Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 9 - The Last Christmas - full transcript

Guys, I am nailing my seating chart.

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS]

Can you not put me near Luke?
I can't with the chewing.

You are a spoiled city kid.

I was 11 before I got to
sit at the people table.

Cam. Cam, I've asked you 10 times.

Why haven't you sent me our itinerary

for your trip to your parents' house?

Been a little busy.

Okay, well,
you spent three hours making a JibJab

of you, me,
and Lily dancing in Santa's Twerkshop.



[CHUCKLING] Look at our butts.

- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
- HALEY: Merry Christmas!

- CLAIRE: Merry Christmas.
- Hello.

So, who's going to get me a drink?

Mama's done breast-feeding.

These babies are all mine again,

and I'm ready to fill 'em up with wine.

Ooh. Well, not how the human body works,

but I'm very happy for you.

- Ah! I've missed Old Haley!
- Ohh! Me too.

Oh, hey, can you move Haley
away from me and the twins?

My present to her is the night
off from Mommy duties, so...

Okay, well, I would've appreciated
a little heads-up,

but it's a thoughtful gift, so...



It's also free, which is helpful

because I forgot my ATM pin last summer.

Any chance I ever mentioned my
four favorite numbers to you?

- No.
- Oh, no.

Please move me away from Gloria.
It'll be weird.

Gloria's been working for my dad.

He totally mentored her,
and then the other day,

I caught her interviewing
with his competitors.

GLORIA: So, if I come on board,

do I have to change my hairstyle?

[LAUGHTER]

- We'll talk about it.
- It's kind of our thing.

[SCOFFS]

- [GASPS]
- Word to the wise...

I'm like the last five
Matthew McConaughey movies.

You never saw me.

[SQUEAKS]

Fine.

BOTH: Merry Christmas!

- CLAIRE: Hello.
- PHIL: Wow!

Now, this is what a Christmas
table should look like.

- Huh.
- No offense, honey.

I also love your whole
"who cares" approach.

Um... Cam?

- I can't sit next to Dad.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

I think he's gonna ask me to work
for his stupid dog bed company.

Ugh. Claire!

What?!

I can't break his heart on Christmas.

You know how the holiday makes
him so sweet and vulnerable.

JAY: I hate this damn scarf!

I look like Anjelica Huston!

Cam bought it! You wear it!

Hey!

Love the scarf!
I feel like a movie star!

Cam, put me next to Claire, okay?

I want to talk to her about something.

PHIL: There she is!

I can't wait to give you your gift.

Should we open it now?
Let's open it now.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Huh?

You get it?

2020 vision.

It works two ways.

You are gonna be on so many bus benches.

And in a different way than
when you had to go somewhere

before you married Jay.

Wow. Dad, that is a lovely gesture.

Thank you, Alex.

You always know what to
say and what not to say.

- Phil, you're amazing.
- [PHIL CHUCKLES]

Which is ironic, I think,

because your son might be a sociopath.

Wait. W-What's all this, then?

Why don't you ask him?

Luke, what happened?

I will tell you what happened.

Instead of helping
Manny get Sherry back,

he stole her for himself!

It's true. Sherry and I are a thing.

- What?! - Oh, my God. Wow.
- Seriously?

Cam, take Manny off.

He's not coming.

Okay, fine. Everybody
just sit wherever they want,

like a bunch of hobos
around a barrel fire.

♪

Luke, how could you do this?

And to Manny, of all people?

I feel bad,
but this thing with Sherry is...

special.

This isn't my usual hit it and quit it.

- That's rough on the ears.
- Charming.

Plus, Sherry doesn't want
to be with Manny,

and we really connect.

Well, I... [SIGHS]

I guess if you really care
about her that much...

I do. She's smart and cool,

and, man, does she make me laugh.

I get it.

Nothing sexier than a funny woman.

[CHUCKLES]

Or an organized one.

So, what's up with you and Cam?

I'm sensing tension.

I didn't sense any tension.

I was just looking for some drama

and figured it was a safe bet.

- There is tension!
- Mm!

Okay, so, first of all,

he's being extra crazy
about this dinner.

- Uh-huh.
- But now get this...

Every Christmas, I complain about

having to go home with him to...
to see his family,

and this year,
he said I don't have to go.

And he was totally cool about it.

Oh, no. Super fishy.

