Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 18 - Boys' Night - full transcript

Phil and Claire have some trepidation when they find out that Luke has befriended their crotchety old neighbor, Mr. Kleezak; Jay's attempt to avoid sitting through a symphony concert with ...


- [ Manny ] Morning all
- Good morning, papi.

Hump day.
Am I right, Jay?

Your day ends at 2:30.

Can't come fast enough.
Quittin' time. Am I right, Jay?

Let's not
make this a thing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this?

- Where's my soft-boiled egg?
- I scrambled it.

It's good for you
to try new things.

I don't want to try new things.
You can't just spring this on me.

I have bad news, Manny.
This is not the biggest curveball...

that life is going
to throw at you.

Buddy, don't close yourself
off from new things.

I ever tell you the story
about me and crab cakes?

Thought I didn't like them.
Tried them. Love them. Wow.

Are the movie rights
available for that one?

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

Dunphy Spring Classic.

Who's gonna do the dishes
for the next week?

Boys versus girls.
Testosterone versus estrogen.

- Standing up to pee versus the squat-
- Phil, come on!

Swing and a miss.
He's in her head, Luke.

And boys rule and girls drool.

You drool all the time.
Mom had to take you to a specialist.

I'm still growing
into my tongue.

Hey, Mom, can I go
to the movies with Robin?

No, you may not,
'cause you are still grounded.

Then can I be sent to my room?

No, 'cause we're having
some fun family time.

We're gonna spend this
beautiful afternoon outside...

in the fresh air
getting some exercise, okay?

Pitch it, Phil.

- Oh, well.
- That's the game.

What do you mean?
We just started.

That was our only ball.

So what? The game's over just because
you're afraid of stupid Mr. Kleezak?

Yep. I'm not going over there.
That was fun.

If Hannibal Lecter and Freddy
Krueger had a love child,

he would be afraid
of our next door neighbor.

I don't have a mean thing
to say about anyone,

but Mr. Kleezak is...

not a nice person.

Easy,honey.

[ Mitchell ] Hey, Haley.
Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell.

Hey, is your mom home?

No. She had to take Alex
to the oncologist.

- Oh, my God. What's wrong?
- She needed new glasses.

Oh. Did you mean optometrist?
Whatever.

So, should I give her a message?
Yes, yes.

Could you ask her if she could possibly
babysit Lily on Saturday night?

We'd really,
really appreciate it.

Saturday night we're having dinner
with Pepper, Longines and Crispin.

They're our gay friends.
I think that was clear.

I've been spending a lot of time with
a lot of straight people lately,

and, darlin',
I need a night with my homeys.

You mean homos.
[ Giggles ]

Yeah. You know what?
Maybe you should stay in and babysit.

Yeah, our babysitter bailed,
and we're kind of in a bind so-

I can do it.
I can watch Lily.

I'm really good.
I'm babysitting Luke right now.

Oh, yeah? You want-
You want to babysit Lily?

[ Chuckling ]
Oh, that's very sweet, honey.

But you're-
you're a very popular girl.

I'm sure you have
better things to do, so-

Seriously.
I'm totally free.

Being grounded is so much worse
than it was in the olden days.

My friends text and Facebook
all the fun stuff they're doing...

while I'm stuck at home
playing Jenga with my dad.

[Chuckling]

Are you serious?

You don't even have to pay me.
I promise I'll take super good care of her.

Okay. Well, that would
be great. Thank you.

Yes. Well, we'll see you on Saturday night.
Bye, sweetie.

Bye.
[ Beeps ]

Luke?

Luke?

What are you thinking?
Haley is a very sweet and fashionable girl,

but seems hardly
a responsible caregiver.

Well, you know what? We needed a sitter.
She's family. I say we give her a shot.

A shot. Oh, with our only child.
Sure, why not?

If something goes wrong, we'll just pop
over to the Orient, grab another one.

What?

My name is Luke Dunphy.
I live next door.

- What do you want?
- I wanna get our ball from your yard.

I don't want you messing around back there.
Just go home.

- Are you going scuba diving?
- Hmm?

Why do you have that tank?

You being smart?
You mean in school?

