Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - Regrets Only - full transcript

Phil and Claire had a huge fight and Phil hasn't a clue as to what it was over, so Gloria steps in to counsel Phil and Jay takes Claire. Meanwhile, Jay may have some regret in buying Gloria a karaoke machine, and Cameron is in full prep mode for a huge fundraising event and enlists help from Mitchell and Luke -- which might not be the best choices.


You sleep all right?
No. You?

Say no, Phil.

Of course, no.
I missed you up there.

- Last night- I know I got kind of carried away.
- You don't need to apologize.

- I don't think that I was apologi-
- You were right to be mad.

[ Sighs ] Sometimes I just
feel like I have to scream...

to let you know
how upset I am.

- But you get it now, right?
- I... do-

No idea whatsoever.

Oh, if I knew. But no.


So let's pretend
the whole thing never happened.

What were we even
fighting about, huh?

What the heck happened in here?

The raccoon get through
the dog door again?

Yep. The raccoon got in,

and your mom fought it off
with the fire extinguisher.

You're a mess.
Are you okay?

Careful, buddy. Not today.

I think you look beautiful.
Save it.

One time I forgot to get Gloria
a birthday present, and I paid for it.

Another time I remembered,
but she didn't like the gift.

I paid for that.

So you'd think when I remember to
buy her a gift, and she loves it,

I wouldn't have to
pay for it, right?

♪ Just call me angel
of the morning, angel ♪

♪ Touch my cheeks
before you leave me, baby ♪

[ Garbage Disposal Whirring ]

♪ Call me angel of the
morning ♪ [ Clattering ]

♪ Yeah ♪♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

Oh. Hey, good. Grab the other end of
this and help me get it out of here.

- I have to start setting up for tonight.
- Tonight? What's tonight?

Are you kidding me? This is what I'm talking
about, Mitchell. You never listen when I-

It's a fund-raiser for The Friends of the
Third Street Overpass Music Society.

Two harpists are performing.
You're anxious 'cause Andrew,

your nemesis from the steering
committee, ran the event last year,

and you want to upstage him.

- I was kidding.
- Ha.

Cam has it in his head that I
don't listen to him, but I do.

Do you, Mitchell? Do you?

The doctor called and said Lily's rash
is just dry skin. I'm so relieved.

What did I just say?

You act like you listen to every single
thing that I say, but you don't.

Don't I, Mitchell?

I'm going to the store.
Do you need me to pick anything up?

[Slurred Words, Indistinct]

Razor blades, saline solution, black
socks, and the new issue of Vanity Fair.

Wow. I don't even remember
asking for all that. Thank you.

Don't I?

[Tool Whirring ]

How'd this thing
come off anyway?

Well, I was cooking
dinner and- Right.

[ Clears Throat] And the
raccoon just walked in the-

And I already had the door open.

I had already had
ahold of the handle-

Why don't you two go work
on your story and come back?


I won't be home till late.
I have another shift at the restaurant.

That's our workin' girl.
Let the river run, honey.

Check it. $57 in tips
from last night. Holler!

Honey, that's impressive. You know what?
Fifty-seven from you, 57 from us.

- Keep this up, we are going to be buying you a car by the summer.
- [ Squeals, Giggles]

- Mom, is this upscale casual?
- What?

Oh, yeah. Cam hired Luke to help
out with the benefit tonight.

You know what?
I can't fix this thing.

What? I need that.
I use it every day.

Okay, Phil. You wanna take
a trip to the mall with me?

I... do-

Not. If I can
possibly avoid it.

Claire has this little habit...

at the mall where sh-

I can't even talk about it.

Jay, come on.

I wanna go home because you said you were
going to film me doing the karaoke...

so I can send it
to Colombia to my mother.

Claire, um, about the mall-

I was actually gonna run out
and get my haircut this afternoon-

Hang on here. Why don't I run Claire down
to the mall and you give Phil a haircut?

You're always talking about how
you miss working at the salon.

I guess I could.
I do Jay. Why can't I do you?

You- You can do me.

Okay. Let's get this party started.
You know that song?

♪ Let's ♪ Hey, let's go!
Let's go! Wastin' time.


♪♪ [Humming Melody] You know it?
I think I do.

[ Giggles ] So that was Andrew, who
practically choked telling me...

that no one had called in their
regrets for the event tonight.

It is gonna be a full house!
That must feel great.

Oh, I never thought I would enjoy having an archenemy.
But I do, Mitchell. I do.

[Cameron Chuckling ] Hey, Lily.
What you got there?

I do feel bad for those PETA folks.
Their event's tonight too.

That's why I had you mail
the invitations so long ago.

