Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 10 - The Prescott - full transcript
Alex's company puts her up at a new luxury apartment building with a number of high-profile residents that the family is eager to take advantage of; Phil is on a mission to review the restaurant's famous sliders for his food blog.
This one's from me.
The ribboning isn't my best...
I have carpal tunnel.
My new company is putting
me up at The Prescott,
a luxury residence with full amenities.
I admit, this extravagant lifestyle
can make me a little uncomfortable.
Gentle, Marta!
Another candle. Thanks, everyone.
GLORIA: Alex, you should know
that a crook works at the
hair salon downstairs...
Adolfo of Venice.
Isn't he the colorist to the stars?
Thank you for asking even
though I know you know.
I hate him.
Adolfo of Venice is actually
Alan Carpman of Bakersfield.
We started as hairdressers together,
but he stole my hair dye formula.
For a family of generally lovely people,
we sure have a lot of rivals.
You know what, it's been fun,
but it's time to go.
You haven't even opened the
candle that Cam and I got you.
And don't we get a tour of the building?
This place has everything.
Um, an archery range, a shark tank, a...
a Westworld?
Sorry, I've got a huge project due.
We can always just explore on our own.
Actually, you can't.
There's a strict
"no unaccompanied guests" policy.
I violate that, they kick me out.
I'll have the valet fetch your cars.
Oh, you can do that from here?
Yeah, everything's automated.
You just need a resident ID code.
[KEYPAD BEEPING]
- [BEEPING STOPS]
- [INDISTINCT TALKING]
[BEEPING RESUMES]
- Bye, Phil.
- Bye.
All right, well, I parked on the street,
so I'll just meet you at home.
- Bye, Claire.
- I need to run to the mall.
Would you pick up some steaks from
the farmers market for tonight?
Oh, so you did remember it's date night.
I was a little worried after your
response to my Paperless Post.
Oh, come on.
You know my maybes always
turn into will attends.
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
Aww.
When was the last time that you and I
cooked a romantic dinner together?
We did it last week.
I'm not talking about sprinkling
hot dog slices on a DiGiorno's.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
You couldn't bring my car
before I got in trouble?
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Thank you.
[KEYPAD BEEPS, COMPUTER CHIRPS]
PHIL: I've been secretly moonlighting
as an online food blogger,
"Foodie in a Hoodie"...
it rhymes on the page.
I've quickly developed a huge following,
and The Prescott is home to
the city's hottest restaurant,
called Pardon.
Hello.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Ah, good day, sir.
Forgive me. I'm new here.
Still getting to know
each of the tenants.
I'm your concierge, Higgins.
You look so familiar. Have we met?
'Fraid not, no.
I do get that a lot, though.
I have an everyman face and body.
[WHIRRING]
[WHISPERING] They're rising.
Ah, yes, Finley.
Patrols the building for non-residents
using a motion sensor and face scanner.
Useful, yes, but does he have
that uniquely human ability
to anticipate a person's every need?
Coconut water?
I didn't even know I wanted this!
- Finley, away!
- [FINLEY BEEPS]
Anything else I can help you with, sir?
Uh... no.
I'm just headed down to the restaurant.
[FRENCH ACCENT] Pardon?
Your... in-house eatery.
Pardon?
You know...
uh, waiters, cutlery, daily specials.
I think it's called Pardon.
Of course. My mistake. It's all right.
Right this way.
Avoiding the security
robot would be tricky,
but Finley had a weakness...
he can only detect
people if they're moving.
And it was worth the risk...
Pardon claimed to have the
world's best beef slider,
and my... my followers
are dying for a review.
Well, all but one.
I have a troll.
Screen name "Close to Utlaw,"
wherever that is.
We recently got into a...
a heated comment war.
Insults were hurled, mothers disparaged.
Who knew the Internet
could be so negative?
Table for one. I live here.
Something just opened up.
Great, lead the way. I live here.
[KEYPAD BEEPS, COMPUTER CHIRPS]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS]
Hi. Uh, I'm new here.
Could you lead me to the screening room?
I should think so.
At the butler academy,
I led my class in leading.
This way.
Recently,
I got a special edition Blu-ray
of the best movie ever made,
"Lawrence of Arabia."
Word is, The Prescott has
a state-of-the-art screening
room with surround sound.
Know what it doesn't have?
Manny.
Hello! I would've gone
with a tracking shot there.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I sure hope he finds a plot
out there in that desert.
Behold, our famous candy wall.
Hey, Sugar Babies.
- Yes, honey buns?
- No, Sugar Babies.
The greatest movie candy of all time.
A thousand apologies.
I will track some down
for you straight away.
- You wouldn't mind?
- Mind? Please.
There is no greater joy
than fetching something
I've never heard of
for someone I've only just met.
May I help you with something?
Oh. Uh, no, I'm just...
I'm waiting for someone.
And his name is David Beckham.
Resident at The Prescott.
