Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 8 - Tree's a Crowd - full transcript

Honey, what are you doing?

I just saw this incredible
telekinesis video.

I'm trying to make a
piece of bacon levitate.

Don't you have to, I don't know, work?

Are you saying it'll never happen?

Is there perhaps a more colorful way
of saying that?

I know you're trying to get me to say

"It'll happen when pigs fly."

That counts.

What?

Oh, my gosh!



Good morning, Earth mates.

Morning, Farr... Ahh-ha.

Oh, my lower back is killing me.

Has anyone seen my healing crystal?

Mm, that may be the only thing of yours

we haven't seen.

Dylan's mom, Farrah,
came to see the babies,

and then she found out
that her polyamorous quad

was downgraded to a triad.

Now we're stuck with her.

Polyamory. Can you imagine?

No.

She needs to go.

♪ Oh-ohhhh ♪



Farrah! Farrah!

- Ohhhhh!
- Farrah!

Do you have to do that right here?

Oh, I am so sorry.

I didn't realize you wanted it

to keep flooding in the Philippines.

I don't want it to keep flooding

in the Philippines, Claire.

It's okay.

- I'll just go in the other room.
- Great.

Ugh.

It's Jerry. I can't.

It's gonna be 45 minutes
about how much he misses Mom

and then some overshare
about their sex life.

Claire, he's family.

Jerry.

How are you?

Yeah.

No, I know. We miss her, too.

The babies are great.

Yeah, constantly exploring,

- always sticking their fingers in everything.
- Hmm.

Oh, whoa, yeah, what a...

what a fun image of
my late mother-in-law.

Really? Let me just...
Let me just check to see

if we're gonna be around.

Jerry is following
the butterfly migration to Mexico

and wants to stop by tomorrow to say hi.

No way. Make up an excuse.

I'm a terrible liar.

Tough.

The last thing we need around here

is another hippie kook.

Oh, it finally happened.

I'm my father.

Oh, my goddesses, there you are.

Oh, Claire, would you be comfortable

rubbing this just above my buttocks

while I offer up a Tibetan pain chant?

Doesn't sound like me.

But I might know someone
who could help you out.

Oh.

Honestly, Jerry, it's that, uh...

Claire and I have...
have hit a rough patch.

She's been huffing...
cans of whipped cream.

I mean...

Help me.

Underneath our bed

looks like backstage at
a pie-eating contest.

- Invite him here.
- What?

Just get him here as fast as you can.
Come on.

Uh, actually, Jerry, everything's fine.

Claire just agreed to seek help.

See you tomorrow.

What the hell was that?

Jerry's lonely, Farrah's lonely,

they both glom onto us.

We set them up,
they'll glom onto each other,

and then she can bang his drum.

My beautiful genius.

Oop, sorry. Hold on.

Oooh.

- Ooooh.
- Now I just have to find someone to set you up with.

Oh, breaking out the good stuff, huh?

Well, you know what?

We're finally close friends
with a lesbian couple,

and... and I...
I want them to feel as special to us

as if they were real gays.

Cam, they're just as gay as we are.

Okay, hold on. One moment.

- Bink!
- Okay, well, as I am.

Okay.

- Hi.
- Oh, my gosh.

You guys are such a cute family.

Oh, gosh, that picture.

That was taken at an amusement park.

That's not the real Bigfoot.

"Real Bigfoot,"

- Oh, my God. You're so funny.
- Yeah. Sure. Okay.

Let's go with "he was making a joke."

So, you guys, speaking of families...

We're thinking of
starting one of our own.

- Amazing.
- Congratulations.

Oh, how are you gonna do it?
What's the plan?

Actually, we wanted to ask
you something about that.

Eh, there comes a point
in every gay man's life

when a lesbian couple
asks him for his sperm.

- Unless you're Mitchell and me.
- Yeah.

All of our friends have been asked,

while we have been cruelly overlooked.

It's painful.

It's like not getting
picked to play kickball.

Well, that never happened to me.

I was my kickball team's captain.

Well, only after our star

broke his leg and had to be put down.

- He was a...
- A mule.

From a mile away.

Go ahead. Ask us anything.

Well, you know
we think the world of you guys.

- Yes?
- And we, you.

First of all,

would you judge us if we didn't adopt?