Well, I do okay.

My teacher says
I get distracted.

- Why do you have that tube in your nose?
- For fun.

Really? Can I try?

- It's oxygen.
- We have that in our house, but we don't need tanks.

Oh, for God's sake.
Just get your ball.

Okay.

[ Inhales Deeply]

Oh, my God.
I was watching the news,

and another flock of birds
fell out of the sky.

Dead.
What is happening?

Sweetie, you gotta stop
watching the news.

That's your big solution?
Embrace ignorance?

What are you two arguing about?
Never mind. I don't wanna know.

- Oh.
- Be back in a couple hours.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?

To my friend Walt's house
to watch High Noon.

Ooh, I love Westerns.
The bloodier the better.

That's my favorite type
of movie.

That and anything set against the
backdrop of competitive cheerleading.

Is Walt the one
who's always skateboarding?

No. Where would he
put his oxygen tank?

Okay. Now I'm really confused.

[Chuckling ] You sound like Walt.
He gets confused a lot. it's hilarious.

Wait. Are we talking about
Mr. Kleezak?

Yeah. I went over to his house to get
my ball, and we've been hanging out.

You were in
Mr. Kleezak's house?

Luke, that is not okay.
Why not?

He's really nice.
And funny.

Listen to this joke. Okay.
Two crabs walk into a bar-

Phil, this is not good.
Honey, don't jump to conclusions.

- Let him finish the joke.
- And one of them has a limp.

Uh-huh. You may not go
back to that man's house.

- Why not?
- Because he's weird.

And not very nice.
Yeah.

That's what you said about
my friend Oliver. Oliver.

The Oliver who almost
burned down our garage?

He likes to melt stuff!
Like you're so perfect.

Luke, I'm sorry, but your mother and
I just aren't comfortable with this.

That's so unfair! You don't even know him
'cause you're too afraid to talk to him.

Buddy, we're just
looking out for you.

You never like
any of my friends!

[Sighs]

We're doing the right thing.
Absolutely.

- Aren't we?
- I don't know.

I mean, he makes a point.
We don't know the man.

And little kids can be friends
with old people, right?

Of course they can.
There's tons of examples.

Up, um, Gran Torino,
True Grit.

Cartoon, kills himself,
she loses an arm.

- We've gotta go talk to that guy.
- Now?

Yeah.
It's so dark.

Okay. So the numbers
are by the phone.

There's food in the fridge.
I just changed her diaper.

So all you need to do is put
her down in about half hour...

and not let a serial killer
in the front door.

- Well, what if he's cute?
- Well, then save him for us.

[ Laughing]

Nobody in, nobody out.
No.

Oh, we're gonna be totally fine.
You just go, get your gay on.

Oh, it is on
like Donkey Kong.

Or clearly it's not on yet.
But it will be.

So,okay.
Come on. Let's go.

I'm telling you, kid, this is a
concert you're never gonna forget.

Greatest music in the world.

Wait a minute.
What's this?

What do you mean?
What are we seeing?

The symphony.
The Four Seasons.

I thought we were seeing
Frankie Valli & the 4 Seasons.

- No. it's Vivaldi.
- Oh, crap.

You mean nothing but instruments?
I'm outta here.

- No, you're not out. You're in.
- I hate this kind of music.

Jay, you always do that. Every time we try
something new, your first reaction is always no.

I'm old enough to know what I
like and what I don't like.

- What about the crab cakes?
- That was a fluke.

And I can't slather that
boring music in tartar sauce.

So I have to try new things- like
scrambled eggs- but you don't have to?

You see what you're doing?
You're tearing this family apart!

Take it down a notch.
You two go in, have a great time.

- I'll see you later.
- What are you going to do?

I'm gonna walk like a man, fast
as I can, to that bar over there.

And if you knew Frankie Valli,
you'd be cracking up right now.

It's okay.

[ Chattering ]

John Schneider was the one.

John Schneider from Dukes of Hazzard?
That was your first crush?

Oh, my God, yes.
Bo Duke. Delicious.

He was a redneck who drove a car
called the General Lee...

with a giant
Confederate flag on it.

