Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - A Game of Chicken - full transcript

Gloria uses her alone time with the twins as an opportunity to secretly baptize them before Haley and Dylan get home; Claire deals with the fallout from the smart closet fiasco; Cam feuds with his school's mascot.


No, Margaret, I want you to triple check

with the compliance officer about that.

- What are you doing?
- I'm working on a little something.

You know how when
you're making pancakes,

- your hands are always full?
- No.

Well, this'll solve that.

Did you take the batteries

out of the smoke detector for this?

No, no, still here. Still here.

Yeah, no, I want to read
the investor statement

this afternoon,

but, Dom, you're gonna
have to resend it.

You accidentally e-mailed me

the first chapter of your novel,

and just a tiny little note,

maybe not all bosoms are heaving.

- Thanks, guys.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]

Work call on a Saturday morning?
What's going on?

[GROANS]

Honey.

You probably don't want to
get into this right now,

but is this a bald spot or
the center of your swirl?

My job has been miserable.

I'm always working, I never sleep,

and all I do is clean
up other people's messes

because I'm the only adult in the room.

Oh, my God.

I'm a mom again,
but to people I don't love.

Sweetheart, listen.

For years, you supported me

while I juggled realtoring and...
and juggling.

And now it's my turn to support you.

Anything that's not work, I'm your guy.

Oh, God!

Hey, look at you guys. So playful.

When I get married, I hope my wife and I

never lose that sense of whimsy.

- Thank you, Luke.
- What do you want?

Okay, here's the deal.

My buddy Scooter and I

came up with this really
cool business idea.

We think it's gonna be huge.

That's great, pal!

We are so proud of you.

- Get to the bad part.
- There is no bad part.

Actually, you guys are gonna make money.

Because I have to drop
out of school to do it.

[LAUGHS] You're not
dropping out of school.

- Honey...
- No.

...I... I got this.

But we should've seen it coming.

After all, his dad is the creator

of the Hey Batter, Batter.

The name's a placeholder.

But probably still available.

Dad, I want you to know I
love your pancake shooter.

Have you seen the updates... to...

the Insta-Cold straw?

You should be on a stamp.

Has that ever not electrocuted someone?

Sometimes you have to shock a few people

before you shock the world.

- Huh.
- That should go on your stamp.

Okay, stop flattering your dad.

You're not dropping out of school.

You're almost done!

And more importantly,

we don't quit things in this family.

Haley quit college.

And Alex quit her job in Antarctica.

And Dad has never finished a Sudoku.

They are hard.

Mom, this isn't some goof.

Scooter and I really
believe in this idea.

Can we at least show you

in the investor
presentation this afternoon?

We'd love to hear it, wouldn't we?

Of course.

Yes! You guys
aren't gonna be disappointed.

I'm gonna call Scooter now.

He's not dropping out of school.

You have got to listen
with an open mind.

After all,
what kind of world would we live in

if all parents forced their
kids to stay in school

and not pursue their dreams?

No Steve Jobs, no Mark Zuckerberg,
no Cindy Crawford.

Steve Jobs put a computer
in everyone's pocket.

Luke almost died taking off
a hoodie on an escalator.

My point is, dreams need to be fostered.

And if I'm being honest,

I kind of love the
idea of being a mentor

to these two young minds.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES, GROANING]

[MUFFLED] Wooden spoon!

Knock it away with a wooden spoon!

Thank you.

[THUD]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, this is amazing!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

Daddy so walks like that!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

CAMERON: Why are you guys laughing?

We... We were happy?

Since when?

Were you watching that video again?

Recently, the high school dolphin mascot

has been, uh,
mocking Cam during football games.

He's...
and I don't use this word lightly...

a genius.

How about we get our heads in the game?!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Rick, you're gonna be streaking through.

So it's gonna be boom, boom. You got it?

I'm surprised you can't see the humor

in what the mascot is doing.

