Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Fears - full transcript

Haley confronts a terrifying driving examiner in her third attempt to pass the road test. Alex is nervous about a school dance. Gloria taunts Jay and Manny to ride a roller coaster. Phil and Luke look for treasure under the house.

What am I most afraid of?
Hmm. Let's see.

Global warming...
and getting a "B."

The phone ringing
in the middle of the night.

That I'm too much
of a perfectionist.

Honey, this isn't
a job interview.

Oh, man.

Job interviews.

Yeah, right.
What about the pigeons?

Oh, I don't like them.
They're shifty.

Losing Mitchell.

Hotel bedspreads. Ooh.

Never getting
my driver's license.

Or getting one
and the picture sucks.

Dying alone.

Oh, Haley, sweetie,
did you find your shoes?

Mom, please, not today.
I just wanted to know
if you found your shoes.

Why are you hounding me?
I'm freaking out right now.

You need to relax.
It's just a driver's test.

It's my third driver's test,
and if I fail again,

I have to wait six months
to retake it.

That's six more months of you
driving me everywhere.

Then I'm, like, "There's no way
I'm wearing that." And she was, like-

"Well, if you don't wear it,
then you can't play."

And then I was, like,
"That's fine by me."
Honey, like.

And then she was, like,
"Well, if you don't play-"
Like! Like!

Mom! Stop!
Stop saying "like"
all the time.

You're embarrassing me! Stop it!
Like, like, like, like, aah!


Haley. Found your jacket.

Why is everyone on me?

Ignore her. She can't focus
on two things at once.

Always a good quality
in a driver.

Sweetie, we need
to get you some shoes
for the dance tonight.

No, we don't.
I'm not going.
What are you talking about?

Why would you
not be going to the dance?

[Exhales] Because
school dances are lame.

A bunch of immature boys
trying to impress you
with how cool they are...

when they're really
just a bunch of dorks.

[Australian Accent]
Ready to go down under, mate?


- What are you doing?
- [Together] Treasure hunting.


A few days ago, the cable guy
was under the house.

When he was leaving,
he said to Haley,

"Wow. That's quite a collection
you've got down there."

Here's the thing. We have no idea
what he's talking about.

All week, Luke and I have been
getting more and more excited
about what it could be.

I bet it's really cool
old magazines.

Yeah. Or a bunch
of necklaces made
out of animal teeth.

Or bugs frozen
in amber.

What if it's really
expensive bottles of wine?
Or a suit of armor.

[Video Game Sounds]
What if there's ancient
Indian arrowheads under there?

What if it's gold bars?
Oh, you think?

For God sakes, why don't you
go under the house and look?

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

Hey, Cam.
Cam, where did we
get this dolly from?

From Janice and Olivia.
They brought it over yesterday.
Lily loves it.

Seems a little frilly,
you know, coming from them.

What, because they're lesbians?
That's sort of an offense stereotype,
don't you think?

Yeah, I suppose. I'm sorry.
Oh, hey, did they
bring back our coffee maker?

No. It was too big.
They were on their motorcycle.

We got off to an awkward start
with our pediatrician,
a very nice Asian lady-

Named Dr. Miura.

So I took the bold step
of inviting her over for brunch.

I'm sorry. Uh, bold?

She said no patient
had ever done it before.

Yeah. Subtext,
"This is weird."

I didn't hear any subtext.

Do you hear any now?

I don't even know
why we're doing this.

Because what if Lily gets sick
and there's a Tamiflu shortage?

Who do you think's
gonna get that medicine?

The patient she likes,
that's who.

Well, maybe if you
bake her a cake,
she'll give us free X-rays.

It's all about making connections.

Why do you think the dentist
gives me all that free stuff?

Um, because he's
a huge queen and he has
a big crush on you.

Really? Do you think so?

[Gloria] Hmm?

- I have a fever.
- Ay, mi amor.
Come here and I feel you.

Ooh. I don't wanna
get you sick.
It could be fatal.

Then by all means,
stand next to me.

Let me feel you.

Ay, papi, but you're not warm.

Uh, probably because
you were cooking
and your hands are warm.

I better skip the party
tomorrow just to be safe.

Oh. Yeah, the party.

The party.

I understand about 20%
of what goes on around here.

The party is
at an amusement park,

and Manny's afraid
of roller coasters.
Poor kid.

I don't know where
he gets his fear from...

because his father's
not afraid of anything.

