Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 5 - Good Grief - full transcript

It's an epic Halloween full of costumes, tricks and treats for the Dunphy-Pritchett-Tucker clan as they deal with huge, unexpected news.

PHILIP: Okay, honey. Doorbell's
installed. How does it sound?

SCARY MALE VOICE: (OVER
DOORBELL) Welcome to hell.

(LAUGHS EERILY)

That is so cute!

Could you come in here
and help me with this web?

Sorry. Gotta fly.

I'm gonna do that one again
when there's more people around.

Okay. So, you gotta
put that up on the hook

because the trick-or-treaters
are gonna be here any minute.

I'm caught.

Don't pull. It's just
gonna get worse. Oh.



No, I can, uh...
No. Stop moving.

I'm gonna get some scissors.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Hey, Jerry.

What's wrong?

When?

How?

Oh. Thank God, you're back.

There's a real spider in
here and it's getting closer.

That was Jerry,
my mom's husband.

Is everything okay? No.

My mom's dead. PHILIP: What?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)



I can't believe Nana's gone.

(SCOFFS) If God
really is an old white guy,

he's about to get an
earful. (DOOR OPENS)

Oh, my God, Claire.

Mitchell.

Wait, can you... I think...

I don't know how to...
Please help, thank you.

CLAIRE: Oh.

(MITCHELL AND CLAIRE CRYING)

(SIGHS) All right.

Who are you supposed to be?

Uh... I'm Prince Harry.

Oh, does that mean Cam is...

Hear ye, hear ye.

Presenting the Duchess
of Sussex, Meghan...

No, no, no, that was for Pepper's
party, we're not doing that anymore.

Go console your cousins.

Oh, sweetie. CLAIRE: Oh, hey.

Can I get in there?

Hang on. Oh. CAM: Wait a minute.

Yeah, I had the same issue
with this. CAM: There it is.

Oh. Oh, sweetie.

Who needs a drink? I do.

I do.

Okay, how are we
gonna handle this?

You mean, because the two most
emotionally-complicated people on Earth

are facing the loss of the most
complicated relationship of their lives?

So, not an edible arrangement.

We just have to
be there for them.

Whatever they need...

It just feels inappropriate
being dressed like this. Yeah.

I should be in something
darker with a cap sleeve.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

This is so surreal,
I can't believe this.

I just talked to her
right before she left.

She was so excited
about her trip to Greenland

with her women's
group. CLAIRE: Mmm.

Still no word on what happened?

No, Jerry called.

He said that she
had a heart problem

she didn't wanna talk about.

We're still not
sure if that's it.

He did promise to reach out

as soon as he has some answers.

We're here to support
you in any way we can.

Anything you need,

anything at all, we're on it.

Soup. Tissues.

Try this meditation exercise.

Yeah, no, you guys are
being so sweet. I just...

Yeah, but we cope with things

a little less touchy-feely,

and a little more...

Irish, yes.

Right. Right.

You know, have some drinks,

tell some funny stories. Mmm.

Do you remember the
time Mom was so mad

because Laverne and
Shirley moved to California?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, no. Remember how
she used to always bring

her own ice cubes
to restaurants?

Oh, God, yes!

Remember when she got
thrown out of Scientology?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Our mother is dead, Phil.

I thought we were...

Maybe you should just

give us a little space.

Of course. Sure. Yeah. Sure.

You know, I don't
know how we all

feel about the afterlife,

but I myself would like to
imagine DeDe surrounded

by loved ones, hearing...

SCARY MALE VOICE: (OVER
DOORBELL) Welcome to hell.

(LAUGHS EERILY)

I'll disconnect that doorbell.

CLAIRE: Oh, God.

Hey.

We were out trick-or-treating

with the kids. CLAIRE: Dad.

We left Joe with Manny.

We came as soon as we heard.
So sorry. (DOOR CLOSES)

Come here, you two. Get in here.

MITCHELL: Oh. Thanks, Dad.

CLAIRE: I know... (MUMBLES)

Look, I know that your mother
and I had our differences,

but she was a good woman. Yeah.

She, um...

