Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - Moon Landing - full transcript

Claire feels like a loser when she catches up with an old friend from work, Jay and Cameron have an unpleasant "encounter" in a locker room, and Mitchell tries to give legal advice to Gloria after she has a wreck.

Those pancakes smell great.

What are you doing with those?

Luke and I are doing
a recycling drive.

If we collect enough bottles,
they build a school in Africa.

Wouldn't that be so cool to go
to a school made out of bottles?

That would certainly be
a special school.

Did you hear what I said, parents?
"Special school"?

Okay, nobody make a big deal
about it, but I just broke up
with Dylan.

Oh, my gosh.
Are you okay, honey?

Yeah, I'm fine. I just-

I need to date someone
who has a clue,

instead of an idiot
who bangs his head...

every time he rides his bike out
of his garage- every time!

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm sorry for both of you.
I'll have to text him later.

Mmm. I gotta
jump in the shower.
I'm gonna be late.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to meet
my friend Valerie.

I haven't seen her in 15 years.
We used to work together.

- You worked?
- Mm-hmm.

Can't imagine
you working.
Luke, let me tell you something.

That is very offensive to women.

Your mom works very hard.
It's just now she works for us.

I will have you know that I had
quite the little career going.

I was an account manager
at Starcrest Hotels.

I had a little cubicle, and-and
I wore my tennis shoes to work...

and changed into my work pumps.

Itwas very Working Girl.

That movie's so clutch.

I don't mind saying
I was making quite a splash.

- Well, then, why'd you quit?
- Well, Haley, call me old-fashioned,

but I wanted to focus
on raising a family.

So I married your dad.

Five months later,
we... were...

four months away from having
this little bundle of joy.


There's my lawyer.

Gloria got into
a little car accident,

so my dad asked me
to help her out.

And, uh, this is the first time
that my dad's asked me
for legal advice,

and it's- it's nice.

It's nice to know
that he respects me in that way.

Well, Mitchell
is an amazing lawyer.

My dream for him
is that one day he'll be
on the Supreme Court.

Why, Cam?

So at parties I can
tell everyone my partner
is one of the Supremes.

There he is- the steely,
grizzled veteran...

ready to do battle
with the plucky upstart.

Speed versus grace.
Brute force versus-

- Let's just do this.
- [Cameron]
Jay and I are both gym rats.

I love the sauna.
That's the dry heat.

And the steam, wet.

And, of course,
I am just a kook
for racquetball.

Club champ two years in a row,
Tonganoxie, Missouri Rec Center.

So, naturally,
Jay and I have been
trying for months...

to get together
to bang the old hollow
rubber ball around.

I have been avoiding this day
like the plague.

I mean, part of going to the gym
is the locker-room atmosphere.

And if I'm there
with a gay guy, it's-it's
just not gonna be the same.

I mean, for me,
it's a locker room.

For him, it's a showroom.

She doesn't get it.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

♪ Driving in my car ♪

♪ I'll let you see my scar ♪♪

- What the hell?
- [Car Door Opens]

Some people call me a salesman.
I call myself a sales friend.

So obviously,
I need strangers to trust me.

I don't take kindly to it
when someone Tom Sellecks
my bus bench.

Phil Dunphy.

Phil, it's Barbara.
The Pattersons wanna
back out of the deal.

Why? What happened?
The wife's getting cold feet.

I told her to call you.
Okay, fine.

I'll handle it.
I'm not losing this sale.

By the way-
I've spent way too
much time on it.

Phil, do you take Elm
when you come to work?
I saw it, Barbara.

[Phone Beeps]

It's a terrific gym, Jay.

Very liberal with the towels.
I love that.

Showers are private,
in case you wondered.

I wasn't, but
thanks for the heads-up.

Now, that's a surprise.
Is that necessary?

Well, I just always pictured you
as a tighty-whitey guy.

Well, do me a favor.
The next time you picture me,
leave the underwear out of it.

