Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Fifteen Percent - full transcript

Mitchell tells Jay that one of his friends is gay to teach him a lesson, Claire gets frustrated with Phil's new master remote control, and Gloria gives Manny's "date" a makeover to improve her self-esteem.


Can people change?
Well, that's a-

That is a tough one,
but I would say yes.
People can change.

That's what I believe anyway,
and I will till the day I die.

You do realize
you're proving the exact
opposite of your point?

See? She's changed.
She used to be
very supportive of me.

[Beep]
[Claire]
Come on.

[Beeps]

- [TV, Loud]
- Aah! Phil!

- Ow! Ow! Why is it so loud?
- My ears are bleeding!

Why is it so loud?
I don't know!
Make it stop!

I just installed a sweet
home theater system
in the family room.

The, um- The trouble is
Claire struggles...

with technology
of any kind.

I mean, remotes,
cell phones, computers.

Haley, have you seen
my blue- [Exhales]

[On Monitor]
Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.
Oh, hey, Dylan.

You know I can
see you, right?

No, I did not know that.

Haley's just in the bathroom.
She'll be back in just a minute.

Thank you.

Where were you pointing it?
At the TV.

[Laughs]
This-

Honey- Uh, no. I'm sorry.
It's-It's a home theater.

What, so I can't point it
at the TV when I want
to watch the TV?

No. You point it
at the receiver.
What's a receiver?

Okay, imagine our home theater
system is a human body.

So then the receiver
is the brain.
Mm-hmm.

The TV is the face.
I know what part
you are.

[Jay]
So he says to his wife,
"You don't love me anymore?"

His heart- boom!
Quadruple bypass.
[Others Laughing]

Blown a valve.
Hey! Look who it is.

- Hey. There he is.
- What a coinkydink.

I was just getting
some flowers for Gloria
for babysitting Lily.

You want me
to take 'em to her?

I would, but I have
the most hilarious card
for her at home.

It's- It's a hunky
Antonio Banderas type
in silk boxers.

And on the inside, it says,
"Thank you for last noche,

but I can't find
my pantalones."

[Laughing]

I'm not doing it justice, really.

Hi. I'm Cameron.
Oh, geez. I'm sorry.
Guys, this is Cameron.

- He's a... friend of my son's.
- [Man] Hey.

This is, uh, Scotty, Dale,
Hugo and Shorty.

It's nice to meet you guys.
You guys look like a scene
out of Jersey Boys.

[Chuckles]

- ¡Ay! So handsome!
- Thank you.

Manny, are you wearing
aftershave?
Yes, for my date.

This will be the first time
she will ever smell me.

Her name is Whitney.
I met her in an online book club.

We both like vampire fiction...

and the romance of eternal life.

I think it's adorable
that Manny has a date.

He even picked out
the lunch menu-

grilled-cheese sandwich
and tomato soup.

Tomato soup because,
you know, the tomato soup
is like the blood.

And the vampires like
to eat the blood.
[Chuckles]

And then he wants me
to take them out for ice cream,

well, because Manny
likes ice cream.

- [Doorbell Rings]
- Oh, that must be her.

If this goes well,
you don't need to stick around.

Vamos.

Hi. I'm Whitney.
I'm here for Manny.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

[Beeps]
See how that works?

Sorry, sweetie.
Sorry, Daddy.
No, it's all right.

We were just-
Me and Lily were just
using the time...

to figure out how to use
the car's voice-command thingy.

Oh.
Here. Check it out.
Watch.

[Beeps]
CD player. Next track.

[Female Voice]
Say a command.
No.

[Beeps]
[Sighs]
CD player. Next track.

Air conditioner on.
[Air Blowing]

Damn it.
You're worse than your sister
with this kind of stuff.

It's a good thing Lily doesn't
have an ejector seat.

Oh, guess what.
I ran into your dad
and some of his friends.

Oh, really?
Yeah. And get this.

He, uh- He referred to me
as "a friend of my son."

Seriously?
Yeah.

That's a little
disrespectful to you.

I wasn't offended by it.
Well- [Exhales]
I am.

I mean, would he refer to Phil
as "a friend of Claire's"? No.

I've heard him call Phil
a lot worse.

