Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 21, Episode 6 - Highlights Special 1 - full transcript
This program me contains some
strong language and adult humour
# Read about the things that happen
throughout the world
# But don't believe in everything
you see or hear
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world. #
Hello, and welcome to
The History Of Mock The Week
Part One
where we go all the way back to
the very beginning.
Hope you enjoy it.
OK, answer is...
What is the question?
Is it how much of a start was
Stephen Hawking given
at this year's London Marathon?
Oh, God. And so it begins!
And so it begins!
We are away! The show has been
going ten seconds.
Is it how many late shifts
would you have to do
at B&Q before you came to dismiss
life as a grotesque pantomime?
Is it how long would it take
Nick Park to film
a Wallace & Gromit porno?
Is it...?
I like that, only working at night.
Is it the number of nights that
Michael Jackson was going to
play the 02 Arena?
It is, of course, absolutely.
Thank you very much, Andy.
The news that the King of Pop,
Michael Jackson, is dead,
the 50-year-old star died
suddenly following a cardiac arrest
and was just weeks away
from his This Is It tour in London.
His death has left
millions of fans in mourning.
One devastated fan said...
I mean, what black man can produce
three white kids? It's amazing!
Frankie's got a better chance
of being their dad than Michael.
If that is the case,
they are in real trouble!
A choice between Michael
and Frankie.
Sorry, kids,
bit of a change of location for you.
You are going to live with
Uncle Frankie now!
What, after staying with
Michael Jackson?
It's all got to be up from there,
hasn't it?
You know that they said they'd had
thousands of volunteers to be
pallbearers at Michael Jackson's
funeral.
Where were they
when Barry White died?
Do you know the weirdest
thing about Michael Jackson?
I didn't even know this.
He was a Jehovah's Witness.
That is like the least weird
thing about him!
I bet when he went to the
Jehovah's Witness meetings,
they pretended not to be in.
It's Michael, turn the telly down!
There is just a small note from the
desk that I get into my ear,
Frankie, Hugh,
if we could have stuff
which we actually can broadcast.
Nobody mentioned that!
I think that should be
the anti-speeding advert.
It should be footage
of Richard Hammond trying to
remember his own wedding day.
She was... She was wearing black.
Or was it red?
Am I married?
Making, like, an oblique reference
to him, let alone, there's
a line in the sand, right? And you
can't even see the line in the sand!
The way you three are,
particularly like that,
they look like the evolution
of man.
We could be walking like that.
We'll have to stand that way.
But we are apparently in the middle
of a countryside crime wave,
have you seen this? Some bloke stole
rhubarb from an allotment.
They'll have to tag it.
Why don't they tag it?
Imagine the phone call,
just some deranged,
"They've taken it, it's gone!
"My prize-winning marrow,
is there no God?"
You have to feel sorry...
Surely he could just put
rhubarb down his sleeves
and then go, "Argh!" like that!
Had I been there... Well, you can't
ever feel sorry for the...
That is the lowest
rung of criminality, isn't it?
Do you know what I mean?
Let me finish.
Just, I'm going to
kill myself here.
It's just so hard!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Beautiful.
Vintage Mock The Week.
He's brought up the subject just so
someone else could do a joke on it.
Surely he might have been working
towards a punch line.
You ignorant BLEEP!
Jesus...
I think the Microsoft paperclip...
Do you think we can get a higher
chair for the Joke Umpire?
I have a feeling the Microsoft
paperclip
has taken some cocaine but...
I like it.
That would be great if a
little animation came on and went...
HE SNIFFS
...good, yeah,
that's a really good letter!
The point I was going to make is,
surely, right? Fellas...
But surely if you're a bank robber,
you're sexy,
you're dangerous, you can
get diamonds for your lover.
If you steal from allotments,
what hope have you got? You know?
You've got dirt
underneath your fingernails.
All you have to offer is broccoli,
you know?
I was wondering
if one of the reasons...
Hey, a woman who is going to have
sex
for broccoli is going to be dirty.
I was wondering one of the reasons
they were trying to steal...
And possibly quite healthy.
Sorry to interrupt you, Andy,
but wouldn't that...?
No, wait! Wait!
You ignorant BLEEP!
Frankly, I wish to go on the record
and say I have now lost control.
They were saying, weren't they, that
Hurricane Katrina was...down to...
I'll start that again.
What was that, Andy? I've got goo!
I've got goo all over my face.
What? Not the first time either.
Don't say the that, mate,
don't say that.
Do you think I look like
Piers Brosnan
with a mouth full of sweets?
In the week that Osama bin Laden
released...
Oh, for fuck's sake!
More of that later. Mock The Week.
I foiled him
by throwing a banana at him.
Who throws a banana at somebody?!
It's all kind of knocked on
from America, hasn't it?
The problem they had there.
It is essentially, yeah.
Because there's two
companies are in trouble.
There was an amazing headline
the other day that said
"Fannie Mae in trouble!"
The two largest financial
institutions in America are
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
They're shorthand for
the Federal National Mortgage
Corporation
and the Federal Home Loan
Mortgage Corporation.
