Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 4 - Torn Between Two Lovers - full transcript

Dylan? Oh, Mr. D?
You jog here, too?

I'm a half a block
from my house.

Are you wearing boots? Okay.

This is less of a
coincidence than it seems.

I've been following you around
for a few days. It's about Haley.

I know she's in a relationship,

but I love her and I
think she loves me.

Dylan, I heard about
what happened.

I wouldn't read
too much into it.

It was only one kiss.

Uh... Oh, no. Two kisses?



Okay.

I went to Dylan's house to tell
him it wasn't okay that we kissed,

and I ended up
sleeping with him.

I would go back to his house to tell
him it wasn't okay we slept together,

but where does that go?
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Anyway, I just wanna talk to
her, and she won't return my calls.

She's ghosting you?

For an older dude, you
always kept up with the lingo.

Word.

I'm sorry, man.
You're a good guy,

you deserve better
than being ghosted.

I'll talk to her. You'd
do that for me?

Yeah, I'll throw her
a gab, you stab me?

Huh?



(WHISPERS) Darn it, I
think Luke's messing with me.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(IN ITALIAN ACCENT) Mama mia
what is-a wrong-a with-a my arm-a?

(IN NEW YORK ACCENT)
Forget about it, youse arm's fine.

Then why-a won't you take
a big-a juicy bite out of it?

Yo, Luigi, I think what we got
here is a communication problem.

See, when I said I
wanted to eat Italian...

BOTH: And scene.

Bravo! They just made that
scene up as they were going

and then at the end
there was a funny twist!

(IN NORMAL ACCENT)
Okay, for this next scene,

Sherry will play
a famous person.

Lou Diamond Phillips!
MANNY: Excellent.

And, Jay, I need an occupation.

I agree.

So, it turns out Manny's fake
Canadian girlfriend is real.

And annoying.

Until he goes back to
school, she's staying here

and auditioning to
be an improv star,

just like, you
know, no one ever.

Boy, oh, boy, did that
summer fly by or what?

Anyway, off you go! Bye, Jay.

I miss you already, papi.

He'll be back in three
days to do his laundry.

I'll miss you, too.
Come here, teddy bear.

Mwah! Mwah!

See you Saturday. I can't wait.

Okay, I'll be upstairs
doing space work.

Gloria! Quick question.
Why is that person still here?

Ay! I didn't tell
you? Don't even.

The college won't let Sherry
live in the dorm with Manny,

so she's gonna stay here.

I am going to make a delicious
sandwich, you want one?

I don't want a sandwich, I
want her out of my house.

And I kind of want a sandwich.

This is Manny's first
serious relationship.

I used to tell him,

"I know that one day
you're gonna find a woman

"that will appreciate
all your gifts,"

but I didn't know!

Are you saying you
don't find her annoying?

No, I think she's funny.

And don't worry, she's
only gonna stay here

until she can support
herself doing improv.

Well, put her name on
the answering machine,

'cause she's not going anywhere.

We're only lucky enough to get
one Wayne Brady in a lifetime.

Hey.

I just ran into Dylan. He told me
what happened between you two.

Look, whatever he said... Relax.
I know you kissed him again.

Okay. You clearly inherited

the power of the Dunphy kiss.

Take it from me.

That can really mess with a man.

You need to stop ghosting him.

Ugh! I know, it's just so hard.

I mean, I'm with Arvin,

who hasn't talked to me
since I told him I kissed Dylan.

And every time I talk to Dylan,

I end up kissing him.

It's very confusing.

Well, Dylan's a sensitive guy.

After all your history together,

he deserves to know
where he stands.

You should talk to him.

Fine. I'll tell him
to come over.

Use the blowfish emoji. It means
"brace yourself for some bad news."

No, it doesn't. Luke!

Hey, hey, no, no. I said no
more screen time today. Okay?

What's so fascinating
about truck videos, anyway?

(ALARM BLARES ON
CELL PHONE) Ooh! Firemen.

CAM: All right, Lily, let's
go. Okay, how late are we?

Goat loose in the house late?
Or stubborn cow in the road late?

