Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 7 - The Last Thanksgiving - full transcript

Cameron and Mitchell's friends mistakenly assume they have split up; Haley attempts to cook Thanksgiving dinner as a thank you for Claire and Phil's support with the twins; Jay invites Phil and Dylan out to fly his model plane.

Okay, we still need wine,
cheese, flowers...

Oh, we have to stop by the bakery.

Yeah, and we need a hostess gift

for Longinus' Friendsgiving party.

You know, she does not look
kindly on an empty-handed guest.

- [SIGHS] It's too much.
- I know.

But what do you expect from
somebody who changed their name

from Larry Jones to
Longinus St. Germaine?

No, I mean this list.

Okay, we're only making it
to my dad's by 4:00

if we blow off the hostess
formerly known as Larry.

No! His party's my favorite
thing about Thanksgiving!

Like, when we all go around the table

and say one thing we're thankful
for not wearing this year.

No. No, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Even skipping the party,
we're barely gonna make it in time.

Alright. Here. Let's divvy these up
and meet back here.

Okay, fine.


- Oh, hi, Mitch!
- Oh! Hi, Ronaldo.

What... Let me guess.
Those are for Longinus?

Oh, I would never get something
this shabby for that judgy queen.

- No, my mom is in the hospital.
- Oh, my God.

Will I see you guys at the party?

Oh, unfortunately no.

Uh, this day has turned into
something of a nightmare.

Oh. Where's Cam?

We just split up.

We just needed so many different things,

it was easier to separate.

So, anyway, happy Thanksgiving.

Tell everyone I said hi.

Super sad news.

Guess who just broke up.

Hint... you owe me 50 bucks.

Luke, stop eating all the marshmallows.

Those yams need all the
help that they can get.

Alex, how's the stuffing?

You tell me.

Why do we even have this stupid holiday?

Mom and Dad have been incredible...

letting me, Dylan,
and the twins live with them,

helping with midnight feedings,
bedtime stories.

Dylan loves it when my
dad does the voices.

So, I'm giving my mom a break

from cooking Thanksgiving dinner.

I wanted to do something special

to thank them for being there for me.

I've just, um...

I've become such a beautiful person.


Happy Thanksgiving, Jay.

Oh, I can slide over if you
want to watch this with me.

Nah. I never saw the point
of a parade without tanks.

I'm gonna take the plane out for a spin.

You want to come with?


Go... fly?

I played it cool,
but I was pretty jazzed.


It's been 10 years since Jay asked me

to go model-plane flying with him,
and I was, uh...

I was eager to replace that memory

with a... a be... a better one.

Okay, let's do it!




Where are you guys going?

Oh, nowhere special.

Let's just say that Jay's asked
me to join his mile high club.

Let's not say that.


You know, years ago, I almost joined

the female-dominated world
of flight attendants.

My fellow nurses still
needle me about it.

[CHUCKLES] Can I come?

Uh, actually,
Jay's pretty particular about...

Sure, why not?

Looks like we're having a threesome!

You're embarrassing yourself.

The turkey is still
frozen in the middle!

Hot on the outside,
cold on the inside...

reminds me of a certain someone.

- Please don't ask.
- Sure.

Ugh, this pie filling is so sour.

MANNY: [SIGHS] Yeah, it's devastating

when you expect something to be sweet

but ends up being intense
psychosexual torture.

I don't want to talk about it.

- Cool, cool.
- LUKE: Don't worry.

Luke's famous Jell-O mold is
here to save your sorry butts.


I can't have the one
nice thing I've done

for Mom and Dad be a disaster!

Alex, um, call you please call
that chef that you're dating?

That pompous weirdo?

I purposely broke up with
him before the holidays.

If I call him now, I will be
stuck with him until New Year's.

There's a school of thought

it can even stretch
out to Valentine's Day.

Once you pass Thanksgiving,
it's the Wild West.

Okay! Her name is Jessica.

We met during a Santa Ana wind,

and we all know what
Raymond Chandler said...