And she had great legs.

Oh, really? That's your tribute?

Of course not. She was very
educated, as she often told me.

She, um...

Uh...

She...

I can't watch this. It's like watching
a fish panic at the bottom of a boat.

She gave you us,
your wonderful children.

There you go. And for
that... (CLAIRE SIGHS)

I will always be grateful.

Yeah. Mmm-hmm. We have
so much to be grateful for.

She was a wonderful mother,

and I am so glad that I was able
to tell her that during our last call.

And I didn't know
it at the time,

but in a lot of ways, it
was the perfect goodbye.

Huh. Oh.

Do we know what happened?

Not yet, no, but you know what?

I need to be around happy things,
cute kids in costumes trick-or-treating.

I'm gonna go hand out
some Halloween candy.

You know what? I'm
coming with you. I'm good.

I'm good. Yeah.
CLAIRE: You're good.

Uh... You make plans, the
universe steps in and says, "Nope."

Life is so unfair. Damn right.

I just waited in a
line around the block

for a hoagie
everybody's talking about,

then my ex-wife drops dead

and I'm too sad to eat it.

I'll give it another hour.

Oh, I'm so sorry
for your loss, Jay.

I don't know why I thought
getting this out would help.

What is that?

Nana had these little
statues of herself made.

They were her Christmas
gift to each of us.

Now I feel better about
my stupid well in Africa.

Hey, hitting that
candy pretty hard.

Didn't even take the
wrapper off the last one.

I'm sad, shut up.

I heard that if you die on Halloween,
you come back as a zombie.

I can see that.

Nana would be all, (IN
EERIE VOICE) "Brains.

(SNIFFING) "Nope.
Brains." (GRUNTS)

(ALEX SIGHS)

I just remember Nana,

when we were little, she
would... (CAN SPRAYING)

She would... (CAN SPRAYING)

Oh, my God, what is
wrong with you two?

What? Our grandmother just died.

Luke's over here making tasteless
jokes and you're stuffing your face.

Show some respect.

I am so sorry what happened
to your grandmother.

She was a wonderful woman.

Thank you, Gloria. Finally,
someone with a normal reaction.

Didn't Nana try to
strangle you three times?

Yeah, but one of those times,

I was able to see again my
favorite abuela for one second.

So, I really should thank DeDe.

Anyways, any issues that
your grandmother had with me,

they're behind her.

She's at peace.

She's living in a better place.

What the hell is that?

Mmm. Pretty lifelike, right?
Christmas gift from Nana.

Oh. It's very cute,

but it's amazing how her eyes
are following me wherever I go.

I know that this is
going to sound crazy,

but I have always worried
that when DeDe died,

she was going to come
back and haunt me.

Maybe it's because she
whispered it to me at my wedding.

Happy Halloween!

Thank you. Thanks.

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

(SIGHING) Oh.

Cute.

You okay?

Yeah, I was just thinking about
this great Halloween with Mom.

Oh.

I wasn't really fitting
in in high school,

so Mom took me to go get ice
cream at this place in West Hollywood,

and the parade was going on,

and before that, I'd
never been to a gay event.

BOY: Trick or treat?

Here you go. Happy Halloween.

The thing is she didn't
force me to talk about it.

She just let it be, you know.

And I think that that was her way
of saying that she was okay with me.

I remember once Mom told me
that I ate ice cream like a prostitute.

Oh, come on. (SIGHS)

Why haven't we heard anything
yet about what happened to her?

This is ridiculous.

I know. It's bad enough
we lost our mom.

Now we just have to sit
here, expecting the worst.

PHILIP: Hey. CAM: Hey.

Heard some raised
voices. Just making sure...

Where have you guys been?
Yeah, I don't know if you've noticed,

but we're kind of going
through something today.

Well, you said you wanted
some space, so we were giving...

So, now you're gonna
logic us to death?

Yeah, yeah, 'cause that's
what we need right now.

I am totally confused about
what we're supposed to do.

No, I have an idea.

Mitchell was just talking
about a great memory he had

of DeDe taking him for ice
cream in West Hollywood.