Is that selfish?

- Um, no.
- No.

Oh, that's such a relief.

Now, the next step

is finding someone who can...

- Donate?
- Yes.

You know, we don't want anyone involved

financially or otherwise,

so we were just thinking
of going to the sperm bank.

That's a good option,

but make sure the janitors are handsome,

because, you know,
they have the keys to everything.

Well, we also thought
about asking my brother.

Oh, you don't want to go down that road.

It's too complicated.

"My daddy, my uncle,
my daddy, my uncle."

It's "Chinatown."

Yeah, you want someone that...

you know, with a little distance,

that you know and... and trust.

Who's attractive and healthy.

And who hasn't had mental
illness in their family

in at least a generation and a half.

Well, that's the dream.

- Well, dreams can come true.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. Thank you, guys.

No, thank you.

- If you think of someone, will you let us know?
- Yeah.

- Lesbians.
- Lesbians.

- Here's your cappuccino.
- Ah.

None for me.

I don't need to be sharp to
experience the empty void

that is life without Sherry Shaker.

What are these little
drawings in the milk?

That's me staring out a window.

I made the stars with my tears.

Ay, papi, if you can survive
me driving three blocks

with you on the roof of my car,

you can survive this.

When did that happen?

It wasn't gonna work
out with Sherry anyway.

She's Canadian.

They have ducks on their money.

They sell milk in a bag.

I'll be in my room if anyone needs me.

Who am I kidding? No one needs me.

Ay, papi, these things
have a way of working out.

I promise.

You promise?

What did you do?

I called in a favor.

Luke!

Again? I thought we were even.

I need you to do something for Manny.

It'll mean the world to him.

Okay, I guess.

I want you to go to
Sherry's improv show,

talk him up to her.

I want her to regret
breaking up with him.

No. Not that.

Anything but improv.

Improv is no different
than getting waterboarded.

Just stay calm,
go to a pleasant place in your mind,

and remember that you're
not actually dying.

Fine. I'll do it.

Good boy.

Go back to sleep.

Why'd you bring a crowbar?

No reason.

Gloria, we should not be involved.

You know what my dad always said to me

every time I was down?

Nothing.

I learned to figure
everything out on my own.

This is your least attractive quality.

Where is your empathy?

I have empathy.

That's the one where you
care about people, right?

You don't go out of your way for anyone.

Yes, I do.

You remember that little
valet at the club?

If I hadn't got him fired,

he'd still be moving
everybody's seats up.

Okay, here we go.

Some apricot jam from
an old family recipe.

Not that you would be interested

in any of my family recipes.

Is everything okay?

- Uh... Uh...
- Why don't you want us to be your donor?

- Oh.
- Uh... D... It's okay. Just say it.

- You're put off by my red hair.
- Or is it his freckles?

- Or my tendency to burn.
- Or is it his...

- Can this one please be about you?
- Yeah, yeah.

Wait, are you saying that
you would donate for us?

Honestly, we would love that,

but we were afraid to
put you on the spot,

and we didn't think you'd say yes.

- Oh... Well, of... of course we'd say yes!
- We adore you!

- Oh!
- Molly, I think we just found our daddy.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Okay, so, which one of us do you want?

I don't know.
We haven't even had a chance

- to think about it.
- Yeah.

Well, would it be helpful
if we, you know, walked around

so you could take us in
from shoulder to shank?

It's not the county fair.

Alright, well,
maybe we'll just go outside

and, I don't know, kick something?

Or... Or we could do a puzzle?

Or we could spell Connecticut?

Why don't you guys just decide?

We're... We're happy either way.

Shouldn't be a problem.

Oh, good, you're both here.

Listen, I was thinking about yesterday,

how upset you are,

and how you say I don't care
about people's feelings,

so check this out.

Brandi, get in here.

I'm not done with my cigarette!

What did you do?

I was trying to figure a way

how to help Manny to move on,

and all of a sudden,
I met this little angel.

- Brandi?
- Hold on!

The best part's right at the filter!

You're gonna love her.
She runs towels at the car wash.

- Why did you encourage this?
- N...

Hey, now, why settle for Sherry

when you can have a little Brandi?

I'll admit, that's good.

Holy [BLEEP]

This house!