So no need to repeat it.

Alex, please.
How weird can your chef be?

I don't know if it's 'cause he's a chef

and they can be controlling,

and I know there's lots of different
"love languages,"


he puppets me.

You want them to be super
thin and uniform, like this.


You're tearing up from the onions.

Mnh? Unh?

And blow.

You know, maybe I'll just go
to the bathroom and do this.

Okay. Sure. Let's go.

Oh, Joe! You're doing place cards?

Doesn't Manny usually
take care of seating?

He's "going through something."

- Ah.
- I'm sure

we'll hear a spoken word
about it soon enough.

You really are turning into
a 4-foot version of my dad.

Our dad.

That will never not be weird.

Gloria, you do laundry?

Or are you hiding a pregnancy?

No. The housekeeper quit.

- Ohh!

I really love working for Phil
full-time for very little money,

but I didn't realize how
hard it was going to be

balancing everything.

I know. That's why I love not working.

Finally, enough time
to get everything done.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

You don't miss facing new challenges,

the fire of competition,

that sense of accomplishment?

No. No.

I mean, of course,
I worried I was the type of person

who needed to be busy all the time,
but it's like a drug...

After a couple of weeks of withdrawal,

I am finally comfortable doing nothing.



Oh, what kind of pie did you get,

pun'kin, pee-can, sweet pataytuh?

Flourless chocolate cake.

Let's see you try and country that up.

- Oh. My phone's in my pocket.

Here, would you grab it? I can't get it.

Yep. Alright.

- Who is it?
- Oh, it's from Jotham.

"Just heard. I'm so sorry.
How are you doing?"

- What's that about?
- I have no idea.

- Oh, L'Michael.

"Sending all my love, Camembert.

- Call me."
- What?

- Artemis.

"Ronaldo told me about you and Mitchell.

"Broken-heart emoji, tear emoji,

Tammy Faye Bakker crying GIF."

What did Ronaldo tell him?

No clue. I-I just saw him here,
and he asked where you were,

and I told him that we
split up to shop and that...

Oh, my God.
He thinks we actually split up.

Oh, and it's gone viral.

Well, there are two things
a gay can't sit on...

a plastic patio chair and
a juicy bit of gossip.

Well, it's nice to see

how supportive our friends are being.

Yeah. It's nice how quickly
they reached out to...

to you.

I got nothing.

- It's like it's mocking me.

I-I'm sure the texts were
meant for both of us.

- That's not how it works, okay?

They're not thanking us for brunch.

We're getting a divorce!

Why is no one calling me?!

Well, maybe because
they think you're the...

the stronger, less emotional one.

That's crazy. Just because I'm strong

doesn't mean I don't need my
friends at a time like this!

A time like what?

Y-You realizing this isn't
actually happening, right?

Oh, come on. If the shoe

was on the other foot,
you would be freaking out.

Yes... which is why
I'm getting all the texts.

- Okay, well, here.

Ohh, from Steven and Stefan in Capri.

Oh. Text back, uh, "Do not fly home.

I'm doing okay."

I thought this wasn't really happening!


Barrel roll into an S-turn...

and a little thing I
call Pritchett-Switch-It.


That just looks like a right-hand turn.

It would to an amateur.

You're an artist, Jay.

The sky's your canvas.

Oh, should we do the hoop?

Great idea.

Hey, champ, take this out to the middle
of the field and hold it up.


Guess it's "champ's" turn.

Are... Are we sure champ doesn't need
to see how it's done properly first?

I mean, it's not just standing there.

Dylan, just stand there!


What a wonderful shared experience!

Now, stay out there.

We'll do it again.

Kid's a natural. He didn't even flinch.

Bravery or a sluggish brain...
guess we'll never know.


Just, uh, I'm... I'm a little annoyed

that Dylan's horning in on our thing.

Hey, you know what,
my hands are cramping up.

You want to take over for me here?

- Really?
- Yeah.


Listen, i-is it possible
that you're angry at Dylan

for something more than today?

