Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 3 - A Sketchy Area - full transcript

Every afternoon, I've been
going to Luke's campus

to help him train
for rugby try-outs.

What do you say we practice
that lineout lift one last time?

And... I gotta go.

I don't want to be late
for Women's Studies.

That's what I call
my lunch break.

All right. Good
luck at try-outs!

PHILIP: The other day,

something pretty
interesting caught my eye.

Uh, modifications must be made to
standard microeconomic procedures

to apply supply and
demand analysis.



Hmm. First, we
construct a utility function

where Y equals income

and X equals the
cost of services. Well...

Uh, next, we vary
either X... (EXHALES)

What's on your mind?

Well, um, with all due respect,

uh, you have a room full
of aspiring realtors here,

and I worry that you
might be turning them off

with all those
numbers and formulas.

It's actually a very
exciting business,

it's about people, and
emotional connections,

and magnets with
your face on them.

You think you can just walk in
here and start teaching this class?

I'm so sorry, I
shouldn't have...



No, I'm asking, can you
teach this class for me?

If I leave now, I won't have
to pay the all-day parking rate.

Ten minutes with the dean,
who it turns out I'd sold a house to,

and I was official.

Imagine, Phil Dunphy shaping
minds in the hallowed halls

of Sequoia Community
College, established 2016.

As you can see from this graph,

it's not about X's and Y's,

it's about "oohs" and "ahhs."

(SCATTERED CHUCKLING)

Mmm. Okay. So, what
does real estate equal?

80%...

Eye contact! (MARKER CLATTERS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(TV PLAYING)

All right, your breakfast
is almost ready.

You're gonna need all your
energy for the courtroom today

in case you have to yell,

"I'm out of order?
You're out of order!

"The whole damn
system's out of order!"

Might not do that. I think I'm winning,
so, big fan of the system right now.

Anyway, it can't hurt to
have some experienced eyes

take a look at this police work.

Sloppy.

Okay, I know you fancy
yourself some sort of detective.

You know, I was quite the
amateur sleuth as a boy,

a real-life Encyclopedia Brown.

They called me Thesaurus Jones.

What I really need right now

is just a few minutes
of silence, so...

I would say my toughest case was

"The Case of the
Missing Snowman."

You know, at first I thought
he'd come to life, but it turns out...

Oh, shh! My trial! NEWSCASTER:
Today marks the fourth day

of witness questioning
by the DA's office.

MITCHELL: Oh, my God!
CAM: (EXCLAIMS) Is that you?

I look like an elf that just walked
in to his own surprise party.

No, it's like the time we
tried to microwave a squash.

Uh... Okay, this
is my first big trial,

a chance to make
a name for myself,

all anyone's going
to be talking about

is that awful picture!

Okay, this is a disaster.

There's a place downtown

where all the
lawyers go to drink,

it's called The Sidebar.

They put courtroom
sketches on the wall

of everyone's first big trial.

Maybe nobody saw it.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING) Um...

Don't assume the worst. It
could just be an AMBER Alert.

(CELL PHONE CONTINUES CHIMING)

CLAIRE: Hey, Dad. JAY:
(OVER CELL PHONE) Yo.

CLAIRE: Since it is our first
day with our new partners,

I thought maybe you could get
to work as close to on time as...

JAY: I will try my best.

Hi. (CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry. Am I late?

No. We're not real time
sticklers here. Oh. Ah!

We've found that team
members really excel

when they follow their
own energy rhythms.

WOMAN: Mmm-hmm.
JAY: Interesting.

'Cause I've found team
members are happiest

when the company
stays in business.

Which means asses
in chairs by 9:00.

Dad, can I just have
a quick sec with you?

JAY: Sure.

Um, so, Dad, look, the
culture is just different here,

and you just can't come
in with a sledgehammer,

or it's gonna create tension.

You don't want
to alienate people.

So, you want me
to change who I am?