So, this is how come you
can afford the lava wax.

Brandi, this is my wife, Gloria,

and this stud is my son, Manny.

Brandi, I'm sure you're very nice,

but I'm dealing with
losing the love of my life,

and I just need some time.

I know what you're going through, honey.

My man saw "Free Solo"

and tried to scale the local bank.

He died doing what he loved...

daring the cops to shoot him.

Jay, should I scream at you here,

or should we do it in the kitchen?

I could go for a little snack.

Uh, listen,
you guys get to know each other.

Manny, offer her a drink at the bar.

You got anything with cinnamon?

I'm not particular.

What were you thinking
bringing a girl like that here?

What are you talking about?

Brandi's a ton of fun.

Oh, sure, maybe
you don't bring her home to Mom.

That's literally what you did.

I hope that that's her parole officer.

Ah, Luke!

What a surprise!

How did your talk with Sherry go?

Not well.

What do you mean?

Did you mention to her
that Manny was retweeted

by one of the Property Brothers?

Yeah, I brought that up.

And what did she say?

Uh, does she miss him?

Will she take him back?

- I don't think so.
- Why not?

Well, we kind of... kissed.

What?

Well, the Brandi plan's

looking pretty good right now, huh?

Hello, family.

Oh. Hi, Jerry. Welcome.

- How are you?
- Sorry.

I would've knocked,
but you know I abhor violence.

Hey.

Oh sorry,

I was grinding polenta for our lunch.

My arm's kinda tender.

Polenta elbow is a real thing.

Marianne Williamson
was the only candidate

with the guts to talk about it.

So, Jer, how you doing?

I'm hanging in there.

Very happy to see you both.

But the truth is, Claire, in this light,

you're reminding me so
much of your mother.

- Well, it's the hair.
- Same neck.

Oh, you must be Jerry.

I'm Dylan's mom, Farrah.

How wonderful to meet you.

Full disclosure... I'm a hugger.

I'm sorry,
I'm not very comfortable with that,

because I'm a kisser.

Oh, what a lovely necklace.

Well, thank you.

It was made from the wreckage
of a Japanese whaling ship.

How can the same people
that gave us the haiku

want to hunt such a graceful creature?

Uh, well, I can guarantee

that absolutely no
vegetables were harmed

in the making of this salad.

Actually, Claire,
it's been proven that plants feel pain.

Yes, they scream when you
rip them from the ground.

Oh, um, then you're gonna hate

what happened to these grapes.

That's okay. They're drunk.

Oh. Well, it is such a nice day outside.

Why don't the two of you

enjoy your wine in the backyard

while we finish setting up in here?

What a lovely idea.

Oh, Farrah, did you know

that Jerry is following
the butterfly migration?

All the way to Méjico?

I'm gonna spend the winter and spring

hammock camping in the
Sierra Chincua sanctuary.

That is one of my favorite
places on this Earth.

- Oh, you've been there?
- Not in ages,

but I would love to visit in this life.

Oh...

This is going so much better
than we even hoped!

It's so weird. Jerry has such a type.

I mean, Farrah and my mom are the...

My mom. She's in the backyard.

Ohhhh, right.

Oh, God.

Um, I don't know what happened.

It's Dede. How did she get here?

I thought she was at Mitchell's house.

I don't understand.

My mom's ashes are fused
to the roots of the tree.

Of course.

Dede, I never would have
flirted with another woman

in front of you.

Unless it was that kind of weekend,

like that time in Taos.

- Ew.
- Dede needs me.

I shouldn't go anywhere.

But... But what...
But what about the butterflies

and Méjico?

Claire, I can feel it.

Your mother is in pain right now.

Are...
Are we absolutely sure it's the tree?

Because I do have an eggplant parmesan

under the broiler.

I don't mean to overreact,

but I think the situation may call for

some throat singing.

Alright. Mitch. Cam.

- Okay, I'll go first.
- Okay.

- I'm tall.
- Tall.

I'm strong,
and I have a Matt Damon nose.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Mitchell, quick... me or Matt Damon?

- Uh...
- Don't think, just answer.

- Uh... Okay, I'll give you that one.
- Yeah.

Um, alright, now me. Um...

♪ Aaah ♪ Perfect pitch.

Well, what this baby needs is rhythm.