Okay, Mitchell hates it when I do this,
but every time I meet a celebrity,
I ask them to record
my outgoing message.
My current one is from when
I saw Snoop Dogg at a bank.
CAMERON: Sorry I missed you.
As you can see...
SNOOP DOGG: I'm busy!
And sometimes things can...
Get away from me!
Please leave a message,
including your phone number,
- just for...
- Security!
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Hey, sweetie, what's up?
I'm... I'm kind of busy.
MITCHELL: Cam, I'm hurt. It's my leg.
- What?
- I slipped in the food court,
and I'm all sticky and
tweens are laughing at me.
You have to come pick me up.
Well, that sounds awful, but... [SIGHS]
Isn't... Isn't Claire closer?
Well, you're at the farmers
market right down the street.
Okay, fine. I'm on my way.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
Aww, you're the best.
I was not gonna let Cam ruin my chance
to thank my wallpaper,
Victoria Beckham, one-on-one.
Okay, so, it was 1997.
I was in Detroit
for a Spice Girls concert
with my girlfriend.
I was going to propose to her,
had the ring in my
pocket and everything,
when from the stage,
Posh looked right at me and said,
[BRITISH ACCENT] "Be true to yourself,
Mitchell!"
[NORMAL VOICE] Okay, you know,
she might've said "Michigan,"
but she was looking right at me!
She inspired me to come out that night.
I had that diamond reset
as an anklet charm,
and I was off to the races. [CHUCKLES]
What kind of gym bag is that, anyway?
It's a satchel, you ignorant sneeze.
You have been so unpleasant lately.
On a definitely related note,
Manny hasn't gotten
any action in months.
Well, other than whatever
gave him carpal tunnel.
Luckily, The Prescott has an
'80s aerobi-cise class,
which will be full of
single older ladies.
Women hit a sweet spot right after 40
where they still look great
but their standards have lowered.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
You're in pretty good
shape for someone who's...
42? 43?
I'm 38.
Bye.
Higgins.
Oh, Mr. Beckham. Apologies.
Blind as a bat without these bad boys.
So, myself and Courteney are
expecting a bowling instructor.
Would you have him meet us downstairs
at the bowling alley, please?
You and Ms. Cox getting an edge
for this weekend's
celebrity bowl-a-thon?
Oh, we'll need it.
You should've seen the
way he bowled last year.
I mean,
it is to raise money for charity.
Yeah, a dollar for each of the
18 pins that you knocked down.
Thanks to you, Doctors Without Borders
are now Doctors Without Malaria Pills.
A bit harsh.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Did you see the two friends in the back?
The blond one liked me,
and the brunette kept staring at you.
Can you blame her?
No one moves to
"Caribbean Queen" like me.
Ah, just who I was told
to be on the lookout for.
A certain couple have asked that
you meet them in the bowling alley.
Was it a blonde and a brunette?
Indeed, and they seemed
eager to get rolling.
Bowling alley?
These girls are freaky.
Hair salon?
- Just off the courtyard to your right.
- Thank you.
I've always wanted to dye my hair dark.
But there's only one colorist
I would trust to do it...
Adolfo of Venice.
Gloria's sworn enemy.
I just have to sneak back in
and do it without her knowing.
- [BEEP, BEEP]
- Oh!
[BEEP, COMPUTER CHIRPS]
[FACETIME RINGING]
ALEX: Hi, Mom.
Hi, Alex. Hey, honey.
So, how's the project going?
I'm never gonna make this deadline.
Oh, yeah, no, that...
that... that's tough...
I'm sorry... sorry to hear that.
- Work is so stressful.
- [BEEP, COMPUTER CHIRPS]
- I'm glad you called, I'm actually...
- Yeah, got to go, love you! Bye!
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
The pool? Just hop on the elevator
and press the big button marked "pool."
I am known as the fearless
one of the family.
So, when Claire gave us all free passes
for the Fun Town Water Park next week,
I couldn't admit that
I am afraid of slides.
They go so fast,
I feel like I'm going to fly off.
I just need to try it once
and I am going to be fine.
I cannot do it!
Hey, no backsies!
[GROANS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Okay, here I go!
[SCREAMS]
You should have let me do backsies!
- [TABLET CHIMES]
- FEMALE VOICE: Resident ID access... hair salon.
What? Who's using my code?! [SCOFFS]
[BAD ITALIAN ACCENT] You
a-look like that a-actress...
Audrey Hepburn.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[LINE RINGING]
- This is Phil Dunphy. Leave a message.
- [BEEP]
Phil, I have a little
surprise for you later.
Let's just say I know how
much you love brunettes.
- Here's a menu for you.
- Thank you.
And for my followers...
an Instagram tease.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
Your Sugar Babies, sir.
I hope it wasn't too much trouble.
On the contrary.
There was a Mexican birthday celebration
taking place in the
park across the street.
