Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 20 - Benched - full transcript

Jay and Phil vie for the same coaching position on Manny and Luke's basketball team. Mitchell helps Cameron with a job interview, and Gloria and Claire talk about their kids growing up.


[Phil]
Steaks will be ready
in five minutes.

You're destroying those things.

Ay, Jay, leave him alone.
No, I'm sorry, but that cow
has suffered long enough.

- Fun.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.

Hang on. Dinner's
ready in five minutes.

Coach wants us
to practice layups.

They are deceptively hard-
a curious mix of dance and strength.

- You're making it lame again.
- Sorry.

- Ay, Dios mîo, that coach.
- Oh, I hate that guy.

He seems to have
the kids motivated.

Oh, Dad, you haven't seen him.
He taunts the kids. He's abusive.

Listen, if this was
a Colombian soccer league,
long time ago,

one of the kids would have
taken that guy out and-
[Cutting Sound]

A coach is supposed
to ride the kids hard.

- Phil, help me out here.
- He's a mean man.

Oh, you're such a woman.
Come to the game.
You'll see.

This guy's a real motherscratcher.
Pardon the language, Gloria.

- Mm-hmm.
- "Gloria"?

He better cool it,
or I'm gonna introduce him
to the Captain and Tennille.

[Mitchell]
Oh, hi.

Sorry we're late.
I was at work.

Oh, he loves to say that.
And happy barbecue.

Oh.
[Cameron]
Since Mitchell is between jobs,

I've taken a part-time job
at a greeting card store,

which I love.

Plus, with my discount,
we're saving a fortune.

How is spending a ton of money
on greeting cards
saving us a fortune?

It's math.

It's really not.
Look it up.

2.95. 2.95. 4.95.

Forty percent off.
2.95.

3.95.
Forty percent off.
Forty percent off.

Mitchell, I got this
golf buddy of mine.

Great guy. Super successful.
You two should talk.

It could mean a job for you.
Oh, thanks, Dad, but I'm-

I'm not really looking
for anything right now. But-
Yeah, that's right.

With me bringing home the bacon,
Mitchell doesn't have to rush into anything.

Yeah, I know you have all that
greeting card "screw you" money,

but, uh, talk to the guy?

He's expecting your call
in the morning.

Dad, I appreciate it,
but in the future-
I can't stand this.

I am sorry, but I-

No. Those steaks have been done
for five minutes.

I'm taking 'em off the grill.

I'm sorry. I know how it feels
to have him stick his nose
where it doesn't belong.

No biggie.
It's just Jay being Jay.

But one day I'm gonna be
a grandfather,

and then everybody better
hide their meat.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

[Sighs]
Ooh. Who's she?

I hate it when you do that.

[Chuckles]
Who's he?
It's Charlie Bingham.

He's the guy that my dad
wanted me to call.
I googled him. Look.

Oh, he owns Earthgear Apparel.
I have their ski pants.

Really? You don't-
You don't ski.

I have cargo pants
and I don't work at the docks.

God, I feel like such a slacker.
I mean, he has done so much
for being so young.

Okay, look. He's opened up
a dozen environmental foundations
and conservancies.

Wow.
So, you gonna-
you gonna call him?

I don't know. I mean, you know,
I sort of promised myself and you...

that I'd take
a little time off, and-

And you are loving
your time off.
Totally.

I am losing my mind.

As much as I love Lily-

which is, you know,
more than life itself-

I am- whoo- not cut out
to be a stay-at-home dad.

No, but it's Cameron's turn.
It's Cameron's turn to be
out in the world...

interacting with other grown-ups
while I get to stay at home...

and-and plot the death
of Dora the Explorer.

Like to fill her backpack
with bricks and throw her
into Candy Cane River.

So, I don't know. Should I-
Should I call him?

I don't know. Maybe just to
get your dad off your back.
Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, because
the last thing I want for you
is to take a job right now.

Mmm.
I am loving our life.

I am in a really dark space.

Being away from my Lily
is literally torture.

[Weeping]
And I can't pressure Mitchell,

but I really, really, really
just want him to get a job...

so I can go back to being
a stay-at-home dad/trophy wife!

- [Whistle Blows]
- [Woman] Guys, come on!