Well, don't you worry.
The only thing I'm picturing...

is how clean the floor's
gonna be when I'm done
mopping it with you.

Is that the best you can do?

'Cause it's gonna take a little
more than some lame trash talk
to get me out of my-

What the hell was that?

Our butts pressed
against each other.

They didn't press. It was glancing.
Stop talking about it!

All the time you've spent in
a locker room, this can't be
your first moon landing.

- You got a name for it?
- It's very common.

You got off easy.
At least it didn't happen
after a shower.

We call that a splashdown.

That's it. I'm changing in the stall.
Excuse me!

I saw the picture, Dylan.

You had your arm around her
with that humpy look you get.

No, that's not always
how you look. We're over!

[Phone Beeps]
So, I'd really like
to talk to you, Mrs. Patterson,

see if we can't
turn this thing around.

Uh, you've got my number.
[Phone Rings]

Thank you.
I said we are over.

Why don't you go out
for a nice bike ride?

Dylan again, huh?

Some guys just do
not know how to play it.

- Dad, what are you doing?
- Oh, right.

Just, uh, test-driving
my new soup strainer.

I dug it out
of the Halloween stuff
to see what people think.

Do people want
their real estate advice...

from someone who leads
or from someone who follows?

I'm betting these babies
are coming back in a big way.

Buy low, sell high.

People are gonna
see this and say,
"That guy's high."

Sorry to bother you, sir.
We're doing work next door
and nicked a main,

so we're gonna have
to shut down your water.

Oh. Okay. No problem.

It shouldn't be too long.
If you need it, there's
a porta-potty out front.

Thanks. Hey.

Nice mustache.

Yeah, man.
You too, brother.

"You too, brother."

Haley- She's the oldest.

And then Alex is 13.

And that's my baby, Luke.
He's 11. Can you believe it?
Oh, my God, they're gorgeous.

And things are still good
with Phil the Thrill?

Yes. Things are great.
Great with him.

I'm so happy for you. Really.
I'm so- I'm so happy
that you're happy.

Thank you. Well, and you too.

I mean, your life is-
No, no, no-
Let's talk about you.

Because, you know, you're-

You chose the mother.
You're the mommy.

The yummy mommy, mama-



You're kinda squeezing the ring
right into my finger.
Was I?

A little.
I'm so sorry.

And just then, it hit me.
She was jealous of me.

Yes, there'd always been a little bit
of a competition between us.

This was more serious.

She was looking at my life
as something...

that she'd always wanted,
but never had.

So how's life
in the trenches?

You still got the bastards
on the 23rd floor...

making life miserable for all the people
actually doing the work.

Same as ever, right?
One- One difference.

I'm one of them bastards now.

Wait. You're
on the 23rd floor?
I'm on the 24th floor.

Wow. That's insane.
It's- It's no big deal.

I mean, if you hadn't left,
it probably would have been you.

I was driving along this street.
The cars were parked just like this.

And boom-
Out of nowhere, he hits me.

Okay, so,
he-he cut you off?

A crazy driver.

You know, I used to be
a little bit like that.

I don't know, maybe it's because
of Lily, but I've definitely
become more considerate.

Like, I used to never
let people in, and now I do.

Just now getting
that metaphor. Okay.

So, what do you think?
Were there any witnesses?

No, just Manny.
He was in the back seat.

It all happened so fast-
Just like they say.

Yeah. All right.
Well, this is what we're gonna do.

I'll take a few pictures,
and then we'll sit down
and write a statement.

I'll go and get us a table.

All right.
Manny, come.

Uh, just a minute, Mom.
I need to tie my shoe.

- Mitchell.
- Yeah?

Don't talk. Listen.
It was her fault.

- I'm sorry. What?
- Don't look at me. Do something.
Take pictures.

Manny! What kind
of cupcake do you want?

Um, that's okay.
I'm not hungry.

That was a mistake.
Now she'II know
something's up.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

She cut that guy off.
She's a terrible driver.