So, you didn't find any clues
when you went through his luggage?

I... didn't go through his luggage.

It's like you want your
marriage to fall apart.

Come on. Ugh.

What are we gonna do
about Luke and Manny?

Nothing. The last thing I want

is to get into a whole
thing with Gloria.

Hey, hon, got a minute?

Ugh. Second to last.

Sorry, Dad! I gotta get into
a whole thing with Gloria.

Or nobody gets into
anything with anybody

and we have a storybook Christmas.

- How about a mini cheeseball?
- Mnh-mnh.

Is Luke going to break up with Sherry?

Gloria, I am sorry
that Manny is so upset,

but Luke's feelings are sincere.

He's already beating himself up.

Please, don't be mad at him.

You're right.
I shouldn't be mad at Luke.

He didn't raise himself.

Uh...

one more time?

Based on the stories from your past,

you've rarely denied yourself
the pleasures of the flesh.

- Okay! Time...
- Wow!

- Time out! Time out!
- MITCHELL: Cam? Cam!

Why do you have a first-class
ticket to Missouri?

Okay, not now. And why are you
digging through my suitcase?

- Uh...
- CLAIRE: Hey, Dad?

Are you just gonna stand there

while your wife calls me a tramp?

I feel this is a risky time to weigh in.

Agreed. No more fighting.

Let's just all enjoy a cheeseball!

- Mnh.
- It's my grandma's 100-year-old recipe,

except I use cayenne
pepper instead of cocaine.

PHIL: I'm sorry, Gloria.

No one calls my wife loose.

In her day, did she enjoy the
company of a few men? Sure.

Is it hard to leave the house

without running into
one of her ex-lovers?

Depends on what city we're in.

Do you have an end to this?

Her body, her choices,

all over this beautiful planet!

- Can we get back to the first-class ticket thing?
- Yeah. Yeah.

What are we hiding?

Okay, I'm not sure what
you have to do with this,

but my parents bought me that ticket.

Your parents?
The people whose idea of fancy

is dropping a Certs
into a jar of schnapps?

I'll have you know that
Grandma's Mint Rockets

are the cocktail of choice
at the governor's mansion.

You coddle Manny.

He should already be over Sherry.

But I guess that's what
happens when you let a kid

sleep in your bed till he's... 15.

13.

Why are we talking about Manny, anyway,

when this is clearly Phil's fault?

- What?
- What?!

Well, I mean, you obviously

didn't teach Luke about
the gentlemen's code.

I did so!

Never leave a high-five hanging,

no hug is too tight if
you slap the guy's back...

It's never steal a broad from a friend,

never let him grow a mustache

unless they're a first responder.

Okay. That is some high
horse you're on there, Dad.

Accusing Phil of dropping
the parenting ball?

Here we go.

Name two of my friends growing up.

The mean one and the heavy one.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

- Hey, just a heads-up... Manny's here.
- GLORIA: What?

That shows how brave he is.

Eh, but let's talk about something else.

The last thing he wants is
to make all this a big deal.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello, all.

Forgive my somber drapings,

but like Masha in Chekhov's
"The Seagull,"

I am in mourning for my life.

And don't worry.
I don't want any trouble.

Today is not about me.
It's about family.

Our family.

And the deep, profound love we share.

Man, that's cheesy.

Maybe, but it's how I feel.

Thank you, Manny,
for reminding us all what's important

and how this should be the
most memorable Christmas.

Manny, would you care
for a champagne cocktail?

Please. I do love champagne.

And maybe when I turn my back,

Luke can put his tongue all over it.

[SOBBING]

Everything hurts! [WHIMPERS]

Luke, I think you should go.

No. He is not going anywhere.

Every family has a bad seed
that needs to be cast out

so that they can find their way back.

I thought that ours
was going to be Haley,

but an accidental pregnancy

saved her from a life of degradation.

Aww! [CHUCKLES]

- W...
- Nobody has to leave.

I can spend one evening
with the people I love

and a shifty lecher

who sleeps in a shower cap
filled with mayonnaise.

It gives me my sheen.

And I told you that in confidence,
you hump!

Okay! Knock it off!

It is time for some farm justice.

Back home, when we have two alpha bulls,

we lock 'em in a pen
and let them fight it out.

This is between Manny and Luke.

Come on! Let's go. Hyah! Hyah!

Oh, and help yourself
to a gingerbread person.

