Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - En Garde - full transcript

- [Whistle Blows]
- [Buzzer Sounds]

[Cheering]
Bravo! Bravo!

[Whistle Blows]

- [Buzzer Sounds]
- Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo, Manny!
Bravo!

Well, when I heard Manny
wanted to fence, I was, like,

"Sure. Uncoordinated kid, lethal weapon.
How can this go wrong?"

[Whistle Blows]
[Buzzer Sounds]

[Gloria]
What do you think now?

I'm proud of our little Zorro.
I worked with him a little,
but the kid's got skills.



It's in his blood.
His father was
a master swordsman.

He was an artist
with his sword.

I mean, the way
he throws the sword.

I mean,
he was legendary.

You know this nice moment
I'm having with your son?

You're kind of wrecking it.
Sorry.

- [Whistle Blows]
- [Buzzer Sounds]

Did you know that fencing
goes back to the 12th century?

You know what's even
nerdier than fencing?
Knowing when it began.

I don't think
you're a nerd, Alex.
Shut up, dork.

All right.
That's my boy!

Would this be easier...

if we suspended you
from a crane?

[Cameron]
Αny monkey
can shoot a home movie.



I pride myself on
shooting home films.

But, Cameron, you always just
take things a little too far.
No, I don't.

Okay, your nephew's
first birthday.
That's not fair.

You brought a wind machine.
To be fair,
my vision was-

Cameron, you brought
a wind machine.

Who puts wheels on cribs?

[Whistle Blows]
[Buzzer Sounds]

[Shouting In Spanish]

¡Ay! Sorry. Sorry.
[Laughs]

That's okay.

No. No, no, no, no!
My phone died.

No biggie.
Your battery probably just
statically defracticated.

What?

It means you can recharge it
with static electricity.

Just rub it on your hair.

[Buzzer Sounds]
[Jay]
Yes!

You know, I used to go
to the houses of my friends,
I'd see their kids' trophies,

and it used to bug me, you know,
because there was never
a trophy in my house.

Not until this one.
[Laughs]

[Phil]
Oh, that's a good grip.
[Buzzer Sounds]

[Chuckles]
Can we switch seats?

Cam, people are staring.
[Whistle Blows]

I know you're
not supposed to care,

but it's kind of cool to
have a kid in your house
who's the best at something.

You know what I mean?
[Buzzer Sounds]

[Applause]

Yeah, our kids are great.
They're the greatest.

Gosh, we're blessed.
We are. But, um,

are they the best
at something?

I'd have to
think about that.

Well, Alex is great at every
single thing she tries,

so, you know,
she'll find her specialty.
She will.

And Haley is-

Haley is so pretty.

Gorgeous,
gorgeous girl.
Oh, gosh.

So she can meet someone
who's the best at something.
That's right.

And then, uh,
I guess that leaves Luke.

We dropped the ball
a little bit on that one.
Yeah, a little bit.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

[Whistle Blows]
[Buzzer Sounds]

Bravo!

How about a nice round
of applause for our winner,
Manny Delgado.

Manny now moves on
to the championship,

where he'll be competing
against Caroline Markum.

We'll see you
all back here at 4:30.

- All right.
- [Gloria] Bravo.
[Speaking Spanish]

What she said.

[Laughs]
Wow. This means more to Dad
than it does to Manny.

Yeah, it's his chance to be
father of a champion.
Well, second chance.

We all know how
the first time went.
Did I say something wrong?

No, no. I'm- I'm
very happy for Manny.

Everything's always
about Claire. Geez.

I wanna thank you guys
for coming by
and supporting the kid.

You guys are the best!
[Chuckles]
Why, Claire?

[Mitchell]
Really?

That took a while.
She's been asleep
for 20 minutes.

It just took me
some time to sneak out
without waking her up.

Kind of like the first time
you slept over here.

I had a meeting.

All right.
Let's talk about why you
got your panties in a bunch.

What's up with you
and your sister?

Nothing is up.
Mm-hmm.

Or could this have something
to do with... ice skating?

- When Mitchell and Claire were kids-
- This is interesting to no one.

Excuse, please.
Let me finish. Thank you.

When Mitchell was 10-
Eleven.

And Claire was 13, they were
competitive ice dancers-
Figure skaters!

Oh, for God's sakes,
I'll tell the story. Yes,

my sister and I were
actually a very good team.

We were called "Fire and Nice."