Well, he did take
the last waffle this morning.

I think it's more about...
he took your firstborn.

Now, I've been there.
It's only natural, you know.

Us dads, we're very protective
of our daughters, but, uh...

In fact, you may get
a very strong impulse

to fly that plane right into the guy,

but don't do it.

What? I-I would...
I would never hurt Dylan.

Why would you even think
I'd have that impulse?

I don't know. I thought...

you know, the way
you were looking at him...


Is that what you were
thinking 10 years ago?

A-All this time,
I thought it was my fault!

I-I moved my head at the last second.

But you hit me on purpose!

Don't be ridiculous! I just...

You just what, Jay?

Thought it'd be fun to
fly a plane into my face?

What kind of monster does
that to another human be...

Aw, no.


Look at this.


Okay, I think it's good for now.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
You need to enjoy your "me" time.

Yeah. Yesterday,
I had three open houses.

I was running around all day,

solving problems, creating value...

Ay, it was exhausting.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Yeah. Don't miss that.

Mm-hmm. [GASPS]

- Oh, and one of the houses was filthy!
- Oh.

All the windows needed to be washed.

- Oh.
- Euggh!

But I am one to talk.


Follow my instructions,
and we can save this meal.

- Who are you?
- Manny.

Wrong. In this kitchen,
you don't have a name. Stir.

Well, this is a fun energy.

Do you happen to have a cousin

partial to Western skirts
and terrifying mood swings?

We need him. Just do it.

Those carrots are a mess.

- It's like this.
- Wait, what...

Oh, man.

You really know what you want.

I feel so safe.

That needs more salt.

That needs more cream.

And, Alex,
I have a soufflé in that oven

valiantly trying to rise.

Would you mind not
pounding those walnuts

like you're Quasimodo
just going at his bell?

You know what, Neil? I don't know how...

Are these too hot?

Claire? Why are you washing our windows?

I don't know.

They were really dirty,
and your mom found a pole.

You know, funny coincidence...

last week, I was offered the top job

at a company that makes poles.

Yeah, I'm going through something, too.

Anyway, I turned the job down,

but I think I'm reconsidering it.

Her name is Jessica.

I know that poles aren't
as sexy as closets.

But people really seem to like them,

and they are famously recession-proof.

Oh, God.
I think I made a terrible mistake.

I got to call those people and
get that job before it goes away.


Don't do it, Claire! It's beneath you!

Whoa! Manny, show some respect!

If it weren't for poles,

you would be pledging
allegiance to a floor mat!

- Now, give me my phone!
- No!

You can't take a job on the rebound.

It'll feel good for a minute,

but then you're plummeting down
a K-hole of paranoia and regret.

Huh. How was your week?

Fine. I'll tell you why
I'm wearing a turtleneck.

After Sherry dumped me,

I dated the first girl
who would have me...

ironically, the leading
rebounder on our basketball team.

That's where she hit me
with her mouth guard.

I've tried to leave her,

but she just palms my head,
and I run in place.

Well, I'm sorry this is happening
to you, Manny,

but what does this have to do with...

She's the pole company, Claire.

Learn from my mistake...

unless you want a
compromising Polaroid of you

hung up very high in
the women's locker room.

I might need to borrow
that ladder later.


- Hmm?

Do you want to help me shop online later

for some power suits?

Oh, God, I miss
wearing comfortable clothes

all the time, like you do.

Yep. It sounds like a lot of fun.


What am I doing?

A terrific job. Keep going!


I have been sweating
ever since I got here.

Did you trick me into
doing your housework?




Unh-unh! That phone did not ring!

You're walking away because
you know you're guilty!

And take those shoes off!
I just did the floors!

My friends' reaction to our
"divorce" really bothered me.

So I made an excuse to Cam

and went over to Longinus' party.

I wanted the friends to know

that I am just as
emotionally needy as Cam!



Hey, girl, hey!

I can't believe you came.

Oh, my God. How's Cam?!