I shouldn't laugh.
I do feel bad for those little PETA animals.

I really do.

What are you doing? Nothing.
She was, uh- She was sucking her thumb again.

Yes, I put Cam's invites in my car
to take 'em to the post office...

and then threw my gym bag on top of them
and completely forgot they existed.

[ Sighs ]
I feel terrible.

Haven't been to the gym
in six weeks.

And I ruined Cam's event.

[Shower Running] [ Mitchell
] Hello, Miss Hartwick.

Uh, Cam and I are hosting
a little event tonight and-

Yes. Yes. No. I-I am aware that
there's also a PETA event, and-

- [ Groans ]
- Who are you talking to?

I'm in the shower!

[ Sighs ] Luke, how are those
chairs coming? Come in.

I think you should come in.
Come in.

Oh, now I'm worried
about the flow.

The eye should go to the harps,
not the backs of chairs.

Are you gonna get upset and start
eating all the appetizers again?

It is amazing what you notice
and what you don't notice.

- [ Doorbell Rings]
- Please handle that. I need to think.

Come on, Luke.

Hi there.
ls your father home?

I think so. Why?

Oh, oh, the wait staff.
Please, Luke, show them to the kitchen, please.

- Knock, knock?
- Oh, hello, Andrew.

Nice chair backs.

I just thought you could use this.
it's the sigh-in book from my event last year.

Let me just turn to the blank
pages which should be-

Oh! No, it's full.

Oh, well, thank you for thinking of us.
But shouldn't you be getting back home to Donald?

That is the name of your cat,
isn't it?

- I'll see you at 7:00.
- Drive safely.

[ Door Closes ]
[ Sighs ]

What did I tell you?
She's even worse than you said.

Hold still.

You can't move like that.
It's like cutting the hair of a cuckoo bird.

I'm sorry.
I'm just a little tense today.

I knew it.
Something happened.

Because when somebody works in a salon,
they know when someone needs to talk.

Actually you might be able
to help me with this one.

Claire and I got into a huge fight last night,
and I'm not even sure what it was about.

Was that why you didn't want
to go to the mall with her?

No. That was more about
a weird mall habit Claire has.

Oh, my God, that's good.
Oh, oh.

Go low, go low,
go low, go low.

Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God.

Dad- Dad, you've
gotta get one of these.


It is impressive
how much Haley's earning.

She has over $500 already.
That's a lot of cheddar.

Why is everyone acting like she's the
first 17-year-old to have a job?

In other cultures she'd have two
kids already and they'd have jobs.

You know, I stopped by the restaurant
a couple times and she wasn't there.

Uh, I don't remember.

I was at the mall for a movie.
Think! I need details.

Okay. It was a romantic comedy my
now ex-friend Reuben recommended-

Not about the movie.
What day? Focus!

Okay. Uh, it was Tuesday.

But I also ate there again on Saturday,
and she wasn't there then either.

Oh, my God.
I bet she doesn't even work there.

Then where's
all this money coming from?

Do you notice how every single
night is just under $6()?

Grandpa gave her $60 for her birthday.
She's just hangin' around the mall all day...

flashing the same cash every night and
fooling my parents into buying her a car.

Hey, Dad? Can we eat at
Haley's restaurant tonight?

[ Phil ] Hey, there's a good idea.
Great, I'll text her.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God, yes!

Oh! Oh, God, yes.

Oh, get after it.
Oh, amazing.

I'm going for 15 more- I think you
got what you needed from that.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

You know, maybe you do need to
talk about this fight. With Phil?

How could you not know
what she was mad about?

Because she didn't tell me.
She just freaked out.

I cannot believe you, Phil!

How could you?
[ Groans ] What is happening?

What- What did I do?
Are you serious?

You are. You don't know.
We've had this conversation a hundred times.

You know, no. No. I'm not- I'm not doing this again.
You tell me what you did.

- Uh-
- "Uh."

- W-Was it-
- “Was it”-

- Ah-
- "Ah"- No, Phil.


No! I'm going to get some air.
Claire. Claire!

No, don't follow me.

Happy “Valenbirthaversary”!

Stormin' off. Right out
of your mom's playbook.


Where'd you go?
Well, as it turns out, not very far.

[ Fabric Tears ]

Oh, my God.
Damn it.

[Clattering, Bell Jingling]

[ Metal Clatters ]

Phil! Phil, you moron!
Stop it!

Oh! I'm sorry!
It's me, you idiot!

What are you doing?
I'm sorry.

I thought you were a raccoon.
You thought I was a raccoon!

Because people look
so much like raccoons.

- Oh, look. There's one now.
- No!

No! Help!

Wait a minute. Not even crazy
woman go crazy for no reason.