No. I just want you
to hide who you are.

Come on. Just a little
bit. Let's get rid of this.

Look at that, that's better already.
Who is this 50-something, huh?

Fine. I will be on
my best behavior.

Thanks, Dad. (SIGHS)

So sorry about that.

No, it's no problem.
Family time is so important.

That's why we offer 14
months paid paternity leave.

Mmm. Okay.

Let's see an update
on that Thinfinity model.

CLAIRE: Ooh. Cool design.

Who do I high-five for
that, huh? Everybody.

Our design meetings are
organized around burstiness.

Which is a rapid-fire
creative process

that really just unlocks
the unconscious.

WOMAN: Mmm. CLAIRE: Cool.

Does anybody else
find that distracting?

Actually, it's great for
left brain stimulation.

I got winner!

(CHUCKLES) We don't keep score.

No? WOMAN: Watch out!

JAY: What the hell?

You don't know about Zorbing?

It promotes mind-body balance.

It's kind of like the
German version of Flerming.

Okay, that's it.

Now, I'm about to
introduce you squids

to a little thing called back-breaking,
soul-crushing hard work.

How many heart attacks have you
had here in the last five years? Zero?

Where am I?

America loves closets, and
I'm here to build them, damn it!

And you get this back when I
see people pull up in the morning,

crying in their cars.

Yeah.

Okay, must you?

You know what,
we're gonna make sure

that sketch artist sees the
best possible version of you.

Let's get those apples
a-shinin'. Okay. Stop it. Don't.

Okay, your face gets weird when
you make that "O" sound, so avoid that.

Are you serious?

The defendant runs

the Orange County Oceanic
and Ornithological Organization.

That was hard to
watch. (STAMMERS)

BAILIFF: All rise.

Last looks!

Stop. JUDGE: Be seated.

Mr. Pritchett, you may resume
your questioning of the witness.

Mitchell, he's here! Hmm?

Only give him your best side,
avoid the fluorescent lights,

no O's, and whatever you do,

do not stand
next to the bailiff,

he is breathtaking.

Oh, my God. Counselor?

Uh, sorry, Your Honor. Um...

Miss Carpenter... Bad side.

Do you recall seeing this
man on the night in question?

Yes, sir.

And is he, to your
knowledge, the CEO

of the Orange County Oceanic
and Ornithological Organization?

Counselor, you're
mumbling. Oh, uh...

Can you repeat that, please?

Does he run the
bird and water place?

MISS CARPENTER: He does.

And is he here
today in this, uh...

(SCRIBBLING)

As I was saying...
A little further.

Is he here today
in this courtroom?

MISS CARPENTER: That's him.

Let the court note
that I'm pretty sure

the witness has
identified the defendant.

(GASPS)

(PHILIP SCRIBBLING)

Elbow patches?

Did you burn through
another blazer at Benihana's?

Actually, it's for my new
position teaching real estate

at your school.

What are you talking
about? They offered me a job.

But hey, listen to me.

Lifelong dreams aside,

I'm not taking this
unless you're on board.

I'm definitely not.

(REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPENS)

I get it.

You don't want your old
Pops cramping your style.

So, I'm out.

(CHUCKLING) It's just funny,

I can't remember the
last time I was this excited.

But it wouldn't make any sense
unless you were excited, too.

Not even a little bit. Right.

Those poor kids, though, huh?

I have so much to offer.

For example, which house styles
are sold by which cookie type.

French Revival... (IN
FRENCH ACCENT) Macaroons.

English Tudor... (IN ENGLISH
ACCENT) Shortbread.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) But
we both know what you want,

so, uh, I'll resign

and go back to trying to figure
out what to do with my final years.

Okay.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I need a place to stay
for a couple of days.

I can't go home, can't go to
school, don't want to talk about it.

Got it.

I knew that Alex wanted to talk
about it, but I had a lot on my mind.

I had a rough morning with Joe.

