Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - My Funky Valentine - full transcript

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, happy Valentine's Day.

[Clicks Tongue]
Aw!
Oh!

So, Fratelli's tonight?
Hello, cannoli canoe.

[Jay]
I like it. Nice fit.

Swanky material.

Jay, you look
so strong and sexy.

Like an Olympic wrestler,
but with money.
[Both Laugh]

Your turn.
Okay.
[Chuckles]

This is my favorite day
in America.
Happy Valentine's Day, gorgeous.

[Gasps]
They're huge!



Oh, my God.
Yeah, those will work.

Beautiful.
You can wear 'em tonight.

I have a surprise.
[Gasps]

Don't tell me you're finally
taking me salsa dancing!

And who's David Brenner?
Only a Vegas legend.

Is he a magician?
'Cause I love magicians.

He's a comedian.
A comedian?
It's Valentine's Day.

I thought we were going salsa
dancing, not to watch a comedian.

You're gonna love him.
Trust me.

The guy's hilarious.
Okay, tell me
one of his jokes.

He doesn't do jokes.

Does he have a mallet?
No.

So then how does he
get hit in the head?

He doesn't get hit
in the head.



He- He makes observations.

He tells the truth
in a funny way.

Come on. He's been on
Johnny Carson a hundred times.

Who the hell
is Johnny Carson?
Oh, for God's sake.

Gloria and I are
from different generations.

And I won't lie-
It isn't always easy.

I mean, last week she thought
Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.

No I didn't.
It was a joke.

I don't get it.
Maybe that's because
there's no mallet.

Yeah, I wish
I had a mallet right now.

[Mitchell]
...was to stay
in Northern California.

Did you indicate to her how long
that you were gonna take?

Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day,
Daddy.
Happy Valentine's Day, Lily.

[Clears Throat]
Notice anything different?

Oh, that is cute.
Cute?

We spent a lot of time
on this.
[Chuckles]

I don't see how.
You just cut up one of your boas.

Uh- Actually, no.
We repurposed it.

It was sort of
a Bob Mackie meets
Martha Stewart project.

Okay. Well, we just
thought it would be
a nice surprise.

It's hardly a surprise.
I mean, you dress her up
for every holiday.

I was giving her
a bath last night,

and I still saw traces
of Martin Luther King
behind her ear.

- All right. Not in the spirit. We get it.
- No, I'm-I'm sorry.

No. It's adorable. I just-

I'm really nervous
about my closing argument.

Oh, you've been
rehearsing for weeks.
You're gonna be great.

Let's hope so.
Hey, and I was wondering-

Since you're gonna be
in court all day-
You can open the chocolates.

Score.
[Doorbell Rings]

Hi, Dylan.
Happy Valentine's Day,
Mrs. Dunphy.

Oh. Dylan, thank you.
That is so sweet.

You know, all women
should look as tasty
as you when they're old.

Huh. Conflicted.

Hey, baby.

Hey. Take this sweet gift
as a token of my affection,

my unending love
and admiration-

Oh, my God.
Yay, it's big!

[Gasps]
Oh, my God.

I love it.
It's the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

Seriously, you gotta
put a black light on it.
It'll blow your mind.

Wow! Dylan, I didn't
know you could paint.
Oh, I didn't.

I just took a photo and I
put it through this program
that turns it into a painting.

Oh.
Oh.

So you two
actually did...

that.
Uh-huh.

Yeah. Okay.
Let's go put this
over my bed.

Not- No, no.
Mm-mmm.

You don't need to be
in the bedroom at all.

I'll take it.

[Phil]
Did he trump me?
D-Money.

You tell me.
He made a painting out
of a photograph one time.

I have hand-picked a card,

drawn a heart in the steam
on the medicine cabinet,

and taken Claire
to Fratelli's,

a family-style
Italian restaurant,

for 17 years in a row.

Yeah, he got me.
He got me.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

Bye, honey.
See you later.

See you later.
Phil, what is that?

You know,
we don't have to go
to Fratelli's tonight.

Okay, what do you
have in mind?

Well, I thought you might
enjoy a night at a hotel.

I would, but would you
and the kids be okay?

I meant together.
Yes, I know.

Oh.
I know. I know.
I got it.

So, what do you think?

I think you're not getting
any sleep tonight,

so you might want
to take a nap at work today.

I always do.

Phil? Sweetie.

As long as we're talking about
being a little bit naughty,

what would you say
to a little role-playing?

Role-play?
Mm-hmm.

I'm in.
I'll set up sleepovers
for the kids.

And I'll swing by after work
to pick you up.
No, no.

Why don't you meet me
in the hotel bar and see
if you can pick me up there.

Careful, lady.
You're gonna wake up
a sexy sleeping giant.