I was Fire,
because of the red hair,
and Claire was Nice,

because it was ironic
and she wasn't.

And Mitchell is still upset
because Claire quit the team
right before some meet.

"Some meet."
The 13-and-under
regional championships.

Just the Emerald City at the end
of my yellow brick road.

Wow. You did it.
What?

You made figure skating
sound even gayer.

So, seeing your dad
so proud of Manny...

didn't stir up any resentment?

Mm-mmm.
Oh.

Okay, fine. You always do this.
Instead of letting your feelings out,
you bury them,

and then they bubble up
later in hurtful ways.
Okay, you know what? Yes.

All right, listen.
I might still be holding
a little resentment, but that's...

embarrassing and petty
and it's not a good color on me.

It's kind of like
you and yellow.

You love me in my yellow shirt.

It makes you
look like the sun.

Bubbling.
Hurtful bubbling.

- Now you know why
I left early that morning.
- Ha!

I knew you didn't
have a meeting, Cam.
I knew it.

[Dog Barks In Distance]

There must be something wrong
with this phone.

I've rubbed it on my head
for, like, an hour.

What? Alex.

- [Chuckles]
- Oh, you're such a geek.

At least I didn't
give myself a bald spot.

Oh, my God! Mom!

Alex, don't be mean.
Haley, stop making yourself
such an easy target.

This feels right, buddy.
I'm telling you,
this feels right.

What are you guys doing?
Pursuing excellence.

We make a list of areas the boy
might excel at and... baseball.
Love it.

Yeah. I read it only takes
10,000 hours to achieve
excellence.

You've already got, what,
how many hours playing ball?

Well, I played, like,
one season, so, like,
6,000 hours?

Yeah. I can see why
you ruled out math.

[Claire]
Yeah, of course
I want Luke to be successful.

But I don't think that
a parent can just force that.

I think you just have to
have faith that the kid's
gonna find his own way.

Besides, Luke already is
the best at something-
being my son.

[Chuckles]

It sounded a lot less
lame in my head.

I have got a good feeling
about this.

This is gonna be
your sport.

Last year, you said
basketball was my sport.

Look, I've said a lot of things
I wish I could take back
but I can't.

What I can do...

is be the dad you
need me to be to help you
become masterful.

You wanna be masterful?
I guess.

There's my killer!
Okay.

Our journey of 10,000 hours...

begins with a single pitch.

I believe in my boy.

I ain't gonna quit you.

Let's burn one in here.

That's good.
That's a good start.

Okay, you rest that cannon
while I run this down, okay?

Okay, let's keep
all the batters right here.

Oh, should've-
should've worn my cup.
Should've worn my cup.

Home run!

This one's
really in here, buddy.

[Exhaling]

Okay. Very, very, very,
very good first hour.

Toss me your glove.
I'll put some oil on it.

Yeah.

¡Ay, abuela, es que
lo que yo te diga es poco!

Esto hubiera sido
la locura en Barranquilla.

No, es que tú no sabes.
¡Mejor que su padre!

Bueno, hasta luego, porque
aquí ya llegó Jay. Adiós.
[Phone Beeps]

Everything okay?
Yes.

I was telling my grandmother
how great was Manny today.

So that wasn't angry talk?
No, silly.
That was happy talk.

I'm beginning to understand
why there's so much conflict
on your continent.

Here. Check this out.

Ah, Jay.
[Chuckles]

Jay loves to make T-shirts
for special occasions.

Come on, baby.
Show them.

A few years back,
my granddaughter Haley ran a 5K,
so I had a few of these made up.

It's just fun.
[Chuckles]

I love it when you're
so proud of Manny.
You know, I'm not gonna lie.

Seeing him out there
slicing those kids to pieces,
you know, it gets to ya.

- Gracias, mi amor.
- I'm sorry to interrupt.

It's okay, papi.
Hey, champ! I got
a little something for you.

And I have something
for you. Here.

I will not be
needing it anymore.

- But the finals?
- I am retired.

[Birds Chirping]
[Jay]
Wait, wait, wait.

You can't retire.

- It's just not fun anymore.
- Well, that's probably just
butterflies.

Come on. You're gonna be fine.

Look, if he doesn't want to,
it's his decision.

Ah, the hell it is.

He shouldn't be doing anything
that makes him nervous.
Papi, I support you.

I'm not nervous.
I just don't want to
fight a girl.