No bulls, no heights,
no helicopters,
no fast cars-

But go to dinner with him
and wait for the check to come.

Then you'll see fear in his eyes.

Like the waiter's a ghost.


We're like Ponce de León
and his son, Little Ponce.

Who's that?
Famous treasure hunters.

His name was Ponce?
He'd get made fun of
at my school.

They'd probably
call him "Pants."


Or maybe, um, "Fancy Ponce."

That's a good one.

All right.

Let's do this.

Oh! Hey! Wow.

You okay, Dad?
Yeah. Yeah, I am.

Yep. Gonna take a little more
than getting trapped...

in a small, dark space
with a wild animal
to rattle your old man.

All right.
[Phil] You never want
your kids to see you scared.

You wanna be that rock
that they can grab
ahold of in a stormy sea.

Actually, a rock would sink.
So a floating rock.

Let's start over. It's windy,
and you've got a lot of papers.

Let's do this, buddy.

[Clears Throat]

Okay! Good recon.

Got the lay
of the land, so-

Aren't we going in?
Yep, we are.

But won't it be fun if we
did it with ski goggles
and barbecue tools?

I guess.

Let's do that.
All right.

Can I just say
that is a lovely outfit.

Oh. Thank you.
Well, it's just nice
to see you out of your lab coat.

You actually have
quite a nice figure.

Take it down a notch.
We're trying to make a friend,
not initiate a three-way.


- Lily looks great.
- [Cameron] Do you think so?

Shouldn't she have more teeth?
I see these kids running around
at the park,

and they look like sharks.

Don't worry.
She's perfect.

Aren't you, Lily?
Oh, look how calm
she is with you.

She's usually very fidgety
around new people.

Well, I just think
she senses you're gonna
be a good friend for her...

during good times
and- and flu season.


Did she just-

Did she just say-

Well, her first word...

was every gay father's
worst nightmare.


Jay, he won't admit it,

but I know
that Manny's sad because
he's missing the party.

Why don't we take him
somewhere to take
his mind off it, hmm?

I could have guessed
he'd have trouble
with roller coasters.

That kid gets woozy
at barbershops when they spin
his chair towards the mirror.

How about we take him
to the pier and go
fishing, huh? Manny!

He likes to fish?

He comes from a long line
of fishermen and smugglers.
But I encourage the fishing.

- Manny, you like to fish?
- Fishing? Yeah.

You want to go
to the pier today?

Is this a trick to see
if I'm really sick?

Maybe the fresh air
will make you feel better.

Well, then yeah,
'cause there's no place
where I'm more at one with-

Just get your coat.

Are you nervous?
Shut up, Alex.

I was just asking.
I'd be nervous
if I were you.

Alex, leave your sister alone.
She's gonna be fine.

As long as I don't
get the same guy.
He's so mean.

You probably will.
You won't.

He hates me.
He doesn't hate you.

He yelled at me.
You drove into the bushes.

Oh, no. It's him.
Please don't be for me.
Please don't be for me.

Please don't be for me.
Please don't be me. Hi.

Oh, thank God.

Well, come on.
I don't have all day.

I'm gonna throw up.
Okay, no. This is
what you're gonna do.

You're gonna get in that car,
put on your seat belt...

and take three deep breaths
and relax.

This guy sees
hundreds of kids every day.

He probably doesn't even
remember you, all right?

Yo. Let's move it,
two strikes.


[Breathing Heavily]
That's more
than three breaths, honey.

See how much better this is?

The truck goes in.
It gets video.

And then we get a preview
of whatever's in there.
How ingenious is that, huh?

Are you just scared to go in?

Why would you say that?

Well, when you
stuck your head in,
you screamed a little.

I told you.
That was the house settling.

Besides, this is so much cooler.
This is how NASA does it.

Now, hand me
the ltty Bitty Book Light.

Yeah. Final piece of the puzzle.

[Lmitates Explosion]
Blast off.

[Motor Whirring]

Hey, Dad?

How are you supposed to steer
if you don't know where you're going?

Stay in the present, buddy.
Gotta do it by feel.

Gotta get all Jedi on it.

- [Motor Grinding]
- Uh-oh.

- Did you just lose my truck?
- No.

You just lost my truck!
No, I didn't!

That was my truck!
Grandpa just gave it to me!

- I told you to stay in the present!
- Stop yelling!

- Truce?
- Yeah. Sorry.

This is delicious.

Oh. Thank you. The recipe's from
the now-defunct Gourmet magazine.

