Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 14 - Bixby's Back - full transcript

Phil and Clair try to revisit an old Valentine's Day act, Jay tries to surprise Gloria with a romantic dinner, Mitchell and Cameron disagree over Mitchell's assistant's crush, and Manny gives Haley relationship advice.


So, honey, Ibiza can only
take us at 6:30 tonight.

Great. I will
meet you at Ibiza.

It's pronounced “Ibitha,”
not Ibiza.

Oh! Thanks, honey.

That reminds me. This weekend I want
to see that baby panda at the thoo.

[ Both Laughing ]

Yeah. I'm the idiot.

This year, for Valentine's Day, we're
gonna have a nice, quiet dinner at Ibiza.

Last year, we, um-

we overreached a little.

We created sexy alter egos,
Clive and Juliana,

met in the hotel bar.

This one lost her panties
in the lobby, in front of her dad-

Phil. [ Chuckles ]
which was a little-

It was hard.
It was hard for her.

You know I can't stand it when
you use that word. Panties?

Ye- That- Yes. That word.

Sorry. She lost her underpanties.

- So?
- So?

Well? Huh? So?

- What's happening?
- Flowers.

Is someone pointing
a gun at you?

For goodness' sake.
Did you get the flowers Lily and I sent you?

Aw, that's so sweet. No.
No, I didn't get anything.

Really.

Did you check with that assistant of yours?

Broderick?

[ Phone Rings]

Uh, did you get any flowers today?

No. Sadly, I'm without
a valentine this year.

No. For Mitchell.
The flowers are for Mitchell!

Oh, that's right. Oops.

- Mitchell's assistant has a huge crush on him.
- He does not!

I think the only prudent thing
to do is say, “You're fired.”

Don't be jealous.
He just looks up to me.

The thing about Mitchell
is he can be naive.

He is completely unaware of
how absolutely adorable he is.

Okay. Well, thank you, but I am aware
when someone has a crush on me,

and he does not have
a crush on me.

[ Mouthing Words]

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

I was a little concerned when they said
they could only take us at 6:30, but-

I know. This house is on fire, right?
Mm-hmm.

Now, this is how you do V-Day.

Except most of these people
could have been here on V-E Day.

But it's classy, which we deserve.
Yes, we do.

What were we thinking last year,
acting like a couple of teenagers?

I know. Oh.

Hey, we've had our crazy
Valentine's Days. We tore it up.

But you gotta know when to
let that stuff go. Yeah.

All those kids out there...

are just lookin' for something
that we've already got.

Yeah.

I love you.
I love you too.

[ Crash ]
Oh, my gosh!

Wow! Okay. I'm sorry.
Are you all right?

Are you okay? Are you all right?
I'm good. We're good.

It's my first day in one of these things.
Hey, let me help you out.

How 'bout I park it over there
for you, okay? Thank you.

Here's your valet ticket.
[ Chuckling ]

I'm kidding actually.
That's my valet ticket.

All right. Let's see.

Lefty loosey.
Righty tighty.

Hey.
Wow.

All right. Hey!

This is fun, Claire.
You gotta try this.

Phil.

He's a natural.
Thank you.

[ Motor Whirring ]

[ Claire ] I know Phil and I are
gonna grow old together some day.

This thing needs mirrors.

But today is not that day.

[Cell Phone Ringing]

[ Beeps ]
Hello.

Hello. May I speak to Clive?

I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong number.
Bye-bye. No, uh-

I got disconnected.
Would you mind redialing?

[ Rings]

[Line Ringing]

Hello.

Hello, Clive. This is Juliana.

Look, lady.
Please stop calling me. This is-

No,no,no,no. No, Phil, Phil, Phil.
Don't hang up.

Claire?
No, no, no. Not Claire.

Juliana.

And you're Clive Bixby.
Remember?

We met at the hotel bar last year.

Oh!

Oh.

Now, make up some lie,
ditch that wife of yours,

and meet me at our hotel
in 30 minutes.

You think you can manage that?

Baby doll, I've been lying
to my wife for 16 years.

Okay. See ya.

[Beeps]

So, champagne?

Um, actually, Claire,
somethings come up,

so... gotta go.

You're not ditching me here on Valentine's Day.
Screw that. Sit.

