Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 17 - Truth Be Told - full transcript

Jay accidentally kills Manny's pet turtle and lies about it, Claire becomes jealous when Phil's ex-girlfriend pays a visit, and Mitchell makes a bold decision after he misses a family day because he's called in to work.

Hey, honey,
Hugh Grant has a-
I'm in.

Okay, well, Alex has
a cello lesson at 11:00...

and Junior Congress at noon.

Doesn't she also have
no boys at forever?

Don't you have an eating disorder
you need to attend to?

Yeah, anyway, uh, we could see
the 4:00 or the 6:20.

Oh, actually, that's no good.
I'm meeting my friend Denise
for a drink.

Denise? Do I know Denise?
Yeah. You know,
my old girlfriend.

Oh, my God. Gross.
I can't even picture you
with a woman.

- Thank you.
- You had a girlfriend before Mom?

Try two.

Trust me. I had plenty
of fun in my time.

And then I met your mom.

And thank you.

So I guess she travels
around selling makeup
for a cosmetics company.

- She's in town for a week.
- She's like a door-to-door salesman?

If you were doing it,
they'd call it
a dork-to-dork salesman.

Oh! My boy strikes
like a rattlesnake!

Oh, yeah? W-Well, you-

Wow. All right, well,
we can see the movie tomorrow.

Come on.
It's time for your lesson.

You mean her second lesson,
because she just got schooled.

What's wrong with me today?
Shake it off, champ.
It's not your day.


Ay, good morning, papi.
Is it?

Ay, you're still sad
because of that audition.

That part was mine.
I was born to play Tevye.

Instead they give it
to Rod Jackson?

What does he know
from suffering?

- How we doing?
- A little better.

But we're gonna go and throw
ice cream at the problem.

Well, if that doesn't work,
this should do the trick.

"What doesn't kill us
makes us stronger."

We can hang this in your room.
You can see it every morning,
start to internalize it.

- Pretty soon nothing
will keep you down.
- But it's not true.

- What are you talking about?
- Lots of stuff that doesn't
kill you makes you weaker.

My friend's grandfather
had a heart attack.

Now he needs
a machine to breathe.

I've seen him-
at the supermarket.

Now he needs to drive
one of those little, like-
[lmitates Engine]

- That's right. Be negative.
- It's just not a good poster, Jay.

You're only making me stronger.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

Did you pack the bread
for the ducks?

Not the whole-wheat kind.
The ducks don't like that.

They're ducks, Mitchell.
They don't care.

We both believe
that animals should play
a big part in Lily's life.

Having grown up on a farm,
I was surrounded by them.

They were more like brothers and sisters
than just, you know, livestock.

Delicious brothers and sisters.

Life on a farm-
they know what
they're getting into.


[Cell Phone Ringing]
Oh, wait.

Oh, it's the office.
Don't answer it.

I have to.
It's like this every Saturday.
Just ignore it.

Well, maybe it's
not that this time. Hello?


[Jay Clears Throat]

That's nice.

Shel? You all right, buddy?

Oh, hell.

Oh, there's four
of 'em, Mitchell.

They're giving her
little duck kisses.

Oh, she's laughing.
I can't believe
you're missing this.

Well, why not, Cam?
I've missed everything else.

She rolled over
when I was in Phoenix.

She started scooting
when I was in court.

Well, just tell 'em
you're not coming in.
You do enough for 'em.

Well, you know that.
I know that. You know?

The only one who doesn't
know that is my sucky boss.

He's the suckiest suck
of all time.

He's a miserable
son of a bitch who...

may have heard everything
I just said.

Hi, honey.

When are you getting together
with your gal pal?

Actually, I was just checking
on that. She's supposed
to send me a message.

Oh, you're Facebook friends.

Sure am. She's one
of my 447 friends.

Everybody wants a slice.

How long have you two
been in touch with each other?

Uh, she tracked me down
about a year ago.

Mmm. Mmm.

What? What's-
What's that sound?

Mmm. Nothing.
[Computer Beeps]

Oh. Here she is right now.
[Clears Throat]

"How about we meet
at Le Reve at 7:30?"

That sounds
innocent enough- I mean-

drinks with an ex-girlfriend
at an intimate French restaurant.

Honey, you're doing
that thing where you say
what I want you to say...

but your tone seems mean.

Let me guess.
Denise isn't married.

Recently divorced.
What's the big deal?

Come on, Phil.
You can't be that naive.

Seriously, women in their 30s
on the Internet are like-
they're like ninjas.

They get into their little
black outfits and try and sneak
their way into your marriage.

That's not Denise.

Here. Read some
of her messages.

You're gonna feel silly.

"Hey, Phil. How's it going?"
You can't add the sexy voice.

"Hi, Phil. How's it going?"
"So glad to hear
your neck is better."