I waited for the crack of the piñata,
mixed in seamlessly with the children,
and pounced.
- [GROANS]
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
He's here?!
Some moron food blogger took a shot
at one of my favorite spots.
So I go after him using my screen name,
"Closet Outlaw."
It escalates, and he turns his
army of followers against me.
As I wrote in my last comment...
"Let's see how well my
fist pairs with your face."
- [SIGHS]
- [TABLET CHIMES]
The bowling alley?!
[LAPTOP SLAMS]
Alex is here?!
If she sees us, she'll throw us out.
Excuse me.
If that blonde and brunette come by,
could you tell them
there's a new meet-up spot?
The hot tubs on the rooftop.
Of course, warm things up a bit
before your workout.
If there's nothing else,
I need to make sure
these balls are marked
with their correct weights.
[SCOFFS]
Hi. Size 10 for him
and anything with a steel toe for me.
Someone drops his ball a lot.
There has been a change of plan.
Your bowling instructor would
now like you to meet him
in the hot tubs for a warmup first.
- Meet you up there?
- Yep.
If you're calling the
charity for a new partner,
it's not gonna work.
They already made the posters.
- Ready to order?
- Very.
I came to this restaurant for
one thing and one thing only.
[FINLEY WHIRRING]
[SCANNER CLICKING]
And that thing is...?
Sorry. Uh, one of your world fa...
[WHIRRING, CLICKING]
One of our world's fattest
hot dogs coming up.
No! The... The slider.
And how would you like it?
- Me...
- [WHIRRING, CLICKING]
- Yes, you, sir.
- ...dium rare.
And can you have it delivered
to the pool, please?
- Of course.
- [WATCH CHIMES]
- Okay, that slider goes to the pool,
- [WATCH CHIMES]
and it looks like we need one
for Mr. Beckham to the roof.
You seen a guy in a black hoodie?
- Just left.
- Thanks.
Oh, I'll be back.
I'm dying to try one of your
world's fattest hot dogs.
[HORN HONKS]
[LINE RINGING]
[BREATHLESSLY] Hey,
you here at the mall?
No, not yet.
Why are you breathing so hard?
Oh, um, a bunch of kids
were vaping next to me,
and I had to army-crawl
into a-a candle store.
Yeah. Is there anything
you want while I'm here?
Can I tell you what I want,
what I really, really want?
You're watching me right now,
aren't you?
Oh... Cam, okay, look.
I was hoping I'd run into Posh
here at the gym
for a private moment, okay?
Look, we're both after the Beckhams.
Let's come up with a plan together...
Meet me at the swim-up bar.
There's a swim-up bar?!
I know, we should be living here
and Alex should be living
in our stupid house.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS]
JAY: Hey!
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Higgins, I need you!
Where are you?!
[GRUNTING]
A spot of bother, I see?
I can't do it!
Oh, of course you can.
I'll just crawl in front of you
so you can grab me around the waist.
I apologize in advance for any giggling.
I'm cursed with the tickle gene.
What's going on?
Someone's stuck on the slide.
She tried to climb back down, but...
- No backsies, I get it.
- Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh! That's for me.
Thank you.
- But it goes too fast!
- Oh, no, don't worry.
I shall vary the flex of my
buttocks to control our speed.
We should be... [LAUGHS]
No! [WHIMPERS]
My deepest apologies!
Oh, no!
Okay.
[SCREAMING]
Noooo!!
[LAUGHS]
That one's sorted.
[WATCH CHIMES]
I need some sparkling water
sent up to the hot tub cabanas.
Can't say for whom,
but let's include a glass of champagne
in case his posh wife joins him.
Easy.
- Easy.
- [CLICK, AIR WHIRRING]
Come on!
Higgins! Hey, hey.
Um, listen...
I need your help getting
my hands on the slider.
The slider?
Oh, of course.
Quite a looker, that one.
Well, that's the problem... so far,
I've only been able
to look and not taste.
Say no more. I shall find a way
to deliver the slider to you.
Great! Um, is there somewhere private
where I could enjoy the slider alone?
Might I suggest one of
our rooftop hot tubs
overlooking the city?
Perfect, I'll wait there.
And I'll... I'll need a bib...
I can make a mess.
[LETTUCE SNAPS]
Still crisp.
He's close.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS]
How'd I get back here?
♪
Ah, Posh.
Thank you.
Your husband has asked that you meet him
up in one of the rooftop
hot tubs for some champagne.
Phil.
♪
Hi.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[SIGHS]
Higgins! The slides aren't the enemy.
Fear is.
It's always a thrill to see
one of my residents grow.
By the way, a certain mystery man
has spotted you around the building
and has requested your
presence on the roof.
[GASPS]
Jay's finally doing something romantic!
Just when I thought he
was a clueless grouch.
♪
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
How many lobbies does this place have?!
Excuse me.
Where can I find a bathing suit?
Oh, there are complimentary
suits in all of the cabanas.