Have a great first day.

Aren't you gonna walk me in?

No, in first grade,
you have drop-off.

No one said anything
about drop-off.

What if I can't find my cubby?

There don't have cubbies,
they have lockers here.

Wait a second.
Where's my lunch box?

Oh, I signed you up for
the hot lunch program.

(GASPS) What is this place?

Okay, I've been
feeling some pressure

about what to do after
I graduate this year.

And my parents are
constantly asking me about it.

I thought that you were
going to work. So did I.

But lately, I've been
questioning everything.

I've even thought
about becoming a fellow.

(GASPS) Alex,
that's a big change.

But at least you get to
keep the same name.

I'm not even sure
it's what I really want.

Okay, you have to be very sure,

because I heard it's
even harder to reverse it.

Can we talk about
anything else? Where's Joe?

He started school today.

He was so panicky
when I dropped him off.

I don't know why,
it's just first grade.

Just first grade?

That's when the pressure starts!

(EXCLAIMS) You're
freaking me out.

Alex is going to be
a very nervous man.

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)

(STUTTERING)
Excuse me! Sketch man!

We'd like a word with you
about your little drawings.

You don't remember me, do you?

Uh...

(CAM STUTTERING)

Well, obviously, we have
offended you somehow.

Oh, were you the
barista we had fired?

Here's a hint, I once
stayed in your upstairs rental.

Oh.

Who consumes an
entire welcome basket?

We usually reuse
half this stuff!

All the Altoids? He
was here one night.

He even ate the
horseradish mustard?

What did he put it on? We
purposefully don't give crackers!

(JONAH GASPS)

BOTH: Hey.

We are so sorry we
offended you, but... Ooh.

Too late, I own you two.

And I haven't even
gotten to my best stuff yet.

I can go redder.

You wouldn't. Just wait
till I connect the brows.

Please, we have a child.

Reporting live
from the courthouse.

Oh, fun. A reporter from CNN.

Looks like this pretty little
portrait's about to go national.

(CAM SIGHS) What
are we going to do?

Okay, is it just me or does this
sound like a job for Thesaurus Jones?

It's just you. No.
Blackmail, Mitchell!

We just have to dig
something up on this guy,

which shouldn't be a problem,

because everyone's
hiding something.

Everyone.

I feel like you're
sitting on one more...

Everyone. Yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PEOPLE SHUSHING)

CLAIRE: Just as I feared,
my dad had crushed the spirit

of everyone in that office.

I had to do something to prove
we weren't some stuffy killjoys.

It's time to bust out
Party Claire. (CHUCKLES)

She'd retired, after
spring break '89. (SNIFFS)

And again in '92.

Hey, do you have a second?

If this is about my
respecting your process...

Actually, we want to thank you
for laying down the law before.

Because we have gone soft as a
company, we needed a couple grown-ups

to come in and put
us back on track.

Thanks to you, we've gotten
rid of all the distractions.

No more ping-pong
tables, squirt guns.

The only thing we couldn't
find was that giant...

CLAIRE: Break time, bitches!

Oh, it turns out,
this is a little...

Oh, my God. This
is gonna take me...

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

(EXCLAIMING)

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

Sorry.

Sketch boy was
unusually well-groomed

for somebody coming out of
a government-subsidized gym.

Something wasn't right.

I was getting that old
Thesaurus Jones tingle.

I decided to do
some sniffing around.

(SNIFFS AND GASPS)

Sketch guy's face
had a kind of glow

that can only be achieved with
expensive creams and unguents,

yet all I found were packets
of cut-rate, all-purpose lotions.

(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)
According to my sources,

the gym had an executive
level that provides

all manner of
fancy spa products.

But it's for judges
and attorneys only.

I created a diversion by
convincing the security detail

there was a towel emergency...

There's a towel emergency.

And hacked into the
gym's computer system.