Isn't it a lot like clowning?

- What did you just say?
- Are you insane?

Mascot-ing is nothing like clowning!

Clowns are descendants
of the court jester,

truth-teller to the king.

Mascots know nothing
of veritas and beauty.

Don't you just make wiener
dogs out of balloons?

You are just jealous
because no kid ever said,

"Hey, Mom, this year for my birthday,

can we get a narc?"

Okay, look, I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm just stressed out.
This mascot is under my skin!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I can't have him making
me look like a fool today.

I just found out a recruiter

from the University of
North Central Missouri

is coming to watch me coach.

A recruiter?

Did you apply for a job in Missouri?

I just said I was available.

W-Without consulting me?

- [SCOFFS]
- Well, you always said you were okay

with moving back to
Missouri at some point,

turning our little family
into a "farmily."

You know I hate that word.

Why? It's descriptive and fun.

And you know what?
Look, if I got this job,

I would be the first openly gay
college football coach in history,

and I would think you'd support that.

And I would think that you would ask me

before uprooting our whole farmily...

Gah.

Damn it, it's in there now!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- [GASPS] Hi.
- Hi.

Hello, mis niños.

Thank you so much for
watching the babies

for a few hours.

If you have trouble telling them apart,

just take off their diapers.

I wrote George's name inside his.

There's my great-grandchildren.

Do they recognize faces?

Do I need to start slipping them cash

- to let them know who's in charge?
- [LAUGHS]

Grandpa, you don't need
to buy their love.

Buy mine, and I'll talk you up.

Are we babysitting?
Should I cancel golf?

No, no, no, no,
I know how important it is

for you and your friends
to complain about

how young people today

are slightly different
than your generation.

Vin Diesel is just Telly Savalas

without the lollipop
and a great catchphrase.

Okay, and you two,
I know how precious alone time is

for new parents,

- so everybody go.
- Bye-bye!

Have a great afternoon!

Okay, mis niños, Glo ria has planned

a very exciting afternoon for you.

Let's see.

Who is ready to reject Satan

- and all his empty promises?
- [BABIES COOING]

Today, I'm having the babies
secretly baptized,

both into Catholicism
and into the crazy things

we do to each other in this family.

- Absolutely not!
- Okay, be reasonable, Tashi.

I... Tonight's a big game for me.

I... I need to project authority,

and your antics undermine me.

Well, buckle up, Coach,

'cause I'm taking it up a giant notch

and taping today's game
for my college apps.

Okay, you're gonna get into college.

You have fantastic grades.

Oh, you're right... an Asian kid
with great grades. That's fresh.

I need to guarantee a spot.

Mascot-ing sets me apart.

Listen, you little punk.

I could suspend you.

How would your fancy colleges

like to see that on your record, huh?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Nice try,

but, uh, my free expression

is protected by the Supreme Court ruling

in North Dakota vs. Bandito.

Oh, you... you halftime hacks.

No scruples, no honor.

[SCOFFS]

Is this a clown thing again?

We clowns have more humanity

in one of our whimsically
oversized pinkies,

more than you do in your
entire stinky costume.

You powder-faced elitists,

looking down your red
noses at everybody!

Wipe the pie out of your eyes.

The revolution is coming!

[SIGHS]

- Do we really need to do this on a Saturday?
- I'm sorry.

Nick was supposed to sign these

- before he left for Fiji...
- Mm.

...and people need to get paid.

We don't all live in mansions.

This is hardly a mansion, Margaret.

Whoa, why are we writing
a huge check to a shaman?

Oh, Nick took the interns
on a vision quest.

Well, the female ones.

- Gross.
- Mm.

Hey, guys. Scooter's here.

Great.

Can't wait to hear this amazing idea.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Can we just remember
we're on the same team

and Luke can't drop out of school?

So please don't make me the bad guy.

Honey, they're kids.
I don't want to crush their spirit.

They're just...