When I read the headline
"Fannie Mae collapse” I thought
Kerry Katona was pregnant again.
Dear Deirdre, can that giant man
Lift me up like a baby?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You bet your ass he can!
OK, that leaves us with Andy
and Frankie.
Let's have another topic.
And the topic is Scotland.
I have this covered.
Is that your image of Scotland?
You know that's three
English blokes at a wedding?
Remember years ago
when they were making Brave heart?
Everyone said, "Oh,
it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson
"playing a Scottish guy, that's not
going to be very convincing."
And look at him now,
an alcoholic racist!
The most Scottish thing
I've ever seen,
I was going through a town called
Bathgate at about
half past 11 at night
and there was a guy pissing against
a front door.
He then took out his keys
and went inside!
Frankie Boyle, ladies and gentlemen.
Fuck off!
It's not going to be worth it now,
is it?
KLAXON SOUNDS
On Travel News, oh,
the greatest travel story
of the week was Tina the tortoise.
Tina the tortoise lost a leg
so they attached a rear wheel to the
back of Tina's shell.
To be honest, it's going to make
fuck-all difference to that
tortoise.
It doesn't know what's going on.
It barely moves anyway.
They're going to put it in a box
at Christmas and it will die.
Thank you, thank you, Frankie,
for steam-rolling
our gentle whimsy there.
You're taking our sweet little
commentary about Tina
and how this has changed her life
and just going, "Tina will die
like the rest of us."
Tortoises don't hibernate, they live
to one.
Basically, is what I've discovered.
Really?
Well, just going by Blue Peter.
Does this mean, though,
if one of the parents, accidentally,
Tina dies, right?
Do they have to go to a pet shop,
buy a similar-looking tortoise,
get rid of the leg, stick another
wheel on the corner...?
Let's get a show pet next season,
right? Yes!
I guarantee you it will die in
the middle of episode one.
Miss Fat Ankle, 2006!
I love you lots. Oh, let's see what
Mr Tiddles thinks of you.
What do you think?
SHOUTS: Die, bitch! Ooh!
What is amnesia?
Is it A, memory loss?
A, memory loss,
or 4, the Battle of Hastings?
IMITATES DALEK: Welcome to my Dalek
poetry reading.
This one is called Daffodils.
Exterminate daffodils!
What is amnesia, is it A...?
...memory loss?
I think the question everyone wants
is get your foot out, Adam.
Adam, have you ever put beer
in your foot and drank out of it?
Yes.
Thank you, Adam, for what could have
descended into freak-show territory
but you held it together with
an enormous amount of dignity,
as we basically said, "Show us the
weird thing,
"show us the weird thing, Adam!"
The next topic is..
Ignore the banging.
She's been in there for 24 years!
Help yourself to Nibbles,
he was our favourite hamster,
but it's what he would have wanted.
Are you sure this is pork?
It's just because my crackling
has a tattoo!
Don't worry, we don't say grace.
We just sacrifice a child
to the great god Imhotep.
Doorbell! Excellent, that will
be Heather Mills and James Blunt.
Hope he's brought his guitar!
I hope nobody is allergic to nuts
because I like to rest
mine on the table.
Well, this is absolutely lovely.
I say we all raise a glass...
SHOUTS: ..to the Fuhrer!
Ten of you arrived,
only one will leave.
Anyway, long story short,
after about two hours,
you couldn't tell what was poo
and what was chocolate.
There is a vegetarian option.
You can fuck off.
We can put that in the middle.
Guys, what are we doing making
a Christmas album
when we could clean up with
a calendar?
October!
Is that Dara loading hay bales
in October?
What is going on? Oh, my God!
Hugh, what are you doing?
You don't give up the nipple.
You don't show the nipple. That's
the... You've got to hold that back!
Giving away the nipple for free.
I'll let you into a secret.
I've got two.
Do it some more, do it some more.
Anticlockwise, anticlockwise.
Oh, yeah.
Damn you, bitches!
Where will you be?
Will you be, like, you know,
sitting behind a piano or something?
Or maybe, you know...?
I'll be on top of the piano
like The Fabulous Baker Boys.
Where will you be, Dara?
I see Dara as a sort of farm hand.
Just logs everywhere. Rustic.
Just loads of girls going, "Ah!"
Or it could be very artistic.
It could be very artistic.
It could be like Munch's The Scream
and it's just you,
completely naked...
I like this album.
Thank you very, very much.
In a calendar,
“Is that my cock out? Oh!"
Here? On a bridge? In Norway?
Merry Christmas, everybody!
You need an action replay of him.
It was a lovely moment.
I think you've...
I've just remembered something.
Show them what you did,
it was fantastic, you went...
And they went like that when you are
talking. Did I really?! Yeah, yeah.
Well, I do that kind of thing
the whole time. That's entirely me.
Do it again.
Bath-time arse disaster?
Yes, I have to say the answer
I was looking for
was bath-time arse disaster.