- Ooh.
- Worry not, I boil them myself nightly.
Ah.
Let's see a robot do that.
Hi, Higgins.
We have a bit of an unusual request.
Now, we know you need
to be discreet, but...
we are hoping to have a rendezvous
- with a certain distinguished Brit.
- Hmm?
Consider it arranged.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Still no sign of the ladies.
Maybe they're in a different cabana.
Mine's here.
Let's wait for the blonde.
I only know how to do
this with even numbers.
Hello, Mr. Robot!
Can you tell me where to go
for my romantic surprise?
Gloria?!
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Now mine's here, but yours is gone.
Now they're both gone!
They'll be back.
Maybe one of them had a nanny emergency.
Let's wait for them in there.
- Slider?
- Arriving shortly. Cabana 3.
Thank you.
[CURTAIN OPENS]
Here we are, then.
Higgins, what are you doing?!
Oh, role play.
[COCKNEY ACCENT] I know I
am but a lowly stable boy,
unwanted in the master's quarters,
but...
perhaps you'd like to teach me a lesson?
Just stay away from the face.
Uh, obviously there's been
some sort of misunderstanding.
Yeah, do we look like the kind of people
that would be into some
sort of weird role play
involving a stable boy?
I'm assuming he's been naughty
and would do anything to keep his job.
Cam... Cam?
In my defense,
I do get this request quite often.
Particularly around the holidays.
Actually, um...
we were hoping to meet a
certain celebrity couple.
- Yeah.
- Say no more.
I make no promises, but let me just
wriggle back into my shorts
and make some inquiries.
[WATER SPLASHING]
Ah, wonderful timing!
Please step into Cabana 3...
your mystery man awaits.
[GIGGLES]
[CURTAIN OPENS]
[SIGHS] Hi.
I know that you and I
aren't supposed to be here,
but after today,
I am tired of living a life of fear.
Was Gloria Claire's brunette surprise?
It all started when Claire gave
me a free pass to Fun Town.
I thought, just try it today.
Take a ride, see how it feels.
Oh. I never noticed
how sexy your feet are.
- Thank you, but this isn't happening, Gloria!
- [SCREAMS]
[CURTAIN OPENS]
Oh, there you are. Sorry
we missed you at the bowling alley.
She looked different with a headband on.
Warming up in a hot tub first...
Unconventional, but, hey,
anything to loosen up Becks.
Did we meet a Becky?
Maybe. There were so many of them.
So, how old is this Becks?
44.
It's on.
Oh, there you are.
Wait... you're Becks?
Yep, and I'm eager to learn.
A warning... my form is clumsy,
but I'm great on my feet.
[CURTAIN OPENS]
[SIGHS] Okay, who gets the dude?
This never happened.
Fine, I'll take him.
But we're just gonna hang
out and see where it goes.
Mmm!
Pardon the interruption.
It looks like you're
finished with the slider?
I am, and can I be honest?
I prefer bigger buns.
It's wonderful to just talk
like men sometimes, isn't it?
It is.
Jay, what are you doing here?
I've spent the whole day
looking for that miserable...
You're the Foodie in a Who-dy?!
W-Why would you say that?
[SNIFFS]
Ketchup!
I'm trying, but I'm lost!
You insulted my mother!
Oh, my God. You're Close to Utlaw?!
It's Closet Outlaw!
Jay, I don't blame you for being mad.
I-I turned my legions of
fans against you, and, uh...
It's Foodie in a Hoodie, by...
by the way.
But you got a bigger problem at
home that I just heard about,
and I think I can help you with it.
- Claire?
- Oh! Gloria.
I can't believe you recognized me.
I'm so sorry about my hair.
I'm so glad that we can
finally talk about it.
Grow it out, let yourself be a girl.
HIGGINS: Okay, final set of instructions
on a day that will no doubt
be a memorable chapter
in my forthcoming memoir, "You Rang?"
You, Cabana 2. You, Cabana 3.
- [GIGGLES]
- Oh.
[GASPS]
You are romantic.
Honey, if you don't like my hair,
I can change it.
What? I love it.
Maybe next week I can arrange
a little rendezvous with a redhead.
[CHUCKLES]
O-Okay.
I'm glad we cleared that up.
I can't wait for my
bowling lesson with you.
Oh, my God.
Foot-y in a Hoodie was here today.
Ah, you're great.
When does Posh get here?
And I apologize for being late.
You know, I-I left a message.
I'm sorry I missed your call.
- Can you say that one more time?
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
Um...
So, I got a few incidental
charges from yesterday.
$200 for Sugar Baby procurements.
- Sorry.
- Eight sliders and one coconut water?
He charged me for that?
$300 for a slide rescue.
$40 fine for the non-wiping
of stationary bike.
I barely sweat.
You're sweating right now.
A $150 fine for the
non-return of leg warmers.
And eight $100 Westworld entry fees?