They're just looking
for a little guidance.

Oh, we're gonna guide them
right back into college.

Margaret,
this is gonna take a few minutes.

Do you mind hanging here while
we're in the living room?

I'll just wait here in
this other living room.

My God, the waste.

- Hey!
- Mom, Dad, this is Scooter Rivael.

- Phil, Claire, nice to meet you.
- Hi.

Luke said such wonderful things.

Wait. Um, you're... you're Scooter?

I-I was expecting someone younger,

maybe wearing Heelys and a backpack.

[LAUGHTER]

Uh, well, my real name's Scott,

but Luke and I met at the club

where everyone calls me Scooter.

Or worse.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So, let's hear this big idea, huh?

Okay. Well, just like we rehearsed it.

You got this, buddy.

Remember when I took nighttime
medicine in the daytime

and fell down the stairs?

- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
- Remember?

I bent all your fingers
back into their sockets.

Well, I had to go
to three different doctors,

and every one of them made
me fill out the same forms.

Introducing FormFiller Med,

a secure encrypted mobile app

that transfers your
medical and insurance info

to your doctor's office
with a tap of your phone.

No more filling out
the same boring forms

over and over again.

I ran the idea by a couple
old guys at the club,

- and they loved it.
- Yeah, and we weren't even drunk yet.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Alcoholism kills
millions of people a day.

I know what you're thinking...

Will doctors go for this?

We polled over 200 doctors
and medical personnel,

and 93% said that they would
happily pay our monthly fee

to reduce their administrative load.

But don't, uh, doctor's offices

all use, like, different systems?

Great question, Claire.

The top two medical software systems

have 90% market share,

and we're compatible with both.

Wow. And, uh, what do you do, Scooter?

Other than befriend children, I mean.

I'm a venture capitalist.

I've invested in 22 companies
over the last 30 years

and personally led three of them

from initial concept through IPO.

Fascinating.

You ever thought about
starting a business

with, um, I don't know, your...
your own son?

Okay.

Let me show you the device itself.

All a doctor's office has to do

is plug this into the USB slot

of their reception room computer.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

A patient opens the app on their phone

and taps it against the device.

And just like that,

all of your encrypted and pertinent

medical and insurance information

is instantly in your doctor's database.

Well, I am so sorry, guys,

but I like filling out medical forms,

and I think there are millions of
hardworking Americans just like me,

so this Shark is out.

Uh, Mom?

Oh, good luck with that one.

She's a lot tougher than me.

Well, it brings me absolutely
no joy to say this.

Luke, I'm impressed.

- But...?
- But nothing.

Do you have any idea

how much I hate filling
out those medical forms?

It seems like you have
really done your homework,

and most importantly,
you got a great partner here.

I say go for it.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

MARGARET: Psst, Claire?

- Um, I have Nick on the phone from Fiji.
- [SIGHS]

We're in the middle of something,
Margaret.

- He says it's an emergency.
- Ugh.

He's on my phone.

It's in the solarium.

It's a bay window, Margaret.

We did it, buddy!

PHIL: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on.

It's not settled yet.

Well, I thought we heard a yes.

No, I'm... I'm still having
a conversation with my wife.

Please, make yourself comfortable.

Maybe kick off those rubber-soled shoes

while I grab you an
instantly cold beverage.

"I'm just your husband."
"Oh, your husband?"

"You're gossiping. That's what I do."

Looks like someone had a fight.

[SIGHS] Hey, um, Mrs. Pasternack.

Um, was it that obvious?

Eh. I say that to everyone.

More often than not, I'm right.

- Martini?
- No thanks, I'm... I'm good.

No, you're not.

- [SIGHS] Marriage is hard.
- [SLURPING]

I know!

Everyone's always trying
to change each other.

It's like, I'm an adult film director

who collects Precious Moments Dolls.

Let me be me!

So, what's up with you two?

