Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 19 - Game Changer - full transcript

It could not be more perfect that Phil's birthday and the release date of a hot new product coincide, and he wants nothing so much as to be one of the first people to get one; this is Claire's mission. Meanwhile, before coming to Phil's party, Mitchell is preoccupied with a new found desire to toughen up, Cameron gets himself involved in a neighbor's marital problems, and it's Jay against Gloria and Manny in chess.

Today Sam Riley
kicked a soccer ball...

and it hit another kid so hard
his eye popped out.


His eye popped out.

Never mind.
[Phil] Well, gotta hit
the sack. Big Saturday tomorrow.

That's right.
It's somebody's birthday.

Not just that.
The iPad comes out-

on my actual birthday.

It's like Steve Jobs and God
got together to say,
"We love you, Phil."

What is so great
about that doohickey anyhow?
"Doohickey," Elly May?

It's a movie theater,
a library and a music store...

all rolled into
one awesome pad.

A library is a place
where people get books.

A movie theater is a place
where people go on dates.

I better load the beach chair
into the trunk. I'm gonna need
it for the line in the morning.

Wait, honey. Hang on.
You can't spend
your birthday in line.

Well, not the whole day.
I have to be there at 6:00,
or forget about it.

Then I'm out by 10:00.
Why don't you let me do it?

Claire, you don't
have to do that.

No, I know, but I want to.

And that way on your birthday
you'll wake up and you'll
have your brand-new toy.


Well, in spite of you
calling it a toy,

this is shaping up to top
the best birthday I ever had.

Oh, thank God we didn't have
to hear that stupid story
about that place-

It was called the Fun Zone.
I was 11.

I hit 10 straight fastballs
in the batting cage.

Then my best friend
Jeff Sweeney stepped in
and took one in the groin.

I yelled out "Ball two!"
Everybody laughed.

That was when I knew
I was funny.

Good night.


Are you sure there's not
an "E-I" in the middle?

No. It's "I-E."
Good, papi!

If I can't fool you,
then your teachers
can't fool you either.

I don't think
they're trying to fool me.

Wait until you see what
I got Phil for his birthday.

I found it on
the SkyMall catalog.

Ay. It's not one of those
talking alarm clocks?

"It's 6:05. It's 6:25.
Wake up. Wake up."

Even better.
A rosewood chess set.

As matter of fact,
before I wrap this thing,
what say we take it for a spin?

- Come on, Manny. I'll teach you.
- He knows how to play.
His father taught him.

I'm gonna teach him real chess,
not the Colombian version.

We actually use the pieces to
play the game, not smuggle stuff
out of the country.

Uh, I know one Colombian piece
you won't be playing with later.

Manny, come on.
Let's see what you got.
You'll be surprised.


Manny's an excellent player,
but Jay is a grumpy loser.

He mopes, he makes the face,
he slams the door, then he said
he didn't slam the door.

It's better that he wins.

[Crying On Baby Monitor]

Um, I got this.

[Man On Baby Monitor]
Everything's gonna be okay.
It's okay. It's okay.

[Crying Continues]

[Whispers] Cam!
Leave me alone.

There's a- There's
a man in Lily's room.

There's a man
in Lily's room!

It's go time.

Oh, thank God.

It's me, it's me,
it's me, it's me.

She's fine. We must have
just heard a neighbor
with the same monitor.

Thank God.

Boy, if a spider
would have broken in here,
he would have been in trouble.

[Mouths Words]

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

Light-up barbecue tongs.

This was the lame gift I got Phil.

- So, was I bummed to get up
at 5:00 and wait in line?
- [Alarm Beeping]

No. No, because I was finally
getting my husband something
that he really, really wanted.

I was every bit as excited
as he was.


Uh- No.



Hey, buddy.
I hope you're not upset about
our chess match yesterday.

Hey, what do you say
we play again?
I'm good.

That's the spirit.

Downloaded this for you.
It's kind of a kid's guide to chess.

No, Jay.
I'm good.

Nah, it's not all dry like that.
They have fun with it.

See, you can color in
the little players with your crayons.

Now you are making me
want to play again.

Now we're lighting a fire.
Let me toss this out.

If you beat me, if that day
should ever come, I'll give you-

- I want your watch.
- Wow, you had that loaded up.

Okay. Game on.

Now, I want you to go first.

Now remember, try to open up
the middle of the board.

I'd have moved that guy
two spaces.

More aggressive.

And you don't want to bring
your queen out that quickly.

See, now you could've protected that
with that, but now you're vulnerable-

Huh? What?

How'd you do that?

You will not believe what's going on
at Jake and Debbie's house.

The people on the monitor.
They must live nearby.

So much drama.

Okay, Jake told Debbie
that he had to work late.

