Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Not in My House - full transcript

Gloria plots to get rid of Jay's new "dog butler," Cameron's helpful nature gets himself in trouble with Mitchell, and Claire asks Phil to punish their son for looking at nude pictures, not knowing they're Phil's.

Beautiful morning, isn't it?

It's a shame you
have to work, huh? Yeah.

Anyway, I'd like a large
sausage and pepperoni-

It's my stuff, okay?

Just keep your hands
off my stuff!

I didn't put my hands
on your stuff.

Hey! Just a second, Derek.
What is the problem?

Alex read my journal.
I did not!

Why would I even want to
read your stupid journal?

Because it contains
the details of a life,
and you don't have one!

Alex, don't read
Haley's journal.

Sorry. My daughters.

You got kids?

Oh. What grade are you in?

Oh, that's my wife, Claire.

Luke was using my computer for this.

I'm gonna have to,
uh, call you back.

He told me he needed it to do homework,
and then I find this, a-a picture...

of a topless woman,
with the biggest boobs I have
ever seen, driving a tractor.

Okay. Um- Uh, first of all,
that's a combine, not a tractor.

Phil! It is smut,
and our 10-year-old
is looking at smut!

It's disgusting!
Completely unacceptable.

Here's the thing.
That was my picture.

Well, not really mine.
There's this guy at work
who sends out these links.

Doesn't matter who.
Gil Thorpe.

He sent out another one
of the same woman dressed
as a battleship.

You know, the-
You get- Yeah.

And then one of the Transformers-
And then it-

Anyway, I had every intention
of telling Claire.

I just wanted her
to calm down first.

Where are you going?
I'm going to pick up Luke
from his sleepover.

We need to talk to him
about this now.

Claire, this is a very
delicate situation.

If we don't handle it right,
Luke might end up having an
unhealthy attitude about sex...

or agribusiness.

We'll talk about it
when he gets home.

Okay, fine.

But I am telling him
that every time he looks
at porn, God kills a puppy.

Maybe I should be the one
to talk to him.

I am a very lucky woman.

I have a wonderful family,

a beautiful home.

There's nothing
that I would change.

I hate the dog butler.

[Humming, Yelps]

I keep forgetting it's there.
And every time it happens,

it scares me all over again.

Sometimes, at night,
I think it's the devil.

El diablo.

He's hilarious.

I was in Vegas last month
and I was winning.

And I thought, I could do
the usual, be a chump, give
the money back to the casino,

or I could do something smart
and buy something for myself
at the casino store.

He's already
a family favorite.

Rub his chin, a little
under there. He likes that.

There you go. Beautiful.
There you go.

He's a dog and a butler.
I mean, who couldn't love him?

Ya me cansé.



♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

- [Cameron]
Okay, ready to go.
- Make sure you pee first.

- What am I, seven years old?
- No. You do not want
to go during the show.

The marionettes stop what
they're doing, march to the edge
of the stage and point at you.

Okay, that sounds terrifying.
No, it's really funny.

Oh, one of my favorite
childhood memories was attending
the Moscow Marionette Theater.

I grew up one mile away from
Missouri's largest waterslide.

And third largest
in the country.

Oh, really, Cam. You never
mentioned that before.

You feel like-
Feel like a torpedo.

Hey, Cam, does the gardener
usually work on Saturdays?

I don't know. He comes
when we need him.

He's like Batman
but straight.

Is he crying?

Oh, yeah. We should probably
go out the back, huh?

He's clearly in pain.
How can you just turn your back
on a friend like that?

A friend? Really?
Yeah? What's his name?

Caesar Salazar.

You made that up. You were
gonna say "Caesar Salad."

Was not.
Cam. Come on. Really?

[Door Closes]

All right, don't worry, Lily.
I'm sure we'll get to
the show on time.

I'm sure Dad is just gonna
go out and give an encouraging
word to the gardener,

hopefully mention
the snail problem,

and then we are
gonna be on- No.

No, no. Cam, no-

- Hello.
- I don't think he speaks English.

Okay, this might be a good time
to mention to you...

that the marionettes
are not kind to latecomers.

They bend over
and show their bloomers.

Okay, I speak
a little Spanish. Señor-


What was that?
I just asked him if he wanted
to have a glass of water...

and sit down for a minute,
like any kind person would.



Okay, I checked the rest
of the computers in the house.
I didn't find any more porn.

That was hardly porn.
It was a topless woman
on a tractor.

You know what they call
that in Europe?
A cereal commercial.

I should go talk to him.
Honey, honey, honey.
I got this. I got this.