[GASPS] Oh, my God. We left Cam there!
Oh, no!
The ribboning isn't my best...
I have carpal tunnel.
My new company is putting
me up at The Prescott,
a luxury residence with full amenities.
I admit, this extravagant lifestyle
can make me a little uncomfortable.
Gentle, Marta!
Another candle. Thanks, everyone.
GLORIA: Alex, you should know
that a crook works at the
hair salon downstairs...
Adolfo of Venice.
Isn't he the colorist to the stars?
Thank you for asking even
though I know you know.
I hate him.
Adolfo of Venice is actually
Alan Carpman of Bakersfield.
We started as hairdressers together,
but he stole my hair dye formula.
For a family of generally lovely people,
we sure have a lot of rivals.
You know what, it's been fun,
but it's time to go.
You haven't even opened the
candle that Cam and I got you.
And don't we get a tour of the building?
This place has everything.
Um, an archery range, a shark tank, a...
a Westworld?
Sorry, I've got a huge project due.
We can always just explore on our own.
Actually, you can't.
There's a strict
"no unaccompanied guests" policy.
I violate that, they kick me out.
I'll have the valet fetch your cars.
Oh, you can do that from here?
Yeah, everything's automated.
You just need a resident ID code.
[KEYPAD BEEPING]
- [BEEPING STOPS]
- [INDISTINCT TALKING]
[BEEPING RESUMES]
- Bye, Phil.
- Bye.
All right, well, I parked on the street,
so I'll just meet you at home.
- Bye, Claire.
- I need to run to the mall.
Would you pick up some steaks from
the farmers market for tonight?
Oh, so you did remember it's date night.
I was a little worried after your
response to my Paperless Post.
Oh, come on.
You know my maybes always
turn into will attends.
[CHUCKLING] Okay.
Aww.
When was the last time that you and I
cooked a romantic dinner together?
We did it last week.
I'm not talking about sprinkling
hot dog slices on a DiGiorno's.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
You couldn't bring my car
before I got in trouble?
[TIRES SQUEAL]
Thank you.
[KEYPAD BEEPS, COMPUTER CHIRPS]
PHIL: I've been secretly moonlighting
as an online food blogger,
"Foodie in a Hoodie"...
it rhymes on the page.
I've quickly developed a huge following,
and The Prescott is home to
the city's hottest restaurant,
called Pardon.
Hello.
[BRITISH ACCENT] Ah, good day, sir.
Forgive me. I'm new here.
Still getting to know
each of the tenants.
I'm your concierge, Higgins.
You look so familiar. Have we met?
'Fraid not, no.
I do get that a lot, though.
I have an everyman face and body.
[WHIRRING]
[WHISPERING] They're rising.
Ah, yes, Finley.
Patrols the building for non-residents
using a motion sensor and face scanner.
Useful, yes, but does he have
that uniquely human ability
to anticipate a person's every need?
Coconut water?
I didn't even know I wanted this!
- Finley, away!
- [FINLEY BEEPS]
Anything else I can help you with, sir?
Uh... no.
I'm just headed down to the restaurant.
[FRENCH ACCENT] Pardon?
Your... in-house eatery.
Pardon?
You know...
uh, waiters, cutlery, daily specials.
I think it's called Pardon.
Of course. My mistake. It's all right.
Right this way.
Avoiding the security
robot would be tricky,
but Finley had a weakness...
he can only detect
people if they're moving.
And it was worth the risk...
Pardon claimed to have the
world's best beef slider,
and my... my followers
are dying for a review.
Well, all but one.
I have a troll.
Screen name "Close to Utlaw,"
wherever that is.
We recently got into a...
a heated comment war.
Insults were hurled, mothers disparaged.
Who knew the Internet
could be so negative?
Table for one. I live here.
Something just opened up.
Great, lead the way. I live here.
[KEYPAD BEEPS, COMPUTER CHIRPS]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS]
Hi. Uh, I'm new here.
Could you lead me to the screening room?
I should think so.
At the butler academy,
I led my class in leading.
This way.
Recently,
I got a special edition Blu-ray
of the best movie ever made,
"Lawrence of Arabia."
Word is, The Prescott has
a state-of-the-art screening
room with surround sound.
Know what it doesn't have?
Manny.
Hello! I would've gone
with a tracking shot there.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I sure hope he finds a plot
out there in that desert.
Behold, our famous candy wall.
Hey, Sugar Babies.
- Yes, honey buns?
- No, Sugar Babies.
The greatest movie candy of all time.
A thousand apologies.
I will track some down
for you straight away.
- You wouldn't mind?
- Mind? Please.
There is no greater joy
than fetching something
I've never heard of
for someone I've only just met.
May I help you with something?
Oh. Uh, no, I'm just...
I'm waiting for someone.
And his name is David Beckham.
Resident at The Prescott.
Okay, Mitchell hates it when I do this,
but every time I meet a celebrity,
I ask them to record
my outgoing message.