Why do all the things
I love go away?

Look, I don't even think
she said the "M" word.

No, we heard it. It was
clear as day. I- I just don't know
what we've done wrong.

I quit my job so I could
stay at home with her.

But maybe it's not enough.

Maybe we're not providing her
with the feminine energy
that she needs.

- [Sobs]
- Yeah, I wouldn't be
too concerned about that.

You- You know it's
because you're Asian, right?

No, I'm sorry. What?

Am I just supposed to ignore
the giant panda in the room?

Pandas are from China.
I- Well, it doesn't matter.

Okay, okay. I think
what my hysterical partner
is just trying to say, if I may,

that for the first
six months of her life,

Lily was raised by very
loving Asian women,
in an orphanage,

with whom
she clearly bonded.

And then suddenly you come in
with all of your Asian-ness...

and-and-and breasts
and womb, lady bits-

and it all just comes
rushing back to her, and I-

You guys are overreacting.

I'm sure Lily just strung
a couple of random
syllables together,

and they happen
to sound something
like that word.

But that's all.

- Do you really think that?
- Of course.

- She's right.
- We're being ridiculous.

- We're being ridiculous.
- Your daddies are being ridiculous.


Okay. Well-
[Silverware Clattering]

- Mr. Tucker-
- Okay. No, no, no.

She's made her choice!
She's made her choice.

All right, left turn.

At the intersection, yeah.

[Turn Signal Clicking]

I said left.
You're going right.

Wait. No, wait.
I'm trying, okay?
Pull over.

- No, I can do this!
- Pull over now.

- Why are you crying?
- Why do you hate me?

Oh, hell.
Haley, I don't hate you.

You seem like a nice girl.
You remind me of my daughter.

Which is why I want you
to live a long and happy life...

and be safe
and not hurt my daughter.

I really want my license.

I've been practicing a lot,
I swear. [Sniffles]

- You gonna drink and drive?
- No, sir.

- You gonna text and drive?
- No, sir.

All right. Let's start this
from the beginning.

Could you smile first?

I'll be less nervous
if you smile.


Okay, that didn't help.

Just go.

[Gulls Cawing]

Today feels like
a good day for halibut.

Hey, Jay, did I ever
tell you about the time...

I used peanut butter
and jelly for bait and
I caught a thresher shark?

I don't know.
You tell me a lot
of funny things.

Why are we going this way?

It's just another way to go.

Something's going on.

What are you
talking about?
Wake up, old man.

She's trying to get me
on that roller coaster.

[People Screaming]

No, she's not.
Yes, I am.

- What?
- Told you.

Manny, you have
to face your fears.

That's why we're here?
Why didn't you let me
in on your little plan?

Because you're the worst liar.
He would have seen
right through you.

I don't wanna go
on the roller coaster.

Manny, you were afraid
to light the barbecue,

but now your eyebrows
have grown back...

and your salmon is legendary.

What if I fall out?
I will catch you.

That's not possible.
He would crush you.

What if I throw up?

I will clean it up.
It wouldn't be the first time.

Geez, these are new shoes.

You're not gonna let up,
are you?

Baby, I think
you know the answer.

[Sighs] Fine.
Let's get it over with.

That's my boy.
Vamos, Jay.

No, I'm not going on that.
That's bad for my back.

Your back is fine.
I got an inner-ear thing.

Oh, please.
Don't tell me you're scared too.

What is this "scared" stuff?

What am I, a child?
I'm not scared.

You see?
You're the worst liar.

Well, if he's not going,
I'm not going.

Oh, for God's sake, fine!
I'll go alone.

Here. Take my girlie purse
and you my floppy hat,

and if you need it,
there's the ladies' room.

I'm not man enough
to fight this.

Here. Hold my purse.

Oh, hell!

What's taking them
so long?
I don't know.

The only reason I'm not panicking
is I haven't seen a giant geyser.

You know, honey, I think I know
why you don't wanna go tonight.

Because school dances
are lame?

'Cause you don't know
how to dance.
That's not it.

I can help you with that.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, God, no. No, Mom.

Oh, yeah. Back in the day,
I was quite the dancer.

Oh, my God.
You and Dad together
suddenly makes so much sense.

♪♪ [Humming]
Mom. Mom, stop. Stop.

Please, stop.
I know how to dance.

I just don't wanna be
part of that freak show.

Sweetheart, you're a beautiful girl.
Someone will ask you to dance.