Turns out Jonah's been
accessing the executive level

by swiping the ID of one
Victor Graham, a retired judge.

Members of the jury,
the defendant, Mr. Kane,

would have you believe that he
was working at the time of the crime.

Bald...

Faced lies! (DOOR OPENS)

Counselor? Ah.

Because evidence would
clearly suggest that, um...

Oh. That while James
Kane does have an office

on his company's
executive floor,

he was nowhere
near it that night.

Nice try, executive-level Jim...

Kane, but we're onto you.

Ladies and gentlemen,
before you've retired,

judge... For yourself,

and draw a more
accurate conclusion

than the one Mr. Kane
would have you believe.

Counselor, you're
speaking weirdly.

I'm sure you will find the
defendant's alibi to be thin...

(SCRIBBLING)

Even thinner...

(CONTINUES SCRIBBLING)

(SOFTLY) Thank you.

(DOOR OPENS)

Good afternoon, young realtors.

I have a very important
announcement to make after class,

but in the meantime, if you would
be so kind as to open your books...

(VOICE BREAKING)

Oh, boy. I can't do this.

Students, today is
our last day together.

BOY: What? (STUDENTS MURMURING)

(SHUSHING)

I've treasured
our time together.

Brett, I know we got
off to a rough start,

but once we broke
down those walls,

I'm not sure who
was teaching who.

Whitney, you're the
toughest single mother I know.

Lucy, you be good to your mom.

Bob, amazing how
you battle that dyslexia.

Maybe ease off on the anger
toward your parents, though.

They did you a solid
giving you that name.

We're going to miss
you, Mr. Nudphy.

It's... You flipped it. But I'm
gonna miss you guys, too.

(SIGHS) Location.
Location. Location.

You memorized it.

Now, for the
second and last time,

class dismissed.

LUKE: Dad.

Luke? How long have
you been back there?

I pretty much saw the
whole thing. (SIGHS)

Hey, Dad? Yeah?

Don't forget your coffee mug.

Oh.

I'm sure this all
worked out for the best.

I'll, uh, probably miss a few
spontaneous Frisbee opportunities,

and apparently a tumbling
exchange program, oh, well.

And an Amateur
Inventors Association.

How much fun could it be
changing the world anyway?

"The Sequoia College Players
Present: A Hall and Oates Magic Show."

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

Dad, wait. Yes, Luke?

Don't forget your mug again.

Come on!

Can't you see I'm
meant to be here?

I'm sorry, but I've never
had a school to myself.

I was always Alex's dumb
brother, or Manny's hot nephew.

Now, I can finally
be my own person.

I'm sorry, I get it.
(STUTTERS) I really do.

I think I was just getting
a little overexcited.

I'll, uh... I'll see
you at home.

COACH: Dunphy,
glad I ran into you,

so I can congratulate
you personally.

Wait, I made the
team? First string.

I gotta say, your form
on that line-out lift...

(CHUCKLES) Was impeccable.

Thanks. Yeah.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Hey, Dad, I made the team!

PHILIP: That's amazing! I
knew you would, you're a natural.

Well, I had a great teacher.

Aw!

So, listen...

This is a big campus.

Maybe we could both be
here (TIRES SCREECHING)

if we promise to stay
out of each other's way.

Oh, I'd hate to
step on your toes.

No, you wouldn't.

I would hate to stop you from
doing something you're so good at.

I guess I could think about it.

I mean, it's not like
I'd be there all the time.

I, uh, have class,
and office hours,

and I have the 11:00 a.m. to 2:00
p.m. slot at the campus radio station

on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Hey! If you want
to be my sidekick...

Dad?

You're right. It's better
if I do all the voices.

What's up?

What's all this?

Well, you got me so nervous
about Joe's terrible day,

that I put all this
out to cheer him up.

Sundae, video game. I even
wrote him a little pep talk.

We're lucky to live in the
golden age of medicines.