What?

Defeating a woman will be
a mark on my honor.
[Gloria] Why?

Because men are always
so superior to woman?

- Uh-
- Uh, uh.

So superior that you cannot
even finish your sentence?

Dude.

Manny, you always call
yourself the lover of women,

but if you don't compete
with this girl,

you're showing me
and all the woman that
you don't respect us.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so,
take back your sword...

- and go fight this girl like a bull.
- Okay.

Can't hear you!
Okay!

- I can't hear you!
- That's really as loud
as I can go.

What does it take
to make a great salesman?
It's no big secret.

You just follow the ABC's
of salesmanship-
Always Be Closing.

Don't Ever Forget
Great Home Ideas Just
Keep Lurking, Mostly Nearby.

Often People Question
Realtors' Sincerity.

Take Umbrage.
Violators Will-

Oh, shoot. X- X-

And this is
the great room,

although "great" hardly
seems to do a room
like this justice.

Weird, squiggly painting
not included.

I actually love it.
I do too.
It's really beautiful.

Um, all custom built-ins,
and you will notice just-

just tons of natural light,
so that's great.

Did I need the sale? Yes.
Was I worried? No.

Why? Because.
Because why?

Because I won't sell anything
I don't believe in.

And when I believe,
you believe.

I could sell a fur coat
to an Eskimo.

Yeah, Phil, I'm sorry.
It's a beautiful house.

But I'm just not sure how
kid-friendly it is, and we
have two small children.

I mean,
these stairs alone-
Dad, this place is awesome.

Not now, Luke.
Did you see the backyard?
It's got room for 10 tree houses.

And the bedroom's got
a window on the ceiling.
I wish we could live here.

- I wish you'd go back
out to the patio where-
- Do you really?

Oh, yeah. Our house sucks
compared to this one.

- Hmm.
- It really does.

[Phil Chuckles]
There you are.

I'm gonna get changed
and then we'll go back
to Manny's match, okay?

Dad doesn't want me to go.
What? Why?

Remember when
you were all worried
that our son's a dud?

Okay. That's not exactly
the way I remember it.

Turns out he's a natural.

At what?
At selling.

Hey, titans of
residential real estate.

That's right, I'm talking
to you, Sandy Brewster,
Skip Woosnum, J.J. McCubbin.

Hear those footsteps?
That's Luke Dunphy, and he's
gonna drink your milk shake.

That's amazing.

Right?
Incredible.

So, the buyer's coming back
in an hour with her husband,
and I need him.

I am telling you,
that kid is a genius.

There's the rainmaker.

- Why is your iPod in your mouth?
- I'm charging it.

Alex. Alex!

So, there's no part of you
that wants to clear the air
with your sister?

Nope.
Okay, fine. That's your family's
way. I'll respect that.

But you should know,
it's hard on the people
who love you.

Cam-
We feel the tension. We hear
the words that cut like knives.

Hey, guys!
I brought orange slices.

Okay, you know what?
I can't bear this.

Claire, Mitchell still resents
you for quitting the figure
skating team when you were kids.

Ladies, come inside with me,
please. Work it out. Come on.

Thanks, Cam.
Is he serious?

Is that what your little jab
was about this morning?
Okay. No. Yes. Okay, yes. Yes.

I guess I'm still a little angry.
But, you know, you stole
my moment, Claire.

Yeah, 21 years ago.
Okay, but it
doesn't matter to you...

because you had
your own moments.

You had cheerleading and
high school plays and making out
with the quarterback.

You made out with him too.
Yeah, but we had to
keep it a secret.

You shouldn't have quit.
It was selfish.
You wanna know why I quit?

I quit to protect you.
From what?

Glory? Fame?
Press conferences? What?
Come on. I was bigger than you.

I was bigger than you,
and I was afraid you wouldn't
be able to lift me.

You were dropping me
in practice-
I dropped you twice.

And I didn't want you to
humiliate yourself in front
of all those people.

Three times.
You dropped me all the time.
[Sighs]

Come on. Could you just
forgive me and move on?
[Exhales]

Of course.
Yes, yes. Yes, of-
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh. This must seem
so petty, huh?

Well, it's a little silly,
but we all have our thing,
don't we?

I'm just glad you're
getting it out of you.

Are you trying to lift me? You are.
You're trying to lift me. Oh!

Stay focused, stay loose
and stay angry.

Who's the toughest?
I am.

