Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 15 - Princess Party - full transcript
Dede hooks up with Claire's high school boyfriend the night before Lily's birthday party. Meanwhile, Mitchell won't let Cameron play Fizbo the Clown at the party, while Gloria self-medicates to cope with Dede.
It's so unfair! You told me I could go!
I told you you could go if you got a "B"
on your history exam, which you didn't.
I have a learning disability. The letters
jump around on the page and appear backwards.
Honey, we had you tested, like, six times.
Trust me, I was praying for dyslexia.
Oh, my God! Why can't you
ever let me have any f...
Ew, ew! Dad, gross.
Your hand smells like cheese.
I didn't want to dirty a knife. Sit.
Now we all know when Nana Dede comes
to visit your mom can get a little...
- All true.
Therefore, I need you guys
to be on your best behavior.
Don't worry. I'll keep to myself.
I have to practice for my cello recital.
- Oh, fine.
You know what? If it keeps you
out of your mom's hair, yes, do that.
Luke, if your mom starts to lose it, I need
you to lighten the mood by being extra cute.
No problem. I've got some stuff prepared.
"Hey, Mom, I'm 'firsty'."
Huh? Adorable, right?
Yeah, that's... that's good.
Don't worry. It works
better in my jammies.
# Hey, hey #
# Hey, hey #
# Hey, hey #
# Hey, hey #
# Hey ##
Cam, Monica can't come to
Lily's birthday party this weekend.
Her mom's gonna be in Chicago.
Oh, that's fantastic!
What part is she playing?
The city of Chicago.
Oh. Okay, gun to your head.
- Which pair should I wear?
Oh, gun to my head,
I'd say pull the trigger.
- What's that supposed to mean?
- No Fizbo.
- But why?
- Cam... Cam, the center of attention at Lily's party...
should be Lily,
not Fizbo the needy clown.
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Needy?
"Why aren't they laughing, Mitchell?
Why aren't they clapping when I'm pulling
the handkerchief out of my mouth?"
It's 10 feet long with boxer shorts
at the end. It works on so many levels.
Yeah. Well, also it's
a princess theme party.
So, I guess you just don't
respect party themes.
You did not just say that.
- I'm sorry. That was... That was crossing a line.
- Yes, it was.
So, can Fizbo come to the party?
You are Lily's dad.
Just be there as her dad.
Are you implying I'm not
being a good dad now?
Well, if the shoe fits...
They don't. They're comically large.
## ?Theme From Jaws?
Hey, Mom, Dad and Nana just pulled in.
Oh, my sweet girl.
- Gosh. I forget that you're all grown up.
You know, in my mind, you're still 12.
But look at us. Just two old ladies.
- We're home.
- Oh, good.
And we bought Lily
a beautiful birthday gift.
Yeah, I was pushing
for a cashmere throw.
Look, Jay, it's a talking storybook.
We'll record ourselves reading it...
and then at night Lily can hear our voices
before she goes to sleep.
- Terrible idea.
- Unlike the timelessness of cashmere.
Enough with the cashmere.
Why is it a terrible idea?
Don't you remember
the answering machine message?
- Hi, you've reached Jay...
- And Gloria.
Please leave a message after the...
- You didn't say "beep."
- If I say beep, then the people will think it's the beep.
No, I think they're gonna know
to wait for the actual beep.
- I don't think they'll know.
- Just trust me.
- Hi, you've reached Jay...
- And Gloria.
Please leave a message
after the "beeeeeep."
- What was that?
- You told me to make the beep.
No, I didn't tell you to make the beep.
I told you to say the word "beep."
If I say the word,
then people think it's the beep.
- It's not the beep!
- Then why even say it?
So, anyways, you'll never guess
who I saw at the airport.
Mmm, who's that?
Robbie... My Robbie Sullivan
from high school?
God, I haven't seen him in years.
Decades, really. I always liked him.
And, as I recall, the two of you couldn't
keep your hands off each other.
Oh, really, Mom?
That's not true.
It is true. I read it in your diary.
- You read my diary.
- Well, yeah.
I... I read it because I wanted to see
if you were on drugs.
- It's called parenting, Claire.
So, Mom, what's going on with Chaz.
Okay, buddy, we're gonna need you
on the front lines sooner than expected.
- You ready to be cute?
Go get 'em.
Hi, Mommy. My tummy's growling.
Can I have some "pas-ghetti"?
Sweetie, you're hurting me. And take a shower tonight.
Your hair smells like cheese.
- I'll get it.
Okay, I need a giant lollipop,
and I need it now.
- Oh, there's my girl.