And I've never had a cavity.

I-I have good penmanship.

Well, I had an aunt that lived to 110,

and she smoked a pipe every day.

- I'm responsible.
- I'm nurturing.

Uh... Okay. I'm nurturing, too.

When Lily was a baby,
I sang her to sleep every night,

with perfect pitch.

♪ Aaah ♪

Well, I used to look at her

through the window every morning

when I would drop her off at school,

until the security
guard took my picture.

Okay, uh... you know what?

You... You be the donor.

I don't think that I can
have a kid in the world

and not be a part of their life.

Oh, Mitchell,
I don't think I can, either.

It would kill me to have a
little button-nose beauty

out there kicking up a storm

as the first female punter
or the first male Rockette.

We begged them.
We're gonna look like such flakes.

- They're gonna be heartbroken.
- How do we tell them?

We're just gonna have
to be completely honest.

We could tell them the
microwave's been on the fritz

and we're both sterile.

Great. That. Yeah.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Hi. It's us.

Hey. What a surprise.

Uh... Uh, honey? Mitch and Cam are here!

- Listen, we're sorry for dropping in like this.
- Mm-hmm.

- Uh, but there's something we need to tell you.
- Yeah.

- What's up?
- Hi.

Okay, there...
there's no easy way to say this.

Um... we're just not
comfortable donating sperm.

And... And... You know, listen,

we were so flattered.

But I think we just got
caught up in the moment.

Oh, we get it.

Yeah. No problem.

- Oh, really?
- It's totally fine.

Thank you so much for letting us know.

- Okay.
- You guys are the best.

- Oh. Oh, yeah.
- Mwah.

- Okay.
- Hey, have a good one.

- Sure.
- Bye. Bye.

Wow, I-I can't believe
how well that went.

Yeah, I know.
I feel... I feel so much better.

That was... so easy.

Yeah. Yeah, like, really easy.

Wait, was it too easy?

I got this.

- Hi. It's us again.
- Yeah.

Listen, um... what just happened?

Because we just cratered
your entire family planning,

and all we get is a "Have a good one"?

You don't seem too broken up about it.

Uh... No, no, we're super-sad.

We're just lesbians.

- Oh. Oh, of course.
- Okay. That's on us.

- That is on...
- Okay.

Who's that?

- Campbell.
- No, it's not.

You're the one with the masculine laugh.

Yeah, and I'm... I'm suddenly aware

that we've been talking
outside for a long time.

Do... Do you mind if we come in?

Yeah, no, not at all, Mitch and Cam!

Come on into the house!

Hey... Hey, Campbell!

Hi! Who's... Who... Who's your hunk?

Hi. I'm Nathan.

Nathan.

Hello, Nathan. What is...

Champagne. What? Were you celebrating?

With a man in possession of
some pretty remarkable genetics.

Oh, I get it. That's why you let us
off the hook so easy.

You were gonna replace us.

Okay, we're sorry.

Yes, he's gonna donate.

We did not plan this. We just met.

- You just met?!
- Just met?

- Where? How?
- How? When? How?

He was our L-Lyft driver.

Man, his car was really clean,

he made excellent conversation.

And I mean, look at him.

You guys get it, right?

That should be making babies.

Look, at least we can tell our
friends that we were asked.

Yeah, and you know what?

Hey, second place isn't bad.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Ooh, do you mind?

Can we get a-a picture with you

just to show all of our friends
what it took to beat us out?

- Sure.
- Sorry. Thanks.

- Okay.
- Would it help if I took off my shirt?

- Oh, probably, yeah.
- In so many ways.

- Yes, it would.
- Here.

- There is it. Okay.
- There...

Wow. There... it is.

Okay.

Why would you kiss Sherry?

I didn't mean for it to happen.

I'm not surprised.

I've seen you make out
with a Mr. Potato Head.

It was a Mrs. Potato Head.

She had the bow and the girl lips.

I couldn't talk to
Sherry before the show,

so I had to sit through it.

The first sketch was so bad,
I tried to bail,

but they locked the doors.

Then she walked on the stage...

or should I say,

the first octopus
President walked on stage.

Look. She's signing eight bills at once.

And I'll never run out of ink.

Her performance was a Tour de France.