That wasn't
a turn off for you?

I know he was all kinds of wrong, but
the heart wants what the heart wants.

Richard Gere.
Oh, my God.

I'll be the officer-
don't be a gentleman.

Montgomery Clift.
Who?

Don't do that, Crispin.
You're not that young.

Anyway, my crush was gay.
At least I had a shot.

You had a shot with Montgomery Clift?
How old are you?

[All Laughing]

I will cut you like
it was nothing, farm boy.

Oh. See, I miss this.

Wait. What about you, Mitchell?
Um, okay.

I didn't know it was a crush because
I was only eight at the time.

I knew when I was eight.
Everyone knew when you were eight.

Longines, get up.
We're switching seats.

[All Laughing]

Okay. Okay. Back to me.
Back to me. Back to me.

So I had just seen
St. Elmo's Fire.

Oh, Mitchell, look.
It's your father.

[ Pepper]
Oh, that's your father?

- He's cute.
- Okay. Can you please turn it off for one second?

Oh, he's all alone.
Invite him over.

Yeah, that's not something
we're gonna do.

Relax. Your dad
knows you're gay.

- He doesn't know I'm this gay.
- Excuse us?

- Oh, Mr. Pritchett! Yoo-hoo!
- Jay. Jay.

[ Longines] Oh, he looks like that
dentist you hooked up with in Laguna.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
That was in my daddy phase.

Yes, please, keep this up.
This is fun for me.

Fellas, how you doin'?
Hey,Dad.

[ Cameron ] Hi, Jay.
Hello, Daddy.

What are you doing here? I'm just getting a
drink while Gloria and Manny see a show.

- Well, please, join us.
- No, I don't want to intrude.

- He doesn't want to intrude.
- You are not intruding.

I'm gonna watch the game.
He wants to watch the game.

Ch, sit down.
We're up by 25 with a minute to go.

Uh, maybe just
for a minute. Okay.

So what does a guy gotta do to get a
drink around here? Nobody say anything.

[All Laughing]

Justin, more booze.

Mitchell was just about to tell
us who his first boy crush was.

No, I wasn't.
Let me bring you up to speed.

Crispin's was Joey Mclntyre-
whoever that is.

Longines said John Schneider.

- Your name is Longines?
- I know. I never stood a chance.

Cam's was Richard Gere.
And I was Monty Clift.

Well, at least yours was gay.
I mean, you might've had a shot.

Thank you!

Crispin, up.
I'm sitting next to this one.

[All churning]

[ Pepper]
Welcome.

He's right there.
All right.

Mr. Kleezak? Mr.
Kleezak? It's open.

Honey, he's not moving.
ls he okay?

Well, there's only one way
to find out.

[Grunts]

[Whispering ]
Mr. Kleezak?

Mr. Kleezak?
Okay.

I- I don't know
if he's breathing.

Does he have a pulse?
Well, there's only one way to find out.

Will you stop pushing me?
You do it.

I hate this.
I'm gonna kill Luke.

Oh, my God.
He's ice cold.

- Hey. - [ Screams ] Oh, my God!

- [ Phil Groans]
- [Claire] I'm sorry.

- We thought there was something wrong with you.
- Sorry.

What? We thought there was
something wrong with you.

- Phil.
- Hi.

We haven't, uh, formally met.
Phil Dunphy.

Yeah, I know you. You're the guy who
just broke into my house and fondled me.

No. We were just concerned that
you looked dead. No offense.

What- What-
What are you doing here?

Oh, um, our son, Luke, told us that you
invited him over here to watch movies.

And I'm sure you could understand why
we would be concerned about that.

- No.
- Phil.

You're doing great.
Honey-

what, are you saying that
I'm some kind of pervert?

No!
Probably not.

Look, I didn't ask him
to come over here.

I was minding my own business,
like you should be.

Okay.

But in all fairness,
our son is our business.

Well, then keep him.

And keep your daughter from
driving into my garbage cans. Uh-

And keep your blinds closed when
you're doing your little sexy dance.

Oh, God.
He's seen my sexy dance.

So I'm 12 years old. I'm staying
overnight at my best friend Jim's house.