We could go pick some up.
It would be a perfect tribute.

That's great.

Plus, I don't know why,

but there's something about
the way Claire eats ice cream

that I just enjoy.

I just wish I could remember
the name of it. I'm on it.

Anderson Scooper? Priscilla
Queen of the Desserts?

Mmm-mm. Sherbert and Ernie?

Mmm-mmm. It was
something very specific.

West Hollywood Ice Cream Shop?

That's it. Let's go.

This can't be happening. Oh.

Oh, Jay. It's a
hard day. Tell me.

I put a sandwich in there with
my name on it 10 minutes ago,

and now it's missing.
Who the hell took it?

Really? On a day like today,

you can get this worked
up over a sandwich?

Come here. Yeah, hey, it's okay.

(JAY SNIFFING) Oh.

You're smelling us.

I smell guilt and pickles.

(SHRIEKS)

Sorry, fireman habit. Your
mom said you were up here.

You're the best boyfriend.

That's her, huh?

You know, people said she was
difficult, but she was an amazing woman

who didn't conform to anyone's
idea of who she should be.

There are a lot of photos of
her being escorted out of places.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Well, it must feel
good to know that...

I mean, not good.
Everything must feel bad.

I'm sorry, I'm bad at
this whole death thing.

And I see a lot of it at work.

I mean, nobody ever
feeds the station goldfish.

It's not just hard for you.

My brother can't
stop cracking jokes.

My sister is eating like a
bear about to hibernate and,

meanwhile, I'm just
sitting here thinking, "Wow."

You're here one
second, and then poof...

you're not.

I know how sad you must be.

Take off your shirt. What?

Fine, I'll run things.

(GASPS, CHUCKLES)

Okay, very funny, who did this?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(PRAYING IN SPANISH)

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

(PRAYING IN SPANISH)

Hey, I haven't seen Alex
since she yelled at us.

Is she okay up there?

Now that I think about it,

it did sound like she
was crying a minute ago.

We should check on her.

This is classic Alex.

She is criticizing how we're
processing Nana's death

because she doesn't know
what to do with her own feelings.

Meanwhile, she is taking
it harder than anybody.

(ALEX SCREAMS)

BILL: Oh, that's not
good. ALEX: Get out!

(BOTH GROANING AND SCREAMING)

Oh!

Do you remember when, um, she
wouldn't pay for my voice lessons

because she said she
wanted to save the money

in case I ended up with Dad's
nose? (CHILDREN CHATTERING)

You know, we could
stick to nice stories today.

Mom was a real
person. She was flawed.

She made me wear pants to prom.

She said it would "slow down"
whatever mistake I was about to make.

Well, I guess I never
brought out that side of her.

Or maybe you just let her
get away with everything.

Trick or treat! Happy Halloween.

What are you supposed to be?

I was gonna go as a unicorn, but
then I decided to be Pajama Girl.

That was two weeks
of sewing well spent.

Well, kids don't always
appreciate what moms do for them.

Moms can be controlling.

Well, sometimes moms don't want
their daughters to embarrass themselves.

Embarrass?

Like throwing a surprise
moon goddess party

for their daughter's
first period?

It was a celebration
of your womanhood.

Every year I say I'm not
coming back to this house.

Okay, just today...
Oh, God, just today,

could you not harp on
how awful Mom was to you?

She would have
done anything for us.

Mitchell, just because Mom is
dead doesn't make her a saint.

MAN: Hey. CLAIRE: What?

You're scaring the kids.

(SIGHS)

What is wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you.

You're just a freak that
gets turned on by tragedies.

Oh, my God. Is that why
I'm dating a firefighter?

Oh, I hope I'm more
to you than that, babe.

By the way, there was
a plane crash in Tustin.

(MUMBLES)

You know, there is a deep
psycho-spiritual connection

between sex and death.

Look at Freud. Thanatos, Eros,
locked in an eternal struggle.

How do you know
any of those words?

I don't know, maybe I remembered
something from school somehow?

They say everything you've ever
heard is locked in your brain somewhere.

Another fun fact,

your brain burns 20% of
the calories you consume.