- Oh, my God.
- Look at you.
- I invited him to dinner.
Didn't I tell you she'd be excited? Huh?
L... Uh-huh. I don't know what to say.
Well, maybe a Fuzzy Navel
wine cooler will loosen you up.
- It sure used to.
Hey, honey, who's this?
This is, um, Robbie...
my boyfriend from when I was 17 years
old, whom my mom invited to dinner.
- Fasten your seat belts. Phil Dunphy.
- Phil, how do you know Claire?
I know Claire from
being married to Claire.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Uh, wait a minute, uh...
Mom didn't mention that
I'm married with three kids?
No. All she said was that you were
still trying to figure out your life.
- Okay. Mom?
- Aren't we all?
- Uh, no. Not really.
Why would you not mention
that I'm married?
Oh, God, Claire. Not everything
in a conversation is about you.
Mom, I could use some help
in the kitchen.
Your words, not mine.
Whoa. You came here in a limo?
- Yep, that's right, little dude.
- Are you rich?
Luke, that's not polite.
Maybe Robbie isn't rich, but he needs
a limo because he has a lot of D.U.I.'s.
No, it's nothing like that.
The truth is, little guy,
I am rich. But not with money.
I've got my abs, I've got my hair...
and I've got a super sweet job
driving that limo outside.
- It is cool.
Hey, Luke, who's taller, me or your dad?
Oh, I don't think we need to...
I am just wearing socks, buddy.
I just don't understand why
you invited him to my house.
Because he's an old friend.
What was I gonna do, not invite him?
- Yes. Yes.
I don't know about you,
but that is not the way I was raised.
You raised me.
- You're overthinking this.
I was thinking that it might
be a hoot for you to see him again.
And did you think it might
be a hoot to ask me first?
No. If I'd asked you,
you would have said no.
Of course, Mom.
Of course I would have said no.
Oh, and I'm the bad guy?
Honestly, Claire, I wish
I had a tape recorder.
"Once upon a time,
there lived a family of bears.
There was Papa Bear"...
- That's you, Jay.
- Ah, okay. Let's see.
Do you want me to hold it
and stand in the driveway?
"Holy mackerel, this is good salmon."
- I feel like they missed an opportun...
"I don't want to eat the fish.
They are my friends."
What kind of voice is that?
- I am a bear.
- A bear? I was gonna get a crucifix.
"And then the baby bear said"...
"Good night, Mama. Good night, Papa.
This has been the best day ever."
"And after she kissed her parents good
night, she drifted off to sleep.
- The end."
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
She? Baby Bear's a girl?
We have to do it over.
- I would've played it totally different.
- I think you nailed it.
- And what's that supposed to mean?
- Manny, you're fine.
But, Jay, I need to tell you something.
It's a bear, Gloria.
I did the best I could.
No. I don't want you to get upset about
this, but I'm not going to the party.
- Yeah. It's because your ex-wife is going to be there.
And we're never good together.
I'm feeling very nervous.
It's better that I stay here.
Wow. I... I don't know what to say.
Greatest news ever!
- So you're okay with this?
- Well, I wouldn't say I'm okay with it, but I get it.
I feel like I'm in the same boat with your
friend's daughter's first communion coming up.
I always felt like the husband
never liked me.
Maybe you're right.
I should probably skip it.
Wait, wait, wait. So Robbie Sullivan's
at your house right now?
Yes. He is having dinner...
with my family.
And let me tell you something,
this chick was fat, okay?
Every time he opens his mouth, I can feel
my daughters losing respect for me.
You know, I never liked that guy.
He used to always put me in a headlock.
It is amazing the freaks we used to date.
I gotta jump.
- All right...
let's hear it.
Sir Fizbolot, royal court jester,
at your service.
I understand there's a little princess
who's in need of a jolly good time.
Your Highness said the clown doesn't fit
the princess theme...
but methinks that a court jester
is right as rain.
There goes the theory that an English
accent makes everyone sound smart.
Oh, come on. It's gonna be a boring party
without any entertainment.
I agree. Which is why I hired a princess.
Cue the gasp.
How could you do that? How dare you?
Entertaining and delighting children
is who I am.
- Be a parent.
- But I wanna...
- Go. Now.
- I wanna...
I was thinking about what you said
and maybe I should go to the party.
What'd I say? I didn't say anything.
About Maria Victoria's first communion.
We cannot let other people
make us miss important family events.
What, I'm gonna miss Alex's graduation, all
of Haley's weddings just because of Dede?
I love them. They're my family too.
Whoa, whoa. Slow down.
You're up to weddings already?
How-How about this?