No, no, no, no.
I got this. I got this.
I was his age once.

Breasts are like these
scary, mystical things...

that he's drawn to
like Frodo to Mordor.

Okay, I'm definitely going-
No, no, no, no, no.

Boys don't want their moms
talking to 'em about sex...

any more than girls want
their dads talking to 'em
about periods,

bras and girdles
and all that stuff.

You do know that women
stopped wearing girdles,
like, 30 years ago?

Honey, I know, I know.
That-That-That is exactly
the kind of sexual revolution...

that our son is going
through right now.

So, just-
Let's just- just trust it.

Fix that step.
Just know,

I will handle this, okay?

El diablo.

Hey, Gloria, do you
have any idea why Barkley
was in the guest room?

I was just doing
a little redecorating.

Sometimes it's good
to move things around
just to see how they look.

Yeah, but the guest room?
That's crazy.

He's not a guest.
He works for us.

Hey, give me a hand here,
will you?

- I think his jacket shifted
while I was moving him.
- Ay, cómo no.

We can't have you untucked,
our little butler. That doesn't
make any sense, does it, boy?

[Fabric Rips]

"Ay"? What was that?
Is he all right?

- Ay, no. My bracelet
got caught a little bit here.
- Well, don't panic.

I'm not panicking.
All right, try to relax.

We can fix him.
Let me take a better look.
Come here, boy.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy.
Um, look.

- [Door Closes]
- You and I need to have a little talk.

- About what?
- Well, it's about computer stuff.

Um- [Clears Throat]

How do you make sure
you've deleted something
after you read it?

Sorry, Jay.
It was an accident.

You know,
I'm beginning to think you
don't like Barkley that much.

I mean, first you hide him
in the guest room,
and now this.

It's ridiculous.
I didn't mean to hurt it.

First of all,
let's cut the "it"s.
He is a he.

And you can pretend to be
innocent all you want, but action
speaks louder than words.

Yeah. They can be
very revealing.

What are you
trying to say?

Nothing. But you have to
admit that the dog butler
is a little ridiculous.

You know what else I think
is ridiculous? That mountain
of pillows you have on our bed.

I feel like I'm working on
a loading dock just trying
to get under the covers.

They're pretty.
They're a damn nuisance.

Okay, forgive me for trying
to make our home beautiful.

You know, if I can put up
with those, you can put up
with a piece of art.

This is not art.
This is an unholy mix
between man and beast.

But, fine, if you love it so much,
put it wherever you want.

Thank you. Where you going?
To get some more pillows?

No, don't worry.
It'll be a long time before
I bother you again with my pillows.

Why is Dad in Luke's room
with the door closed?

They are having
a little talk.
Is Luke being punished?

Is that just your favorite thing,
when your brother or sister
gets into trouble?

My favorite is when
they're both in trouble.

So, what'd he do?
Did he cheat on a test?
He's a cheater.

He did not cheat on a test.

Did he lie?
He lies all the time.

Sorry. I'm just
worried about Luke.

A lot of parents are hitting again.
I appreciate your concern,

but your father
has it under control.



Flincher! Free slap.
Bring it up.



Can I be on the bottom now?

[Taps Spoon On Mug]

- [Sighs]
- Mmm. How'd it go?

Well, he was really embarrassed,
but everything's-
everything's fine now.

What'd you say?
Well, you know,

- I kinda promised him we'd
keep everything between us.
- Mm-hmm.

Matter of fact, he'd be
mortified if you brought
it up with him... ever.

- Oh, God, really?
- Yeah.

That actually makes me
feel kinda bad.

Well, you're probably just
feeling a little tense
from all this.

I know I am.

You know what might
help the situation?

Really? Right now?

I meant going out
for a few pizzas.

Where's your mind?

I guess I live in a house
full of sex maniacs.

[Clears Throat]


We can't help you
if you won't come out.

Gracias por invitarme a su casa
y apiadarse de mis lágrimas.

What'd he say?
Something "house"

Come on. The show starts
in a half hour, and we still
have to pick up Manny.

Can we just-
Come on. Move this thing along!

Okay, this man is in crisis.

He could have a family health issue
or a personal health issue
or a financial matter.

Stop. You're getting all this from
"something house something"?

Let's just call Gloria and
have her deal with it, okay?

"Lt" is a human being, Mitchell.

Named Caesar Salad.

What's going on with you?
Cam, you-
you always do this.

It's like you're
incapable of hearing
anyone's sad story...

without making it
your job to fix it.

And then, my needs-
my needs come second.
Your needs right now...

are a puppet show.

