Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 18 - Starry Night - full transcript

What's my favorite way to relax?

Throw on my wireless headphones
and disappear into the Nature Channel.

♪♪ [Instrumental]
[Man] The young flatback
turtle searches for food...

on the ocean floor.

This flatback, however-
[Phil] The fascinating
thing about nature...

is how, in the blink of an eye,

it can go from a scene
of total tranquil beauty...

to raw, primal violence.

Can you seriously
not hear me
with those things on?

It's noise-canceling technology.
Give it a spin. It's got-

- Sweetie, focus, now.
- Mom, why are you freaking out
on everyone?



Because you are acting
very irresponsibly- all of you.

Listen, honey. Luke has a giant
project due tomorrow for school
that he hasn't even started,

and Haley just informed me
she needs 40 cupcakes
for her school fund-raiser,

also due tomorrow.

I'd like to point out I completed
all my assignments
on my own and on time.

[Together]
Not now, Alex.

I will take the cupcakes.
You do the project.
It's on Vincent van Gogh.

Done!
I need you to really stay
on him. Keep him focused.

All right. I'm actually gonna
take a different approach, but-

Actually gonna insist
that you don't.

Claire, I know you've got
your methods, but so do I.

And I'm sorry,
but I'm not a micromanager.

Trust me, I can provide Luke
with the tools and guidance
he needs...

without, uh, smothering him.



You think I smother our child?
It's not your fault, honey.

"Mother" is part of the word.

You never hear of anyone
being "sfathered" to death.

I know what Luke's problem is.
He's got A.D.H.D.

[Claire]
No.
No, I don't!

What is it?
I'd tell you, but you'd wander
off before I got to the "H."

Just promise me
that you will stay on him
until this project is done.

I will, but you might
have a little more
confidence in him.

Wah! Wah!
No one can hear me now.

Whoo!

Everybody is stupid
except me.

Ha, ha, ha.
I am funny.

Is this the cutest thing
I've ever seen?

You out here on the curb
with your little telescope,
waiting for your dad.

It's not cute.
It's-lt's science.

Tonight is the magnificent
Lyrid meteor shower.

It's where the planet Geek
passes through the Nerdy Way.
It-

Oh, you know
I think it's sweet.

Every couple years, Mitchell
and his father go out and enjoy
one of these showers together.

Oh, I- I wouldn't necessarily
put it that way.

I mean, yes, me and my father
enjoy it, because we don't share
a lot of the same interests.

Like, um, I-I never went
to sports games with him.

Probably because you
call 'em "sports games."

Just lose the "sports."
Just- Just games.

Oh, here comes
your shower partner.
Stop it.

I'm kidding. Have fun
with your dad, okay?
All right. See you later.

Don't worry about me.
I'm not.

I'm just saying, if you were.

- Shotgun, sucka!
- [Jay Laughing]

[Cameron]
Make sure your seat is
exactly the way you want it,

and feel free to play with any
of these controls up here.

I have no idea what they do.
But I want mi car to be su car.

Cameron, are you okay?
You seem nervous.

Uh, nervous?
No. I'm not nervous.

I was nervous.

I mean, when Mitchell
made plans with his father,

I figured, why not
spend the evening
with Gloria?

I've always wanted to
be good friends with her.

On paper, we should
be good friends.

Look at us.
One spicy, curvy diva-

And Gloria.

The problem is,
I had a little minor setback
that we had to overcome...

from a couple weeks ago.

[Phil, Jay Chattering]
I cannot stand hanging out
with his lvy League friends.

Oh, they're the worst.
They're not that bad.

They are the worst!
Are you kidding me?

Debbie can't go two minutes
without talking
about Columbia University.

And the little guy with
the lazy eye from Harvard.
Brown.

Whatever. Honestly, I wish that tart
would go back to Columbia...

and take her weird
little Brown friend with her.

[Chuckles]
[Chattering Stops]

[Mouthing Words]

Cam, you need to relax.
You explained.

Not very well.

You know how awkward I get
when things get awkward.

So when I said "Brown people,"
I wasn't talking about
your, uh, brown people.

I was talking about people
who go to a university.

Um, not your people.

N-Not that your people
couldn't go to college.

Okay, now I'm hearing myself
say "your people" a lot, so-

[Chokes]

Um, just very excited
because this is, um-

you know, this is our
first night out together,
so it's our little date.

Where are we going?

Make sure your seat belt
is securely fastened...

and your tray tables
are in the upright
position...

because I got us
into Palaiseau!

Ah! Fancy!
I know.

It's normally
a four-week wait,

but the maître d' is
an old Pilates brother of mine,
so just one phone call.

Okay.