[English Accent]
Perhaps I'll be Reginald Appleby,

an English gentleman
in town for a polo match.

Phil-
Or...

[Chinese Accent]
Honorable businessman
from Hong Kong.

Kinda wrecking it.

[German Accent]
It's not a big deal,
Claire.

I just train tigers
for a living.

- [Inhales Sharply]
- [Normal Voice]
Too- No?

Are these rose petals?
Yes, to commemorate our love.

[Sighs] I had to settle.
Well, your mom
might think so,

but a lot of people think
I'm a catch.
No. The case.

I- I was this close
to nailing it,

and then my client
gets scared and settles.
I'm sorry.

Maybe you'd like a chocolate.
Notice that I have not
eaten any of the chocolates.

There were two levels.
You know it and I know it.

This is so frustrating.

I had one of the greatest
closing arguments of all time-

all about the big government
rolling over the little guy,

and I even had
this great moment at the end...

where I would point
to the state seal
and I'd say, "Shame!"

Oh, that's what you were doing
in the shower.

I was a little worried.
[Doorbell Rings]

Um, that's Manny. I said
we would watch him tonight.
I hope you don't mind.

I didn't know you were
gonna be going through all this.

No, it's fine.
It might be nice
to have him around.

[Chuckles]
He always make me laugh.
Hi, Manny.

The universe is cold
and loveless.

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh. Bad Valentine's Day?

[Sighs]
I went for the gold-
Fiona Gunderson.

I poured my heart
and soul into a poem,
left it on her desk.

I even burned the edges
to make it look fancy.

- And she didn't like it?
- Oh, she loved it.

But this kid Durkas
told her he wrote it.

Well, Manny, why-why didn't you
just tell her the truth?

She was already gone.

And she's on a date with him
at my favorite restaurant,
Great Shakes.

How do you know all this?
I invited her in the poem.

Right after the line of,
"My love is deeper
than the Great Lakes."

- Okay, well,
this is unacceptable.
- Oh, boy. Here we go.

No, it's not that big of a deal.
This is what we're gonna do.

We're gonna shoot over
to Great Shakes, get a table.

Manny can reclaim
the love of his life.

You and I can get
a couple Mudslides.

I don't know.

Durkas is gonna be there.
I've seen the kid do a pull-up.

Hey, Manny,
it's Valentine's Day.

It's not the day
you run away from love.

It's the day you track it down,
tie it up and take it home.

Now, if we can pull this off,
you and your little lady friend...

will be belly up
to a ice cream counter having
a milk shake with two straws.

What do you say?

I like it.

[Brenner]
Thank you. Thank you.

Scientists-
They don't know
why this is true,

but it's true.

Women with big rear ends
live longer.

Man who tell 'em that don't.

Did you read
about this man,

a 91 -year old
bank robber in Texas?

He goes into a bank-

"The hell did I want?"

They had over 4,000 photos of him
escaping from the bank.

[Laughter, Applause]

See?

He's funny, huh?

♪♪ [Piano: Smooth Jazz]
[Chattering]

Mind if I join you?

I'm Clive.
Clive Bixby.

Yes, I can see that.
I'm Juliana.

So, Clive, you in town
for a convention,

or do you just
forget your name a lot?

Pretty kitty has nails.

I like that.

I'm in town
for a trade show.

I design high-end
electroacoustic transducers.

Wow, that is very...

specific.

It's a fancy way of saying
I get things to make noise.

Hmm.
[Softly]
Two.

So, what's your story?

Miss America Pageant
in town?

You're a pretty
smooth talker, Clive.

I'm pretty smooth all over.

Sir, there's
no smoking in here.

Oh, that's fine.
I'm not actually a smoker.

You're quite the Boy Scout, Clive.

Tell me, would you
be interested in earning
a merit badge tonight?

Do you know anything
about tying knots?

I probably shouldn't be
talking to you.

I'm a married man.
Ah.

Well, I just so happen
to like married men.

Tell me about your wife.
Well, she's beautiful,
of course.

Really?
Well, if she's so very beautiful,
why are you here with me?

Because
she's always so tired...

and she's always making lists
of things for me to do.

Maybe if you did them
she wouldn't be so tired.
Oh, no.

She can make lists
for days.

But back to your mouth
and how sexy it is.

Mm-mmm. I wanna go back
to these alleged lists
and your nagging wife.

I'm not talking about you.

[Exhales]

I didn't mean that.
Can we try this again?

Yeah.

So if your wife is so beautiful,

why are you here with me?

Because...

I respect her too much...

to do to her...

what I'm going to do
to you?

Oh, jackpot.

I'll be right back, Clive.

[Chattering]

Do you have eyes on her?
Is she here?

Two o'clock-
blonde at the back table.

Yep. I have a visual.

[Mitchell]
Let's not talk
like that anymore. Over.