This man could have lost his brother
in a cable car accident.

You understood "casa."

Okay, fine.
If it'll prove to you...

that I'm not the obsessive helpaholic
that you make me out to be,

let's go to the puppet show.

- Cam.
- Let's go.

Ay. ¿Dónde está mi novio?
Su camión está parqueado afuera.

- I think this has something
to do with the gardener.
- You think?

- Just down the hall to the right.
- Ay. Gracias, gracias.

In there. Okay.

- Okay, let's go.
- No, please.

I know it's killing you
not to get back there
in the middle of that.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We are
going. These folks can find
their own way out.

And now you'll know that I'm
not a manic Mother Teresa out
there collecting lost souls.

Oh, come on.

[Jay] Back here.

- Is Manny ready?
- Didn't you get the message?
He's not going.

- What?
- Ah, some mandatory
cleanup at school.

- What's the real reason?
- It's a puppet show, Mitch.

Perfect. All right, it's just
you and me then, Lily.

How's the little fortune cookie?
Ah, she-she's good.
She's good.

Where's Cam?
We got into a fight.

Because of him, I have
a house full of Latinos.

Welcome to my world.
So, trouble in gay paradise, huh?

He just can't say no
to anybody who needs help.

And why do you have to
always add the word "gay"
where it doesn't belong?

Hey, hey, you're not mad at me.
You're mad at
the old balls and chain.

Okay, Dad, good talk.
See you later.

Come on, I didn't mean it.
Hey, I didn't mean it.
I'm a little cranky.

I got into it with
Gloria a little bit.
Oh, no. What happened?

Ah, she hates Barkley.
It's the same stuff I went over
with your mom all the time.

"Get rid of the boat."
"Get rid of the motorcycle."
You know, I liked those things.

Why do you have to
get rid of it then?

You know, actually, I don't.

Anyway, I'm gluing
his hand on over here.
His hand came off.

Rough day, Dad.
Your hot, young wife
doesn't like your doll.

Yeah, unlike your big problem,
"My boyfriend's too nice to people."

No, see- mmm-
that's not all it is.

He helps animals.
He's always volunteering
for things. Trust me.

It-lt's worse
than it sounds.

Who are we kidding?
We both got it pretty good.

Hell, I'm probably fighting with
your mom more than I'm fighting
with Gloria on this thing.

A bird fell out of a tree and
he fed it with an eyedropper.

Just drop it, kid.
We're both with people
different from us,

and that's gonna create stuff,
but you want different.

Your mom and I were perfect on paper
and you know how that ended.

What I got now
is a lot better.

Sure, people look at us sometimes.
And sometimes even
I can't believe we're together.

- But we're happy.
At the end of the day-
- [Footsteps Approaching]

There's no one I'd rather
come home to.

[Footsteps Receding]
You mean Gloria.

Who else?

No one.
I'll see you later.

See you, kid.

Did you draw on my poster?

Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll
think about that the next time
you read my journal.

I didn't read your stupid journal,
and I waited in line to get this signed,

Oh, don't be such a baby.
It's just some dude
with weird hair.

That's Maya Angelou, you idiot.

Oh, sorry.
I don't follow the WNBA.

You know what? This is the worst
thing you've ever done,
and I'll never forgive you!

You started it!

What are you looking at?
Well, I just heard-

I was the one
who read Haley's diary.

I was playing on her computer
and it just opened.

Okay, I opened it.
But I didn't mean
for anyone to fight.

Oh, home already.
Mitchell, hi. Hi.

Hi, Cam. Hi.
Did you forget the tickets?

No. You know,
I was never gonna enjoy
the show without you, so-

Oh. But you were
so excited to take Lily to
see the Russian marionettes.

Oh, she's probably
a little young anyway.

We can just prop her
in front of the dryer
for a half hour.

Listen, Cam, I-I love that
you try and help the world,

and I'm very lucky
to have you in my life.
Oh, Mitchell.

How'd everything work out
with the gardener?
Uh, great. Great.

Turned out it was his wedding day,
and he was a little nervous.

But you know what?
There's no need to apologize.

No, I need to.
I've been very selfish.

No, no. Sometimes
I take things too far.

Okay. If that ever happens,
I will let you know.

Is there a reason
I can't go inside?
No. No, no. No.

Y ahora te pronuncio
hombre y esposa.

La puedes besar.
[All Cheering, Applauding]

- Mom, can I talk to you?
- Sure, honey. What's going on?

I feel bad
about something I did.

Oh, sweetie.
Is this about the computer?