You're supposed to have a Flu Buddy
that you've got to pair up with
somebody
and they'll deliver
the injection to you if needs be.
Exactly, but if it was my mates,
they would just pop a bit of Viagra
in it or something like that.
"Here you are, you're going to die.
Have some doughnuts. Have some fun."
Bring it on yourself, see how
many you can get. Doughnuts?!
With Viagra? What the
hell are you doing, Howard?
I'm nearly dying and I'm flinging
them gently on me.
Ring doughnuts, not jam doughnuts.
Yeah, I'm not a beast!
Where is he putting them? Like this.
I'm doing it like that. Oi!
Because I'm going to be dead,
Frankie. Can I not have some fun?
Find a woman!
Leave the pastries alone!
The next topic is...
Hello, Canterbury.
Let's make some fucking noise!
There is any number of these.
The Labour leader Ed Miliband has
complained to the BBC
that he's been referred to on the
subtitling as
the "Ed Miller Band."
Viewers were also surprised to see
that the famous religious
leader visiting a local town was in
fact the "Arch bitch of Canterbury".
"Ooh! Call this a church!
I don't think so!"
I saw that one come up.
This is a power move. Lungeing leg.
Look how you feel now.
We're kind of having an argument.
What about now?
I used to farm cats,
and, let me tell you,
their eggs don't taste nearly
as chocolaty as they look.
This will never work, Frodo.
OK, do you know what story struck me
during the week?
You may not have seen it.
It was a story in Ireland, in the
Evening Herald in Dublin last week.
And it's quite a moving story,
it's about Alzheimer's disease. Aw.
It was, yeah. The story basically
was...
All of which is quite interesting.
Next paragraph, I found
difficult to take.
People with larger than average
heads,
like comedian Dara O Briain...
...appear to be better protected
if they develop Alzheimer's disease,
a study suggests.
Now that would be all right
if it wasn't for the fact that
the article actually came with
a giant photograph of me
next to the article under the words,
"Big head can
protect against Alzheimer's."
Written underneath that was,
"Extra large, colon,
“report is good
news for Dara O Briain!"
No, it's not! It's not good news
because I suddenly realised I've got
a big head, apparently.
What do you mean, you've
suddenly realised?
How have you suddenly realised?
Dara, protect us from
the Alzheimer's!
Back in Canada, I did some
modelling.
It was for medical,
it was for penile dysfunction,
it was like a before and after
picture.
But this is true.
OK, OK, but I didn't model,
I don't model for big heads.
I don't regard myself as having
a large head.
I don't have difficulty buying hats.
I don't have difficulty
getting into jumpers.
My head has caused me none of...
When did those three guys get here?
Look at me, look at me. I'm going
to take you to a Hall of Mirrors
and show you how you should look.
I'm not the kid from Mask!
You see, look at that. It's fine.
Your head is absolutely enormous.
In fact, on a normal-sized head,
that would be a full head of hair.
To put in context how
big it is, Dara,
it has its own gravitational field.
It's pulled in an entire planet
behind you.
This desk was straight
when we started.
I was expecting sympathy. That's why
I introduced this notion...
What I did was I said something
but I revealed a weakness in front
of six comedians
and I thought, "There's a group
that will help me through this."
I think of you all as friends.
I don't think of you as comedians.
I saw one of the women interviewed
from the site and she said,
SQUAWKS: "Putting a traveller in a
house
"is like putting a travellerin a
prison."
But yet they're building them.
You can put a traveller in a Lodge.
What is that character?
It's Janette.
Sounds like one of the Terrahawks.
SQUAWKS: Leave me alone!
They're always claiming this
mysterious...
There are so many different
countries with that accent as well.
Welsh, French.
FRENCH ACCENT: What are we doing?
Did you hear the woman?
She went... SQUAWKS: "I put a curse
on you, I put a curse on you!"
They are always giving it
the curse thing, aren't they?
She didn't. The minute it kicks
off...
SQUAWKS: ..I put a curse on you.
SQUAWKS: I saw you coming through my
crystal ball, so I did.
Now, anybody watching this has got
their remote control going,
"There's something wrong
with the sound.”
The answer is...
What is the question?
Is it what does Heston Blumenthal
put in a trifle?
Is it name three things...?
Is it what are the most-used sound
effects in the radio drama
Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
SCOTTISH ACCENT: There's been
another monsoon for the chickens!
Why are all the actors Scottish
in Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
"Doctor, Doctor, I think
this chicken is drowning!
Is it all the things that my gran
says are stealing her money
when I go and visit her in
the care home?
Is it what are the opening stage
directions
in the television drama
Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
Chickens, nurses, rain!
A man walks through the fog.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: This is the
hospital I'm working in now, is it?
What was the name of
Foghorn Leghorn's
controversial early-career porn
film?
I'm sorry, I want to do more
Chicken Hospital. Clear. Squawk!
Clear! Squawk!
We've lost him! We've lost him!
That's finishing off the chicken
at the end of it.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Doctor, get me the
baster!