So she called his boss
and found out that he didn't.

So she spent all morning
on the phone crying and crying
and crying to her mother...

and said if Jake has
to work "late" one more time,
she's filing for divorce.


That's it? I give you that tasty dish
and all you give me is a "Huh"?

I-I'm s-
Cam, I froze last night.

I froze. I thought Lily
was in danger and I froze.

But not you.
No, you sprung
right into action.

You even had the cool
"It's go time" line.

That comes to me naturally.
I spent a year as a crossing guard.

Cam, I mean, what kind of parent
am I if I can't even protect
my own family, you know?

J-Just once I would love
to be the guy with no fear...

who can stand up and,
I don't know, you know,
kick some ass.

You're so cute when you're angry
with your little fists.
Just wanna put you in my pocket.

Think he's coming.

He's coming?
Here he comes.

- Dad!
- [All]
Happy birthday!

You guys!
That's awesome.

Oh, who are these from?
Cam and Mitchell.

Those guys are a class act.

We're making you breakfast.

French waffle cakes.

Let me guess: One waffle
in between two pieces of French
toast wrapped in a pancake.

Nailed it.

Bring it in here, monkeys.

Love you!
Get over here!

Good enough.

Where's Mom?

You mean the greatest woman
in the world?

She is standing in line
at the Apple Store, making all
my birthday wishes come true.

Let's see how
these bad boys taste.

Oh, no-
Son of a- Oh!

It's hot!

[Luke] Are you okay?
Fresh out of the oven? That is—

Do you want some ice?

Oh, man! This-
[Ice Rattling]

Oh, that feels better.
That feels better.
[Haley] Sorry, Dad.

No, it actually- That feels weird.
That burns in a different way!

Ow! Oh! Don't wash this
until we see if I can
get my skin back. Okay?

Let me see it!

No! Your party's not until tonight.
You're just gonna have to wait.

Just let me see the bag.
Did you leave it in the car?

Hey, who'd you deal with?

Was it a guy named Mehar?
They call him "the beast."

He's a tiny guy.
He must move a ton of product.

I kinda love
that you're making me wait.

You are the best wife ever!

You are the best wife ever!

I didn't get you the iPad.

I got to the store
and they were all out.
I'm so sorry.

I don't understand.
My online buddies got it.

SAT800 and Brobot
didn't get there until 8:00.

And you definitely got there
before they did, because
you got there at 6:30.

No, no, no! You didn't
get there at 6:30?
Where were you?

I set the alarm for 5:00.
I got up, I came downstairs,
I fell asleep.

No! Oh, my goodness.
What have I done?
What have I done?

I should've done this myself.
Sweetie, you know what?
They're gonna get more in next week.

Next week? That's
the worst thing you can say
to an early adopter.

Where are you going?
To a place where birthdays
still mean something.

[Door Closes]

[Doorbell Rings]
I'll get that.

Hi, Manny.

What are you doing here at...
4: 17 on a Saturday afternoon?

Oh, I'm just returning
my dad's belt of tools, so-

At 4: 17 on a Saturday afternoon?

Don't you have
something better to do?


So, were you a big hit?
What do you mean?

Well, I just assumed there
was some kind of costume party.
Was Cam the Indian?

No. For your information, Dad,
we were actually doing a little
construction at the house.

What'd you build?
A gift-wrapping station.

And we're back.
So, thank you for that.

You're welcome.

Hey, uh, Dad, do you remember
when I was, uh, probably 11...

and you were teaching me
how to fight, and then I quit?

Yeah, when you said everything
you needed to learn you'd
learn from West Side Story.

How'd that work out
for you?

If I'm ever in a dance fight,
I'll let you know.
[Both Laughing]

So, yeah-
Is-Is the offer, uh, still good?

Why? What's the matter?
You got problems with Cam?

No! Wh-Why would you say that?

Well, come on.
I mean, you know,
sharing a room with a guy?

I bunked with my brother.
I know that can get pretty rough.

I don't "bunk" with Cam.

Dad, I just wanna learn
a little self-defense, you know.
Show me what you remember.

Right- Right now?

Okay, uh- Gosh, uh-
Thumbs out.

That a boy.
And then-

That wasn't- That wasn't
very pretty, was it?

You know what? Maybe it
was a little too pretty.
That's the thing.

Here it goes.

Oh, man!

Buddy! Think the problem is,
you're not jumping from high enough.

You should get on top
of the garage.

Alex, stop trying to
kill your brother.

Listen, guys, I need your help.
We've gotta find your dad
one of those iPad thingies.

So, Haley,
text everyone you know.

Alex? Facebook, chat, tweet,
buzz, bling, I don't know!
Just do what you have to do.

We have got to find
one of these iPads. Okay?
[Gas Hissing]

Luke? Sweetie, that means
stay out of everyone's way
and stop inhaling the balloons.