Are you seriously jealous?
No, I am not jealous at all.

I just happen to know women
better than you do,
and that woman wants a slice.

Okay. Just to prove how wrong
you are, I'm gonna invite her
over here for drinks.

Fine with me. Just hope
it's fine with Denise.

"Gee, Phil, I really had
my heart set on Le Reve."

That voice
doesn't bother me.

Kind of like it!

Has he been acting weird
around you?

No, no. I've been
avoiding him all morning.

So you don't even know
if he heard you.
That's why we're doing this.

And where are you?
I only have a half hour for lunch.

- Hello, handsome.
- So this is where it happened.

Just turn off the phone,
roll down the window and
we'll see if you can hear me.

[Horn Honking]

Go around!
We're re-creating a faux pas!

Thank you.
Okay. Can you hear me now?

Yeah, but just barely.
Is this how loud you were talking?

It might have been
a little bit louder.

There was traffic.
I almost had to shout.

- You almost had to what?
- Shout.

- Little bit louder now.
- Shout.

- Little bit louder now.
- Shout!

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

Really, Cam?
My job is at stake here, and-

Oh, who are we kidding?
You can obviously hear me.

I am so screwed.

Manny? Manny,
come here a second, pal.

- Huh?
- I got some bad news, buddy.

What is it?
Well, there's
no easy way to say this.

- Shel Turtlestein is dead.
- What? How?

I was down here
reading the paper, and I heard
this commotion up in your room.

So- So naturally,
I go running up there.

And this mangy raccoon
had busted through your screen.

He must have scampered up
to where Shel was.

By the time I walked in,
he had-

the little bastard had him
by the neck and shaking him.

Gravel was flying everywhere.

He didn't even flinch.
He just stared at me
with that smug look...

and then bolted.

If only I'd have got here earlier.

May I see the body?

Baby, are you sure
that's a good idea?
It's something I have to do.

That's him.
Sorry, pal.

It just doesn't
make any sense.
Yep. Only the good die young.

But in school, we learn
raccoons are nocturnal.
They sleep during the day.

They sure do,
and this one must've got up
for a midnight snack.

You know,
we've all done that.

I guess so.

It all adds up.

I don't think
I can be in here right now.
Too many memories.

He'll be okay.

You lie.

I'm Colombian.
I know a fake crime scene
when I see one.

I was hanging up the new poster
and it fell on top of him.

It was an accident.
You have to tell him.

No. I've been
through this before.

When Mitchell was nine,
I was supposed to take care
of his bird.

It got out and flew into a fan.
It was like a bloody pillow fight.

My God. How many pets
have you killed?
Just the two.

I took the heat on the bird.
It was a big mistake.

To this day,
Mitchell looks at me,

I see him thinking,
"That's the guy
who killed Fliza Minnelli."

And what if he finds out?
Then what?

You'll be the guy
that killed his pet
and lied to him.

He's not gonna find out
because I covered my tracks.


Fliza Minnelli?

How did I not know
that kid was gay?

Hey, Luke.

Big day for you, huh?

- Because you will get
to meet your real mom.
- What?

We all made a pact we'd
deny it until you turned 21.

But that's the real reason
Dad's old girlfriend's
coming over.

She's your mom,
and if she likes you,
you'll go live with her.

I'm not adopted.
I'm asking Mom.

You mean Mrs. Dunphy?
She's not going
to tell you the truth.

I-I'm not-

I know.

Just 'cause he called you
a dork-to-dork salesman?

The empire strikes back.

Raccoons have five toes.

What's that?
I don't mean to bother you.

It's just confusing.
The footprints in my room
only have four toes.

You know, I bet
I know what happened.

I'll bet he lost
those toes in a fight.

And that guy looked like
he'd been in a brawl or two.

- One toe from each foot?
- Maybe.

You know, Manny,
I think the only thing...

that's gonna get you to stop
asking all these questions...

is for you to have a little closure.

- What do you mean?
- Well, I'd like to throw
a little memorial for Shel.

It'll be good for all of us.
That way we get our grief out,

and then we never have to talk
about this ever, ever again.

[Doorbell Rings]

Hi. Oh, careful.
There's a thing.

Yeah. Good to see you.


Hi! Oh, my God.
Hi. I'm Claire.

You must be- Oh.
Yeah. Hi.

Well- Okay.

You're even prettier
than the pictures
that Phil's always posting.

- Just a couple.
- Oh?

Shut up. Every week.
He loves showing you off.

And my boyfriend likes
your Acapulco pictures,
probably a little too much.

Well, thank
your boyfriend for me.

Come on in, please.

Oh, I brought you, um,
some lifting intensifier.

- Not that you need it.
It's a limited edition, so-
- Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, Denise, I think you
might know these people.

Uh, that's Haley-

- Alex and-
- Luke. Oh!

