cemetery in town.

Not that I'm gonna
go there anytime soon.

Don't be so sure.

With all that bacon
that he eats.

Well, I gotta give
my cholesterol pills something to do.

Mmm. Mmm. I don't care
how much they promote it.

Kale is a garnish.
It's not ready to anchor a meal.

Look at this.
Oh, my God!

Lily's little hat that we bought
her at the airport in Vietnam.

Remember how cute she looked?
Remember how I used to wear it...

and walk around and act like
I had a giant head? Mm-hmm.

That was good acting.

What are you doing? I'm putting together
a scrapbook of how Lily became ours.

Her adoption certificates
and pictures of her from her village,

all out in the open,
so she has nothing to be ashamed of.

You leaving that on all day?
And I'm also gonna write a little storybook,

something I can read her at bedtime-
called “Two Monkeys and a Panda.”

Oh. She's the panda
because she's Asian.

And we're monkeys because-
I can draw monkeys.

Okay. Well, I think
this is a great project,

and I believe you
are gonna finish it.

Oh, my God!

Lily's adoption certificate.

Her name is Lily Tucker Pritchett.

Not Tucker-hyphen-Pritchett
like it's supposed to be.

First name, Lily. Middle name, Tucker.
Last name, Pritchett.

Well, that can't be right.
This is a legal document.

She only has your last name.
My name's just a middle name.

Stay calm. Don't get upset.
Nobody knows anyone's middle name.

Quick. What's my middle name?

Of course you know mine. We're a couple.
This is obviously a mistake.

But you're the one
who filled out this paperwork.

You don't make mistakes like this.
You correct mistakes like this.

[ Gasps ]
You did this on purpose.


You buried my name
so your name could have top billing.

No, I am not gonna sit here and listen to
you accuse me of something so horrible.

It makes so much sense now...

why you wanted to fill out
all these legal forms.

Well, I'm a lawyer.
I fill out all the legal forms...

ever since you signed up
for a 12-year gym membership.

The more you spend,
the more you save.

All the women at work
were too busy to use the certificates.

So I called the spa and asked them
to extend the expiration date.

But they said no. Really?

Here's something
they didn't count on:

You mess with Phil Dunphy,
the claws come out.

You have very nice hands.
Soft like lady's.

Thank you, Kim.
I appreciate that.

My wife
never seems to notice.

This is it. Ta-da!

What is “ta-da”?

I'm just saying this is it. Ta-da.

“Ta-da” is when you do a flip,

or where the magician
cuts the pretty lady in half,

not when you show someone where you
want to shove their dead body.

I'm not gonna argue the proper
use of “ta-da.” This is it.

In the file cabinet?

It's called a crypt.
And how are you not getting how great this is?

We're four down
from Bugsy Siegel.

No. I'm not going into any wall.
I'm going in the ground.

Sorry. Not me. There's enough not to like
about death without adding dirt and worms.

The Whole thing
gives me the willies.

You die, you go to the ground.

It's natural.
You go back to the earth.

Here you're just a mushy bag of bones...
[ Gasps ]

rotting away
for all eternity.

Sorry for your loss.

Can we get the hell
out of here?

What am I supposed
to tell the guy?

Tell them we don't want our bodies inside
these drawers where God cannot find us.

These are not like our drawers at home.
People can find things in these.

I'm thinking
of getting bangs.

Ooh, you totally should.
You would be so cute with bangs.

You have the face for it. I don't.
[Cell Phone Rings]

Oh, there's my better half.
Kim, would you mind?

[Whispering ] Thank you.
You're welcome.

- Hey, honey, where are you?
- Oh, I'm on my way to Downey.

Oh. Did you know Karen and Richard
Carpenter grew up in Downey?

What a random
and not helpful fact, Phil.

I'm sorry. I'm having
kind of a rough day.

Yeah, I'm kind of having
a rough day myself.

[All Laughing]

Look, Phil, I need you
to take care of dinner for me.

What's wrong?
Alex ripped Haley's favorite sweater,

and now I'm driving around
from store to store...

trying to find the exact same one
before Haley finds out.

Don't do that.
Just explain to her what happened.

- Uh-uh. Haley's not gonna understand.
- Sure, she will.

No, Phil, you don't understand.

I'm trying to avoid this
turning into a whole big thing.

Then just get her something close.
She'll never know the difference.

Phil, could you just take care of dinner, sweetie?
That's all I'm asking.

I'm just saying there's
a simpler way to do this.

There is no simpler way.
Just make dinner. Thank you.

[ Line Clicks ] Hello?
[ Chuckles ]


Mr. Pritchett!

We're the Rutledges,
the ones selling the spots.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, my gosh.

I hadn't heard.

Martin is in.

Well, look at that. I'm sorry.
ls that a friend of yours?