Yes, how is he?

Cam's fine. He's fine.

It was just a big misunderstanding.
We're not getting a divorce.


Well, girl, come on in.

Let's get you two drinks...

one for each empty hand you
showed up to the party with.

[SIGHS] Well, I-I could use it.

I mean, even though it's...
it's not true about the divorce,

it could be... you know, someday.

And that just...
that just makes me so, so...



Angry? Furious.

"The Fast and the Furious"!

Okay, this isn't charades.

I'm sad.

- That's your sad?
- Yes.

That's your sad?


And I-I really need
your support right now.

Wait, something new is happening.

Oh, my God! How can you not see
how emotionally raw I am right now?


Nothing lasts forever.

What happens when it's over?

Poor Cam. He is so fragile.

PTOLEMY: He's gonna need us.

We'll be there for him.

Who will be there to dry these tears?

What tears?

Where they at?

Ay, no, not again!

It wasn't me this time.
He did it to himself.

Unlike last time,

when you purposely flew
that plane into my face.

You're a monster, Jay.

Who are you calling a monster?

Um, he just said... Jay.

This isn't worth it!
Why do I do anything with people?

I'm pretty sure you
don't have a concussion,

but I'm gonna stay here just in case,

so you don't fall asleep.

Gloria, should you go get Mrs. D?

Oh, yeah, sure.
I'll see if I can find her.

[QUIETLY] Claire?

Oh, hey. Seen Cam?

And a Happy Thanksgiving to you.

Oh, that's a lot of attitude.
You sound like my dad.

Our dad!

- [SIGHING] Uch.
- CAMERON: There you are.

So, I just, uh,
got a text message from Longinus.

Said you left your sunglasses
at his Friendsgiving party...

the one you decreed we didn't
have enough time to go to.

Mitchell, you owe me an apology.

I owe you an apology?

I may not have brought a
gift to Longinus' party,

but I sure left with one.

It's like he's never
seen someone cry before.

Just think of something sad.

Like when a pet died,

or when L'Michael was a seat
filler at the Golden Globes

and got to sit next to Nicole Kidman.

Why him?!


Ptolemy, you must get over that.

Look, the only reason we
all rallied around Cam was,

last time y'all broke up,

he was shattered and you seemed fine.

What last time?

Apparently, years ago,

Cam invented a breakup
that never really happened,

just so he could gauge how
much support he could count on

in the event of the real thing.


It's my fault for loving him too much!

- No! No!
- No! No!

- You can do so much better.
- Don't do this to yourself.

- Honey.
- Yes.

You turned everyone against me!

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Because in a breakup,
friends choose a side,

and I'm... I'm more fragile,
and I would need them more.

I was just preparing for an emergency.

I didn't yell at you when you
bought that, uh, earthquake kit.

You told them I disappear
for days at a time.

Which you wouldn't know about

had you not gone to the
party behind my back.

Where's the trust, Mitchell?

Looks like a good place
to hide from the drama.

Dad, I am so mad at your wife right now.

- I need a guest house.
- No, no, no.

She... She has completely taken
advantage of my restlessness

and basically turned me
into her housekeeper.

How? By doing something the wrong way,

knowing you'll jump in
and do it the right way?

What's wrong with me?
Why can't I get these clean?

Not gonna happen.

I am partly to blame.

I'm not good at doing nothing.

How did they get fingerprints
on the inside of the glass?

It's crazy.

You know, I had a similar experience

when I turned the company over to you.

It wasn't the activity that I missed.

I missed being the boss.

Oh! Yeah. I hear you there.

- Giving orders, people scared of you.
- Yeah.

I like day drinking,

but nothing beats
being drunk with power.

Yeah. Do you know how many unfunny
jokes I told at the office?

- None?
- Exactly.

- Knock knock.
- "Ha ha ha ha!

"Good one, boss! Ha ha ha ha!

How do you keep coming up with them?"

Spineless bootlickers.

God, I miss them.