What happened before the broccoli?
It came out of the blue.

I walked in the door.
We were having a conversation about nothing.

- Hey, honey.
- Hi.

Sorry I got stuck at the office.
How was your day?

It was good.
Oh, you know what? What?

Debbie stood me up for lunch.
Rude, right?

No, she called.

I didn't get a message.
Yeah. You did.

I left you one.
It's right... there.


That's it! How is she
supposed to see this?

If you give me a message
this tiny, I kill you.

But that's not
when she got mad.

Also, I talked
to the insurance company...

about that little accident
that “wasn't your fault”...

because the brakes
weren't “working right.”


That's not gonna cost us as much
money as I thought. So that's good.

That's it! You insult a woman's
driving and you use the air bunnies.

You do that to me
and I kill you.

I hear you. But the screaming
still hadn't started yet.

So I'm having lunch
with Skip Woosnum, right?

Boy, can that guy go on and on.
Tangent after tangent.

By the way, he turned me on to the greatest
thing- wedge salad. You gotta try it.

Anyhoo, guess who's sitting
at the table next to us.

My old girlfriend Carla. Yeah.
We're gonna grab coffee.

She's lost
a ton of weight.

How stupid are you?

You tell me that you're seeing
an old girlfriend and I-

Kill me, I know.
But she still hadn't snapped yet.

I almost forgot.
I picked up the broccoli you asked for.

Can't believe I did that again.

I cannot believe you, Phil!

You didn't do one thing wrong.
You do everything wrong!

I don't even know why
she talks to you.

She said she was okay.

No. No Woman
is okay with this.

We don't forget.

We wait. And then, when you least
expect it, we make you pay.

Chin up.


- So you had a meltdown over that?
- I did.

Because ever since I met him, I've been
trying to get Phil to try a wedge salad.

The minute that Skip Woosnum- whom
he doesn't even like- suggests it,

Phil thinks it's
the greatest thing ever.

And he does this with everything.
He does it with books, with movies, with TV.

He listens to everybody's opinion
but mine, and it drives me crazy.

You two seemed fine
this morning.

Well, we were
because we talked about it.

Which, by the way, if you want this whole
karaoke thing with Gloria to go away-

- That's what you need to do.
- That's easier said than done.

Oh, since when do you shy away
from confrontation?

Mr. Tough Talk.
Mr. Straight Shooter.

Gettin' a little soft,

You know, when you get a massage, you
sound like a Tijuana prostitute.

[ Phone Ringing]

Friends of the Third Street- Is that Mitchell?
Whats taking him?

No, it's not Mitchell.

I don't understand his name.

Oh, hi, Longinus. Listen.
Did you get my message?

About the Chiavari chairs- I want
you to bring 'em when you come.

What do you mean,
you're not- not coming?

Well, that's not possible.
Mitch- Mitch mailed them weeks ago.

What about Pepper?
Did he get his?

And L'Michael?

And Steven and Stefan?

And Bob?

I have to go.
[ Phone Beeps ]

Get me your uncle Mitchell.

I don't know his number.

[ Beeping ]

It went to voice mail.
Of course it did.

Keep trying him
until you get him.

it's one button. Redial.

Really great event tonight
benefiting the music society.

Musicians like you.


[Cell Phone Rings]

- [ Sighs] Hey.
- Uncle Cam for Uncle Mitchell.

How could you, Mitchell?

Give me that. You wanna hear
the guest list for tonight?

So far it's anger, betrayal,
terror and sadness!

Congratulations, Mitchell!
You packed the house.

Cam, I am so sorry. I'm- I'm gonna fix it.
I'll make a big donation.

That's not gonna keep them from kicking
me off the steering committee...

when Andrew walks in here and
sees a room full of empty chairs!

You know he's not really your archenemy.
That's sort of a made-up thing.

Fix it!

[ Haley] Hi. You came!
Hi. Of course, we did.

We wanted to see you work.

We're so proud of you, sweetheart.
[ Groans ]

Yeah, we're all proud.
So, where's our table?

[ Sighs ]
Actually, bad news.

We're totally booked.
We have a ton of reservations.

Yeah, one's ours.
I called.

- Here it is.
- Hey.

Uh, so your table
is right here.

Oh, honey, would you mind
getting us a couple drinks?

- I would love an iced tea.
- Same, please.

I'll have a mango-kiwi smoothie, yogurt
instead of ice cream, and make it low-fat.

I wanna look good
when I'm riding in your new oar.

Honey, I gotta say,
I like this haircut.

Hey, we're all just playing for
second in this family. Hmm.

Were you all done here?
A-Actually, no.

