Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Fizbo - full transcript

[Siren Wailing In Distance]

Do we know anything?
No. They're in there now
with the doctor.

We're lucky though.
The paramedics said it
could have been a lot worse.

My God,
how did this even happen?

There he is.
Big day's coming up.

- What do you want
for your birthday, big dog?
- It's okay. I'm good.

Come on. Sky's the limit.
Dream big, my boy.

- Well, I guess
I could use a belt.
- A belt?

Yeah, you're right.
I don't need it.

Extension cord
works pretty good.

[Exhales]



Every year, Luke's birthday falls
right around Thanksgiving,

and so it gets lost
in the holiday shuffle.

One year we forgot completely,
and we had to improvise
a cake of stuffing.

Which, by the way, he was fine with.
He's one of those kids,

you get him a gift
and all he wants to do
is play with the box.

Yeah, one year we actually
just got him a box,
a really nice box.

And we made the mistake
of putting it in a gift bag.

So he played
with the gift bag.

We can't get it right.
No.

- I feel terrible.
We gotta do something.
- Oh, yeah.

Um, well, you know,
the family is gonna be
together for Thanksgiving...

for the first time in
I don't even know how long.

I am so with you.
We should blow this out...

and throw Luke
the best birthday party of all time.



Yes. Yes. And we'll order
a whole bunch of pizzas...

and set up
an arts and crafts table.

- A what?
- A crafts table.

You know, where everybody
gathers around and they
make stuff, and then bam!

- They got their own party favor.
- [Snores]

Sorry. I fell asleep
while you were describing
the most boring party ever.

[Chuckles]

Ow!

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

See you in a few hours.
Yeah. Thanks again
for the karaoke machine.

- I'll get it back to you
right after the party.
- That'd be great.

[Whispers] Please don't.
I beg you. Don't bring it back.
Okay.

Hey, Phil. Are, uh, you
getting a clown for today?

Oh, no. Luke's not
much of a clown fan.

- Really?
- Yeah. He never liked 'em.

- Has he ever seen a good one?
- Has- Has anyone? [Chuckles]

Really. So anyway,
thanks again.

Okay. Yep.
See you later.

- No clown? No- No clown?
- Let it go.

Who throws a party
without a clown?

Since the late '30s,
I'd say most people.

You know what?
We haven't gotten Luke
a present yet.

- Maybe a clown
could be our present.
- Cameron. Cameron.

If Phil and Claire
wanted to get Luke a clown,
they would've.

This is not our party.
But-

This is not our party.
But I just-

Fine. What would you suggest
we get him then, hmm?

Get him a gift card.

A gift card?
Yeah.

Who hurt you?

Hey, Gloria, you got any idea
how to wrap one of these things?

Is that a crossbow?
Yeah. Am I the greatest grandpa
in the world or what?

We can't give Luke a crossbow.

He pokes himself in the eye...

every time he uses a straw.

Are you kidding?
I had one when I was his age.

My dad used to give me a quarter
for every crow I bagged.

And I used to have a machete.
But times have changed.

It'll be fine.
I'll teach him how to use it.

Hey, pal, how's it going?
Am I charming?

- Oh, boy.
- Of course you're charming.

- Who said you were not charming?
- No one.

But there's a girl in my school,
and I want her to like me.

- I need your advice, Jay.
- Really?

- She's gonna be at Luke's party.
- Well, I'm a little thrown.

I mean,
you don't usually come
to me for advice.

Well, this is one area
in which you've done
pretty well.

He has a point.

I've tried everything
to get her attention-

opening doors, having a milk
sent over in the cafeteria.

Nothing's worked.
Here's the deal.

Girls don't go
for all that romantic stuff.

They go for power and success.

And since you don't have
either one of those things,
you're gonna be the funny guy.

No, no, no.
I want the most dangerous
reptile you've got.

I have an iguana
that eats crickets.

That'd be scary
if it was a birthday party
for crickets.

Seriously, Jungle Tanya,
I need you step it up a notch.

Is there anything
that scares the cocoa
out of you?

Uh, not really.
I do have a bearded dragon.

Ooh. Does it-
No, it does not breathe fire.

Well, then we're back
to square one, aren't we?

[Sighs]

I couldn't get Luke
out of my mind.

I know I made
a promise to Mitchell,

but some things
are bigger than promises.

Fizbo would be at that party.

[Inhales]
Hello, old friend.

It all happened so fast.

I keep thinking there was
something I could've done.

No, don't blame yourself.
Who could've possibly
seen it coming?

[Claire] Sweetie, that's
a rock wall. Is that even safe?
[Hydraulics Whirring]

Oh, my God.
[Phil]
Honey, relax.