[Squeaky Voice]
I'm not inhaling them.

Stop lying.

How did she know?

Didn't your mama teach you
never to take a ride from a stranger?

Got a little vacation time coming up?

Have fun on the moon!

Not feeling too well lately?

Maybe you should
come see the doctor...

and I'll get rid of it!


What's that supposed to mean?

[Woman On P.A.]
Attention. If you're here
for Phil's birthday party,

they're gathering
in the picnic area.

Phil's birthday party.

My wife knew I'd be here.
She put together
a whole party for me.

Does that really make up
for not getting an iPad?

Don't make me sorry
I shared that with you.

See you, fellas.


I just heard the announcement
for Phil's birthday party.

Oh, yeah.
It's right around the corner.

Have fun!

Thank you.
Thanks, milady.

[Clears Throat]


Ice cream cake?
Ice cream cake's good.

[All Shouting]
Happy birthday, Phil!

This is awesome!

[Voices Overlapping]
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, sweetie.

Happy birthday.
Have a really good birthday.

[Woman #2]
Did you see the cake?
[Man] Oh, yeah. It's great.

[Phone Ringing
On Baby Monitor]


No, that's fine,
I'm just putting the baby down.

Okay, that's Jake.
He's the one
that's having an affair.

I know.
[Jake] Yeah, I can
do it tomorrow night.

I'll just give my wife
some excuse.

Men are pigs.

- I don't really have a choice, do I?
- Yeah.

You could not cheat on her!
How about that?

Because it has
to be a surprise.

When she hears me speaking
Italian to her grandmother,

it'll be worth
all this sneaking around.

Lily, I had it backwards.
He's wonderful.

- Don't worry. I'll just
tell her I'm working late.
- No, Jake, don't do that.

That's the worst thing
you could do.

Buona notte.
[Phone Beeps]

Oh, no, Lily,
what are we gonna do?
We have to fix this.

Okay, Mitchell, I'm gonna
teach you a couple of basic
Brazilian jiu-jitsu moves.

Now, just-
just attack me.

I'm sorry- What?

Take any deep-seated anger
you may have, get a running
start and come at me.

Dad, I don't have
any deep-seated anger.

Remember that Halloween
when I wouldn't let you go
as Olivia Newton-John?


[Grunts, Gasps]

You see what I did?
I used your momentum
against you.

I learned this choke
from the Gracie brothers.

It's called the lion killer-
mata leão.

Now try to get out.
Try to get out. See?

I can't.
Yeah, all right. Now-

Passing out-
See, the beauty of this is,

you don't have to
make the first move.

You know, chances are
your opponent's
gonna be overconfident.

He's gonna think
you don't know anything.

Basically, he's being suckered
into thinking-

Manny. Manny, that
little bastard, he hustled me.

Oh, crap.

Ah, crap. Mitchell!

Oh, crap.
All right. Come on. Breathe.

Attaboy. You all right?
Coming around.

Why am I on the floor?
Come on, Mitchell.

[Phone Ringing]

Haley, I just struck out again.
Please tell me
you have some good news.

Okay, so The Grove just got
a new shipment. I'm texting you
the directions now.

Oh! Okay, that's good.
That's good. That's good.

I'm there.
I'm on that.

That kid stole my watch.


He hustled me at chess.

I thought you promised
you were gonna let him win.

- I did the first time.
- Wait a minute. You're in on it too?

- Manny, go and get dressed for the party.
- Do I have time for a steam?

- Yeah, but a quick one.
- Okay.

Why tell him to lose to me?
Because you're like a baby
when you don't win.

With the kicking
and the eyebrows...

and the angry eating
of the sunflower seeds.

Actually, that's not true.

I don't mind losing
to a chess genius,
which Manny obviously is.

Chess genius?
He's not even as good as I am.

You're not that good in chess.
I beat you on our honeymoon.
Or did I let you win?

You didn't let me win.

Why would I sacrifice my queen
for your pawn, Jay?

Huh? Huh?

Stop saying that.

[Phone Ringing]

Luke, honey, hi.
What's going on?

They guy came with Dad's cake,
but just so you know,
it's missing a piece.

Luke, did you take a bite
out of your father's cake?

Stop lying, Luke.
I'm not lying.

By the way, I used your
credit card to pay him.
Is that all right?

Oh, no, that's fine.

That's why I left the wallet there.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

I left the wallet there!
I left the wa- Your poor father.

All this running around,
and he's gonna think nobody
cares about him on his birthday.

More cake?

Why not, Little Phil?

I got no place else to go.


Sir! Sir!
Sir, hi. Excuse me.

Um, yes. I know
this is highly unusual,

but I need your help
to save a marriage.

