Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Caught in the Act - full transcript

Come on! Let's go.

We're gonna need a little extra time
at airport security...

'cause I'm pretty sure
they're gonna want to pat you down.

Manny's with his father for the weekend...

so Jay and I are flying to Vegas.

I'm a little torn because
I want alone time with Gloria...

but I also like rubbing
Manny's head for good luck.

I just need to send this
e-mail to Claire...

why I'm not working
on the bake sale next week...

- but I can't say the real reason.
- Why not?

Because she drive me crazy
when she's in charge of these things.



- We got a flight to catch, so let me help you out here.
- Okay.

You tell me what you wanna say to her, and
I'll help you find a nice way to say it.

I want to say...

"I can't work on the bake sale...

- because you're a bossy control freak...

that looks down on my cupcakes, even
though your lemon squares were very dry."

There. Okay? How's this?

"Dear Claire, I can't work the bake sale...

because you're a bossy
control freak who look down"...

Very funny, Jay.

-
- Ay. Ay.

Why the whoosh? Where did...
Where is the e-mail? It sended!

- ?Ay! Make it come back.
- I don't know how to make it come back.

Now she's gonna read it
and she's gonna think it's from me!



Well, technically, it was from you.
But come on. Let's hit the road.

It sended!

Please come back.

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey, hey #

# Hey ##.

We love our neighborhood.
But sometimes...

the last thing you wanna do
after fighting traffic...

is get back in the car to go out to eat...

and the only restaurant within
walking distance is Shawarma City.

Two shawarma combo. Meat or chicken?

- One meat, one chicken.
- And can you make the chicken all white meat?

- Number 32. Pay cashier.
- That's not an answer.

Then, a miracle happened.

The hottest new restaurant in
the city opened up two blocks away.

- Amelia's.
- But there was a problem.

- They can take us at 5:15.
- What are we, 80?

- Or 10:45.
- What are we, 20?

Then, miracle number two.

Turns out one of the mothers at Lily's
preschool is none other than Amelia herself.

So we arranged a playdate
with her son Jackson...

where we would,
you know, charm Amelia.

Okay. The most important playdate ever.

So I'm really gonna need you
to sparkle, sweetie.

Oh, I'm gonna sparkle
like it's the Fourth of July.

- I was talking to Lily.
- Hmm?

It's our parents' anniversary, so we're
surprising them with breakfast in bed.

They're impossible to buy for.

We think. We've never really tried.

Okay, ready?

One, two, three.

Surprise...

No! Oh!

No!
- No!

- I'm sorry!
- Nothing's happening!

Oh, my God!

Yeah. Our kids walked in on us.

We were, as they say, having sex.

That's not a euphemism, Phil.
It's exactly what we were doing.

Having sex... in front of our children.

- Well, they weren't there when we started.
- No.

- In fact, you weren't even there when we started.

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- It's okay.

- Maybe they didn't see anything.
- Sweetie, they screamed.

They dropped a tray of dishes and they
ran out of here like they were on fire.

You were on fire, lady.

Really? You're still going?

Forgive me for thinking your
zesty performance deserves some praise.

Phil, our children are downstairs right
now, and they're probably traumatized.

Oh, come on.
I'm sure it's not that bad.

I can still see it!

I can't believe that just happened.

- What were they doing?
Nothing.

Whatever it was,
it looked like Dad was winning.

"It"! They were doing "it"!

- He has no idea what you're talking about.
- Sex?

Yes!

I know what sex is, Alex.

It's when a man and a woman take off their
underpants and then get into the bed.

- Stop talking!

- Try Claire again.
- I'm not getting a signal.

Relax. We'll get her.

Shorty told me about this restaurant
in Vegas.

It's got a three-story
wine tower right in the middle of it.

Guy who gets your wine
flies around on a wire.

- Like the Peter Pan?
- No.

Not like "the Peter Pan."
This is a high-end place.

Oh, yeah, because
all the finest restaurants in the world...

have people flying around on wires.

You know, you used to go bananas when the
Japanese guy flipped a shrimp onto your plate.

- Now look at you.
- Try her again!

Fine. And just so you know,
it's not like Peter Pan.

I mean, nobody wears tights or anything.

Well, if they're not wearing anything,
I don't want them flying over my food.

-
- Hello?

Phil, it's me. Can I talk to Claire?

Yeah. One second, Jay.

- It's your dad.
- No, no. Can't. Uh-uh.

She doesn't want to talk right now.

- Ay, no.
- Why not?

Uh, she's a little too upset.

Phil, put her on.

- He says he wants you...
- Hang up the phone.

- I'm sorry, Jay. She says I have to go.

You know,
she's my daughter and everything...

but that guy seriously needs
to grow a pair.

Well, we tried. Vegas, here we come.

Turn around the car.

