Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Great Expectations - full transcript

Jay has a sleepover for his grandkids, but Haley is looking for a way out. Claire tries to get a perfect anniversary gift for Phil, and Mitchell and Cameron discover that their ladyfriend is crazy and jealous of their daughter.

Ah- Fix that step.

I'm still sleeping.

Happy anniversary.

And they said
we wouldn't last.

Who said that?
Oh, look at you.
You're cute.

Go ahead. Open it.
What have you done?

Something. Nothing.

It's a View-Master.
Look inside.

Oh, it's us.

Look at how young
we are.

Oh, God, that perm.

Yeah, it really
framed my face.

Why is there a picture
of a bracelet?

Huh. Must be
some kind of a mistake.

What the heck is that?
Phil, you didn't.

What did he- did he?
Oh, my God.

It's beautiful.
Oh, sweetie, I love it.

Okay, your turn.
My turn? Where is it?

It's on the bureau.

I'm surprised
I didn't see it.

It's there.
The red envelope.

- Oh. So- Card.
- No. That's where you're wrong.

I am so excited.

Hey. Coupons for...

five free hugs.

- You don't like it?
- Are you kidding me? I love it.

It's so creative. Coupons for hugs,
which are usually free.

But this makes it official,
which is so great.

I was so proud of myself
when I thought of it...

because you're impossible
to buy for.

You never
want anything.

Um, things I want:

Robot dog, night-vision goggles,
bug vacuum,

G.P.S. Watch, speakers
that look like rocks.

I love my wife,
but she sucks at giving gifts.

I'm sorry for
the pay-channel language,
but- Oh, yogurt maker.

I can't not think
of things I want.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

I can't tell
if she needs a diaper change.

I'd think we'd be able to tell.
No, with these diapers,
it's hard to tell.

Triple leakage protection.
LeakLock. Contours
to protect her little body.

No gapping or chapping.

Cam, do you think
that maybe we need a-

Night out.

Yeah. Yes.
Just a few hours
with a couple of adults,

few drinks,
no baby talk.

It'll make us better parents.
Stop drilling.
You've struck oil.

We'll get Gloria to babysit.
We're going out.

You got some spittle.
Do I? You know
who'd be fun to call?


Ooh, raise
the roof, Lily.

We're calling Sal.

Sal is our very best friend
in the whole wide world.

The reason we love her
so much...

is she has absolutely
no inhibitions.

[Cameron] And that's
before she starts drinking.
Hanging out with her...

is like an Amsterdam
Saturday night
every day of the week.

And, ironically,

Sal's not allowed
back into Amsterdam.
Any day of the week.

Of course we would love
to have the baby.

All the other cousins
are sleeping over tonight.

The more, the merrier.
Okay, see you tonight.

Is Haley still coming?
[Phone Beeps]

You're related.
I will spray you with the hose.

All the grandkids are coming
over for Jay's Night.
Family tradition.

Everybody wears p.j.'s,
which they love.

I make my famous sloppy jays,
which are really sloppy joes...

but made by Jay,
which they love.

And then we all watch
a Western together,

which they don't really care for,
but hey, it's Jay's Night.

So, Mom, there's
a party tonight
at Andrew Adler's,

and everybody's
gonna be there.

Ooh, that sounds
like so much fun,
but I have other plans.

Oh, that's hi-larious.
But I'm talking about me.

That's unusual.
Honey, you said you'd go
to your grandfather's tonight.

See, that's
what's so perfect about this.

Andrew only lives,
like, a couple blocks
away from Grandpa's.

- So I figured that I could go-
- Sweetie, you made a commitment.

But I really want to go.
Plus, every time
I go over to Grandpa's,

Manny just stares at me
the whole time.

- Maybe if you wore a bra-
- Alex.

What? I can't wait
to go to Grandpa's.

Family means
everything to me.
'Cause you have no friends.

No. Because
I love Grandpa.

And he's getting older.

Who knows how many years
he has left?

Is Grandpa dying?
Didn't they tell you?

Alex, stop torturing
your brother.

No. Your grandfather
is fine.

For now.
[Game Beeping]

[Doorbell Rings]
Hmm. Who could that be?

You expecting
someone special?

- [Door Opens]
- Thank you.

Flowers too?
I'm sorry.

Oh, what are you
apologizing for?
They're gorgeous.

That's too much.
With the View-Master
and the bracelet...

and the flowers
and the balloons-

They're attached
to your car.

I just don't want you
to feel bad...

about your little...

Wait a minute.
You- You thought the coupons
were your only present?

Are you kidding me?
They aren't?

No! Oh, Phil, come on.
It's our anniversary.

Those coupons were just,
like, a fun little way
to kick off the day.

Your real present
is coming tonight,
and you're gonna love it.

Love it.


I got nothing.

I'm so screwed.