You've lived here 20
years, please use city time.

Cal, Cal, Cal, no, you're
spilling all over the floor!

Lily, can you watch
where you're going?

Yeah, I'm the problem.

Now we're gonna have
to change his shoes.

No, he can't wear
his other shoes

because he scribbled
on those in crayon

and it looks like a swastika.
And in this day and age...

Not just this day and age.

Okay, his shoes are
fine. They have kids,

they know they ruin
everything. (CHUCKLES)

Except your life. Yep.

Nice save.

Another assistant district
attorney in my office, Trent,

invited us over for
lunch, which is great,

because he is looking
for a second chair

on a very high profile
case and I want in.

You know, I was
second chair washboard

in the Grasshopper
High School orchestra.

Go on.

So, Trent and I have
so much in common.

His husband works in
a school, just like Cam,

and they have two young kids.

I mean, if there was a
gay lawyer dating site,

we'd be a perfect match.

Good. So, get all
that out before we go.

TRENT: Welcome, come in.

You must be Cam. Hi. I'm
Trent, this is my husband, Kieran.

Hi, nice to meet you.
This is Lily and Cal.

Sorry we're late. These two
got into a little spat in the car,

and we had to pull over.

He burped in my face.

You were looking at me!

Great, great. Round
two. (LAUGHTER)

I'm sure you guys get it.

Oh, totally. Our little ones
are even worse in the car.

Oh, I'll go get them
so the kids can play.

Oh, your house, it's beautiful.

Oh, my God... This
plate is gorgeous.

Oh! Thank you, yeah,
we got that in Nepal

at a festival celebrating
the child goddess, Kumari.

Oh, well, the closest I've
been to a child goddess

was my Drew Barrymore lunch box.

(LAUGHTER)

God, your house is so clean.

How do you keep it
so clean with kids?

Here they are. This
is Devon and Denise.

Oh! Those are your kids?

Oh, my God, I did it again.

I'm so used to calling them our
kids, sometimes I forget to clarify.

Oh, no, it's fine. And isn't
Devon just a little cutie?

That's Denise,
she's the funny one.

Daddy, I'm bored.

(SOFTLY) Okay,
that's not polite, Lily.

Now, hang on, little lady. I'm
about to get your party started.

Ooh! Oh, boy.

This is a hand-carved
backgammon set from Sri Lanka.

Use the gloves. Have fun.

And while the
kids are playing...

Or choking.

Why don't you guys join us in
the kitchen? I'll grab us some wine.

Uh, I hope you don't mind white.

We lost a couch to a Cabernet
incident and Trent still gets flashbacks.

Okay, go have fun, kids.

Okay, okay. First of
all, no drinking juice.

Let me pat him down.
All right. Let me check you.

All right. He is clean...
Wait. What is this?

How did that get in there?

Okay, okay, look.
Hey, come here.

Just sit here. Do not move.

You can play with Devonise.

Uh, you can watch
your truck videos.

Hey, don't take
your eyes off of him.

So, just to be clear, I
don't get any childhood?

Oh, please. Last week, we
taught you how to make flan.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

It's Dylan. You need
me to stick around?

Nope, I was just downstairs
practicing what to say,

and I am prepared for
every possible scenario.

Okay.

Hello, love. Oh, no.

I missed you, too, Haley.

Surprise!

Arvin called me from Switzerland,
'cause he wanted to surprise you,

so I snuck to the airport
and picked him up.

I can't believe we
got away with it!

Oh, good, this again. Yeah!

Uh, come inside, come inside.

Look at me. I'm gonna
go make some tea.

Yeah, look at him.

PHILIP: Get away from that
door! Hey, Mr. Dunphy... Ugh!

Ow! You broke my heart.

Look. Dylan... No
explanation necessary, Mr. D.

If you had to rough me
up and take me hostage,

I'm sure you had your reasons.

Okay, Dylan, first we have
to talk about your costume.

Do you love it? It's fantastic.

But the timing
couldn't be worse.

Why?

Have a seat.

You know what, standing's fine.

Listen, uh, Arvin's here.