Hey, has anyone
ever gotten hurt
on one of these things?

I don't know, man.
It's my first day.
See?

They wouldn't let
the new guy do it if it-

That did not make me
feel better.
Don't worry.

I signed, like,
a hundred releases.

When did we decide all this?
I think it's too much.

See, I knew you'd say that.
That's why I didn't tell you.

So just relax.
Grab a snow cone.

- There's a snow cone machine?
- Yeah.

Mom, just so you know,
Dylan cannot have mayonnaise.

That's random.
Why are you
telling me that?

'Cause he's coming
to the party.
Is that absolutely necessary?

Yes, because she can't
go 10 minutes without her
boyfriend's tongue in her mouth.

It's like he's feeding
a baby bird.
Don't be so jealous.

I'm sure you'll meet someone
super hot at computer camp.

Girls.
Hey. Hey.

- So, what you got there?
- Oh. These are supplies
for the crafts table.

I finally figured out
what we're gonna be making.

Kids bored? [Chuckles]
I'm teasing. I'm teasing.

It looks good.
What is it?
Comb sheaths.

I know. I know.

But we made them
when I was 11 years old
at Donna Rigby's birthday party.

At first we thought
it was really stupid,
and then we had a blast, so-

How could you not?
You combined the two things
that kids love the most-

combs and sheaths.

I'm kidding!

Where's my comb? Oh!

Here it is
in my incredibly convenient
beaded comb sheath...

that I made at Luke's
awesome birthday party.

Hole in one, Mrs. Dunphy.

Hole in one.

I'm home.

I got Luke a video game,
but it's about math.

So I guess
we're those kind of uncles.

Cam.

Don't be mad.

Oh. Cam. Uh-

I've known I wanted
to be a clown...

since I found out clowns
were just people
with makeup.

Um, as a matter of fact,
by the time I was a teenager,

if I wasn't in school or fishin',
I was clownin'.

There are four types
of clowns-

a tramp, an Auguste,
a whiteface and a character.

I am a classically trained
Auguste clown named Fizbo.

What?
N-Nothing.

Between the clownin'
and the fishin',

I'm surprised you had time
for the schoolin'.

Aw, and there's the fifth type-
the sad clown.

Sad clown is a tramp.
So there's still only four types.

[Mouths Word]

Cam, I thought
we discussed this.

We did.
But I- I started thinking.

And this isn't about you or me.
This is about a little boy
who deserves some happiness.

And he's gonna get that
from his weird gay
clown uncle?

Fizbo is not gay.
He's asexual.

Oh.
He's an innocent
whose only drive...

is to bring people
joy and laughter
and balloon animals.

He's- He's the least
sexual being on earth.
Oh.

Oh, okay. Well, at least
we agree on something.
Yeah.

Oh.

[Kids Shouting]
If this tape
is found in the future,

this is how we humans
celebrated birthdays.
[Luke] Hey, Dad!

Yeah, there's my boy.
Zip-line extreme-

[Grunting]

I'm okay.
I'm good. I'm good.

Lesson learned.
Don't stand- Don't stand there.

Let's go ahead
and rope this area off.
Excellent. Thank you.

Hey, buddy, you having fun?

Yeah. And I love
my new belt.

[Claire]
Hey, Luke. Look.

Do you wanna make
a comb sheath?

- A what?
- It's a cool leather holder
for your comb.

And you can decorate it.
I've got beads and glitter
and all kinds of stuff.

Do you want to?
Nah. I'm gonna do
the rock wall.

Okay, honey.
It's your day.

Honey, let me know
if you get low on supplies.

I'll make a quick run back
to the 1950s for you.

[Yells]
Oh!
Again?

Seriously, zip-line guys,
use some ropes.

[Cameron]
Did you remember to switch
the whites to the dryer?

Oh, no. I forgot.
They're gonna smell musty.

I know. I'm sorry.
I'll pump.

No, no, no. I'll do it.
You stay right here.

Relax.
Oh. I get it.

You're worried about
people seeing me.
Without question.

People are gonna stare.
They're not used to seeing
one clown in a car.

That's her-
Bianca Douglas.

She's so cute.

[Manny]
She has good handwriting.

She's a complete package.
Wish me luck.

You don't need luck.
You just remember those jokes
I told you, hmm?

We have to stop
meeting like this.

What?
We go to school together.

Oh, yeah.
Do you like jokes?

Sure.
Great.

So a grasshopper named Gary
walks into a bar. Aw. No.

You're not supposed
to know his name.
Let me try another one, okay?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow who?

Moo. Oh, crap.

- Um, hey.
- Hey yourself.

- Move.
- You kind of just
bumped me with your car.