Oh, this place brings back
so many memories.

- Oh, my God!
- Sal!

Get up! Get up!
Get in here! Big bear!

Oh, my baby cub!

Oh, my God.
Look at you.

- Oh! You guys notice
anything different?
- Your hair's longer, right?

Did you get
your teeth bleached?

No. Let me give you
a little hint. Ba-boobs!

Oh, my God.
Oh, wow.
Those are sensational.

I know, right?
You wanna touch 'em?

I'm gay, not dead.
Are you okay with this?

Yeah. You're drinking
a passion-fruit daiquiri.
I'll be fine.

Okay, get in there.
I'm coming in.

♪♪ [Gloria Singing Loudly
In Spanish]

So, Lily likes that,
that... singing?

- Yes. It relaxes her.
- Oh, okay.

♪♪ [Continues]

So Lily's deaf.

[Doorbell Rings]

- [Door Opens]
- There are my little stinkers.

Hi, Grandpa.

Come on in.

Hola, hola.

Well, hello there, Haley.

Take it down
a notch, Jethro.

So, you guys ready
for some fun?


I love you, Grandpa,
and I'm never gonna
forget you.

Okay, okay.
Back at ya, champ.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is a pajama party.
Where's your p.j.'s?

Yeah, they're in my bag.
I need to talk to you
about something.

- She wants to go to a party
with Dylan, Grandpa.
- Shut up, Alex.

It's at my friend
Andrew Adler's. He lives
three blocks from here.

Oh. Walking distance.

So I wouldn't ask you this,
because I love coming
to your house,

but it's kind of an
important party, and I-

Somebody invites you over,
the last thing you wanna do
is insult them.

- Exactly.
- I'm glad we agree.

Oh, my God.

That was so easy.
This is awesome.

You really
don't understand what just
happened there, do you?

P.j.'s on, Haley!

Um, I would be happy
to let her change in my room.

[Doorbell Rings]

Who could that be?
Are you expecting
someone special?

What did you do?

Nothing. I just know
that there's someone
at the door.

- Rock on, Phil Dunphy.
- Bam! Read it and weep, Phil.

It's the Iz.

- [Phil] Who?
- Izzy LaFontaine
from Spandau Ballet.

Dizzy Dontaine
from Spa- Hey.
He's got it now.

He's got it. He's just
seriously freaking out.

Phil loves Spandau Ballet.

That song "True"
was playing in the car
the first time we kissed.

It's our song.
So I did some research,

found out that the lead guitarist
lives, like, 40 miles from here.

He was in the phone book.
How '80s is that?

I never liked
Spandau Ballet.

Our entire marriage,
I never once
mentioned Spandau Ballet.

Am I even
pronouncing that right?

Here to play
a private concert for us
is the guitarist-

Bass player, actually.
And lead singer-

Well, backup, backup.
Of Spandau Ballet.

Between Richard Miller
and Martin Kemp.
Oh, those guys.


I miss you two guys
so much.

So, so much. To us.

To us.
To us, the Three
Musketeers. Whoo!

- Cabo!
- What?

Seriously, you bastards.
We've been talking
about it forever.

We're doing it.
We're going to Cabo.
Let's do it. Let's do it.

All right. Let's go.
Yeah. Yes. Yes.
That would be fun.

Fun? Are you joking?

you guys, these guys.

It's gonna be epic.
Yeah, but we need
to find someone for Lily.

Okay, okay. Um,

how much are you gonna
pay me to go make out
with the waitress?

All right.
Now, wait. Which one?
The old one or the young one?

- Ooh.
- Ten for the young one,
20 for the old.

I am about to make 30 bucks.

I'm just gonna go check
on Lily real quick.
Right now?

Yeah. It'll just
take a second.
Well, I'm just-

You're gonna miss me
sluttin' it up with Driving Miss Daisy.

It'll just take a second.
Real fast.

You should kill that baby.

- What?
- You should call the baby.

I love you guys so much.

Did she just-
I'm scared.

I got nothing.
I think I have
a very good pair.

You sure do, honey.
And I got squat.

I don't think
I have anything either.

Are you kidding me?
That's a straight.

She wins.

You won.

I win.
You got it, Haley.

You know what?
I think I deserve a soda.

- [Manny] Good job, Haley.
- [Alex] Did you see that?

"I don't know how to play."
[Alex] She didn't even know.

You know, she deserves it.

Hi, honey.

Gee, you scared me.
How did you-

Lightbulb went out. You
don't change these right away,
you never get around to it.

There. Now I can see everything
that goes on around here.

I've had a little
practice at this.

Haley wasn't throwing
anything at me
I hadn't seen before...

from her mother
and then some.

But nobody
gets off The Rock.

Right. Here's a track.
Wasn't so popular in America.

Got to number six on
the Netherlands charts though.