There is a couple
in this neighborhood...

that is about to get a divorce
for a simple misunderstanding.

Their name is
Jake and Debbie.

And I know
you've taken an oath...

to not tell people
where other people live,
and I respect that,

but maybe we could
work out some sort of
super secretive spy signal,

where if you scratch
your left ear, you know,
maybe they live on the left,

and if you scratch
your right ear, they live on-

They live right here.


This conversation
never happened.

Oh, thank God!

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Dad just put me to sleep.
Oh, the hunting story.


Oh, my gosh, no.
You can't cut the line.

I was here.

I-I've been here for an hour
and a half and you haven't been,
so you cut the line.

Whoa. Excuse me, sir.

I don't think you understand.
You're not getting in front of us.

Calm down,

- Are you gonna move or not?
- No.

Oh, no.

Then you leave me
no choice.

Oh, my God.
Go to sleep.

Go to sleep.
Go to sleep.

Mitchell, what are you doing?
Get off of him.
Shut up.

He's about to
go to sleep.
No, I'm not.

Okay, folks.
Let's break this up.
You three- out of line.

Oh, no. I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't have anything
to do with this.

I'm just waiting in line
to get an iPad.
I don't even know this guy.

Oh, my God.
I need your credit card.

He's the problem.
Shut up!
You're supposed to be asleep.

It's okay. I have it.
Get off!

I've got it.

I've got your card.
I'm good. No, I'm good.

I'm good. I'm here.
I'm here!

I've gotta get my husband
an iPad!

Key to a good birthday?
Low expectations.

Thought I was getting an iPad.
I was wrong about that.

Thought I was getting a surprise
party at the batting cages.
Sorry, Big Phil.


Guess when it comes
right down to it,

we're all just Jeff Sweeney
taking a fastball to the plums.

Hey, um, Dad, your cake
fell off the counter,

but Uncle Cam's trying to fix it.

He won't.

And the pizzas
never showed up.

And they won't!

Hey, balloons.

Fine. I guess
we'll never know.
Or we can find out right now.

Yeah, Manny,
give me the chess set.

- Oh, it's a chess set.
- Yeah. You'll get it later.
We got something to settle now.

Go in there.
Happy birthday, Phil.

Happy happy.

Is that Claire's
baked Brie I smell?


Oh, Cam, Cam,
you'll never believe
what happened.

Happy birthday, Phil!

You'll never believe what happened.
I got in trouble for fighting.

And we saved a marriage.

Well, this is
the best day ever.
It really is.

Ain't it though?

[Clears Throat]

Look at this, papi, huh?


You can't sing
"We Are the Champions"...

without your queen.

Damn it! Listen, I lose
and I burn this house down!

Ah, but look at this-
Honey, honey.

What are we doing?
This is ridiculous.

One of us is gonna win the game,
the other's gonna feel lousy,
and we both lose.

Yeah, just leave
my birthday present
on the floor.

That's my girl.
She had me.

There was no way I could win.
I knew it. I'm just glad
she didn't know it yet.

Two moves, and then-
[Cutting Sound]

I'm a very good chess player.

But I'm a better wife.

Hey, did you get it?

How's your dad?
Acting weird... er.

Hey, wife.
Honey, hi.

Um, listen-

Yeah, Luke,
hang on one second.

Honey, it's okay.
I don't feel things anymore.

But, sweetie,
I want you to feel-

Luke, I'll be with you
in just a second.
Where are you going?

Just heading out to the yard
to get a shovel for my cake.

- Luke, what do you want?
- I went on Dad's computer,

contacted some
of his geek friends,

told them that he was dying
and his last wish was an iPad.

Luke, what have I
told you about-

One of them felt so bad,
they brought over an extra.

Oh, my God. You got it.
You beautiful little liar!

[Door Opens]
Here comes Dad.


Who wants some cake?

I used to, but I don't
desire food any-

Oh, my God. You got it!

All this time I said
I didn't care, but I do care.
I care so much!

Do you want to
blow out the candles?

Go on. Go.

It did not just do that!

Yes, it did!

Oh, who's ready for the first day
of the rest of their lives?

Phil, happy birthday!
Look at this!

Can I touch it?
Yeah, not so hard,
but touch it.

Touch it, but don't touch it.
Touch it, but don't touch it.

I'm so sorry I ever doubted you.

I love you.
[Jake] Thank God
that guy came over.

What did he say his name was?
He didn't.
Must be an angel.

Did you hear that?
I'm an angel.

Or some creepy perv.

How did he know?

Maybe I should call the police.
You should call the police.

I'm gonna call the police.
And they lived happily ever after.

No, Cam. Where are you going?
It was just getting good.

I want-
That's my program.

I love you.

I love you too, honey.
Oh. Okay.