But- Wh- Oh, okay.

We'll- We'll Stay.

Phil.
Oh, that's part of it?

[ Chuckles ]
So hot.

Claire. I'm leaving.
Deal with it.

[Woman Gasps ]
[Clattering ]

So no one walks any more!

[ Chattering ]

Should be just
a few more minutes.

When is our reservation?
Here's the thing.

Ay no. Not “the thing.”
I hate “the thing.”

My secretary screwed up and
didn't get us one. Don't worry.

I'll slip the guy
a few bucks.

What kind of idiot messes up
two Valentine's in a row?

Not this idiot.

Two months ago I booked a private
chef, musicians, the works...

for a romantic dinner at home.

I just had to get the senorita out
of the house while they set up.

This is 50 bucks.
Do not give us a table.

What's the money for?

You also must refuse my wife.
She's very persuasive.

Just a couple
more minutes.

So we don't get the table
at the fancy restaurant,

which drives Gloria crazy.

[ Imitating Gloria ] Jay, why you
no be no more romantic to me?

[ Normal Voice]
We walk in the door and- bam!

She looks like a big idiot.

And isn't that what
Valentine's Day is all about?

Jay, come here.
We're in.

Huh? Your secretary didn't forget.
Look.

Pritchett for two.

Just a reminder:
I need the television at 8:00.

Jeremy and I have a phone date
to watch Love Actually.

That's the lamest plan ever,
and I'm jealous.

So my boyfriend, David, blows me off on
the most romantic night of the year-

to study!

This is the worst
Valentine's Day-

Best Valentines Day ever!

David stands up Haley, and old
boyfriend Dylan is out of the picture.

I'm not saying I miss Dylan,
but at least he was romantic.

David never sent me
a jar of his own tears.

I'm playing the long game here.

Like me today,
love me tomorrow.

She's had the romantic.
She's had the intellectual.

How 'bout all that
in one fine little brown package?

[Sighs]
I've hit a new low.

You can talk to me.

And I'm lower.

Just pickin' up some things.
I am not here.

Name tags. Name tags.
Name tags.

Come on! Bingo.

I know what to do.

Dylan's been
texting me again.

I bet if David knew that, he'd
come running right over here.

Wait. Before you start
playing these games,

let me ask you
one simple question.

Who is Haley Dunphy?

Don't do it, Haley!
Stop following me.

Let me just say my piece!
No!

[ Sighs ]
Look.

You can be the Haley who defines
herself as David's girlfriend...

or Dylan's girlfriend.

Or you can be
your own Haley.

Maybe you haven't met her,
but I know her.

She's an amazing person.

So when you're ready,
I'd like to introduce you.

[ Phone Rings]

Cameron! Is there something
I can do you for?

No. I just came by to pick up my man.
I'm taking him to Ibiza tonight.

Oh, I've heard good things
about Ibiza.

But I'm afraid he may have to meet you there.
He's in the middle of a meeting.

- On Valentine's night?
- I didn't realize when I scheduled it. It's my fault.

Gasp. I'm shocked.

I could drop him off at the restaurant
as soon as they wrap it up.

Oh. Aren't you a dear.

[ Muttering ] I'd like to mount
your head in my trophy room.

Cam!

Wait.

Have I upset you
in any way?

Oh, please.
Let's not play this game.

We both know
what's going on.

Have I been that obvious?

Uh, the flowers
that don't get delivered.

The Valentine's Day plans
that get interrupted.

Do I really need to spell it out for you?
Me, Mitchell- wedge.

Don't hate me.

It's just so hard to see someone else
have something you want and can't have.

[ Sniffles ]

Does Broderick
have a crush? Yes.

On someone he frequently
sees at the office? Yes.

Hi.

Does that man
have red hair and a beard?

No. But his boyfriend does.

It's me.
The crush is on me.

[ Elevator Bell Dings]

This is you?

Oh! Did I validate you?

Oh, yes.

♪♪ [ Piano: Romantic]

Mmm.

[ Exhales ]

Appletini?
It was.

[ Clears Throat]

You're looking handsome
as ever, Clive.

As are you, Juliana.
You look hot enough to cook a pizza on-

in.

I see the speaker business
is treating you well.

I don't like to talk about money.
Oh.