(MICROWAVE OVEN
BEEPS) My burrito!

Another one?

Oh, my God.

I think your brain
is finally working

because, for the first time
ever, you're not starving yourself.

That is a credible hypothesis.

Huh. Eating, are we? HALEY: Mmm.

You didn't happen
to grab an Italian hero

out of the fridge, did you?

No, but that sounds delicious.

I'd go to town on an
Italian hero right now.

That's funny,
'cause Alex just...

I will rip your tongue out.

(HORN HONKING) Oh,
gosh, what was I thinking,

coming to West Hollywood
on Halloween night?

(BANGING ON CAR)
Hey, give the horn a rest,

the parade's going by, you're
going to be sitting here awhile.

Sorry, Officer.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SHORTS SCRUNCHING)

I don't get down to this
part of town that often.

That's not a real
cop, right? Um...

No.

You know, I'm impressed
you're still wearing that dress.

Oh, well, I'm wearing
two pairs of Spanx

and was on
diuretics for 48 hours.

As we say where I'm from,

"You don't teach your
dog to play the banjo

"and then skip the talent
show." (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Oh, man, this ice
cream's gonna melt.

Well, grab a spoon.

Somebody should enjoy it. Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

You know, we've been so
focused on Mitchell and Claire,

I haven't had a
chance to really...

Yeah, I know.

First time I met her,

she threatened to murder me
if I ever made her son unhappy.

(CHUCKLING) Went
into pretty graphic detail.

Described how she'd get
rid of my body and everything.

I was like, "Wow, this
woman will never trust me."

That's so her. (CHUCKLES)

Oh.

And one time she overheard
me talking about drinking

dandelion wine with my grandma.

She went over to the kitchen
cabinet and pulled out a bottle.

Apparently, she had an aunt
who taught her how to make it.

We sat there at
the kitchen table,

drinking and swapping stories
about growing up in the boondocks.

Hmm. The wine made
me go blind for a bit,

but I'll never forget her
voice slurring in the darkness,

telling me she understood
why Mitchell loved me.

I remember dropping Haley
off at school for the first time.

Her staring at me
with those giant eyes.

Her lips quivering, crying
for me to stay, and I, uh...

(INHALES DEEPLY)

I told her everything's
going to be all right,

and then I staggered back
to my car and I started crying.

You know who was
there waiting for me?

Well, if it's not DeDe,

it's kind of a touching
but pointless story.

It was DeDe.

She knew it was gonna
be a hard day for me.

I can't believe she's gone.

I'm gonna miss her.

Me, too.

To DeDe. To DeDe.

(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS)

(GASPS, SCREAMS)

(SIGHS)

Okay, you want
to talk? Let's talk.

I know that you never liked me.

And I was always nice.

Okay, fine. One time, I did
use your toothbrush on Stella.

But mostly, I admired you for
raising such wonderful children

and for helping make
Jay the amazing man

that I fell in love with.

I guess I never thanked
you for all of that.

So, if you can hear me now,

thank you.

And can you please tell Rosa
Garcia to stop haunting me, too?

And Marta Blanco, Marisol
Gutierrez and Cecilia Matos. Gracias.

Look, I'm sorry.

I think I've been trying to
make Mom into the bad guy.

It's not gonna make it
any easier. That's not it. I...

I just feel so guilty. Why?

Because, sometimes,

I was as mean to Mom
as she was to me. Oh.

She was just hard on you because
she believed in you so much.

Why do you always
have to defend her?

Because I loved her. I...

(SCOFFS)

Can't believe I'm saying
that in the past tense. I...

I'm sorry that I had a
better relationship with her,

and I'm sorry that it
bothered you, okay?

You have a better relationship with
Dad, and I know he loves me just as much.

Mmm.

Yeah. And when Dad
dies, he's gonna leave

knowing how much I loved him.

I'm not sure Mom knew that.

Of course, she did.

Really? Because, unlike you,
the last time I talked to her,

we got in a huge fight.

Mmm-hmm.

You get to remember telling
her you loved her and laughing,

and I get to remember getting into some
stupid argument about a Facebook post.