I don't think so.
No. No, you did,
because, um-

- Yeah, I got grease on my pants
and then also I felt it.
- Call an ambulance.

Okay. I just thought
you might wanna know...

in case you wanted
to be a decent human being
and apologize, but-

No? Okay.

Ass.

- What did you say?
- Just forget about it, all right?

Listen, carrottop.
I didn't touch you.
Um, I-

So do the smart thing.
Shut your hole, get in your car
and drive away.

Is there a problem here?

- What the hell are you?
- I'm the ass-kicking clown...

that'll twist you
like a balloon animal.

I will beat your head
against this bumper
until the air bags deploy.

So apologize
to my boyfriend right now!

Apologize?
Boyfriend?
Apologize!

Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Let's go.
We're gonna be late.

[Car Door Closes]

Mind if I come in?

Sure.
[Chuckling]

Come here.

Why you bounce so sad?
I told all my jokes.

It turns out
I'm not the funny guy.

The right girl will find you
when it's time,

even though I'm gonna
hate losing you
to another woman.

You'll never lose me, Mom.
I'll always love you, no matter what.

Ay, chiquitín.
[Laughs]

You see? Right there.
You need no tricks.

Just be the sweet,
wonderful little boy
that you are.

Sweet little boy. Got it.

She won't know what hit her.
¡Vaya para allá!

Hey, Manny, wanna make
a sweet comb sheath?

Could not be
a worse time, Claire.

Oh. It's so peaceful
and quiet over here.

Ha-ha. If you came
over here to gloat,
I already know it's a dud.

Actually, I came
to give you this.

It's your
favorite flavor- blue.

Thanks, honey.

And your hair
looks really nice.
Hmm. Thanks.

I've been combing it all day.

All right, let's all
give Luke a big hand
for being so brave.

This feels so weird.
What does it eat?

Oh, just
little boy brains.
[Children Groaning]

Well, at least Luke's
got nothing to worry about.

Is there mayo in this?
No. You're good.

So I was thinking
that maybe we could
go slip away-

- So, does anyone
wanna pet the iguana?
- Hells, yeah. Oh, man.

[Kids]
Over here! Me! Me!
[Dylan] I love lizards.

What's his name?
Her name is Lizzy.

Wow.
I totally get that.
[Chuckles]

You don't deserve this.

What?
Hot reptile chick.

You know, probably has
her own apartment,

obviously okay
touching gross stuff.

[Laughs]
They're just talking.
You're right.

Dylan's far too sophisticated
to get sucked in...

by a single lady
with tons of cool tattoos.

[Chuckles]
Hey. I think it peed on me.

- Oh, no.
- No way, Mother Nature.

I can't believe he does that.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Hey, what am I missing, guys?

Aw, geez, Gloria.

Jay, look! I go high!
Look! Look!

Guys, hit the road.
Come on. You're family men.
Come on. Scat.

Great job, buddy.

Now comes the fun part.
Rappel down.

It's really high.

You have nothing to fear
but fear itself...
and the concrete.

- But I'm right here, buddy.
- Okay, just catch me.

I am brave.
Roller coasters? Love 'em.

Scary movies?
I've seen Ghostbusters,
like, seven times.

I regularly drive
through neighborhoods...

that have only recently
been gentrified.

So yeah, I'm pretty much
not afraid of anything.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, everybody!

Quit your clownin' around.
That's my job.
[Chuckles]

Except clowns.

Never shared that
with the fam, so... shh.

Do have an image to maintain.

I am not really sure
where the fear comes from.

My mother says it's
because when I was a kid,

I found a dead clown
in the woods, but who knows?

Hey. Oh. Well, you must
be the birthday boy.
Wow.

- Is that you, Uncle Cam?
- [Chuckles] No.
I'm Fizbo the clown.

I don't know who this
Uncle Cam is, but he sure
sounds handsome, doesn't he?

Hey, who likes
balloon animals?
I do! I do!

It's just Cam.
It's just Cam.
You all right?

What? Yeah. Just have
kind of a complicated
relationship with clowns.

Well, join the club.

Look, I came on strong
with that whole funny guy bit.

This is me just being myself.

Okay. Hey, do you know
who that boy is over there?

Oh. That's Dylan.
He's Haley's boyfriend.

He's so cute and tall.

I'm still growing.
Give me a break.

Pardon me, miss,
but this little doggy
needs a new home.

Oh, thank you.
[Chuckles]

That's quite
an impressive getup
you got there.

Thank you, Jay.
Oh, by the way, you have
something on your shoulder.

[Laughing]
That's good.

Never mind.
It was nothing.

We're done here.

[Woman]
Oh, that's nice.

[Balloon Pops]

So, do you keep these
at a zoo or something?