My current one is from when
I saw Snoop Dogg at a bank.
CAMERON: Sorry I missed you.
As you can see...
SNOOP DOGG: I'm busy!
And sometimes things can...
Get away from me!
Please leave a message,
including your phone number,
- just for...
- Security!
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Hey, sweetie, what's up?
I'm... I'm kind of busy.
MITCHELL: Cam, I'm hurt. It's my leg.
- What?
- I slipped in the food court,
and I'm all sticky and
tweens are laughing at me.
You have to come pick me up.
Well, that sounds awful, but... [SIGHS]
Isn't... Isn't Claire closer?
Well, you're at the farmers
market right down the street.
Okay, fine. I'm on my way.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
Aww, you're the best.
I was not gonna let Cam ruin my chance
to thank my wallpaper,
Victoria Beckham, one-on-one.
Okay, so, it was 1997.
I was in Detroit
for a Spice Girls concert
with my girlfriend.
I was going to propose to her,
had the ring in my
pocket and everything,
when from the stage,
Posh looked right at me and said,
[BRITISH ACCENT] "Be true to yourself,
Mitchell!"
[NORMAL VOICE] Okay, you know,
she might've said "Michigan,"
but she was looking right at me!
She inspired me to come out that night.
I had that diamond reset
as an anklet charm,
and I was off to the races. [CHUCKLES]
What kind of gym bag is that, anyway?
It's a satchel, you ignorant sneeze.
You have been so unpleasant lately.
On a definitely related note,
Manny hasn't gotten
any action in months.
Well, other than whatever
gave him carpal tunnel.
Luckily, The Prescott has an
'80s aerobi-cise class,
which will be full of
single older ladies.
Women hit a sweet spot right after 40
where they still look great
but their standards have lowered.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
You're in pretty good
shape for someone who's...
42? 43?
I'm 38.
Bye.
Higgins.
Oh, Mr. Beckham. Apologies.
Blind as a bat without these bad boys.
So, myself and Courteney are
expecting a bowling instructor.
Would you have him meet us downstairs
at the bowling alley, please?
You and Ms. Cox getting an edge
for this weekend's
celebrity bowl-a-thon?
Oh, we'll need it.
You should've seen the
way he bowled last year.
I mean,
it is to raise money for charity.
Yeah, a dollar for each of the
18 pins that you knocked down.
Thanks to you, Doctors Without Borders
are now Doctors Without Malaria Pills.
A bit harsh.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Did you see the two friends in the back?
The blond one liked me,
and the brunette kept staring at you.
Can you blame her?
No one moves to
"Caribbean Queen" like me.
Ah, just who I was told
to be on the lookout for.
A certain couple have asked that
you meet them in the bowling alley.
Was it a blonde and a brunette?
Indeed, and they seemed
eager to get rolling.
Bowling alley?
These girls are freaky.
Hair salon?
- Just off the courtyard to your right.
- Thank you.
I've always wanted to dye my hair dark.
But there's only one colorist
I would trust to do it...
Adolfo of Venice.
Gloria's sworn enemy.
I just have to sneak back in
and do it without her knowing.
- [BEEP, BEEP]
- Oh!
[BEEP, COMPUTER CHIRPS]
[FACETIME RINGING]
ALEX: Hi, Mom.
Hi, Alex. Hey, honey.
So, how's the project going?
I'm never gonna make this deadline.
Oh, yeah, no, that...
that... that's tough...
I'm sorry... sorry to hear that.
- Work is so stressful.
- [BEEP, COMPUTER CHIRPS]
- I'm glad you called, I'm actually...
- Yeah, got to go, love you! Bye!
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
The pool? Just hop on the elevator
and press the big button marked "pool."
I am known as the fearless
one of the family.
So, when Claire gave us all free passes
for the Fun Town Water Park next week,
I couldn't admit that
I am afraid of slides.
They go so fast,
I feel like I'm going to fly off.
I just need to try it once
and I am going to be fine.
I cannot do it!
Hey, no backsies!
[GROANS]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Okay, here I go!
[SCREAMS]
You should have let me do backsies!
- [TABLET CHIMES]
- FEMALE VOICE: Resident ID access... hair salon.
What? Who's using my code?! [SCOFFS]
[BAD ITALIAN ACCENT] You
a-look like that a-actress...
Audrey Hepburn.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[LINE RINGING]
- This is Phil Dunphy. Leave a message.
- [BEEP]
Phil, I have a little
surprise for you later.
Let's just say I know how
much you love brunettes.
- Here's a menu for you.
- Thank you.
And for my followers...
an Instagram tease.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
Your Sugar Babies, sir.
I hope it wasn't too much trouble.
On the contrary.
There was a Mexican birthday celebration
taking place in the
park across the street.
I waited for the crack of the piñata,
mixed in seamlessly with the children,
and pounced.
- [GROANS]
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
He's here?!