Palaiseau!
[Chuckles]

Ay, Cameron, you know what?
I don't know if I'm in the mood
for something so fancy.

Can we just go somewhere,
like, more simple?

Oh, uh, yes.
Yes, of course.

We can- What were-
What did you have in mind?

I don't know.

How 'bout a little Latin place
that I always used to go?

That sounds fantastic.
Okay.

I would love to see
how your people eat.

"Your people"?

What is wrong with me?

Okay. It's egg-crackin' time.
Now, I find the key
to cracking an egg properly-

Mom, I'm not a child.
I can do it.

Okay. Okay.
Okay.

My mom's not dumb.
You can't just ask her
to do something for you.

You have to very carefully
put the cheese in the trap.

Oh. Oops. I got
a little shell in the bowl.

- When that happens, I find
that I like to... not do that.
- I got it. It's okay.

Oh, that's-
that's really gross.
Okay. I'm gonna- I'll do this.

You just mop up.

And snap.

Is it bad that I feel sorry for her?

So how do I start?
What do you think?

I don't know. Mom usually
tells me what to do.

Join the club.
I'm kidding. I love your mom.

We are going to try
a new approach this time.

Now, your goal is to create
a display about the life and art
of van Gogh, right?

Yeah.
Okay. You got your
poster board right here.

So, pretend you're telling
the story of his life...

to someone who has
never heard of him.

What do you put on that board?

I see the wheels spinning.
A spark of crea-

How do they get
the lead in pencils?
Let's try to stay on topic.

Hey, Jay. Look who thinks
Mercury is the densest planet
in the solar system.

I take it
from your mocking tone
that I am incorrect.

Densest planet is Earth.

Which makes you
the densest guy
on the densest planet.

Zing!
Fine.

You sure Mitchell
won't mind me tagging along?

Are you kidding?
He loves ya. What are
you worried about?

I've never had a brother before.
We never really hung out that much.

Kiddo, you are
overthinking this.

I just don't wanna
say the wrong thing.

You can't.
That's the beauty
of having a brother.

Me and my brother
were zinging each other
all the time.

You know, like,
"What's going on, fat boy?"
"Nothing much, jackass."

You know, things
of that nature.

It's- It's how brothers
express love.

Hmm.

- Shotgun, sucka!
- [Jay Laughing]

Yeah. That's good.

I'm gonna see the sights.

Not if they see you first!

Kind of missed
with that one, kid.

All right.

This is all you
need to know right here.

Apparently, the pencil's
in two pieces, and they glue 'em
together on the lead.

What if we put all the stuff
about his life on this side...

and all the stuff
about his paintings
on this side?

Luke, buddy,
that's fantastic!

And the best part is,
you came up with that
by yourself.

[Rattling]

All it took was a little
bit of focus and, uh-

This thing is really loose.
I'm gonna go grab a screwdriver.

But you run with this.
On your mark, get set,
van Gogh.

[Door Opens]
Hey, Dad.

He kind of looks like Uncle Mitchell,
if Uncle Mitchell were insane.

- [Chuckles]
- [Door Closes]

[Screaming]
I got sprayed by a skunk!

Oh!
[Whimpering]
Oh, you stink!

And not just at astronomy!
Blammo!

[Groans]
What is happening?

[Woman]
¿Qué pasó?

I love this place.

I was a little bit worried
because it's not exactly-

I... love... this place.
[Chuckles]

I... was... nervous.

I mean, there was
a lot of different food
on the menu,

and on the floor,
and on the wall.

Uh- Are we- Are we sure
we're not exaggerating
just a little bit?

Were you there, Mitchell?

Because I think I would
have recognized the only
other white or gay person.

I'd already offended Gloria once.
Not gonna do it again.

Hola. ¿Cómo está?
¡Gloria!

¿Cómo estás?
¿Cómo estás? Ya tienes mucho
que no vienes, ¿eh?

- Mi amigo Cameron.
- Ah, welcome.

So, carnitas diablos.
Ah, you remember.

- Claro.
- Um, I'll just have the same thing.

No, no, no.
You should have
the chicken enchiladas.

Mm-hmm.
No, I'll have the carnitas diablos.

- These are not for you.
- Excuse me?

- They're too spicy.
Miss Gloria's used to it.
- Yeah, he's right.

I can spice you
under the table any day
there, sweet thing.

Dos carnitas diablos,
por favor.

Okay.

Okay.
[Giggling]

[Clears Throat]

- Mitchell!
- Of course. What was I thinking?

[Sighs]
Dad, can we- can we
just go home, please?

You've got to air out first
before I let you in that car.
I'll never get the stink out.

Hey, Jay, is that Venus?

'Cause I can smell the clouds
of pure sulfuric acid from here.