[Coach] Come on, ladies!
Move it! Goodness gracious!
Turtles run faster!

Come on!
Could you run any slower?

I dare you to run slower!

You see?
He's just trying
to light a fire.

Oh, I'll light him on fire!

Why do I always have to
come to these things?

Because you love your brother.

Why don't you make him come
to my orchestra concerts?

Because we love
your brother.
Good job, Luke.

- [Whistle Blows]
- [Crowd Shouting]

- Shoot!
- [Scattered Cheering]

Delgado,
you're killing me, man!

I love you, Manny,
no matter what!

[Coach]
Come on!

Okay.
[Chuckles]
That's great.

Okay, well,
I'll let you know. Right.

All right. Bye.
[Phone Beeps]

Uh, so, Charlie Bingham
just invited us over...

to his beach house
for a little get-together.
Oh. Uh, what did you say?

I said I'd check with you.
I mean, what do you think?

[Mouths Words]
What do you think?
[Sighs]

Well, I think it'd be rude
not to hear him out.

Yeah. I mean, yeah.
You're probably right.
Yeah.

- Okay.
- Cool.

And don't worry. You know,
I'm not gonna take any job.
[Laughs]

You better not.

[Sobbing]
I just miss-

I just-

I just-
[Babbling]

I just miss...
my grilled cheese sandwiches!

You're doing great, Luke-
if your goal is to suck!

Phil, you-
I'm on it.

Okay.
Wait for me.

[Whistle Blows]

Hey, Coach.
Yeah?

Uh, look. We appreciate
your passion,

but some of us are
worried that the yelling is
getting counterproductive.

I got this.
Come on, stupid!

No, you don't "got this."
What you got is a bad attitude.

Who are you?

I happen to be
the stepfather of-

- [Ball Swooshes]
- [Crowd Cheers]

Doesn't matter who.
What you need to start doing...

is a little more coaching
and a little less yelling.

'Cause if I hear you call one
of these kids stupid again,

I swear to God,
I'll throw a shoe at your head.

Screw it.
I don't need this.

You think you can do
a better job? You coach.

Jay, you know,
I was handling it.

Yeah, I saw how you broke out
Peaches and Herb.

It's the Captain and-
[Buzzer Sounds]

[Cheering]

Okay. So, your old coach
had to leave for a little while.

Why? Is he sick?

- Yes. He's very, very sick.
- Is he going to die?

Everybody dies, boys.
Let's focus on what's important.

Our next game is in one hour.
We are going to go from being
five fingers to being a fist.

How does that sound?
[All]
Great.

I can't hear you.
Great!

That's what
I'm talkin' 'bout!

All right, gentlemen.
I talked to the referee.
I'm coaching.

Oh, really? 'Cause I-
Phil, I coached football.

Jay, I actually coached basketball.
I think I can get these guys-

Relax. You've already got
the assistant job.

Now you think you can
round us up some waters?

- Yeah.
- Go ahead.

Gentlemen, this is what I need.
I want you to hit 'em,
and I want you to hit 'em hard.

[Phil]
Father-in-laws are tough,

because you can't let 'em
push you around...

and you also
have to show them respect.

It's like walking a tightrope.

Which, by the way, I can do,
because I went to trapeze school.

Did Jay? I doubt it.

All right,
when you back into-
Hey.

Honey, I'm gonna take off.
I'm gonna buy Alex some clothes.
Okeydoke.

How come you're not coaching?

'Cause your dad
coached football.

I'm sorry. And I am going
to make it up to you tonight.

And I'll be thinking
of your dad while you do.
Mmm.

Disturbing.

[Mitchell]
Hey, Phil.
[Cameron] Hey.

Hey.
How's it going?

Ay.
Great. Your dad
coached football.

Ah. A fellow victim.

Thank you again
for taking care of Lily.
I know it's last-minute.

Ay. Don't be silly.
We'll probably just stick
around for a few minutes.

You know how fussy she gets
when we pass her off, so-

Oh. She seems fine.
Yeah.

Ay. I think she's getting used
to being away from you now that
you have the new job.

[Whimpers]
[Laughs]

Mwah!
So proud of you.