They're both gluten and gender free.

Ohh!

- Oh.
- Isn't they a cutie?

Do not come out of this
room until this is settled.

I will tell you what I tell the bulls,
gentlemen...

I love you both,

but don't make me regret
letting you keep your testicles.

[SIGHS]

Okay. Punch me.

I know it sounds crazy, but I think...

[GRUNTS]

- [GROANS]
- Whoa! Amazing!

[EXHALES SHARPLY] I can't
believe you did that!

Me neither. And it didn't make
me feel better, by the way.

Maybe kick him or jab him in the eye.

Manny, I'm sorry.

I wish it were someone else,

but I really do care about Sherry.

I go to sleep thinking about her.

I wake up thinking about her.

When I see her, it's like...

my heart is smiling.

Wow. I didn't think this
house could get any gayer.

Well, I care about her, too,
and I want her to be happy.

So...

make sure she knows how you feel.

She's the kind of girl
who needs to hear that.

I don't know.
I'm not good at that stuff.

I'm better off just playing it cool.

[SIGHS]

Can't believe I'm saying this...

but I can help.

I'll talk, you type.

[SCOFFS]

Are you being nice to
make me feel worser?

Okay, I'll talk and type.

Honey, there you are!

I've been wanting to talk
to you about something...

About the greatest golf
shot you ever made?

- What was that?
- Oh, man.

- 10th hole at Riviera.
- Mm-hmm?

- I had a decision to make.
- Yeah?

I could go left and stay
out of trouble or...

Can't do it. Is Phil calling me?

Listen, before you run,
I have a professional opportunity

- I'd like you to think...
- I-I'd love to hear it.

J... I'm just a little stuffy.
Let me get some air.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Are you aware that there are

15 times more dogs in
the world than Italians?

Feels offensive. Not sure why.

- Should we be mingling?
- Listen.

- I'm not gonna do a big spiel.
- Mm-hmm.

Suffice to say that science has shown us

that having a well-rested dog
improves our earning potential

more than attending college.

Dad? Can we play with my trucks now?

Give me a couple of minutes,
buddy, okay?

'Cause I'm talking to the
new VP of Dog Beds by Stella.

Claire?

Claire?

Do you really think that Cam's parents

bought him a first-class ticket?

Aren't they poor?

Don't they, like, eat plants and animals

they find in their yard?

They're farmers, yes.

We gotta dig deeper.

Get Cam's phone. Check his texts.

That's an invasion of his privacy.

Plus, I don't even know his passcode.

Well, I just need his face.

I break into Dylan's phone all
the time while he's sleeping.

Not that I need to.

All he does is Google water parks.

Ooh! Uncle Cam!

I forgot my phone in my car,

and I want to take a Boomerang
of me and my favorite uncle

- at his gorgeous Christmas dinner.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Can I use yours?
- Well, that's very flattering,

- but I'm a little busy with...
- A-5, 6, 7, 8.

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- [IMITATING TECHNO MUSIC]

Aha! It's gonna be huge.
I'm gonna text it to myself.

Okay, well, thank you.

We're in. Bring the wine.

Ooh, do Lily next.
I'm worried she's vaping.

Dad? What are you doing
over here by yourself?

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm... I'm worried
this Luke and Manny thing

will affect me and Gloria at work.

We've been having such a great time.

I call us "Chica and the Man."

Dad, I have to tell you something.

- Tell him what?
- How?!

Hey, everybody,
look who's friends again.

That's right.

Luke's gonna date Sherry, Manny's okay.

Problem solved, farm-style!

Moooo...

Sorry about that.

Back home, when someone
would yell "farm-style,"

we'd all moo together.

It's a sign of good breeding.

Anyway, come. Sit, sit.
Let's go. Sit down.

How do you call yourself Colombian

after letting that skunk
off the hook so easily?

Tell me, at least, that you have
one of his toes in your pocket.

Come on, now, Gloria. This is good news.

Disloyalty being rewarded?

Disloyalty? Really?

Dad, I caught Gloria interviewing
for a job with another Realtor.

What?!

- Chica! How could you?
- JAY: There she is.

The woman that threw herself
out the window to avoid me.

No, Dad. Don't be silly. I-I fell.

No, no, no, honey. I get it.

You don't want to come and work for me,
and I think I know why.

Dad, I'm sorry.