I'm part of the film investment
scheme,
I put all my savings
into the big budget production
of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
Well, I think that was very wise.
Well, you're involved as well.
Because I play the role of
Morag the nurse
in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
I think we're going to make
a lot of money back.
It's, yeah, me
and Hugh are involved.
Does that say directed
by Alfred Hitchcock?
It's nice to know where the
budget for this show goes, isn't it?
I want it noted, by the way,
how well I look as a nurse!
Surprisingly fitting.
Big shoulders...
You got a hint of the
Readers' Wives about you there.
If you turned up
at my bed in a hospital,
I would discharge myself
straight away.
Listen, I have no doubt you'd
discharge yourself.
My favourite Olympic torch story,
by the way, is this week,
the Olympic torch was brought
on the raft to the slalom course.
What brilliant plan is this?
Right, one second later,
there's the Olympic torch!
What's weird about the Olympic
torch, though,
it's having this incredibly exciting
time.
It's been on a zipwire
in Newcastle, it's been sailing,
it's been white-water rafting.
It's like it's got some sort of deal
with the Make A Wish Foundation.
It's like it's somebody's stag do
or something, isn't it?
Taking the Olympic torch
white-water rafting?
I'm amazed it wasn't left in the
booth
of a lap-dancing club or something.
Like so many of my umbrellas.
My favourite story during the week
of the procession of the torch
and the endless
procession of the torch
is Jill Makinson-Sanders who is
the mayor of a town called Louth
in Lincolnshire who decided, as the
torch was passing through her town,
to dress up as one of the local
products
of the town of Louth in
Lincolnshire.
The town of Louth in Lincolnshire
apparently
is famous for its sausages.
Here's how she decided to dress up
to welcome the torch.
She ran alongside the torch,
ran alongside, as a giant penis,
down the street screaming...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It looks like you!
It does not look like me!
It's nothing like... My arms do not
start above my chin like that!
I love that. We can do
a split screen.
The 100th program me
and the first time we've been
heckled by the audience.
You look like a penis sausage.
You look like a giant penis.
You want to do it key?
You properly can do some clever
directorial thing
just to disprove the fact that
I look... You know, can be done.
To scotch the rumours that
I look anything like a six-foot tall
penis sausage.
Oh, look, there.
I look nothing like that.
Other hand, other hand.
Well, somebody has got
a new Twitter avatar.
I'm always a bit freaked
out by Megabus.
Is it not the weirdest thing
in the world, the Megabus?
Nothing against the bus service
itself, but when you drive, like,
when you drive a lot of the time on
the motorway going to gigs, like,
the back of the Megabus when you're
driving along, like, whatever.
For those of you who haven't had
the pleasure, that's...
There's times you just get
hypnotised by that weird...
There are many things to observe.
Firstly, why does that man have
such large breasts?
The hours staring at that man's
breast, going,
"That is insane, what kind of...?
Where can you go for £17
I think you'd have to contact
Megabus direct.
There is an address there.
I like the way they have to put
plus a 50p booking fee as
if people are going to go,
"Well, that's a rip off."
I mean, for the entire...
In my ear, constantly
people are going, "Wear the hat,
"wear the hat, wear the hat..."
Have you got a hat?
Yeah, they gave me a yellow hat
because they think I look
like the Megabus guy.
That means that that man
looks like a penis sausage!
You're just bringing this up to try
and make everybody forget that
you look like a penis sausage.
Essentially, that's what it was.
You just look like a penis sausage
in a yellow hat.
Oh, no!
I have lost ownership
of the joke now.
It's passed on to somebody else.
Somebody has got another
new Twitter avatar.
How's that? Happy Christmas. Is this
the DVD your uncle bought you?
Yeah.
OK, the next topic is...
But will they find a cure in time?
The last hope for mankind
lies with scientists
here at the Laboratoire Garnier.
And as the sperm swim
towards the eggs,
it's hard not to think that
I've ruined this fried breakfast.
I'm never again going to have
a fried breakfast.
Andy Dufresne, when he walked
into Shawshank,
I knew he was fucked.
OK, the next topic is...
Have you got a WKD side?
Then you are a prick.
Take two bottles into the shower?
Not any more,
I've got a proper dildo!
With ABS, Sat Nav and air bags,
this may be the most advanced
condom you ever buy.
Cash for cash.
Send us your cash in an envelope
and we'll send it back
minus commission.
Ash for cash.
Put your cremated
relatives in an envelope...
Got that bloated feeling?
My uncle had that.
He was dead in a week.
Smash for cash.
Putting mashed potato
in an envelope...
Why have we got barbecues
at low, low prices?
Because the summer's been shit
and no-one's bought them!
At the Dog's Trust,
we never put down a healthy dog.
But the minute one coughs,
it's in the Thames.
Do you suffer from unsightly
chest hair?
Should have gone to Pecshavers.
Lynx, come on, virgins,
wash your cocks!
Dara O Briain,
we work so he doesn't have to.