[SIGHS] How did you get over it?

I didn't wait around for someone
to put me in charge again.

I made my own opportunity.

Dad, dog beds?

Better than poles.

Oh, yeah. I hear things.

Dylan is on twin duty,

so I'm gonna make sure
you don't fall asleep.

I've been asleep for the last 10 years.

Imagine finding out

the plane crash you
were in was no accident.

Well, you're not alone.

Jay did something very similar to me

when Mitchell and I first got together.

He "accidentally"
bumped me with his car...

a real car, not a... not a toy.

I was pretty bruised up.

I just... I just assumed it was because

he didn't want his son with a boyfriend,

but he thought Mitchell could do better.

It was a-a bit of a shock.


But then, once I became a father,

I realized how protective
you can be over your kid.

There was a little boy on Lily's
soccer team always teasing her,

so at the end-of-the-season party,

I may have nudged him face-first

into a freshly fried funnel cake.


It is possible that
I have more in common

with dads like Jay than
I would like to admit.

Sorry I ate the last waffle, Mr. D.

I've been so hungry lately.


I wonder if that means
we're pregnant again.


- Oh, shoot!


Shoot, shoot, shoot.


Congratulations, Alex.

A warren of starving rabbits
wouldn't eat these carrots.

I'm starting to wonder if our
relationship should just be sexual.

Okay, Neil, honestly...

Hey, hey, hey, you lovebirds!
Time for that later.

We got a meal to finish.

Can somebody call FEMA?
This meringue is a disaster.

I just did what you told me.

Oh, really? I told you
to underbeat the egg whites?

I really think...

I think. You do.

Oh, Neil. Are you done with Alex?

'Cause I'm having trouble
slivering these almonds.

Be one with me.


Hey, Jay, um...

I think I overreacted earlier.

I want to apologize.

Forget it.

If I'm being honest,
maybe on some level...

I really did want to
hit you with that plane.

I'm sorry, Phil.

Thank you.

Maybe I, uh, understand better

why a father might want
to protect a daughter.

Or a son.

I banged Cam up pretty good
before I gave him the nod.

He never figured it out.

I get the impulse.
I'm... I'm guilty of it myself.

But there's got to be a
better way of handling anger

than hurting someone, right?

NEIL: Disgusting!

If this was the first Thanksgiving,

your gravy would be the worst thing

this country has done
to Native Americans!

- Hey, buddy.
- Yeah?




What a senseless accident.

What the hell?!

It's not the end of the world.

Chefs don't need to smell things.

You people are crazy.
I'm getting out of here.

What a splendid idea.


Enjoy the soufflé.


- You're the best.

Whoa. What's going on?
Did I just hear the chef leave?

It's hopeless.
I can't even tell what this was.

Well, I'll see if there's a
restaurant that can take us.

- [EXHALES SHARPLY] I'm just going home.
- Yeah.

No. No, no, no, no!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! No!

No one is going anywhere.

Listen, you know what?
We can salvage this Thanksgiving.

Phil, you get the salad started.

Luke, anything you don't need

dental records to identify, save.

Alex, that guy was an idiot.
Pick better boyfriends.

I'm sorry, Mom.
I so wanted to do this for you.

Oh, honey, no.

You gave me the best gift ever.

I'm bossing people around again!


[SIGHS] Look, I guess I just...

I didn't think I would be able
to survive if you ever left me.

And I still don't.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

And the party wasn't that fun.

Something was missing.

Oh, I love when you say things
without really saying them.


You meant me, right?

- LUKE: Um... um, "Man Without A Face."

"The Mummy."


"I, Robot"?


- "The Crying Game"!


What is wrong with you people?

If he wants to see crying,
he should come and see me

in the kitchen with
all these dirty dishes.


I will do plates and
I will do silverware,

but nothing that requires soaking!

- Oh, you guys are so cute!

Well, George is.

Poppy's gonna need a personality.

- Ooh!

Sorry, dude. Total accident.

Oh. He's gonna be a good dad.