Neither of us want to go to sleep.
I know where this is going.

- You're better than that, Crispin.
- [All Chuckling]

So we sneak off
to the movies,

and we see this little picture
called Solomon and Sheba.

- And Sheba was-
- [ Together] Gina Lollobrigida!

Bingo! And for the rest of my life, I swore
one day I would marry Gina Lollobrigida.

- Well, Dad, you kinda did.
- I hear that!

[All Laughing]
Mmm.

These are good.
What's in 'em'?

It's a margarita
with a shot of absinthe.

Absinthe makes the heart
grow fonder.

Ah, are you making a bad pun
or just lisping?

I can't believe I drove all the
way to the Valley to pick you up.

Justin, more booze!

Oh!

[ Cameron ] Haley! Hi.
Is everything okay?

- Yeah. Why?
- Because I just saw a man walk through the living room.

What?
Where are you?

I can see through the camera
on the computer.

You're spying on me?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That is so lame.

Look, I don't know what you think you
saw- maybe the TV or the reflection.

Or maybe you think that my body is just shaped
like a boy, like I don't have hips or something.

No,no,no,no.
You have a darling figure.

- I was just concerned that-
- That hurts so much.

This is the kind of thing that I expect
from my mother, but not from my cool uncle.

- So, thank you for all of your trust.
- Okay, um, sorry. Sorry.

[Beeps]

[ Sighs ]
Unbelievable.

You gotta go.
Okay.

♪♪ [All Humming, Scatting]

Yeah!
All right.

Thank you.

[ Chuckling ] Dad, I've
never seen you sing before.

Well, you never saw me in the shower.
And don't anybody go there.

When I was 12 years old, my
father walked into my bedroom...

and caught me doing the most
embarrassing thing that a boy can do-

dancing to Madonna's
“Lucky Star.”

And from that moment on, there's always
been a part of me that I've kept from him.

And yet here he was
laughing with my friends.

And- I don't know-
maybe the problem was me.

[All Laughing]

- Rob Lowe! - [ Together] Where?

No. Rob Lowe from St. Elmo's Fire.
That was- That was my crush.

- I loved him.
- I get that. He's a good-looking kid.

Mm-hmm.
Right?

Yeah.
Hey, “Walk Like a Man.”

Well, I can sing it, but I can't do it.
[All Laugh ]

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

I think I just pulled something.

Nurse!

[ Phone Ringing]

- Hello?
- Please tell me that you have my shoes.

Why would I have your shoes?

Because I left them at your
uncles's house last night.

What? How could you leave
without your shoes?

I go a lot of places
without shoes.

I'm not wearing shoes right now.

Oh, wait. That's 'cause I left
them at your uncles's house.

This is a disaster!

Maybe they'll think
they're theirs.

They're gay.
They know what shoes they own.

Thanks a lot, Walt.

You couldn't be nice to
my parents for two seconds,

so now I'm not allowed
to hang out with you.

- What do you want from me?
- I thought you were my friend.

You promised to teach me
how to grow tomatoes.

And you were gonna take me
for an egg cream.

Forget it.
You're a little kid.

I don't need
the aggravation.

Oh. Sorry I “aggravated” you.

And just so you know, a lot
of people think I'm adorable.

I can't open this.

Maybe if you had gone
to the concert instead-

- Could you open it, please?
- I would.

But I'm old enough to know that I
don't like opening aspirin bottles.

[Ringing]

- Hello.
- Hey, Dad!

How do you guys do it?
I thought cops could drink.

[ Chuckles ]
Listen, I just-

I wanted to say, I had such a good time
with you last night, and I wanted to-

Hold on. I got call waiting!
Yeah.

[Beeps]
Yeah?

Woof. Not a morning person.
Good to know.

Listen, I'm five away. I hope you like
blueberry scones and Dusty Springfield.

Who is this?
Pepper, silly.

It's gonna be a scorcher in the
desert today, so dress accordingly.

Oh, this is your street.
See you in a minute.

[ Beeps ]
Holy crap!

That friend of yours, that Pepper-
he's on his way over here. Why?

Well, you made a date with him last night.
Don't you remember?