[Tanya] No. I just
keep 'em at my place.
That's awesome.

I only have a cat.
Yeah?
I used to have a cat.

I was just messing
with you before,

but seriously,
he's still talking to her.

- Wow. Cool.
- On it.

- [Tanya] You know, this is one of-
- I feel like Britney Spears.

[Laughs]
You're so funny.

You kind of do look
like Britney Spears.

[Dylan]
Really?
I'm just kidding.

- Anyway, this is
probably my favorite.
- Hey, jungle lady?

- I think- I think
one of your bugs got out.
- What? This one?

This box thing here-
It's on its side.

- Oh, my God. Where did it go?
- Is everything okay?

No. I lost a poisonous scorpion,
and I need to find it.

Okay, kids, let's all tuck
our pants into our socks.

Avoid shady, moist places,
and let's make a game
of looking where we step.

Is he okay?
Can we see him?

He's in with the doctor
right now.

These things happen, right?
No matter how careful you are.

Hey, look what Grandpa
gave me- a crossbow.

Sweetie, that
does not look safe.
Don't worry.

He's gonna show me
how to use it.
That's what... I'm afraid of.

[Jay]
Come on. Ready?

Oh, my God.
You are not making
comb sheaths.

I am, and I know.
It's really lame.
Everybody hates it.

No. It's just like, uh,
Donna Rigby's party.

Exactly! Yes!
And I have the beads
and everything.

Amazing.
This is awesome.

So... Cam's a clown.

[Phil]
I got you.
Yeah.

I totally got you.
[Claire]
And there's mine.

You think it's weird
that we both chose
people who were so-

Uninhibited?
I was gonna say
"embarrassing," but yeah.

Look at them now.
They're the life of the party.

Uh, you know, I gotta say,
for all his craziness,

I love my clown.

Me too.
They're good for us.

I would've totally
tanked this party.

And I would've gotten
my butt kicked at a gas station.

Sorry?
Turns out Fizbo
is a real bad-ass.

- [Screaming]
Scorpion! Scorpion! Scorpion!
- [Children Screaming]

Scorpion!
[Screaming Continues]

No, no. Too close.
Too close. Too close.

- What the hell? Oh!
- [Crossbow Fires]

[Air Hissing]
Oh, crap!

[Claire]
Calm down. What happened?
We fired the crossbow.

No, I know. Oh, my God.
It's right there.
[Kids Screaming]

Bianca, I'm coming.

[Claire]
Who else is
in there? Get out!

[Yelling]

It turns out
I'm not the sweet guy
or the funny guy.

No, Manny, don't go in!
¡Por favor!

I must!

I'm coming!

Manny Delgado
is a man of action.

Wait. My dog
is still in there.

I'll be right back.
[Grunts]

[Luke]
Ow! My arm!

Sweetie? Luke?

What happened, buddy?
What happened?
What happened, honey?

Hey, hey.
What happened?

- I slipped on these stupid beads.
- Oops.

Come on.
Here we go.
Ow!

How is he?

Oh, he's gonna be fine.
Ay, Dios mío.

[Jay] Hi, honey.
How are you, kid?

[Claire]
Oh, there he is.
[Gloria] Pobrecito.

[Haley]
You poor thing.

Wow. Everybody's here.

Of course we are.
How's that busted flipper?

Okay.
Sorry about today, buddy.
We'll try again next year, huh?

Are you kidding? This was
the best birthday ever.

What?
I got a cast.

You like a cast?
I've always wanted one.

After a few weeks,
they start to smell.
[Gloria] Ew!

You are so weird,
you know that?

Can I sign it?
Sure.

Hey. Me first.
Here.

[Phil]
If you'd asked me
before the party...

if I wanted there to be
a chain reaction of disasters...

that led to Luke breaking his arm,
I probably would've said no.

Probably?
Prob- Definite- Definitely
not. Would not want that.

But, one way or another,

Luke was the center of attention
on his birthday, and the whole family
was together...

just the way it should be.

Fizbo delivery!
I brought the cake!

[Gloria]
Bravo!

[Mitchell]
Wow.
I can't do this.

[Inhales]
Oh, God. I'm out.

[Breathing Heavily]

Cake.
[All Chattering]

[Gloria]
Blow the candles.
Blow the candles.

Bianca Douglas called me
three times tonight.

I'm not gonna lie to you.
I'm starting to feel smothered.

I really like my cast,
but it's starting to itch.

Good thing my mom made me
this personal scratcher.

Oh, that's good stuff.

If another woman
is messing with your man,

you have to get proactive.

I don't care how pretty she is
or how many stupid reptiles she has.

She tries to take what's mine,

girlfriend's gonna get stung.

[Screams]

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