She's a danger to us all.
Okay, wait. Now stop.

I thought she said he was parked
and then he cut her off.

Everybody looks parked
when you're going
a hundred miles an hour.

why didn't you speak up?

She can't take criticism
about her driving.

Once an old lady yelled
at her at a crosswalk.

She honked so long,
the horn ran out.


I've said too much already.


Are you hearing this?

Aw, that's-



Lucky shot!

That is game and,
I believe, match.

Yeah, fine, you won.
But, you know, what do you expect?

For the first half of the game,
I was distracted by what
happened in the locker room.

And you're sure it's not
because I'm a fabulous
racquetball player?

You're average.
But I was a little thrown
by you touching me.

Which is unnatural-
Not to you, of course.

- No, to you it's like rocket fuel.
- Oh, sure.

When you're gay
you just walk around giving
butt bumps to everybody.

It's like a high five.
It's a low two.

You know what?
I'm gonna prove that you won
only because I was distracted.

We're gonna have a rematch
right here, right now.

So you want to go
up against me again?

No! Damn it.

- [Cell Phone Rings]
- [Jay] Hello!

Hey, Dad. Uh, did you know that
the accident was Gloria's fault?

Yes. I mean, I wasn't there,
but she's a horrible driver.

If she hit 10 cars,
I wouldn't be surprised.

If you knew it was her fault,
why did you get me involved?

Because someone has to tell her
she's in the wrong,
and better you than me.

That's great. Here I am thinking
that my dad actually respects me
as a lawyer,

and really you're just
throwing me to the wolves.

- Can't it be both?
- Okay. Dad, it doesn't
bother you in the least...

that your gay son
is the only one tough enough
to stand up to your wife?

Go get 'em, Rocky.
See you later.

Your father and I had a
moon landing in the locker room.
What's the matter with you?

What about you?
Do you ever get serious
with anyone? Thank you.

Oh, no. Not yet.

Oh, honey, you will.

Oh, no, I hope not.
It's- It's fun.

I'm sorry. I'm just-
I'm waiting for some news.

What news?
I'm- I'm up for the Paris job.

The-The head of
the international division?

That's- That's-
That's crazy.

Yeah, no. I mean,
I'll never get it, but it'd be great...

'cause one of my lovers
lives in Paris.

Wow. I-I don't know
what jumps out
of that sentence more-

you know,
"lovers" or "one of."

Well, I'm single.
I mean, it's kinda what you do.

I have one in Paris.

Um, I have Paris,
New York, Miami.

I have a fourth one.

I'm forgetting one lover.
I'm forgetting one lover.

Last night I vacuumed
the radiator thingy
under the fridge.

You know, it collects the dust.
'Cause you should, and I don't. So-

[Cell Phone Rings]
Oh, hey, hold on.
Cross your fingers.

I'm not gonna lie.

The thought of Valerie getting
the one job in the whole company
that everyone coveted-

Well, I wasn't a "lover" of that.

Okay. Okay, thank you.


Oh, they haven't
made a decision.

They're- They're gonna
tell me later on.

That's not what
they said, is it?
Uh, yeah, it is.

Oh, Valerie, come on.
It's me.

What are friends for,
if not to be there for you
when you get bad news?

I got it.
Oh, my God.

I'm the head of Europe.
Well, you know,
for the hotel-

Not the continent.
Kind of though. Kind of.

Why didn't you tell me
when you first heard?

Oh, 'cause, you know-

And that's when
it really hit me.

Valerie wasn't jealous of me.
She pitied me.

And part of me wanted
to take her back to the house...

and show her everything
she was missing...

in her sad, childless,
husbandless life.

But there's a little thing
called "taking the high road."

Why don't you come by
and meet everybody?
Oh, sure. That'd be great.

Yeah, I mean,
Alex is just a genius,

and Haley is turning into
this beautiful young woman,

and it makes me realize
that motherhood is-
San Francisco.