Okay, this is it. I'm off to win
the heart of my beloved.

Well, this is nice.
I mean, if we can't have
our own Valentine's Day,

it's nice that we can
give somebody else one.

All right, Cam.
I'm sorry.

I'm sor- I'm sorry
I have not been attentive.

I've been spending
the last five months...

pouring my core beliefs
into the greatest speech
that I will ever write,

and then that moment
gets taken away.

- Hey, buddy. How'd it go?
- I can't do it, not while Durkas is there.

He has the natural confidence.
I admire it and fear it.

We will deal with him directly.
We need a plan.

[Clicks Tongue]
Could you be more dramatic?

[Exaggerating]
We need a plan.

[Laughter]
In Oregon,

the state legislature
ratified a, uh, bill...

that from now on
it is a crime...

to have sex in Oregon
with a farm animal.

How ugly are the women
in Oregon?

[Laughter, Applause]

He's funny, Jay.
I know. See?

- I can tell you're not-
you're not from Oregon.
- No.

You are gorgeous.
Thank you.

Thank you for bringing
your father to the show.

Oh, no.
I'm her husband, Dave.

- No kidding.
- Yeah.

What's it like to be married
to someone who was there
when the Bible was written?

What was it called then?
Just "The Testament"?

That's, uh- That's-
That's good stuff.

Oh, now he's trying
to turn out the light.

Phone call.
Over there.

Hello?
Uh, yes. Hello.

Mr. Durkas?
Yeah.

[Southern Accent]
This is Don Jolly...

with the Great Shakes corporate office,
and I have good news for you.

You have been selected
to take part in a random survey...

that you could win
cash and prizes.

Does that sound like something
you'd be interested in?

Yeah, sure.
Okay, just a few
simple questions for you.

Would you please rank
your favorite ice creams
at Great Shakes...

from least favorite to favorite?

- I don't know 'em by heart.
- There should be a menu
right there to your right.

To your right.
Mm-hmm. There you go.

- Oh. Hi, Manny.
- Hi, Fiona. Can I join you?

I guess so.
Thanks.

And you don't have to worry
about him cheating.
That's for sure.

Because if he does,
you'll catch him...

when he comes home
with two sets of teeth in his mouth.

Yeah.

So tell me,
on the wedding night,
what-what did he do?

Did he say he wanted to change
into something comfortable
and go into a coma?

Listen, I gotta
use the men's room.

Nuh-uh.
I gotta use the men's room.
I'll be right back.

Where you going? Wait a minute.
I'm only joking. That's what I do.

You know,
you're way younger
than I am.

You just don't look it.

Clive, I have a little
something for you.

What is it?

My dress.
Oh, th-

My bra.
Oh, my G-

My underwear.

My God.
Yeah.

What do you say
we take this upstairs?

This is so much better
than cheesy garlic bread.

Mmm.

[Durkas]
Chocolate.
Uh-huh. Go on.

Vanilla.
I'm taking copious notes.

Keep goin', Mr. Durkas.

So, why would Ted say
he wrote the poem if he didn't?

Maybe because you're
the cutest girl in school,

and you have a laugh
that makes science lab
seem like recess.

Would you be more
or less inclined to visit
a Great Shakes establishment...

if you knew your satisfaction
was guaranteed?

That's a dumb question.
Excuse me. It is not
a dumb question, Mr. -

Tarnation! He hung up.
Then you can drop
the accent.

Delgado. What are you
doing here?

Discussing poetry.
Maybe you'll like
to recite some of yours.

[Ted]
I'm not gonna recite anything.

Just admit you didn't
write the poem.

I don't know
what he's talking about.

Get out of here before
you get your butt kicked.

I'm going over there.
No, I got this.

[Exhales]

Whoa! Whoa, sir! Sir?
Turn around.

Sir, you have no right
to claim ownership
of another person's work.

- Who are you?
- I'm a lawyer.

You have a lawyer?

It is one thing to lie,

but then to bully this young man-
it's unforgivable.

[Chattering Stops]
And this is what's wrong
with the world today.

The big guy...

thinks that he can roll
right over the little guy...

until the little guy says,
"Enough."

And that's what
this little guy's doing-

right here, right now.

Can we stop
calling me "little guy"?
I'm in the 40th percentile.

Shh. I got this.

Ted Durkas clearly
did not write that poem.

I know it.
He knows it.

Deep down
in your heart, Fiona-

[Exhales]
You know it too.

Shame!

Fine! Whatever.
I stole his stupid poem.

- [Fiona] You did?
- I told you.

There you go.

I only did it
because I had the feelings,

I just didn't know
how to show 'em.

Really?
That's the sweetest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

You've gotta be kidding me.

- Let's get out of here.
This chick's crazy.
- Seriously.