- Slam!
- Okay. I-I'd really like
to go home now.

We'll miss the meteor shower.
The trouble is your clothes.

Just take them off.
I think there's a blanket
in the trunk.

You sure, Dad?
You're not worried I might
stink up the blanket?

Don't worry about it.

We just use it to cover up
the seat for when Manny's all
sweaty after his tango class.

If you don't sweat,
you're not doing it right.

[Laughing]

He was one of the best
boyfriends I ever had.

But he was gay.
Yeah.

I figured that out
after the first month-
[Coughs]

And I stayed for a whole year
because the haircuts
were fantastic!

[Laughing, Crying]
It's funny, huh?

[Hysterical Laughing]
Cameron, that one
is not that funny.

Are you okay?
I'm fine.

Are you sure?
I love this place.

[Coughing]
But your head
is running water.

No, I don't think it is.

I told you
it was too spicy for you.
Look at your shirt.

I just need to get a bit
of a drink of something.
No, no, no!

Cameron, the water
makes it so worse. No!
Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, you're right.
That does make it worse.

Oh- I feel like
I ate the sun!

And that is the secret
to no lumps. See?
It's kind of fun.

- You make it fun, Mom.
- Mmm.

Listen to these symptoms of A.D.H.D.
And tell me it's not Luke.

Alex!
"Easily distracted
by irrelevant stimuli."

[Electrical Buzzing]

"Often impulsively abandons
one task for another."

That's where I left those.

"A tendency to act
without regard to consequences,

often at the expense
of personal safety."

[Grunts]

- "Having accidents more often"-
- I think that's enough, Alex.
We've got it.

Oh, no. No!

[Clattering]

[Exhales]

Phil. Phil!
Honey, are you okay?

Yeah.
Remember those sunglasses
I couldn't find?

Bingo!
[Chuckles]

I asked you to do one thing-
stay on top of Luke.

For your information,
your son is hard at work
on an awesome van Gogh-

Gotta fix that- masterpiece.

Wait'll you see.
You're gonna be so surprised.

Oh, God, honey.
I want nothing more than
to be surprised, really.

Oh.

I'm not surprised.

Okay, that's it.
I don't want to hear anything about
your new method of doing things.

There's one thing that works
with these kids, and that is
staying on top of them,

which, thanks to you, my friend,
I will now be able to do all night long.

- Not happy, dude.
You're supposed to be working.
- I am working.

- Mr. Potato Head, really?
- I know what you think, but-

No, I don't wanna hear it.
I'm going down
to clean up the garage,

then I'm coming back
and I'm gonna stand over you
until this thing is done, okay?

Breathe.
Breathing only makes
the fire spread.

Okay. Then drink this milk.

Ay, Cam.
Why did you have to order
that spicy dish?

Because I'm, um, a big idiot...

and I wanted to have
this awesome night
between the two of us...

where we end up best friends,
uh, having lunch, buying shoes.

Okay! Let's go have lunch,
let's go buy shoes.

Really?
Yeah. Why are you so surprised?

Well, I don't know.
I guess I just always feel
like I blow it with you...

whether it's
the Columbian comment...

or picking
the wrong restaurant.

The restaurant
had nothing to do with you.

I was just not in the mood
to go anywhere that fancy...

after the stupid thing
I did this morning.

What did you do?

I bought a dress.
You monster.

Ay. It was
a very expensive dress
that I don't need.

I felt so stupid
that when I got home,

I couldn't even bring it
inside the house.

I left it in the car.
I totally get it.

I have a legendary hat story.

I'll bet you look fabulous
in that dress.

Yes, but anyone would look
fabulous in that dress.
[Chuckling]

You find that blanket?
No.

This was all I could find.
Shut up!

- Really shows off your shape.
- Okay.

Spin around, cupcake.
Let's see the caboose!

You get fries
with that shake?
[Wheezing Laugh]

Was that too far?
There's a line, Jay.

I better go mop this up.

Oh, come on.
Where's the-

[Clears Throat]

I'm sorry if things
got a little out of hand
back there,

but in our defense,
look at you.

[Chuckling]
I mean, smell you.

[Mock Laughing]
This is a fantastic apology.

Oh, don't be
too hard on the kid.
I was egging him on.

You're gonna be mad,
be mad at me.
Done!

I was just happy to see him
laugh a little bit.

You know, he's had
kind of a tough week.

I got sprayed by a skunk,
and I'm wearing a dress that
makes my hips look huge.

I know he doesn't want me
to talk about it,

but he didn't get invited
to this big party.

Some kids he thought were
his friends think he's weird.

Now, you know me on this.
I'm no- I'm no good at it.

You know, I- I never
know what to say.
That's true.