She was like a hot,
girl version of my dad.

Afterwards, we kept talking, and...
it just happened.

I'm really sorry,

but I think I may have
real feelings for her.

Listen to me, you're never
going to see Sherry ever again.

I have to tell Manny the truth.

Don't you dare.

Tell me what?

Manny, I'm sorry, but...
I kissed Sherry.

I feel terrible about it.

Are you okay?

I will be.

After I kick your ass!

- Come on!
- Oh, hell yeah!

Hold on, hold on!

Manny, violence is never the answer.

- Kid, you don't know what you're doing.
- Uh, yes, I do.

I got a "satisfactory"
in Beginning Stage Combat.

And action!

- Come here, Luke. Luke!
- No, easy, easy.

- Hey!
- Whoa!

Whoa! Easy!

- Easy!
- How could you?!

- Of all the women! Come on, Luke!
- No! No! No! No!

- Ah!
- No!

Enough.

Now, listen,
I'm sorry that you're hurting so badly,

and I'm sorry that my plan
to help you move on was a disaster.

But you're a good guy with a big heart,

and you're gonna find the right person,

I promise you.

And you... it was big of you

to want to tell Manny
the truth to his face.

- Thanks.
- But you crossed a line.

You put yourself in
front of your family,

and you hurt a guy who
loves you like a brother.

You disappointed the hell out of me.

I'm gonna ask you to leave.

I'm sorry, Manny.

Sorry, papi.

I think I need to be alone for a while.

I understand.

Just remember, Manny,

I'm there for you whenever
there's a rainy day.

'Cause we don't work those, so...

You keep your chin up, kid.

It's gonna work out okay.

I know.

Thanks, Jay.

I'm so sorry that I told you

that you didn't care about other people.

I care about other people.

I'm really very sensitive.

That's great.

So, maybe tomorrow, you can take Joe

to that little boy's princess party.

Little boy's princess party?

Eh... I think it's nice
that he has the freedom

to express himself that way.

Pretty good, huh?

They want the parents
to go dress up, too.

Okay, I'm out.

45 minutes of sitar, and nothing.

She can't be reasoned with.

That's so Dede.

She's clearly still upset with us.

Well, she does hold a grudge.

Phil.

Claire, could you try and
reason with your mother?

What... Okay, Jerry, is it possible

that you are projecting
your guilt about moving on?

Because that's not my mom over there.

I don't mean to seem indelicate,

but you sound a little crazy right now.

Please, talk to the tree.

Okay, um...

Hey, uh, Mom?

So, uh... Jerry wants
to go to Mexico for a year...

- Four months!
- Worth a shot.

And he's lonely,

so he wants to take his new friend.

What?

Wh... You're...

Really? You're okay with it?

She says "Have fun."

How did she sound?
Did she seem passive-aggressive?

Yeah, maybe you should
double-check, Claire.

Great. Thank you, Phil.

Mom, after missing you a lot

and talking about very little else,

um, Jerry finally met someone.

It's... It's actually
Dylan's Mom, Farrah,

and he wants to take her to Mexico.

She's listening. Keep going.

Um... Jerry is worried
that this would upset you,

but I told him that you
want him to be happy

and to move on, right?

Please move, please move.

Dede, does the rustling mean "Yes"?

Thank you, Dede.

I will always love you.

I need some water.

- And let's go rescue that eggplant.
- Yes.

That was crazy!

- Did you see that?
- Hold on.

Your... Your mom wants to say something.

- What?
- "Hey, Claire Bear.

"Maybe you should appreciate
Phil's magic more,

especially since he just
solved your problem."

I can't believe it. You're a genius.

Mm. Thank you.

You're welcome. They don't call me
Filament Dunphy for nothing.

That is cute, but you are still
selling houses, right?

Oh, shoot,
I have a showing in 20 minutes.

Oh!

Love you.

Oh, I guess I should be
watering you more, huh?

I've been busy.

You're not even here,

and I feel like you're judging me.

Fine. I haven't been busy.

I miss you.

It's probably why I
didn't want to see Jerry.

He reminds me so much of you.

It's also why Farrah drives me nuts.

If I'm gonna have a kook in my house,

I'd want it to be you.

Phil.

Phil, stop it!

Shut up, Mom. I like this haircut.