No, you don't want to let me down again,

like with that whole...
Ezravision fiasco.

- What?
- [LAUGHS]

Oh, insensitive old white men.

What would Christmas be without one?

We seem to have insensitive
people of all ethnicities!

Was that a shot at me? I've been good.

You can't believe the
stuff I haven't said today.

Cam, what's up with your trip home?

Your parents aren't even there.

"Merry Christmas. Not Happy Holidays.

- From Galveston."
- Okay,

how are you snooping through my phone?!

[GASPS] You!

That was a false Boomerang?

Well... You know what?
Forget it. Forgiven.

I just want today to
be a special Christmas.

Now, please, everyone sit down.

We'll grab hands, say grace,
have a lovely meal.

Okay. Grab the person
to your left and right.

Dear Lord...

I knew you were still pissed
about that Ezravision thing.

- Claire, we are praying.
- Mm-hmm.

Thank you for this food...

You signed off on that whole deal,
buddy!

And I am not afraid
of disappointing you.

...and for our family as we
rise above petty grievances...

It's because novelty
dog beds are stupid.

Dogs don't care if they're
sleeping in a pineapple!

The Piña Colassie got
four woofs on Whelp!

That just makes you sound like some...

Please, Lord, help us not use terms

like "imbecile" or "senile old man."

This is the thanks I get for
getting you back into the workplace?

Nice line, Jay.

I could say the same thing to your wife.

I can't believe that you ratted me out.

I'm not afraid of you!

With... everyone else around.

Okay. That's enough.

I can't believe you all
couldn't hold it together

for one meal and not argue!

Cam, this is what we
always do on the holidays.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is that...

this could be our last
Christmas together.

- What?
- Last Christmas?

- Stop being so dramatic.
- What do you mean?

Oh, my God. You're dying?

[VOICE BREAKING] No, I'm not dying.
It's something else.

[BABY COOS]

Is he pausing to be dramatic?

What do you think?

[BABY BABBLES]

- Will you j...
- It all started last fall.

A scout came to one of my
games and liked what he saw,

and now I'm one of two finalists

for the head coaching position

at the University of
North Central Missouri.

- What?
- What do you mean?

Hey, that's a big deal.

Yeah, they're flying me out to, uh,

meet the athletic director,
and if all goes well...

I could start this spring.

W-Why didn't you just tell me?

'Cause I-I didn't want to stress you out

until it was... it was real.

PHIL: So... wait.

W-Would you guys really move?

Mitchell's not moving to Missouri.

What would he do for work?
Prosecute Otis, the town drunk?

Excuse me. It's not Mayberry.

And I'll have you know,
our town ne'er-do-well

is a female who's addicted to
prescription nasal spray, so...

Okay, and... and...
and just for the record, I...

I would go.

I mean, it's only fair.
Cam's been here forever.

- I don't like this.
- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

I know, you guys.

But this is an incredible
opportunity for him.

How could I say no?

[VOICE BREAKING] You guys can't go!

I don't want my babies
growing up without you.

They're never gonna believe my stories!

See, this is why I kept it a secret.

Here I was, worried
about you all ruining Christmas,

and... now I've done it.

I'm sorry, everyone.

You have no reason to be sorry.

Yes, I do. I break up families.

I'm Liz Taylor.

Why is it never a man?

For what it's worth, Uncle Cam,

my company has an office in New York,

and I said I'd be open to transferring,

so I could easily break up the family.

You... You never mentioned this to us.

Yeah, and I told NERP that I would be

open to working at the Paris office.

I mean, Dylan and I have
always wanted to live there.

- [SIGHS]
- PHIL: Wait.

Y-You'd take the babies to France?

We... We... We've talked about it.

Sorry. I get nervous when
you're all looking at me.

A-And I applied

to the Royal Academy of
Dramatic Arts in London.

I could end up there.

Yeah, that's a real possibility.

Listen, if everyone's taking off,

maybe we buy that house in Palm Springs,

spend a little more time there.

And that means next Christmas would be

me and Phil and some sad little ham?

Oh, wouldn't Joe go
with Grandpa and Gloria?

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry, sweetie.
I'm just drunk and upset.

This got sad.

- Right. Well, no... no one's leaving now.
- Yeah.

You know, so let's just enjoy
each other while we still can.

- Right?
- Yes. Help me with the salads, Mitch.