That whole summer
I couldn't walk to
the corner in Amsterdam...

without mobs of birds
coming up and asking me
for the double bubble.

Okay, just play it, I think.

♪♪ [Bass]
He's- He's awesome, honey.

You're welcome.
♪ Tonight ♪

♪ So right ♪

♪ Lover ♪
Hey, Phil, I think your lover
wants a kiss from you.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, come on, man.
She's not your sister.
Give her a proper snog.

- [Chuckles]
- [Laughs]

Oh! Oh.
♪♪ [Stops]

- Oh.
- [Claire] You all right?

That's a bad joke. Not funny.
My sister lost her feet to
complications from diabetes.

Okay. Can I get you
some water there, guy, or-

- Yeah.
- No. You got tea?

Yes, of course.
I'II get that.

You don't miss a minute.

Oh, God. Why did-
You know, look
at what I'm doing.

I'm- I'm making it
all about me. What a downer.

It's your evening.
Let's make it great, man.

- Name your playlist. I'll do it all.
- Oh, um, just the classics.

- Let's play the hits.
- We'll get to the hits, obviously.

Go to the back catalog, man.
Favorite B-side.

That's fun. Yeah, that's fun.
Uh, just- I'm so bad with titles.

- Hum it.
- ♪♪ [Humming]

- ♪ Tonight ♪
- I just did that one, didn't I? Yeah.

That's why it's in the noodle.
So I guess-

♪♪ [Humming]

- No. What album is that on?
- Second. I wanna say second.

- What's on the cover?
- There's a warlock, I think,
or a seascape.

Oh. Millennium Sunrise.

Millennium Sunrise.
Right. There is
no Millennium Sunrise record.

What- What?
You're not a Fandau.

You didn't even know
who I was at the door.
I saw it in your eyes.

Please don't say anything
to Claire. She made a mistake.
Am I being punk'd?

This means so much to her,
and I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

Her feelings? Well,
what about my feelings?
This is my career, man.

You know, my music
was the soundtrack
to people's lives.

Now I'm nothing.
How do you think that feels?
This is really humiliating.

No, no, no.
Don't go. Don't go.

Hey. What are
you guys doing?

He let me touch it!

Yeah, I think she
said "kill," Cam. I do.

Maybe it was just a joke.
She's always had
a dark sense of humor.

That's true.
Remember her Halloween costume?

When she came
as Siegfried
and part of Roy.

It was too soon.
Yeah. Yeah.
This was just a joke.

Yes. Yeah. Here she comes.
I'm gonna bring up Lily.
We'll see what she says.

Show her some pictures.
Pay up, bitches.

Whoa. More drinks.

- Free drinks.
- Wow.

Sal, you've got to look
at these pictures.
What are they?

It's Lily
at the zoo.
Oh, cute.

Look at that one.
Cute! Cute.
Cutie, cutie, cute, et cetera.

So you guys are gonna have
to bring Lily to Cabo,

now that you're the guys
that always bring Lily?

Well, you know-
Yeah, probably.

- I will throw her in the ocean.
- What?

I said I gotta go pee.

Okay, that wasn't
even close.

I mean, what do we do?
Do we say something?
How do we even bring it up?

She threatened our child,
and that's your concern- a segue?

You know what this is?

This is
first-child syndrome.

It's where the first child is happy,
and then the second child
comes along,

and the first child gets
jealous of the second child
and starts acting out.

Yes. That's brilliant,
except Sal's not our child, so-

Well, think about it.
We've practically
done everything for her.

We've held her
when she's cried.

We've carried her
when she couldn't walk.

We've done everything
but potty-train her.
Um- Hey, guys.


- I was thinking- Oh.
- Oh. Sorry.

When we go to Cabo,
we have to find a hotel
with a swim-up bar,

'cause this going back
and forth to the bathroom
is a fool's game.

Okay, let's get
more drinks.
Sal, we got to talk.

- It's about Lily.
- Oh, shocker.

Do you think
it's at all possible...

that maybe- maybe
you're jealous of her?

What? What?
It's just-

I don't know.
I don't- Where-
Why would you say that?

Well, because you won't
look at any pictures
of her...

and you talked
about killing her and
throwing her in the ocean.

Okay, that was a joke,
you guys. Come on.

Fine. Show me
the pictures of Yoko.

See, it's-

It's a joke. You guys! Come on.
'Cause she's Asian,
and she broke up our group.

I- I just- Look,
let's at least acknowledge that
things have changed between us.

And you know what? Because
Lily's here doesn't mean
we love you any less.

No. Absolutely not.
What's wrong?

We used to be really close,
and you used to call me a lot.
And now you never call me.

Well, but we-

And last week
I had a really bad dream,

and I was thinking,
"Okay, I'm gonna call them."

And then I thought,
"Oh, no, you can't call them...

because you might
wake up their baby."