I know that.
It's just stupid.

Somebody will ask you.
Why do you keep
saying that?

Somebody will ask you.

But what if they don't?

Honey, if they don't,

then you do the exact same thing
I told your sister, okay?

Take three deep breaths
and relax.

Even the advice I get
is a hand-me-down.

Mom, I did it!
I passed!

Oh, my God!

I got my license!

I have my license!
I got my license!

Car's not in "park."
Oh. Oops.

- [Brake Lever Clicks]
- You better run to that counter.

Go. Right now.
Run! Run!

Still can't believe
you lost my truck.
It's gone, buddy. Let it go.

You know, maybe it's better
we don't solve this little mystery.

Sometimes treasure's more sparkly
in your imagination.

Or it could be gold
or baseball cards
or pirate maps.

Do you really think
there could be pirate maps
under there?

I'm a hundred percent sure
it's possible.

All right.
I'm going in.


Really? Buddy.


What do you see?
It's really dark in here.

Wait a minute.
I think I see my truck.

It's right over there
by the- Uh-oh.

I think I'm stuck.

How are you stuck?
My belt loop
got caught on a pipe.

And it's hot.
Have you tried wiggling?

Dad, it's hot! Hurry!

I'm coming, buddy!
And hurry.
There's spiders in here.



I'm sorry if we got
all weird in there.

No. It was fine.

Well, we'd like to say
it's different than
how it usually is,

but you've seen us enough
to know that that's not true.

Guys, listen.
I had a very complicated
relationship with my mother.

She was born in Japan-
crazy traditional.

She didn't want me to become
a doctor. She wanted me
to get married and have kids.

But my father,
we would talk...

and he would actually
listen to what I wanted.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say...

is having a mother
isn't always what
it's cracked up to be.

Oh! Thank you.
Well, thank you.

And if you ask me,

having two fathers
who care as much
as you do...

makes Lily the luckiest
little girl in the world.

Oh! Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you for that.

That's very sweet.
Thank you.

And how are things
with you and your mom now?

[Engine Starts]

The only way she'll be happy
is if I'm some Asian stereotype.

But that just isn't me.

I didn't see those!

I'm coming, buddy.
Over here.

That's- [Spits]
A spider web. Oh, God.

My boy was in trouble,

so I put my fears aside,
and I came to his rescue.

Now, does that
make me a hero?

Yes, it does.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Hey. Everything's
gonna be okay.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, that's what dads do.
Let's get out of here.

I want my truck.

It was a Christmas gift.

Could you go get it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sure. Let's go-
Let's go through it.


There it is.

Got it.

You okay?
Yeah. Are you okay?

You know what?
I am okay.


We did it.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

We're under the house.

What the heck.
We're down here.

Why don't we see
what we got, huh?

Two intrepid explorers...

make their way on a journey-
[Both Scream]

Dead bodies!

[Phil] We called the police
and got a bunch
of detectives over.

Turns out it was the last owner's
Halloween decorations,

which is pretty funny.

Least I thought it was.

Everybody's afraid
of something, right?

Heights, clowns, tight spaces.

You like it, Jay?

I did it!
Those are things you get over.

But then there's our children.

Will they fit in?

Will they be safe?

Those are fears
you never get past.

So sometimes
all you can do...

is take a deep breath,
pull 'em close...

and hope for the best.

- Bye!
- Eyes on the road.

- Love you!
- Eyes on the road.

Oh, God.

I mean, things
don't always work out.

Oh. Cam, I think
she wants her doll.

I don't know where it is.
[Child's Voice]


When you squeeze the doll,
it says "Mommy."

Did-Did you know that-
Not a clue.

The doll says "Mommy."

The doll says "Mommy."
The doll says "Mommy."

[Both Laughing]

But you gotta love it
when they do.

Hey, Dad.

Mom says there's
an old trunk in the attic.

Oh, yeah. My grandpa's
old steamer trunk.

In this movie I saw,
there was this old trunk...

and there's
a secret compartment.

And when you opened it,
there was a whole bunch
of paintings,

by the world's greatest painters,
hidden in the war.

My grandpa was in the war.

Should we go up there?
It could also be diamonds.

Or a samurai sword.
Or the Declaration
of Independence.

You know, it almost
doesn't even matter
what's up there.

What matters is
what you do with the money
from what's up there.

We could get a motorboat.
Or a robotic gutter cleaner.

Or an indoor pool.
Or a two-man submarine.