He flew back from
Switzerland to surprise Haley.

Wow. I'm up against
another grand gesture.

What's he dressed as?

Nothing, just himself.

(CHUCKLES) I like my chances.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I'm sorry I didn't
call you back.

I just needed time to
process the whole Dylan thing.

CLAIRE: That's
totally understandable.

Mom, got it from here.

Of course.

We really got her, huh?

Forgive me, I can't
anymore. I just can't.

CLAIRE: Okay.

Haley, I need to
tell you something.

I transgressed.

You were a woman?

No. No, after you told
me about your kiss,

um, I headed straight to a pub
frequented by other scientists

and, long story short, I
kissed a nuclear physicist.

I know it's not PC to say,

but they really are the loosest
of the scientific disciplines.

I forgive you.

Just like that, so
fast? Yeah, why not?

Let's just agree we're
both equally guilty,

move on and never talk
about it again. (CHUCKLES)

For the record, it
could have gone further.

I just want a little
credit for that.

Okay.

(FIRE CRACKLING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO)

Mom!

What? I do this
every day at 3:00.

(SMACKS LIPS) Ah.

Harpo, what're you doing?

Studying you, creating a
character. Imagine I'm not here.

I'm not that creative.
Maybe you could help me.

(LAUGHING) So gruff, love it.

I'm leaving. (IMITATING
JAY) I'm leaving.

Good. You go.

(GASPS) Look at
you, mis dos amigos!

(IMITATING GLORIA) Look
at... Look at you, mis dos amigos!

(CHUCKLES) That does
sound like me. You're so talented.

Okay, that was strange.

Gloria hates when
people imitate her.

And then Gloria says,

(IMITATING GLORIA)
"Where are my chews?

"I cannot go to the
club without my chews!

"Your stupid doggy
chews my chews."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

GLORIA: Ay, funny. (CHUCKLES)

Manny, come rub my ankles, papi.

Good, good. But how is your
funny old man character coming?

(IN GRUFF VOICE) Ugh! Somebody
get me a Scotch that's as stiff as my back.

(LAUGHING) Do that
again. That's the money.

How did you know
she was doing that?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) She is
so supportive, it was her idea.

JAY: And there it was.

Gloria didn't want that weirdo
here any more than I did.

She just wanted me
to be the bad guy.

But the joke's on her,

because, for short bursts
of time, I can be quite nice.

TRENT: We're trying out
a new recipe for risotto.

We went truffle
hunting in Tuscany

and we brought back a
few more than we declared.

Aw! And you, an officer
of the court, so naughty.

Don't worry, we're cool.

We get our Propecia in Mexico.

(LAUGHTER)

Tell us more about Tuscany. Remember
when we were saving up to go there?

What did we end up
blowing that money on?

Lily. Right.

Oh, well, your life sounds
so exciting. (SCOFFS)

Your house is so beautiful
with such nice things.

Well, they don't have to spend
their money on orthodontia,

ballet lessons
and college funds.

The grass is greener.

Your grass is greener. We can't
seem to get Cal to pee indoors.

Well, your family seems great

and, Mitchell, you are
killing it at the office.

Really? Because I feel like I'm kind of
getting more low profile, starter cases.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

There's actually a big case that
I'm working on and I think you'll...

(GLASS BREAKING) Oh,
my God! What was that?

Go. Go.

Please let it be
one of their kids.

There you are!

Hey, uh, Haley,
do you have a sec?

Uh, if you don't mind, we were
kind of in the middle of something.

Phil, what are you doing
intruding on these two?

(CHUCKLES) I just need to
show Haley something in my office.

I was doing a little cleaning
and I came across this old doll

that used to mean a lot to her.

Can't you just
get rid of the doll?

I started to, but it really seems
like something you should do.

You know, for closure.

You're right.

Wait. You need
closure from a doll?

That seems odd. Well, I
did sleep with that thing

since I was, like, 16.

Sixteen? Sixteen?

Oh, no!

Dylan.

What is Dylan doing here?

He's making a grand gesture. He
won't leave until he talks to Haley.