We've made a point to get to know
everyone in the neighborhood.

We think it makes it less
awkward, you know, later.

Oh, I'm sorry.
This is my wife, Gloria.


I'm Ed, and this is my bunk.

And this is my loving wife and
devoted mother of three, Winnie.

She'll be here. [Jay] Well, I don't
know what our lineup is yet.

But at home I sleep on the
right side, so probably there.

We don't mean to be rude, but you seem
to be much younger than your husband.

You're not rude. I'm very much younger.
Is that a problem?

Well, it's just that
there's a good chance...

you'll be moving in
long before she would.

Our concern is,
your wife remarries,

and she wants to be laid to
rest with her new husband.

So she sells this spot
to the highest bidder.

And we're left lying next
to a complete stranger...

without even so much
as a formal “how do you do?”

Gloria, tell them you're in.

I don't know, Jay.

I think they have
a very good point.

And they're not crazy at all.

What do you mean
they have a good point?

I don't think this is going to work.

Good luck getting someone
into your drawers.

[ Knocking ]

It occurs to me that I may
have gotten a little too upset...

and jumped to some conclusions
that were perhaps not true.

I realize now...

that you would never intentionally
do something so unthinkable, so-

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry for accusing you.

- I did it.
- I knew it. You two-faced-

- Let me explain.
- There- There is no explanation.

There is just no excuse.
I just wanna know why.

Okay. You know how some women say they
forget how painful childbirth was?

Well, I-I think that you were forgetting
how panicked you were before we got Lily.

- You were freaking out.
- I was not.

So it says that we can put the mattress
at one of three different levels.

Which one should we do?
I don't know.

Well, just think about
how far down she should be-

I don't know. I can't do this!
[ Screams ]

Okay. Oh, this latch
system's great.

What did people do before this?
I don't know. Stop asking me questions.

I can't do this. I can't.

Well, I- I don't see
what that has to do with anything.

I was scared that it was
just gonna all be too much for you...

and that you
were gonna leave,

and then I would be the one
taking care of a baby,

and half of her last name
would belong to the guy who left us.

It was a mistake. I'm sorry.

I wanted to have it changed,
but I needed to get your signature,

and I was afraid that it would start a
big fight and that you would hate me-

Okay, I'm confused. You're saying that
if she tells me she has a problem,

I'm not supposed to help her?
Not unless she asks for your help.

But if she lets me help her,
I can make her problem go away.

Oh! That is such a male thing to say.
[Women Laugh ]

Well, forgive me for being a man.

Mango or kiwi?
Ooh, kiwi.

When you say,
“Do this or do that,”

all she's hearing is,
“I'm smarter than you.”

Believe me, she doesn't
think that. Mm.

She doesn't want you
to solve her problems.

She just wants you
to give her support...

so that she can solve
her problems herself.

Yes, and sometimes- sometimes she
just wants a sympathetic ear.

Whoa. Whoa. Oh, yes. Mm-hmm.

Maybe it's all the creams,
but that just made sense, girlfriends.

Okay, yeah.
So if Claire says,

“I hate getting stuck in traffic,”

I shouldn't say, “Maybe you
should leave earlier.”

No. Or, “Don't get
on the freeway.”

I should just say,
“I know. it's so frustrating.”

Yes, that's it. Really? Yes!

And if she says, “The waiter
I had today was so rude,”

I shouldn't say, “Maybe you
should have just ordered...

something on the menu for once.
” No.

I should just say,
“What a jerk.”

Yes! Yes!

And if she says, "Phil, the
TV's driving me crazy,”

I should just say, “I know.
There is not enough quality programming for women.”

No. Turn off the damn TV.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay, now I'm
confused again.

- So I heard you had a rough time today.
- Yeah, well-

Remember the days when we
thought we'd live forever?

Don't you wanna go play?
When do I ever play?

I'm kind of wrestling with this whole
older man, younger woman thing.

It's like Chloe and I grew
up in different worlds.

Today I made a joke about the Wiggles.
It went right over her head.

I don't know what that is. It's an expression.
It means she didn't get it.


Yeah, sometimes this age thing
knocks you in the head.

Is that what this is about?

I always knew your mother might remarry
after I'm gone. That never bothered me.

I figured her husbands
would be your dad, me...

and some putz
who could never live up to me.

But what if I'm not
the main guy?

What if some other guy is?
What if I'm the putz?

When my mom and dad
got divorced,

do you have any idea how
many guys chased after her?

The phone
didn't stop ringing.

Men would stop her
on the street.

Guys would propose to her
from moving cars.

And they were good-looking
guys, Jay, with money.

I think one of them was a Kennedy.
Where are you going with this?

When you showed up,
I didn't think you had a prayer.

You were so nervous and
sweaty, I felt sorry for you.

I had to climb
three flights of stairs.