Just let it pass.
I should have never said anything.

I'm not letting it pass.
He needs to know
that's not okay.

And if he doesn't like it,
he knows where he can go.

Enter destination.
Hell!

Mexican food.
Shut up!

I came out of the closet
in my mid-20s.

I had to actually
come out to my dad
three times...

before he finally
acknowledged it.

I'm not sure if maybe he
was hoping he heard it wrong,

like I had said, "Dad, I'm gray."
[Clicks Tongue]

And my parents,
they always just knew.

My mother says
labor with me
took 36 hours...

because I came out
of the womb like this-
"Hello!"

[Jay] I gotta lay off
these cannolis.
Hey, Dad.

Mitchell. Hey, you guys
know my son, Mitch.

Hey, Mitch,
how they hangin'?
Hey, Mitch.

Hey, hey, hey.
That's a great coat.

Where'd you get that?
I don't know.
It was a gift.

Really? What is it-
suede, microsuede?
Um-

Some kind of lambskin?
It's very soft, you know.

Thank you.

Huh.

- Uh, can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thanks.
Good seeing you.
Be right back.

What's the matter?

Um, "a friend of my son"?
That's how you introduce Cam?

That's why you came here?
Dad, it's just more than
a little insulting.

Cam and I have been
together for five years.
We- We have a daughter.

Look at these guys.

They look like they came
out of the 1800s.

You see Hugo over there?
After lunch, he ordered a Sanka.

No, they're not the ones
that are uncomfortable
with this. You are.

You've never been
completely accepting of me.

And now that I have a family,
it's getting a little old.

These guys don't understand
the gay thing.

Why create an awkward situation?
That's all I'm saying.

That's weird, because
your friend Shorty there-
gay as they come.

You gotta be kiddin'.
Mm-mmm. No.

My gaydar is never wrong,
and it is pinging like
we're at a bathhouse.

What are you
talking about- gay?
The guy used to be married.

Okay, that makes-
So did Elton John,
Merv Griffin, Cole Porter.

You know what? Listen.
You couldn't be more
wrong about this.

No, Dad.
You could not be more wrong-
about a lot of things.

- Good seeing you guys.
- [Hugo] You take care, man.

That's a great coat.
[Dale]
Yeah, later.

Ping!

[Line Ringing]
[Remote Beeps]

Phil Dunphy.
Hey, it's me.

Hey.
Listen, I've got a bunch
of moms over here...

who wanna watch
the talent show DVD,

and I can't get
the sound to work.

Is there a picture?
Yes.

Be honest.
Did you do that thing
where you get frustrated...

and you start pressing
all the buttons?

No.

I have a theory
that Phil installs...

overly complicated
things in the house...

just so he has an excuse
to talk to me like a child.

Last month,
it was the thermostat.

♪ The snowflake button
makes it cold, cold, cold ♪

♪ "Set temperature"
makes it hold, hold, hold ♪

♪ The little flame makes it hot- ♪♪

[Crying]
This is so humiliating.

I am sorry.
It's okay.

He just seemed
so mature online.

How could I be so stupid?
[Manny]
You're not stupid.

"Stupid" is not following your heart
and taking a chance on love.

I mean, what kind of 11 -year-old
talks like that?

[Crying]
Manny's an old soul.

Here. Use my handkerchief.

You see what I mean?

I'll just be alone
for the rest of my life.

And that's okay.
No, don't say that.

In my country,
there's a saying
that means...

"Love is just
around the corner."

I come from a neighborhood
with a lot of prostitutes.

Maybe for you. I mean,
men must throw themselves
at you every day.

They'II do the same for you
if you just-

Just what?
Put out?
No. Just-

Like, the lipstick,
the hair, push-up bra.
You know.

[Sniffles]
What's it matter? I'm never
gonna be as pretty as you.

Ay, believe me,
this takes a lot of work.

You just need to find
your inner beauty.

It's hiding beneath
a mask of insecurity.

Okay, he's starting
to freak me out.

Manny, go play.

Mitchell, how do these
look to you?

Like they're dying.
I know. Right?

I said something to the florist.
He said, "Don't worry about it.
They're gonna come back."