Only 'cause I want to.

This is a beautiful home.
I love the throwback to the '60s.

Although if this was the '60s, we'd be
a couple of "confirmed bachelors"...

and Lily would be a Yorkie.

And I'd still be
trapped in a loveless marriage.

- Oh, Amelia.

- Come on.
- Oh, you are funny.

Oh!

I really like you guys.

I haven't had a lot of time
to meet the other parents.

- Single mom, hectic work schedule...
- Now, what do you do, Amelia?

I own a few restaurants.

- Oh.
- I just opened one nearby.

Oh, my gosh. Are you that Amelia?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my gosh!

We've heard wonderful things about
the restaurant. It must be doing well.

We can never seem to get a reservation.

- Can't get in.
- Can't.

Well, that's no problem.
The next time you call, just tell them...

- Oop. One second.

- I'm sorry. Tell them what?
- Hello?

Did you show it to him?
And what did he say?

Okay. Hold on a second.
I'm-I'm gonna switch phones.

I'm sorry. It's the restaurant.
- Oh.

- Excuse me just a minute.
- Yeah, you said to tell them something.

Did you hear that?
When we know what to say, we're in.

Oh, this is very exciting. I've never had
an in at a restaurant before.

They'll probably greet us at the door by
our names, show us to our favorite table.

Let us play fast and loose
with the menu...

order lunch things for dinner,
dinner things for lunch.

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

Cameron, stop moving!

Are you there? Put him on the phone.

That's the baby monitor.
Should we turn it off?

Who am I speaking to?
Well, Mr. Campbell...

you need to replace the extremely
expensive countertop...

that one of your incompetent workers
clearly ruined...

when he was supposed to be
fixing the refrigerator.

See? Okay. This is why she's so
successful. She's tough but calm.

Because I'm not an idiot!

As is evidenced by my law degree...

which I will happily dust off and use to
crush you in court if you don't fix it...

replace it or send me a
check in the next 72 hours.

You know what? Stay right there.

- Don't move.
-

- Act like you weren't listening.
- What does that look like?

- Like this.

I'm so sorry. I have to run down
to the restaurant for a minute.

I really feel terrible asking,
but would you guys mind?

- It's not a problem. We'll watch the kids.
Oh, yes.

You go take care of that fabulous restaurant
of yours that we cannot wait to try.

And when we do call, Amelia, you said...

Jackson, Mommy will be right back,
okay? Thanks you guys so much.

I owe you big-time. Okay.

- Did you hear that?
- She owes us big-time.

You know, she also has
that restaurant in Las Vegas...

where the sommeliers
fly around on wires.

Oh, my gosh. Lily, thank you for being such
a trouper with Mr. Personality over there.

I'm gonna get you a treat.

Oh. A juice box broke in here.
It's all wet inside.

Will you stop gasping?
It's just a diaper...

Oh!

Okay. We need a game plan.

We need to rehearse exactly
what we're gonna say...

'cause that is the only way
I'm gonna hold it together...

when my babies are looking at me
with judgment and disgust.

First of all,
that's how they always look at us.

Oh, Phil.

Secondly, this isn't as traumatic
as you think.

Honey, I walked in
on my parents having sex once.

It was... oh, awful.
I can't even get the image out of my mind.

Claire, we're not your parents.
We're in much better shape.

Okay. You wanna know the worst thing?

They didn't even talk about it.
They just let it hang there.

I'm not gonna do that to our kids.

Phil, this... this is
a defining moment for us as parents.

How we handle this
could shape how they feel...

- about sex and intimacy for the rest of their lives.
- Honey. Honey.

- Oh, God.
- This is only a big deal if we make it a big deal.

We set the tone here.
So let's just play it cool.

Act like it was a big, funny mix-up.
Crack a few jokes, lighten the mood.

- Jokes?
- Yeah.

- What kind of jokes?
- Well, this is...

I'm just spitballing here, but...

What if I was all, "Knock, knock."

And they were, like, "Who's there?"
And I was all...

"Someone who doesn't
want to see their parents doing it.

That's why we knocked."

Again, this is... this is very rough.

Why are they still up there?

Yeah. How long does sex take?

Oh, my God. Stop talking.

Did you guys notice that Dad had the same
look on his face as when he smells a new car?

I need to leave. I need to go to camp.

This is gonna be so weird
when they come down.

Let's just go. Okay? Come on.

- Wait. But I'm hungry.
- We'll get breakfast.

Let's just go! Come on!

- Let's go! Come on!
- Where are you going?

- Anywhere.
- Where is your mother?

- I need to talk to her.
- I don't think it's a good time right now.

She won't come out of her room.

- She's really upset, isn't she?
- Big-time.

- How'd you know?
- We called.

Tell me exactly what she said.

I don't know.
There was just a lot of screaming.