Try missing tomorrow and then just...
just see how that feels.
Ay, Jay, you're so good to me.
That's why I have to go.
You're gonna be there for me...
the same way I'm gonna be there for you
at Maria Victoria's first communion.
Wait a minute, that's back on the table?
- Well, you know, we didn't want to break curfew.
as if you two ever honored a curfew.
I love your stories, Nana.
Keep on going.
Your father used to
scare the crap out of me.
not enough to keep you from sneaking in
at 3:00 in the morning.
I didn't know whether to punish you
or make you pancakes.
- Halfway through dinner, I told Claire...
that whenever she had the urge
to lash out at her mother...
she should just squeeze
my hand instead.
A doctor had to cut off my wedding ring.
Claire, you remember that time we cut
school and we went out to the pier...
- And we played that game and you won the, uh...
- Giant panda bear.
- The panda bear, right.
- Yeah. Yes.
Do you remember what we did after that?
Hey, do you still like roller coasters?
Not this one.
I know Robbie was a rogue...
but he could charm your socks off.
Although I doubt he stopped there.
- Wow, Mom.
We're all adults here, honey. Pretty much.
Okay, I think we're... we're done.
Yeah, well, I better get going.
I've got an early morning run,
celebrity client. Don't ask me who.
Let's just say that if I'm late,
I'll be in "jeopardy."
- Who is Alex Trebek?
- Uh, he's a game show host. Why?
This was incredible. Thanks a lot.
- So great.
- It was great. So good to see you.
- I know. Catching up was so fun.
- You look so good.
Hey, you... you take good care.
- You take good care now.
Oh, let's do it. Let's do that.
I'll walk you out.
- Really, Mom?
- I was young.
- I thought he was sexy.
- Go to your room.
I did it. She brought all the crazy
in her arsenal and I did not crack.
I think a bone in my hand did.
Oh, honey. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- You know what hurt more?
I used to think your mother loved me.
Apparently, she always
wished you'd married Robbie.
Oh, no, sweetie.
This was all about her trying to annoy me.
Come on, she's practically walking
you two down the aisle.
Oh, he left his phone.
All those Mother's Day cards I sent her.
All those joke e-mails she forwarded
to me months after I'd already seen 'em.
Well, no more polite L.O.L.'s
for you, Dede.
Holy cow. Wow.
Okay. Well, you were right.
It's not about me.
- You are pretty.
Stop eyeing the princess.
You're gonna freak her out.
I don't know. I think the whole idea
of needing a prince to come along...
and make you happy sends
the wrong message, Mitchell... I really do.
Really? And a grown man pulling
boxer shorts out of his mouth doesn't?
- Hi, hi.
- Hi, hi.
- Hi. Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, Phil.
- So, where is she? Where's Mom?
Yeah, let's get the weirdness over with.
- I thought she was coming with you.
- Oh, no, no.
I haven't seen Mom since...
- Oh, she made out with my ex-boyfriend last night.
- No, my God.
Yeah, yeah. And then
she took off with him...
didn't come back to the house
until after I was asleep.
And then this morning left a cute little note
that said, "Having breakfast with Robbie."
What the hell is she doing?
He's half her age.
Don't say it.
I think it's sweet.
Love is beautiful. It has no age.
When it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
That is the question.
Dad, what's going on over there?
She was a little nervous
about your mother being here...
so she tried her first Xanax,
washed it down with a shot of tequila.
Ay, look at the princess.
It's so beautiful.
Really? 'Cause I don't see it.
There's the birthday girl.
Glitter? That'll settle in her lungs.
So I wanted to ask what method
of payment you prefer?
Cash, credit card, check?
Why, princesses don't get paid,
except maybe in laughter and sparkles.
That's nice. But I really need to know.
All I ask is that a little
girl's birthday wishes...
# Come true #.
Miss, seriously, if you
wanna get paid, I need...
Fine. You can make the check out
to Party Stars, Incorporated.
Never break character! Never ever!
- But nothing!
When I was a clown,
my shoe caught on fire...
and one of my fellow clowns put me out
with a bucket of flammable confetti.
- What's happening?
- Even as they loaded me into the ambulance...
I continued to make balloon animals.
- Flammable confetti?
- There was a seltzer bottle right there!
I cannot believe it.
She brought him to the party.
Oh, my God. I'm gonna kill her. I'm...
Stop. No, not... not now. The last thing
I need is some big scene, Claire.
You know she's doing this
just to torture me.
No. She's doing this to get back at me
because I didn't let her stay with us.
You're both wrong. It's about me.
I got the young girl,
she had to get the young guy.