Oh, my God, t was one kiss!

(CHUCKLES) Poor naive
Claire. It was two kisses.

Did you have
something to do with this?

Haley was ghosting him.
What does that mean?

You are so not hip.

She wouldn't call him back.

So I told her to do the right thing
and end it, or whatever, in person.

"Or whatever!"

No, "or whatever" she's been
"or whatever-ing" since puberty.

It is time for her to grow up.

It doesn't matter. Look, we both
want the same thing for her in the end.

Absolutely. Right.

For her to make
her own decision.

Of course. The only
decision is Arvin.

I agree, Arvin is
very impressive.

But you should know Dylan has been
putting himself through nursing school,

working at the
hospital, running.

You're not honestly
making a case for that guy.

That guy would take
a bullet for Haley.

Why are you so invested in
him? Because I was that guy!

I was the underdog
with every girl I ever liked.

(SIGHS) It's very sweet,

but this isn't about
you. This is about Haley

being with a respected,
charming scientist

versus a guy who Lily
convinced to eat a box of crayons.

It was one bite
out of one crayon

and it was only because
he was blindfolded

and trapped in a Chinese
finger puzzle. (FRUIT THUDS)

(SOFTLY) I had no idea
Arvin was going to be here.

But can we please
do this another time?

I won't have the costume
another time, Haley.

ARVIN: So,

this is the doll you slept with.

Hey, you're pretty
handsome yourself.

So many questions.

First, why have you snuck
around to see the bloke

you supposedly feel
terrible about kissing?

Yo, I hope this
doesn't sound braggy,

but for the most part, people do
not feel terrible about kissing me.

Okay, guys. Stop.

Listen to me, my simple friend.

I just spent 14 hours in a middle
seat, I suggest you get out of my space.

Well, I suggest, next time
you ask about an exit row.

It could still be a middle seat,
but you'd have more leg room.

You have to go.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Enough! Stop fighting,
or whatever this is.

Arvin! There you are.

Oh! Hi, Dylan.

Radiant as ever, Mrs. D. Ugh!

Haley, tell him to leave.

Let me see if I can
defuse this situation...

Mom! Dad! Stop meddling
in my life! Outside. Now.

Now. CLAIRE: Okay. Okay.

Help me, I don't
know what to do!

My mask!

We are so, so sorry.

I tried to block him. He
faked going for the glass frog.

I can't believe it.

Breathe, honey, breathe.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Can we fix it? Oh, I don't know.

Do you happen to have any clay
from the melted runoff of Kilimanjaro?

Because that's
what it's made of!

We got it on our
first trip to Tanzania.

It was blessed by the shaman
that healed his psoriasis.

Of course, we'll be
happy to pay to replace it.

It's irreplaceable!
(CLAY SHATTERS)

(GASPS) Oh, my God, it's back.

We cannot apologize enough.

That's probably
true. I'll go get lunch.

This is a disaster.

I know, but is any part of you
still hearing "first trip to Tanzania"?

(WHISPERS) He was about
to offer me the case I want.

(WHISPERS)
There'll be other cases.

No. This one involves a music producer,
an escort and illegal arms sales, okay?

I want to bring them to justice.

Plus, they already
sold the movie rights.

I could be played
by Ryan Gosling!

That's it, honey, aim high.

What can we do, what can we do?

(DOG BARKING) (MITCHELL GASPS)

(GASPS)

Quick, bite my ankle.

Excuse me? Hurry,
before they come back.

I'm gonna tell them the dog
did it, it'll cancel out the mask.

Just do it!

Harder. It needs to scar me.

It's definitely scarring me.

They need to
believe the dog did it.

(CAM GROWLING) Psst.

Oh, well, if you're gonna
make us wait so long to eat,

this shouldn't
come as a surprise.

(LAUGHING)

Gloria, come here.
You gotta see this.

She's on fire.
Uh, check this out.

I can throw anything at her and
she can make comedy gold out of it.

There. Um, John
Travolta in a submarine.

Ow!

Ow! Yeah, because
the submarine is small.

(LAUGHING)

You were right,
Gloria. She's hilarious.