Some moron food blogger took a shot
at one of my favorite spots.
So I go after him using my screen name,
"Closet Outlaw."
It escalates, and he turns his
army of followers against me.
As I wrote in my last comment...
"Let's see how well my
fist pairs with your face."
- [SIGHS]
- [TABLET CHIMES]
The bowling alley?!
[LAPTOP SLAMS]
Alex is here?!
If she sees us, she'll throw us out.
Excuse me.
If that blonde and brunette come by,
could you tell them
there's a new meet-up spot?
The hot tubs on the rooftop.
Of course, warm things up a bit
before your workout.
If there's nothing else,
I need to make sure
these balls are marked
with their correct weights.
[SCOFFS]
Hi. Size 10 for him
and anything with a steel toe for me.
Someone drops his ball a lot.
There has been a change of plan.
Your bowling instructor would
now like you to meet him
in the hot tubs for a warmup first.
- Meet you up there?
- Yep.
If you're calling the
charity for a new partner,
it's not gonna work.
They already made the posters.
- Ready to order?
- Very.
I came to this restaurant for
one thing and one thing only.
[FINLEY WHIRRING]
[SCANNER CLICKING]
And that thing is...?
Sorry. Uh, one of your world fa...
[WHIRRING, CLICKING]
One of our world's fattest
hot dogs coming up.
No! The... The slider.
And how would you like it?
- Me...
- [WHIRRING, CLICKING]
- Yes, you, sir.
- ...dium rare.
And can you have it delivered
to the pool, please?
- Of course.
- [WATCH CHIMES]
- Okay, that slider goes to the pool,
- [WATCH CHIMES]
and it looks like we need one
for Mr. Beckham to the roof.
You seen a guy in a black hoodie?
- Just left.
- Thanks.
Oh, I'll be back.
I'm dying to try one of your
world's fattest hot dogs.
[HORN HONKS]
[LINE RINGING]
[BREATHLESSLY] Hey,
you here at the mall?
No, not yet.
Why are you breathing so hard?
Oh, um, a bunch of kids
were vaping next to me,
and I had to army-crawl
into a-a candle store.
Yeah. Is there anything
you want while I'm here?
Can I tell you what I want,
what I really, really want?
You're watching me right now,
aren't you?
Oh... Cam, okay, look.
I was hoping I'd run into Posh
here at the gym
for a private moment, okay?
Look, we're both after the Beckhams.
Let's come up with a plan together...
Meet me at the swim-up bar.
There's a swim-up bar?!
I know, we should be living here
and Alex should be living
in our stupid house.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS]
JAY: Hey!
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Higgins, I need you!
Where are you?!
[GRUNTING]
A spot of bother, I see?
I can't do it!
Oh, of course you can.
I'll just crawl in front of you
so you can grab me around the waist.
I apologize in advance for any giggling.
I'm cursed with the tickle gene.
What's going on?
Someone's stuck on the slide.
She tried to climb back down, but...
- No backsies, I get it.
- Yeah.
Oh, oh, oh! That's for me.
Thank you.
- But it goes too fast!
- Oh, no, don't worry.
I shall vary the flex of my
buttocks to control our speed.
We should be... [LAUGHS]
No! [WHIMPERS]
My deepest apologies!
Oh, no!
Okay.
[SCREAMING]
Noooo!!
[LAUGHS]
That one's sorted.
[WATCH CHIMES]
I need some sparkling water
sent up to the hot tub cabanas.
Can't say for whom,
but let's include a glass of champagne
in case his posh wife joins him.
Easy.
- Easy.
- [CLICK, AIR WHIRRING]
Come on!
Higgins! Hey, hey.
Um, listen...
I need your help getting
my hands on the slider.
The slider?
Oh, of course.
Quite a looker, that one.
Well, that's the problem... so far,
I've only been able
to look and not taste.
Say no more. I shall find a way
to deliver the slider to you.
Great! Um, is there somewhere private
where I could enjoy the slider alone?
Might I suggest one of
our rooftop hot tubs
overlooking the city?
Perfect, I'll wait there.
And I'll... I'll need a bib...
I can make a mess.
[LETTUCE SNAPS]
Still crisp.
He's close.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYS]
How'd I get back here?
♪
Ah, Posh.
Thank you.
Your husband has asked that you meet him
up in one of the rooftop
hot tubs for some champagne.
Phil.
♪
Hi.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[SIGHS]
Higgins! The slides aren't the enemy.
Fear is.
It's always a thrill to see
one of my residents grow.
By the way, a certain mystery man
has spotted you around the building
and has requested your
presence on the roof.
[GASPS]
Jay's finally doing something romantic!
Just when I thought he
was a clueless grouch.
♪
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
How many lobbies does this place have?!
Excuse me.
Where can I find a bathing suit?
Oh, there are complimentary
suits in all of the cabanas.
- Ooh.
- Worry not, I boil them myself nightly.