They're not coming back.
They've crossed to the other side.

You are a funny man.
Why?

You're completely bothered
by the flowers.

But when my father introduces you
as "a friend of my son,"

doesn't faze you in the least.

Because the florist
played me for a fool.

Your dad didn't mean any harm.
He's just being who he is.

When I was back East
in law school,

my dad used to call me
every Saturday at 6:00 p.m.,
before people would go out,

just to, you know,
check in, catch up.

And then, I think,
the Christmas of my second year,

I finally got up
the courage to tell him.

After that, I-I... pretty much
just talked to my mom.

[Quietly]
Don't cry.

I'm not crying.

I'm home!
[Gloria]
We're here.

[Door Closes]
This is Whitney.
We're giving her a makeover.

Hi. You have such
a nice family...

and a really
beautiful house.

- Thanks. You two
know each other how?
- She's my date.

Of course she is.
I'll be in here.

[Whispers]
I'll be right back.

I'm sorry this didn't
turn out like you wanted.

That's okay.

Probably didn't turn out
how you wanted it either.

I'll tell you what.
If neither of us is
with anybody in 10 years,

how about you and me
give it a shot?

That's disturbing.

But maybe.

How was your lunch
with the boys?
Good.

Ran into Mitchell
and Cam.
Ay, nice.

You're not gonna believe this.
Mitchell says Shorty's gay.
Shorty?

Yeah, I believe it.
Oh, come on!

Well, he's a great dresser,
a great dancer.
That doesn't prove anything.

He's the only one of your
friends that never hits on me.
My friends hit on you?

Yes, all the time,
but don't worry.

They're a bunch
of harmless old men.

They're my age.

I'm sure it's very hard on Shorty
to keep a secret like that.

Jay, I think
you should talk to him.
What?

You're the only one with a gay son.
I'm sure he'll appreciate
opening up to you.

We're guys.
We don't open up.

We talk about sports and cars,
getting up in the middle
of the night to pee.

I'm sure you made it
very easy for Mitch
to come out of the closet.

Yeah.
Okay. I'm gonna finish
my makeover.

Because I care about people.

Because I want to help them
change their lives.

Jay, I'm hinting that you
should call your friend, okay?

Yes. I'm getting that.
Okay, okay.

Hey, hey! Daddy
in the hizzouse!

[Crunches]

Why would you do that
to a brand-new,
very expensive remote?

Because I lost my temper,
and it didn't work.
Therefore, it's useless.

Well, honey, when it comes
to anything electronic,

you're not exactly
the best student.

I am very smart.

I had a 4.0 in college.
How about you?

I was almost that
despite my substantial
time commitment to cheerleading.

I thought we agreed not
to bring up the cheerleading.

Cheerleading in my college
was cool.

The football players
were so jealous, they wouldn't
even let me and my buddies-

Trevor, Scotty and Ling-
go to their parties.

Seriously, Claire,

you owe me an apology
for breaking that.

Okay. Phil, I apologize for breaking
the world's worst remote...

that you bought... stupidly.

Excuse me, but the experts
at CNET.com rated it
the best remote.

They gave it
three and a half mice.

Wow. I have an idea.
Let's invite the gang
from CNET over...

and your old buddies from cheerleading,
and we can have a nerd party.

Ling is not a nerd.
He built his own helicopter.

And if he was alive today-
Sweet pea, let's not
talk about Ling.

It upsets you too much.

You know
what I'm gonna do?
Hmm?

I'm gonna buy a new remote-
the same remote.

And just to prove
how wrong you are,

I'm gonna teach our
dumbest kid how to use it
in 20 minutes or less.

Who's our dumbest kid?
Luke.

Luke? No, Luke
understands electronics.

Haley.

No.
Yeah, Haley.

Teach Haley to use the remote,
and then I'll apologize.

Haley?
Mm-hmm.

Come on!

Hey, Shorty, it's me.

I was thinking of heading over
to the driving range
and hitting a few balls.

You want to join me?
That's great, Jay.
What should I wear?

I don't know. Wear-
Wear whatever you want.

Oh, my God!
Oh, God!

What?
The flowers.

They look so much better!
This is a disaster.

You do know what
"disaster" means, right?