Do another one. Uh...

T. rex in a volleyball game.

(LAUGHING) Look at that.

It's hard to spike
with little arms.

Jay, can I talk to you
over there for a second?

Yeah, yeah. All
right, I'll be right back.

What a hoot!

What is your game, old man?

Nothing. I'm loving this.

My only fear is that she
might hit it big and leave us!

You think I'm an idiot?
Nobody thinks that that is funny.

Be honest. You want her
out of here more than I do.

Okay, fine. But I don't
wanna be the mother

that hates her son's girlfriend.

I don't wanna be
the villain anymore.

But that's your job.

I am the quiet and fun one.

Have you not heard her
impression of you? It's dead on.

You wanna get
rid of her, you do it.

I won't have to, because I
can pretend that I like Sherry

longer than you can.

You will crack first.

(IMITATING GLORIA)
You will crack first.

Sherry, you cannot stay here.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) What? Why?

Because you're driving me crazy.

But I thought you liked me.

What can I say,
kid? She's rough.

Let me get your
bag. (DOOR OPENS)

Hey, I'm back. Guess what?

All that calligraphy I've
done for the dean paid off.

He said you can stay with me!

(VOICE BREAKING) Your
mom just told me she hates me.

Mom, why would you say that?

And scene!

Why can't I tell Dylan to leave?

Because you are scared

of the first real adult
relationship with the perfect man

and you're clinging to the past.

Or you and Dylan have
a special connection

and you still love him.

Not helping.

God, they're both such great
guys, but they're so different.

How am I supposed to
choose? How did you guys do it?

Well, sweetheart. Uh... (SCOFFS)

I'm not gonna be any help here.

From the minute I met your
mom, there was no choice.

She was smart, she was strong,

she resented her father just
enough to go for a guy like me.

She gave my life balance, you
know. I can't imagine it without her.

Also, she's... She's crazy hot.

Mom?

Well, first of all, I'm a sucker
for guys who say things like that.

Your dad is the nicest,
most positive person I know

and he always helps
me find the fun in life.

And, uh, he's still real
easy on the peepers.

We really are
lucky. I know, I know.

I forgot what we were
even fighting about.

CLAIRE: Me, too.

You weren't fighting. We
were talking about my problem.

Oh, yeah. Oh, honey.

You should probably just
ignore everything we said

and try to imagine your
life with each of them.

What do you see?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

I guess with Arvin, I see
a big, beautiful house.

Arvin. Arvin, wait.

Lined with books, interesting
people coming in and out,

raising kids with
a brilliant man.

(SNIFFLES) I'm so sorry.

Oh, well.

Now I may have to
use my genius for evil.

You're my origin story.

What?

Every super villain has
a reason they're so...

You know, maybe
this is for the best.

With Dylan, I see us in a cute
little place that needs a ton of work.

We may not have
all the nicest things,

but there's music and laughing

and I know I can
always be myself

and he'll always love me for it.

Um...

I just got out of
a relationship.

I'm, like, a complete
mess. (CHUCKLES)

That's perfect. I love messes.

Can we, uh, take a step
back and just go out on a date?

Sure.

Your chariot awaits.

I couldn't fit in
my car, you know.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

HALEY: How do you do it? Just...

Oh! (LAUGHING)

We're never gonna be
able to retire, are we?

Nope.

(GRUNTS) Mmm.

I'm sorry the juicy trial
didn't work out. Are you okay?

Yeah. I guess if I had
to do it all over again,

I wouldn't have
told you to bite me.

Weird how I just went
along with that, no questions.

Speaking of doing
it all over again...

Do you ever regret having kids?

Of course not.

I mean, do I sometimes look back
and wish everything was different?

If you say yes, that is regret.

Then no.

Because if we didn't have them,

I would be Trent,
an uptight lunatic

who falls apart over
a broken tchotchke.

I mean, kids give
you perspective.

You realize what's important.

To let go of... (GLASS BREAKING)

(CALHOUN CHUCKLES)

And there goes
our last nice thing.

Thank God, we're free now. Mmm.