We need to talk.
Okay. What happened?

Mom, I love you,

but your words of encouragement
encourage the other kids
to make fun of me.

Ay. Okay.

I won't say anything else
on the next game. Promise.

We both know that your Latin blood
makes that impossible.

I think it would be better
if you didn't come to the next game.

[Whimpers]

Oh.
I know.

I hate our house.
I know.

What's-
What's this thing?

I don't know,
but it's fancy.

Stop- Stop playing with it.
Come on. Just-
Don't break it.

- [Doorbell Rings]
- ♪♪ [Stereo: R & B]

Hey, Mitchell!
Yes.

Charlie Bingham.
Nice to meet you.

Hi.
This is my partner,
Cameron Tucker.

Pleasure.
Cameron.

So, we just went ahead
and parked on that round
thingy in the driveway.

Is that-
That's fine, right?
No problem.

It's a turntable,
so you don't have to back out.

Oh.
[Chuckles]

You have a car turntable
and you're wearing rubber.
You're like Batman.

[Laughs]
I really am.

Come on in.

Turn the music down!

[Muttering]
Wow.

[Groans]
Pardon the get-up.

Killer waves today.
You guys surf?

Um, only for bargains
on the Web.
Ah. Everybody say hi.

Hi.
Hello.

Hi. That's Jolie. She's head
of my Europe division.
Hi.

She cheats at poker.
You do.

And that's my girlfriend, Jenny.
She makes a hell of a margarita.
Want one?

Absolutely.
Oh, not right- Okay.

Everybody, Mitchell Pritchett
and his partner, Cameron.

Business partners.
Mergers and acquisitions.
[Chuckles]

I'm kidding. We're gay.
Stop talking.

When things are relaxed,
I'm great in social situations.

I would have fit in
at the Algonquin Round Table.

But when the stakes are high,
I get a little tense.

I'd be the guy that would
knock over the round table.

Then Dorothy Parker
would make a quip,
James Thurber would laugh,

and then I would end up
leaving, crying.

How long you been on the lam?
What?

Honey, you are looking around
like the feds are after you.

No, I'm not.
Let's just get this over with.

Oh. All right.
Oh, no. It's them.

[Chattering, Laughing]

Oh! Oh, you know
those girls from school.

Hey!
Let's go! Over here.

What-
What is your problem?
[Sighs] Nothing.

I'll meet you at the car
in an hour.

Please, Mom. Please.

Hi, Jenna.
Hi.

[Girls Laughing, Chattering]

[Claire] And just like that-
my baby girl became a teenager.
[Snaps Fingers]

She entered that dreaded phase
where my very existence
embarrasses her.

I-I think I can help.
[Sighs]

You're not your mom.

Wow. That's your mom.

Oh, I just got chills.

So, first off, I'm a fan.

- Saw you in court once.
- [Chuckles] Seriously?

Yeah. Mayhew versus Propyltech.

- You are a good lawyer.
- I don't know.

If you'd handled my divorce,
this house would be twice as big.

Oh, he's better than good.
Try winning an argument with him.

Last night I wanted
to have Indian food-
And we're talking again.

Top of your class
at Cornell and Columbia Law.
Had your pick ofjobs,

but instead chose to work
in environmental law-
until last month.

Well-
And he used to be
a really great figure skater.

- Why'd you quit?
- His sister lost interest,
and then there was-

He means my job.

Could tell me
about figure skating too.

Um, well, it was-
She did lose interest.

That's enough.
Okay.

Ay, qué linda.
Ay, qué linda.

Oh, my gosh. I didn't know
you guys were gonna be here.
Hola, Claire.

Mwah!
Hi, Lily.
[Kisses]

I had enough basketball
for one day.

Oh, I know.
Come here, sweetie.

Oh, sweet thing.
You love me and you want me
to buy you a dress.

Ay. But I'm gonna buy her
some shoes first.
Mmm.

What's that, Lily?
Do you want me to buy you a dress?

She said "yes."

"Yes"?

She did not say "yes."

Okay, "Win" on three.

[All]
One, two, three- Win!

Don't forget the pick and roll.
These guys won't know
how to defend it.

Phil, try not to confuse
my boys, okay?
Okay.