Where was your father
when all this was going on?

Oh. He was right behind her.

It's not coming out! It's not coming out!

Blot! Don't rub, blot!

We are beyond blotting and rubbing.

- We've moved on to sweating and crying.
- Okay. Let's not panic.

We'll tell Amelia what happened,
and then we'll pay to have it cleaned.

- What if it can't be cleaned, Mitchell?
- Okay, okay.

Then we'll pay for a new rug.

Are you insane?

This is a limited edition
alpaca handmade Stark rug.

I saw it in Architectural Digest.
It costs $50,000.

- It was in Diane Keaton's house.
- Oh, my...

Oh, no. It was in...
oh, what's-her-name's house.

Um, from Prizzi's Honor.

From, uh...
Oh, she was in Addams Family.

- Anjelica Huston!
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. $50,000?

For a rug?
Cam, we don't have that kind of money.

Maybe she won't make us pay. I mean, we wouldn't
make someone pay if this happened to us.

Did you not hear her on the phone?
"Fix it! Replace it! Write me a check!"

She probably has that
embroidered on a pillow...

right next to a jar of human tears.

- Maybe we can turn this around.
- How? It looks like someone bled out over here.

No. I mean the rug.
Maybe we can turn the whole rug around.

Put it under the couch. See?
No one would ever know it's there.

- Well, we would know.
- Well...

- What are you thinking?
- You don't wanna know.

No, tell me,
'cause I think I'm thinking the same thing.

I seriously doubt that, because now
I'm thinking it was Joan Collins's house.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

- Gloria. What are you... What are you doing here?
- Wait. Where are the kids?

They just left.
They told me that you were very upset.

- Oh, God.
- And you have every right to be. It was bad.

I know that.

Claire, it was an accident.

That doesn't make it any better.

Okay, you're right. I know how you feel.

- Oh, God.
- It happened to me before with another woman.

And that time, I was the one getting it.

- And it hurt.
- Wow.

I'm sorry it had to come out like this.

But you have to admit that you're only happy
when you're the one cracking the whip.

- What?
- Come on.

We all know how you ride Phil.

But maybe if you just let go a little...

maybe even taste my cupcakes...

I will join you.

No. Uh... No. No.
I am so confused right now.

- I may pass out.
- What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

The kids just walked in
on me and Phil in bed.

We've just spent the last hour holed up in our
room, trying to figure out what to say to them.

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Can I use your computer?
I just need to check one e-mail.

- Yeah, the kitchen.
- Gloria, I just switched us to the next flight.

Did you guys get everything
straightened out?

Claire is very upset because
the kids just walk in on them having sex.

Oh, geez.

Now that we're all up to speed...

She's so upset that she hasn't even had time
to apply her makeup or use her computer.

What are you even doing here, Dad?

I don't think you should be the one
doing the questioning here, missy.

Don't get mad at her. Your wife's the one
who just offered up her cupcakes.

Phil.

Good thing we had Mom's gas card.

Don't make me regret
buying you that lighter, dude.

- Put it down.
- Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

Our parents are totally irresponsible.

And I'm not just talking about us walking
in on their little freak show earlier.

- Just let it go.
- No! We're lucky to be alive.

How often do they let Luke go to school
in shorts in the winter?

And they let me ride in the front seat
before I was 60 pounds.

And they never shut the gate at
the top of the stairs when we were babies.

Do you know how many times
you fell on your head? Do you?

- No.
- We get it. It was bad.

But, you know...

I guess it's better than having parents
who fight all the time... maybe.

My friend Jacob's parents
are getting divorced.

He has to move out of his house.

- They told him last week.
- That sucks.

He'll get used to it.
Half of my friends' parents are divorced.

- Mine too.
- It's insane.

So it's a good thing
Mom and Dad still do sex.

Better than Mom leaving the stove on,
which she's done twice this month.

I just realized we haven't even gotten
to the worst part of it yet.

Which is?

They're gonna want to talk about it.

Maybe not.

Are you kidding? Their parents
never talked about anything...

so they want to talk about everything.

Yeah. They called a family meeting
when we switched to one percent milk.

- I don't know where those kids are.

What is more important than putting
a working lock on a bedroom door?

- You are one to talk.
- What is that supposed to mean?

You don't remember when I walked in
on you and Mom that time?

Gloria, could we please go now?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So why don't you
just get off your high horse, Dad?

At least I am trying to handle this
better than the two of you did.

- What did we do?
- You made gimlets and went back to your room.

What were we supposed to do?

You-You could have talked to me.

- You could have made sure that I was okay.
- Wanna talk about it?

- Yes.
- Fine!

Your mother and I were watching a particularly
racy episode of Hart to Hart.

- Oh!
- Stefanie Powers had to go undercover as a call girl.

- Mm-mmm. Dad...
- Hang on.