You don't understand.
I demanded that they
come exchange them.

I got all medieval on the florist.

- [Beeping, Whirring]
- Cam, I heard you on the phone.

You said you were displeased,
but that's hardly going medieval.

Excuse me.
I said "very displeased."
And I used my cowboy voice, so-

- What are you doing?
- I'm microwaving them
so they look bad again.

Well, that seems
a little crazy, doesn't it?

[Doorbell Rings]

Oh, no!
That's the florist.

Relax. Just take them out.
I'll get the door.
He'll never know the difference.

[Flowers Crackling]

Hi.
[Chuckles]
Florist.

- Yes. Come on in. He's
over there with the flowers.
- Hello.

I don't know what happened.
They just, uh, somehow
lost their vigor.

- They were like this
when we came home.
- Cam. Cam.

[Screaming]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God!

God, God!
[Faucet Running]

Look at that.
Two things flaming at once.

Damn it!

You know what
the problem is.
What?

You're not moving your hips.
They're frozen.
Hips?

Yeah, your hips. They're frozen.
Here, let me show you.

No, it's okay.
All right, Shorty.
No, no. Don't fight me.

Just bring the club back.
Go ahead. All right?

Now turn those hips. That's it.
You just gotta relax.

You gotta open up the stance
a little bit. Spread 'em. Spread 'em.

That's it. If you don't relax,
you're never gonna get
that shaft where it belongs.

Hey, you know what?
How about a coffee?

Let's get a coffee.
Sure.

Now press the button
labeled "Activities."

Where is that?
It's just to the right.
To the right.

And now choose
"Watch DVD."
What?

Honey, you gotta focus.
We've only got 20 minutes.

Pretend-
Pretend the mall's closing.

Dad, this is stupid.
I watch TV on my computer.
Why do I have to learn this?

Because your mom
doesn't think you can.

Nobody can.
Haley, listen to me.

Listen to me.

I know this seems impossible.

But this is for all those times
that Mom told you she was right...

and you knew she was wrong.

I'll do it.
That's my girl.

You know, that guy's
got a beautiful stroke.

Look at his pants-
no pleats.
I like pants like that.

You think I can get away
with something like that?
Sure. Why not?

Listen, Shorty, uh,
we know each other
a long time, right?

What, 30 years?
Yeah.

And, um, I sense
that you got a secret...

that's maybe causing you
a lot of anguish.

You heard something, right?

Well, I had the same situation
with my son, Mitchell.

Really?
Yeah, and I didn't
handle it too well either.

And, uh, I just want you to know
that you can open up to me,

that I'm gonna do all I can
to help you.

[Exhales]
Well, I mean I-

I never said this out loud
before to anyone.

But I guess, if I did,
it would be you.
[Chuckling]

It's just that, Jay,
you see, I'm, uh-

I'm-

Go ahead. Yeah.
Go ahead.

I'm in debt.
Huh?

I owe a bookie 20 G's,
and he's a serious guy.

And you offering
to give me the dough-
This is beautiful.

Wait a minute.
You're not gay?
Gay?

What are you
talkin' about- gay?

I'm not gay.
Where'd you get gay?

Come on. I mean, you're always
talking about clothes
and everything, right?

My father was a tailor.
I like clothes. So what?

Are you calling
my father gay?
No!

My father landed on Normandy
to save your ass.

You know, if you weren't
lending me 20 G's,

I'd knock you out right now.

Take a check?

Cash would be better.

Haley. You ready?

Let's do this.

Turn on the TV.

[Announcer] Angela says,
after he colored her hair-
Nice.

It turned gray
and then green.
Mute it.

[Remote Beeps]
[Sound Off]

Un-mute it.
[Beeps]

Sixty-five dollars.

- Put on a DVD.
- Hairdresser Frederick Longmire
denies he's responsible.

- Skip forward.
- Wait.

Um.
[Remote Beeps]

- [Man On P.A., Indistinct]
- Okay. Back to TV.

- [Beeps]
...better than that.

Face!
Don't get all cocky, Phil.

Let's see what happens
to little Haley...

when I do... this.

Ho, ho, ho. Ho!
Face.

Dad, wh- What do I do?