- But of all people, my mom fell for you.
- I've got a few moves.

She said she fell in love with you
during your first fight.

What? She said she'd
finally met her match.


So if you think she's just gonna
replace you when you're gone,

then you are the putz.

Thanks, kid. I appreciate that.

I thought you liked me when
I first showed up. Please.

For the first month, I didn't
even bother to learn your name.

Is she back yet?
She's on her way.

Did you find it?
I did- at the fifth store I went to.

It was in the window, and I had to undress
a mannequin while a creepy guy filmed it,

so we have that to look
forward to on the Internet.

Thank you so much, Mom.
You're welcome.

Now go put that exactly where
you found the other one, okay?

Okay. Mwah.


The security tag, it's still on.

I told those people
to take that off.

Uh, no.
She's pulling into the driveway!

Okay, it's fine. it's fine.
Don't panic. I've got it.

She's getting out of the car!
I am doing it.

I've almost got it. Oh, God.
Oh, no. [ Liquid Splatters ]

- What is that?
- Well, it's ink.

[ Screams ]
Hide it.

She's in the house!

What are you doing with my sweater?
Oh, my God! it's ruined!

- It was an accident.
- I knew this would happen. You idiot!

Hey, hey.
Let's try to get along.

I wish she was
never even born.

They were trying
to make one with a brain.


Honey, you guys
are both... pretty smart.

Ah. Sheesh.

It's that sweater, huh?

Yeah, it is that sweater.

And I did everything I can
to stop them from fighting.

I don't understand why they can't see
how much you love them.

I don't know. Meanwhile, Cheryl
has been calling me all day...

because she's angry
I didn't show up.

Doesn't Cheryl have a housekeeper and a nanny?
Why does she need so much help?

I know, right?

You work so hard.

You do so much.

I do.

Of course you do.
I do.

I do.

Oh, sweetie, thank you.
I really appreciate that.


Who's my gal?

I am.
Darn right.

[ Both Kiss ]

[ Chuckles ]
Let me get this.

Hey, by the way, do you notice
anything different about me?



what is it?


A haircut.
A week ago.

Okay, so tell me.

Forget it. It's not important.

I'll just go start dinner.

Listen, I've been thinking.

When I go,
I want you to know...

it's okay if you marry
someone else.

I know.

Because I want you to be happy.
I'll be happy.

You're driving me crazy
on purpose, right?

Jay, I'm not going
to marry anyone else.

That's what you say now.
But no one knows what the future holds.

So I want you to have this.

Ay look at this.

An empty coffee can.

Do you know what men
used to buy me?

When I go, toss me in the fire,

sweep up my ashes,
stick 'em in that.


We need to talk about this “ta-da.
” [Can Hits Table]

'Cause I don't care if it's in a wall
or if it's in the ground,

just as long
as I end up with you.

Aw, Jay.

It's perfect. Jay Pritchett
sitting on the mantel...

in the old coffee can.

That will drive the putz crazy,
and I like that.

[ Laughing]

[ Knocking ]


Um, so for whatever it's worth,

I called the adoption attorney-
adoption, yay-

and on Monday they're
gonna start the process...

of changing Lily's last name
to Tucker-Pritchett.


Again, I'm- I'm so sorry.


Um- Oh, I, uh-

I took a quick pass
at “Two Monkeys and a Panda.”

So just let me know what you think.

“Once upon a time
there were two monkeys.

They loved each other very much,
but there was something missing.”

A hyphen?

“They wanted a baby.

And they heard that there was
a very special baby in a faraway land...

who needed a family.

She was a panda named Lily.

One of the monkeys
was scared.

They'd never had a panda before.

But they held Lily in their arms,

and the scared monkey
became the brave one.

And the two monkeys”-
Coco and Miko.

- I'm sorry. What?
- Coco and Miko are the names of the monkeys.

Really? That doesn't seem
like it's a little-

Coco and Miko.
I like that. I like that.

Coco and Miko. Yeah.

“They traveled all the way home
with the perfect panda that they adopted.”

Did she just clap?
She heard “adopted” and clapped.

Cam, that's amazing.

Oh, my God. You did that.

Wha- You did that.
That is amazing.

I can't believe that.

And just like that,
peace returned to our house.

Well, technically,
it's my house, but...

I-I Will- I Will fix that too.

Once we finished writing the book,
we realized something.

We're not the only two monkeys
with a panda.

Gay parents are a huge market,
and no one's writing for them.

We thought we were
sitting on a gold mine.

But we weren't.

Let's see.

“Gay Parenting.”

“Gay Adoptive Parenting.”

“Gay Adoption Foreign Children.”

“Gay Adoption Asian Children.”

“Bisexual Adoption Asian Children.”

“Transgendered Adoption.”

Okay, come on. Let's go, Miko.

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