I think I would remember
if I made a date with a guy!

I'm telling you,
I know a guy in Palm Springs...

who has every single
vintage record known to man.

I'm driving out there tomorrow.
Come with me!

- It's a date!
- [ Together ] Yay!

I was drunk! I'm not going shopping
with Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Okay, Dad. Well, I'm feeling really
good about our relationship,

and I wanna hold onto that
for a little while longer.

So I'm gonna go ahead and hang up with you.
Give Pepper a big kiss for me.

Gloria, now listen. I know that you're
upset with me about that concert thing,

and rightfully so,
but you have to help me.

- What is it?
- It seems I made plans with Mitchell's friend Pepper.

That's someone's name?
Pepper?

Yes. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
There's another guy named Longines.

But Pepper's gonna
be here any second.

He's gonna take me to Palm Springs
to go shopping for records.

Now, when he gets here, can you pretend
there's some kind of an emergency?

Can you do that, please?

Ay, Jay. I- I think you have to
take me now to the hospital.

My head is in pain.

- Do you mean like that?
- Yes. Thank you.

[ Doorbell Rings ]
Okay. it's Showtime.

And with this guy,
I mean that literally.

I'm here!

[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God!
What I could do with this house.

Hello, Jay.

Chop, chop.
It's a two-hour drive,

not counting our stop
at the outlet mall.

Okay. Uh-
Gloria, we're leaving!

Hello. You must be Pepper.

Ay an ay
My head.

What's the matter, Gloria?

Nothing.
I just had a little ice cream.

- Huh?
- He hasn't stopped talking about you all day long.

- Right.
- Wow. You are stunning.

How rich are you?

Are you sure
you're all right, Gloria?

I feel great, mi amor

I am so happy that
he's doing this with you...

because I never get him
to do anything different.

Like the Vivaldi.
Hmm.

I think he likes you more than me.
[ Chuckles ]

You two have
a great time together.

All right, but we gotta
be back early,

because, you know, I got that work thing.
No, no. I canceled everything.

You don't have anything.
You can spend all day long with him.

Wonderful.
Well, shall we?

[ Dog Barking ]

Oh, my God.
Tallulah!

Oh! Don't worry. She'll stop
yapping when she gets on your lap.

[ Barking Continues]

Alex, honey, come on.
We're gonna be late.

A herd of cows dropped dead
for no reason.

I'm not going anywhere.

Get your affairs in order, people.
This is the end.

Don't be ridiculous.
There's nothing out there to be afraid of.

Hey. Oh.
Oh.

[ Claire ]
Mr. Kleezak.

I'm not used to waking up
with people poking me.

I was startled, you know.

We are really sorry
about that.

Yeah.
Well, these are onions.

- From my garden.
- Wow. Thank you so much.

That is so nice.

Yeah. Well, don't go throwing any parades.
They're onions.

[ Claire ] Uh-huh. Okay.

I used to be a fireman,
you know.

I don't hurt kids.

Sir, would you like
to come in?

Just tell the boy that Shane
is on today at 3:00.

He should watch it.
Maybe you could tell him yourself.

He- He's right upstairs. Hang on.
Luke, honey, come on down.

Your friend Walt is here.

This is just so sweet.
Yeah.

Well, just don't
start dancing.

[ Mitchell ]
People can surprise you.

You get used to thinking of them
one way, stuck in their roles.

They are what they are.

And then they do something
that shows you...

there's all this depth and dimension
that you never knew existed.

Are you talking
about Rob Lowe?

I'm just saying
he's a very versatile actor.

I think his good looks
have actually held him back.

Well, I can relate
to that.

[ Doorbell Rings]

Haley!
We need to talk.

I know I freaked out on you last night, but
you have to see it from my point of view.

- You were totally spying on me.
- I know.

You were invading my
First Amendment right to privacy.

We were.

I'm sick and tired of people
not trusting me!

I get it.
And especially you guys.

I don't think of you guys as my uncles.
I think of you as my friends.

And if your friends don't believe
in you, then what else do you have?

- Dylan's shoes.
- Please don't tell my mom.

Buckle up.

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