Hey, Grandpa, I'm staying
here for a couple days,

and I do not wanna
talk about it. Cool.

(DOORBELL RINGS)
(GASPS) That's Joe.

Hey, is my dad home?

(WHISPERS) Crap,
what's my mom doing here?

Come with me.

I owe him an apology. I
made a huge scene at work.

(SIGHS) Well, sometimes the best
way to say "I'm sorry" is in an e-mail.

(VOICE BREAKING) I
plowed over a bunch of people

in a giant hamster ball.

And then, I tried to impress the
foodies by ordering Indian for lunch,

and then, I chewed some gum
to get rid of my coriander breath,

and I'm pretty sure
some of it is in my hair.

And then I... Oh, tripped
and fell and skinned my knee,

and everybody saw my
underwear. (DOOR OPENS)

Crushed it!

First days are easy
when you're cool.

Uh-huh.

I do feel bad for Conner B.

He brought stinky
egg salad for lunch.

He's gonna have
to eat with the nurse.

Oh, God! GLORIA: Ay!

Eh, Joe, why don't
you go upstairs?

Oh! I just want to go back to
my old office, where I had friends.

GLORIA: I know.

Sometimes, you know,
we all have bad days.

(SIGHS)

"And sometimes, we have
to deal with mean boys."

Boys are mean.
You're right, Gloria.

I am right? (SNIFFLES) Mmm.

"Oh, you know what I
love about this family?"

Mmm? "We're not
quitters. Especially you.

"Remember how hard it was
for you to learn how to swim?"

It was hard.

"But now, it's your
favorite thing in the world,

"because it reminds you
of how strong you are."

I mean, I like to swim...

"Tomorrow can only
be better." Mmm.

"But just in case,

"I'll come at lunch, and I will
kiss you through the fence."

How about I text you around 11:00,
and let you know how I'm doing?

So, you wanna tell me why
you're avoiding your mom?

I'm not avoiding
her. What's all this?

Danger O'Shea memorabilia.
I'm a big collector.

Who's Danger O'Shea?

Legendary daredevil,

got famous for jumping over a
school bus on his motorcycle.

Get over here. Talk to me, tell me
why you're avoiding your mom. (SIGHS)

Okay, well, I've been on a science
track my whole life, which my parents love.

"Alex the scientist!"

But lately, I've been
having second thoughts.

I've always loved singing, and I've
been doing some open mic nights recently,

and it's been going really well.

I see where this is
going. Sing for me.

What, like, right now?

Just sing.

♪ Somewhere over the rainbow

♪ Skies are blue ♪

That was great.

Stick to science.

Wow. You really got a knack
for pep talks in this house.

I'm not saying it's impossible.
I'm saying play the odds.

For example, you
take this O'Shea guy.

Oh, good, we're back to him.

But he was smart, he started
a business, got established.

And when he couldn't kick the
daredevil dream, he went for it.

And he was good, real good.

Until that fateful day he tried to
jump over a motorcycle in a school bus.

Fortunately for him, unlike
his act, he had a safety net.

His business.
Jumped right back in.

Within a year, it
was bigger than ever.

The point is, you've been on
the science track for 15 years.

See it through,
build a foundation.

If in a couple of years, you still
have the singing bug, go for it.

I guess you're right.

It would be pretty dumb of me to
give up on the career path I'm on.

I could make half a mil
my first year out of school.

Wow! What do they pay men?

(SCOFFS)

So, Danger never did
another stunt again?

He still brings that maverick
spirit to everything he does.

Which is why he got
to the top of his industry.

Some people think it's the
greatest stunt he ever pulled off.

(SCOFFS)

Thanks for the talk... Danger.

So, I won my case,
and even better,

this is going up at The Sidebar.

Yeah. And now, maybe
you'll have some respect

for my investigative skills.
It was a pretty simple case,

because, as I've said,
everyone has something to hide.

Everyone.

You know... Everyone.