BUZZER
LOUD CHEERING
strong language and adult humour
# Read about the things that happen
throughout the world
# But don't believe in everything
you see or hear
# Read all about it
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Read all about it
# News of the world
News of the world. #
Hello, and welcome to
The History Of Mock The Week
Part One
where we go all the way back to
the very beginning.
Hope you enjoy it.
OK, answer is...
What is the question?
Is it how much of a start was
Stephen Hawking given
at this year's London Marathon?
Oh, God. And so it begins!
And so it begins!
We are away! The show has been
going ten seconds.
Is it how many late shifts
would you have to do
at B&Q before you came to dismiss
life as a grotesque pantomime?
Is it how long would it take
Nick Park to film
a Wallace & Gromit porno?
Is it...?
I like that, only working at night.
Is it the number of nights that
Michael Jackson was going to
play the 02 Arena?
It is, of course, absolutely.
Thank you very much, Andy.
The news that the King of Pop,
Michael Jackson, is dead,
the 50-year-old star died
suddenly following a cardiac arrest
and was just weeks away
from his This Is It tour in London.
His death has left
millions of fans in mourning.
One devastated fan said...
I mean, what black man can produce
three white kids? It's amazing!
Frankie's got a better chance
of being their dad than Michael.
If that is the case,
they are in real trouble!
A choice between Michael
and Frankie.
Sorry, kids,
bit of a change of location for you.
You are going to live with
Uncle Frankie now!
What, after staying with
Michael Jackson?
It's all got to be up from there,
hasn't it?
You know that they said they'd had
thousands of volunteers to be
pallbearers at Michael Jackson's
funeral.
Where were they
when Barry White died?
Do you know the weirdest
thing about Michael Jackson?
I didn't even know this.
He was a Jehovah's Witness.
That is like the least weird
thing about him!
I bet when he went to the
Jehovah's Witness meetings,
they pretended not to be in.
It's Michael, turn the telly down!
There is just a small note from the
desk that I get into my ear,
Frankie, Hugh,
if we could have stuff
which we actually can broadcast.
Nobody mentioned that!
I think that should be
the anti-speeding advert.
It should be footage
of Richard Hammond trying to
remember his own wedding day.
She was... She was wearing black.
Or was it red?
Am I married?
Making, like, an oblique reference
to him, let alone, there's
a line in the sand, right? And you
can't even see the line in the sand!
The way you three are,
particularly like that,
they look like the evolution
of man.
We could be walking like that.
We'll have to stand that way.
But we are apparently in the middle
of a countryside crime wave,
have you seen this? Some bloke stole
rhubarb from an allotment.
They'll have to tag it.
Why don't they tag it?
Imagine the phone call,
just some deranged,
"They've taken it, it's gone!
"My prize-winning marrow,
is there no God?"
You have to feel sorry...
Surely he could just put
rhubarb down his sleeves
and then go, "Argh!" like that!
Had I been there... Well, you can't
ever feel sorry for the...
That is the lowest
rung of criminality, isn't it?
Do you know what I mean?
Let me finish.
Just, I'm going to
kill myself here.
It's just so hard!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Beautiful.
Vintage Mock The Week.
He's brought up the subject just so
someone else could do a joke on it.
Surely he might have been working
towards a punch line.
You ignorant BLEEP!
Jesus...
I think the Microsoft paperclip...
Do you think we can get a higher
chair for the Joke Umpire?
I have a feeling the Microsoft
paperclip
has taken some cocaine but...
I like it.
That would be great if a
little animation came on and went...
HE SNIFFS
...good, yeah,
that's a really good letter!
The point I was going to make is,
surely, right? Fellas...
But surely if you're a bank robber,
you're sexy,
you're dangerous, you can
get diamonds for your lover.
If you steal from allotments,
what hope have you got? You know?
You've got dirt
underneath your fingernails.
All you have to offer is broccoli,
you know?
I was wondering
if one of the reasons...
Hey, a woman who is going to have
sex
for broccoli is going to be dirty.
I was wondering one of the reasons
they were trying to steal...
And possibly quite healthy.
Sorry to interrupt you, Andy,
but wouldn't that...?
No, wait! Wait!
You ignorant BLEEP!
Frankly, I wish to go on the record
and say I have now lost control.
They were saying, weren't they, that
Hurricane Katrina was...down to...
I'll start that again.
What was that, Andy? I've got goo!
I've got goo all over my face.
What? Not the first time either.
Don't say the that, mate,
don't say that.
Do you think I look like
Piers Brosnan
with a mouth full of sweets?
In the week that Osama bin Laden
released...
Oh, for fuck's sake!
More of that later. Mock The Week.
I foiled him
by throwing a banana at him.
Who throws a banana at somebody?!
It's all kind of knocked on
from America, hasn't it?
The problem they had there.
It is essentially, yeah.
Because there's two
companies are in trouble.
There was an amazing headline
the other day that said
"Fannie Mae in trouble!"
The two largest financial
institutions in America are
Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac.
They're shorthand for
the Federal National Mortgage
Corporation
and the Federal Home Loan
Mortgage Corporation.