You can always call.
Oh, honey, always call us.

No. I'm sorry
we haven't been there.
We're here now, okay?

[Mouths Words]
[Mouths Words]


Feel better?
I think you just
put a little-

[Sal Groans]


Did she just fall asleep?
I wish Lily
would fall asleep like that.

Give her eight shots of tequila.

♪♪ [Gloria Singing]

I don't understand
why she's not falling asleep.

I have a theory.
I got the movie.

Manny, why don't you
go fire up some popcorn?

You looking for these?

You took my shoes?
No, I took your freedom.

Sorry, kid.
It ain't your night.
Why are you being like this?

I just wanted
to go to that party
for, like, two hours.

I would've been back by now.
Would that have killed you?

She's just like her mother.

Why are you
treating Haley like this?

Me? She's the one
acting like a pill.

You're taking this
too personally.

When I was Haley's age,
I loved my grandfather,

but I still wanted
to go to parties
and be with boys.

I know. I know.
So did Claire... and Mitchell.

But you know what?
You try to put something
over on me, you're gonna lose.

So, what? Now you're gonna
make this into a big game?

I'm trying to keep 'em
around a little bit longer, that's all.

I mean, who knows
how many nights like this
I got left?

I miss you already.
What's wrong
with this kid tonight?

Go in the kitchen
and help out the guys,
and I'll be right in.

It's great that you
wanna spend time
with your granddaughter,

but is this really the way?

You're a good abuelo.

She's upstairs.
I know.


Get up.

You're here to take Haley
to the party, right?

She's in the house.

How did you know
I was here?

This is how I first met Phil.

Thanks again, Grandpa.
We'II be back by 11:00.

- I will track you down.
- I believe that.

- What's that smell?
- Sloppy jays. Help yourself.

There's plenty left.
Oh. Sloppy jays
because your name's Jay.

Right on.

Can't believe she's into this guy.

If you want,
I'll fix you a plate.

Yeah, definitely.
That'd be great.
But what about the party?

We can go in just a minute.
Just let-

Oh, no way.
The Gunfighter.
I love this movie.

Dylan, the party.

Oh. But... cowboys.

Don't fight it, Haley.
They never grow up.

I'm going to the kitchen
for an espresso.

Anybody need anything?
No, thanks.


Two, three, four.

♪ Ah, ha-ha, ha-ah ♪

The year was 1991.

America was immersed
in Desert Storm.

♪ Ah, ha-ha, ha-ah ♪

Meanwhile, stateside,
another storm was brewing...

in my heart.

This is stupid, isn't it?
This is-

- Is it stupid, Phil?
- No. Just keep- keep going, Claire.

- It's wonderful.
- Okay.

♪ Ah, ha-ha, ha-ah ♪
After a romantic dinner
at Fratelli's,

a certain nervous young couple
shared their first kiss...

as the radio played this song.

♪ So true ♪

♪ Funny how it seems ♪

♪ Always in time ♪

♪ But never in line
for dreams ♪

♪ Head over heels ♪

♪ When toe to toe ♪

♪ This is the sound of- ♪
You know what?

No. No. Sorry.
Sorry. Not gonna do it.

Yes. Yes.
What's wrong?

- What's going on?
- Do you even know
the name of this song?



This is false. See?

I'm not gonna play "True"
for someone who's false.

See, he doesn't-
He doesn't even
know the band.

He's not a fan,
a Fandau.
Yes, he does know the band.

'Cause this is our song.
You love this song.
Tell him this is our song.

- Right. Tell him, Phil.
- It's not our song, Claire.

Our song is "If You Leave"
by Orchestral Manoeuvres
in the Dark.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.
I sang it at our wedding.

Oh, I'm an idiot.

Well, actually, he's the idiot.
He fell in love to a break-up song.

Ignore him.
This is beautiful. I love it.
I hate this. I hate this.

You're so sweet and nice,
and I can't even give you...

a decent
anniversary present.

I love you so much,
and I feel you just
are never gonna know it.

I know it. I know it. Yes.
You do know it?

You do?
And this is an awesome gift.

You know why?

You just gave us a new song.

Sort of brought you
back together, eh?

Sort of. Yeah.

Rekindled fires
of a dying passion?

Shot a ray of hope
into this gloomy
suburban lie?

All right, buddy.
Just play it, lzzy.

♪ Ah, ha-ha, ha-ah ♪
For you, Claire.

♪ I know this ♪

♪ Much is true ♪

♪ Ah, ha-ha, ha-ah ♪

♪ I know this ♪

♪ Much is true ♪♪

[Man On TV]
Okay, partner.

I knew Mr. Frazzlebottom wasn't
gonna pass up a free one.

She is so sweet.
Isn't she?

Like a little angel.

Let me hold her.

Oh, thank God.

[Man On TV]
Why don't you button up
your britches and go home?