Don't panic.
We went through this.
Just- Just think.

Give up.
Give up. Admit defeat.

[Calmly]
Haley.
Okay. Uh, let's see.

You put the remote
on to TV mode...

and then press "Input"...

till you get HDMI 1 and-

- [Crowd Cheering]
- [Haley Laughing, Whooping]

- I did it!
- She did it!

[Both Laughing]

Fine. You proved your point.

Everybody in this house
is smarter than me.

No, honey, you're
missing the point.

I taught Haley how to use
the remote in 20 minutes.

So think how fast
you can learn it.

What's that
supposed to mean?

See what I'm saying?

[Pounding]
[Jay]
Mitchell, it's me!

Hey, Dad.
Hi.

I'm here to let you know
your gaydar is broken.

Shorty is not gay.
No. I, uh-
I knew that.

I made that up
to mess with you
for dissing Cam.

What? That cost me
20,000 bucks.

- What do you mean?
- I reached out to him to let
him know it's okay to be gay.

You did?
Yeah.

Right after one of the stranger
golf lessons of my life.

Turns out what he is
is a lousy gambler,

and now I'm the one
on the hook for it.

[Chuckles]
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Then why are you smiling?
I'm- I'm proud
of you, Dad.

And you're growing.
Just-Just stop it.
Please.

Don't you see how hard
this is for me?

See, I used to be just like one
of those guys. Now look at me.

I got a house
looks like Little Colombia.

I got a gay son
and a Chinese granddaughter.

- Vietnamese.
- Only you would
know the difference.

Don't worry, Dad.
Not growing too much.

[Whitney]
I'm a little nervous.

Don't be.
I'm sure you look beautiful.

[Gloria Gasps]
[Manny]
Whoa!

What do you think?
Look at you!
[Laughing]

Really?
[Doorbell Rings]

You're gonna be fighting men off
with a stick.

I don't know about that.

Cameron!
Hi. Sorry
for the pop over,

but I just wanted
to bring you these...

to thank you
for babysitting Lily
again last night.

Oh!
[Both Kiss Loudly]

¡Gracias! You didn't
need to do that.

You know I love Lily.
I know.

Come in.
Say hello.

Hey, Cam.
Hi, Manny.

Manny, how are you?
Cameron, this is
my new friend, Whitney.

Whitney, this is Cameron.
Hello.
It's nice to meet you.

That is a spectacular dress.

This old thing?
[Chuckles]

What about her hair?
Oh, my gosh.

It's like Barbra Streisand
in The Way We Were.

One of my favorites.
Me too.

Okay, who is reading
The Forevers?

I am.

I am so obsessed
with this whole
vampire thing right now.

Me too.

I just met the sweetest guy
named Cameron.

I think he might be the one.

[Mitchell]
Can people change? I don't know.

People are who they are-
give or take, yeah, 15%.

That's how much
people can change
if they really want to.

Well, I'll see you
when I see you.
Yeah, thanks for-

[Whispering]
Haley, sweetie, wake up.

What?
I need you to teach me
to use the TV.

Now? Why can't
Dad teach you?

Because we're married.

Whether it's for themselves
or for the people they love-

That way. Yeah.

And then press-
Mmm! I got it.

Yeah. Yeah, 15%.
[Remote Beeps]

[Both Cheering]

But you know what?
I did it!

Sometimes that's just enough.
I did it!

All right, I'll see you guys
next week, huh?

[All Chattering]
Jay. Jay.

Listen, I wanna thank you for,
you know, helping me out
with that jam.

It was nothin'.
No, no, no. And I got you
a little present.

You didn't have to do that.
No, I did.

Two tickets to see
the great Michael Bublé.

The guy sings like an angel.

He's gonna be outside
at one of the amphitheaters.

Gloria's gonna love it.

No. I'm talkin' about
you and me.
Oh, you and me.

Yeah.
Well, that's a little-

I thought maybe we could
have a little picnic
since it's outside.

You know? I'll get some
nice bottle of wine,
a little cheese.

Lay on a nice blanket.
All right?
Yeah, fine.

Yo, hey. I like your hair.
Who does your hair? Huh?

Yo, handsome.
Who does your hair?

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