But I have exactly $10 million.
Hmm.

Minus the cost
of your next drink.

T- Two.
Just two appletinis, please.

Thank you so much.

Yeah.

Why do I get the feeling
you're not really a salesman?

Oh. Pretty and smart.
[ Chuckling ]

Or should I say
“pretty smart”'?

Mmm.

I might do some high-risk
work for Uncle Sam...

that takes me clear
around the country.

Hmm. So you could say you're
a national man of mystery.

Shh.

Never did catch what you do.
Didn't you?

Surprising, I know.

I'm usually pretty good at catching
things from women in bars.

Well, Clive, I am just a bored
housewife with a dark side...

and an hour to kill.

Is that what I think it is?

It's not a gift card.

Or maybe it is.

I'll be upstairs, Clive.

Don't take too long.

I never do.

Mercy.

Jay, relax. I'm sorry.
The place is a dump.

It's beautiful.
Nothing good on the menu.

You see the hands on our waiter?
Looks like he's been birthing hogs.

Let's just get out of here.
I don't know what's wrong with you tonight.

But I'm hungry. I look fantastic.
We're staying.

Five-course dinner waiting at home,
and she's strapping on the feed bag at Ibiza.

But then an angel from heaven
saved the night.

You took our reservation.
“Pritchett for two” is us.

Come on. Let's go. Move your bottom.
Come on, come on!

A big gay angel.

[ Lock Beeps ]

[ Door Closes ]

[Beeps]

[Cell Phone Ringing]

[Beeps]

Hello.
Hello, Clive.

How close are you?

I am right
outside your door.

Oh! Are you ready?

Oh, I'm ready.

I don't think you are, 'cause
I can still hear your pants.

Well, maybe I should
just shut them up.

[Chuckling ]
I'll be out in a minute.

So Will I.

[ Rings]

[Beeps]

Juliana.

Clive. Where are you?

You have to come find me.

Oh.
[ Laughing]

Hello.

Um-

I give up.
Where are you?

I'm right here on the bed.

- Phil, what room are you in?
- Who's this “Phil”'?

Seriously,
what room are you in?

I'm in 702.

I'm in 226.
What?

Well, whose room is this then?
[ Lock Beeps ]

[ Gasps ]

There's been a tiny mistake.

[ Cork Pops ]

By the way, I need
to apologize to you.

I'm sorry I got so silly with all
that Broderick stuff earlier.

No. Please do not
worry about it.

Cam. I like it when you get a
little jealous. Cut it out.

As long as we can agree
he does not have a crush on me.

Absolutely.

So, to us.
To us.

He does not have a crush on you.
No.

Nope.

Why do I feel like
you're hinting at something?

Mitchell, we have talked long
enough about Broderick's crush.

Which he does not have.
On you.

Oh, my God. What?
Okay, fine.

Since you won't let it go,
your assistant is hot for me.

That's why he's been
playing the saboteur.

- And you're sure it's not because he wants me?
- You just said he didn't.

- I was protecting your feelings.
- He hugged me in the elevator.

Well, pick out china and move to Vermont.

He said it kills him to see someone
else have something he wants.

Yes, yes. You're the someone,
and I'm the something.

Okay. All right. Call him.

Call him?
Call him.

Why don't we go to his house,

stand on opposite sides of the room
and see which one he runs to?

You get the check.
I'll get the car.

We are not going over there.
And we're not calling him.

Cam. Who cares which one of us
he has a crush on?

The important thing is,
I have a crush on you.

And I wouldn't blame Broderick
if he did too.

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

That's so sweet. I-

I wouldn't blame him if he
had a crush on you either.

Aw. Good.

“Good” what?
Just “good.”

“Good,” meaning
we're done with this,

or “Good,” meaning you still think
he has a crush on you?

Oh, Cam!

The second one.
I'm getting the car.

Would you please
just come in the house?

You had the whole year to plan,
but you don't make an effort.

I am the second wife, Jay.
Why do you treat me like I'm the first?

Talk about it inside.
Where you going?

I'm gonna take a ride.
I need to cool down.

Just come in the house. I promise you'll feel better.
I don't want to go in there.

You're gonna like it better inside.
Don't hold me back!

I'm sorry about this, honey.
I'm sorry.

Jay, what are you doing?
Are you crazy?