Uh... The one where she
said putting eucalyptus oils

on the soles of your feet
is a natural birth control?

Yes. Yes, that's the one.

And you have a 12-year-old
daughter who reads those posts.

You might want to tell
her that's not science.

Okay, okay. Remember that last
amazing conversation I had with Mom?

For God's sake! I'm sorry,

but there's no other
way to describe it, okay?

She told me about your fight,
and she told me how upset she was.

She said she was gonna
call you to apologize.

Oh, my God.

She left me a voicemail
a couple of days ago.

But I was saving it till the next time
I had to yell at somebody at work.

(SNIFFLES) Okay.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

DEDE OVER VOICEMAIL:
Hey, honey. It's Mom.

I just want to apologize. I
should not have lost my temper.

Shaman Phoenix Feather's
family planning advice

may not be for everyone,

and you just want to keep
your daughters safe. I get it.

I have a daughter of my own and I
know how much she means to me.

Anyway, I'm sorry. I
love you, and I always will.

(VOICE BREAKING)
Love you, too, Mom.

DEDE OVER VOICEMAIL: Also, I
saw your new photo on social media.

Are you part of some protest

where you're not
allowed to wash your hair?

Or are you just trying to be...

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
I'm gonna listen to that later.

Huh.

Weird hearing her voice.

(SIGHS) Mmm. Daddy.

Hey.

(CLAIRE SNIFFLES)

You already know this,
but I'm gonna say it again.

We both love you so much.

Yeah. And I know we've
had our ups and downs,

but I've loved being your son.

Are you...

buttering me up 'cause
you ate my sandwich?

Oh. What is wrong with you?

Seriously, what is this
obsession with a sandwich?

I waited in line.

(CLAIRE BLOWS RASPBERRY)
I was thinking about it for months.

You know who
would get this? DeDe.

That woman appreciated a
good sandwich. CLAIRE: Hmm.

And she made the best ones.

You know, when
we were first married,

that little house in the Valley,

we didn't have any money.

She would go
miles out of her way

to get the bread with the crunchy
crust from that French bakery.

It was hard on the outside,
soft and warm on the inside,

and she'd say, "That's
just like you, Jay."

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

She was nice to me
back then. CLAIRE: Yeah.

(MUMBLES)

It's funny, I happened to
drive past there a while ago.

That bakery is
not there anymore.

And damn if I wasn't
depressed for a week.

You know, I didn't realize...

how much it meant to me

till it was gone, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

(SNIFFLES)

CLAIRE: Yeah.

Look at that beautiful
family moment.

Yeah. Look right at it.
(BREATHES HEAVILY)

I asked myself, "What
would Nana want today?"

She'd want me to
mess with Gloria.

Also, I ate Grandpa's sandwich.

Oh, God.

Jerry forwarded me an e-mail
from Mom's women's group.

I... I can't even
read it. You do it.

Oh, okay.

Um...

"Our sincere condolences on
the loss of your loved one, DeDe."

Yeah. What happened to Mom?

Let's see. Um... Yeah.

"On the third night,

"DeDe wandered
away from the group

"and encountered a pack

"of starving timber wolves."

Oh, my God, Mom. Oh, my
God, Mom. (ALL EXCLAIMING)

"As you know, DeDe long believed

"she could communicate
with animals.

"So using a mixture
of howls and barks,

"she convinced them to
seek food elsewhere." Huh.

Guess that wasn't it. Let's see.

Uh...

"Later, she ignored a 'thin
ice' sign and plunged..."

ALL: Oh, no. Hang on.
"Saved by one of the wolves."

Uh... (MUMBLES)

"She deeply offended a tribe of Inuits
by interrupting a sacred dagger dance.

"Briefly swallowed
by a whale." Oh.

PHILIP: Uh... Wait, here it is.

"On the trip's final morning,

"DeDe was found in her room.

"She had apparently

"passed peacefully in her sleep,

"as a smile graced her face,

"and her hands clutched

"10 pages of suggestions
for the hotel staff."

That is so Mom. Easy.