Uh, Cam started looking
for a job out of state

with... without consulting me.

Don't worry. You'll meet someone else.

No, he wants me to go with him.

Ah, that's the Cam I know.

He's always going on about you.

He is?

Haven't you ever seen his Facebook page?

He's obsessed with you.

"How gorgeous does Mitchell
look in this picture?"

Aww. "Proud to be married to a
man who fights for justice."

Aww. "Mitchell over his cold.

Hope my hubby brings the love tonight."

Ew, my dad liked that. Euch.

All right, Lily,
I'm on my way to the game.

How bad is it?

LILY: The dolphin is eviscerating Dad.

Oh! Aah! Aah.

Oh, if it was me,
he would totally do something.

But what?! Ah, just give me a sign!

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Is there any way I could
just throw money at it?

[FOOT TAPPING, DOORBELL RINGS]

[GASPS] Ay. Ay.

_

_

[COUGHS]

Except for Father Ramirez,

all the priests I asked

were "uncomfortable"
with my secret baptism.

They said it was
"borderline kidnapping,"

that they found my trickery "devilish."

It's like, when did Catholics
become so judgmental?

_

_

_

_

_

[BOTH LAUGH]

_

_

[DOOR OPENS]

[GASPS]

Jay, you're back!

Why do you sound surprised?

You cut my brakes or something?

[LAUGHS]

What the hell's a priest doing here?

Oh, it's just a check-up.

One of the babies maybe is... possessed.

Wait, are you baptizing them

behind Haley and what's-his-name's back?

You can't do that to
other people's kids!

It's not a big deal.

If it works, the babies are protected,

their souls are safe,

and they're gonna spend
eternity in Heaven.

If it doesn't,

it's just like I gave
them a little bath.

_

- "Viejo." I know that word.
- Hmm?

Did Father Time here just call me old?

Okay, let's all calm down.

Let's introduce the babies
to the one true God,

then we'll have some coffee cake.

You know you're crossing a line here.

Haley and Dylan doesn't
even have to know.

Know what?

Why is there a priest here?

I told you, Poppy's possessed!

Everybody can see it but you.

Why didn't you just ask us?

_

I did. I did ask you.

You said yes.
I think you were very drunk.

Haley, New-Phil,

do you really want this baptism?

I don't know.
We've barely thought about it.

Dylan did say that he was going
to research some religions.

I'm halfway through this
Jim Jones documentary.

So far, that religion seems pretty cool.

I'm sorry that I didn't ask you before.

I really wanted to do
this for George and Poppy.

Baptism is gonna allow their souls

to find eternal peace.

What's the catch?

Well, there's a lot of donations

and some shame around sex,

but Christmas is fun.

Ugh. I don't even know how I can decide,

but I guess it can't hurt.

GLORIA: Yahoo!

You're going to the kingdom of Heaven.

And there,
you're going to join the souls

of some of our greats,

like Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa,

Danny DeVito when he dies.

Go.

Yes.

_

- Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- What now?

Well, I'm sorry.

It just...
It suddenly just got very real,

and it does not feel right,

and I don't know why,

Grandpa, am I making
too much of this? I...

Don't ask him because he
doesn't even believe in God.

I just don't think

you need church,
costumes, all that stuff

to feel a higher power.

But you think there is one?

Yeah, I felt it when my kids were born,

and, um, when I met
this crazy woman here

that I want to spend the
rest of my life with,

but, you know, it can be just
a normal everyday thing, too.

You know, like the way it makes me feel

when I hear a baseball thump into a mitt

or the way Tom Waits' voice

can somehow be ugly and
beautiful at the same time.

Am I making any sense?

You know, last year,

Dylan and I went to Yosemite,

and we woke up really early one morning,

and it was just us and
those gorgeous mountains,

a bunch of huge trees,
and a family of deer.