Something you shouldn't
have been looking at?

Yeah. It was just so freaky.

I couldn't stop looking.
I know, sweet pea.

But the important thing is
you did stop looking.

After about an hour.

Okay. Well,
it's perfectly normal to be
curious about these things.

Some parts were funny.

And some parts
just seemed crazy.

Well, I hope you realize
that some of those parts
weren't real.


But they can be
totally real, right?

Like Anne Frank's?

All I know is it really
made me wonder about Haley.

That's disturbing, sweetie.
Why Haley?
[Footsteps Approaching]

It was her journal.

You read my journal?
You little creep!

I'm sorry!
I couldn't help it.

Wait. Haley's journal too?

Luke, you are now banned
from the computer.

What happened?
Who's in trouble?

- Luke read my journal!
- I told you it wasn't me!

- You know, I'm gonna kill you.
- Haley, calm down.

Wait, you're not even gonna
yell at him? That was private.

Oh, please.
The most shocking thing
in there was your spelling.

You read it too?

Am I the only one
who hasn't read it?

I was looking through
the computers in the house
for pornography.

- Sick.
- Not for me. I wanted to see
what you guys are looking at.

So you're violating our privacy.

When I find out that my children...

are looking
at a naked picture online,
they don't have any privacy.

- Who was looking
at naked pictures?
- That doesn't matter.

I wasn't.

Wasn't me.
That's gross. I'm 10!

Wait a minute.
What's wrong
with you people?

If it wasn't you,
who was it?
[Door Opens]


Rosa, thank you
for coming.

Carlos, let me know how it
works out with that dentist.
Victor, you owe me a dance.

Yes, I'm a caring person.

And without Mitchell,
I would just keep giving
and giving and giving.

I'm like a big runaway charity truck
and Mitchell is my off-ramp
full of safety gravel.

He knows how to say no.
He always can put himself first.

He certainly can turn his back
on someone suffering. Um-

No, really. Keep going.

- He-
- Don't keep going!

Muchas gracias.
Hey, good-bye.

- That was nice.
- [Knocking]

- Oh, God. Dad.
- Looks like I missed
the party, huh?

What is-
What is that doing here?

He is a gift
for you and Cam.
Thank you.

He lost his monocle on the drive.
Head was out the window.

Well, they love that.
Let's put him here for now.

- [Mitchell]
I don't want that.
- I think he's cute.

Let's give him a chance.
I came as soon
as I heard your message.

You said that somebody
was getting married?

Gloria, there you are.
I've got good news.

What's the matter?

Honey? Hey.

I'm really sorry.

That picture
was just something
that someone sent me.

Doesn't matter who.
Gil Thorpe.

I don't do that stuff.

You're all the porn I need.

Honey, it's fine.

It's fine. Mmm.

Now, it's fine.

I couldn't care less
about the picture.

I was just upset
when I thought it was Luke.

Haley, honey,
I really wish you would give me
a hand with all this laundry.

You never, ever-

Haley's off in her own world.

Alex has never
really been a kid.

But Luke is my baby.

Is it really too much
to ask that he stay
a sweet, innocent kid...


[Door Opens, Closes]

Hey, buddy.
Um- Here. Sorry.

We'II dribble later.

Um, I just, uh-
I just want to say I'm sorry.

I never meant to blame you
for that whole picture thing.

Your mom sort of thought it
was yours and I should have
stopped it, but I didn't.

So what was the picture of?

Well, it was
a woman on a tractor
and she had her shirt off.

Was it hot?

Okay, we're being
honest here.

Um, this particular woman-

Well, my tastes
do run to the curvy,

and the cowboy hat
did not hurt one bit.

Couple that with the cutoff jeans-
And you were asking about
the weather, weren't you?


Well, this is good.
This is good.

You're gonna be going
through some changes soon.

And I think now you can
feel safe talking to me
about whatever.

And so it ends.

Sadly, I've been summarily
dismissed from the employ of
Masters Cameron and Mitchell.

The former being
an utter delight,

and the latter
being a humorless snoot.

Just come on.
Get him in the car.
The thrift shop's closing.

What is this exciting thrift
shop you speak of?

Many of my relatives were
taken out of their homes...

to be released into the green
pastures in their maturity-

Did you just say "matoority?"
Unhand me, you brute!

I regret nothing!

I'll pay you.
I'm a comfortable man.

I've been stealing from
your father for days.

Oh, is there any better feeling
in the world than having
your ears flap in the wind?

You know what?
Get out.
You mean it? Sweet freedom?

No, not you, Barkley.
Cameron, out.