When I read the headline
"Fannie Mae collapse” I thought
Kerry Katona was pregnant again.
Dear Deirdre, can that giant man
Lift me up like a baby?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You bet your ass he can!
OK, that leaves us with Andy
and Frankie.
Let's have another topic.
And the topic is Scotland.
I have this covered.
Is that your image of Scotland?
You know that's three
English blokes at a wedding?
Remember years ago
when they were making Brave heart?
Everyone said, "Oh,
it's ridiculous, Mel Gibson
"playing a Scottish guy, that's not
going to be very convincing."
And look at him now,
an alcoholic racist!
The most Scottish thing
I've ever seen,
I was going through a town called
Bathgate at about
half past 11 at night
and there was a guy pissing against
a front door.
He then took out his keys
and went inside!
Frankie Boyle, ladies and gentlemen.
Fuck off!
It's not going to be worth it now,
is it?
KLAXON SOUNDS
On Travel News, oh,
the greatest travel story
of the week was Tina the tortoise.
Tina the tortoise lost a leg
so they attached a rear wheel to the
back of Tina's shell.
To be honest, it's going to make
fuck-all difference to that
tortoise.
It doesn't know what's going on.
It barely moves anyway.
They're going to put it in a box
at Christmas and it will die.
Thank you, thank you, Frankie,
for steam-rolling
our gentle whimsy there.
You're taking our sweet little
commentary about Tina
and how this has changed her life
and just going, "Tina will die
like the rest of us."
Tortoises don't hibernate, they live
to one.
Basically, is what I've discovered.
Really?
Well, just going by Blue Peter.
Does this mean, though,
if one of the parents, accidentally,
Tina dies, right?
Do they have to go to a pet shop,
buy a similar-looking tortoise,
get rid of the leg, stick another
wheel on the corner...?
Let's get a show pet next season,
right? Yes!
I guarantee you it will die in
the middle of episode one.
Miss Fat Ankle, 2006!
I love you lots. Oh, let's see what
Mr Tiddles thinks of you.
What do you think?
SHOUTS: Die, bitch! Ooh!
What is amnesia?
Is it A, memory loss?
A, memory loss,
or 4, the Battle of Hastings?
IMITATES DALEK: Welcome to my Dalek
poetry reading.
This one is called Daffodils.
Exterminate daffodils!
What is amnesia, is it A...?
...memory loss?
I think the question everyone wants
is get your foot out, Adam.
Adam, have you ever put beer
in your foot and drank out of it?
Yes.
Thank you, Adam, for what could have
descended into freak-show territory
but you held it together with
an enormous amount of dignity,
as we basically said, "Show us the
weird thing,
"show us the weird thing, Adam!"
The next topic is..
Ignore the banging.
She's been in there for 24 years!
Help yourself to Nibbles,
he was our favourite hamster,
but it's what he would have wanted.
Are you sure this is pork?
It's just because my crackling
has a tattoo!
Don't worry, we don't say grace.
We just sacrifice a child
to the great god Imhotep.
Doorbell! Excellent, that will
be Heather Mills and James Blunt.
Hope he's brought his guitar!
I hope nobody is allergic to nuts
because I like to rest
mine on the table.
Well, this is absolutely lovely.
I say we all raise a glass...
SHOUTS: ..to the Fuhrer!
Ten of you arrived,
only one will leave.
Anyway, long story short,
after about two hours,
you couldn't tell what was poo
and what was chocolate.
There is a vegetarian option.
You can fuck off.
We can put that in the middle.
Guys, what are we doing making
a Christmas album
when we could clean up with
a calendar?
October!
Is that Dara loading hay bales
in October?
What is going on? Oh, my God!
Hugh, what are you doing?
You don't give up the nipple.
You don't show the nipple. That's
the... You've got to hold that back!
Giving away the nipple for free.
I'll let you into a secret.
I've got two.
Do it some more, do it some more.
Anticlockwise, anticlockwise.
Oh, yeah.
Damn you, bitches!
Where will you be?
Will you be, like, you know,
sitting behind a piano or something?
Or maybe, you know...?
I'll be on top of the piano
like The Fabulous Baker Boys.
Where will you be, Dara?
I see Dara as a sort of farm hand.
Just logs everywhere. Rustic.
Just loads of girls going, "Ah!"
Or it could be very artistic.
It could be very artistic.
It could be like Munch's The Scream
and it's just you,
completely naked...
I like this album.
Thank you very, very much.
In a calendar,
“Is that my cock out? Oh!"
Here? On a bridge? In Norway?
Merry Christmas, everybody!
You need an action replay of him.
It was a lovely moment.
I think you've...
I've just remembered something.
Show them what you did,
it was fantastic, you went...
And they went like that when you are
talking. Did I really?! Yeah, yeah.
Well, I do that kind of thing
the whole time. That's entirely me.
Do it again.
Bath-time arse disaster?
Yes, I have to say the answer
I was looking for
was bath-time arse disaster.