I sleep with your daughter.
What?

Good luck!
[Whistle Blows]

All right. Let's go!
Let's go! Come on. Let's go!

- Let's get out there. Hustle up.
Get the tip, get the tip.
- [Whistle Blows]

[Boy]
Watch, skip and go.
[Jay] Oh!

All right. Keep the hustle,
keep the hustle. Come on, boys.
Don't let 'em push you around.

Oh! All right, little defense!

Play defense!

I did a little scouting,
and the other team
only has two shooters.

If we isolate both of them-
Good, Phil, good.
Thank you. Good.

Manny, pay attention!
What are you looking at?

What?
[Crowd Gasps]

Oh!

[Mitchell]
And that was in 2004.

So, tell me this. What are
the regulatory challenges
of a solar farm?

Uh, well, you know,
it could be anything-
uh, agricultural-

[Slurping]
Military,
protected species,

ironically, even some,
uh, environmental groups.

I think you got all of it.

Mmm.
Think you got it.

Yeah. I'm just gonna
freshen this up.

Let me ask you a question.
Yeah.

How do you like the beard?
I'm thinking of growing one.
Jenny's against it.

Oh. Well, I-I've been
very happy with mine.

That's it. I'm doin' it.

Look, I've made a fortune.
I want to use it for some good.

I need a lawyer
to help me navigate.

I like you. You get me.
So, in or out?

Wow. I just-
[Clattering]

- I'm very sorry.
- It's okay.

Um, that's
a very big question.

You know, I'm obviously
gonna have to go talk to my-

[Clattering]
Bull in a china shop.

I'll be right back.
Sure. Talk it over.
It's a major life decision.

Hey, Jenny!
The beard is on!

Okay, Lily, it's time to buy
you beautiful shoes.

Oh, no, no, no.
I saw another really
cute dress for her.

Ay. But she has already
six new dresses.
What she needs is strappy shoes.

Oh- Oh, oh. There's Alex.
I'll-I'll see you later.

Alex, honey. Hi.

Mom, I said
I'd meet you at the car.

[Alex Sighs]

Mmm. Here.

Thank you.
Mmm.

Still wish you had a daughter?

Manny didn't want me
at the game today.
Oh, I'm sorry.

It's okay.
No, it's not okay.
It sucks.

I miss babies.
They never tell you to go away.

Yeah.
Or wait in the car.

I don't know about you,
but I'm not gonna stand here
and feel sorry for myself.

You know what
we should do?

Get pregnant.

I was gonna say
go for ice cream.

Okay. We'll do yours first.
Great.

[Whistle Blows]
Luke! Luke!

It's hard to guard a player
if there's no player near you!

[Grunts]
We good in the hood?

This is a uniquely frustrating
group of boys.

I hear you. Um,
one thing that might help-

instead of a zone,
if you switch to a simple
man-to-man.

I got this.
Really?

'Cause according to
the scoreboard, the only thing
you got is four points.

Good luck.

[Ball Swooshes]

I need to talk to you.
I need to talk to you.

Nice top.

Come here.
You- You-

Cam- Cam, you have got
to relax. I told you I wouldn't
take a job without-

Take the job.
What?

I want you to take the job.

I thought you liked
having me home with Lily. I-

I don't. I mean, I do.
I just- I miss my time with Lily,

and I know it's selfish
of me, but-

No, I want the job.
You do?

Oh, my God, yes.
I- I love Lily,
but I hate baby talk.

I wuv baby talk.

[Both Laugh]
Oh!

Let's go get this job.
Let's get this job.
[Laughs]

Okay.
Oh, no.

[Doorknob Clicking]
It's locked.

- Well, just-
- ♪♪ [Stereo: Dance]

[Mitchell] Hello?
[Cameron]
Hey, guys?

[Knocking]
Oh, my gosh.

They're not gonna hear us.
We're trapped out here.

Just stop being so dramatic.
We'll just go through
the garage, with the-

That's why he wants to hire you.
You're good in crisis.

Ooh, yeesh. What-
[Whirring]

- [Crash]
- [Whirring Stops]

[Whirring Resumes]

It's not opening.
Push it again.