I had curly hair just like that
when I was little.

So? That doesn't
mean anything.


Why don't we,
uh, come on in,
have a seat. Please.

So what was my dad like
in high school?

Only the most amazing
break-dancer ever.

[Haley] No way.
Oh, don't fire it up.
What? What?

Oh, no.

He had a boom box
and a piece of cardboard
in his locker.

And what was
your dance name?
O-Zone. Yeah.

I drove him to his
Star Search audition.

- Which is totally political, by the way.
- [Haley] O-Zone.

- That is dead-ass funny.
I'm so calling you that.
- Thank you.

Wow. You really lucked out.

You have a beautiful wife,
a gorgeous house.

And those kids-
I could take Luke home with me.

Well, be my guest.

you go right ahead.

No! I like it here!


Alex, honey, will you
go find out what's wrong
with your brother?


You know, um, if it's okay,
I think I'm just gonna use the, um-

Oh, yeah. Of course.
Down the hall.

Left-hand side.
You can't miss it.

Okay, she's fantastic.

Yes. I feel awful.
When did I become this
horribly cynical person...

who assumes the worst
about people?

I first noticed it seven years-
You're not.

Such an idiot. Is it-

Oh, I'll show you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Thanks.

[Clears Throat]
So how are we
gonna do this?

I thought I'd just
point at the door.

So I was thinking-
I was thinking too.

is my hotel room key.

You can come by
whenever you want.

[Door Closes]

That was funny
this morning, huh-

when I pulled up next to you
at that stoplight?

- Funny?
- Yeah. Because I was on
the phone with my partner...

talking about how horrible
his boss was- his.

And then you pull up. So-

Anyway, I'm glad
I ran into you.

I'm getting worried they're
gonna move up our court date.

- I need you to bust ass preparing.
- [Cell Phone Rings]

'Cause if they
call us on Monday-
[Ringing Continues]

Uh, you need to get that?

No. It's fine.
It's just a...

picture of my daughter
standing for the first time.

Yeah, they do that.
It's a big day. Anyway,
I need you here tomorrow.

I know it's a Sunday,
but, uh, you think
you can be on time, okay?

Actually, um,
I have plans tomorrow,

uh, so I won't be here.

I-I have plans to stay
at home with my family and
do absolutely nothing. Okay.

But I will see you
on Monday.

So, you're in charge now,
is that it?

Well, I just figure if my daughter
can stand up, then so can I.

All right, look. We've all been
working hard lately, okay?

But that's the job.
So either come in tomorrow or
don't bother coming back again.



Need the, uh, I.D. To-

Make the elevator
go down to freedom...

and this to complete my set.

Turtle, reptile, pet.

Shel Turtlestein
was many things.

I don't think I can
do this without crying.

Maybe we should just
get to the cold cuts.

Well, we wanna hear it.

Jay, why don't you read it?
You were with him at the end.

"Shel Turtlestein was many things,
but above all, he was my friend.

"When I didn't get a date
with Fiona Gunderson,
Shel was there.

"When I didn't get to play
the part of Tevye, Shel was there.

"And when a raccoon
broke into my room,
unfortunately, Shel was there.

"I said a lot of things to my friend,

but the one thing I never
got to say was good-bye."

Stop. I know
what really happened.

- You do?
- I left a bag of chips near my bed.

The raccoon
must have smelled it.
It's my fault he's dead.

Sorry, Shel.

Jay, you don't have
anything to say to Manny?



Shel forgives you.

Thank you.

Oh, Denise.

These pictures are amazing.
Thank you.

Wow. Sweetie, that perm.

Technically, that's a Jheri curl.
[Claire] Oh.

I just love to take pictures.
I took this one of myself today.


You know what?
I'm gonna open
a bottle of wine.

No. No.
That's the worst idea.
Come on. You'll love it.

No, no.
I'm not in the mood.

What am I, raised
by a pack of wolves?

Hey. Come on now.


You weren't completely
wrong about Denise.

- How's that?
- She wants me.

- To do what?
- It. Her.

Oh. Oh, this is because
of the thing I said
about Facebook...

and everybody's hooking up,
and now you're disappointed.

No. She bit the air
right in front of me. Like that.

And then look
what she tried to give me.

Anything I can help with?

I can't find my corkscrew.

[Whispers] Touch me.
Okay. Denise, somewhere along
the line you got the wrong idea.

My head is full of wrong ideas.

You have such
great taste, Claire.
Thank you.

I remember Phil used to have
really good taste too.

Let me get a little of this.
Oh, here it is.

Phil, would you mind grabbing
us a couple glasses?
You betcha.

Need me to grab anything?

- Okay, this is so wrong.
- I know.

It's way more exciting when
she's in the room, isn't it?

I still have my cheerleader outfit.
So do I.