Ah.
Let's see a robot do that.
Hi, Higgins.
We have a bit of an unusual request.
Now, we know you need
to be discreet, but...
we are hoping to have a rendezvous
- with a certain distinguished Brit.
- Hmm?
Consider it arranged.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Still no sign of the ladies.
Maybe they're in a different cabana.
Mine's here.
Let's wait for the blonde.
I only know how to do
this with even numbers.
Hello, Mr. Robot!
Can you tell me where to go
for my romantic surprise?
Gloria?!
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Now mine's here, but yours is gone.
Now they're both gone!
They'll be back.
Maybe one of them had a nanny emergency.
Let's wait for them in there.
- Slider?
- Arriving shortly. Cabana 3.
Thank you.
[CURTAIN OPENS]
Here we are, then.
Higgins, what are you doing?!
Oh, role play.
[COCKNEY ACCENT] I know I
am but a lowly stable boy,
unwanted in the master's quarters,
but...
perhaps you'd like to teach me a lesson?
Just stay away from the face.
Uh, obviously there's been
some sort of misunderstanding.
Yeah, do we look like the kind of people
that would be into some
sort of weird role play
involving a stable boy?
I'm assuming he's been naughty
and would do anything to keep his job.
Cam... Cam?
In my defense,
I do get this request quite often.
Particularly around the holidays.
Actually, um...
we were hoping to meet a
certain celebrity couple.
- Yeah.
- Say no more.
I make no promises, but let me just
wriggle back into my shorts
and make some inquiries.
[WATER SPLASHING]
Ah, wonderful timing!
Please step into Cabana 3...
your mystery man awaits.
[GIGGLES]
[CURTAIN OPENS]
[SIGHS] Hi.
I know that you and I
aren't supposed to be here,
but after today,
I am tired of living a life of fear.
Was Gloria Claire's brunette surprise?
It all started when Claire gave
me a free pass to Fun Town.
I thought, just try it today.
Take a ride, see how it feels.
Oh. I never noticed
how sexy your feet are.
- Thank you, but this isn't happening, Gloria!
- [SCREAMS]
[CURTAIN OPENS]
Oh, there you are. Sorry
we missed you at the bowling alley.
She looked different with a headband on.
Warming up in a hot tub first...
Unconventional, but, hey,
anything to loosen up Becks.
Did we meet a Becky?
Maybe. There were so many of them.
So, how old is this Becks?
44.
It's on.
Oh, there you are.
Wait... you're Becks?
Yep, and I'm eager to learn.
A warning... my form is clumsy,
but I'm great on my feet.
[CURTAIN OPENS]
[SIGHS] Okay, who gets the dude?
This never happened.
Fine, I'll take him.
But we're just gonna hang
out and see where it goes.
Mmm!
Pardon the interruption.
It looks like you're
finished with the slider?
I am, and can I be honest?
I prefer bigger buns.
It's wonderful to just talk
like men sometimes, isn't it?
It is.
Jay, what are you doing here?
I've spent the whole day
looking for that miserable...
You're the Foodie in a Who-dy?!
W-Why would you say that?
[SNIFFS]
Ketchup!
I'm trying, but I'm lost!
You insulted my mother!
Oh, my God. You're Close to Utlaw?!
It's Closet Outlaw!
Jay, I don't blame you for being mad.
I-I turned my legions of
fans against you, and, uh...
It's Foodie in a Hoodie, by...
by the way.
But you got a bigger problem at
home that I just heard about,
and I think I can help you with it.
- Claire?
- Oh! Gloria.
I can't believe you recognized me.
I'm so sorry about my hair.
I'm so glad that we can
finally talk about it.
Grow it out, let yourself be a girl.
HIGGINS: Okay, final set of instructions
on a day that will no doubt
be a memorable chapter
in my forthcoming memoir, "You Rang?"
You, Cabana 2. You, Cabana 3.
- [GIGGLES]
- Oh.
[GASPS]
You are romantic.
Honey, if you don't like my hair,
I can change it.
What? I love it.
Maybe next week I can arrange
a little rendezvous with a redhead.
[CHUCKLES]
O-Okay.
I'm glad we cleared that up.
I can't wait for my
bowling lesson with you.
Oh, my God.
Foot-y in a Hoodie was here today.
Ah, you're great.
When does Posh get here?
And I apologize for being late.
You know, I-I left a message.
I'm sorry I missed your call.
- Can you say that one more time?
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
Um...
So, I got a few incidental
charges from yesterday.
$200 for Sugar Baby procurements.
- Sorry.
- Eight sliders and one coconut water?
He charged me for that?
$300 for a slide rescue.
$40 fine for the non-wiping
of stationary bike.
I barely sweat.
You're sweating right now.
A $150 fine for the
non-return of leg warmers.
And eight $100 Westworld entry fees?
[GASPS] Oh, my God. We left Cam there!
Oh, no!