It was so beautiful,

and it made me feel like I was connected

to something bigger than myself.
[CHUCKLES]

You know what, maybe one day

we can get them baptized in a church,

but for now,

why don't we take them up to Yosemite

and look up and say thank you?

That sounds like a great plan, Haley.

- [BABIES COO]
- GLORIA: Yeah.

And maybe roast some
marshmallows while you're there

so that they get used
to being around fire.

No, Nick, you can't keep
taking money from marketing.

They need...

What?

No, I will not stay on the phone

while you moon a cruise ship.

Are you...

- PHIL: Claire?
- Hang on.

Claire. What was that out there?

I thought we were supposed
to be on the same team.

We are. I...

They've got a great idea.

You're just jealous because
Luke went to Scooter and not to you.

That is not true.

Really? You don't think
they're on to something?

- It's an amazing idea.
- Okay.

But why didn't he come to me?

Because you love everything I do.

I wanted to make sure this
was actually a good idea.

That is so smart.

How is someone this handsome...

Okay, this is what I'm talking about.

I love inventing with you,
but this is a business.

And Scooter has a lot of experience.

That doesn't take away from

all of the things that
we've made together.

All of that stuff brought me here.

- Really?
- You can't spell FormFiller without Phil.

But you know you can, right?

The man's hurting.
I'm throwing him a bone.

- I'm proud of you, Luke.
- [SIGHS]

Damn it, I'm proud of Scooter, too.

Wow.

You know, seeing your guys' pitch,

and the... the passion,
that sparkle in your eye,

I... I don't remember the last time

I saw you care about anything that much.

[SIGHS]

I don't remember the last time I did.

That's super hurtful.

No, sweetie, I'm talking about work.

I... Honestly,
I used to get up in the morning,

and I couldn't wait
to get to the office.

And now I dread it.

I do. I miss
loving my job or even liking it.

Now all I do is put out
fires and manage complaints

and... and lose sleep over stuff

that really doesn't matter.

Yeah. I think I'm...

I think I'm gonna quit my job.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Is that... Is that crazy?

Uh, no. No, not necessarily.

I mean, crazy is sticking with something

that's been making you
miserable for months

when there are so many
companies out there

who would want someone with your skills.

Hey, Nick, you still there?

I told my son this morning
that he should never quit.

Well, I was wrong.

I'm out.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS, THUDS]

Aah! That felt so good!

It was so scary, but it was so good.

- [LAUGHS]
- I'm so proud of you, too!

- Ohh!
- Hear, hear!

To our next adventure!

Oh, I found this in the wine cellar.

It's a basement, Margaret.

CAMERON: No, no, close the gap!

Ball, ball, ball, ball, ball!

Oh! [GROANS]

CAMERON: It was a nightmare.

The biggest opportunity of my career,

and I couldn't focus.

I tried not to make
any mockable movements.

David Tashi was just
operating at too high a level.

But then something wonderful happened.

[YELLS]

Oh. You hurt me.

[CROWD CHANTING "DOLPHIN!"]

That's when I realized
I knew that chicken...

Those weak punches,

a run that said
"Pick me last" in gym class.

It was my Mitchell.

Okay, guys, come on!
Let's huddle up. Huddle up.

Let's get out there and
play our hearts out.

Let's go, let's go! Bring it in!

Pitkowski, come on.

Something more interesting
going on over there?

Yeah, does anybody else

see the dolphin fighting the chicken?

'Cause I got hit pretty
hard in the head earlier.

[BAND PLAYS]

All right, let's go.

All right,
so this is what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go up, right,
you're gonna be cutting...



Where's Daddy?

He went to go return
the chicken costume.

That was like two hours ago.

You don't think...

CAMERON: Okay, Mitchell?

Is that you in the mascot costume?

Is someone forcing you to do that?

Okay, then get in the car now.

I stayed in California.

I married outside of my religion.

I spend every waking
moment with your family.

But my love is not unconditional.

O-Okay.

Alright.

I love it when they honk for me.