You're supposed to have a Flu Buddy
that you've got to pair up with
somebody
and they'll deliver
the injection to you if needs be.
Exactly, but if it was my mates,
they would just pop a bit of Viagra
in it or something like that.
"Here you are, you're going to die.
Have some doughnuts. Have some fun."
Bring it on yourself, see how
many you can get. Doughnuts?!
With Viagra? What the
hell are you doing, Howard?
I'm nearly dying and I'm flinging
them gently on me.
Ring doughnuts, not jam doughnuts.
Yeah, I'm not a beast!
Where is he putting them? Like this.
I'm doing it like that. Oi!
Because I'm going to be dead,
Frankie. Can I not have some fun?
Find a woman!
Leave the pastries alone!
The next topic is...
Hello, Canterbury.
Let's make some fucking noise!
There is any number of these.
The Labour leader Ed Miliband has
complained to the BBC
that he's been referred to on the
subtitling as
the "Ed Miller Band."
Viewers were also surprised to see
that the famous religious
leader visiting a local town was in
fact the "Arch bitch of Canterbury".
"Ooh! Call this a church!
I don't think so!"
I saw that one come up.
This is a power move. Lungeing leg.
Look how you feel now.
We're kind of having an argument.
What about now?
I used to farm cats,
and, let me tell you,
their eggs don't taste nearly
as chocolaty as they look.
This will never work, Frodo.
OK, do you know what story struck me
during the week?
You may not have seen it.
It was a story in Ireland, in the
Evening Herald in Dublin last week.
And it's quite a moving story,
it's about Alzheimer's disease. Aw.
It was, yeah. The story basically
was...
All of which is quite interesting.
Next paragraph, I found
difficult to take.
People with larger than average
heads,
like comedian Dara O Briain...
...appear to be better protected
if they develop Alzheimer's disease,
a study suggests.
Now that would be all right
if it wasn't for the fact that
the article actually came with
a giant photograph of me
next to the article under the words,
"Big head can
protect against Alzheimer's."
Written underneath that was,
"Extra large, colon,
“report is good
news for Dara O Briain!"
No, it's not! It's not good news
because I suddenly realised I've got
a big head, apparently.
What do you mean, you've
suddenly realised?
How have you suddenly realised?
Dara, protect us from
the Alzheimer's!
Back in Canada, I did some
modelling.
It was for medical,
it was for penile dysfunction,
it was like a before and after
picture.
But this is true.
OK, OK, but I didn't model,
I don't model for big heads.
I don't regard myself as having
a large head.
I don't have difficulty buying hats.
I don't have difficulty
getting into jumpers.
My head has caused me none of...
When did those three guys get here?
Look at me, look at me. I'm going
to take you to a Hall of Mirrors
and show you how you should look.
I'm not the kid from Mask!
You see, look at that. It's fine.
Your head is absolutely enormous.
In fact, on a normal-sized head,
that would be a full head of hair.
To put in context how
big it is, Dara,
it has its own gravitational field.
It's pulled in an entire planet
behind you.
This desk was straight
when we started.
I was expecting sympathy. That's why
I introduced this notion...
What I did was I said something
but I revealed a weakness in front
of six comedians
and I thought, "There's a group
that will help me through this."
I think of you all as friends.
I don't think of you as comedians.
I saw one of the women interviewed
from the site and she said,
SQUAWKS: "Putting a traveller in a
house
"is like putting a travellerin a
prison."
But yet they're building them.
You can put a traveller in a Lodge.
What is that character?
It's Janette.
Sounds like one of the Terrahawks.
SQUAWKS: Leave me alone!
They're always claiming this
mysterious...
There are so many different
countries with that accent as well.
Welsh, French.
FRENCH ACCENT: What are we doing?
Did you hear the woman?
She went... SQUAWKS: "I put a curse
on you, I put a curse on you!"
They are always giving it
the curse thing, aren't they?
She didn't. The minute it kicks
off...
SQUAWKS: ..I put a curse on you.
SQUAWKS: I saw you coming through my
crystal ball, so I did.
Now, anybody watching this has got
their remote control going,
"There's something wrong
with the sound.”
The answer is...
What is the question?
Is it what does Heston Blumenthal
put in a trifle?
Is it name three things...?
Is it what are the most-used sound
effects in the radio drama
Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
SCOTTISH ACCENT: There's been
another monsoon for the chickens!
Why are all the actors Scottish
in Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
"Doctor, Doctor, I think
this chicken is drowning!
Is it all the things that my gran
says are stealing her money
when I go and visit her in
the care home?
Is it what are the opening stage
directions
in the television drama
Monsoon Poultry Hospital?
Chickens, nurses, rain!
A man walks through the fog.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: This is the
hospital I'm working in now, is it?
What was the name of
Foghorn Leghorn's
controversial early-career porn
film?
I'm sorry, I want to do more
Chicken Hospital. Clear. Squawk!
Clear! Squawk!
We've lost him! We've lost him!
That's finishing off the chicken
at the end of it.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: Doctor, get me the
baster!