The most important-
That was my fourth lover.
San Francisco.

It would have kept me up all night.

Dad, look.

Just a sec, buddy.
I'm on my way out to the bathroom.

Check it out. The Aubreys
had this huge party last night,

and we got all these bottles
to recycle.

What's Jägermeister?


Well, you know how
in a fairy tale...

there's always a potion
that makes the princess
fall asleep,

and then the guys
start kissing her?

Well, this is like that,
except you don't wake up
in a castle,

you wake up in a frat house
with a bad reputation.

[Door Closes]

[Engine Off]


- Luke, you're spilling it!
- Aw, crud.


Gross! A rat!

[Doorbell Ringing]

Hang on. I'm coming.

I believe you have something
that belongs to me.

My heart.
I thought I I.M.'ed you
to stay away.

Ow! Haley.

Hello? Dylan?

Hey, buddy! Hey, buddy!

Hello, friendly neighbors!

Little help?

- But I love you.
- Well, you should have
thought about that...

before you took that
skank Sharon Nicolini
to an Anne Hathaway movie.

I didn't take her.
She was just there.

So you were just there by yourself
at an Anne Hathaway movie?

I don't think so!
Yeah. Yeah.
I like her movies.

She's every woman.
Come on. Let's not fight.

- Let's just discuss this
like two un-immature adults.
- Oh!

[Clears Throat]

Oh. Oh.

Mrs. Patterson.

Hi. I've been waiting
for your call.

Yeah. Uh, is there any chance
that maybe we could talk a little bit-

No, no, no, no. Now's perfect.
That's fine.

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you.
Let me just close my office door.

There we go.
Much, much better.

Okay. Maybe, uh,
we should go over
the accident one more time.

Put the dogs on a row.
You're such a good lawyer.

Uh, I just wanna make sure
we're 100% clear on
exactly what happened.

Oh, we're clear.
I told you.

You don't believe me?

No, no. I just-

You know, sometimes
you can forget tiny details.

Like, is it possible,
maybe, uh, you were
driving too fast?

Who said I was driving fast?
Yeah, who?

I just-
I'm looking at the street,

and I'm thinking if you were
driving a little fast,

- it's possible that maybe
you didn't see the car-
- You're like everyone else, huh?

You blame the Latino driver.
Where I come from, they always
blame the Latino driver.

Where you come from,
isn't everybody a Latino driver?

Manny, tell him.
I can't 'cause I have
a cupcake in my mouth.

Oh, come on.
Don't blame your cupcake.

You think I'm guilty too?


I don't need you
as a lawyer anymore.

And if you two
think I'm such a bad driver,

you're safer walking home.

- Chao.
- [Mouths Word]

Here it is.
It's really cute.

We're pretty proud of it.

Here's your stupid CDs...

and your clothes
and your poems!

Don't you do it!
Oh, I'm doing it.

- Haley, stop it.
What are you doing?
- Tearing out my heart.

Oh, why don't you
go get a hickey
from Sharon Nicolini?

It's from my guitar strap,

Oh, thanks
for reminding me.
That's my daughter Haley-

[Objects Crash]
[Dylan Groans]

And her boyfriend, Dylan, um-

This is a nice color.

Um, listen.
This is not normal,

with all that, nor-
nor is that liquor smell.

Phil, honey? Oh, my God.
Luke, what is that?

Dad says it makes girls
easier to kiss.

- What happened to the rug?
- I had an accident.

- Okay. Alex, what are you doing?
- I'm trying to kill a rat.


Sharon was helping me
buy you a birthday present.

Don't you get it?
I love your ass.

I- You know, I-
I-I'm late and I should go.

I know. I know.

And it seems like things
have gotten a little wonky
around here.

I don't know where Phil is.
He's definitely-

[Both Scream]

Oh, my God. Alex-

Where's your father?
He went outside
to go to the bathroom.


It's... not usually like this.
Oh, gross.