- Yes. Okay.
- Yes.

We'll be right back.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Hey.

Phil...

I took that interview
because I love you,

and I don't want to screw
up our relationship.

[WHISPERING] I don't want to
end up like Claire and Jay.

Please. You and I have been doing great.

Because I hold back.

I have strong opinions

that I don't tell you
because I want to get along.

Like what?

You can tell me anything.

Like that bus bench sign.

I think it's goofy.

If we have 20/20 vision,
why are we wearing glasses?

I get it.

I just wanted to bring a
little joy to our country

in this tumultuous time,
but you're not from here,

so maybe it doesn't
matter as much to you.

You see?

Yes.

Yes. I'm sensitive.

But I-I need this.

New ideas, someone...
someone to push up against me.

And honestly, I can't think of anyone

I'd rather have pushing
up against me than you.

Ay, Phil, it's been years.

I can't pretend I don't
hear those anymore.

Hear what?

[SIGHING] Yeah. You're right.

I did sign off on that whole...
Ezravision thing.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's not your fault.

[SIGHS] Well, I, uh...

I might be a little defensive
because I feel responsible.

And dog beds aren't...
they're not stupid.

People are happy when their
dogs are happy, right?

Well, I'm definitely saving lives,

but, I mean, they're not...
exactly flying off the shelf.

You were trying to bring
me aboard a sinking ship?

Well, I was bringing you aboard
to... to save it,

or even if you couldn't, I-I...

I just miss working together.

I feel it gave me a
second chance with you.

It did. It did, Dad.

And we're good now.

So, it's time for me to go
and prove myself on my own.

[JOE GIGGLES]

Look at this.

10 seconds ago, that was you.

[CHUCKLES]

I gotta make sure he and I
don't need a second chance.

Yeah. Well, watch out.

Pretty soon,
he's gonna be working for you.

You know, I don't know
if he has the head for it.

He pitched a dog bed the other
day in the shape of a cat.

I mean, who wants
to sleep in your enemy?

It would be like me
napping in Jon Voight.

[SCOFFS]

- I told you that story...
- Yeah. Yeah.

Look at that.
You got what you wanted for Christmas.

Yes, and can I just say,
everyone is exactly

where I put them in the first place?

[CHUCKLES]

♪

CAMERON: What is it about the
holidays that makes us so emotional?

[CHEERING]

Is it watching our kids grow up?

Who's gonna get it?

[CHEERING]

Is it how we put our
disagreements aside?

What if instead,
I am Cher, you are Sonny,

and it says "We've got you, babe"?

Gloria, I-I don't know how to say this,
but that is

the freshest damn idea
I have ever heard!

I love it!

Is it just being with people
you can't imagine life without?

Oh, look, sweetie.

It says that this Missouri
town has a lively art scene.

It says "ark scene."

They're preparing for
the Lord's next flood?

Oh.

Fun.

Or is it...

Enough! Can we just
take this picture already?

- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- Excuse me for wanting to cherish you all

as long as I can.

You don't even have the job yet.

Alright, the timer's set, everyone.
We have 15 seconds!

Let's go, everybody. Hurry up.

LUKE: Oh, my God.

Sherry broke up with me.

- [GASPS]
- PHIL: Oh.

After I texted her all those nice
things you told me to say to her.

Oh, yeah, that's right!

She hates it when guys move too fast.

Oh, well. Better to have loved and lost.

There's my Colombian boy!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Hey! I'm back!

MITCHELL: Hi!

So, have you heard
anything about the job yet?

No. No, not yet.

And I may not
for a couple months, but...

it's out of my control, and I'm just...

I'm letting go.

- _
- This is killing me!

Our whole future hangs in the balance,

and, these people... they don't care.

They don't care!

- _
- I'm better now.

Whatever happens, happens.

- _
- G-Give me my damn phone.

I'm gonna call the sadists,

and I'm gonna ask them why they hate me!

- _
- You know what? Screw them.

I love what we have.

Mwah!

Mwah!

[SIGHS] I'm so blessed.

- _
- [VOICE BREAKING] It's like, no matter what I do,

I'm always gonna have a B-plus life.

Never an A.

- And... happy New Year to you, too.
- [PEOPLE CHEERING ON TV]

- [HORN BLOWS, NOISEMAKER RATTLES]
- [SOBBING]