But maybe I raised a kid
who would know what to say.

That's the only reason
I invited him along-

you know, because
this astronomy stuff,
that's- that's our thing.

[Chuckles]

Yeah.
No, I'll talk to him.

You know, you don't look
that ridiculous.

Now, you actually
got the legs for it.
Dad.

No, I'm just saying,
if you were that type of a gay-
Dad!

You'd probably do
all right for yourself.

Come on!

You know, I always had a sense
it was dangerous down here,

but I guess it's actually
kind of charming, isn't it?

No, it's not safe at all.
[Siren Wailing In Distance]

I used to live
down here, you know.
What?

Yeah, that's why
I come down here.
Look there.

That was my old apartment.

After I left Javier,
that's all I could afford.

It's still part of me.
Mmm.

You have to remember
those things, like you
when you go to your farm.

You remember that?
I told you that a year ago.

Of course I do.
You're my friend,
you big idiot.

[Laughing]
You know, this part of town
might be very rough,

but the people here,
Cameron- the best.

I'm pretty sure I had wheels
when I parked here.

¡Ayayay!
Who did this?

No, it's okay, Gloria.
[Shouting]
Who did this?

You coward son of bitches!
It's okay, everybody!
I'm- I'm insured!

What? What? You scared?
You scared to show your face,
little girl?

No, it's all right, everybody!
Cameron, wait in the car!

Gloria, I think it's drivable.
Cameron!

Gloria!

Just so you know, I'm going
back up to Luke's room, and I'm
not leaving until he's finished.

Thank you.
And I'm really sorry for not
underestimating Luke enough.

Well, that means a lot to me.

The hardest part is,
he kinda takes after me
with all this.

Hmm.
Like my lack of focus
and your-

My what?
I just love you.

I did it.
[Phil]
Hey.

Oh, my God.

- Do you like it?
- I-I- I love it.

Did you do this?
All him.

I used Mr. Potato Head ears
because van Gogh
cut his ear off.

And there's money
because his paintings sell for,
like, a bajillion dollars,

which is sad
because he died broke.

Yes. That-

[Whispers]
You were right.
Don't apologize.

I'm not apologizing.
Apology accepted.

Luke, I-I really couldn't
be more proud of you,

and I am so sorry I didn't
give you more credit.

Thanks.
[Phil]
Way to go, buddy.

[Clicks Tongue]
Gotta go finish the cupcakes.

[Chuckling]
No. She didn't.

- Sweetie, can you hand me those?
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, I can talk.

What are you doing?

I showed you how to make 'em,
and now you can do it yourself.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

Well, good, because
I really wanted to.

Okay. I'm setting
the oven to 700!

I'm putting, uh- I'm putting
the eggs in the bowl!

Oh, I got some shells
in 'em! Uh-oh!

Are you serious?
[Exhales]

Hey. Hey.
Hey, Mitchell.

So, I know you'd never, um-

I know you'd never, never believe this
by looking at me right now,

but, um, I used to
get picked on at school too.

So Jay told you?
Yeah.

Yeah, they would, um-
they'd call me weird.

I was weird.
Uh, fun weird.

But I- This is the funny thing
about growing up.

For years and years,
everybody's desperately afraid...

to be different,
you know, in any way.

And then, suddenly,
almost overnight,

everybody wants to be different,

and that is where we win.

I'm sort of counting on that.
Yeah.

I'm sorry I was
picking on you too much.
Ah, that's-

Jay said that's
what brothers do.
[Chuckles]

Well, we don't have to listen to him.
Brothers do that too.

Okay, ladies.
Finish up your tea party.

You're missing the show.

Can't believe I was fighting
over this guy, huh?

Check it out. Check it out.
Oh. Whoa.

Wow.
Awesome!

[Luke]
Why did he paint
The Starry Night?

Maybe because the sky is beautiful,
and everybody likes looking at it,

and it reminds us
that something's up there
watching over all of us-

aliens, who could be here
in a second...

to liquefy us
and use us as fuel.

So wake up, people.
We're next.

Mom!

You better get down here!

Mmm!
Oh, my God.

Wow! Delicious!
Uh-huh.

- I am so proud.
- Oh! Thanks, Mom.
I'm just gonna wrap these up.

No. You know what, sweetie?
You're gonna be late for school.
Just go.

- I'll bring 'em by later.
- Are you sure?

Yeah! Get out of here,
Betty Crocker.
Okay.

I'm so proud of you!

[Gagging, Spits]

Do we still have the number
for Poison Control?

I love you, Claire.
I'll always love you!

My mouth is asleep,
like at the dentist.

Get over here, buddy.

[Grunts]
[Whimpers]

[Luke Grunts]

ENGLISH - US - PSDH