- This whole story makes more sense...
- Okay.

If you know I got a thing
for thigh-high boots.

Oh, gross. Gross.
You are ruining sex for me.

And boots.

Hey.

- Working okay for you?
- Yes.

I was sending an e-mail
to my brother in Colombia.

- Oh.
- I was telling him about Claire.

You know, I realized there's so much
I don't know about her.

Like, for example,
what is her favorite word?

Or what was her first pet's name?

Gloria, I'm not an idiot.

Are you trying to get Claire's password?

Okay, fine.

I sent her something by mistake.

I need to get into Claire's e-mail
to erase it before she sees it.

- Before I see what?
- Hola, Claire.

Hi, Gloria. Before I see what?

It's so embarrassing.

You see, Jay and I...

It's a naked picture of Gloria.

Whoa.

Yes. Naked.

- Mmm.
- I was gonna send it to Jay.

You see everything... the whole body.

- I need to sit.
- Okay.

Wow, Dad.

So you just got done giving me a lecture on
the importance of locking my bedroom door...

while in my house to retrieve naked pictures
that your wife accidentally sent me.

- The irony is just occurring to me.
- Mmm. Mmm.

- Wow.
- What are you doing?

- What I'm doing is deleting it.
Good for you.

- Let's go to Vegas!
Ciao!

Do us a favor. No pictures.

Oh, Gloria. Listen.

We do need to talk about the bake sale
at some point. I have some concerns.

- Of course you do.
- Bye-bye!

What do we do now?

Okay, I'm really afraid
of reading this situation the wrong way...

but I'm 80% sure you're coming on to me.

Okay, now 40.

Mitchell, we need to make a decision.

Mitchell, we need to make a decision.

It was the perfect plan. Turn the rug...

and she wouldn't find the stain for years.

But we couldn't do it. We're too honest.

There are certain moments
in life that define you...

and this is one of those moments.

Guys, I'm so sorry that took so long.

Oh, my God. What happened here?

- Jackson did it.
- He grabbed Lily's strawberry juice and started drinking it.

Before we could stop
him, it was all over everything.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

- We are horrible people.
- I'm only following your lead.

Yeah, so close that you stepped
on the back of my shoe.

Come here. Jackson's allergic to
strawberries. His throat will close up.

He can go into anaphylactic shock.
I need to inject him right now.

- He seems all right to me.
- Maybe just get him some fresh air.

Stop talking! He really hates this...

so I'm gonna need you to help me
pin down his arms and his legs.

Jackson, Mommy's so sorry to have to do this,
but it's only gonna hurt for a second.

- His arms!
- Oh!

Okay. All right, here we go.
One. Two...

- Wait!
- Wait!

- Jackson didn't drink the juice.
- I stepped on Lily's bag. The juice box fell.

We panicked because we heard you on the phone
and we can't afford Joan Collins's rug!

We are so, so sorry.

We could not feel any worse.

Oh, no. That's bad.

Number 19!

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Number 19!

Oh, could we have some napkins please?

All out of napkins.
Paper towels in bathroom, Mitchell.

He knows your name!

And, uh, I'm just gonna say it.

I'm really sorry about what happened.

Well, we're not sorry
about what happened.

- We're sorry that you saw what happened.
- Okay. They get that.

Let's see.
No one wants to see their parents...

Sssssss...

- Your sensuality...
- Not dressed... Oh.

Basically, it's two adults.
- Adults.

- It's like you're shaking hands...
- Mm-hmm.

But you're not using your hands at all.

I can't handle
a big family talk about this.

We're not gonna have a choice.

When they start talking, just smile
and nod and think about something else.

Yeah, it's easy. Just like at school.

Yeah.

So I guess what I'm saying here is that...

as you get older
and explore your sexuality...

you will discover that as long as
you are in a committed relationship...

with consenting adults, there's really
nothing to be embarrassed about.

And let's face it.
Your mom can't keep her hands off me...

whenever the gun show comes to town.

Good one, Dad.

Humor makes difficult situations easier.

Wow. Really?

Totally. You talked to us on our level...

but without being condescending.

- We did.
- All right.

- I guess we did.
- Huh!

Yay us!

- I think we really handled that well.
- Me too.

- You were excellent.
- You were pretty good.

- Oh!
- Oh.

- This is such a weird day.
- I know it.

By the way, happy anniversary.

It always is. Mmm.

Hey, Mom, can I get...
Oh, my God! Enough!

- Hey. What's this?
- Your anniversary present.

- Aw!
- That's very sweet.

- My goodness.
- What is it?

A door lock. How embarrassing.

Thank you.

- We'll use it all the time.
- Mmm.

We thought the lock
was a really good idea.

But the problem
is, it makes a noise.

A loud noise.

It's hard for me to look at Dad afterwards.

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