I'm part of the film investment
scheme,
I put all my savings
into the big budget production
of Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
Well, I think that was very wise.
Well, you're involved as well.
Because I play the role of
Morag the nurse
in Monsoon Poultry Hospital.
I think we're going to make
a lot of money back.
It's, yeah, me
and Hugh are involved.
Does that say directed
by Alfred Hitchcock?
It's nice to know where the
budget for this show goes, isn't it?
I want it noted, by the way,
how well I look as a nurse!
Surprisingly fitting.
Big shoulders...
You got a hint of the
Readers' Wives about you there.
If you turned up
at my bed in a hospital,
I would discharge myself
straight away.
Listen, I have no doubt you'd
discharge yourself.
My favourite Olympic torch story,
by the way, is this week,
the Olympic torch was brought
on the raft to the slalom course.
What brilliant plan is this?
Right, one second later,
there's the Olympic torch!
What's weird about the Olympic
torch, though,
it's having this incredibly exciting
time.
It's been on a zipwire
in Newcastle, it's been sailing,
it's been white-water rafting.
It's like it's got some sort of deal
with the Make A Wish Foundation.
It's like it's somebody's stag do
or something, isn't it?
Taking the Olympic torch
white-water rafting?
I'm amazed it wasn't left in the
booth
of a lap-dancing club or something.
Like so many of my umbrellas.
My favourite story during the week
of the procession of the torch
and the endless
procession of the torch
is Jill Makinson-Sanders who is
the mayor of a town called Louth
in Lincolnshire who decided, as the
torch was passing through her town,
to dress up as one of the local
products
of the town of Louth in
Lincolnshire.
The town of Louth in Lincolnshire
apparently
is famous for its sausages.
Here's how she decided to dress up
to welcome the torch.
She ran alongside the torch,
ran alongside, as a giant penis,
down the street screaming...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: It looks like you!
It does not look like me!
It's nothing like... My arms do not
start above my chin like that!
I love that. We can do
a split screen.
The 100th program me
and the first time we've been
heckled by the audience.
You look like a penis sausage.
You look like a giant penis.
You want to do it key?
You properly can do some clever
directorial thing
just to disprove the fact that
I look... You know, can be done.
To scotch the rumours that
I look anything like a six-foot tall
penis sausage.
Oh, look, there.
I look nothing like that.
Other hand, other hand.
Well, somebody has got
a new Twitter avatar.
I'm always a bit freaked
out by Megabus.
Is it not the weirdest thing
in the world, the Megabus?
Nothing against the bus service
itself, but when you drive, like,
when you drive a lot of the time on
the motorway going to gigs, like,
the back of the Megabus when you're
driving along, like, whatever.
For those of you who haven't had
the pleasure, that's...
There's times you just get
hypnotised by that weird...
There are many things to observe.
Firstly, why does that man have
such large breasts?
The hours staring at that man's
breast, going,
"That is insane, what kind of...?
Where can you go for £17
I think you'd have to contact
Megabus direct.
There is an address there.
I like the way they have to put
plus a 50p booking fee as
if people are going to go,
"Well, that's a rip off."
I mean, for the entire...
In my ear, constantly
people are going, "Wear the hat,
"wear the hat, wear the hat..."
Have you got a hat?
Yeah, they gave me a yellow hat
because they think I look
like the Megabus guy.
That means that that man
looks like a penis sausage!
You're just bringing this up to try
and make everybody forget that
you look like a penis sausage.
Essentially, that's what it was.
You just look like a penis sausage
in a yellow hat.
Oh, no!
I have lost ownership
of the joke now.
It's passed on to somebody else.
Somebody has got another
new Twitter avatar.
How's that? Happy Christmas. Is this
the DVD your uncle bought you?
Yeah.
OK, the next topic is...
But will they find a cure in time?
The last hope for mankind
lies with scientists
here at the Laboratoire Garnier.
And as the sperm swim
towards the eggs,
it's hard not to think that
I've ruined this fried breakfast.
I'm never again going to have
a fried breakfast.
Andy Dufresne, when he walked
into Shawshank,
I knew he was fucked.
OK, the next topic is...
Have you got a WKD side?
Then you are a prick.
Take two bottles into the shower?
Not any more,
I've got a proper dildo!
With ABS, Sat Nav and air bags,
this may be the most advanced
condom you ever buy.
Cash for cash.
Send us your cash in an envelope
and we'll send it back
minus commission.
Ash for cash.
Put your cremated
relatives in an envelope...
Got that bloated feeling?
My uncle had that.
He was dead in a week.
Smash for cash.
Putting mashed potato
in an envelope...
Why have we got barbecues
at low, low prices?
Because the summer's been shit
and no-one's bought them!
At the Dog's Trust,
we never put down a healthy dog.
But the minute one coughs,
it's in the Thames.
Do you suffer from unsightly
chest hair?
Should have gone to Pecshavers.
Lynx, come on, virgins,
wash your cocks!
Dara O Briain,
we work so he doesn't have to.
BUZZER
LOUD CHEERING