But this still can't happen.
When did that break?

- Why are you wussing out?
- I never wussed in.

What about all those things
you wrote on Facebook?

"How was your day?
My neck is so sore."

Why do people keep
adding voices to these things?
I didn't mean anything.

Are you telling me
that I wasted a year of my life
on this relationship?

- What relationship?
- How many other women
have you led on?

- Now I don't know!
- [Claire] Phil?

Phil, honey.

Do you remember
when you broke your arm
when we were first dating?

Yeah, uh, when I slipped
on the ice.

Right. That's so weird.
Because in this picture,

you're sitting with Denise
and you have a broken arm, so-

Yeah, that's- that's weird.

- So you were still dating her
when you started dating me?
- No.

- Phil?
- Yeah. Maybe.

There was a time, a little overlap...

when, uh, I was trying
to break things off with Denise.

You took me
to Santa Fe.

Santa Fe?
Phil, you told me
that was your father.

Okay, I know the pain is fresh,
but the lie is really old.

You know, this was a mistake.
I'm gonna leave.

Claire, if I were you,
I would kick him out.

Maybe he'd appreciate you more
after he spent a lonely night
in a hotel.

At the Radisson,
by the airport.

[Door Opens, Closes]

You quit?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
It was amazing.

No, no.
This is the new me, Cam.

I am not letting people
run my life anymore.

I should be nervous, but I'm not.
I'm excited for you.

Yes! It's exciting!
It's exciting.

Because you followed your heart,
and that is worth celebrating.

Cam, I just feel-

So liberated.

- Hey.
- And I'm not picking it up.

- Ooh! I like this guy.
- I do too.

Yes, we'll have
to cut back a little bit.

But isn't it worth it if
you feel like you're living
your life for the first time?

What were we
even waiting for?

You will go back
to teaching music,

and then I'll just find something
in a... few months.

And until then,
all we need to do
is just sit back...

and watch this little
miracle here dazzle us.

I'm tingling.
I am too.

It's like my heart is full
for the first time in forever.

Oh, God, it's really pounding.
[Patting Back]

It's like I feel the weight
of endless possibilities
just sitting on my chest-

- She is not doing anything, Cam.
- You're not panicking, are you?

Of course I am panicking.
No. Don't panic.
If you panic, I panic!

I just quit my job. Cam!
My God. Mitchell,
I am used to nice things.

What are we gonna do?
Okay. No, no.
Just calm down.

This is what we're gonna do.
I am going to- I'm gonna do
what I'm trained to do.

I am going to lie,
grovel, debase myself
until I get what I want.

I am a lawyer, damn it.

Mitchell! No.

Oh, no, you're right.
The tie.

No. We'll find
something better for you,

something that works
for all of us.

There's no Plan "B" here, Cam.

We have a mortgage. We have-
We have a child to support.

Hey, it's gonna be okay.

We're gonna figure it out.

I just want you to be happy,
and you will be happy.

And that is something
worth toasting.

Let's just drink the cheap stuff,
'cause we might have to sell that bottle.

- [Jay Groans]
- It's hard to sleep in a bed of lies.

Isn't it, Jay?
Kids get over
these things pretty quick.

He's probably sleeping
like a baby right now.

I'm sure he's wide awake,
full of guilt.

Well, I'm going to sleep.

[Jay Sighs]

Damn it!

Hello, Jay.

- What are you doing up?
- Waiting.

- Waiting for what?
- The truth. It wasn't a raccoon, was it?

Oh, all right. You got me.
I killed Shel.

All right? I'm sorry.
It was an accident.

- Why didn't you just tell me?
- Because I didn't want you
to be upset with me.

You and I got off to a rocky start.

Lately, it's been pretty good.

I was afraid I'd mess all
that up if you knew that I was
the one that killed your pet.

Now you're the guy
who killed my pet and made
a stupid lie about it.

Well, I don't think it was stupid.
I thought it was pretty clever.

I was just trying
to avoid past mistakes.


I know I can't make things
all better right now,
but maybe over time.


Get some rest.

Since we're confessing things,

you know
that scratch on your car?

The one that can't
be buffed out? Yeah?

- You should probably know
how it happened.
- I know how it happened.

Raccoon did it.

Good night, Jay.
Good night, kid.

Best thing I ever did
was quit a miserable job
and start my own business.

- Thanks, Dad.
- No, it's not gonna be easy.

That's why Gloria and I wanna
give you a little something
to help you through it.

- No, Dad, I can't.
- No. I want to, Mitch.

Okay, but as soon
as I'm back on my feet,
I really want to-

Oh. Oh, Dad. No. You-

You tried to give me this 20 years ago
when my pet snake died.

I did?

Zsa Zsa Gaboa?
Oh, that's adorable.

And you really didn't know
that he was gay?

I must've, right?