I've never seen you
like that.

You have no idea
how good that felt.

Well, happy Valentine's Day,
counselor.

This is all happening
so fast, Juliana.

I know, and I have to be home
to my husband by midnight.

Ooh, a twist.

Phil!
Phil, my coat is stuck.

Who's Phil?
No, not now!
Seriously.

My coat is stuck.
Oh, oh.
Honey, take off your coat!

Are you kidding me?
Pull it.
Oh, my goodness.

Pull it.
Come on. Come on.

[Claire]
Oh, boy.
Not good. Not good.

[Buzzer Sounds]
[Escalator Stops]

[Gasps]
Okay. Okay. Okay.

Come on up. Treat 'em like
they're regular stairs.

It's okay.
Come on through.

Happy Valentine's Day.
You look lovely.

So do you.
Not in a weird way.
Yeah.

How are you? Hi.
Hi.

Happy Valentine's-
Let me just get in here.
Let me get in here.

Okay?
Phil?

Hey, Tom.
Hi.

How are you? Honey-

Claire, you remember
Tom Mickleson from the office
and his wife, Susan.

I do. Hey.
Is your coat stuck?

It is. It really is.
It's in there pretty darn good.

Why don't you
take it off?
Um, I'm freezing cold.

At least let me
give it a shot.

[Phil]
Oh, I don't think-
No, no, no. I got it.

Mr. And Mrs. Dunphy?
Hey.

Principal Balaban.
Hey, how are you?

[Claire]
Hi.
Who's Clive Bixby?

Oh, uh, he makes speakers.

He's actually in town
for a trade show.
Phil.

My, are you stuck?
Yeah, I am.
A little bit.

Why don't you take off
that coat?
Um, I'm chilly.

It's really
jammed in here.

Let me in there.
I'll get you.
No, I think we're okay.

Mrs. Dunphy?

Are you kidding me?

Hi! Luke's math teacher,
Ms. Passwater.

[Chuckling]
"Passwater."

[Laughter, Applause]

Ah, Jay, papi,
don't pay attention
to what he's saying.

He's just being funny.
Because he points out
the truth.

Those people were laughing
because they saw it too.

What do you care
what they think?
I don't.

I care what you think.

I love you.
You're my valentine.
Yeah, for now.

But what about when I'm 80
and I'm in a wheelchair,
on oxygen?

You still gonna want me?

Do you think I'm so shallow
that I'm gonna leave you
when you're old?

What if I gain
a hundred pounds?
You gonna leave me then?

No.
What's with the pause?

Well, it's not exactly fair.
I mean, I have to get old.

You don't have to get fat.
If I want to get fat, I get fat.

Okay, fine. And if you do,
I'll be there. You'll see.

Yeah, watch me.
Watch me, how I get fat.

I can get fat.
And I'll be there.

[Laughs]
Good.

You wanna go back in?
No.

I got a better idea.

Let's go salsa dancing.
This guy's not that funny.

[Gasps]
Perfect.

We're good! We're good!
I talked to Maintenance.

They're- They're-
They're coming, so go on ahead.

See you guys.
See you later.

See you in school.
Good to see you guys.

Maintenance is gonna
take care of it.

So we're fine.
Okay. Okay, how long
till they get here?

I was faking it.
No one's coming for us.

Well, then, go and get them!
Hurry!

That was the most
embarrassing moment
of my life.

Claire! Phil!

Stand by.

Hey.

- What, did you get your belt stuck?
- I did. Yeah.

Take your coat off.
Here, let me help you.

No, no, Dad.
Dad, I'm fine.
Come on!

What are you, naked under there?

Aw, geez.
It's okay.

I got this.
Okay.

Claire,
follow my lead, okay?

Okay.

[Claire]
Wow. Okay.

Thank you.
It has happened
to me before.

That was impressive.

Take it down a notch,
Clive.

[Phil]
You okay?
Yeah. I'm good.

All right.
I'm good.

Happy Valentine's Day.
[Claire]
Happy Valentine's Day.

Chao.
Okay. See ya.

Bye.
Good night.

Oh. That's-
[Laughs]

Sorry.
See you, guys.

[Claire]
Hi, honey.

[Phil On Speaker]
Hey, I just wanted to tell you
how great you were last night.

Uh, Phil-
Sorry I got the, uh-
the oil everywhere, but, hey—

Uh, sweetie-
They're not our sheets, right?

Honey- Honey, remember
when the salesman told us...

that the Sienna was built with
the whole family in mind?

Yeah.
Well, the whole family
just heard that.

Uh- Uh- Guess-

I guess the Bluetooth works.

Mmm.
Why did you have oil?

Because, buddy,
we were making French fries.

In your room?

[Claire]
Why don't you guys
just pop in a DVD?

ENGLISH - US - PSDH