Um, I will have more iced tea,
another iced tea...

and a mango-kiwi smoothie,
all ice cream.

I'm pregnant.

Well, this is nice.

Me, my gals and my beautiful,
beautiful wife.

Just so you know,
I rescheduled with Carla.

I penciled her in for the 12th...
of never. [ Chuckles]

That's too bad. I was kind of looking
forward to hearing about that one.

Oh. By the way,

no one called for you
while you were out.

- Thank you.
- I wanna make sure you get any messages...

from any friends that might
call, which none of them did.

Isn't it weird that Haley's the only
one here not wearing a name tag?

If your mother had a name tag,
it would say “Good Driver.”

- Phil-
- Here you go.

- I wanna hear the specials.
- Uh, we're out of specials.

- What were they?
- Popular.

Which you wouldn't understand.

Well, what could be better than
drinks with a beautiful woman?

And every beautiful woman
deserves flowers-


[ Inhales ] Okay. Whats going on?
ls this about last night?

I want you to know
how important to me you are.

Sweetie, I know that.
I know that.

I still feel bad about,
you know,

what I did.

Listen to me.
You and I are fine.

Okay? I'm just really hungry.
[ Chuckles ]


- Okay.
- [ Chuckles ]

- All right. What looks good?
- Oh, gosh.

Ooh, here's something that jumps
right off the page. Uh-huh.

I tried this yesterday, thanks
to my good friend Skip Woosnum.

Claire, do yourself a favor
and join me...

in a wedge salad.

You have got to be kidding me!

Just try it.
You will thank me.

Did you learn nothing
from last night?

- Whoa.
- It was about the salad?

I have been recommending
wedge salads to you,

amongst other things, for years,
and you never listen to me.

And then some idiot suggests it, and
you can't wait to try a wedge salad?

It makes me feel
like I don't matter.

Thanks a lot, Dad.
Mom's little outburst just got me fired.

Okay. I gotta talk to your mom.
You comfort your sister.

She never worked here!

So Mitchell called you too.

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

I take it you haven't had your
conversation with Gloria yet?

It's gettin' worse.
She sang all the way here.

We passed two cars- the dogs stuck
their heads back inside the window.


- What are we gonna do?
- I could start a fire.


Well, keep that
in your back pocket.


I wanna show you something.
Let me guess.

It's a copy of The Book Thief
that I begged you to read...

but you wouldn't until your dental
hygienist said it changed her life.

Remember this?

It's the first Thanksgiving
I spent with your family.

God, I hated that ponytail.

I know. You said it made me look like
a wimpy bouncer, so I out it off.

Just like I lost
the feathered earring.

And the van
with the beanbag chairs.

And I changed
my forestry major.

I get it, Phil. I get it.
I am the controlling witch...

that made you give up everything fun in your life.
You're the witch who saved me.

Look. Look at this picture.
Now look at this guy.

You can't tell me
your opinion doesn't matter.

You've changed me for the better
in a hundred different ways.

Yeah, I might miss a book
or a salad here and there,

but... I've got Claire
all over me.

You're about to.

[ Microphone Feedback]

That's the worst sound in the world.
ls it?

Friends, uh, family,
uh, board members-

Bored is right.

I know we were all
looking forward to hearing...

the beautiful stylings
of Harp Attack,

but there has unfortunately
been a slight-

- Don't start yet.
- delay.

And the program will start
in a few minutes, on time.

Uh, so, please, everyone
take their seats. Thank you.

Oh, my God. You did it.
Sort of.

I know this isn't what you were hoping for, but
I need to do a better job of listening to you.

No, you did the best
you could.

Plus, this is double what Andrew had last
year for Cello Submarine. Thank you.

How are you sitting at a harp and
not scoring this moment? Ladies.

[Snaps Fingers]
♪♪ [ Soft]

[ Jay ] You can't have a successful
marriage without being a good listener.

Sometimes it takes
a little work.

I just wonder what they're
gonna do with their lives.

I just wonder how they can actually ever
find their true calling with a harp.

[ Jay ] Sometimes it
takes a lot of work.


And sometimes
it's just excruciating.

Jay, come.
I worked out another song. Gloria.

- ♪ Crazy ♪
- Gloria.

- ♪ Crazy ♪♪
- No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I can't take it any more!
Okay, it's not singing, it's screaming.

Mom, I love you.
But for the love of God,

destroy that thing
before it destroys this family!


I think you sound great.
But if it bothers the kid-



♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪

♪ The pipes
The pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen ♪

♪ And down the mountainside ♪

♪ The summer's gone ♪

♪ And all the roses- ♪♪
♪♪ [ Stops ]

You keep this up, and this
won't be the last plug I pull.

English - US - PSDH