¡Ay! ¡Se me va a romper
la media, oye!

What are you doing?
Have you lost your mind?

No. But you're about to.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What the hell?

Gloria!

- Honey.
- I'm going for a drive.

I had a whole private dinner planned.
I don't know what happened.

But I do.
[ Garage Door Opens]

I know exactly
what happened!

No, you don't. I-

♪♪ [Violin]

what the hell?

I win!

I see you sneaking around,
trying to trick me.

So when I figure it out, I move the
party over here and I trick you!

I win!
What do you mean, you win?

I know you think I think
you're not romantic,

but I think you think
I'm not smarter than you.

So now we know. You are romantic,
and I'm smarter than you.

And I bought you
a motorcycle.

[ Jay ]
My God. It's fantastic!

I win again!

Honey, I love all this, but you
can't win Valentine's Day.

I mean, you defeat the whole idea
if you make it into some silly competition.

Shut up. I win.

♪♪ [Violin Continues]

[ Keys Rattling ]
Let's go.

So we're doing this?
Oh, we're doing this.

Oh, it's gonna be me.
I'm already embarrassed for you.

All right.
[ Phone Beeps ]

Oh, wait.
What?

Oh, it's a text from Broderick.
Read it.

“Mitchell, by now
I'm sure Cameron has told you...

What happened in the elevator.”
Mm-hmm.

“While I meant every word I said,
I realize how unprofessional I was.

Please accept my resignation.

What you have with Cam
is very special,

and I would never forgive myself
if I came between you.

Treasure each other.
Sincerely, Broderick.”

Wow. Oh, Cam.
What are we doing here?

I don't know.

Maybe if some assistant's crush
is so important to us,

it means we should appreciate
each other a little bit more.

Well, I can't think of a better
time to start. Come here.

Mmm.
Ahhh.

The great thing about that text is we don't
have to know which one of us he wanted.

I know.

What are you doing?

Valentine's Day
isn't over yet, Juliana.

Sweetie, let's not push it.
You almost got arrested tonight.

That's how it's gonna be?
You're just givin' up on us?

I am not giving up on us.

I'm giving up
on Clive and Juliana.

Wait. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

I know a couple people who could
possibly save this night.

Hmm. Maybe you've heard of 'em.

Two American kids doing
the best that they can.

Phil and Claire Dunphy.

I am not going back to that hotel tonight,
and I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to.

Don't need to.
Phil and Claire have a bedroom,

which they can turn into a
hotel whenever they want.

But the kids. They're not
expecting us home this early.

So,

you up for
a little adventure,

Claire?

Do you think
you can handle it,

Phil?

[ Phil Chuckles]

[Claire] Shh. Shh. Sorry.

“I can't be the girl
you want me to be, David.

I can only be me.
Good-bye.

Haley.”

Send it.

I don't know.
Here. I'll help you.

No,no,no,no,
no,no,no,no!

[ Whooshing Sound]

Wow.

That feels really good.
Because you're free.

And really scary.
I haven't been single since I was nine.

That's why you need
to take your time now.

Really get to know yourself
before you make any decisions.

Five, six years maybe.

Years? I have to call David.

The boy who tossed you aside
on Valentine's Day?

No.

You deserve better, Haley.

A dreamer, a poet.

Wait for him.
He may be closer than you think.

[ Faint]
♪ I'm the bread without your butter ♪

Do you hear music?
Yes.

And the fact
that you hear it too-

Is that Dylan?

♪ Who could make me
feel this fine ♪

Oh, my God!

♪ So here's my broken valentine ♪

♪ Imagine me naked ♪

♪ I imagine you nude ♪

Am I a bad enough parent
to ignore that?

You are.

You're really bad.

♪ Without my best friend ♪

You know, the old Haley
would have-

I love you, baby!

Haley!
Oh!

♪♪ [Continues]

¡Salud, Jay!

Mmm.
Oh-oh! OW!

Phil?
There's my back.

Oh. Oh. No. Keep the change.

Oh, thanks.

Did you put an extra tiramisu
in here?

Maybe.
Ryan! Again?

I just like coming here.

I tell you, if you were
single- [ Both ] Oh!

[ Chuckles ]

[Chuckling]

[ Both ]
Ryan!

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