Well, she and I are good.
We had a long talk last night after you
and I "split" that bottle of wine...
and you "fell asleep" on the stairs.
I don't know why everybody's
getting so upset about this.
Maybe it's about passion,
about what the body wants.
What the... What the heart
wants for the heart.
Dad, seriously, can you
deal with Cheech and Chong.
Hi, everyone. Jay, Gloria.
Ah, buenos d?as, Dede.
Mi amor bello, ? c?mo est?s?
Ah, Gloria, come on. Let's sit down.
- Hi, Mom. Hi.
- Hello, Mitchell.
- Thank you for coming.
- Oh, you remember Robbie.
Yes, I do. Yes. Hi.
Oh, that's Lily.
Oh, I guess you're trying to keep
the outfit I sent her clean.
So, Robbie, it looks like the years have
been treating you good, huh?
- Hey. What's up, Red?
I love this guy. Remember we used to
wrestle around all the time?
- Please stop. Is my baby watching?
- Good to see you, man.
- I need to talk to you for a second. Let me just...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ask you a little something...
What are you doing with my mother?
Hey, I've got a code. What happens
in the limo, stays in the limo.
- She's my mother!
- Look, I know this is all a little freaky...
but I had a crush on your mother
back in high school.
And it's always been
kind of a fantasy for me.
Ew! You were dating me
and fantasizing about my mother?
- Oh, boy.
I think we both know
what this is really all about.
- Uh, no.
- You still want me.
Oh, my God. Are you insane?
- Oh, what's going on here, you two?
- You are. You're insane.
- Claire still wants me.
- No. Don't.
- Oh, I should've seen this coming.
- Oh, really?
- One minute she sees I'm happy, and she swoops in...
- Didn't swoop!
- I didn't swoop! If anybody swooped, it was you!
- Claire. Claire.
- You swooped!
- Not now. Not now. Not now. No, stop, please.
She accused me of trying to steal
my old boyfriend from her.
- Okay, fine. But make it quick.
Why does everything have
to be so hard with you?
Why can't you just be
a normal, old grandma?
You come in here...
It's some sort of sick game for you...
to just push people
and push people and push people...
and see how far you can push them, until
finally, look at me, you win! You win!
- I'm screaming at a princess party, Mom!
- I'm screaming at a princess party.
- Claire, Claire.
Claire, Claire, Claire, Claire.
Robbie, I think maybe,
you know, you should take off.
Yeah, yeah. Look, I hear you, Phil.
Uh, but between you and me, I'm getting some
serious vibes from the princess over here...
- and I'd kinda like to play that out.
Hey, time to go.
Hey, Mr. P. How ya been?
I'm doing good. But I never liked you
in the basement with my daughter...
and I don't like you here with my ex.
You know, your little intimidation game
may have worked on me when I was a kid...
but I'm a full grown man now...
and I think I should go.
So much for keeping it all about Lily.
Well, yeah, and I certainly didn't help...
by berating that perfectly
sweet journeyman princess like I did.
God, look at this place.
- We need somebody to pump some life back into this party.
- I got this.
I'll go in and turn on some music, bring out
the cupcakes, pump up the bubble machine.
Is that a roundabout way of saying
a certain clown can come to the party?
I was wrong.
Every kid wants a clown for a dad.
Oh! You just made
a little girl very happy.
Yes. Well, I can see that.
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
I will be fine.
'Cause you know Claire gets stressed
out. That stuff she said out there...
- Was all true.
I don't know what I was thinking with him.
I feel like such a fool.
You got flattered by the attention of a younger
guy and you got a little carried away.
- So what?
- It's not that.
It's... I divorced you because
I was looking for something else.
I haven't found it.
But when I come back here,
I feel like I have to prove something...
like people are looking at me saying,
"You broke up the family.
- What do you have to show for it?"
- You did the right thing.
We were stalled. I didn't
have the guts to end it.
That's because you're a decent man.
And that doesn't make it any easier.
I just don't want to be
thought of as "Crazy Nana."
That's not really who I am.
I think, more than anything else,
my real problem is...
- Huh? No, Dede!
?Ay! ? Qu? pasa?
- So maybe it isn't about me.
- Or me.
I told you it was about me.
I got Gloria!
I got Gloria!
"And then Papa Bear said"...
"Baby and I are going fishing."
This is such a precious gift.
I know. I can't believe my dad
sat down and did this.
Jay, pay attention. It's your line.
I just had a damn line.
Manny, freshen this up for me.
- No. No more drinks until we finish this.
Cam's just gonna return it anyway.
- Cue gasp.
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