Let's just get married.

You will not regret this
decision, Mrs. Patterson.

And I'll tell you what.
We're gonna have you over to
our little house to celebrate.

Okay? Okay, bye-bye.
You should come back again-

when you get a break-
Claire! Claire!

- Hey.
- Phil, what are you-
What are you doing?

Just concluding a little business.
Very successfully, I might add.


- Hi.
- Is that Valerie?

- [Valerie] Yeah.
- Wow!

You look fantastic.
Thank you.

Come here.
Get over here.


How long has it been?
A long time.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh, I can't touch you. Okay.

A little bit difficult.
Gulf divides us, eh?

So nice to see you.
It's great
to see you though-

All right.

Okay, then.
Thanks for coming by.

It's such a pleasure.

Thanks for stopping by.
You have a beautiful family.

She looks great,
doesn't she?
What is on your face?

One time! Once!

One time I bring
somebody home...

who I want to impress,
and what do I find?

A bunch of booze-drenched
hill people...

just sitting around in their underwear
and-and chasing rats...

and fornicating in the stairwell.

Can I say something?
No. No, you can't,

There is nothing left
to say but thank you.

Thank you all.


I told you I'd win.
[Shower Running]

Not talking so much now,
are you, hotshot?

[Water Off]
Hope you enjoy
that nice, hot shower,

but it's not gonna
wash away the shame
of that 15-7 beatdown.

You should have seen
the look on your face...

when that drop shot
just kissed the wall.

Ah. Okay, splashdown.

Got me again. Yep.

Make the uptight straight guy
all embarrassed.

Except for one thing-
Doesn't even bother me anymore.

I could do this all day.
Here, another one for you.

Maybe a couple of 'em.

Jay, I just noticed
a sauna back here.

How big of a hurry
are we in?
Biggest hurry of your life.

'Scuse me. 'Scuse me.

Well, if you're
going to be stranded,

might as well be
in a place full of cupcakes.

I don't think
you need any more.

Ay. I'm sorry, guys.

It's true-
I am a defensive driver.

You mean you're
defensive about-
I know what I am.

Let's go.

It's just that I don't like
when people just assume
that I'm a bad driver.

Maybe it was just, like,
a little bit my fault.

Well, I'm glad
you can admit that, Gloria.

But I'm still gonna
need you as my lawyer, Mitch.

Because this one-

It was not my fault,
I promise you.

That's what
that sound was.
It was the big cupcake.

That was unreal.
Mom was crazy.

I'm scared.

Look. I know your mom
pretty well. She's fine.

I'd be willing to bet
she's just composing herself,

taking a nice, long,
peaceful walk in the park.



At that moment all I wanted
was to be with my family.

But of course, that meant
finding a way to apologize...

to the people that
I had belittled and rejected.

- [Groans]
- Okay, you are so crazy.
That song totally rules.

Daddy, you're crazy.
Crazy right.

Hey, honey.

[Luke] Hey, Mom.
Come on. Sit down.

No, seriously, Dad.
It's lame.
Seriously, Luke. It's not.

You got some mustard
or something on your face.

I think I know
a little bit about music.
I was a deejay in college.

I had my own show-
in the coveted time slot.

Daybreak with Dunphy.
Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding you.
And I played Rick Astley.

Dad, that's embarrassing.
Never gonna give-
Sing it, Luke.

They could have been petty.

They really could have
made me pay, but they didn't.

Never loved 'em more.

Why the hell couldn't Valerie
have seen them like that?

[Man On Phone]
♪ Stars are falling from the sky ♪

♪ And you're the reason ♪
Hey, Dylan.

- Hey, Mr. Dunphy.
- What's happening?

Well, Haley and I
got into another fight.

Oh- Say Anything.

Um, good morning?

No. Say Anything.

No, Dylan. SayAnything.
Clutch movie.

Clutch movie.

She probably won't be up
for a couple hours still.

It's okay.
It's not that heavy.