I'm hearing things,
but it's not-
Push it harder.

- [Crash]
- That's not- Is it this one?

I hear something.
What is that?

No. Stop touching-
Stop-

[Garage Door Opens]
This- Oh, that was it.
All right.

Mitchell! Oh, my God.
Did-
No!

Oh, my God!
No, Cam!

Cam, we-
Did we do that?
What are we gonna say?

Oh-
Oh.

I will take the job.

Kinda think
you have to now.
Yeah.

[Jay]
Guys, you're on the same team!

Time out!
[Whistle Blows]

- [Referee] Time out!
- Get over here!

Guys, earlier we practiced
a few set plays.

Did any of them involve
wrestling the ball
from your own teammate?

But you said
to be aggressive.
Yeah!

Not on your own team!
Wait here.

You gotta coach.
I can't take it.

You talkin' to me?
Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.
You gotta take over.

I'm about to
lose it out there.
That sounds tough, Coach.

- What's your problem?
- Hey, Coach! Ticktock.

I was dealing with the coach.
You pushed me aside.

I was dealing with the boys.
You pushed me aside.

Believe it or not, Jay,
there are some things that
I am better at than you are.

Bam! It's out there.
Oh, for God's sake.

Coach!
He's calling you.

Listen. I don't blame you
for being angry. All right?

I'm used to taking charge.
That's all.

I should have let you coach
from the get-go.
And?

I love you.
No. The barbecue.

Oh, for God's sake.

I'm sure your steaks
would have been delicious...
and not chewy.

Okay. I'll do it.
Thanks.

And so the student
becomes the master.
The once mighty-

You know what? Forget it.
No, no, no, no.
I'm good. I'm good.

Hey, hey. Guys. Who wants
to go out like a champ?

Yeah!
Me!

I love it! Okay, Jordy,
you inbound to Luke.

Manny, you set a pick
on Luke's man
and roll to the bucket.

Luke, you know
what to do.
No, I don't.

Bounce-pass to Manny.
But, Dad-

Coach, Manny hasn't taken
a single shot all season.

Then chances are
he'll be open.

[Blows Whistle]
Okay, guys. Let's bring it out.

Hey, hey. Bring it in.
Let's show these guys what kind
of team they're about to beat.

Huh? "Li'I Dribblers"
on three.

[All]
One, two, three-
Li'I Dribblers!

Okay, red ball. Side out.
Here we go.
[Blows Whistle]

[Phil]
What's my coaching philosophy?

- Give a kid a bird-
- Yes!

And he becomes one of those
weird dudes who walks around
with a bird on his shoulder.

But give him a pair of wings,

he can fly.

[All Groan]

Unless he has absolutely
no hand-eye coordination.

Okay, I support you.

[Laughing]

[Exhales]

Hey, Mom.

That was 20 minutes.
[Exhales]

Mom, I am so, so sorry.

I know it's no excuse,

but I've been feeling a lot
of pressure at school.

You know, with friends.

And I love you so much,
and I appreciate everything
you do for me.

I'm still your little girl.

Oh, honey!
That was so sweet.

Can I get $20?
A bunch of us are going to a movie,

and we're gonna get something
to eat afterwards.

Jenna's brother's gonna
take us home.

Okay. Of course.
Sweetie, you know what?
Take 40.

Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. That's right.

Thanks, Mom.
Go on.
Have a great time.

Oh, Alex, honey?
When you're out shopping,

you might wanna pick
yourself up a training bra.

I know you don't need one now,
but your little boobies
are gonna come in soon.

Mommy loves you, kitten!

Mwah! Mwah!

[Engine Starts]
Teach her to screw with me.

I set a pick and then rolled
towards the basket.

Luke passed to me.
I shot the ball and almost made it.

[Sighs]
¡Ay!

I bought Lily the cutest
little dress today.
[Giggles]

And then I stole the ball
from the other team,

did a 360
and almost dunked it.

That's nice. Ay. I just had
the best day today with Lily.

That girl's so sweet.

I have a game next Saturday.
You could come.

No, it's okay. I wouldn't
want to embarrass you.

I'll probably take Lily out
for cupcakes. Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Any suggestions?

I usually go with earrings.

[Slurps]

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