Who's the bravest?
I am.

Who's the baddest?

Can you guys ask all
the questions now so I don't
have to keep lifting this?

Go.
Go get 'em!

There we go.
You all set?
Yeah.

Okay, go get 'em.
Good luck.

Excuse me.
Is this seat taken?
No. Sit.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, is Manny yours?
Yes.

Oh, he's quite good.
I saw him earlier.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Is she your little girl?
Oh, Caroline?
No. No.

Sadly, her parents
passed away.

I'm her nurse down at
the children's hospital.

But all of my patients
are like family to me.

[Laughing]
[Man] Well, our boys
are enjoying themselves.

Yeah. I can talk about crown
moldings and recessed lighting
until the cows come home,

but nothing compares with
that sound right there.
[Footsteps Approaching]

[Thud]
Ow! Ow!

Oh. Hey, buddy.
Oh, he's fine.
Ow.

My foot.
I think it's backwards.

It's not backwards.
[Man]
Wh-What happened?

[Luke]
It's the stupid floors!
They're too slippery.

Oak. Also known
as nature's pillow.

It's like ice.
Now, let's not start
blaming the floors.

You shouldn't
have been running.
I saw a ghost.

Ghosts. Hey, Phil Dunphy.
Okay, that's me.

That's acting like
a natural shoehorn.

Okay. Probably better all
take our shoes off for this part
of the tour. Follow me.

She's our little miracle.

Oh. I only wish her father had
made it back from Afghanistan
to see this.

[Clattering]
Oh, there's
our cheering section.

Over here, you guys.
Hi.

Oh, my God.
We have to stop him.

[Mouthing Words]

Maybe I can pull
the fire alarm.

[Whistle Blows]
Expect no mercy.

Bring it on, big boy.

- [Whistle Blows]
- I'm-I'm glad Dad's
proud of Manny. I am.

I just- It would have
been nice to see him
that proud of us.

By us, I mean me.
[Scoffs]

And you sincerely
thought that the path
to Dad's approval...

was going to be through
figure skating?

Mitchell,
I am fairly confident that
Dad's proudest moment...

was when you finally took off
the flame-red unitard.

I am not claiming that
any of this is rational.

I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry
for being such a pill, okay?

Um, actually, I always felt
very guilty for quitting.

I know how much
you loved figure skating.

I never really loved skating.

Uh, what?

Um, all right, this is
gonna sound a little gay.

But, um, when-when
you and I skated together,

you weren't the mean
older sister and I wasn't
the clingy little brother.

We were-
We were a team, and-

Well, let's face it,
we've kind of grown apart
in the past few years.

And with Mom and Dad's divorce,
we were on opposing sides.

And I- I just-
I miss being on your team.

That's...

a little gay.
There we go.

Claire,
where are you going?

Claire?

No way.

Get up.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

[Exhales]

Don't drop me.

[Whistle Blows]
[Buzzer Sounds]

[Whistle Blows]

[Buzzer Sounds]
[All Groan]

[Whistle Blows]

[Buzzer Sounds]
Put it away or lose it.

[Whistle Blows]

[Buzzer Sounds]
[Spectators Groan]

Somebody's got to put
a stop to this.

That's it, Mitchell.

[Whistle Blows]

[Buzzer Sounds]
[People Groan]

So, can we take you
and Caroline out
for ice cream?

We can't.
She's diabetic.

Of course she is.

[Man] A round of applause
for our winner, Manny Delgado.
[Scattered Applause]

Let's get out of here.
Get this thing in the trunk.

I can't decide
if I'm feeling more proud
or mortified.

How about now?

[Jay]
We tell our kids it doesn't
matter if you win or lose,

but let's be honest.

Winning feels pretty great.

There's nothing like that
golden moment in the sun.

I think every parent probably
wants that for their child.
[Laughs]

And maybe a little bit
for ourselves too.

[Laughing]
Sometimes we push too hard.

And that leads to a lot
of resentment and guilt.
Yes! Yes!

So, how much is too much?
Here's where I come out.

Guilt fades.

Hardware is forever.

You're mad, aren't you?
I'm not mad.

Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.

You're a little jealous.
I'm happy for the two of you.

All right, come on.
We'll do one. Stay there.

For real?
Yep.

Feel better?
Yeah. Oh, do me now.
Come on.

What are you talking about?

Are you serious?

- Cam, no.
- [Thud]

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